 Hello, folks. Sorry about the delay. We were having some real technical difficulties. PowerPoint is not playing well with others today. And so we're not able to pull Clarissa's fabulous PowerPoint up on the screen. So you're gonna have to use your imagination and yes, we will send you a link to the PowerPoint after this. And as a matter of fact, we may just re-record the whole thing and send it out to you because I think that would be a really good idea. In the meantime, please have some patience as Clarissa is going to look at her PowerPoint on the screen in front of her and try to recreate all of that magic for you with, you know, this is how we do it. It's plan C, I think at this point. And the title of Clarissa's presentation is you don't have to hug everybody talking to your child about sexual abuse. Clarissa Zamora is the Business Development Manager of San Antonio Behavioral Healthcare Hospital. Clarissa, they're forebearing with you. They're forebearing. Oh, thank you. So I can't see anybody's comments. So I look forward to seeing what you may have to say. If you already know me, you know that sitting down behind a computer is not how I like to present. But I wanna make sure that you get some good information. And I love voices for children. I love their mission. I love everything that they do to help early educators. And I hope you take away some tools for your toolbox. You know, that's my kind of my logo. But I can tell you, I've got my coffee right here and may the force be with us as we try to get through this training with no PowerPoint. And so please, if you can, just kind of deal with me. And hopefully I am gonna keep it lively and even though this is a difficult subject to talk about, open up your hearts and your minds and try to take in what we are about to talk about. I know that the prior session probably was about the other types of child abuse and it probably weighed heavy on you. And so keep in mind that it takes a village to protect our children. Just like it takes a village to raise our children, it takes a village to protect our children. And so stay focused with me, stay in the game and let's try to work through this. So when we're talking about child sexual abuse, I'm just gonna give you the definition. That's any sexual act between an adult and a minor or between two minors when one exerts power over another. So there can be contact and there cannot be contact and it can still be considered child sexual abuse. So contact, what does that mean? That could be fondling. That could be rape or attempted rape. That could be forced prostitution, obtaining sexual gratification from witnessing that child maybe spanked themselves or causing some type of harm to themselves where that person kind of goes ooh la la and they get sexual gratification by witnessing that. Now non-contact, what do we mean by that? So that's more exhibitionism, exposure to pornography, voyeurism and communicating in a sexual manner via the phone or internet. So right now, social media, ooh, I can't even tell you, especially during this pandemic, our children are more and more on their electronic devices. And so some of these programs such as TikTok, Snapchat, Tinder, Ask FM, I can continue with more apps where you need to be wary of that. Even games such as Fortnite, which is about to have their explosion, the bomb is about to go off if you follow Fortnite. That's all my teenagers are talking about right now is the bomb and how it was supposed to go off last night, but now it's been moved. Anyway, sorry. I tend to have score moments and so I can go off on tangents. I'm sorry. So anyway, please pay attention to what your child's doing online on social media. And at the same time, even for our little ones, YouTube kids, plenty of kids are on there as well. And so be wary of what you're doing. Crossy roads, all these games that are around. We wanna pay attention to. We know that 70% of reported sexual assaults happen to children 17 or older. And so that's a scary number when we're looking at it. What are the general signs that we may see when we're talking about sexual abuse of children? And so you may start seeing your child regress and behaviors that they normally had. So if they normally had already been potty trained, now they may regress to bedwetting again. You can see them, the fear of going to someone's home or the fear of being home, not wanting to go out. The changes in eating habits, changes in sleeping patterns. You may see changes in their school performance when they were happy and bubbly with certain individuals and now they're more standoffish. Well, but you used to go into your uncle Charlie's house, you know, what's the matter? These are kind of things that we may see. But the most common thing that we do know is that the most common effect that we do see that's exhibited is sexually acting out. So sexualized behavior is the most consistent indicator of sexual abuse. So you may see this child sexually acting out in ways that you may see this child with two stuffed animals and they're mimicking the humping of the two animals. And so you kind of go, hmm, course, common question would be, where did they learn this from? That is a good kind of question. Where did you learn that from? And we don't want to ask