 What would you what would how would you feel if I said the dick pic I Think again if we had that conversation about it and have knowing what I know now and If it made you feel kind of happy and more connected at this present time again Like I said like I genuinely think that you've never been sexier than you are right now And I can express that to you verbally, but I can't show you that appreciation through sexual lust And if you require that for your happiness and for your wellness, you know, I'm not gonna stand in the way of that I can't I can't You see this is this is manipulative. I'm saying why What's going on everybody I am here to let you know that we are expecting baby number two You probably already know that you know if you follow Shan on any other platform. She has announced it yesterday on Instagram She told the lovers of friends community that she was pregnant a while ago I told the people who follow me on patreon and this the other day JD slipped up and set it on YouTube on On one of our episodes, so you probably already know but for the people who just watch here and just watch Shan on YouTube I'm here to confirm. Yes. She is pregnant and we are expecting baby number two It's wild it's wild so what you're about to listen to right now is a conversation between Shan and I That was actually an excerpt from a lovers and friends podcast with Rachel Lindsey if you listen to that This is an extended version. So things that are on this right here weren't on the podcast So you're getting some exclusive stuff. It's an interesting conversation Also, if you enjoy this conversation me and Shan have another conversation that we did There's a lot of conversations going on But there's another episode that just came out today where we talk about how children Can change your sex life? So if you're interested in that go definitely in the bio click the link listen to this podcast It's it's really interesting. Shan gets very emotional. It's real. It's real. That's all I can say It's real but without further ado. Enjoy this conversation between me and my wife and I Think you guys will enjoy it But before you get into this video right now I have to give a shout out to the sponsor of this video Squarespace because right now is the perfect time to build a beautiful powerful stunning online presence and do a big with Squarespace Build a website launch an online store use their mailing lists and other marketing tools Yes, Squarespace is an all-in-one platform to build a beautiful stunning online presence right now today So go to Squarespace comm slash shambhudi to get 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain again That is Squarespace comm slash shambhudi Hi, Shan Hi, Jair Brady Love you. I love you, too. Thanks for coming on my podcast for the billionth time All right, I am curious to know what your reflections are based on Rachel's interview Yeah, I mean there was there was parts of it. I did agree. There's parts. I didn't agree I think overall their relationship seems very healthy regardless if you agree with it or not It seems that they have communication. It seems like they're pretty forward Especially if she's comfortable to talk about this type of subject publicly, you know So I commend her for that What I'm trying to do is make sure what happened last time doesn't happen again because I feel like when I shared The things that I relate to her about about not being in the space of wanting to have sex It got taken as an insult not from you from the audience. I mean, maybe you did take it as an But she did make a key Differentiation between what she's experiencing and what you talked about. So what she's experiencing is not To make it plain English. Yeah, are you experiencing low sex drive or is your drive to have sex with your partner low? She's Experiencing low sex drive that has nothing to do with her drive to have sex with her partner when you've related to her You were experiencing the same sex drive but less of a drive to have sex with me because I was in the third Trimester of pregnancy. Yeah, and but I think That's that's the thing that I think I disagree with is that, you know Men and women may have different sex drives just naturally at certain points in their lives. And so I Think that there is has to be a combination of the low sex drive for her partner as well And that's that's just my assumption, but I just don't think that if you are In a space of just all around low stretch sex drive. There has to be an implication of your partner Being in that as well because you guys are being sexual together That was the root of your relationship you guys shared a story about how it was so hot and magical at one point So when you are not experiencing that and then to be like, well, it's not on you I think it's more of a protection base for the partner rather than just being completely honest of like, hey Yes, I'm having a low sex drive, but you're contributing to that as well I'm having very low sex drive right now. Yeah And I promise you it has nothing to do with you But if it did it's okay, and that's more so my point, but it doesn't okay, so that reality exists I'm gonna get attacked again I'm going to get attacked again. I'm just saying that I think that that's A mistake that a lot of people make is in personalizing it But sometimes it can be and I appreciate that we have the kind of relationship Where I can ask you because when I asked you that question, I was genuinely Dumbfounded like I have this partner who always wants to have sex who all of a sudden I don't really ever hear about it There's no advances. There's no talk of it like what's going on So I was like what's and I checked in with you and then you gave me the honest answer of like I'm still