 She's a Dubliner who has lived in Paris, London, the Middle East and various places in the US. Please welcome, Eamor Martin. Thank you. Actually, I first met Michelle when we were both doing a reading with Irvin Welsh in like 99 or something. That's how old I am but we we arrived it was at the Edinburgh Castle in San Francisco and it was Michelle, T, myself and Irvin Welsh and there was a big line right around the corner and I was arriving with a friend and I said, oh, that's for me. They're all waiting for me, but they weren't but they were waiting for Michelle, right? And so thank you for having me along here and I'm going to read I'm gonna read two short pieces and this one is from my third novel or as they say in Ireland my turd novel but I've no joke about my fourth novel, so I just keep using that joke. Baby Zero, Baby Zero is a novel. I suppose it's it's about an Eastern family, Middle Eastern family who go through a revolution and through the refugee camps and arrive in Los Angeles and in a way my in-laws are Iranian and I used as I was writing it I used to think of it as my divorce novel, but then we stayed together and so but I still published it. He hasn't read it And this part is where Zolo and Leila they've left the refugee camp and they've been entrusted their parents are still There and they've been entrusted into their care of their uncle Moe who is setting up a plastic Surgery practice in Los Angeles and he's their legal guardian and he's he's a bachelor and he has absolutely No idea how to deal with the kids, so this is them arriving after the revolution in California The two children sat in the sky immaculate blameless not in control When they touched down winter just fell away They were stunned as if the world had started turning backwards Los Angeles sunshine pure golden banging off the wall sending the sky up even higher Zolo and Leila saw their uncle Moe at the airport. They ran to him and he threw his arms about them He took their one suitcase and led them to the car I'm setting up a clinic here, so I'm very busy. You two are old enough to entertain yourselves get yourselves organized What age you now Zolo 17 when I was 17? I was already putting myself through college my parents gave me nothing They were still beating me with a stick and my grandmother was beating them with the same implement They say you were gifted Zolo. You'll do medicine. No doubt follow me into my clinic cosmetic surgery is the way to go here These Americans are so stupid and the Arabians who made it over here They're even dumber richer and uglier than the Americans. There's gonna be so much work Leila was trailing behind blinking in the sunshine very hot and all our layer of clothes Zolo stopped in irritation to wait for her Moe walked on ahead at a brisk pace Come on Zolo. He threw the suitcase into the trunk of his Lincoln. You'll go to USC University of spoiled children. You'll fit right in you must get the forms and all that I don't have the time remember your father used to bring you into the surgery and stand you on a crate to watch our operations Leila was removing her coat and her sweaters Moe appraised her for the first time She's prettier sister. We'll find her a good husband We'll find her a doctor, but she's a bit flat-chested and they don't like that over here We can fix that so we can't we you and I Zolo Zolo frowned I'm 13 Uncle Moe Leila's 10 Moe is already in the car searching all his pockets for the key Leila and Zolo climbed in Zolo was in the front seat Moe was lost in thought then he said to himself 10. Well, my mother was married at 10. She was a mother of 13 Leila was looking down at her chest and Zolo shrugged Leila bit her lip and touched her finger to its soft moist swell the city outside was full of blank spaces and one-story buildings National Geographic had somehow given her the impression that the whole foreign world outside would be underwater She felt oddly betrayed to be driving and not looking at strange fish and coral If your father had listened to me, he wouldn't be in the mess he was in now He's ruined you all running around after queens and princes. They weren't a royal family They were just a jumped-up military family with no royal blood Idiots thugs all of them American and British puppets and this new bunch They'll be worse. No doubt Rappas always had governments that went out of their way to kill their own people Uncle Moe Leila leaned in between the seats nervously When will you get mom on Baba over? She knew he heard her because he flexed his hands on the wheel in irritation Moe grabbed Zolo's nose suddenly and pulled it hard Zolo flew forward his arms flapping in his hands trying to peel His uncle's hairy fingers away. This is becoming quite a conch Zolo. I'll take the end off it next week if I've time Then