 Mrs. Ken Carpenter saying welcome to the world premiere of the new Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman show, The Halls of Ivy, sponsored by the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company, Brewers of Schlitz, the beer that made Milwaukee famous, traditional and non-sectarian, and its age is indicated by the fact that until recently the curriculum required two years of Greek. Ivy is all American. This student body is a pretty fair cross-section of our country's youthful seekers of knowledge. Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall, PhD, LLD and MA, is president of Ivy, at least until the end of the month. His reappointment is under discussion now by the Board of Governors, now meeting in the east wing of the library. I have to cast the four o'clock train back to town. Two years to get a $20 GoPro. I hope you can make it for the weekend. Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. Gentlemen, we have one more item of business on our agenda and an important one. It concerns the reappointment of Dr. Hall as president. Hardly a matter for controversy. He's made a fine as president. He shouldn't take long. Gentlemen, gentlemen. Of course not. It seems to me as chairman of this Board that Dr. Hall's record is so eminently satisfactory that there can be no serious obstacle in the way of his confirmation. His six years of service has... Mr. Wellman? Yes. What about Mrs. Hall? Mrs. Hall is a nice as woman on the camera. Anything else to worry about? Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. What about Mrs. Hall, Mr. Wellman? Well, I have nothing against the lady personally, but it seems to me that I... I mean, Mrs. Hesse, of course, and I don't ordinarily pay much attention to student gossip. Will you please get to the point, Mr. Wellman, if there is one? There is one. To put it bluntly, there is some doubt in my mind whether a man whose wife is an ex-actress and a musical comedy actress at that is the right woman. I mean, if he is the right man to be president of a college like Ivy with a conservative tradition. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. Mr. Wellman has raised a point which, however seriously it should be taken, does have a bearing on Dr. Hall's reappointment. My personal feeling for your information is that Mrs. Hall's charm and sympathy for and with the younger element is a definite advantage to Dr. Hall's work. This is one opinion. You may hold contrary ones. But I should like to confine the discussion to a period of one-half hour. At that time, we will vote for or against reappointment. Mr. Meriwether? Mr. Chairman, I'm not an Ivy alumnus. I just happen to be a filthy, rich, old man who's dropped some fairly large sums of money on your campus. Wait a minute, Meriwether. The dignity of this college is my foot. Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. If you please, gentlemen, order please. May I remind you that appointing a president to this college is a serious matter and any pertinent discussion should also be serious. The question of Dr. Hall's fate is... Dear, must you pace back and forth like that, like a hyena in the zoo? A hyena? That's a rather rude comparison, Victoria. A hyena is a nasty animal. If we must be zoological, let me be something a little more noble. A tiger. A lion. That's what you are, the king of the beast. Well, thank you. And like a lion, you must be brave, dear. My dear woman, bravery in a college president, even in a former college president. Oh, don't say that. Oh, it could happen. But as I was saying, bravery in a college president is as superfluous virtual and practically the only virtue not absolutely required. If the governors of this college... What do you suppose they're doing at their wretched board meeting playing parts? Easy. Temper, toddy, temper. Successful college presidents never lose their temper. I know. And will you please try not to call me toddy? Even in these sacred precincts. Someday you'll use it in front of some eager young beaver in the School of Journalism. And three weeks later they'll find me at my desk with a hole in my head and a smoking pistol in my hand. I'll try, dear. I know what the cheerleaders will do with it, too. Tell me, how did they notify you that you ought to be booked for another term? Booked is hardly the word, Victoria. I am not a juggling act. Well, we all have our professional phrases, dear. Sometimes... Well, here it is. Te mori turi salutami. What does that mean? It means, here's mud in your eye from we who are about to be reappointed or not. Lattice. Well, let's get it over with. I'll let them in. You'll be busily reading your fan mail or something. Hello, Mrs. Hall. Gee, I'm glad you're home. Can you give me a few minutes? Well, frankly, Pushy, it is rather an awkward time. Who was the trouble? Oh, it's that walls clog I'm doing in the junior follies. I can't seem to remember it. Would you brush me up a little? Ask them in, Victoria. Yes, yes. Come in, Pushy. It's Pushy Morgan. Gee, I'm sorry to bother you all the time, Mrs. Hall, but the way you explain things are clear as crystal. And when I get up at rehearsal, I just... Oh, hello, Dr. Hall. And hello, Morgan. Did you bring a message from the Board of Governors? No, sir, I don't. No. I've been trying to teach him a dance for the junior follies. William, a walls clog, he wants to brush up a bit. Really? Now? Yes, sir. Well, pull