 I'm Olive Soph, your beauty hope and luster cream shampoo for soft, glamorous, carousel-able hair Bring you our Miss Brooke starring Eve Arden Who teaches English at Madison High School is as fond of sports as most of us But somehow basketball was never one of her favorites. It isn't that I don't like basketball. I just hate it This aversion started when I was refereeing a game in teachers college and in the excitement I swallowed the whistle Of course, it was only a small whistle, but it gets pretty embarrassing when every time you hiccup traffic stops Anyway last Wednesday morning, Mrs. Davis my landlady woke me a full hour earlier than usual She told me that Walter Denton, the manager of the basketball team, was waiting to see me in the living room If I could have had one free throw, I'd have thrown him out and gone back to sleep But Mrs. Davis wouldn't let me. Come on now, Connie. The boy seems very concerned about something. You've got to see him. Oh, all right, Mrs. Davis. Where's my robe? I sent it out to the laundry, Connie. Here I brought you on a mind to wear. This was part of my trousseau I took it along on my honeymoon. Oh, we had a wonderful honeymoon. Just you and the bathrobe? No, my husband was along. Heavens, didn't people talk? You just love this robe. It's beautiful material, isn't it? Lovely. What is it exactly, Mrs. Davis? Ostrich feathers over seersucker? No, dear, it's satin. And that big feather boy is worn around the neck. Here, slip it on. There. Now you throw this boa around your neck. So, how do you like it, Connie? Very tasty. Come on out into the living room, Connie. Walter's anxious to talk to you. All right. But I don't know why he has to drop around in the middle of the night like this. Here we are, Walter. While you're chatting in this, Brooks, I'll fix us all a bite of breakfast. Oh, thanks, Mrs. Davis. Greetings, Miss Brooks. What brings you out so early, Paul Revere? British want their colonies back? Normally, your witticisms would tickle my rizabilites, Miss Brooks. But this morning, I've got to talk to you about something that's... Where did you go? This boa just blew across my face. What's your problem this morning? Well, it's not really my problem, Miss Brooks. That is, it isn't my personal problem. But as the manager of the basketball team, I'm in big trouble. Is something wrong with the team, Walter? Oh, not the whole team, Miss Brooks. It's... Well, it's just stretch. All right. There, now what's the trouble? No, you don't understand, Miss Brooks. Stretch is our star player. One of the best forwards we've ever had. And he may not be eligible for the big game with Clay City High tonight. And that's why you've got to get in there and pitch. Well, I'd love to help out, Walter, but I'm afraid my middy blouse and bloomers must be moth-eaten by now. Now, here's what... Better blow again, Miss Brooks. It's back. Thanks, Walter. I mean, I think breakfast nook you too. Everything's ready. Coming, Mrs. Davis. We can continue this later on, Walter. Come on. Let's eat. Well, I had breakfast before I left the house. Oh, then would you rather wait in the living room? Oh, no. That was over half hour ago. Hi, Mrs. Davis. Where do you want me to sit? Oh, just sit right down here on my left, Walter. There. Now, would you like some eggs after you've eaten your oatmeal? Well, as I just told Miss Brooks, I already had some eggs and oatmeal at home. Oh, I see. So I'll just have some French toast. You must come over for dinner some night after you've had dinner. I'll make you some in the jiffy. Just drink your juice meantime. Say, this orange juice tastes rather peculiar. Now, that's because you're drinking it through that boa. Better blow again. Thanks. Now, to get back to my dilemma, Miss Brooks. Couldn't we delay him after breakfast, Walter? I'm sorry to bother you like this, but I'm afraid it's imperative. You see, Mr. Conklin's made a rule that anybody who fails a subject is ineligible for any sports until he's passed the first test of the new semester in the subject which he failed and stretch failed last term. So? So, with a teacher's stretch as in English who's giving him the test this term, he doesn't stand a chance of passing. Who has he in English? Oh, Lady Enright. I mean Miss Enright. Well, I'm sure Miss Enright's a very capable teacher. Well, here we are, some nice French toast. I made it from a famous Turkish recipe. A Turkish recipe? Yes. The Turks are famous for their French toast, you know. They are? Of course they are, Walter. You should taste their Chinese cum quads. Can I help you, Walter? I don't want to stuff myself, Mrs. Davis. Those three pieces on the end will be plenty. And now about Miss Enright. You know, I don't think it's fair for her to give stretch a test. I heard she was jilted by a basketball player years ago. Walter, you shouldn't talk that way about Miss Enright. Just because someone doesn't reciprocate the affection of someone who's fond of them doesn't make the person who's fond of someone a monster. And I got that sentence