it in a harsh way. Where did you learn that from? But we really do want to kind of go, hmm, that's interesting. Where did you learn that? And start these conversations of, you know, really what may be going on. In the PowerPoint, if you had it, I would want you to start seeing an image if you can. If you have a pen and paper with you, do this for me real quick, since I don't have the PowerPoint for you to see. I want you to write the name of a child who is near and dear to you right now. That could be your own child, your grandchild, your niece, your nephew. Maybe you have a friend and their children are very close to you. Write down one child's name, please. Now, I want you to think of that child. I want you to get that visualization in your head. Now, I want you to think of an adult. And this adult is someone who you love and you care deeply about. And I want you, that could be your wife, that could be your husband, your boyfriend, your mother, your father, your sister, your cousin. And I want you to think of them, write down a name. So if I had to think of a name, I would say Marcus, who is my son. And I think if I had to think of an adult's name, the first person to come to mind would be my mother. And so, Dora, that's what we call her for sure. Now, I want you to look at the name of the child and I want you to look at the name of the adult that you just thought about or that you wrote down. Now, pretend I'm a child protective service worker. And I come to you and I say that the child's name, so for instance, remember I use Marcus. Mrs. Moore, I just want you to know that Marcus just made an outcry that your mother, you've prefilled it with the person of the name that you wrote down, has been sexually abusing your son. Wow. Tell me your thoughts, your emotions. I know I can't see them. But in your head, think of every emotion that could possibly go to your head. I can tell you as if this were to happen to me, I'd be like, what? What do you mean? Now, my mom, you don't know my mom. You've never really met my mom. What? Can I talk to Marcus? Let me talk to Marcus. Hold on, there must be a misunderstanding here. I can go through so many answers and comments that I would go out with and that you probably could have about, wait a minute, no. This is not possible, huh? Come on. In my PowerPoint, there's a picture of Monique. Monique played as an actress and she played in the movie Precious. And Monique is on the Oprah Winfrey show or she's actually doing an interview for O Channel. And she admits that at around age seven, her brother started sexually abusing her and he was 11 at the time. Now, he admits that he had started using cocaine and later on we find out that he himself had been sexually abused. But when Monique, when this started happening to her, she went to her mom and she told her mom, mom, you know, Gerald's doing this to me. And her mom went, what? And she called her son in and she goes, Gerald, are you doing what Monique said? And he goes, no, I'm not. She looked at Monique and she said, stop your lying and made her go about her way. And Monique said at that moment in time, she didn't feel validated, she didn't feel trusted. And she said her feelings for her parents right away were like, you're supposed to protect me. Now what ends up happening in her story is quite unique because Gerald, her brother, ends up going to prison for sexually abusing someone else. When the whole old story started, Oprah asked her parents who were in the audience, what are your thoughts? And her father said this quote. She says, he said, you think of behaviors like this and you accord them to other people and other families. When it comes to your doorstep, well, for myself, there was a total state of confusion. I didn't know what to do. Now you may say, Closet, that's kind of harsh. This was a brother, that was her brother. Does it often happen like that? 90% of the time, a victim and an offender know themselves. The offender is gonna be someone they know, they don't trust in them. And we know already that it is hard for that non-offending parent. So it is hard for that parent to go, wait, let me take this all in. Many of them don't believe the outcry. So no report is ever made. There's confusion as to who to believe. Because remember, one of my comments was, wait, let me talk to my mom or let me talk to Marcus because I think there's an misunderstanding, right? Or they're completely devastated by the inability to have prevented it or to protect their child. Because there are some that are just like, what? No way, blah, blah, blah, we need actions to do it, right? And then there's many that still kind of may like, because they have feelings for this other individual, the offender, there's feelings of doubt. Like, if this child just, if my child really telling the truth, and you may say, well, I would always believe my child. First and foremost, every situation is different and hard. And I believe that we should believe the child. But I also know that the doubts that you have and the reason I made you go through that example, was so that you could really understand just how difficult it can be to get hit with something so real and just to have to gather your thoughts and then take the appropriate action. So our victims, please