 J-E-L-L-O! The Jell-O program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Kenny Baker, and yours truly, Don Wilson. The orchestra opens a program with Mr. and Mrs. America. If March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb and vice versa, or so they say, yes, it is an uncertain month for weather, but I know the way to make the best of it. If the wind is howling around outside, that's the very time to enjoy a cozy dinner topped off with gay, colorful Jell-O. Or if it happens to be a sunny springtime day, Jell-O will reflect that cheerfulness in a glowing mold of radiant beauty. But Jell-O is the most tempting dessert in the world to look at and to eat. Those six bright colors are so appetizing, they make you hungry just to look at them. And those six fruit flavors are extra rich, crammed with a true fruit goodness that satisfies you every time. Strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and lime. No matter what the flavor and no matter what the weather, you can always depend on genuine Jell-O to give the family a grand treat. So when you buy, look for the big red letters on the box. They spell Jell-O, and Jell-O spells a treat. And Mrs. America played by the orchestra. Now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you that well-known plunger who lost $2 on the big race at Santa Anita yesterday, grief-stricken, Jack Benny. Thank you, Jell-O again, this is Jack Benny, the ex-gambler talking. And, Don, believe me, I didn't mind losing the $2, but when I put dough on a horse, the least I expect is a run for my money. Well, I don't blame you, Jack. Your horse came in last, didn't he? Last. He came in at last. But of course it's all my fault. I should have known long before the race that that horse was too weak to run. Why? What do you mean? Well, when I put the $2 on his nose, his hind legs flew right up in the air. What a nag. Pretty bad, huh? Bad. Don, I didn't mind the horse losing the race. But when he walked over to my box and said, do you want to make something out of it, that was going to happen. But it's over and done with, and I still had a swell time. Hello, Jack. What are you talking about? Oh, hello, Mary. I was just telling Don about the $2 I lost on the big race yesterday. You lost? Well, I had a dollar of it. Never mind. Anyway, whatever I lost, it didn't bother me, Annie. I wasn't the least bit excited. Not much. You took an aspirin tablet, box and all. Oh, no, that's just silly. Then you ran over to the ticket window and tried to get your money back. All right, now let's forget it. Why, for heaven's sake, Mary, how could Jack possibly get his money back? He rolled up his pants and told the man he was under 21. Why, Mary Livingston, I did not. Then why did you make me grab the back of your neck to pull a wrinkles out of your face? Now, Mary, for the last time, will you please forget it? Hello, Phil. I mean, hello, Phil. Hiya, Jackson. How's Diamond Jim Benny tonight? Oh, I'm all right. Say, I saw you watching the big race yesterday. How'd you do, Phil? How'd you do? Fine. Now, Phil, stop with those wheelchair bowlers. I asked you how you did yesterday. Oh, it was a great day for me, Jack. Did you see that gorgeous blonde I was with? Yes, sir. I'll say I did. You had your armor on her all afternoon. How was she? Hard to find, though. Oh, a stranger, eh? Phil, sometimes I wish I had your nerve and technique. Boy, would I be a ladies' man. What's so funny about that? Romeo with rheumatism. Well, it was damp in those days, too. Anyway, Mary, don't exaggerate. I haven't got rheumatism. Oh, no. On a rainy day, you walk like a spider. It's very good, although I thought it was going to be much better. When I'm talking to Phil, I wish you'd stay out of it. Say, Don... Yes, Jack? I hope everybody gets here early tonight. We've got to finish up our play, Jesse James. Oh, hello, Kenny. Hiya, Jack. I saw you out the track yesterday, right after the big race. Oh, you did? Yeah. Do you feel any better now? Oh, I feel fine. How'd you do, Kenny? I mean, did you win anything yesterday? Boy, did I clean up. I got a real system. You have, eh? What is it? Well, I close my eyes and hold up my program, and then I take a pen and make a stab at it. Yes. And whatever horse I stick, that's the one I play. Say, that's very interesting. Who did you pick in the first race? A fat lady in front of me. Guys, was she burned up? She was, eh? Did she hit you? I think so. I missed the next three races. Well, Kenny, you can keep your system. I'm not that much of a gambler. I bet my little two dollars and let it go at that. Two dollars? I told you I had a dollar of it. Mary, I was speaking