from an old Turkish recipe. Same as Brooks. Speaking of someone not reciprocating someone's affection, have you heard from Mr. Boynton lately? Ouch! Get those punches up, Walter. Let's forget about Mr. Boynton for now. Just what is it you want me to do? Well, I was talking this over with Harriet Conklin, and we decided to get Stretch transferred out of Miss Enright's class. Of course, this means somebody's got to work on Harriet's old man. Look, Walter, Harriet's father happens to be our principal. You will kindly refer to him as Mr. Conklin. Oh, sorry, Miss Brooks. Well, Harriet and I and Stretch are supposed to meet at school this morning. That's why I'm here so early. To discuss getting Stretch out of Miss Enright's class and into yours. Into mine? But you know how crowded my class is now. Every time I enter my room, it looks like payoff night at a pyramid club. Oh, come on, Miss Brooks. We got to hurry down to school and meet Harriet. There must be a way to get Stretch into your class so you can give him the test. While I, as manager of the team, sit across the aisle from him and give him moral support. Are you sure that's all you'd give him? Oh, I just want Stretch to feel at home. He's not very good in English. And, well, with me there, maybe get more confidence. Confidence based on the mere proximity to one which in the same subject has always flourished so startlingly. If anybody sits near Stretch, it better be Harriet. She at least speaks English. But she's so honest in tests. I mean, she has the most peculiar way of holding her left hand when she's writing down answers. That's all you can see as her elbow. Oh, not that I ever tried to copy from her. Oh, no, of course not. It was just a coincidence that after the final exams last term your neck was so far out of joint you looked like a Balinese dancer. No, Alder, as much as I'd like to help you kids, I can. And the less I see of Mr. Conklin for a while, the better. But why, Miss Brooks? Because Mr. Conklin holds me responsible for what happened last week. Remember? The fire in Mr. Boynton's laboratory, started when the circuit was overloaded after I plugged in an electric heater that belonged to Mr. Conklin. And then the fireman had to tear down the wall when they thought Mr. Conklin was stuck in the heater vent, which he wasn't, because he was locked in the stock room when I slammed the door on him by accident. And whose fault was that? Yours. That's what I like, a nice orderly mind. Come on. While Stretch on the team will probably lose the biggest game of the year. But what can I do about it? Well, I told you, Miss Brooks, you can work on Harriet's old man. Walter, I told you not to use that expression. Okay, Mr. Conklin. But gosh, other kids have been transferred to other classes? Yes, but not for such a thin reason. Just to win a basketball game is no reason. But this is a clay city game. And it wouldn't be so bad if the coach hadn't taken sick yesterday. The coach is sick too? Desperately. This is the saddest thing since humor-esque. Fortunately, we have an ex-basketball star teaching here who's been made temporary coach. But it would just break his heart if he lost his first game. Who is this coach, Harriet? Mr. Boynton. Mr. Boynton? Are you sure? Positive. Well, don't stand there, girl. We've got to go to work on your old man. Look, starring Eve Arden will continue in just a moment. But first, here is Vern Smith. Want to win $49,000 in cash? That's right. $49,000 in cash. The first prize offered by the makers of palmale soap in their big, exciting 49 gold rush contest. Second prize, $4,900. And there are 4,949 other cash prizes. What a chance to win. $100,000 in cash prizes, and it's easy to enter. Simply finish this sentence, I like palmale soap because, in 25 words or less. That's all. Just 25 words or less to finish the sentence, I like palmale soap because. Then mail your entry right away with a palmale soap wrapper. Easy, isn't it? And remember, thousands will strike it rich in this big 49 gold rush contest. Enter as often as you like. Get entry blanks and complete rules from your dealer, or send your entries on plain paper with your name and address and dealer's name and address, plus one palmale wrapper for each entry. Mail to Gold Rush Contest, Box 49, New York 8, New York. You better write that down. Gold Rush Contest, Box 49, New York 8, New York. Get palmale soap right away to help win a lovelier complexion and try for your share of the $100,000 in cash prizes. Well, I realized that some ancient gossip about Miss N. Wright's prejudice against basketball players would never cause Mr. Conklin to give stretch a transfer. But after a brief council of war during study period, I hit upon what seemed like a pretty good plan. I would tell Mr. Conklin that the boy was unhappy in his class because his fellow students were picking on him, as I told Walter and Harriet. In a democratically operated high school, no boy should be forced to remain in surroundings that are not conducive to his getting the most out of