 Okay, we're on. So good morning once again and I hope you'll have all had a good week. Yeah, I think there are people still coming in and yes, we can get started. Maybe we'll just quickly start with a word of prayer and submit the next two hours into the Lord's hands. Let's pray. Heavenly Father, we thank you that you have been with us. Lord, through the last week, through every day, Lord, you are the one who sustains us, who builds us, who keeps us. Father, even as we look into fresh lessons this morning, Father, we submit our marriages, our relationships to you. Lord, we know we aren't perfect in any way, but Lord, we cling to you. We cling to your understanding. We pray that the Holy Spirit will bring changes in our hearts and in our lives, in our relationships, so that we could be a people who gives you glory and praise. Thank you, Father. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen. All right. Okay, so would anyone like to start with maybe a few things that we covered the last week? Where we are for the benefit of those who were not able to join us last week? Would someone like to share? Good morning for all those who come in right now. Anyone? What did we look at last week? Shall I call out some names? Joshua? Good morning, Joshua. Would you like to put us to speed on what we covered last week? Joshua? Okay, anybody else? Simran? Okay, yes, Avni, thank you. Yes, we did the roles of a husband and wife last time. Okay. And remember some of the roles that we spoke about for a husband? Anyone? Yes, Avni. So we learned about some specific guidelines and roles of husband and wife according to the Scriptures. So we learned some important truth from 1 Peter, 1 Peter 3-7 that we are joint heirs in all that God has for both of us. None is superior or inferior. None of us earn it, but by grace we receive it. We are all interdependent and we are both designed to be interdependent. Then we also learned about, we do this out of respect for Christ. We are called to be courteous, reverent to one another. Then we learned about wives have to understand and support their husband in ways and husbands are to go out and love their wife, cherish their wife as he loves himself. He's called to love his wife. Then we are called to be good, be responsive, honour each other, be agreeable and be sympathetic and compassionate to each other. Thank you. Thank you, Avni. Thank you so much for bringing that up. So I thought as a beginning exercise we could just take a few couple of minutes to really look at some practical ways as how we can look at 1 Corinthians 13. It's the chapter of love where it talks about what love is. So I know that many of us who are married or even do have relationships with parents and friends and close significant people. So what I'd like to do is maybe bring up some of those verses and maybe each of you could unmute one attribute per person. Just unmute and look at what are some practical ways as to how you could express this attribute to your spouse or to a parent or to a child. We're specifically looking at marriage here, but in case you aren't married, looking at how you can do this for any significant relationship. So shall we do that? Okay, I think it's just a little time for us to share practical understanding. We can learn from each other and so I'm keen to also learn from all of you who are married and what are some of the practical ways you would do. Okay, so let's take a few. Let's look at love is patient. How would you practically express this to your spouse? In a few sentences, okay, doesn't have to be long. This few sentences, maybe 15, 20 seconds each. Yes, love is patient. Come on, this is this is to interact. Okay, this is to learn together to interact. Yes, Anita, go ahead. We can be good here is like, yeah. Okay, good here is okay. All right, anyone else would like to add. Rupa? Yes, Rupa, go ahead. Rupa, we can't hear you. Am I the only one who can't hear her? Are there a stable to hear her? Can't hear. Can't hear. Okay. Yeah, Rupa, sorry, we can't hear you if you can put it on the chat. Okay, anyone else on patients? Okay, let's look at is love is not jealous. What is a practical way to express this? Love is not jealous. Come on. We've all been in. Yes, I'm going to go ahead, go ahead. I think it's, it's, yeah, it's it for me. It speaks to letting my spouse have the freedom to interact with her friends with whoever she wants to for the reasonable duration of time that she wants to it. You know, as long as she's having a good time and not. And yeah, and so that and the other thing is, if I am not having a good time, not translating that to her just because she's having a good time with someone else. That is how I would. Okay. Thank you. I think Kennedy has written something. He said correcting them in love and kindness when she does a mistake. Okay. All right. Yes, Anita. Appreciating and be thankful. Okay. Instead of being jealous. Okay, appreciating their gifts or things that they have. All right. Okay. What about love is not irritable? I'm sure we all have examples of this. I have 10, 15 of them coming up to me right now. So maybe I'll, I'll, I'll probably give you this one. So, you know, I don't know how many, how many people feel annoyed when there are wet towels on the bed. Exactly. That was what coming. Okay. All right. So that, yeah, so when there are wet towels on the bed, that I think annoys me to