of our syndicate. Anyway, I'm the one that laid out the money. Yes. And it's the last time I'll ever walk up to a ticket window with you. Gee, was I embarrassed? What happened, Mary? Oh. When the man asked him for the two dollars, Jack had to take his shoe off to get it. Well, there are a lot of pickpockets around. You can't be too careful. Anyway, I'm better off than any of you, fellas, because I only bet on one race. Listen, Jack, do you mean to say that you go clear out the San Anita and sit there all day just to bet on one race? Yes, I do. Boy, what a tight walk. It's not that at all. It just so happens that I don't care anything about gambling. Well, if you don't care anything about gambling, why are you always going out to the racetrack? Because I like hot dogs. That's why... Well, if you're not a gambler, why do you dress like one? Why do you wear that loud suit? So the mustard won't show and shut up. Now, let's forget about horses and get on with the program. Are you ready for your song, Kenny? All set, Jack. And for Heaven's sake, do it. That kills me. I'll lose two dollars. Everybody has to harp on it. I told you I had half of your bed. I'm still referring to our combination. Sing, Kenny, before I get mad. Don, go out and get Andy. Oh, my dreams are in vain. I'm going through... It's sung by Kenny Baker. That was an oldie. And now, ladies and gentlemen, as I started to announce, tonight we are going to continue with the second episode of our version of Daryl Eftzanik's 20th Century Fox production, Jesse James. It is 10 years later. And as last week, I will again play the part of Jesse. Andy Devine will be my brother, Juicy. And Mary, you're going to be Zarelde again. Oh, yes, your sweetheart. Now, that was last week. This week, I got a little surprise for you. You're going to be my wife. And I've got a little surprise for you. We've got three kids. Three kids? What are their names? Jesse, Tessie, and Messi. Well, that's lovely. I'll adore Messi. And Kenny. Kenny, you're going to have the same part you had last week. You're going to be the president of the St. Louis Midland Railroad. I want to be the engineer. Kenny, you're going to be the president. All right, but I'm going to have a whistle on my desk. Well, suit yourself. I'm going to blow it, too. Quiet. And Don, you're going to be a salesman that I hold up on the train. And you're going to have a satchel full of, guess what? No, wait a minute. Let's see. Is it a bunch of little boxes? Yes. And do they have big red letters on them? Yes. And does it come in six delicious flavors? You're getting hot, Don. And is it economical and easy to make? Yes. Now, what is it? Grape nuts. It is not. It's jello. Gee. And now, folks, our play will go on immediately. Hey, Jack, am I going to be in this clam bank? No, I'm sorry, Phil. You're not going to be in it this week. My writers don't like you. Oh, yeah? Well, I'll be in that play or my orchestra won't laugh. What? Those pushovers? Well, I have to strap your guitar player down before I can say hello to him. Look at him now. What? Anyway, Phil, you're out of the play and that's that. Well, we'll see about that, brother. And don't call me brother. Heaven forbid. Phil, where do you buy your neckties from an Indian? Now, this play... Say, Jack, isn't that Mr. Zanuck in the third row watching our program? Daryl Zanuck? Where? Right there, that little fellow on the horse. Oh, yes. Yes, we better be good tonight. You know, this is his picture. Anyway, folks, as soon as the next number is over, we're going to... Pardon me. Hello? Hello, Mr. Benny. This is Rochester. Oh, hello, Rochester. I wish you wouldn't always call me up when I'm busy. What is it? Boss, we've got to come to an agreement. Either that polar bear leaves the house or I do. Oh, are you two feuding again? What's the matter with Carmichael? Don't go on that bear. He scratched up everything in the house, including your humble servant. Oh, stop complaining. He hasn't scratched you. Now, wait a minute, boss. I wasn't born with a pinstripe. Look, Rochester, don't be such a coward. If he acts up, get tough. Grab hold of him and throw him in the closet. The funny thing about you, boss, every time a war comes up, you've got to be the general. Now, look, Rochester, just leave Carmichael alone. I'll talk to him when I get home. So long. So long? Oh, say, boss, I was just listening to the program and I've been wondering about something. About what? Well, you know that $2 you lost on a big race yesterday? Yes. Well, if Miss Livingston had a dollar of it and I had a dollar of it, how come you feel so bad? Because I'm sorry for both of you. Goodbye. I wish he wouldn't bother me when I have things to do. Now, where was I? You were getting ready for Jesse James. Oh, yes. Oh, Phil, how about a number? Something apropos. I mean something that fits our play. I know what apropos means. Well, don't show off in such a small word. Hey, Juicy, come on in here. I'm coming, Jesse! You're in our play, you know. Boys throughout the choo-choo train. Well, I hope we can follow. This is Casey Jones, played by Phil Harris, who might as well go home right now as he won't be in our play. Oh, yeah, you'll find out. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the second episode of our stirring drama, Jesse James. Take it, Wilson. Ten years of elapses last week and we find that Jesse James, the simple farm boy, has become Jesse James, one of the most notorious desperadoes west of the Mississippi. Might he put his stream in the Mississippi? As the scene opens, we find Jesse and his wife, Zarelda, and they're hide out in the country. Jesse is cleaning his gun while Zarelda is knitting him a bulletproof sweater. Curtain, music. Hey, this is your last chance. Come on. Well, let's turn off that gang buster program. I want to relax. You all go on this gun, Zarelda, when you go out shopping this afternoon, I wish you'd pick me up a new sick shooter. What's the matter with the one you got? The barrel's crooked. Last night I was aiming at a rattlesnake and I shot the cigar right out of my mouth. Oh, it can't be that crooked. It can't, eh? Here, take the gun and aim at that window. See what happens. Okay. There goes the window. Window nothing. That was my glasses. Gosh, did you do much damage? I think so. There's a period between your eyebrows. Well, I'm a little drafty, but I proved my point. Are you coming along with my bulletproof sweater? Fine, Jesse, but it ain't very stylish. I think I'll put a turtleneck on it. Don't do that, gal. When I'm riding my horse, people will think I'm a polo player. I ain't no sissy. Now, wait a minute, you. What's wrong with polo? Nothing, Mr. Zanuck. It just don't become me. I wish he'd stay in the audience. Well, anyway, thanks for the bulletproof sweater, Zarelda. You're welcome and see that you're wearing it. I'm tired of you coming home full of holes. Our bill for corks is something fierce. I don't mind that, but they keep popping out all the time. I feel like a champagne bottle. There goes one now. Dog, gonnit. That may be the law. Quick, Zarelda, hide in the closet. What for? We're married. I know, but you might get shot. Who's that? Hello, Jesse. This is Jussie. Come right in. We'll cook a goosey. Yeah. Hi, you folks. Hello, Jussie. What's that you got under your arm? It's a new picture of Jesse. I just ripped it off a tree. Let's see it. Well, well, there's a reward out for me. $5,000 dead or alive. $5,000 is a heap of money. It sure is. Is that cash? Yep. Zarelda, put down that gun. Put it down, I see. Shucks, I'll never get a mink coast. Not that way, gal. It's unethical. Say, Jesse, if we're going to rob a train tonight, the bow and arrow limited is due here in about 20 minutes. Yeah, we better get going. Hey, Zarelda, we're going to hold up a train. You want to come along? I'd love to, Jesse, but I hate to leave Junior alone. Well, bring the kid along. I would, but he's got the mumps, and I can't get him through the door. Oh, well, some other time, then. So long, Zarelda. Wait a minute. Shall I fix your boy some lunch before you go? No, don't bother. We'll eat on the train. Come on, juicy. I'm a c- Quiet, you two. It might be the sheriff. Get your guns, you see. I got it. Mine's ready, too. Come in. Pardon me. Is this 118 Elm Street? Get out of here, Harris. I told you, you ain't in this place. I'm nuts. Them Easterners getting my nerves. Let's go. Let's go, Jesse, or we'll be late. Yeah, come on. Steady, partner. Hey, juicy, I see you got a new horse. What happened to that broken down old gray mare you used to ride? Well, I had her face lifted and sent her to Santa Anita. I know. I bet on her yesterday. Come on, partner. Lights, we're going through the next one. Five minutes later, and we find Jesse and juicy lurking in the bushes alongside the railroad tracks, waiting for the bow and arrow limited. Well, juicy, she'd be coming around the bend any minute now. Yep, and they'll never recognize us with these baseball masks on. That's right. But you know, I think we ought to change her voices, too. What are you talking about? Mine changes every three seconds. It sure does. And you ought to do something about that voice of yours, juicy. It sounds like a man with squeaky shoes walking on oyster shells eating peanut bread. It's awful. Well, I