the school curriculum. Bravo, Miss Frucks. Bravo. Yeah, bravo. What did you say? Now, when stretch gets here, we'll have to find out just what annoys him the most in his English class. Oh, that's him now. Come in, stretch. Hi, stretch. You know Miss Frucks. Hi. Hi. We haven't too much time, so I'll come right to the point. What bothers you in Miss N. Wright's class? Bothers me? Yeah, they treat you terrible, don't they? The other kids, I mean. The other kids? Your names, don't they? Names? This is the most backward forward I ever met. Look, the kids do call you one name we all know about, stretch. Now, why do you suppose they tack that on you? I don't know. Maybe it's because I weigh 112 pounds and I'm 6'5". Serves me right for getting over the flu last year. Look, we're trying to help you become eligible for the Clay City Game. You want to play in it, don't you? I sure do, Miss Frucks. There isn't anything I wouldn't do to... Well, then keep quiet and listen. Sorry, Walter. Go ahead, Miss Frucks. Well, first of all, I hate nicknames. What's your real name? Fabian Snodgrass. Fabian Snodgrass? That's right. Look, stretch. We really want to help you. The kids here feel that if I give you the exam, you'll stand a better chance of passing. Not that there's going to be any funny business you understand. Oh, I understand perfectly, Miss Frucks. Walter wouldn't want any part of anything that wasn't strictly on the up-and-up. You said it, stretch. You just listen to old Walter and you'll be all right. I always do, don't I, Walter? You're our manager and you always know what's best for all of us. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. And if you don't listen, Walter won't tell you about the rabbits anymore. But let's get back to your scholastic achievements or lack of them. What subjects did you pass last term? All of them, but English. Just barely, but I passed them. And I can't understand why I didn't pass English. I always done my homework very good. Very well. Stretch, isn't it true that you couldn't always do your work properly because of the other pupils harassing you? I ain't never worked near as hard on any subject as I'd done in English, hardly. But it wasn't all your own fault that you failed. There were other students in the class, all kinds of students doing all kinds of things. Yeah, they were a swell bunch of kids, all right. But you know something, Miss Brooks? It wasn't the grammar that done it. No? Then what did done it? Done did it. Who did it? That was everything. It was the composition that made Miss Enright flunk me. We was allowed to pick our own theme. We were allowed to pick our own theme. You used to, huh? Like I said, we could write about anything we wanted. So I got my idea off in the radio. It's not very bright of me to ask, but what kind of a radio idea did you write about? I wrote in 25 words or less, I hate English because. Can I speak to you for a moment? If you know how to speak at all, you can, but if it's permission you want, you may. Sorry, Mr. Conklin, I haven't taken English since I was a girl. But I'd like to request a transfer for one of the students here. He's in Miss Enright's class at the present time. But Miss Brooks, the new term has already started. You know we can't issue any transfers at this late date? Oh, but this case is extraordinary, Mr. Conklin. A boy's life is being made miserable by his classmates. What boy? Fabian snotgrass. They call him all sorts of names. Anything worse than Fabian snotgrass? Well, for one thing they call him stretch. Stretch? What's so terrible about that? I'm sorry, Miss Brooks, I can't do anything for you. But Mr. Conklin, he failed English last term because of the conditions in Miss Enright's class. And if she fails him in his test this term, he won't be eligible for athletics. Athletics? There's too much emphasis on athletics in the school system now. No, Miss Brooks, the boy stays where he is. Come in. Well, hello, O.C., I... Oh, I'm sorry, didn't know you were busy. Oh, come in, J.B., come in. Miss Brooks, this is Jason Brill, principal of Play City High. How do you do, Mr. Brill? How do you do, Miss Brooks? What brings you all the way to Madison, J.B.? Well, everything's running so smoothly at Play City, I thought I'd drop over and find out how things were with you. I heard you had a fire over here last week. A fire? Oh, it was nothing at all, really. Oh, indeed. Some teacher just blew a fuse, that's all. Yeah. You got yourself locked in the storeroom, too, didn't you? Uh... You better go into my inner office, if you'll excuse us, Miss Brooks. But I still want to talk to you, Mr. Franklin. I'll talk to you later. Just wait here in my outer office. All right, Mr. Conklin, I'll wait right here. Are you sure I'm not disturbing you, Osgood? That teacher out there, a pretty bit of baggage, isn't she? Yes, she is. I'd like to check her sometime. Well, Osgood, we haven't seen each other since the big Play City Madison High football game. We gave you a good dropping in that one. 79 to nothing, wasn't