understand, that they could be of, you know, female, male, any age, any socioeconomic background, they could be any ethnicity. It doesn't turn a blind eye. It doesn't matter from what neighborhood you're from. It doesn't matter the color of your skin. All children are at risk to being a victim. Just some basic stats. We know that one in four girls will be victimized before their 18th birthday and one in six boys before their 18th birthday. And these are facts that are taken from adults. So adults who have come forward and said, this happened to me when I was a child. We know that one in four and one in six. The crazy thing, one in five kids will be solicited online. So when I tell you about watching out for program, watching out for social media, this is why. And so really now with the pandemic going, it tends to be that social media is something that a lot of kids are using. And so please be wary of that to just kind of monitor your kids, have those candid conversations of, never share your full name, never share where you live. That's how they're gonna start getting information for you. And really kind of, we're gonna talk in a little bit more about that grooming process that an offender can use. So we know that the median age, excuse me, most victims is nine years old. And we know that the highest vulnerability is between the age of seven and 13. And so please be wary of that. I already told you that 90% of the time it's someone they know, trust and love. 30 to 60% of that is usually because it's a family member. Let that sink in. 30 to 60% of the time it's a family member. So for us to be teaching stranger danger, yes, that is very important as well, but we also need to understand that this is really close to home. And so we know that 40% of those are abused by older, older children. And so that also is something that we need to be wary of, especially as we start, are more and more isolated within our families and who we are with. The scary truth is, if you wanna break it down even more, there you go. Every nine minutes a child is being sexually assaulted in the United States. Every nine minutes. That's a lot to handle. And I'm sure when you've heard the child abuse stats earlier about physical abuse, emotional abuse and neglect, we understand that the child abuse is a real issue and why we must be vigilant as in protecting. And so when I say vigilant, I mean having these difficult, hard conversations with our kiddos from young children and letting them know about their body is special and not everybody gets to touch it. Your body is yours. You are in control of that. And having these candid conversations of, it's not okay for others to touch your private parts for giving and using real names for the correct names for our private parts. And so we're gonna keep talking about this. Now, how is sexual abuse confusing to their victims? We know now that the abuser is someone they know, trust and love. We know that abuse is wrong, but sometimes that abuse feels good and they don't know how to process those feelings. The child doesn't like the abuse, but they like the aspects of the relationship and what they're getting out of it. When we start talking about the booming process, we'll really start paying attention to the things that they can start receiving. And that that abuser itself may be providing for the family in certain ways that it makes it hard like maybe they're paying half of mom's rent or a car payment or something that financial security may make it hard for that child to understand, well, he is providing or she is providing for us. It makes it difficult. What makes the risk factors for victimization? What is it that we can, that we know and that we see? We can look at, when we look at cases, we can see poor parent-child attachments, step-parents or extended family or friends living in the home. And if you really want me to bring that home, let me tell you how important family structure is when it becomes a risk factor for child sexual abuse. Children who live, and forgive me for reading my comment right now, but children who live with two married biological children are at low risk for abuse. The risk increases when children live with step-parents or a single parent and you're like, what, wait a minute, low down, let me just, let me finish this sentence first. Children living without either parent, so when we look at for foster children, they are 10 tons more likely to be sexually abused than children that live with both biological parents. Children who live with a single parent that has a live-in partner are at the highest risk as they are 20 times more likely to become victims of child sexual abuse, that's big, that's huge. And so being a single parent is not a bad thing, okay? The easiest way for me to say this, and I say this about physical abuse as well, all right? We already know that when a child is being taken care of by boyfriend, girlfriend, just because they say they love you doesn't mean that they can care for your children. The same interest happens with sexual abuse. It doesn't mean that it's okay for them to care for your children. And so just please remember that. If you're a single parent, kudos to you for taking the job on a both in both parents. So please don't beat yourself up