 This is why the narcissist needs your reaction. The narcissist needs you to do, feel or think something in response to something they are saying or doing or to a situation or event. They need your feedback. They need your validation because it gives them a sense of control of themselves. They naturally feel like they are lacking control of themselves, like they are lacking the power to direct or manage their own feelings and behavior. So when they get a reaction out of you, they feel like they have some control over you, which makes them feel like they're in control of themselves. But it's a delusion. They are lying to themselves because you can do, feel or think whatever you want and whenever you choose to, especially when you're not around them. So they have to try to predict what you're going to do in reaction to what they're saying or doing to you, which is a catch 22. It's a difficult circumstance from which there is no escape because of mutually conflicting and dependent conditions because they're always the common denominator. They're always present. So all they're ever going to get is a reflection of themselves or whatever they think or deem to be true because your thoughts, feelings and behavior are always going to be in reaction to whatever they're saying or doing. But if they were not present, your behavior would be very different. So they never actually receive an authentic version of you. They only get a reflection of themselves or of who they are being, which is why it isn't long until they end up devaluing you and hating you because they actually hate themselves, which is why they're constantly seeking this distraction outside of themselves. And it's not by connecting to your authentic self. It's by turning you into whatever they need you to be in that moment so that they can feel better. So they're living a lie, a delusion, a fantasy. They detach from reality. But sadly, none of them will ever come to this conclusion. And instead, they will blame you for their own thoughts, feelings and behavior. When the truth is that they lack discipline and self-control, they lack a sense of self and an innocent value because if they had an identity and even a tiny amount of self-worth, they wouldn't be trying to get anything from you. They would be validating themselves, but they can't because they're very insecure. They're not confident. They're very uncertain and anxious about themselves, which is why that is exactly how you will feel after an interaction or engagement with them because they will project their emotional state onto you. They're very suffocating and overbearing. They give you no space or room to be your authentic self. So the only thing you can do is try to protect yourself by becoming defensive because as an authentic person, yourself is all that you have. You don't have anything else to give. So all you can do is reflect back to them whatever they think or feel or however they're behaving in that moment. But because they're very insecure and they lack emotional intelligence, many of them will actually detach these characteristics from themselves and assign them to you and hold you responsible for it because they're completely delusional. They're out of touch with reality. Some of them may know that it's them and not you, but they're too far gone to care because they're so emotionally unstable. They have no control over themselves and that is why they have to control you. A person who has discipline and self-control feels no need to control anyone unless there is a serious or imminent threat. But anything could be a threat to a narcissist because they're very insecure. So they read too much into things. They believe that an action remark or situation has particular importance or meaning often when this is not even true. They find infer or attribute some additional meaning or different interpretation based on what is presented and you will know that this is true because this is what they will often try to project onto you. They will try to get you to read into things because something is constantly overpowering their minds. They have this inner voice or inner critic and they can't control it. They can't make a stop and yet they see how you're able to enjoy peace and solitude and they can't stand it because their reality isn't like that. Something is always on their minds which is why they always have to provoke you. They always need your reaction just so they can feel like they're okay, so they can feel comfortable and sane when again this is just another lie that they're telling themselves. They're living in delusion. They're holding false beliefs and judgments about external reality despite undeniable evidence to the contrary because they have a mental condition which is why it seems like they always misunderstand you. You're never on the same page. They can never have an intelligent conversation with you and they already know it. Many of them already know that they lack the capacity for logic, understanding, self-awareness, learning, emotional knowledge, reasoning, planning, creativity and problem solving which is why they tend to assume rather than ask and study or researching. They just make it up as they go along. They invent stories without thinking about how they will end. They improvise continuously without formal guidelines, structure or rules and it's because they lack intelligence. They lack the ability to acquire and apply knowledge and skills which is why they're so chaotic where they seem to be in a state of complete confusion and disorder even though at times it may be deliberate but either way it's because they want to dumb you down. They want to make you simple and less complicated because they're unable to understand anyone else's concepts but their own. Some of them may understand but they just don't care. They have no interest or emotional investment in the topic or subject but they feel powerful and important when they can get you to react and because they're so power hungry they can spend hours winding you up and getting you to explain basic simple concepts because all