know, know, end. And I think that's been something that I've been seeing for the last 18 years. Initially, it wasn't very patiently taken. It was very vehemently taken. But now over years, it's done with, you know, okay, just take it. If that bothers you so much, take it and put it out at the sun or be gentle to say that. Okay. So being careful of that. All right. Anyone else? Love is not irritable. When he just comes from the office and doesn't wash his hands and jumps into the corner to eat something and you know, I'm waiting when we go and wash his hands because he's hungry. He's been through a tough day and he just enters the office to relaxes. And the first thing he thinks is let me eat something. Yeah. All right. Okay. Thank you. Okay. One or two more does not keep a record of wrongs. How can you practically express this does not keep a record of wrongs. Come on. When there's an argument, we make us a deliberate effort not to remind things that we have gone through in the past and take the thing as it is live in the, I mean, take it in the present and be more considerate in expressing our anger in the right way. Absolutely. Yes. For getting the past. Yes, Anita. Or it can be just addressing for once and then again and again like after 10 years also you're still sitting on that and bring out that that should not happen. Yeah. You know, there are times that especially in counseling sessions, I see that couples bring back issues that have happened on the marriage day. You know, it's probably something very simple, but definitely has caused a lot of hurt and mistrust. But even little events that have happened at the marriage day is still replayed over and over and over again. Even years after. Yeah. Right. So yes, being able to forgive. I think someone said being forgiving. Love is not irritable roses written. Sometimes we need to overlook the obvious bad and think more of the goal of attaining peace. Okay. All right. Don't look at something that could make you feel irritable. Okay. Good. Wonderful. Let's look at one more love and yours through everything. Love and yours through everything. What could be an example for that? Through success through failures. We stand with each other and encourage each other. And sometimes it's a moment of just leaving it for that particular point of time. And, you know, once that moment passes away, we see that things are better. Controlling ourselves in that particular spur of movement and letting it go and then, you know, discussing or talking or that way. Ma'am, can I share? Can you hear me? Sorry. Did someone say something? Yes. Go ahead. Ma'am, about enduring this. Patience. Okay. I endure through everything. Okay. Yeah. I had, we had a very good relationship. My husband and I really enjoyed our journey together. And at one point of time, I think about 20 to around 21, 21 years after, at that point of time, my husband had to go through a, he's a medical doctor serving in a charitable hospital. He had to go through a process, very painful process where he was terminated from his job because of the ministry we are doing there. And after coming out, God was telling him not to move from this place. He is a, he was trained and well or an expert and waiting like that without doing anything was very difficult for him. And it was having a toll. Everything changed. He became very critical and very depressed. And it was for almost, I think more than seven years. We had to go through that process. But God gave me the grace to endure both of us to endure each other. I think irritation about talking about it. Being irritated. I think it is also where we should be careful not to irritate the other person also. They're all thinking from our point of view and saying that we are bearing with the irritation, but we should also be careful not to irritate our partners. Thank you. Okay. Thank you. Thank you Rupa. Okay. Last one. Love is self love is not selfish. Love is not selfish. I'd like to hear from some men maybe have all the ladies speaking. Anybody? Come on. One last person. Felix, Christopher. Putting your stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I think putting your wife's needs before your not, not just about always about, I need this. I need this to be in place. This is my requirement. But I think very often thinking about what does my wife need to have a good day or how can we make things better, a little better for her. That's, that could be love is not selfish. Thank you. Thank you, Sam. Christopher, you, I think you had on raised your hand too. Yes. I think when, you know, sometimes when it comes to food, you know, to be able to keep aside an extra portion for my wife and she actually does it more often. You know, particularly food that you know, we know the, you know, the other spouse likes, likes a lot. That's, that's one way of being able to show that you're not selfish. Absolutely. Thank you. Thank you. So good. So that, that's really nice. Not eating the last chocolate. Yeah. Or not eating the bigger part of the cake. Right. Yeah. So that's, that's nice. Thank you. Thank you all for sharing. I think that that really helps each one of us to just connect a little bit more on, on what really scripture says. Okay. So we're going to be looking a little, little bit more quickly on certain responsibilities that roles and responsibilities that a leader or a minister is special specifically called to have. So if