 J-E-L-L-O. The Jell-O program coming to you from Hollywood, California, starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. The orchestra opens a program with goodbye Broadway, hello Figaroas 3. Today, ladies and gentlemen, those big red letters on the box mean twice as much as they ever did before. For today, the name Jell-O not only means America's favorite gelatin dessert, it also stands for those rich, creamy Jell-O puddings. Jell-O puddings are so downright delicious and so quick and easy to make, they're winning new friends every day. With Jell-O puddings, all you have to do is add milk, bring to a boil, and pour into sherbet glasses to cool. And there, almost before you know it, you've made the family a smooth, creamy pudding with a mellow flavor so grand that it outrivals any other pudding you ever tasted. So the next time you ask your grocer for Jell-O, ask him for Jell-O puddings too. In all three flavors, chocolate, vanilla, and butterscotch. And when you buy, be sure the name Jell-O is on the package. Jell-O is a trademark, the property of general foods. And it identifies two of the finest desserts that ever graced the dinner table, Jell-O and Jell-O's creamy puddings. Street play by the orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pleasure that I bring you a man with whom I have been associated for many years. A man whose friendship and thought- Hold it, Don, hold it. We've got a long play to do tonight, so you needn't bother with the introduction. But Jack, I had a very special reason for wanting to- But Jell-O again, this is Jack Benny talking. And, Don, I'm sorry I had to rush you like that, but as I said, we're doing a very important play tonight, Tobacco Rose. And I'm anxious to get into it. Did the rest of the gang get here yet? Don, did the rest of the gang get here yet? Who cares? What's the matter with you? I simply asked if the gang got here yet. Well, if they mean more to you than I do, I'd like to tender my resignation. What are you talking about? Well, just this. The reason I wanted to introduce you tonight was because I wanted to tie it in with my eighth anniversary. Your eighth anniversary? Yes, I've been on this program eight years tonight, and the least you could have done was to acknowledge it. Oh, so that's it. Well, gee whiz, congratulations, Don, and many happy returns of the day. Thanks. Well, what do you know? It's your anniversary. I'm sorry it slipped my mind. Say, I wonder what happened to the rest of the gang. It slipped his mind. What? That's fine treatment. After I've worked and slaved and given you the best years of my life. The best years of your life? For heaven's sake, Don, we're not married. Jeepers, you think I was the husband and you were the little woman? Now, please, don't be unreasonable. I don't think it's unreasonable to talk about my anniversary. All right, let's talk about it. So you've been with me eight years, eh, Donzie? Well, if you hate me, come right out and say so. Now, look, Wilson, if you're going to act like a baby, I'm going to put you over my knee and change your option. Now, put your lips in and behave. And stop laughing when you're supposed to be mad. Now, the reason, now the reason I asked about the gang getting here is because I want to start casting tobacco roles. I think we've got a swell play for tonight. It happens that my writers are very illiterate, and this hillbilly, this hillbilly stuff is right up their alley. Yes, sir. Don't expect me to laugh, brother. Who asked you to laugh? I merely said my writers are a couple of hillbillies, and that's the truth. Oh, why don't you get writers that are educated? Don, if they were educated, they could read and if they could read, they would never have signed their contract. I got Phil Harris the same way. Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Oh, hello, Don. Congratulations on your eighth anniversary. Thanks, Mary. I'm glad you remembered. Might it be nice to find out who your friends are? Don, I'm your friend, believe me. I just happen to forget your big fat anniversary. That's all. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Now, look, there are only two ways out of this, Don. You can either accept my apology and I'll buy you a lovely present, or I can kill myself. Now, which do you want? Which is easier for you? Well... I'll be darned. He's thinking it over. Just thinking how silly you are, and Wilson too. Well, I don't blame Don. He never forgets your birthday, does he? Nobody forgets it. How can you? Every year I send each one of you a telegram. Don't forget Jack's birthday, a friend. It's lucky that I'm sentimental or I wouldn't get a thing. Why, Jack, you even send us telegrams two weeks before Christmas. Well, certainly those are just holiday greetings. Some greetings. Merry Christmas. All the stores know my sizes. I don't remember sending anything like that, and if I had, it would have been funnier. Anyway, I'd be much more subtle than that. Oh, you're about as subtle as a two-dollar toupee. Now, let's analyze that little remark with the anniversary. In the first place, you can't get a toupee for two dollars. They cost a lot of money. You got yours for nothing. Never mind. Remember that windy day? Now, wait a minute. That thing I grabbed that was rolling down the street was not a toupee. It was a bird's nest. Well, let's see if y'all must have made it. It had a wave in it. All right, forget it. Now, Mary, I asked you to be here early tonight because I want to get going with tobacco rolls. Of course, I'm going to play the leading role, Jeter Lester. Why can't I be Jeter Lester? It's my anniversary. Don, you can't be a hillbilly. If you ever took your shoes off, your feet would spread out clear across the stage. Now, Mary, you're going to be my wife, and we have 18 children. 18 children? What are you laughing at? You can write anything. That's the play, and that's the story. Now, let's see. Hi, you Jackson. Here I am, Brighton Early. Well, I might know you've been on time tonight, Phil, as hillbilly-stuff as you're me. Yeah, you know my mammy and Pappy down in Tennessee are listening in tonight. I just sent them a radio. Thought you'd send your folks a radio over a year ago. Well, I did, but Pappy spilled a drink on it and it ate the dial off. Well, there's an ape that Wilson can't tie into. Say, where's Dennis? I told him to get here. What'd you say? I said, where's Dennis? Thanks, Phil. I said, where's Dennis? I told him, I told him to get here early tonight. Oh, I've seen the kid. He's across the street shooting pool. Shooting pool? Why doesn't he get over here? Well, he was making a tough shot, and he got his foot caught in the side pocket. What? Imagine he's paying 60 cents an hour just to lay him there. Well, that's the case. You might as well play your band number, Phil. And Mary, you run over to the bowling alley and get Dennis. I'm tired of that place. I've been sitting up pinned there all morning. You have not. You're just too lazy to go over, that's all. All right, hit it, Phil. Hold on a minute. Come in. We're here again. We're very upset. Well, what do you say? Are we going to be fired or not? Yes. We've been waiting for a long time. Benning, get the money right away. Well, I told you last week. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Play, Phil. All right, boys. Adios, William Machacho. Adios. My goodness. Well, that was Frafula's reference. Played, played by Phil Harris and his lovely orchestra. Lovely being as close as we could get to the word that was blue pencil at rehearsal. And now, ladies and gentlemen. Now, wait a minute, Jackson. Now, we should lay off on my boys. They're high-class artists and they're commencing to resent it. High-class artists? Yes. Phil, I'd like to throw a cigar away just once. Without having one of those high-class artists grab it on the first bounce. They're all down there on their hands and knees. Not my first violinist. No, he's proud. He's got a nail on the end of his bowl. Seriously, Phil, I wish you'd speak to your boys about that habit. It embarrasses me. Well, I will, Jackson. Hey, fellas, no more smoking cigars unless it's their maiden boys. Well, at last, we're on the right track. All right, Don. At last, we're on the right track. Sorry, Jack, I'm not going to do that. What? Don, at last, we're on the right track. Now, go ahead. I'm not going to read the commercial unless it ties in with my eighth anniversary. Don, I'm not going to argue with you. Now, go ahead. At last, we're on the right track. Oh, keep your old track. All right, then