 Good day, May 40 here Republican candidates getting ready to take the stage But I got to talk to you about what happened at three o'clock this morning I woke up at three o'clock this morning had my cold shower Did my coconut oil Paul and then you know, I started engaging in the spiritual religious psychological physical anthropological and literary exercises that Like to do to get my day going and I'm watching the cricket of course Australia just what a magnificent thrashing of India Today, so we've got the world series of cricket starting up next week I'd be I'm sure just on the edge of your seat and We're keeping our eyes on a CB Valley, California So if anything goes on in the second Republican debate, we will bring that to you live But I just started listening to Alan Berger, right? I'm sure everyone here is checking out this terrific Channel not the one on conspirituality, but optimal recovery and emotional sobriety Institute I mean, this is where it's at so much great material and I was just Nailed mesmerized inspired driven by this Waking up from our sleepwalking part six conversation here on the optimal recovery and emotional sobriety Institute This is Dr. Alan Berger a psychologist and he's talking about the work of the late psychologist Dr. Karen horny on resolving our internal conflicts and basic anxiety Right. It's a foundational aspect of why and how we go to sleep Right, you got to listen to this and those concerns Generate this anxiety now. I know if you're a human being you've experienced anxiety in your life every one of us have or has Sometimes it's so severe that we have a panic attack other times. It's not a severe It's a low-grade anxiety. Sometimes it's higher than that But the one thing that I think we all know is that it's a terrible feeling You know, I'd much rather be depressed than anxious. There's no question in my mind about it I don't like anxiety and so when we feel anxious we are so motivated Is that true would you rather feel depressed than anxious? I Think I might yeah, I don't do not like feeling anxious So I might I might tip my yarmulke to Alan Berger here. I think he's on to something try to find some way To resolve that anxiety To find peace of mind to find some equanimity some quietness of mind calmness of heart That's what we all want And so at a very very early age we come up with a plan And this idea is I called it in the book a blueprint You know, it's a blueprint that we start laying down about who we have to become to ensure That we're gonna be loved that we're gonna be accepted and we're gonna belong Wow, who we have to become In order to ensure that we're going to be you know loved to ensure that we're gonna be logged I don't know about you that speaks to me one of my favorite titles for a book is by the late Christian Psychologist psychiatrist Paul attorney a a place for you, right? This is a place for you Just just I don't know this yearning that I have for a place for me You know a place where I can you know feel whole where I can feel you know at ease where I can love and be loved Now her dr. Karen Horne is a prolific writer or she was a prolific writer. She's left us a lot of great books The last work she did was called Neurosis and human growth and it's very technical book It's really written for a professional level not for the lay public, but you could pick it up and try to read it You might find it accessible It takes me many many reads to get through it in terms of even a chapter and so because it's so dense You could pick it up. She's so brilliant you but what she said is that typically we take three different paths and Early on in her career. She described them as what we move towards what we move against and what we move away from Later on she described these as the appeal of love which is moving towards The appeal of mastery which is moving against and the appeal of freedom which is moving away from She described them differently in her last book instead of moving towards she called that The selfie-facing solution Because the appeal of love means I have to deny I like that so to reduce our anxiety We all have three basic modes of going through life in a chapter and so because it's so dense and she's so brilliant But what she said is that typically we take three different paths and Early on in her career. Okay, so think about all those people doing that those smashing grabs Right in Philadelphia. I think in San Francisco and Los Angeles. All right, so they're trying to master life Right there. They're trying to you know, go out live. That's that's one strategy Here she described them as what we move towards what we move against and what we move away from Later on she described these as the appeal of love which is moving towards The appeal of mastery which is moving against Okay, so the appeal of love is moving towards. Okay, so that is one common response to Anxiety and there's nothing wrong with this response There's anything or think wrong with it when it just becomes a default when we just kind of sleepwalk into a response So becoming aware of our habitual responses to life Right. Do we try to navigate our anxiety? Do we try to navigate life? By, you know, moving towards people to try to show them love and try to get them to you know, manipulate them into into showing us love Right. Is that you know, always a viable strategy? Obviously not, you know frequently That's a