 The Jack Benny program transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. You know, friends, for real smoking enjoyment, nothing. No nothing beats better taste, and... Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For Lucky Strike means, lime tobacco. Richard's tasting, lime tobacco. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! This is Don Wilson with an important question. Is the cigarette you're smoking fresh really fresh? If it's a lucky, I know it is. For luckies are definitely fresher. Prove that to yourself. Light up a lucky and see what a difference that freshness makes to your smoking enjoyment. Notice how much more you get from the cigarette that tastes better in every way. Not only fresher, but cleaner and smoother too. Yes, luckies do taste better because they're made of fine, light, naturally mild tobacco. They taste better because they're made better. Made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly. And then of course, luckies taste better because they come to you fresh. They're even extra tightly sealed to keep that freshness in. So be happy, go lucky. For real smoking enjoyment, ask for Lucky Strike. Get the better taste you want in a cigarette and get it fresh. Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston Rochester, Dennis Day Bob Crosby and yours for a late-on welcome. Ladies and gentlemen, right now Jack Benny is in San Francisco, California, where he's making a personal appearance at the Kern Theater. So let's go backstage where we find Rochester in Jack's dressing room. There's no business like show business, there's no business I know. Every time they sell another ticket, Mr. Benny's blue eyes start to glow. But when he looks and sees a seat that's empty, the little tear drops, they start to blow. There's no business like show. Uh-oh, look what time it is. Mr. Benny will be off stage in a minute. I'll put everything he needs on his dressing table. Yep, that'll do it. There's the cold cream for his makeup, a washcloth for his face, a brush for his suit, and a comb for his morale. Let's see, what else? Oh yes, his glasses. He always puts them on when he comes back to the dressing room. I wish he'd forget his pride and wear them on the stage. Yesterday he did two shows with his back to the audience. That wasn't so bad. But when he took his bow, what a target. Even the manager ran up and kicked him. I haven't seen that many people on stage since Quo about it. Oh well, I guess I better lay out a clean shirt for him. Yeah, this white one will be alright. I know Mr. Benny isn't a spin thrift, but I do wish he'd buy real cufflinks. Imagine putting a toothpick through the cuff and sticking an olive on each end. This even amazed me and I've been with him for 15 years. Hello Rochester. Oh hello, boss. How'd the show go? Oh, fine, fine. That's good. I'm glad there weren't any empty seats. How did you know? Your mascara isn't running. Rochester, I don't cry when there's an empty seat. After all, I didn't take this personal appearance engagement to make money. You didn't? No, you may not understand this, Rochester, but every so often a performer must satisfy his artistic temperament. I'm playing these three weeks in San Francisco merely as a release for my talents. You understand what I mean? Well, is this the same kind of release that your talents got from Warner Brothers? No, no, this is something different. By the way, Rochester, where are my slippers? Right here, boss. Well, don't just stand there pointing at them, take them off. Thank you. Now Rochester, please go out and get me a sandwich with a corned beef on rye, and don't forget the mustard and pickles. Okay, and I better bring back some olives, too. Olives, why? The fermenter fell out of your couplings. All right, go get my sandwich. Yes, sir. See, I've got quite a while before I have to be back on stage. I think I'll freshen up my makeup. First, I better take this old stuff off. Now, let's see, where's that jar? Oh, here it is. There, that ought to be enough. Hey, this stuff really takes the makeup off. And in that fancy jar, no one would ever guess it's Crisco. I wonder if I should shave before I... Hmm, look at my eyes. They're bluer than the thumb of a cross-eyed carpenter. I better put on some more makeup instead of talking to myself all evening. Come in. Well, if it isn't Mary, Mary, quite contrary. How does your garden grow? With silver bells and cockle shells. And boy, are you a schmo. Hmm. Got any more poetry you want to throw my way? Never mind, but Mary, did you catch my last performance? I caught more than that. Huh? I was in the front row when you took your bow. Here, put it back on your head. Well, I'm glad you caught it this time. Yesterday, a lady brought it back and wanted me to autograph it. Jack, you mean she kept your toupee? She was a midget. She