I'll read it. Mary, give me the lead. Okay. At last, we're on the right track. Ladies and gentlemen, you are always on the right track when you ask your grocer for a package of tempting and appetizing jello. But even though you are on the track, don't let him switch you to another brand. Boy, is that obvious. Quiet. So remember, folks, always insist on genuine jello. And look for the big red letters on the box. Yeah. No matter how awful, Don, I'd kick you right in the pants if you could feel it. Personally, I think that was a very clever commercial. And now, folks. Hello, Mr. Benny. I'm sorry I'm late. Well, I wanted to hear early tonight, Dennis. Are you all set for Tobacco Road? This ain't sense, then, I'm chewing. Dennis. Boy, am I sick. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, the idea of chewing tobacco just because we're doing a play called Tobacco Road. Well, I'm such a lousy actor, I figured anything would help. Dennis, we don't use that word on this program. You're a lovely actor. L-O-U-S-Y. Lovely. Then I ought to get more money. Look, bud, make off like I didn't correct you. Anyway, Dennis, in our play, you're going to be Dude Lester, my son. Hey, Jack, who's that fat girl standing in front of the piano? Well, oh, her. That must be the actress I hired to play the part of Ellie May, my daughter. Are you looking for me, Miss? I sure am, kid. Well, look, Miss, uh... Noodleman. Heather Noodleman. Oh, yes, I saw you in your latest picture. Puppets of passion. Wasn't I lovely in that? You certainly were. Now, look, Miss Noodleman. Just call me Heather. That's Heather. Heather. It's Heather from where I'm standing. Never mind. Now, look, Miss Noodleman, you're not exactly the type I had in mind for our play. You see, Ellie May is supposed to be a thin, undernourished girl, and you're a little bit on the plump side. Now, what do you weigh? I beg your pardon? I said, what do you weigh? I don't know. Every time I put a penny in the machine, a little card comes out that says, if you don't get off, I'll scream. That's, uh, that's what I'm getting at. Frankly, Miss Noodleman, you're much too fat. Be careful, young man. I'm a high-class artist. You are? But don't clap your cigar. I will. Well, Miss Noodleman, it's too late, uh... It's too late to make any changes, so we'll let you handle the part. Thanks, kid. However, try and look as hungry as possible. And now that we're all here, ladies and gentlemen, our version of Tobacco Road will go on immediately after Harris and the boys get us in the mood. Go ahead, Phil. Nice going, boys. Now, there's a number they can play. No music. And now, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, we bring you our feature attraction of the evening, Tobacco Road. All right, fellas, let's get in the spirit of this. Take off your shoes, everybody. Good. Hey, Jackson, you only took one shoe off. Well, I got a little hole in my other sock, so I better leave it on. Take both shoes off. You made us do it. Oh, all right. Mmm, darn it. Oh, boys! Get away from there, Ollie. It's mine. See, our shoes are off. Phil, come on, you're a hillbilly, too. Must up your hair. I'd rather die first. All right, if you won't cooperate. Well, let's go. Ladies and gentlemen, our version of Daryl Evzanic's 20th Century Fox production, Tobacco Road, set the scene, Mr. Wilson. I won't do it unless it ties in with my eighth anniversary. It does tie in with your eighth anniversary. Look, Don, Tobacco Road is in its eighth year on Broadway. Erskine Caldwell wrote the novel, Caldwell has eight letters. Jack Kirkland wrote the play. There are eight letters in Kirkland. John Ford directed the picture. There are eight letters in John Ford. Not only Johnson wrote the screenplay, there are eight letters in Johnson. There are only seven letters in Johnson. Eight, I borrowed an extra end from Xanix. John... Son! Now set the scene, will you, Don? Please. Oh, all right. Gosh, what a hassle. Music, boys. Tobacco Road a hundred years ago was the scene of the richest cotton and tobacco plantations in the entire South. But today it is a famished and desolate land. The opening scene is the tunnel down shack of the Jeter Lester's. It's a hot summer's day and Jeter is lying on the front porch asleep in the... Jeter Lester, you're