 I wasn't going to start here, but I will, you know, with a lot of things that I've heard people say in the way that I feel, and I think that it needs to be said. I know that every flower begins with a seed, and then whoever nurtures it, nurtures it, and however it is grown and tended to, that's how beautiful it will be. You know, sometimes we don't even know, I have this thing, I have a black thumb, and so I start weeding the flowers out and nurturing the weeds, and it's like, what is this? And then they start picking me, and it's like, wait a minute, you know, I have to start over on this. So I start developing the flowers and just having them grow, and so, well, that's how we are as children. Our parents get us as little seeds, and they nurture us, they do their best with what they have. I mean, nobody's born with an owner's manual, you know, I've heard my mom say that before, and I said that I was, but she couldn't read it, it was in Spanish, and so I came out of my mama premature, she unfortunately became an epileptic when she was six months pregnant of me, and started into some pretty heavy medications at that time. I was born a little bit early, not too early, but because she was having eight to twelve grand malls, epileptic seizures a day, she couldn't take care of me, and she had told me that she couldn't take care of me because she had the other three children to take care of. I understand that, I do today, but growing up I didn't get it. I thought that, you know, I just, I was just one of those weeds coming out in that garden, and so I went to live with my aunt and uncle at six weeks old. My parents would come visit me often. My aunt would love on me, and I was her baby, and I get how that is, I mean, I'm an auntie almost like 40 times, and I love my kids, I do, you know, they're just awesome. I don't have the opportunity to know each of them, but I love them very, very much. They're my family. It wasn't until I was about two and a half years old that my mom said that she brought me home for the weekend, and she went to give me a bath. And so, you know, I mean babies are innocent, you know, you don't know what you're saying, you just know what's going on at the moment. And I asked her to, you know, forgive me, but this is, this is a personal testimony, but it needs to be said. We need to talk about what's going on in our lives so that we can be set free. I don't mean to offend anybody with what I'm going to say at all. I'm just going to say it because you know what, I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut over sin. It's too bad. But I was molested. And I asked my mom to tickle me the way that my uncle used to. And she asked, show me. And I did. Well, I got to come home. My mom and dad went and packed my little bags, and I came home. And of course, at two and a half or so, I mean, I don't know what's going on. You know, I just know that this is where I am. There's three other people here, and my mom and dad, and so on and so forth. My mom continued to have epileptic seizures, and I would see that, and it was pretty rough. The boys would try and put us in the other room, but I'm real nosy. Even then, I had to see what was going on. All through my life, I wanted to be loved. And because of that little seed and how that seed was being developed, I thought that love was through sex. I thought that I had to be touched in order for somebody to show me that they loved me and that I was supposed to reciprocate that. And I never said anything. I was, you know, of course, told, you know, you don't talk about these things. And so that started developing a mentality in me where I became a good secret keeper. I didn't say anything, you know. By the time I was 14, in December of 1970, my brother David came home. He was a Lodi, you know, just crazy, crazy guy. And I admired that. You know, I would pinch his stash like he said, you know, I mean, and there were Twinkie wrappers that were all over the floor. And so I would, I would pinch his stash. Sorry, I don't know if you knew that, but I made some money. And the mattoos wine and all this stuff that, you know, was all over the place. I mean, my mom was working. She started working when I was five, so I really didn't know her as mama at home with, you know, what is it called, the beaver cleaver people? That was not us. And so Madeline and I, my sister would come in and we'd cook. We learned to cook at like five and seven years old on stools. We had my dad's supper ready at about seven o'clock. So David started partying a lot, and so I just, I wanted to be like that, you know. I admired him. And so I partied along by myself. I would never do it in front of him. He wouldn't let me, you know. He warned his male friends, you know, like, stay away from my sisters, but, you know, in the back I was like, I'm over here, you know. And so, you know, I mean, just going crazy. When David came in after he had accepted the Lord, I thought that he was just coked out. You know, I mean, he was just really wired and was like, oh, you switch drugs. Drug of choice, I guess I'll have to. And so he comes in, he's all wired and everything, he goes, and he's washing his hair under the sink in the bathroom. I found Jesus, I found Jesus. And I'm like, you know, where? You know, my mom comes in and she was, oh no, he's