thought it was a mink stole. You and your long sideburns. Never mind. Look, Mary, I want to finish my makeup, so excuse me. Uh, wait a minute, Jack. Your jar of cold cream, it doesn't have any label on it. I know. Gee, it looks good. It smells good, too. Who recommended it? Percy Westmurn or Max Factor? Betty Crocker. Betty Crocker? Uh-huh. But she tells you how to cook and fry and... Wait a minute. Let me smell that again. What are you laughing at? I never thought that Buck Benny would turn out to be the Cisco kid. Crisco kid. Out of underline. All I know is it works, anyway. Come in. Oh, Bob Crosby. Hi, Jack. Hello, Mary. Hi, Bob. I didn't mean to keep you waiting, Mary, but I had a few errands to do. Waiting? Oh, I meant to tell you, Mary. I want you and Bob to sing a song together on my radio show. Oh, I don't want to do that. After all, I haven't got the voice of a great singer. Well, I've got the name of one, so let's take a stab at it. Matter of fact, I just got a letter from him this morning. You know, Bing is in Paris. Oh, yes, I read about that. See, Paris in the spring. Gosh, how I'd like to be there. See, Bob, wasn't it in Paris last year when Bing was taking a nap in the park and a French policeman arrested him there? Yeah, but this time he's taken some precautions to make sure that it doesn't happen again. But what did he do? He bought France. He bought France? You're surprised, huh? I didn't think Maurice Chevalier would sell. Well, so much for international news. You know, kids, I'm really getting a kick out of doing a stage show here in San Francisco. It's nice to get away from... excuse me. Hello? Here's your party. Go ahead, Hollywood. Hello, Jack. This is Don Wilson. Oh, what is it, Don? Jack, I have the most wonderful idea I just had to call you. What is it, Don? Well, you know how the entire movie industry is so excited about these new three-dimensional pictures? Yes. Well, I have an idea for a 3-D picture that's bound to be absolutely sensational. What is it? Well, the opening scene takes place on a tobacco plantation in Goldsboro, North Carolina. No. And the scene is so realistic, the people in the audience will think they're sitting right in a field of that light that find that naturally mild tobacco. Continue, Don. You fascinate me. Now, this is going to be a musical. The sportsman's quartet comes out and sings a love song to a lucky strike cigarette. No kidding. Take it, fellas! Yes, lucky's patterned you and when they were done You were all the good things Rolled up in one You have a fresher taste It's true You're smoother And you are clean through and through So round and firm So fully, fully packed They must have made you just for me My darling, you were meant for me Not a puff is rough, better tasting, sure enough I once knew and only you will do You are the best and that is true Every lucky strike is free from loose ends Full of smoking plays my friends And so to you, my... I have learned to tear, now it's easy to compare You're the smoke I like What a cigarette, pressure tasting you can bet So we say Get a carton now today For lucky strike For... And that sounds wonderful, but remember with 3D picture You have to give everybody in the audience a pair of glasses Not for this picture, we're going to give everybody an ashtray Oh, good, good Now, Don, we'll talk about when I get back to San Francisco Okay, so long, Jack Goodbye, Don Here's your sandwich, boys Thanks, Rochester Hey, this is a nice thick one Yeah, when I told the man in the Donald contestant It was for you, he put in an extra piece of meat Gee, he must have liked me Put in an extra piece of corned beef, huh? No, ham Not who, ham I heard, I heard Would you like some more mustard on it? No, no, this is fine the way it is Gee, that sandwich looks good Sure does Oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't be eating like this in front of you kids Oh, Rochester You want me to run across the street and get some more sandwiches? No, see if there's an empty dressing room I'll go and eat in there Don't put yourself out, Jack Come on, Mary, I'll take you to dinner Okay, Bob, thanks You can come along, too, Jack No, thanks, I better stay here and relax So long, kids Bye, Jack So long Rochester, I'll have to get dressed pretty soon So lay out my clothes, will you please? Okay I think that during my next show There'll be some critics out front So I want you to sneak out in the audience And when I tell my jokes, laugh it up Again? What do you mean again? Rochester, I don't ask you to... Come in Hello, Jack Hello, Rochester Well, Fred Fred, I... This is a surprise What did you get in town? Last night Last night? Why didn't you call me at my hotel? You mean you're staying at one that has phones? Well, no, but there's a candy store in the lobby That takes messages Gosh, it's good to see you, Fred