masturbating I still have a drive to ejaculate I still have a drive to be sexual but this whole big belly thing with a human life inside is For whatever reason just not my jam in the space of somebody not being turned on by their partner is Is that okay because in my world? I think it is okay, and it's okay to voice those things and it actually does wonderful things for your relationship because I think a lot of times when people hear that We're in a long relationship there's gonna be times where we're gonna be on fire for each other and there's gonna be times when we're not really into it and I think that's the reality of a lot of people's relationship, and they're so scared to tell their partner Hey right now. I'm just not into it sexually you provide so many other things to me. That's just not limited to just sex and so I think that it can heal a lot of the connection Between a partner if they were able to say that and it not be demonized as this person's bad And I may be only saying that because I'm on this end and you're trying to defend yourself from last year's public dragging No, I'm trying to humanize it is what I'm trying to do And that's the point of this podcast is humanizing the ugly truths about relationships And so you know if I got to go down in the fire and I got a stand on that I just really want this opinion to be out there regardless if it's liked or not That's more so where my stance is and I guess my question is is that okay, or is that a problem? No, I think it's okay if it is your truth. I think it was really helpful although ego check for me at the time because Like I'd mentioned this to you the day that I think I now realize that I know Ryu is a year and three months old So through this experience and going through pregnancy again, what I realized is how Many insecurities I carried with me throughout the concept of having a kid The thought of how it was going to change me the thought of how it was going to change us How it was gonna change my body when I was actually in it What did it mean when we were going through all these rapid changes in a short amount of time? Is this gonna be forever when I came out of it? Will you ever see me the same? Do you have reduced looking like like a mom only so I was always leading with like a neediness to be affirmed And I feel like now that I have the perspective of looking back. I was like nothing needed to be Influx nothing was stressful. Everything was during the time that it was we managed and got our way through it and if I spent less time stressing out and Needing affirmation and more time just leaning into my truth of the time. I would have had a better experience So I think this time around that's really what I'm trying to do is just accept every phase that I'm at where I'm at Where we're at have a dialogue about it not think about what it means for the future or what you actually mean But just taking it one stride one step at a time. Does that make sense? Yeah, it makes sense I think it's gonna be a different story this time around I already noticed in myself because I don't know if you remember but the first time that we had sex when you found out Your pregnant was around the time that you're Praying now and I couldn't get up So the the the thought of a human being being inside of you was affecting me that early on It's not anymore and it was my first time ever Experiencing that and I didn't feel like there was grace around that I felt not from you per se, but the audience doesn't know that right and I feel like the There was a lot of men who did Understand what I was going through but then there was a lot of women who were like she is carrying your child You're supposed to do this no matter what can I just give quick context because I think people might not understand What we're saying what we're saying is that there's a clip that we put out last year that Jared put on tiktok That ended up going viral and the comment section of that clip was really negative towards Jared about Expressing his lack of desire to have sex with his pregnant wife And there wasn't a lot of empathy or curiosity and as a result of that this topic is still sensitive to you Not necessarily sensitive I think that it's a it's more or less of a situation where I want this to be a growing experience for both parties right? for women and for men Because I think that what's really tough about men expressing what they feel is if it doesn't align with what they should feel it's attacked and that There's an assumption that because I didn't then desire to have sex is a we didn't have sex and then B was that there was no intimacy in our relationship and That couldn't be further from the truth Yeah, the desire and our intimate intimacy was different I was rubbing cocoa butter all over your belly like all the time I was doing things for you that were not directly related to sex that it was more less of like intimacy and so that this is my question to you is that if there is a space where The unit is not sexually having or if there's a space where we're not having sex Is it okay if all the other areas are being taken care of? We have this narrative in society that if your sex life is going down your intimacy is going down and your connections going down The passion is going down And that is true for many people and what I love about the definition of HSDD is that an intrinsic part of Low sex drive being an issue a diagnosable issue is frustration Like it has to be causing a problem first and foremost of the person experiencing low sex drive Secondly possibly in the relationship overall So if it's not and it's just an acknowledged season that both of you are going in you can come to understanding it's amazing I think what's also really important