 CHAPTER 10 OF THE HOME AND THE WORLD This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recorded by Valli. The Home and the World by Rabindranath Tagore. Translated by Surrendranath Tagore. CHAPTER 10 NICHOLS STORY I learnt from my master that Sandeep had joined forces with Harish Kundu and there was to be a grand celebration of the worship of the demon-destroying goddess. Harish Kundu was extracting expenses from his tenetry. Pandit Kaviratna and Vidya Vagish had been commissioned to compose a hymn with a double meaning. My master has just had a passage at arms with Sandeep over this. Evolution is at work amongst the gods as well, says Sandeep. The grandson has to remodel the gods created by the grandfather to suit his own taste or else he is left an atheist. It is my mission to modernize the ancient dities. I am born the savior of the gods to emancipate them from the thralldom of the past. I have seen from our boyhood what a juggler with ideas is Sandeep. He has no interest in discovering truth but to make a quizzical display of it rejoices his heart. Had he been born in the wilds of Africa, he would have spent a glorious time inventing argument after argument to prove that cannibalism is the best means of promoting true communion between man and man. But those who deal in delusion end by deluding themselves and I fully believe that each time Sandeep creates a new fallacy he persuades himself that he has found the truth however contradictory his creations may be to one another. However I shall not give a helping hand to establish a liquor distillery in my country. The young men who are ready to offer their services for their country's cause must not fall into this habit of getting intoxicated. The people who want to exact work by drugging methods set more value on excitement than on the minds they intoxicate. I had to tell Sandeep in Bimala's presence that he must go. Perhaps both will impute to me the wrong motive. But I must free myself also from all fear of being misunderstood. Let even Bimala misunderstand me. A number of Mohammedan preachers are being sent over from Dhaka. The Muslims in my territory had come to have almost as much of an aversion to killing of cows as the Hindus. But now cases of cow killing are cropping up here and there. I had been used first from some of my Muslim maintenance with expressions of their disapproval. Here was a situation which I could see would be difficult to meet. At the bottom was a pretense of fanaticism which would cease to be a pretense if obstructed. That is just where the ingenuity of the move came in. I sent for some of my principal Hindu tenants and tried to get them to see the matter in its proper light. We can be staunch in our own convictions, I said. But we have no control over those of others. For all that many of us are Vaishnavas, those of us who are Shaktas, go on with their animal sacrifices just the same. That cannot be helped. We must in the same way let the Muslims do as they think best. So please refrain from all disturbance. Maharaja replied, these outrages have been unknown for so long. That was so, I said, because such was their spontaneous desire. Let us behave in such a way that the same may become true over again. But a breach of the peace is not the way to bring this about. No Maharaja insisted. Those good old days are gone. This will never stop unless you put it down with a strong hand. Oppression, I replied, will not only prevent cow killing, it may lead to the killing of men as well. One of them had had an English education. He had learned to repeat the phrases of the day. It is not only a question of orthodoxy, he argued. These countries mainly agricultural and cows are buffaloes in this country are interrupted. Likewise, give milk and are used for plowing. Therefore, so long as we dance frantic dances on our temple pavements smeared with dead blood, their severed heads carried on our shoulders, religion will only laugh at us if the quarrel with Muslims in her name. And nothing but the quarrel itself will remain true. If the cow alone is to be held sacred from slaughter and not the buffalo, then that is by godry not religion. But are you not aware, sir, of what is behind all this? Pursue the English-knowing tenant. This has only become possible because the Muslim is assured of safety even if he breaks the law. Have you not heard of the Pachur case? Why is it possible, I asked, to use the Muslims thus as tools against us? Is it not because we have fashioned them into such with our own intolerance? That is how Providence punishes us, our accumulated sins are being visited on our own heads. Oh, well, if that be so, let them be visited on us, but we shall have a revenge. We have undermined what was the greatest strength of the authorities, their devotion to their own laws. Once their truly kings dispense injustice, now they themselves will become lawbreakers, and so no better than robbers. This may not go down to history, but we shall carry it in our hearts for all time. Civil reports about me which are spreading from paper to paper are making me notorious. Use comes that my effigy has been burnt at the riverside burning ground of the Chakravartis with due ceremony and enthusiasm, and other insults are in contemplation. The trouble was that they had come to ask me to take share in a cotton mill they wanted to start. I had to tell them that I did not so much mind the loss of my own money, but I would not be a party to causing a loss to so many poor shareholders. Are we to understand, Maharaja said, my visitors, that the prosperity of the country does not interest you? Industry may lead to the country's prosperity, I explained, but Amir's desire for its prosperity will not make for success in industry. Even when our heads were cool, our industries did not flourish. Why should we suppose that they will do so just because we have become frantic? Why not so plainly that you will not risk your money? I will put in my money when I see that it is industry which prompts you, but because you have lighted a fire, it does not follow that you have the food to cook over it. What is this? Our Chauka sub-treasury looted? A remittance of 7,500 rupees was due from there to headquarters. The local cashier had changed the cash at the government treasury into small currency notes for convenience in carrying and had kept them ready in bundles. In the middle of the night an armed band had raided the room and wounded Karasim, the man in guard. The curious part of it was that they had taken only 6,000 rupees and left the rest scattered on the floor, though it would have been as easy to carry that away also. Anyhow, the raid of the decoys was over, now the police raid would begin. Peace was out of question. When I went inside, I found the news had travelled before me. What a terrible thing, brother, exclaimed the Bararani, whatever shall we do? I made light of the matter to reassure her. We still have something left, I said with a smile. We shall manage to get along somehow. Don't joke about it, brother dear. Why aren't they also angry with you? Kind of humor then. Why put everybody out? I cannot let the country go to rack and dune, even if that would please everybody. That was a shocking thing they did at the burning grounds. It's a horrid shame to treat you so. The Chotarani has got rid of all her fears by dint of the English woman's teaching, but as for me, I had to send for the priest to evert the omen before I could get any peace of mind. For my sake dear, do get away to Calcutta. I tremble to think what they may do if you stay on here. My sister-in-law's genuine anxiety touched me deeply. And brother, she went on. Did I not warn you it was not well to keep so much money in your room? They might get wind of it any day. It is not the money, but who knows? To calm her, I promised to remove the money to the treasury at once and then get it away to Calcutta with the first escort going. We went together to my bedroom. The dressing room door was shut. When I knocked, Bimala called out, I'm dressing. I wondered the Chotarani exclaimed my sister-in-law. Dressing so early in the day? One of their Band-e-Madhra meetings I suppose. Robert Queen? She called out in jest to Bimala. Are you counting the spoils inside? I will et in to the money a little later, I said, as I came away to my office room outside. I found the police inspector waiting for me. In the trace of the decoys, I asked. I have my suspicions. And whom? Qasim, the guard. Qasim? But was him a wounded? Amir nothing. A flesh wound on the leg. Probably self-inflicted. But I cannot bring myself to believe it. He is such a trusted servant. He may have trusted him, but that does not prevent his being a thief. Have I not seen men trusted for twenty years together suddenly developing? Even if it was so, I could not send him to go all. But why should he have left the rest of the money lying about? To put us off the scent, whatever you may say, Maharaja, he must be an old hand at the game. He mounts guard during his watch right enough, but I feel sure he has a finger in all the decoy trees going on the neighbourhood. With this, the inspector proceeded to recount the various methods by which it was possible to be concerned in a decoy tea twenty or thirty miles away and yet be back in time for duty. Have you brought Qasim here? I asked. No, was the reply. He is in the lock-up. The magistrate is due for the investigation. How will you see him? I said. When I went to his cell, he fell at my feet, weeping. In God's name, he said, I swear I do not do this thing. I do not doubt you, Qasim. I assured him. They can do nothing to you if you are innocent. Qasim, however, was unable to give a coherent account of the incident. He was obviously exaggerating. Four or five hundred men, big guns, numberless swords, figured in his narrative. It must have been either his disturbed state of mind or a desire to account for his easy defeat. He would have it that this was Harish Kundu's doing. He was even sure he had heard the voice of Ekram, the head retainer of the Kundus. Look here, Qasim. I had to warn him. Don't