you look at scripture, it describes how, you know, those of us who are especially leading in, in a community, in a local church, or in some area of ministry, how much more the standards and our conduct should be like. So there are certain scriptures that are made, you know, that specified that. However, even as I'm saying that it does not absolve the rest of us from, from, I mean, even if you're not as a part of a ministry does not absolve you from engaging in, in these roles and responsibilities. This is specifically called out because we are examples to, to a community of a local church. So we need to ensure that we stick on to the word of God and what it calls for us. Okay. So I, I'd like to, I'm on page 47. Okay, so maybe we could have a couple of people read through these verses and then we can quickly just bring about some key points that, that it has spoken about. So one of you can take up first Timothy three, one to 13. Another can take up Titus one, six to nine, and someone else can take up Titus two, one to six. I've just taken the larger portions that are other scripture that's already also there. But we'll just take these. So first Timothy three, one to 13 Titus one, six to nine and Titus two, one to six. So who'd like to read first Timothy three, one to 13. Could just unmute and, and read. Can I read? Sure. Sure. So one Timothy three, one to 13. This is the true saying if a man is eager to be a church leader, he desires an excellent work. A church leader leader must be without fault. He must have only one wife, be sober, self controlled and orderly. He must welcome strangers in his home. He must be able to teach. He must be a drunkard or a wild violent man, but gentle and peaceful. He must not love money. He must be able to manage his own family well and make his children obey him with all respect. For if a man does not know how to manage his own family, how can you take care of the church of God? He must be mature in the faith so that he will not sell up with pride and be condemned as a devil was. He should be a man who's respected by the people outside the church so that he will not be disgraced and fall into the devil's trap. Church helpers must also have a good character and be sincere. They must not drink too much wine or be greedy for money. They should hold to the revealed truth of faith with a clear conscience. They should be tested first and then if they pass the test, they are to serve. Their wives also must be of good character and must not gossip. They must be sober and honest in everything. A church helper must have only one wife and be able to manage his children and family well. Those helpers who do their work well win for themselves a good standing and are able to speak boldly about their faith in Christ Jesus. Thank you, Christopher. Titus 1.6 to 9. Somebody else? Titus 1.6 to 9. An elder must be without fault. He must have only one wife and his children must be believers and not have the reputation of being wild or disobedient. For since a church leader is in charge of God's work, he should be without fault. He must not be arrogant or quick tempered or a drunkard or violent or greedy of all money. He must be hospitable and love what is good. He must be self-controlled, upright, holy and disciplined. He must hold firmly to the message which can be trusted and which agrees with the doctrine. In this way, he will be able to encourage others with the true teaching and also to show the error of those who are opposed to it. Thank you, Anita. The last one is Titus 2.1 to 6. Titus 2.1 to 6. But you must teach what agrees with sound doctrine. Instruct the older men to be sober, sensible and self-controlled, to be sound in their faith, love and endurance. In the same way, instruct the older women to behave as women should who live a holy life. They must not be slanderers or slaves to wine. They must teach what is good in order to train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, and to be good housewives who submit themselves to their husbands so that no one will speak evil of the message that comes from God. In the same way, urge the young men to be self-controlled. Thank you. Thank you, Rose. In these three passages, there are certain responsibilities, conduct, standards that a leader needs to follow. Quickly, if we could just highlight some of that. For a husband from 1 Timothy 3-2, it talks of a husband having just one wife, being sober, being self-controlled, being orderly. And be hospitable. Verse 3 talks about his conduct, his character of not being drunk or being violent and not being a lover of money. The fourth one, a responsibility towards the home that says he needs to manage his own family and have his children obey him, that is bringing up the children in the fear of the Lord, which becomes a responsibility. He also needs to be mature in his own faith. It should be verse 8, it should be one of good character. He should be sincere. If you look down to Titus 2-1-6, it talks of similar things that is spoken about in 1 Timothy. Titus 2-1-6 talks about the older men being sober, sensible, self-controlled, to be sound in their faith, to have love, to have endurance, to not be slanderers, to not be slaves to wine, and to be able to teach what is good. Whereas for women, for the wives, 1 Timothy 3 says in verse 11, wives need to be of good character, must not gossip, must be sober and honest, take on the