they're concerned with is your reaction but a lot of them really don't understand or even hear what you're saying. All they know is that they feel insecure and that your reaction can make them feel better so they're going to fight tooth and nail until they get that from you but they do know that something is seriously wrong with them which is why they're covert. It's why they work undercover and conceal what they do it's why they hide behind a mask it's why they act in secret because they already know that what they're doing is wrong but they love having covert control over you because when they can get you to react to make them feel like they're in control of themselves they won't see you as a separate individual with your own needs once in feelings and instead they will treat you as an extension of themselves to achieve their desired result they will control your appearance interest ambitions that other activities so that they align with the image that they are trying to project they won't allow your authentic experiences and individuality to develop instead they will condition love and praise on you conforming to how they want you to be and what pleases them because they're trying to filter something through you and whatever it is it's typically something that will make them feel more secure and in control so they will break you down until you resemble a puppet or an inanimate object until you're lifeless and motionless until you're lacking consciousness and power and then they will pull the strings they will be in control of events and all of your actions often in a secret way they will plan and coordinate the elements of a situation to produce the desired effect and then they will sit back and watch your reaction as though it occurred naturally as though it was the result of your own conscious thoughts and reasoning they see you as an extension of them and that's exactly what's going on in their minds they're doing all of these ridiculous things to you and they're wondering how it got to this point they may never have thought that they would have become this way but the reality is that if it wasn't you it would have been with someone else because they're self-absorbed and they lack empathy they only care about themselves and that was the decisive deciding and determining factor it was the most important reason and if they had made a different decision things would have turned out very differently and a justifiable excuse would not be that they can't help themselves it's not that they can't control the reactions or stop themselves from doing something they're making an effort on their own behalf they're doing it for their own direct benefit and it's to control your emotional state because if they can control your emotional state they can control everything about you which is their idea of fun it's what they live for when they wake up in the morning you're likely the first thing on their minds because they've already conditioned and exerted their influence on you you're like their project their emotional dumping ground so that they can blame and justify their crazy behaviors on you for make them crazy and they will often project that it is you who is crazy about them as though they are the target or victim when in reality it's always their victim who was acting crazy because of them and if they can make you look crazy they believe that it shows the world that the reactions are justified and many of them actually believe their own lies they focus on your reaction rather than what caused you to react to them even though they could have been provoking you for hours and they may have been badgering you and following you around because in their minds they are perfect in every way it's not in the realm of possibility that they could ever be wrong so the victim is always the one who is at fault for everything that goes wrong even if you did everything that they demanded they are never responsible for anything that goes wrong they are only responsible for everything that goes right if they did something wrong they would only bring it up if they can use it to get supply and thus gain even more control over your emotions they will play mind games just a mess with your mind they will engage in courses of psychologically manipulative behavior intended to make you feel uncomfortable to make you confused exasperated frustrated or anxious to make you question your own memory perception and sanity and it's often because of your own innocence and naivety which is what makes you different it's what makes you stand out amongst all of the hard-aged people in this world and you may even have an innocent look predators have a tendency to prey on innocent people for their own harmful and selfish desires and motives they see you as an easy target as someone who is easy for them to abuse without fear of retribution as someone who is easy for them to bully and harass because maybe you're friendly helpful or kind or you're too embarrassed to talk about it they see you as naive or stupid and maybe you don't have much experience in life maybe you had a sheltered upbringing where you experienced very little danger or excitement maybe you were too protected by your parents maybe your parents were narcissistic so it normalized the abuse it's what you've always known you've never known anything different and it may also be because you're an introvert you may not have had much emotional support maybe you never had anyone there to guide you through life's challenges you prefer calm environments you limit social engagement often by your own choice or because the narcissist isolated you or started a smear campaign against you so that no one would ever believe you but it may also be because you prefer to be alone you may be primarily concerned with your own thoughts and feelings but you may also be an empath you're able to emotionally understand what other people feel see things from their point of view and imagine yourself in their shoes but you also have a disposition that is taxed by social engagement because you're very concerned about what