to note is that you have to tell your partner or else It's in that grade that a lot of the issues can come from not the lack of sex But the assumption somebody can make about what their partner is Experiencing or doing behind their back because there's a lack of sex Yeah, like there's a there's a temptation to be like well They don't desire me because they may have somebody else or they don't desire me because they fell out of love And in our case that couldn't be further from the truth Well, I think this happens a lot in my experience obviously I talked to women So a lot of women that I know who have a partner who has problems with erections So they have a rectile dysfunction to some degree their partner never addresses it and says hey I have a problem getting up instead. They stop initiating sex They might be even negative towards their partner or make comments about their partner's body or desirability to try to deflect from the fact But it's like it's actually just much more helpful if you're just honest and you say my body's not working the way that I wanted it to Or your body isn't turning me on the way that it used to and that's a tough and ugly conversation That can lead many different ways fortunately for us It led to deeper intimacy because I felt like I now understand and was it a gut check in the moment Yes, and I'm okay with that though because I your truth Just really gave so much context to what was happening at the time women they will do a dishonest act in this in sexual sense all the time and when I mean by that I mean that in the sense of fake orgasms or Not letting their partner know that they're doing something that they don't like I think that they don't tell them Because they imagine what it would feel like if they said that to them like if their partner came to them and said Hey, you know the way that you're doing this is not helping me Yeah, yeah, and they would be hurt by that I think a lot of men want that Conversation to be had nobody wants that conversation to be had they want the growth and the learning and the connection that can come from it if it's Disgust in a delicate way. Yeah, or in a growth mindset way But nobody wants to hear I'm not sexually attracted to you or you don't do it for me But that's the whole point of like switching from an ego mindset to a growth mindset Which it takes a lot of work to do that you have done that so I think you wanted to hear that when I met you Your focus was getting better at sex. It wasn't proving how great you are at sex A lot of people are still in that proving boat But I think when you see the benefits of going into the growth mindset, you're like no I want more of this all the time. So all right, let's walk this back a little bit Let's say that someone's listening and they're like, man, I'm in that space right now I just don't desire to have sex and my partner does How do I come to this conversation gracefully because obviously I did not I kind of came straight shooter But if I had to redo it, what would be the advice that you give me or someone else That's listening that wants to come to their to their partner and talk about this It was really it would have been really helpful if you came to me versus me coming to you So it had to be me who was like Something's different. What's what's up and it happened to be while we were on camera So maybe not that because I mean mind you we control what we put out there But I wish that you would have come to me and been like hey like I'm experiencing this Let's talk about it versus me being like I'm noticing changes that are not in line with what we shared What does that mean about what we share? Yeah, I also just think like There is a balance. I'm a big fan of the compliment sandwich You know, if you know you have a hard truth to share, which is there's something about you that is A turnoff for me right now and it's not always physical. Sometimes it's like I haven't noticed you Working on your personal ambitions in life or you've gotten a bit lazier. You're watching too much Bachelorette. Yes I went through a big bachelorette binge time that you and me like But I understand the show I'm not dissing the show it was it was very grateful It was very grateful for that show I watched it during my sickest times in pregnancy and it brought me joy that Probably nothing else could including Jared's dick. That was just so meaningful to me. I hope that's not uncomfortable truth for you, babe But I think that yeah, like if you have that kind of hard truth, you know start with something pleasant Put that thing, you know in the middle and at the end end it with I love you and I love our connection and I love the fact that now we're Connecting intellectually more or we're more in line when it comes to household duties or we've been co-parenting like bosses like so Yeah, and then invite dialogue so it doesn't end there. Yeah, no, I like that I like that too and I think too. It's like, you know going back to I had this really big discussion about You know the pressures in the programming of the way we think somebody will react to something So we hold on to it and try to deal with it ourselves and I think in that scenario a lot of times partners I know for myself when we're going through something like that We're like, ah man, but this is gonna hurt and I just kind of I hope I can just fix this myself without involving her And she doesn't notice But then it goes on for so long that it's impossible for you not to notice and then you go into your own head So it's just always the best policy and just bring it up and deal with the consequences that they come well in the spirit of that We've been Probably less sexual than we've been in our entire relationship. Yeah, maybe I