that rug aside, Pushy, while I put a record on. What are we using? Oh, the sidewalks of New York. Remember? Am I in the way? Oh, sure. It is not, dear. Just stand over there by the piano. Pushy has an unfortunate habit of flinging his feet sideways. It makes for a very loose line in the chorus. Now, watch. Train yourself. This economical movement. Move the shoulders as little as possible. Now, try it. Gee, it sure looks easy when you do it. Well, OK. Stop the music, will you please, William? Gladly. Let me say, Morgan, I don't think you do too badly. Well, thank you, sir. I know I'm no Fred Astaire, but Mrs. Hall is a wonderful teacher. What was I doing wrong, Mrs. Hall? Well, your balance is all wrong, Pushy. Watch how I shift my weight. Now, here's what you're doing. Oh, I think I see what you mean. Look, look, more like this, huh? Try to think of your upper body and arms wrapped up like a mummy. Be tight. Oh, I get it. I think I know now. Oh, thanks, Mrs. Hall. This is going to be the best show we ever had, doctor. I'm looking forward to seeing it, Morgan. Are you one of the leads? He is the lead, William. He sings even better than he dances. Oh, I'd better. This whole thing scares me to death. When I think of opening night and me doing the walls clogged in front of all those people, gee, I'd almost rather be back in Okinawa. Almost, that is. Okinawa? Were you...? Yes, yes, you are, dear. Now, you keep practicing, Pushy, and we'll get to work on that third-act scene real after tomorrow. Okay, and thanks a lot, Mrs. Hall. With you helping us, this thing is really in the bag. Bye, doctor. Good day, Morgan. I'm going to be wrapped up like a mummy. I'm sorry I interrupted your question, Toddy, but Pushy doesn't talk much about his war experience. He has the middle of honor, purple heart, silver star, and a few other things, you know. No, I didn't know. I'm glad to hear about it. I'm inclined to lose sight of the fact that these are not all youngsters under my care. When I... Oh, here, here, let me help. Pull the rug over a bit, will you, dear? Over here? A little bit more. That's it. Now, what were you saying? Uh, what was I... Oh, yes, yes, this... this reappointment. You do want to be reappointed, don't you, Toddy? I mean, William. Yes, I do. And largely on account of boys like Pushy Morgan, when I address the student body or any part of it, I can see how the world has moved since I went to college myself. In my day, we went to college for fun and to fill in a few years between high school and making a living. Some of these young, old men have already lived more than I ever will. And even the inevitable few who are here to avoid work are affected in spite of themselves by the veterans and the ones who are playing for keeps. Yeah, that's why I like my job more than I ever did. And that's why I wish those... those... What time is it? Yes, 3.37. How did you say you'd be notified? I've only been reappointed once, you know, so the procedure is not exactly traditional. On that occasion, I was notified in person by two members of the board. Mary Weather, whom I like and admire, and Mr. Wellman, who is, in my considered opinion, a stinker. Is there any doubt in your mind that you will be reappointed? I'd be an idiot to take it for granted. Reappointment means a salary increase. Oh, Charlie, how wonderful. And a salary increase naturally brings out the watchdog instincts of the conservative members. You mean that some of them would actually fire their president just to save a few miserable dollars? Vicki, I love you very deeply, but you are shamefully ignorant of some of life's basic facts. I know, dear, but... The board of governors is made up largely of wealthy men, retired industrialists, philanthropists. dissimilar as they are, they have one trait in common. None of them sees anything miserable about a dollar. Furthermore... Telephone, dear. Charlie, aren't you going to answer it? Let it ring. But, darling, the governors... The governors are hard to take. Let me play hard to get. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. In just a moment, we'll return to the halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. There's just time now for you to hear how one man learned something very interesting. Here are his own words. My story is about a neighbor who isn't a neighbor and a front porch that's really a penthouse and how I first came to taste Schlitz beer. You see, every night I sit out in my terrace and watch the stars blink, just like I used to from my front porch back home, but it isn't the same because, although my next door neighbor sits on his terrace, just three feet in a flower box away, we never speak. I know that he lounges in an old tweed jacket and has a hard time keeping his pipe lit and turns to the sports page first, but I don't even know his name. Yet I owe him a great deal of pleasure. You see, every night I used to watch him come out with a huge sandwich and a bottle of beer, and every time he sifted that beer, there was always the same expression on his face, complete satisfaction. So I made a point of looking at the label every time, and it was always Schlitz. Well, I couldn't help wondering what there was about a beer and it looked so pleased every time he tasted it. I bought some Schlitz, and I found out all right. Now we sit there just three feet away, both with our bottles of Schlitz, both with that same please look on