you be dragging other people in with your stories. You are not called upon to make out a case against Harish Kundu or anybody else. On returning home, I asked my master to come over. He shook his head greatly. I see no good in this, said he, this setting aside of conscience and putting the country in its place. All the sins of the country will now break out hideous and unashamed. Who do you think could have? Don't ask me, but sin is rampant. Send them all away, right away from here. I have given them one more day. They will be leaving the day after tomorrow. And another thing, take Bimla away to Calcutta. She is getting too narrow a view of the outside world from here. She cannot see men and things in their true proportions. Let her see the world, men and their work. Give her broad vision. That is exactly what I was thinking. Well, don't make any delay about it. I tell you, Nikhil, man's history has to be built by the united effort of all the races in the world. And therefore this selling of conscience for political reasons this making a fetish of one's country won't do. I know that Europe does not at heart admit this. But there she has not the right to pose as our teacher. Men who die for the truth become immortal. And if a whole people can die for the truth it will also achieve immortality in the history of humanity. Here, in this land of India, amid the mocking laughter of satan piercing the sky, made a feeling for this truth become real. What a terrible epidemic of sin has been brought into our country from foreign lands. The whole day passed in the turmoil of investigation. I was tired out when I retired for the night. I left over sending my sister-in-law's money to the treasury till next morning. I woke up from my sleep at the dead of night. The room was dark. I thought I heard a morning somewhere. Somebody must have been crying. Sounds of sobbing came heavy with tears like fitful gusts of wind in the rainy night. It seemed to me that the cry rose from the heart of my room itself. I was alone. For some days, Mimala had her bed in another room adjoining mine. I rose up and when I went out I found her in the balcony lying prone with her face on the bare floor. This is something that cannot be written in words. He only knows it who sits in the bosom of the world and receives all its pangs in his own heart. The sky is dumb. The stars are mute. The night is still and in the midst of it all that one sleepless cry. We give these suffering names that are good according to the classifications of the books. But this agony which is welling up from a torn heart pouring into the fathomless dark. Has it any name? When in that midnight standing under the silent stars I looked upon that figure my mind was struck with awe and I said to myself, Who am I to judge her? O life, O death, O God of the infinite existence I bow my head in silence to the mystery which is in you. Once I thought I should turn back but I could not. I sat down on the ground near Bimala and placed my hand on her head. At the first touch her whole body seemed to stiffen but the next moment the hardness gave way and the tears burst out. I gently passed my fingers over her forehead. Suddenly her hands groping for my feet grasped them and drew them to herself pressing them against her breast with such force that I thought her heart would break. Bimala's story Amulia is due to return from Calcutta this morning. I told the servants to let me know as soon as he arrived but could not keep still. At last I went outside to await him in a sitting room. When I sent him off to sell the jewels I must have been thinking only of myself. It never even crossed my mind that so young a boy trying to sell such valuable jewelry would at once be suspected. So helpless are we women. We need must place on others the burden of our danger. When we go to our death we drag down those who are about us. I have said with pride that I would save Amulia as if she who was drowning could save others but instead of saving him I have sent him to his doom. My little brother, such a sister have I been to you that death must have smiled on that brother's day when I gave you my blessing. I who wandered distracted with the burden of my own ill doing. I feel today that man is at times attacked with evil as with the plague. Some germ finds it way in from somewhere and then in the space of one night death stalks him. Why cannot the stricken one be kept far away from the rest of the world? I at least have realized how terrible is the contagion like a fury torch which burns that it may set the world on fire. It struck nine. I could not get rid of the idea that Amulia was in trouble that he had fallen into the clutches of the police. There must be great excitement in the police office. Whose are the jewels? Where did he get them? And in the end I shall have to furnish the answer in public before all the world. What is that answer to be? Your day has come at last, Bararani you whom I have so long despised. You in the shape of the public, the world, will have your revenge. Oh God save me this time and I will cast all my pride at my sister-in-law's feet. I could bear it no longer. I went straight to the Bararani. She was in the baranda, spicing her betel leaves, Thaco at her side. The sight of Thaco made me shrink back for a moment but I overcame all hesitation and making a low bane, I took the dust of my elder sister-in-law's feet. Bless my soul, Chhotarani, she exclaimed. What has come upon you? Why this sudden reverence? It is my birthday, sister, said I. I have caused you pain. Give me a blessing today that I may never do so again. My mind is so small. I repeated my obeisance and left her hurriedly. But she called me back. You never before told me that this was your birthday, Chhotarani. Be sure to come and have lunch with me this afternoon. You positively must. Oh God, that should really be my birthday today. Can I not be born over again? Cleanse me, my God, and purify me and give me one more trial. I went again to the sitting room to find Sandeep there. A feeling of disgust seemed to poison my very blood. The face of his, which I saw in the morning light, had nothing of the magic radiance of genius. When you leave the room, I blurted out. Sandeep smiled. Since Amulia is not here, he remarked, I should think my turn had come for a special job. My fate was coming back upon me. How was I to take away the right I myself had given? I would be alone, I repeated. Queen, he said, the presence of another person does not prevent you being alone. Do not mistake me for one of the crowd. I, Sandeep, am always alone, even when surrounded by thousands. Please come some other time. This morning I am waiting for Amulia. I turned to leave the room for sheer vexation when Sandeep drew out from the folds of his cloak that jewel casket of mine and banged it down on the marble table. I was thoroughly startled. Has not Amulia gone then? I exclaimed. Gone where? To Calcutta? No, chuckled Sandeep. Ah, then my blessing had come true in spite of all. He was safe. Let God's punishment fall on me, the thief, if only Amulia be safe. The change in my countenance roused Sandeep's scorn. So pleased, Queen, sneer he. Are these jewels so very precious? How then did you bring yourself to offer them to the Goddess? Your gift was actually made. Would you now take it back? Pride dies hard and raises its thanks to the last. It was clear to me I must show Sandeep. I did not care a wrap about these jewels. If they have excited your greed, I said, you may have them. My greed today embraces the wealth of all Bengal, replied Sandeep. Is there a greater force than greed? It is the steed of the great ones of the earth, as is the elephant, a rowd, the steed of Indra. So then these jewels are mine. As Sandeep took up and replaced the casket under his cloak, Amulia rushed him. There were dark rings under his eyes. His lips were dry. His hair tumbled. The freshness of his youth seemed to have withered in a single day. Tanks gripped my heart as I looked on him. My box, he cried, as he went straight up to Sandeep without a glance at me. Have you taken that jewel box from my trunk? Your jewel box mocked Sandeep. It was my trunk. Sandeep burst into a laugh. Your distinctions between mine and yours are getting rather thin, Amulia, he cried. You will die a religious preacher yet, I see. Amulia sank on a chair with his face in his hands. I went up to him and placing my hand on his head as to him. What is your trouble, Amulia? He stood straight up as he replied. I had set my heart, Sister Rani, on returning your jewels to you with my own hand. Sandeep Babu knew this, but he first told me. What do I care for my jewels, I said. Let them go, no harm is done. Go where? said the mystified boy. The jewels are mine, said Sandeep. Insignia bestowed on me by my queen. No, no, no, broke out Amulia wisely. Never, Sister Rani, I brought them back for you. You shall not gift them away to anybody else. I accept your gift, my little brother, said I, but let him. Who hankers after them? Satisfy his greed. Amulia glared at Sandeep like a beast of prey as he growled. Look here, Sandeep Babu. You know that even hanging has no terrors for me. If you dare take away that box of jewels. With an attempt at a sarcastic laugh, Sandeep said, You are sought to know by this time, Amulia, that I am not the man to be afraid of you. Queen Bee he went on turning to me. I did not come here today to take these jewels. I came to give them to you. You would have done wrong to take my gift at Amulia's hands. In order to prevent it, I had first to make them clearly mine. Now these my jewels are my gift to you. Here they are. Don't patch up any understanding with this boy you like. I must go. You have been at your special talks all these days together, leaving me out of them. If special happenings now come to pass, don't blame me. Amulia he continued, I have sent down your trunks and things to your lodgings. Don't you be keeping any belongings of yours in my room any longer? With this parting shot, Sandeep flung out of the room. I have had no peace of mind, Amulia, I said to