 Chapter 34 of the Life of St. Teresa. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Anne Boulet. The Life of St. Teresa by Teresa of Jesus. Translated by the Reverend John Dalton. Chapter 34. She mentions how she was obliged to leave Avila and the reason thereof. Being commanded to go by her superior to comfort a lady there, who was much afflicted. Notwithstanding all the care I took that people might not know what we were doing, the whole of this business could not be carried on with such secrecy, without certain persons knowing something about it. Some believed it and others did not. I was greatly afraid that if the provincial should come and they happen to tell him about it, he might command me to abandon the affair altogether and then all the undertaking would be at an end. But our Lord ordained matters in such a way that in a large city more than twenty leagues distant, there was a certain lady in deep affliction for the death of her husband. She was reduced to such extremity of sorrow that her health was endangered. She had heard something of such a miserable sinner as myself. For it seems our Lord had so ordained that person spoke well of me to her in order that other good effects might be produced, which I shall mention, and which followed from this journey. This lady was well acquainted with the provincial, who, considering what a respectable lady she was, and that I was in a monastery which did not keep enclosure, our Lord gave her so great a desire to see me, thinking she would be comforted by my means that she could not possibly stop any longer without using all her endeavours to get me there. And so she wrote to the provincial, who was then at a great distance. He sent me a command under obedience that I should immediately visit the lady and take a companion with me. On the night of the nativity I received the command, and it put me to some confusion, and gave me much trouble to see they were resolved to take me away, as if they saw some good in me. But knowing myself how wicked I was, I could not endure the thought of the journey, and so recommending myself earnestly to God, I remained during all the times of matins, or at least during the greater part of them in a great rapture. Our Lord then told me that I must not fail to undertake the journey, and that I was not to listen to the opinion of others. For few would think they could advise me to go without rashness, but that however painful the journey might be to me, yet he would be greatly served thereby, and it would also be proper to absent myself from the monastery till the brief should arrive, because the devil had devised a great plot when the provincial should come, but yet that I must be afraid of nothing, for he would assist me in the business. These words strengthened and comforted me exceedingly, and I mentioned all to the rector, who told me that I must go by all means. But others said I ought not to go, and that it was only a stratagem of the devil, in order that some evil might happen to me, and that my best plan would be to write to the provincial. But I obeyed the rector, and considering also what had happened in prayer, I began my journey without fear, but yet not without extreme confusion to consider for what object they sent for me, and finding how much they were deceived, it made me importune our Lord the more not to forsake me. But I was comforted to know that in the place I was going to, there was a college belonging to the society of Jesus, and by being obedient to their commands, I thought I should enjoy some security. When I arrived there, our Lord was pleased to give the lady so much comfort, that an improvement in her health immediately began to be visible, for every day she became better and better. This was the more to be prized, because, as I said before, the pain she had kept her in great trouble. But our Lord, no doubt, granted her ease on account of the many prayers which certain holy persons whom I knew made in her behalf, in order that everything might succeed well. She was herself full of the fear of God, and so good that her deep piety supplied for what was wanting in me. She conceived a great affection for me, and seeing her goodness, I conceived the same for her. But still all was across to me, for the attention they paid me was a great torment to me, and making so much of me cause me to fear exceedingly. My soul was therefore so recollected, that I durst not be careless in any way, and our Lord also was not unmindful of me. For while I was there, he showed me excessive favors, and these gave me such great liberty of soul, as to make me despise all the esteem I received there. And the more I received, the more I despised it, so that I failed not to treat with those ladies, who were so great, with as much liberty as if I had been equal to them, though they were of such honorable birth that I might, without any dishonor to myself, have been their servant. I derived great advantage from all this, and so I told her. I saw that she was a woman subject to weakness and passions like myself, and what little reason she had to esteem her greatness and power, which in proportion as it is great, brings after it so much the more trouble and care. And they are so careful to live in a manner conformable to their rank, that the trouble hardly allows them to live, for they eat out of the proper time and out of order, because everything must be done in accordance with their station, and not with regard to their health and constitution, and sometimes even they must feed upon such meats, that are more agreeable to their greatness than to their taste, and thus I abhor the idea of being a great lady. May God deliver me from such a dangerous state, though she of whom I am speaking is one of the principal ladies in the kingdom, and I believe there are few more humble and more affable than she is, but still I have compassion for her, to see how she sometimes acts, not in conformity with her own inclination, but to comply with the rules of her state. In servants there is little trust to be placed, and though those which she had were good, yet she could not speak more confidently to one than to another, and if she does, then whoever is most favored by her is sure to be less beloved by the others. This high state is indeed a slavery, and one of the greatest lives which the world tells is, when it calls such persons as these, Lords and Ladies. To me they seem to be nothing more than slaves a thousand times over. Our Lord also was pleased while I remained in this Lady's house, that the domestic should greatly improve in serving His Majesty, though I was not free from some troubles, and some persons even envied me, on account of the great affection which this Lady had for me. They might perhaps fancy that I had some personal interest in what I did, and so our Lord permitted them to give me some little trials, both in this and other ways, in order to prevent me from being intoxicated by the kindness and attention that were paid me on the other side. But from all these troubles He was pleased to deliver me to the great benefit of my soul. While I was yet remaining there, a certain religious, who was a very eminent person, and whom I had sometimes consulted many years before, happened to come to this place. While I was at mass one day in a monastery of His order, which was near the place where I resided, a desire came upon me to know in what disposition His soul then was, for I desired that He might become a great servant of God. I rose up that I might go and speak to Him, but being already recollected in prayer, I thought afterwards it would be lost time, and besides, what had I to do with Him? I then began to sit down again, and as far as I remember now, I did this very same thing three several times. At last my good angel became stronger than the evil one, and so I went and inquired for Him. I began to ask Him many questions, as He did me also, because many years had passed away since we last met, respecting the lives we led. I began to tell Him that as for mine, it had been subject to many afflictions. When He heard this, He pressed me to acquaint Him with those afflictions, and I replied that it was not fit to know them, nor very fit for me to relate them. But He made answer that since the Dominican Father of whom I spoke before knew them, He would soon make Him acquainted with them, as they were both great friends, and therefore I should not feel any unwillingness or difficulty in relating them. The truth is, He could not refrain from importuning me, nor was I able to prevent myself telling them to Him. For with all that trouble and shame which I used to have whenever I spoke on these matters, yet when I discourse about them with this man, and with the rector of whom I have already spoken, I had no trouble at all, but it was rather a comfort to me. I therefore explained my whole life to Him, but under the seal of confession, and He appeared to me more prudent than ever, though I always considered Him to be a man of strong understanding, and I admired the great talents and qualifications He had, which would enable Him to do much good. Were He holy and entirely to give Himself up to God? This wish I have had for some years, that I cannot see anyone who pleases me, but I must instantly desire that He might give Himself entirely to God, and I wish so ardently that sometimes I can hardly contain myself. And though I desire all the world might serve our Lord, yet I desire, with great impulses and impetuosity, that those who please me should do it most, and therefore I used to importune our Lord in their behalf. As regards the religious man of whom I was speaking, He requested me to recommend Him earnestly to Almighty God, but there was not much necessity for Him to tell me to do this, for I was already so taken with Him that I could not possibly do otherwise. And so I went, quite alone, to the place where I was accustomed to pray, and being then in deep recollection, I began to speak with our Lord, but it was in a manner so very familiar that I often knew not what I was saying. For then it is love which speaks, and the soul is so disengaged from herself that she does not consider what a difference there is between her and God. The love which I know His majesty has for me makes my soul forget herself, for she thinks she is then in Him, and so, as if both He and she were one and the same without distinction, she speaks foolish things. After I had entreated our Lord with abundance of tears, that the soul of this religious might devote herself in good earnest to His service, I remembered having thus spoken to our Lord, that though I had Him already in reality, yet that would not content me, for I must have Him altogether, and I also said, Oh Lord, do not refuse me this favor. Consider that this good man is fit to be numbered as our friend. Oh, how great is the goodness