other people think or feel which is why you tend to feel energized by calm environments and you have the preference flight solitude which again makes you a very easy target because it makes it very easy for them to wind you up and stood up negative emotions in you it makes it very easy for them to gain power and control over you because a calm quiet and peaceful environment that you might prefer is the exact opposite of the type of environment that a narcissist thrives in they thrive in chaos and dysfunction they enjoy it it gives them an opportunity to let off some steam so although at first it may seem strange to you that the narcissist would gravitate to you to them it's like a match made in heaven you perfectly complement that emotional needs and when they first target you they can make it seem like they're curious about you because they will want to know everything that makes you happy and they want to know everything that makes you sad because if they know everything that makes you happy they're your savior they're this person who saves you from danger or difficulty and if they know everything that makes you sad they can punish you and hurt you which is why in one moment they will be shouting and yelling at you until they make you break down in tears and then in the next moment they will apologize and try to comfort you because their power is in your reactions especially when they can get a negative reaction out of you it gives them a power trip it makes them feel alive when they can use power to control you they enjoy it when they can use your buttons watch you explode it makes them feel good which is why you may often see them smiling or laughing even while you're screaming or crying and the only thing you can do is take back your power by not reacting which will often be very difficult for you to do because they will say or do anything to get a rise out of you I heard about one situation in a video on YouTube where a narcissist murdered the victim's cat and left its courts on their doorstep and all they're looking for when they do this is a reaction they're looking for you to do feel or think something as a direct result of something that they have said or done because that will make them happy the more malignant they are the more pleasure they will derive from your pain and discomfort and after they've said or done something hurtful you may even see them observing your facial expressions for a reaction because how they feel is entirely dependent on how you're doing it is a conscious and deliberate choice that they are making but it benefits them and it has gotten them a lot of success in the past so they have no incentive to change which is why all you can really do is grave rock or leave the broom or leave the relationship the city or the country if it is safe for you to do so because they're not going to change they're not going to give up something that gives them power and the more that you react and respond it just feels the fire because you're just offering them the attention that they desire so it gives them a motivation to keep going and continue the abuse because it's eliciting a reaction to their behavior and if you've been with them for a long period of time it will feel like you're acted against your own conscious choice as if you're possessed as though a spirit is taking control of your body it's like the boiling frog or chained elephant syndrome it's the result of a pattern of acts of assault threat humiliation and intimidation which they repeatedly use to harm punish and frighten you until it leaves you more open to suggestion as you lose control over your behavior and when you react you are the one who gets in trouble because all they're going to see is your reaction they're not going to reflect on anything they did to you and they may even take off their phone and record you to use it as an advantage to keep you submissive compliant and obedient to keep you under control to prevent you from leaving when you are around a narcissist anything you say or do even your reactions can and will be used against you later especially if you try to leave or if you threaten to expose them if they suspect it they will expose you first or they will threaten it to prevent you from leaving until you decide to stay because you fear being exposed even after everything they did to you which is why all you can do is try to manage your reactions because otherwise the situation will escalate and they will use it to further manipulate abuse and control you so all you can do is remain calm and try to be happy even though you may feel foolish and crazy or you just have to leave the relationship if it is safe for you to do so but even then it will trigger that abandonment wounds and that may make them fear the threat of exposure so they may enforce their flying monkeys and start a smear campaign against you they can't live without control because they feel a deep-seated sense of powerlessness and inadequacy they grew up in homes where they felt neglected when supported and as a result they developed an inflated sense of self-importance as a way to make themselves feel better and that's what they're chasing this rush of dopamine and adrenaline which floods their brains anytime that they manage to get a reaction out of you even though it's void of any connection or intimacy and they don't even view you as a separate person with your own feelings or needs that's just what it does for them it makes them feel alive and that's all they really care about as I've said before the best you will ever get from a narcissist is an illusion because they live in this make-believe world inside their own heads with a population of one thank you for watching if you found this video helpful please give it a thumbs up share your thoughts in the comment section hit the subscribe button to receive the notifications if you would like to support the channel you could donate a payable to me slash NARC survivor you could book a one-on-one with me on my website it's NARC survivor the good UK thank you for watching and I'll talk to you soon