he glanced at Leila. God knows what will appear on her face in a few years Moe left them off at his beachfront house in Malibu to Leila and Zolo. It looked like a blue wooden shack They walked inside in a disappointed days. He had owned a mansion back home There was only one bedroom here and a living room with a kitchen counter in the middle Zolo went on to the deck and Moe with Moe to look at the Pacific Ocean The deck was bigger than the house unlike all the neighboring decks. It had no tables no chairs no plants I'm tired. Leila complained lingering at the French doors cupping her hands over eyes to see two Floating human shapes in the intense sunlight You've jet like Zolo is delighted to inform her. Will I get better? No, it's fatal Uncle Leila said why is your house so small? Moe twisted around a raid small This is fucking Malibu. Do you know how much this costs? Do you have any idea where you are? No, she doesn't Zolo laughed. She's just a little frog Leila slunk away from the doors and sat on the big black leather L shaped couch Moe drew his nephew into an embrace Zolo, you've great things ahead of you There are opportunities here that you never dreamed of this lousy revolution was the best thing that could happen to you mark my words The doorbell rang Moe swept into the front room opened the door suddenly a woman with blonde hair and a red leather jacket stood framed in the light The woman smiled nervously at the children Moe was opening drawers in the kitchen part of the room in a frenzy He was throwing boxes on the counter and putting on white gloves Zolo come and observe you learn a thing or two He beamed at the woman Rita. This is my young apprentice when I have my surgery up and running He'll be the heir to it all we'll work side by side as I did with his father Rita took off her jacket. She was tanned and wore a tank top. She knew where to sit and what to do Obviously she had done it many times before When she was sitting firmly on a stool by the counter Moe came with a needle and injected it straight into her forehead What is it Zolo is standing by his uncle Botox it's a form of toxin that causes botulism. Technically it's a poison Lele looked up when she realized this woman was being killed a frost formed beneath her skin It paralyzes the facial muscles. You don't use your face as a result. You don't get wrinkles You don't get old Rita managed to say Oh, you get old all right Rita Moe winked, but your forehead will stay young I wanted to ask you about alloderm Moe Moe We're not past the stage of formalities. Are we not call me doctor. Well, dr. Fatigaga Alloderm tell me about it. I can do that too, but that's permanent Look Rita all of the surgery up and running soon. These injectables are not the answer You can't beat a good facelift. Alloderm is taken from corpses. I can fold it rolled it stack it It'll fit into your face. It'll become you become your own tissue Five years from now when your jaw drops he patted her jaw and slid his finger down her neck And your neck becomes a real turkey gobbler Then when i'm pulling your skin during the operation the filler will still be in and it won't move anywhere You'll be left with a big lump Other doctors will do it, but I have scruples Rita Just keep getting the Botox every two months and even after the surgery we'll use it to fill out lines Then he kissed her and she smiled at him and then he touched her lips I need some more bovine collagen. Don't I Rita said eagerly Rita wrote a check and Moe saw her to the car. She had a red corvette that matched her jacket Zolo whispered to Leila. He doesn't even have a clinic Moe showed Zolo how to clear the counter. Rita is addicted to this stuff I charge only three hundred dollars till I get my surgery word of mouth I do it here easy money Zolo. In fact, I might marry Rita. I need an american passport You should marry someone too. You have to find a born again christian. That's what she is. They're the most stupid people in america LA this is the good life solo you like it here age years old on bicycles and rollerblades The americans don't believe they can die. They don't even think they use the toilet. They call it the restroom the powder room But it's best to stick to the edges of this country Deep inside this country is a place called the midwest And the real piggy americans live there. They actually have faces like pigs and their bodies are pink and hairy Moe went to the bathroom. He stayed there a long time and left the beach house in a cloud of aftershave I'm gonna skip forward just to the bit where they fall asleep and then moe has taken them out For something to eat A daybreak moe came tearing onto the deck. He stopped short on discovering the two children sleeping on his property Get up get up. You can't lie there like peasants like refugees