lousy strategy and the appeal of freedom which is moving away from Hmm, so the appeal of freedom. So this is the avoidant right tends to be Dominated by this moving away from connection. So this is the the resignation approach This is the approach that says I don't care about politics anymore. No politics is just so corrupt You know, I just I just don't care about politics anymore. I'm gonna devote myself to other things All right, it's just moving away. How often do I feel anxious? Well My own responses not trustworthy. So I suspect that I feel a great deal more anxiety than I'm even conscious of So how often do I feel like I have a problem with anxiety? I didn't know maybe 1% 2% of the time But it's probably there, right? If you got something going on in your life, you know Just in one area of your life in all likelihood, it's all through your life. It's like cancer But it's like bone cancer, you know, it manifests with a broken spine But then it's probably all through your life. So if I'm conscious of anxiety in You know on an occasional part of my life, it's probably they're all throughout my life. I'm just not conscious of it She described them differently in her last book instead of moving towards she called that The selfie-facing solution Yeah, so I mean, it's a perfectly good solution, you know resignation at times saying hey, you know, I'm not a big deal I'm I'm just a secretary. I'm just doing my job. I'm just following orders Oh, let me connect you to someone who's smart. Let me you know turn this over to someone who really knows what's going on All right. I'm not a big deal. I am nobody. All right That's an effective coping mechanism at times, but sometimes it's maladaptive sometimes we should take charge sometimes we should lead Sometimes we should be proactive So there have been many times at work when I've tried to you know, create love out of nothing at all and it hasn't gone So well instead I should be focusing on you know mastery instead of trying to create love from nothing at all Because the appeal of love means I have to deny myself and make myself an empty vessel so I can meet all your needs So I remember the intoxicating effect of first love, you know 16. It was the gosh the summer of 1982 First love alright this woman who was a year below me in school when I was going to Pacific Union College elementary school and We were both working at Pacific Union College in the summer of 1982 as first love And it's just so intoxicating and people around me notice that hey, I'm just you know in love with love But you know she really took over my heart and my life and I Was you know, it was absolutely humbled. I Was I was absolutely smitten but didn't necessarily bring out the you know the best in me It made me highly insecure and so When I moved away from PEC at the end of the summer and went back to life in Auburn, California Which was two and a half drive I was drive away from Pacific Union College. So when I launched into My junior year of high school I would try to get back to Pacific Union College as often as I could but I would write to her We'd write to each other and I just missed her so much and and going back home to my home You know in Auburn just felt so cold and so devoid of love compared to what I was creating With this girl at Pacific Union College. Then when I come back to PEC, I remember one time She talked about how she'd been going to rock concerts with this college guy She'd gone to see Journey to this college guy and I got so jealous. I just cut her off But I didn't write to her anymore and there was like a three month gap where she never heard from me And she you know finally broke down and sent me a letter saying how hurt she was All right, so I guess I was Deliberately inflicting pain on her because I'd felt so much pain Thinking that you know by my girlfriend was you know going out with this college guy to rock concerts that I couldn't provide it with rock Concerts. I didn't even have my driver's license yet I hadn't even been to a rock concert yet wouldn't get in my first rock concert till the summer of 1986 so I Was I was hurt and I was intimidated and so I deliberately heard her by just you know cutting off Or communication with her when I went back to Pacific Union College summer of 1983 Then we fell into step again I was walking with her walking through the woods at Pacific Union College and after we crossed this this little stream I leaned over and for the first time I kissed her because I'd learned to kiss over the previous few months and I kissed her on the lips And then I started nibbling on her lips and then our tongue started exploring and dancing together And when we finally pause to take breath she said we could have been doing this last summer But I didn't know how last summer I was I was too intimidated But now I was still carrying a bit of a bun that she'd been going to rock concerts with this college guy And so when she wouldn't let me go further than kissing She told me I'm not that kind of girl Well when she won't let me go further than I just dropped her and I started you know focusing my attention on this You know college woman and you know going to movies with her Oh, so yeah excessively moving towards love, you know Excessively I was excessively focused on her because being in love with her made or you know my pain and anxiety go away But you know I lost touch with myself what