and kindness of God. He does not consider so much our words as the desires and affections with which they are spoken. But how could He allow such a miserable creature as I am to speak to Him with so much boldness? May He be blessed forever and ever. I remember that during those hours of prayer there came upon me that night a great affliction, for I was thinking whether I was in favor with God. But as I could not tell whether I was in His favor or no, I desired not so much to know this as to die, rather than to continue in such a life, wherein I could not be sure whether I was dead or no, for I could not endure a more cruel death than to think I had offended God. And this pain afflicted me so much that even caressed as I was and dissolved in tears, I entreated His Majesty not to permit it. And then I came to understand that I was in a state of grace, because such a love for God and my having received those favors and feelings from His Majesty were not compatible with the soul in a state of mortal sin. In the meantime, I began to be confident that our Lord would grant what I had asked for that other person. He told me to say certain words to Him, but this command troubled me much because I knew not how to utter them, for to carry a message to a third person in the way I have mentioned is what always afflicts me, especially when I know not how it will be received or whether the person will not laugh at me for my pains. This gave me much trouble, but I was at last so far persuaded as to promise God that I would not neglect mentioning those words, and on account of the great confusion I was in, I wrote them and delivered them to Him. This action seemed to have been inspired by God, by the great effect it produced, for He very seriously resolved to give Himself to prayer, though still He did not do it immediately. But as our Lord wished to make Him holy His own, He was pleased to declare certain truths to Him by my means, which though I did not then understand myself, yet they happened so opportunely for Him that He was amazed there at. Our Lord disposed Him to believe they came from His Majesty, and I, on the other hand, though so miserable a creature, earnestly besought our Lord that He would perfectly turn Him to Himself and make Him detest all the pleasures and enjoyments of this life. And He has been pleased to grant me this favor, for which may He be praised forever, and He did the favor in so complete a manner that whenever this holy man speaks to me, it makes me almost go out of myself. For had I not seen it with my own eyes, I should have doubted whether in so short a time so many favors could have been bestowed upon a creature. And these keep Him so occupied on God that already He seems not to live for anything in this life. May His Majesty take Him by the hand, for if He should continue to advance in this way, as I trust in our Lord, He will. His soul being so deeply rooted in the knowledge of Himself, He will become one of the most eminent of God's servants, and will do great good to many souls on account of the deep experience He has acquired in a short time of spiritual things. These are gifts which God gives when and how He likes, without any respect either to time or services. I say not, but that these sometimes avail much. Still, I wish to say that our Lord sometimes gives not after twenty years of contemplation what He bestows upon another in one year. Our Lord knows the reason of this. There is also an error which deceives us when it seems we understand that by the course of years, which can, however, in no way be obtained without experience. And so many error, as I have said, in thinking that they are fit to judge of spiritual things without having any spirituality themselves. I say not, but that a learned man, even should he have no knowledge of spiritual things, may direct another man who is spiritual. But this is to be understood both interiorly and exteriorly, so far as it may be conformable with his natural powers by the help of the understanding. And as for those things which are supernatural, a person must be careful to act in conformity with Holy Scripture. For the rest, let him not vex or harass himself, nor imagine he understands that of which in reality he knows nothing, nor should he choke and stifle spirits which, as regards these things, are governed by another and higher Lord. They are not without a superior of their own. Be not amazed at this, nor let these things seem impossible to you, for all things are possible with our Lord. But endeavor to strengthen your faith and to humble yourself, when you see that our Lord knows how to make a poor ignorant woman more wise perhaps in this science than another person, however learned he may be. By means of this humility, one will be able to do more good, both to the souls of others and to himself, than if he became a hermit without this virtue. I repeat again and again that if he be not a man of experience and have not abundance of humility, whereby to know that he does not understand the matter, and such a case is not impossible, that he will gain but little himself, and he also whom guides him will gain still less. But if he have humility, then he need not fear our Lord will ever permit that either the one or the other will be deceived. But now to return to this father of whom I was speaking. Though our Lord had given him experience in many things, yet he also endeavor to acquire all that may be obtained by study, and whenever his own experience fails him, he gains information by means of those who have more. And here our Lord comes into his assistance by giving him greater faith, and thus he does great good, both to his own soul and to those of others also, and mine is among the number. For as our Lord knew the many afflictions I should have to endure, it seems his majesty so provided that as some of them would be brought upon me by those who directed me, there might be others likewise to help me in these trials and to do me great good. Our Lord has so completely changed this religious that so to speak he is not like the man he was before. He has also given him great corporal strength to do penance, which before was impossible to him, for he was always unwell. But now he is full of courage to do everything that is good, and he has likewise a variety of other good qualities, which make it quite clear that his vocation came in a very special manner from our Lord. May he be blessed forever. I believe that all the good he has received has come from the favors our Lord bestowed upon him in prayer, and these are not artificial things, for our Lord has been pleased to give him experience of them in many cases, and he has given proofs that he is one who understands very well the value of that merit which is acquired by patiently bearing persecutions. I trust in the greatness of our Lord that some persons of his order will gain great benefit by his means and even the whole of the order itself. This already begins to be understood. I have seen wonderful visions, and our Lord has told me some particulars relating both to him and the rector of the college belonging to the society of Jesus, and these particulars are deserving of great admiration. I heard other things of two more religious men belonging to the order of Saint Dominic, but of one especially, of whose advancement in spiritual matters our Lord has already manifested some proofs to the world. I had also formerly heard of him, but many things are related of him of whom I was speaking before. One of these I will now relate. I was once with him in the locutory of the monastery, and so great was the love which my soul understood was burning in his that I was almost absorbed by it, for I was considering the greatness of God and how in so short a time he had raised the soul to such an admirable state. He puts me to great confusion when I hear him listen with such deep humility to what I sometimes say to him about prayer, and I can say but little to such a person as he was, but our Lord was pleased to bear with me through the earnest desire I had to see him a great proficient in prayer. And it did me so much good to be with him that he seemed to inflame my soul with new fire and with new desires to serve our Lord just as if I had then to begin over again. Oh my Jesus, what cannot a soul do when she is all inflamed with thy love? We ought to esteem such a soul very much and beseech our Lord to allow her to remain in this life. Whoever has the same kind of love should follow such souls as far as possible. It is a great comfort to a sick man to find another afflicted with the same disease, for it is a consolation for him to see that he is not alone. They help one another both to suffer and to merit. They unite together like men, determined to risk a thousand lives for the cause of God, and they desire no other happiness than to meet with some opportunity of offering themselves and sacrifice for his service. They are like brave soldiers who, in order to gain the spoils of their enemy and so become rich, desire that there may still be wars because they know well there is no other means whereby to better themselves. To labor is their occupation. And oh, what an admirable thing it is when our Lord gives us light to know how much is gained by suffering for him. This truth is not well understood till everything be given up because whoever keeps anything for himself proves that he esteems it worth something. And if he esteem it worth something, he cannot help being sorry at leaving it. But here all is quite lost, and the proverb comes in well which says that he is a lost man who goes after that which is lost. And what greater perdition, blindness and misfortune than to esteem that highly which in itself is nothing. To return now to what I was saying, being excessively delighted at beholding that soul, in which I thought our Lord wished me clearly to see the treasures he had placed in her and considering the favor he had done me in having made me the means of it being effected. Though I knew I was unworthy of such a favor, I valued the more the favors our Lord had bestowed upon him and considered I was more a debtor for them than if they had been conferred on myself. And I praised our Lord exceedingly because I saw that his majesty still continued to accomplish my desires and to hear my prayers in which I begged of him to excite the spirit of such persons. In the meantime, my soul, unable to bear such excess of joy, went out of herself and lost herself in order to gain more. She lost these present considerations and the hearing of that divine tongue in which the Holy Spirit seemed to speak and there came on me a great rapture which made me in a manner lose my senses, though it lasted but a short time. I saw Christ in very great majesty and glory showing that he was exceedingly well pleased with what passed there. And so he told me and