I have a reputation in this neighborhood. This is fucking malibu Suddenly stood still and put his hands up and surrender come come on come on inside They stumbled after their uncle as he showed them the couch Haven't you ever seen a fold out couch good lord? What am I going to do? This isn't going to work out Why didn't you use my bed? Zolo said well, it was a water bed. It was weird. She's hungry. He pointed disdainfully at leila Okay, moe moe zolo and leila sat on a wooden bench in a restaurant by the sea The waitress came with a tray of oysters leila wouldn't eat them. They looked like melted eyeballs Zolo wasn't too keen either, but his sister's disgust spurred him on This is grown-up food. She whined Look at your brother moe ruffle the boys hair I am 10 years old leila pounded her fists on a pile of oysters sending them flying Zolo looked at his sister with interest and then at moe moe is lighting a cigarette and sitting back as of scrutinizing the sea He drummed his fingers likely off the table Zolo, you're going to have to teach your sister manners No man will have such a wilful little animal. I don't want a stupid man leila wailed Zolo nodded thanks for the oysters uncle moe. They're delicious I think leila should go on the next plane back to ishmael and farah to the refugee camp And you moe zolo I might return to or app Or app. Well, this is the greatest moment in history and I should be there You want to go back and fight the revolutionaries? No uncle. I want to join them Then zolo took out from his pocket a picture of the revolutionary leader and unfolded it Leila came back to the table the leader was an old man with black eyebrows and a long gray beard He had a red turban And a red and white robe his face was gaunt and his eyes were shadowed one eye was pure white The other was swollen and it socket his face was without wrinkles except for four lines two down from his mouth And one two from his nose Leila noted this and pointed to the picture He needs injections there and there uncle moe And then she made a scissors motion with her fingers and the end of his nose needs clipping Moe roared with laughter. Maybe it's you who'll be my surgeon. Your brother is an idiot Zolo focused a fanatical glare on moe is it to reduce the man to ashes moe is implacable Derisively he wasted weight waved his manicured hand at all the other customers eating seafood talking on phones sipping white wine Take a good look at these people zolo these californians Do you think any of them know where your country is? Have they heard of it a news item before the sports section between hollywood minutes Do you think when they've 200 channels that they even watch the news when it by chance lights on our poor nation And if per chance they do dain to a light for a second on us What do they glimpse endless lines of badly dressed rumpled refugees spilling unwanted over borders because we can't keep our leaders under control People with nothing left but big plastic bags of clothes and a few momentum Mentos your beloved leader with his cataract eyes and red hat. What is he another Santa Claus of the atomic age? Beliefs what are beliefs? Can you touch them drive them live in them eat them? These folks they want to live in huge houses big enough to be schools or hospitals or hotels back home They want to lie on beaches that are not filled with landmines They want to eat fresh food that they don't stand hours and long lines for and they want to stay young For as long as possible or at least look young. Are they better than we maybe We do want to look like them blonde and we want their noses Sure, they've their miseries their cancers their car crashes And they all end up rotted in the ground or piles of ash and their children resent them and blame them for their own petty failures But this is the fatal difference They do not get carried away by ideas That is the rub These people are animals, but they know it more than we do food shelter prestige sex like the tribe of apes We are leave ideas to the fanatics live your life here in california like the animal you are and enjoy it They left the restaurant and got into his car zolo search through all the music selection and frustration Beethoven Beethoven Beethoven mo all you have is Beethoven Well, I was told when I came to this country that Beethoven was the best. Why should I listen to anything but the best Mo rooted around in his pocket and found a card By the way, I know arabians don't have middle names, but you need one get yourself one that means something Mo gave zolo his business card with a flourish zolo and leila read it Does the mirror make you miserable time can and will be reversed Dr. Muhammad Ludwig van fatigagas Plastic surgeon. I exist to recapture splendor. Thank you Holy crap aimer martin. That was so good So so good