responsibility of managing the children and family well. Must also, if you look in Titus, it looks of similar things, being hospital, hospitable, being self-controlled, upright. And in Titus 2-1-6, it specifically talks about loving husbands, being self-controlled and pure, being submissive to their husbands. So when you look at this, the scripture really captures what should be our lifestyle even as we minister on the outside, what should be our conduct and our responsibilities at home. So that gives it a good picture of what we really need, what the standards are for each one of us. I'm just going to take up the question that Samuel's brought up here. He's written not to derail but I do want to explore the love does not keep a record of wrongdoings. We learn from our past, we draw important lessons for getting the past and repeating the same mistakes could be painful. How do we bring up the past to draw important lessons without making it look we are record keeping? So this also comes as part of how we resolve conflicts, which is something that we will be looking at in more detail. To look at it from a practical standpoint is whenever there appears a conflict that comes up, scripture commands us, don't let your, sort out your anger before the sun goes down. So we are called to come to a place of, you know, bringing our hurt and pain first and foremost to God, and then coming to a place of lovingly discussing it with your spouse. So what the reason why a record of wrongdoing generally happens is because at the times that things go wrong, it is not addressed instantly or it is not addressed at the moment. It is either pushed away, it is repressed, it is suppressed, it is kept aside, it is bottled and over time it accumulates and then there comes a release. So if we are careful to ensure that everything that we may find offensive, and I think that's something you need to understand that in a marriage relationship there may be many things that you may be offended about. Even if it is something really small, it's maybe a smirk, it can be a word, it can be a comment, but if not dealt with, if not released to God and maybe discussed to your spouse, there is a possibility that it becomes a record. And when it is not handled in time, that's when these things do come up. Now what happens to a lot of situations when maybe in the past there has not been an opportunity or maybe we didn't know better that we should have discussed it and bought about the issue, which means you may be bringing up certain mistakes that continue happening. And bringing it up first of all within an environment, helping your spouse understand that this is not fault finding or this is not nitpicking, but it is something that you feel affects the way that you address the relationship or you have seen the relationship. And as a result, you're bringing it up so that you have better clarity and you're also probably pointing out something that has been hurtful to you. So when you're able to bring up something of the past, I think there are a couple of ways that we bring up things of the past or bring up mistakes. So there are two ways that you can bring up. One can seem extremely accusatory, where you're probably saying something like, you've done this, you've done this 10 times in the past, you've been doing this all these years. So the focus becomes you. It's like you're pointing a finger. The focus is always you've done this, you're there. This is how you flawed. So that's the focus. So that's one way of expressing it. And often you will find this expression with a defense. The response is always a defense or it could be a throwback on you probably. But a better way of doing it is actually expressing your emotions, your feelings, your difficulties in relation to what the mistake has been. So probably it's something like I feel unheard when something like this happens or I feel that uncared for when this situation happens over and over again. I want to express to you that it affects me. Maybe I haven't understood or I am misinterpreting your actions, but I would like to understand where you're coming from. So to exhibit that you're coming from a place of understanding rather than a place of nitpicking and pulling up. So that always is useful because it not only helps the other person have some clarity about what that behavior or that mistake has done to you but also looks at ways of how their actions have been misinterpreted or misjudged and they get to clarify or if they do repent and suggest that things have gone then there is a restitution over there. So these are some practical ways on how it needs to be done. But forgetting the past, now let's say in the next few situations this has been done yet the mistakes keep coming about. Then it is taking your hurt and your things to the Lord and asking the Lord to bring about a change. So you may not be able to forget the past but you're not dwelling on it. You're not picking it up. You will remember. God has given your mind, you will remember. But it is still your choice if you want to continue bringing it up back onto the table. Even maybe when you felt you've done adequately, it's been discussed adequately but that probably isn't a heed on that. Then you make it a choice to not dwell and bring it up and continue churning it over and over again. You make that choice. You may remember it but you make that choice not to dwell but releasing it and