had my tonsils shot out four times, but they keep going back in again. Well, stop drinking water. It's that irrigation that does it. Try that for a while. Here she comes, juicy. Now you duck down on the bushes and make a noise like a locomotive whistle. The engineer will think it's another train coming and stop right about here. OK, Jesse, let me know when. Ready, juicy? Get set, blow! Woo! Woo! Woo! That's it. Sure works, Jesse. Come on, let's go. Hey, everybody. Up with your hands. Line up, folks. We don't want to skip anybody. Come here, buddy. You're first. Now, wait a minute. I'm Mr. McCoy, president of this railroad. Oh, you are, eh? All right, Mr. President. Up with your hands. OK, hold my ice cream cone. Here's his money, juicy. $8.35. Thanks. Now, wait a minute. You only rung up $8. Well, I'm a crook, ain't I? Oh, that's right. Now, let's see who's next. You guys, candy and programs. You can't tell Jesse from Juicy without a program. Oh, yeah, we'll take that. Why, this guy? Come here, lady. You're next. Here I am. Say, Jesse, she looks like an old maid, don't she? Yeah. Where's your money, lady? I ain't telling, dearie. I think we better skip her. Who's next, you see? Well, how about this big fat guy here? Gentlemen, this is an outrage. Oh, yeah? Who are you, anyway? I'm a traveling salesman. Quiet, lady. Well, you're a traveling salesman, eh? Yes, sir. Well, none of your stories were on the air. Here's his money, Juicy. $18.75. Okay. Now, let's see. All right, buddy, you're next. I'll with your hand. How dare you. I'll do nothing of the kind. Oh, pardon me, Mr. Zanik. Gosh, he sure gets around, don't he? Hey, Juicy, look at that guy in the Derby hat trying to run away. I'll stop him. I'll come back here, you. Take it easy, my light-fingered friend. That last shot put my back collar button in front. Hmm. That voice sounds familiar. What do they call you, stranger? Well, sir, Allen is the name Fred Allen. Allen-a? This is 1873, folks. That gives you an idea how old he is. Now, listen, you. Hand over your money. Here's my wallet. But I warn you, Jesse James, there's man-eaten moths in there. I'll open it up anyway. Well, I'll be done. Look, Juicy, $150,000 in pennies. I always knew you were a miser, Allen. Gentlemen, gentlemen, I protest. You better shake him, Jesse. I bet he's got a nose full of nickels. He's got something up there. Well, now let's see, Juicy. We collected over $150,000 today. I guess we did pretty good. Yeah, let's go. Come on, Juicy. We got enough. Goodbye, gentlemen. I know you don't. Stick them up, you two, and hand over that money. While Phil Harris put down that gun, I told you you can't be in this place. Have it your way, but hand over that money. I'm a drone, McGon-Harris. Look out. I'm a shooting mind. Take that. Yeah, maybe you'll let me in your play next time. So long, Jackson. Oh, I'm getting weaker. Juicy, Juicy. Jesse, Jesse, speak to me, speak to me. Oh, everything is getting dark. It's not so late. I mean for me. I'm a-going, Jesse Juicy. I'm a-going. Oh, Jesse, Jesse. Zerelda, what are you doing here? Listen, gal. Dying, Zerelda, dying, Zerelda, Dying right here on the track. He's dying, Zerelda, Dying right here on my back. I think that I'm gonna die. I'm dying surely, but slow. Dying, Zerelda, He's sure that he's gonna die. Did you ever look through those intriguing travel booklets they get out nowadays and find yourself longing for a taste of foreign lands? Well, here's a dessert for the fascinating foreign flavor, and it's easy to enjoy right at home. Baghdad Cream, a delicious new idea your family will love, for it's a grand combination of orange jello with canned pineapple prunes and whipped cream, and here's how you make it. Dissolve one package of orange jello and one pint of hot water. Chill until cold and syrupy. Fold in one half cup of heavy cream, whipped only until thick and shiny. Then add one cup of cooked prune pulp and one half cup of canned crushed pineapple. Mold until firm. It's a swell-looking and swell-tasting dessert. A tangy, smooth combination of pineapple and prunes. Blend it with whipped cream in a shimmering mold of orange jello with its delicious, extra-rich fruit flavor. So try Baghdad Cream soon. Ask your grocer tomorrow for Orange Jello. This is the last number of the 23rd program in the New Jello series, and we will be with you again next Sunday night at the same time. Meanwhile, folks, all I want to say is... I'm dying, Zarelda, dying, Zarelda, but I'll be with you next Sunday night. He's dying, Zarelda. I'm sure that he's gonna die. Dying, Zarelda, die, die, die. Good night, folks. This is the National Broadcasting Company.