he wished me clearly to know that he is always present at such conferences and is extremely delighted when men love to speak of him. At another time, being far from this place, I saw this religious carried on high by angels with great glory. I understood by this vision that his soul was making great progress and so she was for he was slandered with a horrible crime by a person whom he had formerly obliged and whose soul and reputation he had greatly benefited. This affliction he endured with admirable patience and he did many other things which promoted God's honor besides suffering other persecutions. I need not, I think, relate any more here as your reverence knows them already. But if you think otherwise, they may afterwards be related for our Lord's greater glory. All the predictions respecting this monastery which I have already mentioned and others which I shall afterwards relate about and several other matters all have been fulfilled. Some were told me three years before they were known, others sooner and some later as our Lord related them to me. I always mention them to my confessor and to this widow who was my friend with whom I had liberty to talk freely and she, as I learned afterwards, discovered them to others who know that I do not lie. This our Lord never allowed me to do in anything and much less than matters so important for I always spoke the whole truth. A cousin of mine dying suddenly, I was exceedingly troubled because he had no time to confess. I was told in prayer that my sister should die in this way and therefore I was to go to her and exhort her to prepare for death. This I told to my confessor and as he did not give me leave to go, our Lord mentioned the matter to me several other times and when I acquainted my confessor with this, he bade me go, for there was no harm in doing so. She lived in a certain village and I came there without saying anything to her at first or telling her the reason at once, but I proceeded by little and little and gave her what light I could in everything. I persuaded her to confess often and above all things to take care of her soul as she was very pious she did so. Having continued in this way for four or five years afterwards and taken very great care of her conscience, she died without seeing anyone or being able to make her confession. It fortunately happened that she had been to confession only a week before. I was exceedingly glad when I heard of her death. She was a very short time in purgatory. It was not, I think, quite eight days after when one morning after I had communicated, our Lord appeared to me and I saw him conductor to glory. During all those years up to the very moment of her death, I never forgot what had been said to me nor did my companion who upon hearing the unexpected news of her death came to me quite amazed to see how punctually the words were fulfilled which our Lord had spoken to me. May he be blessed forever who takes such care of souls that they may not perish. Amen. End of chapter 34 Chapter 35 of the life of Saint Teresa. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Anne Boulet. The Life of Saint Teresa by Teresa of Jesus translated by the Reverend John Dalton. Chapter 35 The saint continues the history of the foundation of Saint Joseph's monastery, etc. Having now lived with the above-mentioned lady for more than half a year, our Lord so ordered things that a devout nun of our order, Maria de Jesus, came to hear of me, though she was more than seventy leagues from this place. She happened, however, to be traveling this way and understanding that I was here. She went some miles out of her road in order to see me. Our Lord inspired her the same year and month that he had moved me to erect another monastery of our order. Through this desire she sold all she had and went to Rome barefoot in order to obtain leave. She is a woman of great penance and prayer and our Lord had bestowed upon her many favors. Our blessed lady also appeared to her and bade her execute her design. She so surpassed me in serving our Lord that I was ashamed to appear before her. She showed me the dispatches she brought from Rome and during the fortnight that we lived together we arranged how we should have these monasteries built. Till I had consulted with her I never knew that our rule before it was mitigated forbade our having property. I was unwilling to found the house without revenue because my intention was not to harass ourselves with the care of providing what was necessary for our support not reflecting on the many cares property brings along with it. But as our Lord taught this blessed woman she knew well, though not able to read what I, with all the study of our constitutions was yet ignorant of. When she told me this I was glad though I was afraid the superiors would not consent there too but that they would say I attempted extravagant things and should not undertake matters for which others might suffer on my account. Had I concerned myself only nothing would have withheld me from founding the house in poverty. Rather did I feel great pleasure in thinking that I was to observe the counsels of Christ our Lord because His Majesty had already given me strong desires of poverty. Thus for my own part I made no doubt but that it was for the best for long before I had wished this might be the case suitable to my state to go begging for the love of God and to have nothing, neither house nor anything else. But I was afraid that if our Lord did not give the same desires to others they might perhaps be discontented and also I was afraid less it might be a cause of some distraction for I saw some poor monasteries not very recollected not considering that their poverty came from wants of recollection and not their wants of recollection from their poverty. Solitude makes not religious the richer and God is never wanting to those who truly serve Him. In a word my faith was weak but not so that of this servant of God. Though I asked the opinions of many on this matter yet hardly anyone was for this project neither confessors nor the learned whom I consulted. They gave so many reasons against it that I knew not what to do for when I understood that the rule enjoined it and that it tended to promote greater perfection I could not be persuaded to admit revenues and though I sometimes found myself convinced by their reasons yet when I afterwards returned to my prayers and beheld Christ so very poor and naked I could not have the patience to be rich and so I begged of our Lord with tears that He would so arrange things that I might see myself poor as He was. I found so many inconveniences in having revenues and I saw so many troubles and distractions would arise from them that I did nothing but dispute with the learned. I wrote to that Dominican father who had assisted us and he sent me in writing two leaves of objections and theological reasons against the project assuring me he had deeply studied the matter. I answered that I would not follow that theology which forbade me following my vocation and my vow of poverty and the counsels of our Savior in all perfection nor did I wish that he would assist me in this point with his learning. If I met with anyone who took my part or was of the same mind as myself I rejoiced greatly. The lady with whom I lived assisted me in this matter very much. Some told me at first they liked the project very well but considering the matter afterwards more carefully they found so many difficulties in it that they labored all they could to dissuade me from it. My answer was that since they had changed their minds so suddenly I was resolved to follow the opinion they gave first. About this time it happened that as this lady had never seen the holy man Peter of Alcantara our Lord was pleased through my entreaties to bring him to her house. And as he was a true lover of poverty having observed it for many years he knew well what great riches were to be found therein and accordingly he was of great assistance to me and he commanded me on no account to desist from my design. Thus with his opinion and approbation being one who could much better than others deliver his judgment on account of his long experience I resolved to proceed no further in consulting others. Being one day in prayer earnestly recommending this matter to God our Lord said to me by no means neglect to found the house in poverty and this is the will of my father as well as mine I will assist you. These words were said in a rapture and with such effect that I could not possibly doubt of their coming from God. Another time he told me that in having revenues I should have confusion with several other things in praise of poverty assuring me that whoever should serve him should not want necessaries and of this want as I said for my part I was never afraid. Our Lord also changed the mind of the religious the Dominican who had formerly written to me against founding the house without revenue. I was now exceedingly delighted and having heard this from our Lord and having had the opinions of other persons and hence by resolving to live upon alms I thought I already enjoyed all the wealth in the world. At this time my provincial released me from the obedience he had put me under of living in that lady's house leaving it to my choice either to go or to stay as I like best until the time came for the election of a priorist in my monastery. I was informed that many intended to give me this office the mere thought of which so afflicted me that I resolved to endure any torments for God's sake with joy but no one could in any way prevail on me to accept this dignity for in addition to the trouble which was great because the nuns were numerous together with other motives I never loved to be in office but always refused it thinking it would be very dangerous to my conscience so that I thank God I was not there I wrote to my friends begging of them not to vote for me being very pleased on seeing myself out of this noise our Lord said to me do not neglect on any account to go and since you desire a cross there is a good heavy one prepared for you do not refuse it for I will support you go immediately these words afflicted me extremely and I did nothing but weep because I thought the cross was to be elected superioress and this I could not persuade myself would be good for my soul in any way and I knew not how I could avoid it I mentioned the matter to my confessor who commanded me to depart immediately for it was clearly greater perfection but because the heat of the journey was then excessive he allowed me to remain a few days longer lest the journey might injure me for it was sufficient if I arrived in time for the election but our Lord having ordered things otherwise I wish to obey his command instantly for I was so extremely disturbed that I could not pray and I thought I was wanting an obedience to our