it? It was not. It was 78 to nothing. But we had a good excuse for losing that one. Yes, I know. Your team showed up. That is nothing to what our basketball team is going to do to you tonight. Why, we should win by 40 points. What? Why, we'll wipe up the gym with you. Are you sure? Are you sure to make a little wager on that, Osgood? I'm not a betting man, and you know it. Oh, come on, Osgood, just to make things interesting. How about a nice new hat to the winner? Well, I do need a new hat. You're on, JB. Fine. Well, I'll be running along now. See you at the game tonight. May the best team from Play City win. Are you having a chance? Oh, are you still here, Miss Brooke? Yes, Mr. Conklin. Well, goodbye, Miss Brooke. Goodbye, Mr. Braille. Oh, and Osgood? Yes. If you want to, you can check out with me sometime. Old reprobate. Now then, Miss Brooks, come to the point. Just what do you want me to do about this, uh... Stretch. Stretch snotgrass. Just because a kid happens to be a star basketball player is no reason for other kids to make fun of him. I'm sorry, Miss Brooks. I can't change the rules in the middle of a semester just on account of some star basketball player. After all, there are other students in this school who... Who did you say star basketball player? Yes, sir. And if he passes a test today, he's eligible for the game tonight? That's right, Mr. Conklin. And your own daughter Harriet and Walter and everybody seems to think that he'll have a better chance if I give him the examination. Miss Brooks, in a democratically operated high school, no boy should be forced to remain in surroundings that are not conducive to his getting the most out of the school curriculum. I'll have him transferred at once. Uh, there's just one thing I insist on. Yes, Mr. Conklin? The test must be absolutely impartial. At Madison, we have just one standard procedure, one examination. With liberty and justice for all. Come on, Walter. There's Mr. Boynton. Okay, Harriet. I have a serious free pack today. Oh, yes, I know. Why don't you sit at this table with me? Now, that's what I call taking the bait. I mean, thanks, Mr. Boynton. We wanted to talk to you before Miss Brooks came up. You see, Stretch is taking his English test in Miss Brooks' free period right after lunch. Oh, but I thought Stretch was in Miss Enright's class. He was, but Daddy transferred him because he doesn't want the boy to be unhappy. Now it's up to us, especially you as basketball coach, to see that Miss Brooks is in a very good mood when she gives him the test. Maybe she'll even let us be there. But what can I do? Well, just be nice. You know, even if she doesn't order salads, spread a little oil around. Always courteous to Miss Brooks? Well, then be more than courteous. Be civil. Well, what my attitude toward Miss Brooks has to do with... She's coming over now. Be terribly nice. Remember, this is the biggest game you'll ever coach. Hello, Mr. Boynton. How do you do, Miss Brooks? How are you, Harriet? Walter? Oh, we're fine, Miss Brooks. Oh, won't you join us? Oh, sit right here by Mr. Boynton. I'll move the chairs closer together. There. Thank you. Now then, what looks good today? You do, Miss Brooks. You look simply lovely. Well, that's high praise coming from you, Walter. It should have come from you, Mr. Boynton. Miss Brooks, if you'll just tell me what you want, I'll go get your tray filled up. I really haven't given it much thought. Well, neither have I. That's one nice thing about having a perfect figure. You can eat anything. Oh, I don't think my fig is so perfect. Not you, Mr. Boynton, Miss Brock. Here, let me wipe off the table in front of you. No, pass me those glasses of water, will you, Walter? Yeah. Thank you. Here's one for you, Miss Brooks. Oh, here, Miss Brooks, take my knives and forks, too. I'm not hungry just yet. I am. I'm starved. I'd eat some roast beef today if it wasn't so expensive. Expensive? What's that got to do with anything? Mr. Boynton's treating you. There goes the water. It must have gone down the wrong pipe. Yeah, the pipe that likes to go Dutch. Look, I appreciate this attention, but there's something I think you all ought to know. What's that? I'm giving Stretch his eligibility test in private. In private? That's right, and if you'll meet me after school, I'll refund all courtesies extended to me during this lunch period. Now, Stretch, you say you've completed the written portion of the examination? Yes, ma'am. Do the best of my ability. I was afraid of that. Well, put the papers to one side and we'll get into the oral test. Oh, excuse me, Miss Brooks. What do you want, Walter? I forgot my rubbers. Oh, don't pay any attention to me, though. Just keep going. Hi, Stretch. Never mind that. Sorry. You're on your own, kid. I'll just look around over here. Well, keep away from Stretch. First question. I just want to commit for a minute, Miss Brooks. For what, Harriet? I lost my fountain pen. I'm sure it's in one of these desks. Oh, you go right ahead, Miss Brooks. Hi, Stretch. Hi, Harriet. Why don't