him. Ever since I sent you off to sell my jewels. Why, Sister Rani? I was afraid, Lest, you should get into trouble with them. Lest, they should suspect you for a thief. I would rather go without that six thousand. You must now do another thing for me. Go home at once. Home to your mother. Amulia produced a small bundle and said, But Sister, I have got the six thousand. Where from? I tried hard to get hold. He went on without replying to my question, but could not. So I had to bring it in notes. Tell me truly, Amulia, swear by me. Where did you get this money? That I will not tell you. Everything seemed to grow dark before my eyes. What terrible thing have you done, Amulia, I cried. Is it then? I know you will say I got this money wrongly. Very well, I admit it. But I have paid the full price for my wrongdoing. So now the money is mine. I no longer had any desire to learn more about it. My very blood vessels contracted, making my whole body shrink within itself. Take it away, Amulia, implode. Put it back where you got it from. That would be hard, indeed. It is not hard, rather dear. It was an evil moment when you first came to me. Even Sandeep has not been able to harm you as I have done. Sandeep's name seemed to stab him. Sandeep, he cried. It was you alone who made me come to know that man for what he is. Do you know, sister, he has not spent a piece out of those sovereigns he took from you? He shut himself into his room after he left you and looted over the gold, pouring it out in a heap on the floor. This is not money, he exclaimed, but the petals of the divine lotus of fire crystallized strains of music from the pipes that play in the paradise of wealth. I cannot find it in my heart to change them for they seem longing to fulfill the destiny of adorning the neck of beauty. Amulia, my boy, don't you look at these with your fleshy eye. They are Lakshmi's smile, the gracious radiance of Indra's queen. No, no, I can't give them up to that goal of a manager. I'm sure Amulia he was telling us lies. The police haven't traced the man who signed that code. It is the manager who wants to make something out of it. We must get those letters back from him. I asked him how we were to do this. He told me to use force or threats. I offered to do so if he would return the gold. That, he said, we would consider later. I will not trouble your sister with all I did to frighten the man into giving up those letters and burn them. It's a long story. That very night I came to Sandip and said, we are now safe. Let me have the sovereigns to return them tomorrow to my sister, the Maharani. But he cried, what infatuation is this of yours? Your precious sister's card. It's fair to hide the whole concrete from you. Save Vande Mataram and exorcise the evil spirit. You know Sister Rani, the power of Sandip's magic. The gold remained with him. And I spent the whole dark night on the bathing steps of the lake maturing Vande Mataram. Then, when you gave me your jewels to sell, I went again to Sandip. I could see he was angry with me, but he tried not to share it. If I still have them hoarded up in any box of mine, you may take them, said he, as he flung me his keys. There were nowhere to be seen. Tell me where they are, I said. I will do so, he replied, when I find your infatuation has left you, not now. When I found I could not move him, I had to employ other methods. Then I tried to get the sovereigns from him in exchange for my currency notes for 6000 rupees. You shall have them, he said, and disappeared into his bedroom, leaving me waiting outside. There, he broke open my trunk and came straight to you with your casket through some other passage. He would not let me bring it, and now he dares call it his gift. How can I tell you how much he has deprived me of? I shall never forgive him. But, oh sister, his power over me has been utterly broken, and it is you who have broken it. Brother dear, said I, if that is so, then my life is justified. But more remains to be done, Amulia. It is not enough that the spell has been destroyed. Its stains must be washed away. Don't delay any longer. Quiet once and put back the money where you took it from. Can you not do it, dear? With your blessing everything is possible, sister Rani. Remember, it will not be your expiation alone, but mine also. Amulia woman, the outside world is close to me. Else I would have gone myself. My hardest punishment is that I must put anew the burden of my sin. Don't say that, sister. The path I was treading was not your path. It attracted me because of its dangers and difficulties. Now that your path calls me, let it be a thousand times more difficult and dangerous. The dust of your feet will help me to win through. Is it then your command that this money be replaced? Not my command, brother mine, but a command from above. Of that I know nothing. It is enough for me that this command from above comes from your lips. And, sister, I thought I had an invitation here. I must not lose that. You must give me your Prashat before I go. Then, if I can possibly manage it, I will finish my duty in the evening. Tears came to my eyes when I tried to smile, as I said, so be it. End of chapter 10 Bimala's story So feebly it failed to reach him. I went up to the door and called again. Amulia! he had gone. Who is there? Rani mother. Go and tell Amulia about Bu that I want him. What exactly happened I could not make out. The man perhaps was not familiar with Amulia's name, but he returned almost at once, followed by Sandip. The very moment you sent me away, he said, as he came in, I had a presentment that you would call me back. The attraction of the same moon causes both up and flow. I was so sure of being sent full that I was actually waiting out in the passage. As soon as I caught sight of your man coming from your room, I said, yes, yes, I'm coming, I'm coming at once. Before he could utter a word. That up-country loud was surprised, I can tell you. He stared at me, open-mouthed, as if he thought I knew magic. All the fights in the world, Queen Bee, Sandip rambled on, are really fights between hypnotic forces. Spell cast against spell, noiseless weapons which reach even invisible targets. At last I've met in you my match. Your quiver is full I know, you artful warrior queen. You are the only one in the world who has been able to turn Sandip out and call Sandip back at your sweet will. Well, your quarry is at your feet. What will you do with him now? Give him the coup de grâce or keep him in your cage. Let me warn you beforehand, Queen, you will find the beast as difficult to kill outright as to keep him bondage. Anyway, why lose time in trying your magic weapons? Sandip must have felt the shadow of approaching defeat, and this made him try to gain time by chattering away without waiting for a reply. I believe he knew that I'd sent the messenger for Amulia, whose name the man must have mentioned. In spite of that, he had deliberately played this trick. He was now trying to avoid giving me any opening to tell him that it was Amulia I wanted, not him. But his strategy was futile, for I could see his weakness through it. I must not yield up a pin's point of the ground I'd gained. Sandip baboo, I said. I wonder how you can go on making these endless speeches without a stop. Do you get them up by heart beforehand? Sandip's face flushed instantly. I've heard, I continued, that our professional reciters keep a book full of all kinds of ready-made discourses which can be fitted into any subject. Have you also a book? Sandip ground out his reply through his teeth. God has given you women a plentiful supply of cockatry to start with, and on the top of that you have the milliner and the jeweler to help you. But do not think we men are so helpless. You'd better go back and look up your book, Sandip baboo. You're saying your words all wrong. That's just the trouble with trying to repeat things by road. You, shouted Sandip, losing all control over himself. You to insult me thus. What is there left of you that I do not know to the very bottom? What? He became speechless. Sandip, the wielder of magic spells, is reduced to utter powerlessness whenever his spell refuses to work. From a king he felt at a level of a bore. Ah, that joy of witnessing his weakness. The harsher he became in his rudeness, the more that this joy well up within me. His snaky coils with which he used to snag me are exhausted. I am free. I am saved. Saved. Be rude to me. Insult me, for that shows you in your truth. But spare me your songs of praise which were false. My husband came in at this juncture. Sandip had not the elasticity to recover himself in a moment as he used to do before. My husband looked at him for a while in surprise. Had this happened some days ago I should have felt ashamed. But today I was pleased, whatever my husband might think. I wanted to have it out to the finish with my weakening adversary. Finding us both silent and constrained, my husband hesitated a little and then took a chair. Sandip, he said, I've been looking for you and was told you were here. I am here, said Sandip with some emphasis. Queen Bee sent for me early this morning, and I, the humble worker of the hive, left all else to attend her summons. I am going to Kokkata tomorrow. You will come with me. And why, pray, do you take me for one of your retinue? Oh, very well. Take it that you are going to Kokkata and that I am your follower. I have no business there. All the more reason for going. You have too much business here. I don't propose to stir. Then I propose to shift you. Forcibly? Forcibly. Very well then, I will make a move, but the world is not divided between Kokkata and your estates. There are other places on the map. From the way you have been going on one would hardly have thought that there was any other place in the world except my estates. Sandip stood up. It does happen at times, he said, that the man's whole world is reduced to a single spot. I have realized my universe in this sitting-room of yours. That is why I have been a fixture here. Then he turned to me. None but you, Queen Bee, he said, will understand my