Lord's commands and by being treated there kindly and made much of I was unwilling to go away and expose myself to suffering all I gave to God was but words and since I could live where there was greater perfection why did I neglect it? if I died on the way be it so to this was added a heaviness of soul and being deprived by our Lord of all pleasure in prayer in a word I was in such a state that to stay with such a torment to me that I begged of the lady to allow me to depart because my confessor seeing me in this state had already told me to go God having moved him as he had me she felt my intended departure so much that this proved another affliction for me for she said it had cost me much trouble and many importunate requests to prevail on the provincial to allow me to come here I considered it very extraordinary that she consented on account of the grief she felt but as she feared God and as I told her my departure would tend greatly to the divine honor besides giving her many other reasons and holding out some hopes that she would see me again she consented with much difficulty as for myself I now felt no sorrow at all about my departure because when I understand that anything tends to promote greater perfection and to give greater glory to God I am contented and the joy I found in pleasing him took away the grief I felt in leaving this lady who I perceived regretted my departure exceedingly and in leaving others also and especially my confessor who belonged to the society of Jesus and with whom I was much pleased but the more I perceived that I lost these consolations for God the more I was pleased at losing them I could not understand how this could be for I clearly perceived these two contraries these to delight and console myself and to rejoice in that which grieved me to my very soul for here I lived in ease and comfort and had an opportunity of spending many hours in prayer but on the other hand I saw I was about to cast myself into a fire our Lord having already signified this to me by telling me I was to endure a heavy cross though I never thought it would prove so heavy as afterwards I found it and yet in spite of all these things I departed cheerfully and was as it were out of myself because I could not commence the battle immediately and since it was our Lord's pleasure I should His Majesty gave strength to my weakness as I have already remarked I could not understand how this would happen I thought of this comparison if I had in my possession a jewel or something which gave me great pleasure and should happen to know that one whom I loved more than myself wished to have it whose pleasure I preferred to my own it would certainly give me more satisfaction to be without that jewel then to keep it because thereby I should please the person whom I loved so tenderly and as this desire of pleasing him would exceed my own pleasure in possessing it so likewise it would remove the sorrow I might feel in parting with that jewel or anything else I loved and the pleasure I took therein hence though I did not wish to go on account of the opportunity I enjoyed in that lady's house for my prayers and through my leaving persons who I saw felt my departure so much which as I am naturally very grateful would at another time have served to afflict me deeply yet now even if I wished I could not be sorry not to delay my journey a day longer was so important to the business of this blessed house that I know not how it could possibly have been concluded had I then delayed oh the immense greatness of God often I am astonished when I observe how particularly his majesty was pleased to help me in founding this little chamber of God for such I believe it to be and this lodging in which his majesty delights for being once in prayer he told me that this house was the paradise of his delight and so it seems his majesty has chosen those souls whom he has conducted there and in whose company I live with great confusion to myself because I myself could not have known how to desire such persons for this purpose persons of such austerity, poverty and prayer who suffer everything with such pleasure and joy that everyone considers herself unworthy of being admitted to such a place and especially some whom our Lord has drawn there from out of the vanities and pleasures of the world wherein they might have lived contently according to its laws and customs and our Lord has here so doubled their joys that they clearly see how even in this life they have gained a hundredfold for one which they left and therefore they are never weary with giving thanks to his majesty others our Lord has changed from good to better to the young he has given courage and understanding in order not to desire anything else and to know that even here below if they wish to live in quiet they must separate themselves from all worldly pleasures to those who are older and infirm he gives strength as he has given before to enable them to endure the same penance and austerities as the others do oh my lord how does your power appear we need not seek out reasons for what you wish to happen since you make things so possible beyond all human calculation that you make us understand nothing more is required but only to love you sincerely and to forsake everything in good earnest for your sake that so you oh my lord may make everything easy for us here one may say that you wish to intimate there is some difficulty in observing your law since I see none oh lord nor do I understand how the road which leads to you is straight I find it a royal road and not a narrow path a road along which he who walks in good earnest walks the more securely those who avoid the occasions of sin are far removed from narrow passes and are in no danger of falling from rocks that I call a narrow path and a bad one which on one side has a very deep valley down which one may easily slide and on the other a steep precipice down which the careless fall and our dash to pieces he that loves you oh my eternal God walk securely along a broad and royal road far from precipices he stumbles not when you oh lord extend your hand to him if however he should sometimes fall yet such falls will not ruin him if he love you and not the things of this world if men walk along the valley of humility I cannot understand why they are so afraid of putting themselves in the way of perfection may our Lord grant us in his goodness to understand what a poor security it is to be in the midst of so many manifest dangers as are to be met with by following the maxims and opinions of the world and that true security consists in endeavoring to advance still further in the way of God let us fix our eyes upon him and fear not less this son of justice should set or leave us wandering by night we shall not be lost if we do not first abandon him men fear not to go among lions every one of which seems as if it would tear them in pieces I mean honors pleasures and delights for so the world calls them but here the devil makes us afraid of little mice a thousand times I am astonished at this and ten thousand times I would be satisfied with weeping and proclaiming a loud my great blindness and wickedness in order to try if I could be of any use in making others open their eyes a little may he open them who can do so in his goodness and may he never allow mine to grow blind again Amen End of Chapter 35 Chapter 36 of the life of Saint Teresa this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Anne Boulet The Life of Saint Teresa by Teresa of Jesus translated by the Reverend John Dalton Chapter 36 The Saint continues the same subject in forms of how the monastery of Saint Joseph was at last founded Having now left that city to lay though I went on my journey very cheerfully being resolved most willingly to suffer whatever our Lord might be pleased to send me The same evening that I arrived here there came the letters and briefed from Rome for the erection of the monastery so that both I and all those who knew how much our Lord hastened my coming were astonished when they understood how necessary my presence was at that very conjuncture when our Lord brought me to this place because here I found the bishop and that holy man Peter of Alcantara and that other gentleman, a great servant of God at whose house this holy man lodged for he was a person with whom the servants of God were accustomed to be entertained hospitably and courteously these two prevailed upon the bishop to admit the monastery and this was no small favor considering the house was to have no revenue but he was so great a friend to all those who he saw were determined to serve God that he soon consented to the proposal that holy old man Peter of Alcantara approved of it and did all he could sometimes with one and sometimes with another to promote it and to induce them to assist us had I not come at this particular time as I have said I cannot imagine how the business could have been effected for this holy man remained here but a short time not more I think than eight days and during that time he was very ill and soon after our Lord took him to himself it seems our Lord had preserved him till he had finished this business for it was a long time since he had been ill I think more than two years everything was done with the greatest secrecy for had not this been the case nothing could have been accomplished for the people disliked the undertaking exceedingly as was afterwards seen our Lord so disposed things that a relation of mine fell ill he being from home at the time and so dangerously ill was he that leave was given me to go and take care of him and on this occasion nothing transpired though some persons had a little suspicion of the affair but they had no certainty of it it was wonderful to see that he lay no longer ill than was necessary for the business and when it was requisite he should recover in order that I might be disengaged and the house be empty our Lord suddenly restored him to health so that he himself wondered at the circumstance I had great trouble in endeavoring to persuade sometimes one and sometimes another to admit the monastery and also with the person who had been ill and with the workmen to induce them to make haste and clear the house and finish it as soon as possible that so we might have at least the form and appearance of a monastery for a great deal was yet wanting to complete it my companion the widow was not here for we thought it best for her to keep away in order to disguise the matter the better and I saw clearly that a great deal depended on dispatch and this for many reasons one was that every hour I was afraid I should be commanded to return to the monastery of the incarnation the troubles I endured here were so numerous that they made me think this was the cross mentioned by our Lord though it seemed to me a very light one in comparison with that heavy cross which our