 Christmas Eve 1964. One special reindeer will go down in history for guiding Santa's sleigh through the harsh winter storm. For me though, our red-nosed protagonist will be remembered for something quite different. Today I look back on this children's classic and relive the torment, the verbal abuse, the psychological pain and anguish, and the immense pressures Rudolph would have to overcome by virtually everyone he would come into contact with. Let us roast Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer. Before we venture off to the North Pole, why don't you venture off to that subscribe button? Go ahead and hit it now as I post tons of movie roasts, movie reviews, reactions, live streams, everything, everything movie. Would love to have you stick around. All right, let's begin. This short presentation fires up with black and white articles flying at the screen. What kid wants to see this? I watched this film every couple years and it throws me every single time. Is this the right movie? Is this Rudolph? One of the papers talks about the sanitation department. I don't know what's going on over at the Daily News, but it sounds like a shitty situation. My favorite character of the presentation shows up. Presentation short for presentation, of course. Sam the snowman. He's rocking a bowler hat, a dapper vest, and a pocket watch. Oh, excuse me. Call me Sam. We're at the North Pole, aka Christmas Town. And it's known very early on that the Claus family really rules the roost here. Bit excessive with the flags, but Santa's an excessive guy. We get a glimpse into a Claus dinner, where Mrs. Claus is furious that Santa hasn't put on enough weight. Eat. Eat. Full blown skinny shaming him right out of the gates. All right, the snowman's about to rev up to the main event, which is the Rudolph storyline. However, I am completely transfixed on Sam's appearance. He's coming off like the KFC Colonel. And there's our title card. I love this section. It's cute. It's whimsical. It's very good. There's our titular character himself. Look at the little tyke. Let it be known. This is the only happiness that Rudolph's red nose reindeer will have in basically this entire film. The parents are thrilled for about five full seconds before Rudolph's nose starts blinking like a blinking beacon. How can you overlook that? Income Santa in hunting gear, I guess? I don't know what he's doing. Right away, he's put off by Rudolph's hideous nose. Great bouncing iceberg. Keep in mind, Rudolph's been on Earth for about six minutes now, and Santa's already laying into the kid grilling him about how he will never be able to fly his sleigh. Rudolph has no idea who this clown is. This old foggy comes in and starts berating him. I'm the king of jingling. All right, now we have a song. Kringle, full peacocking around the cavern, starts talking about how he's the king of jingling. Whatever the fuck that means. Come here, boy. You'll be a normal little buck just like everybody else. Rudolph's dad, Donner, is a complete dick. He feels ashamed of his son and immediately tries to bury the kid's nose in some mud. That's right, Rudolph makes his son wear black nose. As an aside, Mrs. Donner, she's looking like a full meal. We fast forward to just a few days before Christmas where a bunch of elves are literally slaving away in a workshop. The head elf, just like every other adult in this movie, is a total douchebag. Hermie! Aren't you finished painting that yet? He starts drilling into Hermie about how he's not working hard enough. Hermie, the gayest elf on the planet, doesn't like making toys. Not happy in my work, I guess. What? He's also the only normal-ish looking elf. The others look possessed. This head elf is about one step away from shooting up the entire place. He has lost his mind. Look at the people Santa has in charge of his affairs. Just before the elf foreman is about to choke a bitch, the elf whistle blows. Signaling a full 10-minute break for our elves. 10 minutes for lunch. What is going on at Santa's workshop? Not for you! Dude! The head elf just threw a hands with Hermie. I think I'd rather go to an apple sweatshop than whatever is happening here. The head elf is at a 10 all the time. Hermie starts singing a depressing three-second song and mercifully the camera cuts away back to Rudolph, whose story has to be more upbeat and chipper than this, right? Right? Wrong! Why did my parents make me watch this as a child? Don or the dick is up to his old tricks again. Smashing crud into his son's face to cover the shame. I recently rewatched Schindler's List. I think that movie's more upbeat than this. And so time passes. I love this shot where Santa's just full professional waiting for his cue to start talking like it's a live on air report. Just chilling here like we on, we on, we fucking on. Whoa! Let's talk about what's going on over with Rudolph. Silver and gold. This new little shit named Fireball introduces himself to Rudolph. I instantly hate this kid, his blonde hair, his freckles. You think you're better than me, Fireball? You think you're better than me? So apparently the elf foreman is also in charge of the festivals. He's a conductor. He leads a beautiful procession from the elf staff, really for the audience of one that's watching. Mrs. Claus is into it. Santa doesn't give two shits. Look at this bozo. He can't wait to leave. Side note, this song is absolute fire. Well, it needs work. I have to go. Santa does a mic drop, gets up, leaves the room, flips everybody off that participated in this event for him. Just a real, real classy guy here. Looks like those future 10-minute lunch breaks are going to be spent practicing harder for the next musical. Why weren't you at elf practice? Shot out of a cannon, the Chef Ramsay equivalent of an elf smashes through the door. He needs to have some words with their lead tenor who is M.I.A. Good grief! Charlie Brown called. He wants his catchphrase back. The female deers start making doe eyes with the boys, but they're immediately buck blocked by Comet. All right, all right, guys. All right now. He's the flying coach. I know this because he has a dumb hat on and a whistle. And I know he's another adult because he's about one second away from bombing an orphanage. Every adult in this is unhinged. Dasher's little boy makes a complete ass out of himself while Rudolph is playing his own reindeer games with a little filly named Clarisse. She calls him cute, which sends Rudolph over the moon, as it's the first compliment he's ever had since being born. Kringle shows up at this very moment to see the impressive display. Rudolph celebrates by getting horny with his buddy. Unfortunately, all that jostling is gonna pop that cherry nose covering right off of Rudolph. Everyone loses their minds. Comet full body spasms as eyes roll into the back of his head. Santa is disgusted again by Rudolph. Honour, you should be ashamed of yourself. Blaming Comet for the entire ordeal. How is this on Comet? I knew Fireball was a prick. I called that day one. I'm concerned Clarisse might be dead because she's got the voice of an angel. Before this relationship can even get started, Clarisse's dad comes out of nowhere, shuts this relationship down. The adults are pissed 24-7 on edge. Chips are down, Rudolph plops his ass in the snow. Almost sitting on Hermie's face, which might have been the elves' plan all along. R2 leads, prance, sing, and frolic around the snow for a while. Bottom line, they're dipshits. I mean misfits. No, I was right the first time. I'm not sure what the plan was at this point, but they decide to trudge through the snow into Nowheresville in the dead of night during a cold harsh winter storm. You know what, freezing to death still better than the alternative, which is getting screamed at 365 days a year. The next day, the real hero of the picture shows up, Yukon Cornelius. He's, um, he's not all there, but he means well. If this came out in 2023, I am 100% confident Cornelius would be mining Bitcoin. Silver and gold propaganda aside, we now have an abominable snowman chase. Mondays, am I right? Back at the Donner household, Rudolph's dad is feeling bad, I think? He's at the very least upset that Rudolph hasn't come home, so he's gonna go out and look for the kid. Mrs. Donner's eager to come with. It's 1964, dear. That's not gonna fly. Donner has like one smidgen of a second where he's a decent dad, and then boom, right into the sexism. Look at the faucet of tears coming down Mrs. Donner's face. They don't give her a name. She isn't worthy of a name. She's lesser than the men. And just to reiterate, what a snack she is. She's a snack plus extra desserts. Everyone in this movie is yelling everything. Yukon is out of his freaking gourd here. After hitting land, they're greeted to a jack-in-the-box named Charlie. Well, that is an unnatural name for a jack-in-the-box, so he's been cast here. Where's here? We're now listening to creepy toys talking about how much they suck. I don't even know what's wrong with half of them, an owl that can't fly but swims. The kid doesn't have to put you in the water. He's pretending with you, an elephant with polka dots. I see that shit at the stores. What's even wrong with the doll? I think they're all just clinically depressed. That's the bottom line. Is it because she's a redhead? I bet Hermie's looking around at all these toys and going, oh yeah, I made you, and you, and you. I'm not sure if I blacked out for a few minutes, but when I came to, we were now at a penis palace with a griffin king who is granting wishes. Let me see if I can wrap my cock around this. Mufasa lives in this massive palace where he oversees an island of crappy toys that no one wants and they can't stay in the palace with him. Why? The place looks like it can hold hundreds of toys. I'm a little nervous. Now this king wants the three Stooges to go back to Santa and ask if he can come pick up the crappy toys because the lion clearly doesn't want him on his property anymore. But all I'm thinking is you have wings and can fly. We just saw you flying around. That's way faster than our idiots getting on an iceberg and slowly drifting around. Zip over. Take an hour. Zip over to Christmas town or whatever the hell it's called. Say Santa, get your skinny ass over here and pick up these dumb toys. The Lion King eventually does permit them to stay, but just for one night. And it's not going to happen in his castle. Show our friends to their chambers. Now they're going to be going to the Sleazy Motel down the street, staying at an Airbnb for Methodics with a single bed for all three of them to share. Hermes probably loving this. Rudolph suffering from red nose guilt, so he opts to leave in the middle of the night, sneak away to fight the abominable himself. And he makes his way back home to the cave where, oh look, Santa's around. That's wonderful, says no one. Don't worry Rudolph, Santa has a