I needed I was so vulnerable and hurt when she was you know going to rock concerts with some college guy and You know as excessively oriented towards her instead of appropriately looking after myself and developing my own mastery of life Such as getting a driver's license and the ability to take a go to a rock concert I think this is what we classically have called codependency The movement against she called the the movement towards mastery or the expansive solution Yeah, so wherever you're at in life So I heard a great analogy from dr. Stephen Marmer a frequent guest on Dennis Prager's radio show That no matter where you're at in life You're always winding between one of four states one is mastery and wherever you're at in life. You can always work on gaining more mastery Another state is feeling small in a big world All right, we never completely graduate from that. We will always return to feeling small in a big world at times Uh, another state is helpless Right, our back will go out, you know, we'll lose our health, you know Computer will break down We'll face some you know obstacle that we can't overcome through our own abilities and powers Right, there'll always be times of helplessness in our life And there'll always be times of grandiosity when we just feel like you know We're mastering life and you know, we're just so awesome and then We will you know spiral from there into helplessness or feeling small in a big world or developing a real keen sense accurate sense of mastery So that's moving against the world and carry on current horne's formulation and This is an excellent way of dealing with anxiety if you can genuinely develop mastery over live streaming over How your car works how your computer works over your job over your education Over your career over your friendships over your place in the community over your volunteer positions Over your hobbies over your your body your spirit your soul Anytime you develop mastery that significantly I find reduces anxiety becoming more competent life getting more money in the bank You know becoming more Adept at more and more parts of life becoming smoother in your interactions with other people with yourself learning to Meditate learning to work out appropriately learning to You know be after soothe and calm yourself during times of stress and anxiety Right, we can always develop mastery. So that's moving against the world So moving towards someone that's the path of love and that resignation moving away from That is kind of the the avoidant Solution and sometimes there's a good one right all of these Responses have their place. It's just that we don't want to sleepwalk into these habitual responses To anxiety we want to choose them appropriately in an adaptive and beneficial fashion And that is is because we think if we're the best if we're right all the time if we're number one Then we're going to be I still love journey. I've got about five of their you know Top hits on my iphone Remain a big fan of journey to this day But I reconnected with that woman. She she hit me up And she said, you know, hey look remember me we we used to write letters to each other and uh Yeah, we we just reconnected in in the last 18 months We loved and accepted And the last one appeal of freedom is the moving away from and she called that the solution of resignation that we just So that was my father's solution in in many ways, all right He would often echo Jean Paul's side help as other people and there's a time and a place to moving away time and a place for Valuing freedom, but if it becomes a habitual response It means you're in all likelihood avoidant that you avoid normal human connection And that usually is not a formula for a winning life But there is certainly time and a place for resignation or moving away, you know Moving away from danger Moving away from something that's dangerous for you because you may have various addictions, you know Moving away from people in situations who are bad for you Just give up. So I want to talk about all three of the so I was up at 3 a.m. All right And so I started moving into mastery all right spiritual practices my you know religious practices my my physical practices my Strain counter strain physical therapy. I was doing some planks some exercises some, you know strength exercises I've you know largely gotten rid of my golfer's elbow Uh, I was you know watching Australia. So that was just you know a bit of fun I I was you know learning things that I want to write about that I want to talk about on these live streams So developing mastery in the first few hours of my day before I start having to earn a living These things and I talk about how they resolve this anxiety and how Taking one of those And the chest says I'd like to hear you read some of those old love letters Well, unfortunately, unfortunately, I did not Did not keep them but uh You can you can get a sense Of my inner life looking at my my fiction. Have you guys have you guys read my my poetry? Have you read my? Have you read my fiction? So my fiction came from a real place. So here I'll throw Throw a link. So this is this is kind of what's going on my favorite group is a supply. So You know that that tells you the Australian group Pop group that had so many, you know hits in the early 1980s. That's been my favorite group, you know throughout my life So that tells you about my tendencies towards