Lord told me I was to bear everything being now prepared our Lord was pleased that on the Feast of Saint Bartholomew some ladies took the habit and the most blessed sacrament was then placed there and thus with the full license and authority this monastery of our most glorious father saint Joseph was established in the year 1562 I was present to give them the habit together with two other nuns from the monastery of the incarnation now as this house converted into a monastery was the same that my relation dwelt in for as I have mentioned he purchased it in order the better to conceal the real object I had leave to live in it and I did nothing but by the advice of the learned in order not in any point to offend against obedience and these persons seeing that on many grounds the monastery tended to the reputation and advantage of the whole order told me I might proceed in the business though I acted with great secrecy and caution in order that my superiors might know nothing of the matter and rather than commit the slightest imperfection they might discover in me I would have given up a thousand monasteries much more one this is very certain for though I was desirous to separate myself from everyone and to follow my profession and vocation with the greatest perfection and enclosure yet I desired this in such a way that whenever I understood it would tend more to God's honor to abandon all this I would have done it with tranquility and cheerfulness as I did before I seemed then to be as it were in a kind of glory to see the most holy sacrament on the altar and shelter given to four poor orphans for they were admitted without dowry who were great servants of God for it was intended at the beginning that such persons should be taken in who by their example might prove a foundation to the new edifice and that we might attain our object of high perfection and prayer by which a work would be affected that would I was confident contribute to the glory of our Lord and to the honor of the habit of our glorious mother for this was my sole desire besides it gave me great consolation to behold that effected which our Lord has so strictly commanded me to do and to see one more church in this place under the title of my glorious father St. Joseph then had been before not that I seem to have done anything in this business myself for I never had nor have I now any such thought for I always knew it was our Lord who did everything and what little I had done was attended with so many imperfections that I find I rather deserve to be blamed than to be praised but it was a great pleasure to see that his majesty had made use of me though so very wicked to be the instrument for so noble a work and I was so transported there at that I was as it were out of myself in profound prayer when all this was finished I think it was some three or four hours afterwards that the devil made an attack upon me in the following manner he represented to me that what I had done had perhaps been done ill and suggested whether I did not act contrary to obedience by attempting to found the monastery without a command from the father provincial for I imagine he might take some offense at my subjecting it to the bishop before I had acquainted him although as the provincial was unwilling to admit the monastery I thought he would not care much the devil also suggested to me whether those sisters who lived here in such austerity would be contented whether they might not sometimes want vitals whether it were not foolishness for anyone to put such an idea into my mind had I not a monastery of my own in a word the command our Lord had given me the many opinions of others whom I consulted the prayers I offered up without ceasing almost for two years all had now escaped my memory as completely as if I had never entertained such things I only remember it was my fancy all virtues even faith itself seemed then to be suspended in me without having the power to exercise one of them or to defend myself from his blows the devil also represented to me that as I wish to keep enclosure in so strict a house and was afflicted with so many infirmities how should I be able to endure such penance and to leave a house so spacious and delightful and where I lived so contently and had so many friends that perhaps the sisters would not be to my liking that I bound myself to too much that possibly I might fall into despair and that perhaps the devil instigated me there too to deprive me of my peace and quiet and thus I should be unable to continue my prayer being so disturbed and might in the end lose my soul thoughts of this nature the devil represented to me altogether so that I had no power to think of anything else and this was accompanied with such affliction obscurity and darkness in my soul that I cannot express it seeing myself in this state I went to visit the most blessed sacrament though I was unable to recommend myself to our Lord being in such agony as if I were in the agonies of death to mention my state to anyone I dared not because I had not a confessor appointed for me oh my God what a miserable life is this in which there is no secure contentment nor anything without change a very short time before I was so happy that I thought I would not have exchanged my happiness for anyone on earth and immediately the same thing which had caused such happiness tormented me in such a way that I knew not what to do oh did we carefully observe the events of our life everyone would see by experience how little we ought to esteem either its joys or its sorrows this certainly seems to me to have been one of the sharpest attacks I ever had to endure during my whole life it appears as if my soul had a presentiment of all I was to endure though had it lasted it would not have amounted to so much as this but our Lord did not abandon his poor servant in her sufferings for he always supported me in every tribulation and so he did in this for he gave me a little light to understand those thoughts came from the devil and that he suggested all these to terrify me with his lies then I began to remember the strong resolutions I had made of serving our Lord and the desires I had of suffering for his sake and I considered that if I intended to execute them I must not seek after ease that if I met with troubles there would be merit too and that if I bore them to honor God they might serve instead of purgatory what was I afraid of? if I desired crosses these were good heavy ones and the more opposition so much the more gain and why did I want courage to serve one to whom I was so much indebted with these and other considerations doing violence to myself I promised before the most holy sacrament to do my utmost to obtain leave to come and dwell in this house and in case I could do so with a good conscience to vow perpetual enclosure as I was forming these resolutions the devil immediately vanished and left me quiet and content and so I have continued ever since all that is observed in this house respecting enclosure penance and other matters have become extremely pleasant and are considered to be little or nothing the delight also which we experience is so very great that sometimes I think I could not have chosen in the whole world anything sweeter this must be in some measure the reason why I now have better health than I ever had or because there were both a reason and a necessity why I should do what all the rest did perhaps our Lord was therefore pleased to give me this consolation to enable me to do it, though with pain and this strength of mine all wonder at so my infirmities blessed be he who gives every gift and who can do all things by his power I was very weary and tired with this combat and I laughed to myself at the devil for I saw clearly it came from him I believe our Lord permitted it for during 28 years and more since I have worn the habit I never knew even for a moment what sadness meant in order that I might understand what a great favor he had bestowed upon me in this way and from what a torment he had freed me and also that in case I saw anyone else in the like state I might not wonder but rather compassionate her and be able to console her this combat being now ended and desiring to take a little rest after dinner for all the previous night I had hardly any sleep and during several other nights I was full of cares and troubles and nights being tired from all the troubles of the preceding days I was informed that what had been done was known in my monastery of the incarnation and also in the town immediately for the reasons already mentioned there arose a great uproar and disturbance which seemed to be in some measure justifiable the priors immediately commanded me to come to the monastery instantly when I received her message I went immediately to see my nuns very unhappy I saw I should now meet with many troubles but as the house was already established I did not trouble myself much about them I gave myself to prayer beseeching our Lord to help me and my Father Saint Joseph that he would bring me back again to his monastery and I offered up to him whatever I was to suffer being exceedingly desirous of an opportunity of suffering something for his sake and of being able to serve him I went there thinking they would certainly put me into prison this I thought would be a great comfort to me for there I should not speak to anyone and would be able to repose a little while in solitude and this was necessary for me for by conversing so often with people I became as it were ground to dust as soon as I arrived I gave an account of myself to the priores who then became somewhat pacified but they all sent for the Father Provincial and the cause was to be heard before him when he came I was summoned to appear before him and I was exceedingly delighted to see myself suffer something for the love of our Lord for I found that I had not in this case offended his majesty nor done anything against my order but rather had endeavored to promote his interest with all my strength and for it I would willingly have died for it was my sole desire that the rule should be observed with all possible perfection I called to mind the sentence passed on Christ and saw how little that was which I endured the Provincial blamed me very sharply for I acknowledged my fault to him as one very guilty but he did not blame me so severely as the offense deserved and considering what so many had told him I did not wish to excuse myself because I was resolved to suffer but I desired he would rather pardon and punish me than entertain any angry feelings against me in some things I saw clearly they condemned me wrongfully for they said I had commenced this undertaking to get myself a name and reputation and so on in other things I was convinced that what they said was true as for instance that I was the worst of all the nuns that not having observed the rules