you look over here by me? Cut that out. Where do you think you are? Well, she's pretty. It's a good thing that wasn't one of the test questions. Look, Stretch, you're fond of radio shows. Now, just make believe you're on a quiz program. I beg your pardon, Miss Brooks, but I think I left a book in here. This test should have been given in the Rose Bowl. Hi, Mr. Boynton. Stretch is about to get the oral test. Oh, I'll be very quiet, Miss Brooks. So will Stretch, I'm afraid. But here goes. Question one. Name three plays by William Shakespeare. William who? Shakespeare. He was a tall, thin fellow with a little goatee. Oh, him. Three plays, huh? Maybe I shouldn't look for my rubbers now. Maybe it's just much ado about nothing. Walter. Much ado about nothing? He said it, Miss Brooks. That's one answer right. Go ahead, Stretch. Think of another one. Another one? Don't make any mistakes now. This could easily become a comedy of errors. A comedy of errors? Good for you, Stretch. Now, now, just one more. Mr. Boynton, I'm surprised at you giving a pupil hints and a private test. But, Miss Brooks, I didn't say anything. I'm just brooding for the boy. Oh, well, I guess this is something of a tempest and a teapot. I think I got the third one, Miss Brooks. What is it? Teapot. Would you like to try for tempest? Yeah, tempest. Next question. Where did everybody go? Would you repeat the question, please? Certainly. What plays did Shakespeare write between the two entitled Pericles, Prince of Tyre and Coriolanus? Well, don't stand there. Think, boy. Think! I have the result of both tests written and oral. Good. Good. Just about everything on my desk here. I'm not even going to check these papers, Miss Brooks. I'm that sure of your integrity. Thank you, Mr. Conklin, but as you know, we weren't alone for the test. I never mind that, Miss Brooks. The examination was based on the 100% system? That's right, but every once in a while somebody would... Please, please, Miss Brooks. It's all done with. Passing is 65%, is that correct? Yes, sir. Fine. Now, what was the boy's mark? 39. Miss Brooks, I would like you to jot down my latest ruling on eligibility for athletic activities. Proceed, Mr. Conklin. No student who has previously failed a subject will be eligible for any athletic team if he fails the first two tests in any term. Mr. Conklin, may I say that I have never seen such touching concern for the hopes and ambitions of Madison students? Well, thank you, Miss Brooks. I remember when I was a boy... Oh, and one more thing, Mr. Conklin. Yes? When you get your new hat, wear it in good health. And as always, Miss Brooks returns in just a moment, but first... Dream girl, dream girl, beautiful luster cream girl. Tonight, show him how much lovelier your hair can look after a luster cream shampoo. Only luster cream brings UK Dumas magic formula blend of secret ingredients plus gentle lanolin. Gives loveliness, lather, even in hardest water, glamorizes your hair as you wash it. Luster cream, not a soap, not a liquid, but a dating cream shampoo, leaves hair frequently clean, free of loose dandruff, glistening with sheen, soft, manageable, gives new beauty to all hairdos or permanence. Four ounce jar, one dollar, smaller sizes either tubes or jars. Tonight, try luster cream shampoo and be a... Dream girl, dream girl, beautiful luster cream girl. You owe your crowning glory to a luster cream shampoo. And now, once again, here is our Miss Brooks. Well, we gave the Clay City team a pretty thorough drubbing. And right after the game, I congratulated Mr. Boynton. Honestly, Mr. Boynton, I thought you did a superb job of teaching. Thanks, Miss Brooks. But the kids deserve most of the credit. They played a great game. Yes, they did. You know something, Mr. Boynton? I haven't been so excited at the basketball game since I swallowed a whistle and teaches college. Miss Brooks, that's pretty serious. What did you do about it? Nothing. But I intend to see a doctor about it. One of these days. So, brought to you by Parmalic Soap, Your Beauty Hope and Luster Cream Shampoo for soft, glamorous, caressible hair. Our Miss Brooks, starring by Larry Burns, written and directed by Al Lewis with music by Wilbur Hatch. View Shave with a Lather or Brushless Shave Cream. Parmalive Shaving Cream comes both ways. And whichever way you prefer to shave, you'll find that using either Parmalive Brushless or Parmalive Lather Shaving Cream can bring you more comfortable, actually smoother shaves. Here's the proof. 2,548 men tried the new Parmalive Waiter Shave, described on the tube. And no matter how they had shaved before, 3 out of every 4 got more comfortable, actually smoother shaves. Get Parmalive Brushless or Parmalive Lather Shaving Cream today. For mystery liberally sprinkled with laughs, listen to Mr. and Mrs. North. Tune in Tuesday evenings over most of these same stations. And be with us again next week at this same time for another comedy episode of Our Miss Brooks. Bob LeMond speaking. This is CDF, the Columbia Broadcasting System.