love addiction. So I met this girl Rachel in 1984 when I moved to Gladstone, Australia And uh four years later fall of 1988. I was just beginning UCLA I had a head full of calculus and I paused to reminisce this brunette I met in Gladstone, Australia in the last few months of 1984 And I begin with a few lyrics from the song by the cars drive who's going to pay attention to your Dreams who's going to plug there is when you scream who's going to drive you home tonight Four years later. It still hits me hard Piercing my skin and clawing at my heart. The effect is always the same whether I'm flying 800 miles per hour over the Pacific Ocean hurtling my Volkswagen bug along the snowy interstate 80 across the Sierra Nevada mountain range covering the San Francisco 49ers versus The Dallas Cowboys at candlestick park or dancing my mind to sleep on the crowded floor of a Californian nightclub Drive by the cars is about the only thing that knocks me off scheduled these days Jarring econometric formula out of my mind the three minutes of 50 seconds life no longer reduces to differential calculus for three minutes In 50 seconds, I question and doubt is there more to life than sex and success More than three minutes of 50 seconds My mind washes with memories of walking along the Gladstone Wharf in sport town tropical Australia 1984 with her Rachel a phantom of delight sweet 16 and shy She had black shoulder length here short on the sides and on top a la the movie flash dance Walk past her every day at 5 18 p.m closing time. So I've just finished my shift at gga calls, which was a Sub set of a kmart in australia. I'd smile and joke with her She'd look up at me She'd giggle that her mother would come by and she'd pick up Rachel and a twin sister lian and take them home So I'd spend my days composing witty sayings to lay upon Rachel sometimes they jumbled But Rachel pretended not to notice it took me several weeks to work out the courage to ask her out One Friday knowing that my brother paul would be away all weekend that I'd have the car resort to invite Russia Rachel to dinner and dancing that evening So shoot out of work at 5 15 p.m rush out the street to talk to her at half a block away However, I see that her mother was there early can only wave as Rachel rode away So once home I stormed through the phone book and found four families with Rachel's last name I caught each in vain my house was empty. This was one evening. I would not be alone I shouted I dressed I drove back to glass and I resolved to lose my troubles in the smoke and noise of the shanghai disco As I drove the radio played my song drenching me in questions. Rachel Rachel Who's going to drive you home tonight? I came into town with the irrational thought that I was going to see tonight the rational side of my brain said No way She was too young to get into the shanghai disco knew nothing else in glass of the night that might attract her The disco was packed. I disappeared easily into the mass of moving bodies merging it last into a little corner over Looking the dance floor. I found a friend Sue Scott my brother's new girlfriend He had a left to behind on his weekend joint to the great capitol island resort Just a special trip for the soccer team. Paula told her He told me that taking sue to great capitol island would be like taking cold glats and sue said she understood But she didn't we found a table. We sat talking. She was drinking heavily She needed a little stimulus to spill her pain I sit there hour after hour listening to her problems watching her face feed in and out of the smoke and the flashing lights By 11 p.m. We were both feeling miserable needing a break from the noise and the garish atmosphere I walk out of the disco into the calm spring night. I walk alone Familiar feeling to me to this day past my brother's real estate office past rachel's law office All the way down gondon street until businesses turned into homes I circle back walking quickly to try to get rachel off my mind then out of a coffee shop She came she walked 50 yards in front of me with a female friend rachel could not see me in the darkness But I could see her silhouetted against street lights Oh, what was it? You said mr. Wordsworth a dancing shape an image gay to haunt to startle and waylay With the phantom of delight just ahead of me. I could hardly breathe. I listened to her laugh with a friend I could smell her perfume. She was so sweet. So innocent. So right there's too much I fled across the street and tried to walk away from it. Oh, look heard a cry my name She smiled at me. She beckoned across the street back to her I walked to her unable to breathe unable to speak she introduced a friend, but I could Only not I fell in with them. We walked down the street past the shanghai disco and onto the gladston harbour She'd seen a play in town afterwards. They had paused for a chocolate milkshake at the coffee shop Our conversation came easily another one of rachel's friends joined us and then we pared off I walked alone with rachel on the wharf. We'd have been glad to talk to her until morning She needed to get home. He's going to drive you home tonight. I asked she laughed She loved that song by the cars too rachel didn't need to call her parents who were taxi cab drivers But I was going to drive her home tonight I made my way and certainly along darkened streets and used to driving on the left