used in this house how could I think of observing them with greater strictness than another that I gave scandals to the people and introduced novelties these accusations did not give me any trouble or pain though I appeared to be afflicted lest I should seem to disregard what they said to me at last the Father Provincial commanded me to declare there before the nuns my reasons and the object of my actions as I was recollected within myself and our Lord assisted me I gave my reasons in such a way that neither the Provincial nor the nuns present could find any cause to condemn me I spoke afterwards with the Father Provincial alone and informed him more in particular of the success of the business he was quite satisfied and promised that if I could succeed in appeasing the city he would give me leave to remove to the new house because the tumble in the place was very great as I shall now relate two or three days after the mayor and magistrates of the city together with some of the chapter met together and all declare they would not on no account consent to the establishment of the new house because it was a manifest injury to the city that the most blessed sacrament should be taken away and that they would not in any way allow the matter to go further they appointed several divines from every order to give me their opinions of these some were silent and others condemned the business and came to the conclusion that the house should be dissolved only one Father of divinity of the order of Saint Dominic he was against us not on account of its being a monastery but because it was poor said that there was no necessity for dissolving the house so suddenly that the subject ought to be carefully considered since there was time enough for it that this case belong to the bishop etc these words did a great deal of good for considering the excitement it was a wonder the people did not immediately pull down the building but it was to be a monastery because our Lord was pleased it should be against whose will all of them united together could do but little they gave their reasons and showed great zeal and thus without their offending God they made me and all who were favorable to the business for some such there were suffer and endure great persecutions the tumult and excitement of the people were so great that no one talked of anything else and all condemned me first to the provincial and then to my monastery I was no more moved by what they said against me than if they said nothing but the fearless the house should be dissolved and seeing that those who assisted me lost their credit and knowing what affliction they endured all this grieved me exceedingly as to what was said about myself I was rather glad of it and if I had had a little faith I should not have felt the least alteration but a falling off in anyone virtue is sufficient to lay asleep all the rest during the two days in which the meetings were held among the people I was very much troubled and being exceedingly sad our Lord said to me does thou not know I am powerful what are you afraid of and he assured me the monastery should not be dissolved these words consoled me very much in the meantime the king's council was informed of the whole of the proceedings and an order came that an account should be drawn up on our part how this monastery was to be founded here however a great contest began for on the part of the city some had gone to the court and some were also obliged to go on the part of the monastery but we had no money and I knew not what to do our Lord so ordered that the provincial never commanded me to desist prosecuting the business for he is such a friend to any good work that though he might not assist the business he would not put any obstacle in the way and he would not grant me leave to remove to the new house till he saw what the result would be these servants of God remained alone and did more by their prayers than I did with all my labors though I was obliged to use my utmost endeavors sometimes all seemed lost especially one day before the father had come it happened that the priorist commanded me not to do anything in this business which was in reality to give up everything I went to our Lord and said to him this house is not mine it is established for you and since there is no one to conduct the case do you undertake it having spoken these words I felt as great repose and as free from care as if I had the world to plead for me and I immediately considered the business as completed a priest, Gonzalo de Aranda a great servant of God and friend to every perfection who had always assisted me went to court to attend the business and was exceedingly careful to promote it and that devout gentleman Francisco de Salcedo whom I have already mentioned labored exceedingly in the matter and did all he could to favor us not however without suffering many troubles and persecutions I always esteemed him and do still esteem him as our father but our Lord inspired those who assisted us with such zeal and fervor that each one took up the business as if it were his own in particular and his life and honor had been at stake therein being however no further concern than because they thought it would tend to the glory of God our Lord's help to a certain priest whom I have already mentioned Gaspar Daza one of those who was of great assistance to me in this affair was evidently seen for in another great assembly held in the city he appeared in behalf of the bishop and stood up alone against everyone and at last appeased them by proposing certain expedience which were sufficient to delay the design of dissolving the house and to stop their fury but nothing could induce them wholly to desist for they soon returned again and seemed willing to lose their lives if they could dissolve the monastery it was this servant of God who gave the nuns the habit and set up the most blessed sacrament for which he endured very great persecution this opposition lasted almost half a year and to relate all the great afflictions I endured during that time would be too tedious I was astonished to see what mischief the devil was able to do against a few poor women and how all the people could imagine that twelve women and a priest could be so injurious to the city for they were not to exceed that number I speak to those persons who withstood us and these women too led very austere lives but supposing there was some injury or error therein it would all fall upon themselves and the city would not suffer any loss but they fancied so many misfortunes would happen that they opposed the monastery with a good conscience at length the people began to yield and they came to the conclusion that in case the monastery were endowed they would admit it and be content it should go on I was now so afflicted with seeing the trouble of all those who assisted us more than I was with my own that I thought I would not be wrong to receive revenue till the storm was over and afterwards I might refuse to take any and sometimes I likewise imagine like a wicked and imperfect creature it might perhaps be our Lord's pleasure since without this revenue we could not carry on and already I had consented to this agreement the night before it was to be concluded the agreement having now commenced was said to me while I was in prayer daughter make no such agreement for if once you begin to admit revenue the people will not afterwards allow you to refuse it adding also other things the same night there also appeared to me the holy man Peter of Alcantara who died a short time before and had written to me before his death hearing of the opposition and persecution we endured he said he was glad the house was founded for it was a sign our Lord would be truly served therein and honored since the devil labored so much to hinder it that I should not by any means consent to have it endowed and two or three times he inculcated this point in his letter with great earnestness assuring me that if I continued firm all would succeed as I desired I had already seen him twice since his death and observed the glory he was in and so I was not at all frightened but rather rejoiced for he always appeared like a glorified body full of glory and it gave me the greatest delight to behold him I remember that first time I saw him he told me amongst other things the great bliss he enjoyed and how happy his penance was which he had performed during life whereby he had obtained so high a reward but because I think I have spoken in another chapter on this subject I will say no more here except that this time he showed a little severity and told me by no means to have revenue and he asked me why I did not take his advice and immediately he vanished leaving me greatly amazed the next day I soon acquainted the above mentioned gentleman he being the individual to whom I had recourse and everything and who exerted himself in the cause more than anyone else with what had happened and told him not to consent in any way to admit revenue but to go on with the suit he was more firm in the matter than I was and glad I was he afterwards told me how unwilling he was to speak on this agreement afterwards there rose up another person an eminent servant of God and as things were now in a good way he wished the matter might be referred to the judgment of the learned and here I found trouble enough for some of those who assisted and consented there too were of the same opinion this was an artifice of the devil more deep and subtle than all the rest our Lord however helped me in everything for it is impossible for me writing thus so briefly fully to relate what was endured during the two years from the time the monastery began till all was completed this last year and the first half year were the most troublesome the city being now somewhat appeased Father Benez, the Dominican doctor who had assisted us was not present made haste to come to Avila and our Lord brought him there just at the time he was wanted and he did us great good for he told me afterwards he had no reason or occasion to come but that it was only by chance he heard we wanted him he remained here as long as was necessary and his departure he induced by certain means the Father Provincial to give me leave to remove to this monastery and to obtain this so soon seemed impossible and to take some other nuns with me and also to instruct those who were already there the day we entered was a day of great consolation to me when I was praying in the church before I went into the monastery being as it were in an ecstasy I saw Christ our Lord who I thought received me with great love and he put a crown upon my head and thanked me for what I had done for his mother at another time when all the nuns were at prayer in the choir after compline I saw our blessed lady in very great glory who seemed to be protecting us all under a very white robe which