on acid, I know it. You know, and it's like, where is it? You know, so he was over there all, you know, all excited and everything. Well, within that period of time, he brought our family to know Jesus Christ. And I had like a wonderment and it's like, you know, what is this? You know, is this the love that I'm supposed to be feeling? And so shortly after that, David went into the service and my sister Madeline started working. She wasn't around, nobody was around. And so I decided that I was going to try, we would go to Costa Mesa, Calvary Chapel, Costa Mesa, it was awesome at that time. And so everybody was gone, I started high school, I was in high school and somebody invited us to go to summer camp, a young lady, a friend of my sister's. And so I thought, well, that would be great. You know, I want to, you know, be around people my own age, I guess, and you know, because I'm used to being around older people. And I guess people around my age are younger and get into a church. You know, I really want to do that. So I decided to go to summer camp, Camp Sealy. And this was a little church in Santa Fe Springs, California. So my mom dropped me off at the church. And I remember walking across the gravel concrete, the driveway. And I can hear the gravel cracking in my ears because believe it or not, I'm really shy and it's like, you know, everybody's looking at me type of thing. And you know, you can hear it sort of cracking in your head. And there was this girl that was sitting on a suitcase and she was looking at me like, you're going to get it. I'm going to get you. And it's like, you know, I said, hello. You know, we all went to summer camp for two weeks. This girl and I, her name's Paula, she became my best friend. And she was still into drugs and drinking and pretty heavy stuff at that time. And so because I wasn't that strong of a Christian, I started getting into that as well with her. Really, really bad. We'd go to church loaded. We'd, I mean, I could just go on and on some ugly stories, you know, that we used to do. A few, about a year later after I met Paula and after I started going to the youth group functions and so forth, a couple of women came in to visit our youth group and they wanted to teach us to sing. One of the women was 14 years older than I. Her name is Jenny. And it's almost like she zeroed in on me. And it was like, you know, you pick out the week and it's like you just sort of focus. And so I'm there and we're smoking cigarettes, playing guitar and singing and doing all that stuff, Bible study, quote unquote. And, you know, I'm sorry, it wasn't. You know, you had about 16, 18 young people and it just wasn't Bible study. So, but I didn't care. At that point, you know, I was, you know, just getting wasted all the time, all the time, all the time just going in. Well, this woman Jenny kind of took me in. And at that point, I was about 15 going on 16 and she started what we call today in my sister's one that gave me the word and it was like, oh snap. That's what it was. But she started grooming me. And she'd say, you know, she knew some of my history. She knew that I was lonely. She knew that I wanted to be loved. She knew I wanted to belong. And so she started bringing me into her. And next thing you know, I'm right here next to her and I'm just listening to her and I'm thinking, this woman loves me. She's really taking care of me. She's nurturing me. You know, this is it, you know. And it has to do with, and she was talking about the Lord and the Lord made you for me and I just want you to know that, you know, and she would read me Song of Solomon, which was romantic scripture. And I wasn't really geared towards thinking about her like that at all. I wasn't. And so this went on all the time because I was at the church every day. And it got to the point where I would go to church just to see her because she made me feel good. She made me feel loved. You know, I belong there, you know. So I would go over and she'd play the piano and she'd sing me all these songs, you know, to me. And, you know, we just hung out all the time, you know. And don't let anybody else know that we're hanging out together because nobody would understand. You know, you just need to know, Rebecca, that this is between you and me. And it's like, why, you know, what's the big secret here? Well, unfortunately, in June of 1974 at the beginning of June, my mom and I got into a pretty big fallout. And my mom and I did not get along at that time. I was just a stereotypical brat. And again, I wasn't born with an owner's manual. And she would say, you know, I want to be done with you. You know, it's, you know, I can't do, you know, I just go. And so I'd come home and it's like, you know, she'd look at me like, oh gosh, you know, we're going to have to deal with this kid again. So I'd go in and out of the house. And so one day I came in from vacation Bible school, we would teach the kids. And I went into my bedroom and my mom followed me. And she said, did you make your bed today? And I go, no. And she goes, why not? And I says, I don't want to. And she goes, make your bed before you go anywhere. And I said, no. She goes, make your bed. And I said, no. And she gave me a nice slap across the face. And I did land on the bed. And I looked at her like, you know, I'm just