words, perhaps not even you. I salute you. With worship in my heart I leave you. My watchword has changed since you have come across my vision. It is no longer Banna Mataram, hill-mother, but hill-beloved, hill and chantress. The mother protects, the mistress leads the destruction. But sweet is that destruction. You have made the anklet sounds of the dance of death tinkle in my heart. You have changed from me, your devotee, the picture I had of this Bengal of ours, the soft breeze-cooled land of pure water and sweet fruit. You have no pity, my beloved. You have come to me with your poison cup, and I shall drain it, either to die in agony or live triumphing over death. Yes, he continued, the mother's day is past. Oh, love, my love, you have made it not for me the truth and right and heaven itself. All duties have become a shadow's. All rules and restraints have snapped their bonds. Oh, love, my love, I could set fire to all the world outside this land on which you have set your dainty feet, as in mad revel over the ashes. These are mild men. These are good men. They would do good to all, as if this all were a reality. No, no. There is no reality in the world save this one real love of mine. I do your reverence. My devotion to you has made me cruel. My worship of you has lighted the raging flame of destruction within me. I am not righteous. I only believe in her, whom above all else in the world I have been able to realize. Wonderful. It was wonderful indeed. Only a minute ago I had despised this man with all my heart, but what I had thought to be dead ashes now glowed with living fire. The fire in him is true, that is, beyond doubt. Oh, why has God made man such a mixed creature? Was it only to show his supernatural slate of hand? Only a few minutes ago I had thought that Sandip, who might once taken to be a hero, was only the stage hero of melodrama. But that is not so. Not so. Even behind the trappings of the theatre a true hero may sometimes be lurking. There is much in Sandip that is cause, that is sensuous, that is false, much that is overlaid with layer after layer of fleshly covering. Yet, yet it is best to confess that there is a great deal in the death of him, which we do not cannot understand much in ourselves too. A wonderful thing is man. What great mysterious purpose he is working out, only the terrible one knows. Meanwhile, we groan in the labyrinth of it. Shiva is the Lord of Chaos. He is all joy. He will destroy our bonds. I cannot but feel again and again that there are two persons in me. One recoils from Sandip in his terrible aspect of Chaos. The other feels that very vision to be sweetly alluring. The sinking ship drags down all who are swimming around it. Sandip is just such a force of destruction. His immense attraction gets hold of one before fear can come to the rescue. And then, in the twinkling of an eye, one is drawn away irresistibly from all light, all good, all freedom of the sky, all error that can be breathed, from life long accumulations, from everyday cares, right to the bottom of disillusion. From some realm of calamity has Sandip come as his messenger, and as he stalks the land, muttering unholy incantations, to him flock all the boys and youth. The mother, seated in the lotus heart of the country, is wailing her heart out, for they have broken open her storeroom, they had to hold their drunken revelry. Her advantage of the draught of the immortals they would pour out on the dust. Her time on at vessels they would smash to pieces. True, I feel with her, but at the same time I cannot help being infected with their excitement. Truth itself has sent us this temptation to test our trust in us, in upholding its commandments. Intoxication masquerades in heavenly garb, and dances before the pilgrims saying, fools you are that pursue the fruitless path of renunciation, its way is long, its time passing slow. So the wielder of the thunderbolt has sent me to you. Behold, I the beautiful, the passionate, I will accept you, in my embrace you shall find a moment. After pause, Sandeep addressed me again. Goddess, the time has come for me to leave you. It is well. The work of your nearness has been done. By lingering longer it would only become undone again, little by little. All is lost if in our greed we try to cheapen that which is the greatest thing on earth. That which is eternal within the moment only becomes shallow if spread out in time. We were about to spoil our infinite moment when it was your uplifted thunderbolt which came to the rescue. You intervened to save the purity of your own worship and in so doing you also saved your worshipper. In my leaf-taking today your worship stands out the biggest thing. Goddess, I also set you free today. My urban temple could hold you no longer. Every moment it was on the point of breaking apart. Today I depart to worship your larger image in a larger temple. I can gain you more truly only at a distance from yourself. Here I had only your favour. There I shall be vouch saved your boon. My jewel casket was lying on the table. I held it up aloft as I said. I charged you to convey these my jewels to the object of my worship to whom I have dedicated them through you. My husband remained silent. Sandeep left the room. I just sat down to make some cakes for Amelia when the Baharani came up on the scene. Oh dear, she exclaimed, has it come to this that you must make cakes for your own birthday? Is there no one else for whom I could be making them? I asked. But this is not the day when you should think of feasting others. It is for us to feast you. I was just thinking of making something up when I heard the staggering news which completely upset me. A gang of five or six hundred men, they say, has raided one of our treasuries and made off with six thousand rupees. Our house will be looted next, they expect. I felt greatly relieved. So it was our own money after all. I wanted to send for Amelia at once and tell him that he need only hand over those notes to my husband and leave the explanations to me. You are a wonderful creature, my sister-in-law broke out at the change of my countenance. Have you then really no such thing as fear? I cannot believe it, I said. Why should they loot our house? Not believe it, indeed. Who could have believed that they would attack our treasury, either? I made no reply, but bent over my cakes, putting in the coconut stuffing. Well, I'm off, said the Baharani youngster at me. I must see Brother Nikhil and get something done about sending off my money to Kolkata before it's too late. She was no sooner gone that I left the cakes to take care of themselves and rushed to my dressing room, shutting myself inside. My husband's tunic, with the keys in its pocket, was still hanging there, so forgetful was he. I took the key of the iron safe off the ring and kept it by me, hidden in the folds of my dress. Then there came a knocking at the door. I am dressing, I called out. I could hear the Baharani sing. Only a minute ago I saw her making cakes, and now she's busy dressing up. What next, I wonder? One of their Banda Matam meetings is on, I suppose. I say, Robert Queen, she called out to me. Are you taking stock of your loot? When they went away, I hardly know what made me open the safe. Perhaps a lurking hope that it might all be a dream. What if, on pulling out the inside drawer, I should find the rolls of gold there, just as before? Alas, everything was empty, as the trust which had been betrayed. I had to go through the fars of dressing. I had to do my hair up all over again, quite unnecessarily. When I came out, my sister-in-law railed at me. How many times are you going to dress today? My birthday, I said. Oh, any pretext seems good enough, she went on. Many vain people have I seen in my day, but you beat them all hollow. I was about to summon a servant to send after Amulia, when one of the men came up with a little note which he handed to me. It was from Amulia. Sister, he wrote, you invited me this afternoon, but I thought I should not wait. Let me first execute your bidding, and then come for my Prasad. I may be a little late. To whom could he be going to return that money? Into what fresh entanglement was the poor boy rushing? Oh, miserable woman, you can only send him off like an arrow, but not recall him if you miss your aim. I should have declared at once that I was at the bottom of this robbery. But women live on the trust of their surroundings. This is their whole world. If once it is out that this trust has been secretly betrayed, their place in their world is lost. They have then to stand upon the fragments of the thing they have broken, and its jagged edges keep on wounding them at every turn. To sin is easy enough, but to make up for it is above all difficult for a woman. For some time past all easy approaches for communion with my husband have been close to me. How then could I burst on him with this stupendous news? He was very late in coming for his meal the day, nearly two o'clock. He was absent-minded and hardly touched any food. I had lost even the right to press him to take a little more. I had to avert my face to wipe away my tears. I wanted so badly to say to him, do come into our room and rest awhile, you look so tired. I just cleared my throat with a little cuff when a servant hurried in to say that the police inspector had brought Pong Choo up to the palace. The servant with the shadow on his face deepened, left his meal unfinished and went out. A little later the Bararani appeared. Why did you not send me word when brother Nikhil came in? She complained. As it was late I thought I might as well finish my bath in the meantime. However did he manage to get through his meal so soon. Why, did you want him for anything? What is this about both of you going off to Kolkata tomorrow? All I can say is that I am not going to be left here alone. I should get startled out of my life at every sound with all these duck-oats about. Is it quite settled about your going tomorrow? Yes, said I. Now I'd only just now heard it, and though moreover I was not at all sure that before tomorrow our history