our faces. No wonder they call Schlitz the beer that made Milwaukee famous. Pardon me. There's the telephone again, William. That's the third call. I think you've taught them a lesson. Oh, very well. Dr. Hall's residence. Oh, yes. Yes. Bad news, you say. Well, frankly, I rather expected it. Well, thank you for calling. Yes, as soon as I can. Goodbye. Sorry, dear. Well, it can't be helped. I suppose I was lucky to get the one I really wanted. What do you mean? What did they say? Well, they said they just got the copy of Wiener's book and the cybernetics I ordered. Two of the others I wanted to rather print. The governor said that? No, no, no. The campus bookshop. Remind me to pick... Oh, you thought... I thought they'd let you go. You know, it wouldn't be so terrible, would it? It could take a nice long vacation. Could you use another adjective? Well, such as brief or enjoyable You wouldn't be out of work very long, darling. You're a good college president. You're the best college president I know. Thank you. But I'm afraid your limited experience... Was that the phone? Was what the phone, dear? I thought I heard the phone. What time is it? It's four minutes to four. Get your coat and let's go for a walk. But, Toddy, that William, what is the Board of Governors? I think they should call while we're out. Let them find me. One of the janitors on Fraternity Row has a bloodhound. They can track me down. We can't do it, will you? We can't meet rudeness with rudeness. No. All right, as usual. My father used to say that the real test of manners was being able to meet bad ones with good ones. But what the devil do they find to discuss all the afternoon? I'll bet Wellman has something to do with this. Mr. Wellman the stinker. Mr. Wellman the revolving stinker. He's a stinker any way you look at it. That's exactly what does a frequent Mr. Wellman do for a living. Now my personal opinion is that he waylays little children on their way to the candy store. And steals their pennies. But according to various other sources of information, he is a soup magnet. Soup? Soup. I suspect that his grandmother was a witch and invented a broth which became a family recipe. I'm afraid to eat any. And I turn into a frog. And I can't swim. Don't be busy there. After all, you don't have to have this job. No, we could hitchhike out to California and pick fruits. Do ladders make you nervous? No, not at all. Do you remember Lulu's mad moment? No, of course you don't. It just played for three nights. But I was Lulu. And I spent most of the second act on a ladder bringing in terminable choruses of all old art and open land. Sounds like a resounding success. There's more mistakes. The physics, however. Well, it's about time. Now, shall I accept the reappointment or shall we pick a pickup? Oh, just stay hard to get for 10 or 15 seconds here gracefully. And Dr. Hall's residence? Yes? Oh, well, it's quite all right. Not at all. Goodbye. Wrong number. What time is it? Two minutes after four. And stop pacing, Toddy. Remember, I don't mind ladders. Very well. Lulu, may I call you Lulu? It would be a little presumptuous. You never saw me as Lulu, but I'd like to marry and give them tears in London. That's all many, any man could ask. Give them tears. I'd love to play it again. It was a lovely play, wasn't it, darling? If you do it again, I'd like to play the vicar. I could do it, you know. I saw it 27 times. And you bought your own tickets on a professor's salary. My sabbatical year turned out to be a theatrical five months. You were very kind to the visiting American, Vicki. The visiting American was very refreshing, Toddy. It was fun. Teaching you how many stillings in a pound. How to eat fish and chips. And I must walk. Had you noticed me in the audience? Ever? I mean, before... Oh, my dear. I saw you every time after the first one. And then, the night my maid told me that we were together. Miss, there's a Mr. All wants to see you. A yank of a look of him. What did he want, Penny? I don't know, he didn't say, but he's a pleasant, spoken man and nice looking. None of the ordinary runner-back stages. Oh, ah, I see everything. Miss Cromwell, I realize this is perhaps an imposition. But I'm leaving for the United States in a few days. And I felt I must tell you something. Yes, Mr. Hall. Oh, is it Professor Hall? Oh, Doctor Hall. No, it doesn't matter. What does matter is that I am not ordinarily much of a theater girl, but I have seen you in this very beautiful play 26 times. And I'd feel that I had been lacking in simple courtesy, had I not told you in person how much genuine pleasure you have given me. The hours I have spent watching you will be a memory which I shall treasure the rest of my somewhat dull life. I am most grateful. Oh, Mr. Hall, I... This is really a... Penny, go away. Oh, yes, Miss. Please sit down, Mr. Hall. Thank you, but... Well, I've been told this is a rather inconvenient time to visit backstage. My ignorance of theatrical procedures... No, ignorance of the rules, Mr. Hall, is rather refreshing. And you don't want an autographed photo or endorsement of some brand of petrol or to discuss a tentative new motion picture over a late supper. No, no, none of these things. Now, I merely wish to say thank you. I might also say that dressing room views of one's favorite actress are popularly supposed to be disillusioning. I'm always glad to help kick a superstition in the head. Oh, well, I'm glad I'm your favorite actress, Mr. Hall. You're becoming my favorite audience. Tell me, why did you wait so long to come and tell me all these nice things? Well, I, um... I, frankly, I hadn't the courage until tonight. And the thought of going home without hearing you speak to me in person was simply intolerable. So thank you once more, and... No, don't go, Mr. Hall. Sit down again. I want to talk to some more by anyone who thinks as highly of me as you do and say so, so beautifully. It's to me, it's very singulating conversation. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes. Miss Cromwell, I, um... I wouldn't have mentioned this, but inasmuch as you have introduced me to something... How would you like it inscribed, Mr. Hall? Oh, just say something like with kindness regards. How did you know what I meant? I think because I wanted you to want a picture of me. Oh, good heavens, I'm sorry. I'm overstate. What was that, curtain time? Overture? Darling, it's the doorbell. W-W-What? What? I didn't... Honey, darling. Will gathering. Yes, I guess I was. And dozens of wool make a lovely comforter. What are you talking about? No, it doesn't matter, darling. Excuse me, I'll see who's at the door. Mr. Merriweather, Mr. Wellman. We were just debating about taking a walk. Another ten minutes, and we'd probably have been done. Um, Victoria, I think you know Mr. Merriweather. Yes, indeed. I do. Good afternoon, Mr. Merriweather. Hey, Mrs. Hall, I'm glad to see you. Back, I'm all... Excuse me, Mr. Merriweather, but I'm afraid Mrs. Hall hasn't met Mr. Wellman. Um, Victoria, may I introduce Mr. Talence Wellman? How do you do, Mr. Wellman? Uh, Mrs. Hall, we haven't met before. Uh, formal. And I remember you from, uh, 1934, I think. In England, Golders Green, in Lulu's Mad Moments. Was that the one where I'd say the witch growing a wicked broth which turned men into frogs? No, dear, no, no, no, no. Uh, Lulu's Mad Moments was where you spent most of the second act on a ladder, remember? Uh, that was it, the ladder. I'll have to admit, Mrs. Hall, that you were, uh, interesting. But that pledge, how long did it run? Run, Mr. Wellman, is much too vigorous a word. It toppled for three days and fell down dead. You do have the fortune, good or bad, to see Lulu's Mad Moments, Mr. Merriweather? No, I didn't, Mrs. Hall. But I saw give them tears five times in New York. God, ma'am, if I'd been a couple of hundred years younger and hadn't had a wife who understood me, you'd have found me at the stage door every night with a bunch of emeralds in my hot little hands. Um, I, um, I don't like to intrude on your memoirs, gentlemen. But could I serve you any refreshments? You mean tea, Dr. Hall? No, Mr. Wellman, I didn't mean tea. Although tea is available if you care for it this late in the afternoon. Personally, I'm a temperance man, Doctor. I am seldom seen reeling across the campus myself, Mr. Wellman. May I get you something, Vicky? No, thank you, William. Apologies for keeping you waiting, Doctor. Waiting for what, Mr. Merriweather? Waiting for what? Don't you realize today is the deadline for your reappointment as President of Ivy, Doctor Hall? Oh, gracious, Vicky. William, did you hear? Yes, I did. Well, I knew you weren't the type to screw around about it, Hall. Right, everyone for President of Ivy always said so. Well, as you're the committee, tell the man. Dr. Hall, I have been requested by the Board of Governors to inform you of your reappointment as President of Ivy College for a further term of five years. We've got more money, too, sir. I'm the committee of one! For a further term of five years, Doctor, with an increase in stipends of $2,500. Thank you, Mr. Wellman. Does this mean, William, that we can't go to California? Um, I'm afraid so, dear. If we possibly, possibly on our vacation, we can pick an orange. Oh, much you go, gentlemen. Yes, got to get home, Doctor. Come on, Clarence. Uh, night, Doctor, and congratulations to you and to the college. Thank you. Thank you. Night, Mrs. Hall. Good night. And, uh, thanks for being so kind and patient with my nephew. Your nephew? Pushy Morgan. Stumble bum. Hey, you taught him how to know his left foot from his right. He's crazy about you. So am I. Come on, Wellman, what are you stalling around for? Good night, Doctor. Good night, Mr. Hallman. Good night. Good night. Congratulations, Doctor. Thank you, Lulu. You may come down from the ladder now. Oh, what an afternoon. I promise you I won't go through that again. Won't you, Daddy? Five years isn't long. Next time I'll be ready for them. I'll be quick to laugh at them if you'll help me. Well, of course, dear. Look, Vicki, uh, teach me that waltz plug. I think I might have a flair for that sort of thing. Now watch. Isn't it this the way? No, no, no, no. Look, Daddy. Like this. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. And here again, our Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Thank you. Good night, everyone. Speak at this time at the Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. The other players are Herbert Rawlingson, Herbert Butterfield, Willard Waterman, Gloria Gordon, and Lee Malan. The Halls of Ivy was created by Don Quinn, directed by Matt Wolfe, and presented by the Joseph Schlitz growing company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Ken Popp and his speakers. Next, here we, the people over most of these same MBU stations.