with that one comment, but also make sure that the way to prepare is to talk to your children and to let them know that it's not okay to have secrets where someone's maybe touching your body and telling you not to tell mom and your daddy. These are things, these candid conversations are where we have to go to ensure the safety of our children, okay? So if you would have been in my PowerPoint, you'd be seeing a picture of Medea right now. We all hopefully have heard of Medea or have seen some of her movies. And we know that Medea, the actual actor is Tyler Perry. And when we're looking at child sexual abuse, at the age of five, Tyler Perry was sexually abused by his neighbor, then by a male nurse at the hospital, and then by a man from his church and finally a friend of his mother. So he had been a victim of sexual abuse by mini perpetrator. And so the neighborhood knew that his mother and father were having problems, that there was physical abuse, verbal abuse, and that there was alcohol in place. And Tyler says, I was a perfect kind of candidate. Perpetrators were looking at me and going, yeah, he doesn't want to be home. So let me, you know, let me invite him and give him attention and give him what he needs and take advantage of him. And so understand that many of these perpetrators, they kind of take on, they're not just going, oh, whom am I gonna pick, teeny, meeny, miny, moe? No, they're actually doing their homework. And that's the scary part. They are actually looking at it in talking. There was once, the best way that I can say it, there was once an offender that said, convicted offender that said, if you don't want to show your kid's affection, don't worry, I'll do it. If you don't want to call them special and treat them special, don't worry, I'll take it. And if you don't want to listen to your kids, because you're too busy with work and everything else that's going on with this pandemic, don't worry, I got that all covered. They're mine, I'll make them mine. And I'm gonna have a very good time doing it. Now in your mind right now, you're probably going, she is disgusting. She just gave me the crease. I've got chill bumps. Good, because you know what? That is reality. That is what's happening every day in this world. And with social media, it's happening even worse. These perpetrators are actually luring our kids out. I can't tell you how many times I watch the news and I'll see where a young lady or a young man is missing because they were lured by someone on a social media app out. I can't tell you my younger kiddos who are suffering because mom and dad are so busy worried about work, they're so busy worrying about the home that yes, this child is seen as a perfect target. And so please, I am very passionate in case you didn't know about this. I'm a very passionate and strong advocate for protecting our kiddos. So this typical sex offender, let me tell you a little bit more about them. It could be a man, it could be a woman, they could be married, they could be single, they could be a coach, they could be a teacher, they could be a clergyman, they could be your cousin, they could be your grandparents. They could be someone that you would think would never do something to a child. Never hurt them. They are very good con artists. They're more likely to have stable employment, be working, be respected in the community and well-liked. It could be anyone. Now, if I were to ask you, what is your version in your head or the picture in your head of a sexual offender? You may think this ugly guy or tattooed man that looks like an orange jumpsuit in prison or something. But it could be a teacher, a coach. And that's the scary part. That myth that, oh, these kids don't know them. Oh, no, they do. The average age of offending for a sexual offender is usually at the age of 12. The average age when they're first caught is between 24 and 26 years old. They pay attention to their child's likes. They pay attention to routines. They pay attention to dislikes. They pay attention to the family and how they interact. They present an appearance that they are someone that you can rely on to take care of your child that you could trust. They begin by maybe buying gifts for the kids, letting them know that they did something well. Oh, you look like you were having a hard day, so I wanted to get you this. They may isolate that child by involving them in fun activities. They may say, you know what? You and John have so much to do. Let me take, and forgive me if I just made names that is your name. Let me get, let me take Stacy and forgive me if that's your child's name. Well, let me take Stacy for an ice cream and just give you guys some breathing room to just handle it. And you're like, really? Oh yeah, yeah, no problem. Oh my gosh, that would be such great help. No problem, you do that, okay? Those are the way they start. They start paying attention to you. Oh, okay, mom and dad can't afford to really pay attention. So let me offer this. And then they start doing things. It may take some time, but they may actually do some things in front of you as just like a, let me see if they're paying attention. So you may be standing there having a conversation and they put their arm around your child and you're talking and you laugh