letting it go. I hope I answered your question, Samir. Yes, Master, thank you. We're going to move on into quickly looking at one area which is specifically important for building intimacy as well as a specific role of a husband and wife is with the aspect of sex. We will be covering this in a chapter in detail but this is specifically here just to point out what is the role of a husband and a wife when it comes to the place of sexual intimacy. Let's just look at what scripture talks about. Would someone like to read 1 Corinthians 7 verses 1-6? That's on page 48 and 49. Someone could read that. 1 Corinthians 7, 1-6. Now, getting down to the questions you asked in your letter to me. First, is it a good thing to have sexual relations? Certainly, but only within a certain context. It's good for a man to have a wife and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bet must be a place of mutuality. The husband seeking to satisfy his wife and wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to stand up for your rights. Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it and if it's for the purposes of prayer and fasting but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I don't understand commanding these periods of abstinence only providing my best counsel if you should choose them. Thank you, Dharan. If you look at this scripture, there are certain things that it brings about. One is that it talks of how in a world of sexual disorder, in a world where sex is misconstrued, is distorted, it serves the purpose of having a balanced and fulfilling sexual life within marriage. So that is one of the roles so that you're also not drawn to an immorality so that it can be fulfilled within marriage in itself. So that responsibility lies in the husband and wife. The second thing it talks about is that the role is mutuality. The husband and wife enjoying it together and also doing their best to be able to satisfy those needs one to another. The third thing that it talks about is not standing up for your rights, not holding back or not using it as a weapon against your spouse, withholding it for conflicts or for any other form of reasons. So that's yet another responsibility that as a husband and wife that you may have. Then it talks about in verse 5, it talks about abstaining from sex is permissible only for short periods of time and only when it is specifically for prayer and for fasting and only for such times and to ensure that you come back together again so that the devil who sees this as a great place of attack is not given a free hand to work on you because when that area is not fulfilled or it is not in a place of balance it definitely keeps in crouching at your door. So that is a responsibility just as much as we see other responsibilities enjoying a fulfilling sex life is something that is important to keep both the husband and wife together and one. It's a responsibility each spouse has towards the other. The last part that we're going to be looking at is Proverbs 31 and I know this is a very familiar passage for all of us who've been in church for long and a lot has been spoken about the Proverbs 31 woman and it puts maybe a lot of stress on the woman of how and what they should be but by God's grace we can be where he's called us to be. Yet through that, I'm not reading that entire thing but yet through that there is also a note for the husbands in that Proverbs 31 that entire chapter there are specific things for the husband as well. So I'm just going to highlight some of that because when one longs for a Proverbs 31 wife they are also putting themselves on record to be a Proverbs 31 husband. So what would that mean? One is in verse 11 it says her husband puts his confidence in her and he will never be poor. So her husband puts his confidence in her which means you're doing the best that you can to build trust and confidence in your spouse as a husband. Then verse 23 says her husband is well known one of the leading citizens which means he is a responsible provider of the home doing things outside to bring security and safety in the home for the children so ensuring that that responsibility is something that he follows. Okay verse 28 her children show their appreciation and her husband praises her. So here the children show the appreciation to the husband or to the man of the house and in what he does and how he conducts the home how he brings them together. So all of this comes as a result of also of the conduct of the husband. Okay verse 28 again her husband praises her. So there again you know praise comes when there is love and care and cherishing and all of that you would find like you know look in a normal look in a situation of a school you know a teacher and a student. The student would love a teacher who cares, who helps, who's concerned who has the best interest of the student in mind and you would see the students singing high praises of the teacher right. So similarly the praise comes from either sides from the husband as well as the wife. Okay also verse 31 says giving her credit for all she does and she deserves a respect of everyone. So the husband giving her this credit as well as respecting her for whatever she is for whatever we see in that entire chapter of what she does. So just as much as we need to look for a virtuous woman or be a virtuous woman so also the husband needs to be that proverb said one husband