side of the road radio played drive I felt fortune smiling on me rachel's white teeth flashed miles at me in the flickering light We stopped outside her home I turned to her and said hey Would you like to come to me with a party hosted by suscott tomorrow night She said she would before she left she wrote a phone number on the only piece of paper I had a spearmint gun wrapper which I still cherish well I did in 1988 did not cuss kiss or even hug her good night I felt no need the promise future promise complete satisfaction Well that promise quickly shattered her parents forced her to cancel a date because they had confused the name of the host of this party Another woman in town who had a bad reputation next weekend. I call up rachel Can't reach her so I ended up asking out her twin sister lee and a vivacious personality in her own night So we spend an active evening evening together eating drinking swimming around 11 p.m We walk beside the harbor where we meet rachel and her date. We all laugh lianna and I move on I take you to tenon sands beach. We sit on the beach as the sun rises I never got to go out with either of them again. They found other men Okay back to the serious stuff three paths puts us to sleep Because yeah, so we have all these habitual responses. All right and any of these responses love seeking freedom or seeking mastery or great responses, but sometimes I pursue love when I should be pursuing mastery and sometimes I pursue mastery when I should pursue freedom and resignation and sometimes I pursue resignation when I should pursue love So we want to be mindful about what our most habitual path is out of anxiety Every path that we take puts us into a trance and that's what gurjeef was so great at talking Right. So if we just act habitually we we go through life in a trance and We want to wake up and be alive and become more aware of our choices and make sure that they are serving us How is that working for you? It's a great dr. Phil question, but it really is a good question Talking about he says that that we have to all realize that we're all asleep dreaming that we're awake But we cannot wake up with this with the information that put us into the trance at first This is where we need new information and new experience to start waking up And sometimes that's really stimulated and evoked and provoked from pain We talk about in the big book is hitting the bottom So I've been going through the archives of my blog gotta find this post where my father says you'll only learn through pain I he just saw my Ineffective ways at reacting to life responding to life going about life Ineffective ways that I talked to people and treated people and he's he tried to you know, steer me straight Kept saying you can't talk to girls the same way you talk to boys You have to be more careful about how you speak to people who have power over you or they will hurt you And uh at a certain point he kind of it didn't fully gave give up But he partly gave up and he just started relapsing into the refrain you'll only learn through pain You'll only learn through pain and dad government. He was right I only learned through pain most people only End a 12 step or end a therapy when things seriously go wrong in their lives. They you know only learn through pain Where's that blog post man? So let's take the appeal of love first, right? What she called moving towards Well, this person resolves that anxiety about being loved and accepted because they believe that if they can just find someone to love them And that they can love That their life is going to be okay For this person love carries a very very magical quality to it If you're able to find that special one and this person don't have fantasies about that finding that You know soulmate finding that one person that's going to understand you That's going to be there for you that you're going to be able to make happy That's so intoxicating when you when you get a taste of this I don't know about you. It's just seem to make all my anxiety go away But of course that you know fairly quickly fades Uh various women who were just incredibly loving and doting Uh within a few weeks or a few months They they were so Low functioning. They started to feel like a millstone around my neck. Well, just I'm thinking of one in particular be And by making them happy and fulfilling all their needs that you're going to be complete So the desire to please overrides everything else Which means that we have to get rid of our own needs because I can't be everything you need me to be if I have any needs myself So remember last time I told Right, so if you become you know too obsessed with loving people you won't take adequate care of yourself You won't meet your responsibilities and you won't devote enough attention to mastery Then I you know, I often get up to a m3 a m4 a m typically by six o'clock. You know, I am done I'm for clamped. I am you know tired It's time to start moving into resignation So when I finish this show I need to work out I need to do my pull-ups and my push-ups and my weights and my exercise bike But then by about 8 p.m. Right definitely time for resignation and chill and just you know watch An episode or two of cheers and go off to sleep So certainly the last hour or two of the day is the time for just resignation Talked about the fragmentation of of our personality Well in this case I have to deny