at something and all of a sudden maybe their hand slips and accidentally touches the child's breast. And they are actually going to pay attention to the fact of, did they pay attention to that? What did they do? As a mom, I'd be the first thing that was like, okay, that's not okay. And watch it. And if they know that I caught that, then it's like, okay, yeah, they're a little bit more observant than I did. But if they saw it and I kind of went, oh, I just got to let it go. Little bit like, okay, she's not taking it that hard. All right, this could be good. And they start processing things and finding out where they're going to go with it. Okay. Hang in there for a second. Did they get caught? I'm just interrupting for one second. We have a bunch of questions that I want you to answer. And I'm sorry, it's Charlotte Ann. Oh my gosh. It's okay, it's okay. We're going to let you go long because we started late, but we have a bunch of really good questions and it looks like people are really anxious to get some answers to them. So are you ready for some questions? Okay. Okay. Yes, I'm taking some coffee. Okay. So as a parent, how as a parent can you get that trust back? Is it possible or the child will never trust anybody again? So that is a loaded question. And the reason I mean it by that is the fact that every child is different. And so if the offense has already happened, can the trust be earned back? That is where I would say counseling is important. A child can't feel alone. And we know usually a child is built on internal factors meaning how they handle and cope with life and then external factors, which is their outside community, their family, their school. And so getting them some help first off with some counseling. Yes, I do believe that that can help. And it is a process where there's individual therapy and family therapy to help build that trust back. I hope that helps. Okay. Another question that a lot of people want answered is when it comes to family members with traditional family norms, hugs and kisses, how can we keep them from feeling rejection when we allow our child to wave from afar? Woo! Okay. In case you didn't know, I'm a beautiful fluffy unicorn, but I'm a Hispanic unicorn. So I definitely know what that is like. When I went to my family and I had a big family of six aunts and uncles, I remember my mom would count the number of red marks just once I had on my cheek to see if I had gone and hugged all my ears and heels. And I do believe, and in my PowerPoint, we're gonna make sure that everyone gets that PowerPoint. In my PowerPoint, there is actually a whole section where we've talked about how do we talk to our family members and how do we talk to our kids to prepare them for that uncomfortable situation of what to do. So kind of go through scenarios with your kiddos before you get to the big event. So for me, Thanksgiving is huge. And I remember talking to Marcus and Bella saying, you know, you may not wanna hug everyone and that's okay, but how about we give out high fives or how about we give out handshakes? And that's where we can feel comfortable. My daughter, Bella, she's not really a hugger, never has been. And so for her, sometimes she was assigned the task of Bella, I need you to help set up the table. I need you to take the jackets when people come in and put them in another room. And that kind of gave her a task that would take her away from that, get up from the couch and hug everybody that comes in. And at moments and times, I had to have the candy conversation with my family members that it's nothing personal. That there is a reason why I tell Marcus and Bella, they can give high fives or thumbs or handshakes or they can just say, no, thank you. And that's a point in time in that difficult situation of just saying you just gotta deal with it. Hope that helps. Terrific. So someone asks, when you're talking about Fortnite, were there specific things to look for on Fortnite or what were you referring to with Fortnite? So please understand with Fortnite, here's one of the things when I teach about social media and the scares that we need to look out for and the apps that we need to look out for. With Fortnite, understanding that if you had your child with you right there next to you and you walked into over a million people out right in front of you, would you just tell your child, go talk with anybody, it's okay. You'd be like, no, that's not okay. Technically that's what they're doing when they're playing a video game, especially like Fortnite, they are talking and dealing with millions of folks and interacting with them at all points and times about that. So here's what I need you to know about Fortnite. You need to have that conversation with your kid that it's not okay to share a lot of information about themselves. It's not okay to, you know, if someone actually is chatting with you and they're like, hey, where are you from? You may think it's so simple to just say San Antonio, Texas. But if that person goes, San Antonio, really? That's where I'm from. And that person, you go back going, really? Well, yeah. Hey, where do you live in San Antonio? Well, I live on Bron path. Really? I live on Bron, Florida. And then you start this conversation and they think it's all natural