lazy good for nothing. Wake up. Stop, I say. Hit me with something. Okay. Thanks, Moles. What do you want? I want you to go out and rustle up some food. We ain't ate for a month. Don't worry, Moles. We'll get some food one of these days. I hope so. I'd like to burp just once more before I die. We ain't gonna get that much. Well, there's about time for my nap. But dream of turnips, I'll save you one. Now, Jeter Lester, you get up and go find Elly May and Dude. I ain't seen him since this morning. Elly May and Dude, them's our hogs, they say. No, them's our kids. The hogs move out on us. Oh, that's right. You know, Moles, that Elly May's getting to be a mighty pretty gal. And besides that, she's a half-wit. Yeah, she sure is smart. You know, Pa, I was wondering, if Elly May is a half-wit, what does that make Dude? I don't know. I never was no good at fraction. He's very happy, though, giggles all the time. Yes, sir. Hello, Jeter. Hi, yes, Jeter. Where's Jeter? He went into Leder. Oh. So long, Jeter. So long, Jeter. Hmm. Who is that, Pa? Just a stew, John's sick of talking to you. Hey, Mo, ain't that our son's dude coming down the road on his hands and knees? That's him, 18 years old. And he never learned to walk. Well, give the kid a chance. Maybe he never thought of it. Hello, son. Hello, Jeter. That's Jeter. The way you shake. A bike, gum, and bike jello. That's a fine way to talk to your poor old pa. Where you been? I drove your old car down the village and saw that load of wood that was in the back seat. What'd you get for it? A dollar and a half, including the car. True deal, son. A hand over the money. I ain't got it. I bought gasoline with it. Bought gasoline? What good is gasoline after you sold the car? If I knew that, I could walk standing up. Why you... Leave me alone, Pa. At least we got a can of gasoline. Yep. Now, if we just had a lemon, we could have a cocktail party. Yes, sir. You know, Pa, I saw Banker Wilson down in the village and he said if you ain't got a hundred dollars by tonight, he'll send us all to the poor house. The poor house? What's wrong with that? Go there. He gotta take a bath. Not me. I've had three baths this year already. Get in caught in the rain. Don't count. Does too. I was chewing soap at the time. Anyway, where am I going to get a hundred dollars? See, I got an idea, Ma. Hello, Skeeter. Where you going, Skeeter? Going to buy a heater. Well, you can get one up the streeter. Street here. I had a reach for that one. Oh! I got an idea, Ma. If we can only get our daughter, Ellie May, married to some rich fella, our troubles is over. Oh, I'll be glad to marry a rich fella. You're a boy. Ma, haven't you never told him what he is? I didn't know. Well, he's a boy. He's got long pants. Hey, boy! Now go over to that barrel, son, and help yourself with some ice cream. Thanks. Listen, Skeeter, I wish you'd stop feeding our kids cotton. Oh. They know it ain't ice cream. Their gums don't get cold. What's the difference, God Vitamine? Say, what's that coming down the road? That's our daughter. Hello, Ellie. Hello, Ma. Boy, is she thin. Sit down, Ellie. I want to talk to you. Okay. Well, there goes the chair. The only one in this county, too. Too bad. Now listen here, Ellie May. We're up again. The only way out is for you to get married in a hurry. I'm Will and Paul. I chased a man ten miles today. Nice work. I'd have got him, but he took a shot at me. They always do. Say, how about you get married to tWitch Harris? He works at the Wilshire Bowl, and he'd be a good catch for you. Tell me, Paul, do you think I'm his type? His type? Ellie May, that is a general classification if I ever heard of it. Hear that more? Ellie May want to know if she was tWitch Harris's type. I'm his type, and I got a muck cash. There you are. I'll tell your daughter if you play your cards right. Hi, you cheater. Well, howdy, folks. Buy gum and buy jello. Here's tWitch now. Hello, sweetheart. You're looking good, tWitch. I see you've got your banjo with you. That ain't my banjo. I just put strings on the jug to fool them revenues. Well, I'll be dog-gone. Say, tWitch, have you ever thought of getting married and settling down? I do, a lot of times, but a little boom on the morning takes care of that. Well, tWitch, you ought to have