my needs so that I can be available for yours And there's certainly a time and a place to ignore your own needs to take care of other people All right, I volunteer several hours a week between five to 15 hours a week You know, I put other people's needs ahead of mine But you can you know go way too far with that as well So for example in under owners anonymous, they're quite skeptical about volunteering debtors anonymous strongly encourages volunteering so it often leads to making connections and Getting work and you know finding new paths to prosperity but under owners anonymous is quite skeptical of volunteering because a lot of under owners habitually you know over volunteer rather than developing mastery and taking good care of themselves so The typical person I read in a paper by one economist is 95 selfish So I kind of aim for about 90 selfish life So I think if you can get a life that's 90 to 95 selfish then you're ahead of the game You're less selfish than the average person So I will become desensitized to my wants and I will become hyper vigilant of what you want I will know what you want before you even know it Right, so often women are like this and then they get often get mad at men You know, why why aren't you as aware of what I want? as you know, I am of what you want and a great male answer is If I was as aware Of these things as you are, you know, I would be off to hold down a job and Earn the money to bring home the bacon and pay the bills Right. There's only so much processing powder power that you know, we have in our brains My father would often forget my name He'd often forget the names of all of his kids Because he was so devoted to his career to his cause to you know saving the world for Jesus Christ and That comes at a price, right? You know, my father was very dedicated to his career to his preaching and teaching his writing his scholarship His uh, good news unlimited foundation But that you know by putting that first, right that came that came at the price of His family like, you know, a lot of people put Put their family first, but then that will come at at a price of Of your career, right? You can't can't put everything First, right? We have to make make some decisions here They're keeping an eye on the republican debate. If anything happens, we'll we'll cut to it Is the kind of thing that happens with this? I will anticipate everything and if I fail you, I am going to feel a great deal of shame and A chat says I'm amazed how little sleep you can get away with. Well, I'm typically in bed by about 9 p.m. Typically up about 3 a.m. So I'd say I get probably Five hours of sleep. I do not set my alarm at 3 a.m. I do not intend to get up at 2 a.m. 3 a.m. 1 30 a.m. It just happens that way because there are various projects that I am working on. I want to Pull together my rules for life. My principles for decoding reality. My best blog post perhaps turned them into a book But develop them, hone them, hire an editor to make them better, combine them, you know, move them together, rearrange them, hone my arguments, you know, correct mistakes, factual, logical, philosophical, moral. I just want to, you know, get down How I see the world and make it as sharp and clear and as effective as possible. So that inspires me. So I can't wait to get up at 1 a.m. 2 a.m. 3 a.m. Like I am jonesing to get up and to get to work and If I could occasionally I get to sleep till 5 a.m. And I'm thrilled, right? I'd be thrilled to sleep till 6 a.m. Or 7 a.m. It just never happens because I'm just so excited going through life Now I couldn't do this if I wasn't enjoying my life, right? I spend a lot of time around people I love and people who love me And then when I'm not around them, I've got projects that I love. I love what I'm doing right now. I love, you know, working on my best blog post You know, I love developing my ideas about how I understand the world my my rules for life You know, what are the most important ideas? Maybe develop a list of my top 10 blog posts. All right. That that excites me So if I wasn't doing things that excite me and if I wasn't around people who excite me and if I didn't have a life that excited me then I would definitely Need more sleep. I'm not deliberately starving myself of sleep Right. I would sleep longer if I could it's just that I love going You know, going through my life right now. I just want is, you know, jam as much of it as possible It's very rare that I yawn during the day. So no more than once a week. Perhaps once every two weeks I went four days without coffee. Then I had two cups of coffee today. So that's probably why I've got, you know, a little extra energy If I can sleep in till close to 4 a.m. Then you know, definitely don't need any coffee So I try to go several days without coffee and then have a day or two where I indulge Anxiety because if you don't love me, there's going to be serious trouble in my life. It's going to prove Okay, Elliot Blatt says all of my anxiety revolves around money, but that's just the symptom Right. What's underneath that right? What's underneath that is a lack of energy What's underneath that is a lack of sense, perhaps of being after master life a lack of sense being after live up To adult responsibilities and to thrive a lack of a sense that you know, you are Adaptively Expertly efficiently effectively and gracefully, you know, moving through life and