might not take such a turn as to make it all won whether we went or stayed. After that what our home, our life would be like, was utterly beyond ten. It seemed so misty and phantom-like. In a very few hours now my unseen fate would become visible. Was there no one who could keep on postponing the flight of these hours from day to day, and so make them long enough for me to set things right so far as lay in my power? The time during which the seed lies underground is long, so long indeed that one forgets that there is any danger of it sprouting. But once its shoot shows up above the surface it grows and grows so fast there is no time to cover it up neither with skirt nor body nor even life itself. I will try to think of it no more, but sit quiet, passive and callous, let the crash come when it may. By the day after tomorrow all will be over, publicity, laughter, bewildering, questions, explanations, everything. But I cannot forget the face of Amalia, beautiful, radiant with devotion. He did not wait, despairing, for the blow of fate to fall, but rushed into the thick of danger. In my misery I do him reverence. He is my boy-god. Under the pretext of his playfulness he took from me the weight of my burden. He would save me by taking the punishment meant for me on his own head. But how am I to bear this terrible mercy of my God? Oh, my child, my child, I do you reverence. Little brother mine, I do you reverence. Pure are you. Beautiful are you. I do you reverence. May you come to my arms in next birth as my own child. That is my prayer. Rumour became busy on every side. The police were continually in and out. The servants of the house were in a great flurry. The maid came up to me and said, Oh, Rani mother, for goodness sake, put away my gold necklace and armlets in your iron safe. To whom was I to explain that the Rani herself had been weaving all this network of trouble and had got caught in it, too? I had to play the benign protector and take charge of Kema's ornaments and Taco's savings. The milk-woman, in her turn, brought along and kept in my room a box in which were a Benares sari and some other of her valued possessions. I got these at your wedding, she told me, when, tomorrow, my iron safe will be opened in the presence of these, Kema, Taco, the milk-woman, and all the rest. Let me not think of it. Let me rather try to think what it will be like when this third day of Mach comes round again after a year has passed. Will all the wounds of my home life then be still as fresh as ever? Emilia writes that he will come later in the evening. I cannot remain alone with my thoughts doing nothing, so I sit down again to make cakes for him. I have finished making quite a quantity, but still I must go on. Who will eat them? I shall distribute them amongst the servants. I must do so this very night. Tonight is my limit. Tomorrow will not be in my hands. I went on, entirely, frying cake after cake. Every now and then it seemed to me that there was some noise in the direction of my rooms, upstairs. Could it be that my husband had missed the key of the safe, and the Bower Rani had assembled all the servants to help him to hunt for it? No, I must not pay heed to these sounds. Let me shut the door. I rose to do so when Taco came panting in. Rani mother! Oh, Rani mother! Oh, get away! I snapped out, cutting her short. Don't come bothering me. The Bower Rani mother wants you, she went on. Her nephew has brought such a wonderful machine from Kolkata. It talks like a man. Do come and hear it. I did not know whether to laugh or to cry. So, of all things, a gramophone needs must come on the scene at such a time, repeating at every winding the nasal twang of its theoretical songs. What a fearsome thing results when a machine apes a man! The shades of evening began to fall. I knew that Amulia would not delay to announce himself. Yet I could not wait. I summoned a servant and said, Go and tell Amulia Babu to come straight in here. The man came back after a while to say that Amulia was not in. He had not come back since he had gone. Gone! The last words struck my ears like a wheel was Amulia gone. Had he then come like a streak of light from the setting sun only to be gone forever? All kinds of possible and impossible dangers flitted through my mind. It was I who had sent him to his death. What if he was fearless? That only showed his own greatness of heart. But after this how was I to go on living all by myself? I had no momentum of Amulia save that pistol, his reverence offering. It seemed to me that this was a sign given by Providence, this guilt which had contaminated my life at its very root. My God in the form of a child had left me with the means of wiping it away and then vanished. How the loving gift, the saving grave that lay hidden within it. I opened my box and took out the pistol, lifting it reverently to my forehead. At that moment the gongs clanged out from the temple attached to our house. I prostrated myself in salutation. In the evening I feasted the whole household with my cakes. You have managed a wonderful birthday feast and all by yourself too, exclaimed my sister-in-law. But you must leave something for us to do. With this she turned on her gramophone and let loose the shrilled treble of the Kolkata actresses all over the place. It looked like a stable full of nailing fillies. It got quite late before the feasting was over. I had a sudden longing to end my birthday celebration by taking the dust of my husband's feet. I went up to the bedroom and found him fast asleep. He had had such a worrying, trying day. I raised the edge of the mosquito curtain very, very gently and laid my head near his feet. My hair must have touched him, for he moved legs in his sleep and pushed my head away. I then went out and sat in the west veranda. A silk cotton tree, which had shed all its leaves, stood there in the distance like a skeleton. Behind it the crushed moon was setting. All of a sudden I had the feeling that the very stars in the sky were afraid of me. That the whole of the night world was looking as scant at me. Why? Because I was alone. There is nothing so changing creation as the man who is alone. Even he whose near ones have all died, one by one, is not alone. Companionship comes for him from behind the screen of death. But he whose kin are there, yet no longer near, who has dropped out of all the varied companionship of a full home, the starry universe itself seems to bristle to look on him in his darkness. Where I am I am not. I am far away from those who are around me. I live and move upon a worldwide chasm of separation. Unstable as a dew drop upon the lotus leaf. Why do not men change wholly when they change? When I look into my heart I find everything that was there still there. Only they are topsy-turvy. Things that were well ordered have become jumbled up. The gems that were strung into a necklace are now rolling in the dust. And so my heart is breaking. I feel I want to die. Yet in my heart everything still lives. Nor even in death can I see the end of it all. Rather in death there seems to be ever so much more of repining. What is to be ended must be ended in this life. There is no other way out. Oh forgive me just once. Only this time Lord all that you gave into my hands is the wealth of my life I've made into my burden. I can neither bear it longer nor give it up. Oh Lord, sound once again those flute strains which you played for me long ago standing at the rosy edge of my morning sky and let all my complexities become simple and easy. Nothing save the music of your flute can make whole that which has been broken and pure that which has been sullied. Create my home anew with your music no other way can I see. I threw myself prone on the ground and stopped aloud. It was from mercy that I prayed some little mercy from somewhere some shelter some sign of forgiveness some hope that might bring about the end. Lord I vow to myself I will lie here waiting and waiting touching neither food nor drink so long as your blessing does not reach me. I heard the sound of footsteps who says that the gods do not show themselves to mortal man. I did not raise my face to look up lest the sight of it should break the spell come oh come come and let your feet touch my head come Lord and set your foot upon my throbbing heart and at that moment let me die he came and sat near my head who? my husband at the first touch of his presence I felt that I should soon and then the pain at my heart burst its way out in an overwhelming flood of tears tearing through all my obstructing veins and nerves I strained his feet to my bosom oh why could not their impress remain there forever he tenderly stroke my head I received his blessing now I shall be able to take up the penalty of public humiliation which will be mine tomorrow and offer it in all sincerity at the feet of my god but what keeps crushing my heart is the thought of the festive flutes which were played at my wedding nine years ago welcoming me to this house will never sound for me again in this life what rigor of penance is there which can serve to bring me once more as a bride adorned for her husband to my place upon that same bridal seat how many years how many ages aeons must pass before I can find my way back to that day of nine years ago God can create new things but has even he the power that which has been destroyed end of chapter 11 section 13 of the home and the world this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org the home and the world by Rabindranath Tagore translated by Surrendranath Tagore chapter 12 Nick Hill's Story today we are going to Calcutta our joys and sorrows lie heavy on us if we merely go on accumulating them keeping them and accumulating them alike are false as master of the house I am in an artificial position in reality I am a wayfarer on the path of the house I am a wayfarer on the path of life that is why the true master of the house gets hurt at every step and at last there comes the supreme hurt of death my union with you my love was only of the wayside it was well enough so long as we followed the same road it will only hamper us if we try to preserve it further we are now leaving its bonds behind we started on our journey beyond and it will be enough if we can throw each other a glance or feel the touch of each other's hands in passing after that after that there is the larger world path the endless current of universal life how little can you deprive me of my love after all whenever I set my ear to it I can hear the flute which is playing its fountain of melody gushing forth from the flute stops of separation the immortal draught of the goddess is never exhausted she sometimes breaks the ball from which we drink it for a smile at seeing us so just consulate over the trifling loss I will not stop to pick up my broken ball I will march forward I'll wait with unsatisfied heart the bararani came and asked me what is the meaning brother of all these books being packed up and sent off in box loads it only means I replied but I have not yet been able to get over my fondness for them I only wish you would keep your fondness for some other things as well do you mean you're never coming back home I shall be coming and going but you'll not immune myself here anymore oh indeed then just come along to my room and see how many I have been unable to shake off my fondness for with this she took me by the hand and marched me off in my sister-in-law's rooms I found numberless boxes and bundles already packed she opened one of the boxes and said see brother look at all my pan making things in this bottle I have catechew powder scrupine blossoms these little tin boxes are all for different kinds of spices I have not forgotten my playing cards and rock board either if you too are over busy I shall manage to make other friends there who will give me a game do you remember this comb it was one of this vadeshi combs you brought for me but what is all this for sister Rani why have you been packing up all these things do you think I'm not going with you for an extraordinary idea don't you be afraid I'm not going there to flirt with you not to quarrel with the chota Rani one must die sooner or later and it is just as well to be on the bank of the holy ganges before it is too late it is too horrible to think of being cremated in your wretched burning ground here under that stampy banyan tree that is why I have been refusing to die and have plagued you all this time at last I could hear the true voice of home the Bararani came into our house as bright when I was only six years old we have played together through the drowsy afternoons in a corner of the terrace I have thrown down to her green amras from the treetop to be made into delicious indi-used chutneys by slicing them up with mustard, salt and fragnant herbs it was my part to gather for her all the forbidden things from the storeroom to be used in the married celebration of her doll for in the penal court of my grandmother I alone was exempt from punishment and I used to be appointed her messenger to my brother whenever she wanted to coax something special out of him because he could not resist my importunity I also remember how when I suffered under the rigorous regime of the doctors of those days who would not allow anything except warm water and she got cardamom seeds during feverish attacks my sister-in-law could not bear my privation and used to bring me delicacies on this lie what a scolding she got one day when she was caught and then as we grew up our mutual joys and sorrows took on deeper tones of intimacy how we quarrel sometimes conflicts of worldly interests roused suspicions and jealousies making breaches in our love and when the Chhota Ragi came in between us these breaches seemed as if they would never be mended but it always turned out that the healing forces at bottom proved more powerful than the wounds on the surface so has a true relationship grown up between us from our childhood up till now and its branching foliage has spread and broadened over every room and warrant and terrace of this great house when I saw the Bararani make ready with all her belongings to depart from this house of ours all the ties that bound us to their widespread ends felt the shock the reason was clear to me why she had made up her mind to drift away towards the unknown cutting the sander all her lifelong wants of daily habit and of the house itself which she had never left for a day since she entered it at the age of 9 and yet it was this real reason which she could not allow to escape her lips preferring rather to put forward any other paltry excuse she had only this one relationship left in all the world and a poor unfortunate widowed and childless woman had cherished it with all the tenderness hoarded in her heart how deeply she had felt a proposed separation I never realized so keenly as when I stood amongst her scattered boxes and bundles I could say at once that the little differences she used to have with Bimala about money matters did not proceed from any sorted worldliness but because she felt that her claims in regard to this one relationship of her life had been overridden and it sties weakened for her by the coming in between of this other woman from goodness knows where she had been heart at every turn and yet had not the right to complain and Bimala she also had felt that the senior Rani's claim over me was not based merely on our social connection but went much deeper and she was jealous of these ties between us reaching back to our childhood today my heart knocked heavily against the doors of my breast I sank down upon one of the boxes as I said how I should love sister Rani to come back to the days when we first met in this old house of ours no brother dear she replied with a sigh I would not live my life again not as a woman that what I have had to bear end with this one birth I could not bear it over again I said to her the freedom to which we pass through sorrow is greater than sorrow that may be so for you men freedom is for you but we women would keep others bound we would rather be put into bondage ourselves no no brother you will never get free from our trials if you needs must spread your wings you will have to take us with you we refuse to be left behind that is why I have gathered together all this weight of luggage it would never do to allow men to run to life I can feel the weight of your words I said laughing and if we men do not complain of your burdens it is because women pay us so handsomely for what they make us carry you carry it she said because it is made up of many small things everyone you think of rejecting pleads that it is so light and so with much lightness we weigh you down when you start the train leaves at half past 11 tonight there will be lots of time look here do be good for once and listen to just one word of mine take a good nap this afternoon you know you never get any sleep in the train you look so pulled down you might go to pieces any moment come along get through your bath first as we went towards my room Kema the maid came up and with an ultra modest pull at her veil told us in depreciatingly low tones that the police inspector had arrived with a prisoner and wanted to see the Maharaja is the Maharaja a thief or a robber the Bararani flared up that he should be set upon so by the police go and tell the inspector that the Maharaja is at his bath let me just go and see what is the matter I pleaded it may be something urgent no no my sister-in-law insisted I'll show Tarani was making a heap of cakes last night I'll send some to the inspector to keep him quiet till you are ready with this she pushed me into my room and shut the door on me I had not the power to resist such tyranny so rare is it in this world let the inspector while away the time eating cakes what if business is a bit neglected the police had been in great form this last few days now this one now that each day some innocent person or other would be brought along to enliven the assembly in my office room one more such unfortunate I suppose must have been brought in that day but why should the inspector alone be regaled with cakes that would not do at all I camped vigorously on the door if you are going mad be quick and pour some water over your head that will keep you cool let my sister-in-law from the passage send down cakes for two I shouted the person who has been brought in as the thief probably deserves them better tell the man to give them a good big helping I hurried through my bath when I came out I found Bimal sitting on the floor outside could this be my Bimal of old by proud sensitive Bimal what favor could she be wanting to beg seated like this at my door as I stopped shot she stood up and said gently with downcast eyes I would have a word with you come inside then I said but are you going out on any particular business I was but let that be I wonder here no finish your business first we will have a talk after you have had your dinner I was off to my sitting room to find the police inspectors plate quite empty the person he had brought with him however was still busy eating hello I ejaculated in surprise you Amulia it is I saw said Amulia with his mouth full of cake I have had quite a feast and if you don't mind I'll take the rest with me with this he proceeded to tie up the remaining cakes in his hand culture what does this mean I asked staring at the inspector the man laughed we are no nearer sir he said to solving the problem of the thief meanwhile the mystery of the theft deepens he then produced something tied up in a rag which when untied disclosed a bundle of currency notes this Maharaja said the inspector is your 6000 rupees where was it found in Amulia Babu's hands he went last evening to the manager of your Chakna sub office to tell him that the money has been found the manager seemed to be in a greater state of preparation at the recovery than he had been at the robbery he was afraid he would be suspected of having made a way with the notes and of now making up a cock and bull story for fear of being found out he asked Amulia to wait on the pretext of getting him some refreshment and came straight over to the police office I rode off at once