going to refrain here. I was really angry. She opens up my closet door and said, see that those bags right there? And I sat up and I looked at him. She goes, pack them and get out of my house. And I said, really? Okay. So I got up and I packed them. I loaded all my bags. I mean, my Volkswagen was just stuffed with stuff in my car. And my mom's like following me around. She's going, don't, don't. And I go, you know what, you said it. I said, I heard you. I said, I'm out of here. And to be honest with you, I wanted an out. So I used it as an excuse to blame later on. I did. You know, it's like you kicked me out. It's like, you know what? It was 50-50. We didn't like each other at all. So I left and I started driving over to Paula's house, my friend Paula. She was living with a young man at the time. And I had to pass the church. So I pulled into the church and a woman was there and I went in and what are you doing? Why are you crying? I says, oh, my mom and I just, where are you going? I said, I'm gonna go live with Paula. And she goes, no, you're not. She called Jenny on the phone and I went and lived with Jenny. And so there I am. She had my own bedroom. She had two children. And so I was all like family type feeling. I was 17 at the time and we were getting ready to go on tour because with this church, we would go around the USA and sing, you know? And here I am all loaded. What a hypocrite. I mean, this is just crazy. And so we're just going around and doing all this stuff. And so on August 4th, 1974, I turned 18 and we were in Wyoming, Casper, Wyoming at an armory. Three days after my 18th birthday, Jenny introduced me to homosexuality. And I thought that this was an extension of our love. That this was the next step. So I was starting to be convinced by her that I should have been born a boy because if I were born a boy, we could get married. She's 14 years older than me. And when we get home, I mean, she was pretty explicit with their plans for me, to be honest with you. And it was like, okay, you know, I guess this is what we're supposed to be doing. So we got back to Santa Fe Springs and for a few years, we carried on this secret relationship. At that time, I was seeing a young man and I was forbidden to see him. And there was another young man in the church that I was, I really was in love with, you know? So I was dating a couple guys and in love with one and he was just the sweetest thing. But I would get in trouble for talking to him. You know, and I'd look at him and it was like, you know, I just want to, I want to spend time with you. And we never, you know, I mean, it was just, I just loved him very, very much. But when Jenny would get me in the church, in the back, in the rooms, in the bathroom, at the house, at several hotels, she took me. I was scolded pretty bad and said, you know, you can't be doing this, you're mine. You know, you were born for me. You're born for me to love. You are mine, Rebecca, you are mine. And you've got, you know, and it was just going on and on, it's like, okay, you know, I get, I get it. And you can't start, you can't hang around with this person. You can't hang around with that person. Well, I started really, really getting into cocaine. That was my drug of choice to the point of dealing it. And, I mean, kilos and kilos and carloads of cocaine I was transporting back and forth. And that was from meeting some people where I worked at Burger King. And so I'm just going back and forth at that time. I was just, they used to call me a baby elephant and a coconut, because we would just, I mean, just blast, you know, the cocaine over and over, every day, every day. I got to about 94 pounds. And I was also on a lot of speed because I take speed to wake up, do coke during the day, smoke pot to go to sleep and drink and drink and drink and drink. Well, Jenny broke up with me because I was on drugs. And it's like, you know, at that point, I really didn't care because I wasn't only on drugs, but I was seeing several other women. And so it's like, you know, I really don't care. Well, unfortunately, I converted my friend Paula into homosexuality one night. We, it just happened, no, it didn't happen. You know, Satan just took hold of us. We lasted in a relationship for four years, moved to New Mexico because by that time, I was just really high strung on drugs, really bad. And so I said, I have got to clean up, I have to. She goes, okay, so we move, go to New Mexico. First place we find was a gay bar and just start hanging out and dancing and drinking and, you know, I stopped a lot of the drugs, but the drinking just continued. I mean, we wouldn't have glasses of beer. Everybody had a pitcher, you know, and over and over and over and just dance and dance and dance and dance all night. And you think you can dance good, you know, when you're drunk. And it's like, you know, forget it, you know. So we were together about four years. And she decided, because I was her first, you know, she decided that she wanted to go out and play around. And so she did, she left me. Well, you know, for a couple of months, I had lots of company in my apartment, lots and lots of company, just, you know, going on and out was, you know, it was a revolving door, you know, just coming in and out. And I met a woman named Sam. Well, when I saw Sam, it was like, I liked her a lot, you know, I really did. And we danced and got to know each other and ended up staying together for 10 years. We had a union because we wanted to become one. And so we had a fake marriage type thing where all of our gay friends, we went to MCC church because deep in my heart, I knew that God was real to me and I knew what I was doing was wrong. It felt good physically and emotionally, but it didn't feel good spiritually. At all. I mean, I would wake up and talk about a hangover, you know, all this and OD'd a few times and it's like, you know, what is going on here? You know, and who do I run to? Where do I go? Well, my mom had flown out to tell me that she wanted to let me know that I was gay. And so she flies out and we're sitting at the kitchen table and she says, I have something to tell you. And I said, okay. She said, I know what your sin is. And I said, okay, which one? And she said, you're, you're homosexual. And I go, you know, I said, yeah, I said, you know, I am. And then I just broke down and started crying. And she goes, well, I need to ask you, if gay means happy, why are you crying? I go, I don't know, you know, because I don't want to disappoint you. Well, what did that have to do with, with the love? What does it have to do with being accepted? You know, why did I have to ask all of these questions? You know, where's God, where's love? Where's, you know, where is all of this in the mix of my life? You know, why is there, why are people trying to protest, you know, to have, to legalize love? Why do we have to do that? You know, it's just not right. You know, can't we just be accepted? And back then, by this time in the 80s, I mean, we were really pushing forward for the laws to be changed. Not me so much because it's like, you know, it's kind of a waste of time. I wasn't an activist or anything like that, but I went along with my friends. It's like, yeah, you know, they should legalize all this stuff until finally I realized years later that you don't have to legalize the truth. You don't have to legalize a sin. Why are we gonna legalize a sin? Why do we do that? It's not right. I'm here to tell you it's not right. It's not right. You know, after Sam and I broke up after about 10 years, I went into another relationship with a woman named Tamara. And we were together about 10 years, again. And by this time, I was really feeling that conviction versus guilt. And that's another thing that I had to work out is that I was getting guilt trips, guilt trips, guilt trips late on me. You know, it's like, you shouldn't do this, shouldn't do that. And it shouldn't be that way. You know, what it turns out to be is that I should be felt, you know, I should feel conviction from the Holy Spirit, not guilt from people. You know, and I was listening to people, but in the back of my head it's like, you know, you know this is wrong. You know what you're doing is wrong. You know, you can't wake up with a clear conscience. I couldn't. I wasn't waking up with a clear conscience at all. I couldn't look at my mom and dad. I couldn't walk down the aisle with my father. I couldn't have a baby so my sister could help me with my birth. I couldn't. I couldn't do any of that because that's not who I was, who I thought I was. I couldn't. I was just a piece of gum on the bottom of someone's shoe. You know, just, you don't love me anyway. It doesn't matter. You know, what do you care anyway? Really, you're throwing out this God stuff to me, you know, and it's only for your own satisfaction. It's only because David has a church, you know, that you're throwing all this out. That's all, it's just all for you. And I would just fight and fight and fight. My parents and my family continued to pray for me. So I decided one Easter, I said, you know what, I'm gonna fly out and surprise my family and show up for sunrise service. And so I did and my parents were really excited to, you know, for me to come out and be with them and go to the park outside and it was early and it was just beautiful, beautiful morning. So we went to Ayala Park and it was April 12th, 1998. And I'm just sitting in the congregation just regular. I mean, I wasn't thinking anything about anything other than listening to a beautiful message that my brother was giving that morning. And it was like, it was almost like I could just see his face and it was like David was talking just to me as his sister, like I remember him doing years ago. Because through the years he would counsel me and tell me that I love you. He'd say, I love you, baby. But what you're doing is wrong, I can't justify it. But God loves, yes, he loves you, God loves you. But what you're doing is wrong. And I go, I don't get it, it's love. You know, how can love be wrong? I don't, I'm not getting it. So I'm sitting there and again, David's just like in this little circle up here. And he said, is there anybody here that would like to receive Christ as their savior? And I'm sitting there. My mom's on this side, my daddy's on this side. And I'm just watching and daddy turns around and he goes, would you like to go forward, baby? And I looked at him and I go, I go, yeah, I do. So he goes, come on. And he stood up and my mom just like jetted and she was ill, you know, but this time, I mean, she just stood up and was totally excited. So here we go, down the aisle. I accepted Christ as my savior that day. And the guilt went away and the conviction started. It's like, okay, this is what the difference is. I know that I can't go home now. I can't go home. What am I going to do? All the way on my flight, that home I was thinking, what am I going to do? How am I going to tell Tamara? What am I going to do? What am I going to say? Help me, you know, I don't know. I know I'm forgiven. I know I want to be a new creature, but I don't want to hurt her. It took a little while for me to stop doing what I was doing. I have to be honest with you. It was an instant spiritual conversion, but it wasn't an instant physical conversion. And sometimes it takes us a little longer. You know, a lot of people think that, you know, once we accept Christ and it's all gone and we open up a new door and all of this, but that wasn't how it happened with me. I was struggling a lot. I had a lot of gay friends and I love my friends. I still have some of them today. And they know how I am today. And we talk, you know, about everything that went on and I talk about the Lord and they know, you know, how I am. They come to me when they know that something's going on in their life. You know, they'll secretly call, you know, or text or something and say back, you know, something's going on here. And they know that I'll pray for them. And I do and I will. I always will. So finally, I told Tamara, I said, I can't do this. You know, I can't, my life is dedicated to Jesus Christ. And at this point, I was starting to feel sad because my father had already passed away and I was thinking, I never gave daddy a chance to walk me down the aisle. I just can't believe it. I never got married. And now that I'm straight, you know, I mean, I was going through all of this. So I was cleaning out some drawers one day and David had sent me the videotape of the Easter Sunday service. And so I put it on and it was like, oh, what a trip. So I put it in and it was watching it and I sat there and there we are. My mom and dad and me standing up and there I am with my arm around my daddy's arm and he's walking me up the aisle to marry my savior. So he did. He did take me up. I love Jesus Christ with all of my heart. There's nothing. There is nothing and there is no one. And trust me, people have tried to take me back to where I was, to pull me back down in the dirt. And do I visit it mentally sometimes? You know, I do, you do. I'm normal, I guess. You know, I talk with my spiritual friend Tina and you know, I tell her how I feel. I say, you know what, this, that and the others going on and she says nothing but Jesus. And she'll start praying for me, I love that. It's not like Jenny, come here. Come here, you're mine. I mean, really? So now I know what it is to be loved. And I know the differences in the love that the Bible talks about. And none of those loves, except for one, have to do with a sexual relationship. And that's Eros, which is defined as a love between a husband and a wife. Nobody else. And it's very private. It's just yours. It's not a stereo, you know, the love that the world is trying to show us today, that it's okay to experiment, it's okay to enter bisexual relationships because you were born that way. You know what? It's true, I was born homosexual. You know why? I was born a sinner. And so we're all born sinners. I was drawn to that. There are other people that are drawn to other sins, drunkenness. You know, I mean, the Bible is very clear in regards to what it says in the 1 Corinthians chapter six, if I can read that real quick. It says, do you know that the righteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Don't be deceived. Neither fornicators, idolaters, adulters, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetousness, nor drunkards, or vilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you, but you are washed. You're sanctified and you're justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the spirit of our God. You know what? That's me. A lot of my gay friends would say the Bible is just bashing homosexuals. And it's like, where? Well, right there, in what you just read. It's like, he's not centering, he's not pulling that out. And you're just, you know what I call it in my heart, I say this, you're convicted. You know, you're just convicted. You know, if you were an idolater, you'd be convicted. So it's not that God is just picking on homosexuals, he loves all of us. He died for us. He died for me. He washed away that sin, that one sin, that core, that seed, the beginning, that took me years to get rid of. It's gone. I don't want to live that way again. I will not live that way again. I won't. I want to share Jesus. One of the things that I used to say to my family is if being a Christian is being like you, I will not be one. What a meaning. And I said that for years. I was angry, very angry. And I'm going to tell you something that turned me around. I was just like finger pointing, finger pointing until finally one day. And it was April 12th, 1998, where the Lord lifted up my face towards his and said, baby, I don't want you to be like them. I want you to be like me. You know? It can be a struggle. It can be a struggle, but I can do all, all things through Christ to give me strength.