she had on by this I understood what a high degree of glory our Lord had bestowed on the religious of this house when the divine office began to be recited the people also began to have a great devotion to this monastery more nuns were received and our Lord began to move those who had opposed us the most to favor us exceedingly and to give us alms so that now they began to like what they had so much disliked before and by degrees they gave up all contention and acknowledged that they knew this work was favored by God since notwithstanding so much opposition His Majesty was pleased it should prosper no one now thinks it would have been well not to have founded the monastery much less to have dissolved it and thus they are at present so careful to provide us with alms that without our asking anyone for them our Lord moves them to send us relief that so we may live without wanting necessaries and I hope in our Lord it will always be so for as the nuns are but few if they do what they ought as at present His Majesty gives them the grace to do so I am sure they will never want anything nor will there be any necessity for them to be burdensome to anyone for our Lord will take care of them as he has hitherto done it is for me the greatest consolation to see myself placed here among souls so disengaged from the things of this world their whole study is to know how to advance further in the service of God solitude is their delight and the very thought of their seeing anyone even should it be one of their nearest relations is a great affliction to them unless they hope to be able to excite such persons to renewed love for their spouse thus no one comes to this house who has not this object in view for otherwise neither are they welcome to others nor others to them their language is all about God and they neither understand anything else nor are they understood except by those who speak only of him we observe the rule of our Lady of Mount Carmel and this in all its strictness and integrity as it was confirmed by Pope innocent the fourth in the year 1248 and the fifth of his pontificate me thinks that all the travels which have been endured for the monastery have been well bestowed for though the rule is somewhat rigorous because flesh meat is never eaten except in case of necessity and we fast eight months in the year and observe other things as may be seen in the primitive rule yet the sisters consider it not to be severe enough and therefore they observe additional mortifications which seem to be necessary in order to keep the rules with greater perfection I hope in our Lord that what one will prosper and increase as his majesty has promised me the other house which that pious lady of whom I spoke was instrumental in erecting was likewise favored by our Lord and was founded in Alcala not without strong opposition and being obliged to endure very great troubles in it I know that our rule is observed with all strictness and devotion may our Lord grant that all things may tend to his glory and praise and to that the glorious Virgin Mary his mother whose habit we wear amen I think your reverence will be tired with this long account I have given about our monastery but it is very short in comparison with the many afflictions we endured and the numerous wonders our Lord brought in its foundation of which there are many witnesses who can take their oath as the truth of them and now I entreat your reverence for the love of God that whatever you judge to be superfluous in this account you will erase but that you will preserve in it all that relates to this monastery and after my death give it to the sisters who may be in the monastery for it will animate those who come after me to serve God and to endeavor to prevent what has commenced from being dissolved but rather that the house may go on from good to better when they see how much our Lord has done for it in founding it by means of such a base and wicked creature as myself and since our Lord has been pleased to express his approval of this work in so a special a manner I think they will do very wrong and will be severely punished who shall dare to attempt any relaxation of that perfection which our Lord has established here and assisted in such a way that it is observed with the greatest pleasure and sweetness hence it is evident that the rule is very tolerable and may with great ease be practiced as there are so many helps who desire alone to enjoy their spouse Jesus Christ and this is all that they aim at delighting to be in solitude alone with him. The sisters do not exceed thirteen for I learned from the opinions of many persons that this number is sufficient and by experience I have seen that in order to procure and maintain the spirit which now exists in the house and to live on alms without being a burden to anyone it is requisite the number should be no more and in these matters rather believe one who with so great difficulties aided by the prayers of so many persons has done that which seem to be the best the great pleasure and joy which we all experience during those years we have lived in this house besides the state of our health so much better than what we formerly enjoyed all this clearly proves that the number is the most convenient but whoever thinks the rule rigorous or difficult let them blame their own wants of courage and not the rules observed here since even delicate and sickly persons bear all things with pleasure and great sweetness let such persons go to other monasteries where they may secure their salvation in a way agreeable to their own mind end of chapter thirty six chapter thirty seven of the life of saint Teresa this is a lever vox recording all lever vox recordings are in the public domain for information or to volunteer please visit lever vox.org recording by Ann Boulet the life of saint Teresa by Teresa of Jesus translated by the reverend John Dalton chapter thirty seven the saint mentions the great benefit she received from other heavenly favors many particulars are given respecting her ecstasies and revelations I am unwilling to mention any more of those favors which our Lord have bestowed upon me since those which I have already related are too numerous that they should be thought to have been shown to so wicked a creature but yet to obey our Lord who has commanded it and your reverence also who expects it I will mention some more things here for his greater glory may his majesty grant that I may serve for the prophet of some soul to see since our Lord has vouchsafed so highly to favor such a wretched creature as I am how much more will he do for such as serve his majesty and good earnest and that everyone may be encouraged thereby to please his majesty even in this life he grants us such earnest pledges but here it is to be observed that in these favors which God bestows on a soul there is sometimes more sometimes less glory for the glory joy and consolation which he imparts are so much greater in some visions than in others that I was quite amazed to find so great a difference of enjoying even in this life and sometimes our Lord is pleased in one vision or rapture to give so much that it seems impossible to desire anything beyond it in this life nor does the soul desire more nor would she wish for more joy and pleasure since our Lord has been pleased to show me how great the difference is in heaven between the glory enjoyed by some and that which is enjoyed by others I see very clearly that even here also there are no limits set in giving when our Lord pleases and so I could likewise wish that there were no limits set in my serving his majesty and employing my whole life strength and health in this way I would not lose through any fault of mine the least degree of further enjoyment I even go so far as to declare that if the choice were offered to me whether I would rather remain subject to all the afflictions of the world even to the end of it and then ascend by that means to the possession of a little more glory in heaven or else without any affliction at all enjoy a little less glory I would most willingly accept of all those troubles and afflictions for a little more enjoyment that so I might also understand more of the greatness of God because I see that he who understands more of him loves and praises him so much the more I say not but that I should be contented and should esteem myself very happy to be in heaven though it were but in the lowest place for our Lord would thereby show abundance of mercy to me who had been condemned to so horrible a place in hell I beseech his majesty then I may go to heaven and that he will not consider my great sins what I say is this that if our Lord would give me grace to labor much for him and if I were able to do it I would not on any account however much it cost me for the gain of any degree of glory through my own fault miserable creature that I am who had once lost all by my numerous offenses it is also to be remarked that in every favor of a vision or revelation which our Lord bestowed upon me my soul received some great gain and in some visions the gain was very great indeed for by seeing Christ our Lord his admirable and inexpressible beauty has remained imprinted on my soul and I remember it to this day for in this case only once would have been sufficient how much more so very many times in which our Lord vouchtaved to impart this favor to me from this side I also derived another considerable advantage I was formerly subject to a very great fault by which much hurt came to my soul and it was this whenever I began to observe that any person had a liking for me and was agreeable to me and had so much affection for him that my memory would bind me in a manner to be still thinking of him though yet without any intention at all of offending God but I would be very glad to see him and to remember him and consider the good qualities which I found in him but this was so prejudicial that it did my soul a great deal of harm but when once I beheld the great beauty of our Lord I saw none afterwards which could bear comparison with it nor which I was able to occupy my thoughts for by casting my eyes upon the image of him who is engraving in my mind I remain with so much liberty in this respect that everything which I have seen since this has become loathsome to me in comparison with the excellencies and graces which I discovered in our Lord nor is there any knowledge or any kind of pleasure on which I set a value in comparison with that which comes by hearing only one single word which proceeds from my mouth how much more so many I have heard I consider it impossible unless our Lord should permit it for my sins that the remembrance of this should entirely leave me and that any creature should ever so far possess my mind as that I should not instantly be free by recurring a little of the remembrance of this my Lord it happens