kept Amulia with me and have been busy with him the whole morning he refuses to tell us where he got the money from I warned him he would be kept under restraint till he did so in that case he informed me he would have to lie very well I said him I do so if he pleased then he stated that he had found the money under a bush I pointed out to him that it was not quite so easy to lie as all that under what bush where was the place why was he there all this would have to be stated as well don't you worry he said there is plenty of time to invent all that but inspector I said why are you badgering a respectable young gentleman like Amulia Babu I have no desire to harass him said the inspector he is not only a gentleman but the son of Bahrain Babu my school fellow let me tell you Maharaja exactly what must have happened Amulia knows the thief but wants to shield him by drawing suspicion on himself that is just the sort of bravado he loves to indulge him the inspector turned to Amulia look here young man he continued I also was 18 once upon a time and a student in the Rupon college I nearly got into Gowl trying to rescue a hack driver from a police constable it was a near shave then he turned again to me and said Maharaja the real thief will now probably escape but I think I can tell you who is at the bottom of it all who is it then I asked the manager in collusion with the guard Qasem when the inspector having argued out his theory to his own satisfaction at last departed I said to Amulia if you will tell me who took the money I promise you no one shall be heard I did said he but how can that be what about the gang of armed men it was I by myself alone what Amulia then told me was indeed extraordinary the manager had just finished his supper and was on the veranda rinsing out his mouth the place was somewhat dark Amulia had a revolver in each pocket one loaded with blank cartridges the other with ball he had a mask over his face he flashed a bull's eye lantern in the manager's face and fired a blank shot the man swooned away some of the guards who were of duty came running up but when Amulia fired another blank shot at them they lost no time in taking cover then Qasem who was on duty came up whirling a quarter staff this time Amulia aimed a bullet at his legs and finding himself hit Qasem collapsed on the floor Amulia then made the trembling manager who had come to his senses opened the safe and delivered up 6000 rupees finally he took one of the estate horses and galloped off a few miles there let the animal loose and quietly walked up here to our place what made you do all this Amulia asked there was a grave reason he replied but why then did you try to return the money let her come at whose command I did so in her presence I shall make a clean breast of it and who may she be my sister the short irani I sent for Bimala she came hesitatingly barefoot with a white shawl over her head I had never seen my Bimala like this before she seemed to have wrapped herself in a morning light Amulia prostrated himself in solution and took the dust of her feet then as he rose he said your command has been executed sister the money is returned you have saved me my little brother said Bimala with your image in my mind I have not uttered a single lie Amulia continued my watch word Vande Mataram has been cast away at your feet for good I have also received my reward your prashad as soon as I came to the palace Bimala looking at him blankly unable to follow his last words Amulia brought out his handkerchief and untieing it showed her the cakes put away inside I did not eat them all he said I have kept these to eat after you have helped me with your own hands I could see that I was not wanted here I went out of the room I could only preach and preach so I am used and get my effigy burnt for my pains I had not yet been able to bring back a single soul from the path of death they who have the power can do so by a mere sign my words have not that ineffable meaning I am not a flame only a black coal which has gone out I can light no lamp that is what the story of my life shows my row of lamps remain unlit I returned slowly towards the inner apartments the Bararani's room must have been drawing me again it had become an absolute necessity for me that day I feel that this life of mine had been able to strike some real some responsive caught in some other harp of life one cannot realize one's own existence by remaining within oneself it has to be sought outside as I passed in front of my sister-in-law's room she came out saying I was afraid you would be late again this afternoon however I ordered you dinner as soon as I heard you coming it will be served in a minute meanwhile I said let me take out that money of yours and have it kept ready to take with us as we walked on towards my room she asked me if the police inspector had made any report about the robbery I somehow did not feel inclined to tell her the details of how that 6000 had come back that's just what all the fuss is about I said evasively when I went into my dressing room and took out my bunch of keys I did not find the key of the iron safe on the ring what an absurdly absent-minded fellow I was to be sure only this morning I had been opening so many boxes and things I never noticed that this key was not there what has happened to your key she asked me I went on fumbling in this pocket and that but could give her no answer I hunted in the same place over and over again it dawned on both of us that it could not be a case of the key being misled someone must have taken it off the ring who could it be who else could have come into this room don't you worry about it she said to me get through your dinner first the Chhota Rani must have kept it herself seeing how absent-minded you are getting I was however greatly disturbed it was never Bimal's habit to take any key of mine without telling me about it was not present at my mealtime that day she was busy feasting Amulia in her own room my sister-in-law wanted to send for her but I asked her not to do so I had just finished my dinner when Bimal came in I would have preferred not to discuss the matter of the key in the Bararani's presence but as soon as she saw Bimal she asked her do you know dear where the key of the safe is I have it was the reply didn't I say so exclaimed my sister-in-law triumphantly a Chhota Rani pretends not to care about these robberies but she takes precautions on the sly all the same the look on Bimal's face made my mind misgive me let the key be now I said I will take out that money in the evening there you go again putting it off said the Bararani why not take it out and send it to the treasury while you have it in your mind I have taken it out already said Bimal I was startled where have you kept it then asked my sister-in-law I have spent it just listen to her whatever did you spend all that money on Bimal made no reply I asked her nothing further the Bararani seemed about to make some further remark to Bimal but checked herself well that is alright anyway she said at length as she looked towards me just what I used to do with my husband's loose cash I knew it was no use leaving it with him 101 hangers on would be sure to get hold of it you are much the same dear what a number of ways you men know of getting through money we can only save it from you by stealing it ourselves get along now off with you to bed the Bararani led me to my room but I hardly knew where I was going she sat by my bed after I was stretched on it and smiled at Bimal as she said gimme one of your pants, shorty darling what? you have none you have become a regular maim sahib then sent for some from my room but have you had your dinner yet I anxiously inquired oh long ago she replied clearly a fib she kept on chattering away there at my bedside on all manner of things the maid came and told Bimal that her dinner had been served and was getting cold but she gave no sign of having heard it not had your dinner yet but nonsense it's fearfully late with this the Bararani took Bimal away with her I could divine that there was some connection between taking out of this 6000 and the robbing of the other but I have no curiosity to learn the nature of it I shall never ask Providence leaves our life molded in the rough its object being that we ourselves should put the finishing touches shaping it into its final form to our taste there has always been anchoring within me to express some great idea in the process of giving shape to my life on the lines suggested by the creator in this endeavour I have spent all my days how severely I have carved my desires repressed myself at every step only the surcher of the heart knows but the difficulty is that one's life is not only one's own he who would create it must do so with the help of his surroundings or he will fail so it was my constant dream to draw Bimal to join me in this work of creating myself I laughed her with all my soul on the strength of that I could not but succeed in winning her to my purpose that was my firm belief then I discovered that those who could simply unnaturally draw their environment into the process of their self creation belonged to one species of the genus man and I to another I had received the vital spark but could not impart it those to whom I have surrendered my all have taken my all but not myself with it my trial is hard indeed just when I want a helpmate most I'm thrown back on myself alone nevertheless I record my vow that even in this trial I shall win through alone then shall I tread my thorny path at the end of this life's journey I have begun to suspect that there has all along been a vein of tyranny in me there was a despotism in my desire to mould my relations with Bimala in a hard clear cut perfect form but man's life was not meant to be cast in a mould and if we try to shape the good as so much mere material it takes a terrible revenge by losing its life I did not realise all this while that it must have been this unconscious tyranny of mine which made us gradually drift apart Bimala's life not finding its true level by reason of my pressure from