living up to your abilities and so This is just the symptom the fear of money All right, it is just the thing that distracts you from the real problem You are so smart Elliot Blatt that if lack of money Was the problem then you would fix it But lack of money is just the thing that stands out for you and distracts you from the much deeper problems of Perhaps anxiety depression lack of connection lack of feeling like you're You know living life to the full A deep gnawing sense that life is passing you by the chances for normal human wholeness and connection are you know just missing you and and this haunting fear is probably what's underneath the The open explicit anxiety about money Provoke and reconnect me with all of that anxiety that happened originally that sent me off in this direction So every relationship that we have especially those that lack of money leads to homelessness now lack of Life that works leads to a lack of money right if you love other people Right, you cannot help but be prosperous. You love other people Seek to serve other people Right, you cannot help but be prosperous a lack of money is a symptom of an unwillingness and inability inability and awkwardness With being a service to other people Once your mind and your heart and your physiology and your soul and your spirit have rearranged so that you Look forward to serving other people prosperity flows from that homelessness poverty debt under earning these are all symptoms of a disconnected life a fundamental selfishness A a gaping psychic wound that is getting in the way of normal human functioning a normal person Looks forward to being helpful to other people But if your psychic wounds your spiritual Psychological childhood wounds are so enormous that you were just walking around wounded All right, you've got some you know giant wound in you and the psychological blood is gushing out All you can do is be obsessed with that wound Just like if you had a literal wound in you all you could do is be obsessed with that wound So if you were wounded you're going to be obsessed with that wound And until you find a way to staunch the psychic bleeding Right until you fill that hole in your soul, you cannot help but be obsessed with your wounds which Prevents you from joyfully happily Normally naturally seeking to be of service to others and when you're normally naturally healthily and happily seek to be of service for others Prosperity flows from that and a considerable reduction in anxiety as you learn to form normal human connections And when you have a problem you can turn to your normal human connections and get advice and guidance and overcome things That you couldn't overcome on your own because a group strategy almost always Out competes an individualist strategy But instead if you got this guy gaping psychic wound and you suffer a bump in the road All right, you're very likely to retreat into the cave and then various normal You know adult obligations you have you may just blow them off You may not even send a text saying hey, I'm sick. I can't make it you just blow off normal human relationships normal adult obligations Which makes you even more desperate more alone more wounded more screwed up more dysfunctional More in debt more under running and these things just spiral on top of each other That are significant important to us Have so much we have when I serve others. They take advantage of me. No When you seek to staunch your psychic wounds by inordinately pursuing You know service of others going after others loving others in the hope that they will then take care of you You're trying to take emotional hostages Right. You're going about it in a in a very unhealthy way, but you're justifying it yourself. I'm just trying to serve others I'm just trying to love other people. I'm just trying to be helpful. I'm just trying to be the good guy here Well, what's really going on is you're trying to take emotional hostages and and Manipulate people so that they will then take care of you And if I just do this for this person if I just do this for this person If I just do this for this person then they will meet my needs and finally I'll start getting my needs taken care of If I just take this person emotionally as an emotional hostage Well, it doesn't work out that way Right. Sometimes you know pursuing love of other people is a maladaptive response You should instead be pursuing mastery of yourself of life of your skills or even freedom and resignation So much investment in them and there's so much at risk So it creates a tremendous amount of tension Especially if early Elliott could make a connection with the person that whole foods making your sandwiches The mighty pox says my money concerns are definitely related to not having useful skills I have a good job, but I'm a middle manager Maybe my friends who are software developers are the greatest skill you can have is normal human connection All right, if people enjoy you people love you people like you if people want you around the world will open up to you and What determines your ability to develop human connections if people feel good from interacting with you But a lot of people are awkward when you interact with someone who's awkward You will feel icky and you want to minimize your interactions with that person if you interact with people who are Off-key who needlessly inappropriate cruel socially malignant