sometimes with some of my confessors for I always love those who direct my soul because I consider they hold the place of God and he thinks it is ever there where I employ my affection the most that thinking I was secure with them I was apt to show them extraordinary kindness but they being servants of God and cautious persons would be fearful lest I should become too much attached to them though in an innocent manner and they would sometimes show they were displeased at it this happened afterwards when I began to subject myself to be directed and commanded by them for before I did not bear them so much love I smiled at myself when I considered how much they were deceived though I did not always tell them so plainly how little I tied myself to anyone as I was sure of this in myself but I told them enough and when they became more intimate with me they knew how much I wasn't indebted to our Lord for these suspicions which they had of me were always in the beginning I also began to have more love and more confidence in my Lord after I had seen him as one with whom I now held a continual conversation I saw that though he was God he was also man and that he did not wonder at the weakness of men for he well knows our miserable nature which is subject to falls of so many kinds on account of the first sin which he came to repair although he is my Lord I may still treat with him as with a friend because I know he is not like the grandies we are accustomed to meet with in this who place all their greatness in a certain affected authority and who appoint hours and seasons for an audience and admit those only to speak to them who are distinguished persons if any poor man has any business to transact with them it will cost him many labors and favors before he can get it settled but what if he has some business with the king himself poor people must not presume to come near him but be content to inquire who are his favorites and these we may be sure are not such as tread the world under their feet because such persons are accustomed to speak the real truth and so are not fit for court and so recommend their affairs to them there those things are not usual but they dissemble whatever they dislike and scarcely do they think of doing such a thing for fear of being disgraced oh king of glory and lord of all kings thy kingdom is not set out with such straws as these it has no end nor is there any need of third persons to introduce us to an audience with thee by our seeing thee we instantly perceive that thou alone deserve us to be called lord so great is thy majesty that there is no need of many guards and attendants in order that we may know thou art a king whereas if any earthly king were left quite alone he would hardly be known to be a king for in himself he is no more than other men and therefore something must appear about him to make men believe that he is the king and he has so much more need of using these external helps because otherwise the people would make no account of him for his appearing so powerful is not from himself but his grandeur and state arise from those about him but who is able oh my lord and my king to represent that majesty which thou hast it is impossible to help seeing thou art a great emperor in thyself and I am quite amazed to behold thy majesty but I am still more amazed oh my lord to see united with this majesty the great humility and love which thou show us to such a wretched creature as myself for we may speak and treat with thee about all things even as we wish when once we have lost that first amazement and dread which we feel at the side of the majesty of thy presence though there still remains a greater fear of offending thee but not the fear of the punishment for this we do not regard at all in comparison with the misery which it is to lose thee here are some of the benefits which I have derived from this vision of our lord besides other great effects which it leaves in my soul if the vision be from god it makes itself understood by the effects whenever the soul has light for as I have often said our lord is pleased that it should remain in darkness and not see this light and then it is not so strange that one so wicked as myself should have some fear it is only very lately that I happen to be for eight days in such a state that it seemed I neither had nor could have any knowledge of what I owe to god nor yet any memory of his favors but my soul was so inebriated and employed upon I know not what nor how though not upon bad thoughts but with respect ones so very sluggish that I laughed at myself and took pleasure in beholding the baseness a soul is in when our lord does not vouch safe to be continually working in her she sees very well that even in this state she is not without possessing him for it is not like us in those great afflictions which I have said I sometimes suffer for though the soul brings wood and does all the little she can on her side there is no in kindling the love of god within her it is a great mercy of his that some smoke is observed for thereby we know that she is not dead and our lord comes again to incandle it but then the soul seems to be in such a state that everything only serves to choke her the more though we break even our heads in blowing and weary ourselves in arranging the wood I think the best thing is to give herself holy up and to remember that she is unable to do anything of herself alone and therefore to apply herself as I have said to other meritorious things for our lord perhaps takes away prayer from her that the soul may exercise herself in those other acts and so understand by experience how little she is able to do of herself this very day I have solace myself with our lord and presume to complain to his majesty in these words how is it oh my god that it is not enough for thee to keep me in this miserable life and that I endure it all for thy sake and that I wish to live where all this trouble is because I cannot enjoy thee without at the same time eating and sleeping and transacting business and conversing with everyone and all this I suffer for the love of you thou know as well oh my lord that this is a very great torment to me and in those few moments which remain to me for enjoying thee thou aren't yet pleased to hide thyself how can this be reconciled with thy mercy and how can thy love towards me permitted I believe oh lord that if it were possible for me to hide myself from thee as thou dost hide thyself from me I think and believe so much concerning the love thou hast for me as to be sure thou would not endure it but thou art still with me and always beholdest me this is not to be endured oh my lord I beseech thee to consider that this is doing an injury to one who loves thee so much these and such like words I spoke though I considered first how very tolerable that place was which had been prepared for me in hell in comparison with what I had deserved but sometimes the love I bear our lord is so very extravagant that I scarce know what I do except to complain with all my understanding in this manner and our lord endures everything for me may so good a king be praised but can we approach the kings of this world with such presumption as this and yet I am not surprised that we do not dare to speak to earthly kings in this way or to those great persons who are their representatives for they are men whom we have reason to fear but now the world is so changed that we should be obliged to live longer in order to have time to learn all those punctilios and modes and fashions if we would have any time to spend in the service of God I bless myself when I see what passes the truth is that already I scarcely knew how to live in the world when I came to understand this for now it is not considered a jest when there is any inattention shown in treating men with much more ceremony than they really deserve but they so truly take it for an affront that you must profess your desire to make satisfaction if there be as I was saying your mission and God grant that they believe your professions I repeat it again that I do not really know how to live because these things do greatly afflict a poor weary soul she sees that on one hand she is commanded always to employ her thoughts on God and that it is necessary for her to do so in order to free herself from any dangers and on the other side she also sees that it concerns her not to omit anything regarding the punctilios of the world under pain of not giving offense to those who place their chief honor in these things as for me they tire me quite out and I could never come to an end of making satisfaction for it was not in my power however much I endeavored to prevent myself from making many faults in this respect and these are not considered little in the eyes of the world it is true that religious orders ought to be exempt from all these and there is reason for it but no people assert that monasteries ought to be as it were so many courts for good breeding and that their inmates should know the rules of politeness I do not really understand this kind of language I think some saint has said that a monastery should be a court to instruct those who wish to be courtiers in heaven but now things are understood in quite a different way but how they who should be continually employed in pleasing God and in endeavouring to abhor the world are also to be obliged to bestow so much care and attention in pleasing those who live in the world and that in things which change so often this I cannot comprehend but though it were possible for one to learn all these rules yet they would soon be changed even for the titles which are expected in letters a chair should be founded that so the professor might teach us how such people were to be addressed for sometimes the paper is to be left blank on one side and sometimes on the other and he who used to be styled your worship must now be called the honourable I knew not where things will stop for I am not 50 years old and yet I have seen such changes in my life that now I know not how to live how then will those who are now young know how to conduct themselves if they should live long in great compassion for spiritual persons who are obliged to live in the world for certain holy purposes for it is a terrible cross to bear this if all could agree together and profess themselves to be ignorant and could be content to be considered as such in these sciences they might free themselves from a great deal of trouble but into what fool are these have I cast myself from speaking of the greatness of God I have come by degrees to speak of the baseness of the world since our Lord has enabled me by his grace to leave it I am resolved no more to speak about it let those who love it who with so much trouble encourage those toys and may God grant that we may not pay dearly for them in the other life which is without change amen