above has had to find an outlet by undermining its banks at the bottom she has had to seal this 6000 rupees because she could not be open with me because she felt that in certain things I despotically deferred from her men such as I possessed with one idea are indeed at one with those who can manage to agree with us but those who do not only get on with us by cheating us it is our unhealing obscenity which drives even the simplest to torturous ways in trying to manufacture a help made we spoil a wife could I not go back to the beginning then indeed I should follow the path of the simple I should not try to fetch ideas but play the joyous pipes of my love and say do you love me then may you grow true to yourself in the light of your love let my suggestions be suppressed let God's design which is a new triumph and my ideas retire abashed but can even nature's nursing heal the open wound into which our accumulated differences have broken out the covering veil beneath the privacy of which nature's silent forces alone can work has been torn asunder wounds must be bandaged can we not bandage our wound with our love so that the day may come when its scar will no longer be visible it is not too late so much time has been lost in misunderstanding it has taken right up to now to come to an understanding how much more time will it take for the correcting what if the wound does eventually heal can the devastation it has wrought ever be made good there was a slight sound near the jaw as I turned over I saw Bimala's retreating figure through the open doorway she must have been waiting by my door hesitating whether to come in or not and at last have decided to go back I jumped up and bounded to the door calling Bimala she stopped on her way she had her back to me I went and took her by the hand and led her into our room she threw herself face down on a pillow and sobbed and saw I said nothing but held her hand as I sat by her head when her storm of grave had abated she sat up I tried to draw her to my breast but she pushed my arms away and knelt at my feet touching them repeatedly with her head in obeisance I hastily drew my feet back but she clasped them in her hands saying in a choking voice no no no you must not take away your feet let me do my worship I kept still who was I to stop her was I the God of her worship that I should have any qualms Bimala's story come now is the time to set sail towards that great confluence where the river of love meets the sea of worship in that pure blue all the weight of its muddiness sinks and disappears I now fear nothing neither myself nor anybody else I have passed through fire what was flammable has been burnt to ashes what is left is deathless I have dedicated myself to the feet of him who has received all my sin into the depths of his own pain tonight we go to Calcutta my inward troubles have so long prevented my looking after my things let me arrange and pack them after a while I found my husband had come in and was taking a hand in the packing this won't do I said did you not promise me you would have a sleep I might have made the promise he replied but my sleep did not and it was no way to be found no no I repeated this will never do lie down for a while at least but how can you get through all this alone of course I can well you may boast of being able to do without me but frankly I can't do without you even sleep refused to come to me alone in that room then he said to work again but there was an interruption in the shape of a servant who came and said that Sandeep Babu had called and had asked to be announced I did not dare to ask whom he wanted the light of the sky seemed suddenly to be shut down like the leaves of a sensitive plant come be mal said my husband let us go and hear what Sandeep has to tell us since he has come back again after taking his leave he must have something special to say I went simply because it would have been still more embarrassing to stay Sandeep was staring at a picture on the wall as we entered he said you must be wondering why the fellow has returned but you know the ghost is never laid down till all the rides are complete with these words he brought out of his pocket something tied in his handkerchief and laying it on the table under the knot it was those sovereigns don't you mistake me Nikhil he said that the contagion of your company has suddenly turned me honest I'm not the man to come back in slobbering repentance to return ill-gotten money but he left his speech unfinished after a pause he turned towards Nikhil but said to me after all these days queen be the ghost of compunction has found an entry into my future to untroubled conscience as I have to wrestle with it every night after my first sleep is over I cannot call it a phantom of my imagination there is no escape even for me till its debt is paid into the hands of that spirit therefore let me make restitution goddess from you alone of all the world I shall not be able to take anything I shall not be rid of you till destitute take these back he took out at the same time the jewel casket from under his tunic and put it down and then left us with hasty steps listen to me Sandeep my husband called after him I have not the time Nikhil said Sandeep as he paused near the door the Muslims I'm told have taken me for an invaluable gem and are conspiring to loot me and hide me away in their graveyard but I feel that it is necessary that I should live I have just 25 minutes to catch the not bound train so for the present I must be gone we shall have our talk out at the next convenient opportunity if you take my advice don't you delay in getting away there I salute you queen bee queen of the bleeding hearts queen of desolation Sandeep then left almost at a run I stood stuck still I had never realized in such a manner before how trivial how paltry this gold and these jewels were only a short while ago I was so busy thinking what I should take with me and how I should pack it now I felt that there was no need to take anything at all to set out and go forth was the most important thing my husband left his seat and came up and took me by the hand it is getting late he said there is not much time left to complete our preparations for the journey at this point Chandranath Babu suddenly came in finding us both together he fell back for a moment then he said forgive me my little mother if I intrude Nikhil the Muslims are out of hand they are looting Harish Kundu's treasury that does not so much matter but what is intolerable is the violence that is being done to the women of their house I am off said my husband what can you do there I pleaded as I held him by the hand oh sir I appealed to his master will you not tell him not to go my little mother he replied there is no time to do anything else don't be alarmed Vimal said my husband as he left us when I went to the window I saw my husband galloping away on horseback with not a weapon in his hands in another minute the Bara Rani came running in what have you done Choti darling she cried she didn't go call the Divan at once she said turning to a servant the Rani's never appeared before the Divan but the Bara Rani had no thought that day for appearances send a mounted man to bring back the Maharaja at once she said as soon as the Divan came up we have all entreated him Bara said the Divan but he refused to turn back send word to him that the Bara Rani is ill that she is on her deathbed cried my sister in law wildly when the Divan had left she turned on me with a furious outburst oh you witch you ogress you could not die yourself but needs must send him to his death the light of the day began to fade the sun set behind the feathery foliage of the blossoming sachina tree I can see every different shade of that sunset even today two masses of cloud on either side of the sinking orb make it look like a great bird with fury feathered wings outspread it seemed to me that this fateful day was taking its flight to cross the ocean of night it became darker and darker like the flames of a distant village on fire leaping up every now and then above the horizon a distant din swelled up in recurring waves into the darkness the bells of the evening worship rang out from her temple I knew the Bararani was sitting there with palms joined in silent prayer but I could not move a step from the window the roads the village beyond and the still more distant fringe of trees became more and more vague the lake in her grounds looked up into the sky with a dull cluster like a blind man's eye on the left the tower seemed to be craning its neck to catch sight of something that was happening the sounds of night take on all manner of disguises a twig snaps and one thinks that somebody is running for his life a door slams and one seems to be the sudden heart thump of a startled world lights would suddenly flicker under the shade of the distant trees and then go out again horses hoof would clatter now and again only to turn out to be riders leaving the palace gates I continually had the feeling that if only I could die this turmoil would come to an end so long as I was alive my sins would remain rampant scattering destruction on every side I remembered the pistol in my box but my feet refused to leave the window in quest of it was I not awaiting my feet the gong of the watch solemnly struck 10 a little later groups of lights appeared in the distance and a great crowd won't its way like some great serpent along the roads in the darkness towards the palace gates the divan rushed to the gate at the sound just then a rider came galloping in what's the news Jetta asked the divan not good was the reply I could hear these words distinctly from my window but something was next whispered which I could not catch then came a palanquin followed by a litter the doctor was walking alongside the palanquin what do you think doctor asked the divan can't say yet the doctor replied the wound in the head is a serious one and Amulia Babu he has a bullet through the heart he is done for end of section 13 end of the home and the world by Rabindranath Tagore translated by Surendranath Tagore