that the wife responds to. Okay just before we close I think I just want to at part of your application is a very interesting tool that you can use in order to know how you express love. So there is a person by name Dr. Gary Chapman who's written the books of the five love languages where it describes how we give and we receive love. So he's described five specific ways in which love is expressed. The first one being physical touch that is where it's you know there's physical affection physical displays of affection really catches the eye of a person who has this as their dominant love language. The second one is words of affirmation where you are affirming your love through encouraging words through compliments through words of respect through words of praise. So that's what words of affirmation is. The third one is receiving gifts where gifts seem to be a great speaker of love and this may not be the more than the monetary value it is the careful selection of it and how it has made meaning to the relationship it's a lot more of that when it's about receiving gifts. So even things like handing out roses or handing out one or two chocolates or ensuring that you bring in something because you've thought of the person it's mainly the thought that counts in that area. The fourth one is acts of service in which you know doing things doing tasks on behalf of the for the spouse maybe it's maybe cleaning it's working through some doing regular household chores or anything any kind of service that makes them feel loved and the last one is quality time where you give undivided attention. Now what he talks about in this book is that we all give and receive it differently and often we tend to give it in the same way that we want it or we receive it like for example let's say you know the husband has words of affirmation and receiving gifts as his dominant love language. So when he expresses love to his wife he expresses it in his dominant language you know he's speaking English whereas probably the wife speaks another language it cannot be understood because she may be she probably has a different language that she's speaking. So what what what this quiz or what this you know this this small it that there is there are a couple of items over here that you can actually do and what this reveals is the different ways in which love is being expressed and how you meet the needs of the of the spouse rather than expressing love in the dominant language that you may be I mean in the language that you may be dominant dominant of so that it's a good exercise to do in something that you could probably try out to yourself to to understand and also have your spouse you know do the test for themselves and being able to see where y'all are and find ways of how you best can express love to them in the way that they experiences in the way that they feel it okay so this is a found in that in on pages 40 on pages 51 onwards okay and you could probably do that for yourselves and come up with the score and maybe you know share what you have seen through through the through what this reveals to you okay maybe we'll just quickly wait for some questions before we close this hour of our class any questions specifically no questions any comments any feedback any anything any anything that you feel you can you can help to contribute to help all of us learn or pick up ma'am I'm just trying to understand as like in this in these times when you know mobile phones they are all the time keeps the professionals busy you know they never get off the work and meals are pouring in messages are coming in the work never stops and and and divided attention becomes a challenge like so you you know that it is important for him to address the issue because it's about the job and pressures are increasing and in these times but you also want an attention but you know the time just goes by and day after day you know so how do we handle that kind of pressure that's what I want to understand I mean the truth is that there is no shortcut to that and so if you look at you know if we pass through maybe generations we understand like I think times when we were younger it was probably it was a TV right now something else has taken over in a few years something else will take over so there's always distractions that will be there in any form but like I said there are no shortcuts there are certain things that you know is important for the growth of a home or a family or a relationship and there needs to be those those times that's being carved out so that that can be addressed there aren't easy there are like I said there's no shortcut it has to be done it's like it's like you know your three meals a day you would carve out the time to ensure that something gets in but that's or you know even I would even say it even further for your quiet time right because of the kind of pressures that gets eaten up but that's what requires that's what discipline is all about being disciplined to bring to ensure that this is a priority and this is something that you must do and you will do and you will do and all else falls down on priority so if we take time to build those priorities or understand those priorities and learn to practically work through that I think it is possible yes thank you man yeah okay I think we'll we'll we'll close for today's class and we'll come back in a couple of minutes so thank you see you all soon