Tell me, what are you doing here in San Francisco? Well, Jack, I'm here on business Business? Yes, you see, Portland needs a mink stole And I've heard there's a midget here Who wants to sell one Oh, you were nearly as bad as Mary there I had some of the fur in my mouth Say, boss, as long as Mr. Allen's in town Why don't you put him on your stage show? Well, thank you, Rochester But I couldn't very well go out on a stage now I haven't got any material Well, don't you have any of your old Vortival routines left? Well, if I did, I'd be on television It'd be great if you could join me On my stage show, Fred Well, I'd really love to, Jack But I have to rush back to Hollywood I've been offered to lead in a new picture A new picture? No dimension, it's a new thing that's coming out When it comes out, you don't dimension the whole thing So far, that's better than what we've got written here In this picture, Jack I play the part of a test pilot in Los Angeles I see The picture is called Breaking the Small Barrier It's a shame you can't stay over, Fred So we could appear together and be like old times Say, Mr. Barry, did you and Mr. Allen What's doing, act together in Vortibil? We sure did, Rochester We had a lot of fun in those days Oh, gosh Remember, Jack, how we'd always celebrate With a big dinner at Lindy's every time we got a job? Yeah, we'd always get the best Shrimp cocktail, turtle soup, chef salad Filet mignon, stuffed potatoes, strawberry shortcake Then I'd top it all off with a big glass of Ovaltine Ovaltine? Well, he wanted to be asleep when the check came Those were the good old days I'll never forget the time we rehearsed And polished our act for weeks And we went to see Mickey Rockford, the biggest booking agent in New York Come on, Fred, I think Mr. Rockford's office is down the hall Hey, it's crowded in here, Jack I guess we'll have to talk to the secretary Miss, we'd like to see Mr. Rockford Do you have an appointment? We're Benny and Allen Benny and Allen? Yeah, don't you recognize us? Why? Is there a reward? You don't, uh, you don't understand, girly We do a board-relact Really? Which one throws the fish? Say, that is clever Miss, you ought to be in show business yourself Me in show business? Yes, I know a magician who stars a woman in half You look better in two pieces Take it easy, Fred Look, Miss, we don't want to argue We'd just like to see our agent Mr. Rockford Well, first I'll need some information Now, uh, what's the name of your act again? Allen and Benny I thought you said it was Benny and Allen Well, at two o'clock our billing changes Well, what kind of an act do you do? Violin, clarinet, and snappy pattern And where have you played? Oh, all over Well, where? Well, just tell her the important dates, Jack Yeah, go ahead Well, we did a week in South Belly, Wyoming A week in Loose Tooth, Arizona Three days in stagnant water, New Mexico And we also played the palace here in New York South Belly, loose tooth, stagnant water in the palace Well, at least you worked your way up No, we played the palace first Well, Mr. Rockford's busy right now So just have a seat and I'll call you All right Oh, um, by the way, Mr. Allen I don't mean to be personal But are you an American citizen? Yes Yes, I got these slant eyes from pulling off a tight derby Come on, Fred, let's sit down Yes? Yes Oh, very well, Mr. Rockford Oh, boys, Mr. Rockford, we'll see you now Good, good Come on, Fred, let's go in, okay? Well, come on in, fellas Come on in, close the door, sit down Thank you Mr. Rockford, I'm Jack Benny This is Fred Allen That's right, Mr. Rockford Remember, you booked our act in the palace Seven years ago Oh, yes What business are you in now? Well, we're still in show business Yes, and we thought you could book us Please, fellas Our new act is sensational At least give us a chance, Mr. Rockford Yes, all we need is one good break, you know I gave you a break when I put you in the lowest flat bush Some break They opened with Fink's mules Then Major Dodie's dogs came out Then Manny's monkeys Then Powers dancing elephants So what? Well, by the time we came out We looked like the last two passengers on Noah's arm Well, look, boys, I'm very busy, Anna Please, Mr. Rockford, just listen to our opening number It'll only take a second All right, but before you... Oh, excuse me Come in Mr. Rockford, here's the 10% commission I owe you For booking my act last week Oh, thank you Oh, wait a minute You're a cute boy Sonny, what's your name? Eddie Cantor Eddie Cantor Potatoes are cheaper Tomatoes are cheaper Now's the time to fall in love What about listening to our new act? Oh, all right, if you insist Ready with your clarinet friend? Ready Okay One, two Oh, Mr. Allen What is it, Mr. Benny? Have you heard that they're making women's bathing suits Out of spun glass? Women's bathing suits out of