and okay. But in fact, this individual is really gaining some more information about your child's whereabouts. So having that conversation of, you know, when you're having a conversation about chatting about what you're going to do, be careful. Also know that, you know, as they continue to buy things on Fortnite and get with things at Fortnite, it's mostly about that communications they're exchanging with other individuals and sharing information. But they also need to have that conversation that if at any point in time someone starts talking sexually with you or they start asking, do you have a problem talking with a 40 year old that you realize that you tell mommy and daddy right away that you let us know because we need to put a stop to that. And so it's about building that close conversation. Hope that helps. So there's another question about children with cognitive disabilities and who have been perpetrators of sexual abuse. Is there, can you talk about that? The question is kind of worded differently than that but I think it is an open-ended question to perpetrators with cognitive disabilities. Sure, and we do know that oftentimes that that is gonna, that can happen in a first. And so what we do need to know and be able to do is to acknowledge that the one-on-one, because we know most of the abuse that happens happens with one child, one adult or one child, one older child situations. And so I like to call them safe zones. So to make sure that you never leave your child alone with this one child, one adult kind of inner situation. So it could be anything in a daycare setting. Make sure that you guys are witnessing any kind of hotspots in your area where a one adult and one child could be alone. Same thing in your home. If you have an older child and may have these disabilities then also pay attention to that too. That you look for the hotspots in your home as well. So allowing these and minimizing, not allowing but minimizing the one adult, one child interactions or one older child with a younger child interactions try to minimize those as much as possible. I hope that helps. Right, regardless of who it is it's just minimizing the one-on-ones. Correct, okay. And this is a broad question that folks are interested in. How can we educate our kids to watch for abuse and educate parents, especially with Hispanics there's this cultural stigma with talking about personal subjects like these. Yeah, I'll give you a wonderful website that I encourage everyone to go to. So it's called themamabeareffect.org. So if you type in themamabeareffect.org altogether wonderful tools, wonderful website on color pages, on posters, on information that you can use on how to talk to your child early on about their body safety rules. So if you would have been seeing my PowerPoint you would have seen a handout for the five body safety rules that every child should know by the age of five. And it's kind of a nice little guideline and roadmap for you to know. One, teach your child that my body is mine. Two, teach them their private parts. Let them know this is called your penis this is your vagina and use those proper terms and that no one should be touching those without your permission, okay? The other thing is understand that they have a body safety circle. So help your child find two to five family members or friends that they could trust if someone were to violate your body safety rules and be able to get them to talk. And so that website is one of a great thing. NetSmart is another great tool. DarknessToLight.org is another great organization that works with talking and helping you understand child sexual abuse. Yeah, NetSmart is an excellent book by Howard Ringgold who wrote the book essentially to help his teenage daughter deal with that. He's also a wonderful person, generous, very, very generous with the things that he has learned. He refers to us all as co-learners. And he is, in my view, worth following on Twitter because he is so generous with his knowledge about these things. And another website I'll give you would be Common Sense. If you're worried about a video game, about a movie or you're just looking for articles and parenting, Common Sense is a really good, also kind of helps you understand what's going on with video games, social media and the movies in safe world. Clarissa, I think you have done an extraordinary job of painting lots of pictures for us without a PowerPoint. I mean, this has been terrific. And for those of you who are watching, Miranda's doing also an extraordinary job of putting the links to all of these things in the chat and will also definitely make sure that you get the links to not just all of these sources, we'll try to collect them all, but also to Clarissa's long, little lost PowerPoint. Frankly, I can't imagine that it was better than your terrific presentation. Thank you. Thank you guys. Thank you to everyone. Thank you and understand, please, it does take a village to protect our children and you have to have that counted conversation with your kids. We have to start early. It's never too late and you can always keep going and moving in the right direction. Thank you for listening. Keep doing what you're doing. Thank you to Voices for Children for having me. I appreciate it. Thank you.