a wife. Some of the drag you in off the road at night. You'll likely get run over. Well, maybe I ought to get married. What girl have you got in mind, jeet? Well, there's a few of them around here. First is my daughter, Ellie May. I said Ellie May. Keep it talkin', brother. Now, hold on, tWitch. Ellie May's a fine gal. She's holier than a mud-pen, but she's a wonderful cook. Who cares if I marry her or couldn't eat? Now, wait a minute, tWitch. Ellie May is very affectionate. Give him a kiss, daughter. OK. You come near me and I'll straighten your teeth. Wait a minute. Her teeth don't stick out so far. My hat's hangin' on them, ain't it? Well, that's just plain rudeness. Now, listen here, tWitch. The reason I want- Hello, cheater! Hi, yes, cheater. Did you get the heater? Yep, and you can't beat her. That's good. So long, cheater. So long, cheater! Now, tWitch, the reason I want you to marry Ellie May is because I need a hundred dollars or Banker Wilson's gonna take away my land. What you worried about? You got most of it on ya. Well, that's the last straw. tWitch, here, as you get off my property. Get it. Well, what's keepin' ya? Make Ellie May open her mouth. I want my hat back. Yeah, don't, daughter. Dark Vaughn is here already for his money. We better hide. Yeah, let's all get behind Ellie May. Oh, take no use. You might as well face it. Hello, Banker Wilson. Nice day, ain't it? Now, listen here, cheater Lester. I came here for that money and I'm gonna get it. Well, I'll tell you- Tell me nothing. You give me that eight dollars or I'll throw ya out. Eight dollars? I owe ya a hundred. Make it eight. I want to tie it in with my anniversary. We ain't got eight dollars, Banker Wilson. We ain't got seven dollars. And a six. Shucks. We ain't even got five dollars. Have we more? Gosh, no. We ain't been to seros for weeks. That's right. Then get going, cheater. Get off this land. We're going, Wilson. Come on, Moore. Come on, Ellie May. Hey, dude. Yes, Pa? Get down on your hands and knees. We're a walk into the poor house. I sure hate to leave the old place, though. Hello, cheater. Hello. Have you got eight dollars? You don't need her? Can I marry your cheater? Cheater, she'll be better than that cheater. Here, Banker Wilson. Here's eight dollars. And we're a stand on this land. Thanks, cheater. You're welcome, cheater. Follow on. Version of Tobacco Rule, play twist. In a few months now, along about the end of May or the first of June, cherries will be on the market again. And once more, we'll be able to enjoy their sweet summary goodness. But why wait until June? When all the rich, delightful refreshment of juicy ripe cherries can be yours right now in a big, red, shimmering mold of fruited cherry jello. This grand dessert is an eye-filling, taste-teasing treat that your family will ask for time and time again. And you'll always be glad to make it, too, because it's so easy to prepare. Just dissolve one package of cherry jello in one pint of hot water and chill until slightly thickened. Fold in three-fourths of a cup each of diced orange sections and diced grapefruit sections. Then mold, and there's our mighty swell dessert, a brilliant blend of sweet, juicy oranges, golden grapefruit, and bright crimson cherry jello. So get a package of cherry jello tomorrow and make up this luscious dessert. Cherry jello, like strawberry and raspberry jello, now has a new improved flavor obtained by using a natural flavor base artificially enhanced. And today you'll find it better than ever, even more distinctive, even more delicious. Try a glistening mold of rich, colorful jello real soon. Last number of the 25th program in the current jello series, and we will be with you again next Sunday night at the same time. Say, Jack. What I said, same time. You certainly did. Same. With you next Sunday night at the same time. Say, Jack. What? You know that that Alan did tobacco the last one. You think he did? Well... You don't have to be so... You don't have to be jealous, Jack. More money fell out of your shoe than his. Oh, I knew I was a better actor. And now, folks, at this time I want to wish a lot of success to Sam Schlepperman, Hearn, who opens at the Palomar Theater in Seattle, Washington tomorrow. Good luck, Schlepper. Good night, folks. J.P. Countdown.