can't remember the first trimester last time I know it was similar. I don't know if it was like as For me, it was yeah. Yeah Okay, well, I guess this is your second go around being in a dry-ass relationship What are you feeling? How are you? How's it been for you? Um, you know what? It's it's I understand more than I did last um time I understand more in the sense of like You're going through a lot of changes and it's just enough It's a lot of energy for you to just to get out of bed and so I trying to really see it from the lens of you rather than the lens of me and The way that I see it is just kind of like you're Literally creating a life right now It would be really selfish for me to be like and I still expect you to get me off, you know what I mean? And so I'm I I will admit that it is tough Um, especially now because I am so turned on by you and like, you know every time that we do have sex It feels like I have to like take it and I mean that in a very respectful way. I don't mean that in a right way I just more mean that in like the like hey go to the bed. I really want to do something You know, but um, but I I I don't enjoy doing that every time Especially especially because I'm such a a transact not transactional But I'm such a I get off by by knowing that you want this I'm just gonna have to take this one on the chin and hopefully when she's not sick anymore We can get back to business. Um, because it's also the added pressure of We're trying to navigate our sex life with having a one-year-old So then we we roll that into now Where it's like now we have the one-year-old our windows of having sex are very slim And then on top of that it's like me trying not to take it personal of like every time we're alone You happen to have a sick attack and I'm just like So we just we're just not gonna have it. All right. I'm just gonna take this on the chin right now. Um, but but so yeah, what do you feel? Yeah, you know what I don't feel any guilt As you shouldn't I don't you know what it is. I think what actually helps is seeing your connection with ryu and being like This is the cost. Yeah. Yeah, like this is and you can't go through what I'm going through You can't do this for me. You know, there's nothing you can do period literally at all. Um Which is kind of the frustrating thing sometimes so I don't feel any guilt for it And I'm grateful that I have the language now to effectively describe what I needed what I'm going through I also started this season with you because Like I don't know if you notice. I don't even want to kiss like I couldn't drink water I know you don't mind that I know you don't mind that But I can't drink water because the taste of my own saliva makes me nauseous So imagine the taste of your saliva so I'm not healing you though It could But If ginger is not working, I'm gonna guess you don't even like ginger I know but the concept of ginger is supposed to help settle your stomach All I'm saying overall is just it's not only are we not having sex I am joyfully not having sex right now and I have no Interest and I have so much empathy and I've gained so much empathy the last pregnancy For low sex drive because I know what it's like because I've always been sexual and I've always even if You know one of my favorite books talks about this that for a lot of women in particular That they may not even get turned on until they're five minutes into the act So sometimes I don't want to have sex but you initiate and we have I wouldn't say a rule but what we have done in our relationship historically is if one person comes on to the other person The other person is like, okay, cool. We're doing this. We very rarely turn each other down um if not probably ever so Usually even if I'm not in the mood at that moment, I'll get there five minutes in now I don't so I don't want to and it's like came to you really early on I was like Jared I think you should get a friend's of benefits I then also flew you to an island where we are in a house on lockdown You can't see anybody so maybe there was some Jedi mind trick to that But that is how passionate I am right now about being left alone sexually Almost to me right now the last thing I want I already feel guilty enough as is with Ryu like even yesterday when I was like I need time to myself and then you're like stay away from mommy. She doesn't want to be with you. You didn't say that That's what my mind. I know you didn't say that but my mind hears that and I'm like the guilt You know because she doesn't have comprehension for what I'm going through So because you do have comprehension like the last thing I want is any added guilt or like any feelings of pressure and to alleviate that I'm like do whatever you have to do. I'm happy for it And I love you and I love the intimacy we share right now And the last thing I want is resentment to creep in or for you not to be in a space where you feel like your best self And I know as a sexual person sex makes you feel like your best self I know desire and feeling like a desirable man is so so important to you And I hope you know with all my heart. I deeply desire you never been fine or we talked about this You have never been better looking you are so sexy. You are so fuckable. You are so wantable Just personally right now. I just again, like I said, I don't even desire to masturbate. Um, so for those reasons I personally would feel like yes, like We're so incompatible right now that it's logical for you to have another partner If it's going to bring you balance and joy and then as a result through compulsion, I would feel joy Yeah, and I just for the record. I don't feel Any disconnection between us even though we're not in a sexual season Um, so I I don't feel that and I never