few months in the chamber of shame to throw at you. He's going to blame Rudolph for Christmas essentially being cancelled. He's going to blame him for his parents and his friends worrying sick, roaming around the island looking for him. Kringle is an emotional terrorist of the highest caliber. Suddenly, just two days before Christmas Eve, the storm of all storms blows in. The newspapers warned us about this folks. Remember the black and white intro? Here we are. Rudolph attempts to take shelter in a nearby cave, only to find his friends and family fighting the abominable. Clarice is about to be eaten. Rudolph thinks fast though and quickly rams the abominable's ass, hard. He didn't even buy him dinner first. And now this is the only way he can achieve climax. After finishing, Bumble knocks Rudolph into next Christmas. At the 39 minute mark, my soul leaves my body upon hearing the evil cackle of the abominable snowman. This laugh is pure uncut nightmare fueled, matching, nay, surpassing even the scariest of horror flicks. Yukon and Hermie show up just in the saint nick of time. The two form a plan and Hermie springs into action, getting on all fours and oinking like a pig. Oddly, that had nothing to do with the plan they came up with, but it still worked all the same. Yukon says, I used to see you. Hermie, not one to shy away from an opportunity, seizes it. Nothing needs to be said here. Oh my god, he ripped out all of his teeth. I guess that also made the Bumble smaller, because he's now 50% the size he was before, which gives Yukon the advantage to start swinging at him. But oh no, they both go over the cliff! Yukon, no! He's gone! Good night, sweet prince. It's been a long day without you, my friend. The gang's all back together again. Dick Tater Elf says Hermie can open up his own dental practice, since he did such a bang-up job ripping all the teeth out of a creature. The following line is presented without context. Come here to open your mouth. Yeah, downer the dick gives the most pointless apology ever. I'm sorry to Rudolph for the way I acted. Stating that he's sorry for how he acted, what, like when, Donner, your entire life? Or just this last few minutes with Rudolph? Like, you have to be very specific, because everything you've done up until this point has been garbage. Cornelius lives! Oh my gosh, oh my god, what a miracle, what a Christmas miracle. And he's brought with him a new slave for the workshop. The Abominable now gets to put the star on top of the tree, and for the remainder of his life, we'll sit in a prison cell somewhere, getting rocks thrown at him by the fellow elves and deer. I imagine that's what they'll do, because everybody in this film are trash. Mrs. Claus is back to her old tricks. Why hasn't he left her yet? Oh, can I eat? Not that the force feedings are gonna matter at this point, there's only a few hours to go before Christmas Eve, and we're gonna need a miracle again if we're gonna salvage. What, what? That beautiful, wonderful nose! Santa is super pumped right now that Rudolph's ugly affliction that everybody has mocked the entire time, now can be a benefit to him. And so now Rudolph has value, because Santa can use him for his benefit. And Rudolph's gonna guide the slave with no training, no good guidance from anyone in his life. He's very underage, I would imagine, to pull a sleigh, but yeah, we're gonna throw him at the front, we're gonna use him because of his nose. Things are really looking up in Christmas Town. Santa, now just mere minutes later, has put on 150 pounds of fat. Mrs. Claus is an enabling piece of shit. Yukon waves goodbye before once again licking his axe. And no, that's not a euphemism. The film winds down with our misfit toys once again forgotten on their sad, miserable little rock. They perk up though when they hear the jingle-jangle of the sleigh coming their way, not realizing at the time that Santa's only doing a fly-by and he's gonna drop about five tons of napalm, decimating everything it touches. Sorry, depressing me, Elmo's. No kids for you. I'm joking, he does pick these things up, he flies around while the credits go, and then he drops them all off at Sid's house from Toy Story One. That's Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, a very, very strange flick. With wonderful animation, creative characters, a rocking set of songs, and one of the meanest, most fucked up in the head Santas that's ever graced the silver screen. And my family watches this almost every year, getting a kick out of this, but not for the reasons it probably intended at first. Or maybe it was just really ahead of its time and it's like, let's make a show that's for families, but it's about all these awful monster people and how Rudolph has to overcome them and Hermie has to overcome them. It'll be great. All right, now I wanna know your thoughts on Rudolph. Let me know if you watched her recently or if you remember it from your childhood and ran away as far as you could. Please like the video if you had some fun here. These roasts are just for fun. Obviously, this is a classic, it's iconic. The art style's so good. There's plenty of great one-liners and good music. This is all for fun. Please subscribe if you haven't. I have a lot of roasts now on the channel, plus I do reviews all the time. I have live streams, everything's movie-based, just having a good time here. All right, thanks for watching. Hope you have a good holiday and I'll see you soon.