glass? Well, that's worth looking into I'll take it, Mr. Allen If you will No, Mr. Benny Yes, Mr. Allen Oh, pardon me I love music So do I Music once saved my uncle's life Well, how did music save your uncle's life? I played the Star-Spangled Banner Just as he was sitting in the electric chair Take it, Mr. Allen Purple lady, you know You don't have to finish it, you know Oh, Mr. Benny Yes, Mr. Allen I want you to meet my new girl Her name is Wellenough Why do you call your girl Wellenough? Because I want the boys to leave Wellenough alive How about the finale, Mr. In you listen? Billy gets his head out of the drawer Maybe he's looking for a contrast Fellows Yes, yes, yes Yes, yes, Mr. Rockford To tell you the truth, fellas, I'm confused The whole act leaves me cold It's neither fish nor foal Well, that's funny The last agent we went to thought it was both Well, Mr. Rockford, you mean you can't book us anywhere? Well, actually, I don't have a thing open for a double Have either of you considered doing a single? What? And break up the act? Why, we've been together for years You can't split Benny and Allen It's ridiculous We're more than just a team We're partners, friends, buddies Why, we'd rather starve than let anything come between us Well, that's a shame because I've got an opening for a single Scranton for $15 a week I'll take it Well, if that's the way you feel I'll take it for $14 a week, Mr. Rockford Fred, you steal a job away from your partner, your buddy, your friends Some friend What did you ever do for me? Why, you puff-eyed ingrate For years, we've lived off my violin, my brains, my talent, my joke And my money And you listen, you miser As for your violin playing I have heard cleaner notes From a toothless Russian sipping borscht You are just lucky you've had me and my clarinet Clarinet, the only way you could make a living with that clarinet Is to put a nail on the end of it and went out in the park Mr. Rockford, rather than let you hire this no-talented wage-cutter I'll take the job for $10 a week Oh, yeah? Well, I'll take it for eight I'll take it for five Well, I'll take it for three Well, I'll take it for nothing So will I Well, at that price, I can afford both of you Jackson, did you hear that? We're working Fred Jackson Gentlemen, our forests are among our most vital resources Last year, through carelessness, forest fires destroyed millions of acres of valuable timber This shameful waste weakens America Protect our forests Don't toss away lighted matches or cigarettes Make sure every campfire is completely out Remember, only you can prevent forest fires Thank you The first nothing, no nothing, beats better taste And remember Lucky tastes better Cleaner, fresher, smoother Lucky tastes better Cleaner, fresher, smoother For lucky strike means Pine tobacco, Richard same thing Pine tobacco Lucky tastes better Cleaner, fresher, smoother Lucky strikes, lucky strikes I suppose there's no way of telling just how many different reasons there are for smoking But this is certain All those reasons add up to enjoyment And for real smoking enjoyment, nothing No nothing beats better taste And luckies taste better Cleaner, fresher, smoother That's partly because luckies are made better Made round and firm and fully packed To draw freely and smoke evenly Yes, made better to taste better And there's another important reason for luckies better taste It's fine tobacco Long strands of fine, light and mild tobacco With a wonderful taste and an aroma that's even better For L.S.M.F.T. Lucky strike means fine tobacco So friends, switch to the cigarette that gives you more real smoking enjoyment Because it tastes better Be happy, go lucky Next time, every time Ask for a carton of lucky strike Be happy, go lucky Get better paid today Ladies and gentlemen, that concludes another program And we'll be with you next week at the same time And Fred, it was nice reminiscing Oh, say Jack, we forgot to tell him about the time we played in Burning Stump, Arkansas Remember that insulting audience? Oh, yes, I remember while we were doing our act The audience threw pennies on the stage And you complained to the manager And when they stopped, you complained to the manager Come on, Fred, let's go out and get a cup of coffee Good night, folks Jack Benny program is written by Sam Parran Milt Josesburg George Balzer John Tackaberry And produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks Be sure to hear The American Way With Horace Hyde for Lucky Strike Every Thursday over this same station Consult your newspaper for the time Jack Benny program is brought to you by Lucky Strike Product of the American Tobacco Company America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes Stay tuned now for the Amazon Andy Show Which follows immediately over most of these same stations This is the CBS Radio Network