took it on personally I think I think there's there's a difference between, you know, what I was going through at the time because You were the one who's pregnant. You have a better excuse than I did But you know, I think the conversations are always good to have because There's no connection without true honesty And if I'm lying to you or you're lying to me, then we're always just gonna feel like there's something off with our relationship You know, imagine if you never told me when we first started. Hey, I don't want to really have sex And then we're we're going days and days and I'm like, what? Is it me? What's happening? And so I just think honesty is always going to make us closer regardless if it's hurtful Would you have been comfortable with me coming to you and saying you're not interested? But I am interested. So what can what's up? What can I do? It would be tough for me. I'm not gonna lie And I think the only reason why it would be tough for you for me is because you're pregnant And even like even like you saying go and uh and have another partner right now It would be tough for me to for me to go and do that because you're pregnant And it might be society, right? It might be society putting that on me. Um, because I remember when you said, hey I think it's time for you to find a little friends of benefits right now My instant reaction was like, I just would feel off. Do you know what I did ask you for? I said because not only did I get, you know, a bigger belly. I got huge breasts And I felt like you were not Sexually in tune with my breasts at that time. So I was like, can I send a picture of my breasts to somebody? Who I know is going to appreciate how hot they are and you were like, I would But I also said if you need to do it, you know, that's the part of the conversation I'm just also telling you know my truth on it. I did. Yeah, I know you did. You didn't know that. Yes, I did Who'd I say to? I don't know, but I know you did. I blurred out the nipples though It's not I put an emoji over the nipples. It's almost worse It's almost worse. I'm tell you that I'll tell you that my men's imagination is strong Because now we get to put the nipple that they in like on it You don't think my nipple is someone's dream nipple. I'm sure it is but Now this it for sure is with the thing covering it. Okay It was a frog if that helps No It doesn't it doesn't help What would you what would how would you feel if I said the dick pic? I think again if we had that conversation about it and have knowing what I know now and If it made you feel kind of happy and more connected at this present time again Like I said, like I genuinely think that you've never been sexier than you are right now And I can express that to you verbally, but I can't show you that appreciation through sexual lust and if you require that For your happiness and for your wellness, you know, I'm not going to stand in the way of that I can't I can't It's easy. Oh, this is this is manipulative. I'm gonna tell you why because How am I ever going to make it seem like my wellness is better because I sent the dick pink Well, my wellness was better because I said a picture of my boobs No, it's not it is I felt better. I felt on fire. I brought that fire to our relationship We're here together because of that Everybody listening right now if your man came to you and said, hey my my mental health is dwindling I need to send a dick pic right now. So my my I feel better about myself. How would you respond? Let's be real I think we can end it there. We're at 28 minutes 52 seconds This was a joyful conversation an ongoing conversation. Yeah, I love you. I love you too. I'm very turned on by you Yeah, but you don't want to show it I don't want this to roll over into sexy time. I thought if there was a split second where I thought like maybe Maybe I can get off right now Thank you so much for watching that entire video. I think it was an interesting conversation I think it's it's it's fun. You know, I I can't wait to hear your guys's thoughts I can't wait to go to the comment section hear everybody's opinions and and what they would do if their partner was experiencing low sex drive Um, but like I said in the top of the episode It's the new year, baby. It's time to get that Big idea big popping and when you want to get it popping go to squarespace.com slash shambudi To get 10 off of that first purchase of a website now. If you don't know anything about Squarespace Let me ramble on a couple things that you might need to know about them Squarespace is user friendly giving beginners the power to look professional with slick Fresh templates blogging tools and in-depth analytics now Listen guys analytics are very very important because that's how you're going to tell What you need to address and what you need to fix or what is working on your website And if you're into mailing list or email campaigns, I'm trying to tell you might want to switch over to Squarespace because I found that is the most Cost-efficient way of doing this process and they have so many modern templates. I'm telling you it makes it so simple Even for me who has no idea how to code I find that I can customize my website or email campaigns or anything that I have to do on Squarespace I can customize it to my taste and we all know when you're building the brand your taste is everything so Head over to squarespace.com stop playing around and go play around in their websites So you can make the perfect one for you and when you're ready to launch Go over to squarespace.com slash shambudy to get 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain again That is squarespace.com slash shambudy to get 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain You