 He's very nice, you know, and he may not look like he's nice. He looks kind of like, he looks like an asshole, but he's a very nice person. And I literally said, I'm a little bored at one point. I think this segues perfectly into something you mentioned just now. You said, at one point I only dated, or I said I didn't date black men. How's way over it? Walk me through how you got there, why you got there, and where you are now. Okay. Growing up, I had a lot of white friends, so I was more into their culture, of course. You know, of course I knew the black culture, I had a black family, you know, so. And we're a really country black family. Like, eat raccoons, squirrels, you know, make moonshines, stuff like that, yeah. I have not eaten raccoons, but my granddad likes to eat raccoons, so I'm like, have that. But my friends who were white, and I was very influenced by, they talked about marriage a lot. You know, I talked about, oh, what am I going to do when I get married and have kids, and this is what I want. The kind of guy I want, kind of lifestyle, and I thought that was what I wanted exactly because it seemed, it was different from what I had. You know, single mom with, my mom being a single mom of three, and I'm the only female, had no dad in my life, and most of my friends had a dad. I wanted my dad in my life, so I was like, if I have kids, I want my kids to have their dad in their lives, and most of the black families I knew didn't. So this is one of the reasons why I was so attracted to white guys, then growing up and, you know, getting out of where I was before and coming into having more friends instead of diverse cultures, realizing that a lot of them are around their children or wanted to be if they were going to have kids. And now I'm open to dating basically any race because it's based off of who you are as a person. What do you, you know, see yourself, like, who do you see yourself being when you get older, you know, that kind of dynamic instead of me having that very, like, one track mind on black men don't stay with their families and white men do, you know. Now I don't believe that at all. I have so many black guy friends who are all into their, their kids and what are they with the, you know, the baby mom or not, they're right there with their kids and they love their children. And I am, I literally warmed my heart to see that because I didn't have that and I wanted it. And I remember to this day when I was six years old, I used to write all the time and I wrote a letter to my dad and I was crying my eyeballs out because I kept asking, why don't you want me? I didn't know he didn't know who I was. I had no idea. I knew his name, but my mom at the time didn't tell me I was six, you know. So I just thought he just didn't want me. And that created like an abandonment thing in me, you know, I'm over that now. He and I actually, right now, we're really good, we're a common friend, basically, because he came in my life later on, you know, but I love my dad. And I still need him at times. And he was just talking to me yesterday, tell me go buy a lottery ticket. I was like, I'm not doing that. But, you know, it's it's literally, I think a lot of times, based off of your parents, who you decide you want to end up with in the future. So it's what you're used to or you want something different. And I really appreciate that story because very often when we hear about women say, I'm going to go to a white guy, he treats me better. It's not as deep as that. It's it's more so I was dating black thugs. And then I found myself a white nerd that is a nice guy to me. And then my pushback is always that why couldn't the black nerd be a good man to you because we don't incentivize that behavior in our community. But in your in your situation, they started from beyond. They started from white men represented this, black men represented that. How do you feel like this common thread of father's not being in the home, whether because they left voluntarily, whether they didn't know, whether mass incarceration, whatever the case may be, what part do you think black women are playing in this? Because there's there's a there's this common thing out now where like women are saying, you know, I'm having a kid without a man. Like I'm going to go to the sperm bank and like this idea that men are not necessary at all. So like what part do you feel like women, a black woman are playing in this dysfunction? OK, so I've actually said I'm going to have a kid on my own. OK, my reason, though, is because I'm not ratchet. And it's really hard for me to actually get a man who actually wants to stay and actually be with me. That's my reason. Oh, we're going to get into it. Go ahead. I know. So I've seen and experienced some women actually want to use their kid as leverage over the man a lot of time. So they will actually say sorry, women. I guess I'm not biased towards anything. I appreciate it. Yeah, no problem. They if they're like, OK, so he doesn't want to be with me. He can't see his kid. Who does that? The kid is totally different from you. Why are you suffering, making this kid suffer because you can't be with that guy anymore? You're really like fucking up the kid's emotional state and it's not fun and it's not fair to them. If the dad wants to be in the kid's life, let it let it happen. Unless he is, you know, like shooting people and all this kind of stuff like that. And you have some kind of fear over your kids' livelihood and stability. I understand that. But if he is a good person and a good dad, let him be around. And I think that is one of the biggest things that happens in a lot of women. They get so butt hurt about the fact that he did this. He did that to me. And then they use that kid as, no, you can't see your child. Let's talk about you. You said, you said, I did, did you say sperm bank or did you say, I'll just go ahead and have a kid with somebody? Sperm bank. OK, so so I don't want to like prematurely pun intended, no pun intended. I don't want to prematurely like, you know, assess what you're saying. So explain to me why you think it's a good idea. I've had I've had some experiences with guys that you know, lead up to not necessarily being long term, right? I really believe a lot of it is and I could be wrong, but I've had some guys tell me as well, I am too independent. I know I'm a little too independent at times, and that's fine. You got more questions for me. So the reason why I am too independent is, you know, people would say it's because I grew up with a single mom. So she was very independent, right? So therefore it's not that I don't feel like I don't need a man. It's just that I don't want to wait on one to have what I desire, which is I want to be a mom at some point in my life. If he's not there when I'm ready to have a child, then sperm banks here we come, you know. And I would prefer, like I said, like I said before, I want my children to have a dad. I do. I want to be able to say, go to your dad, you know, ask him that, you know, see the dad be great with his kid. I love that. Like I said, it warms my heart when I see my guy friends with their kids and they're like all over it. And I'm like, oh, it's so cute. You know, I love that. But I can't necessarily say that's going to happen for me. I would love for that to happen. But the way my life has been going as an adult, it hasn't seemed like that's necessarily going to happen. You know, I'm still a young adult, but still, you know, it's still not necessarily there. So. OK, so let's let's let's investigate because looking at you. I doubt you have any issue using a job analogy. I doubt you have any issue getting a job, right? AKA getting a man attracting somebody towards you, right? What is what is the disconnect between attracting a man and keeping a man, not just a man, but a man of caliber, a man of substance, a man of like character? What do you think is going on? First off, OK, I am a attractive person. I know that. But I'm not normal for most people. Like I'm not nor neurodivergent. Is that the term? Basically, like I, like I said, I'm not biased towards any race or gender or anything like that. I'm very understanding. And that's something a lot of men don't understand. I they don't get why I'm so understanding. Like I should be mad. I should be crazy. You know, I should be doing this or that. They go for what's more normal to them. I am, like I said, when I said I'm independent, one of my friends saw the car drive, which is not expensive, but I still I pay for my own car. My apartment is nice. I have good credit. You know, I have more than one job. I actually own my own business. I am very, very just constantly on the go, constantly doing something. I think like a man in the aspects of money. And the reason why I do is because I grew up. I don't want to, I don't want to be homeless ever again. You know, I don't want to lack for anything. So I take care of myself because there's no one else to help me do it. Now, if there is someone who wants to come in and help me out with that kind of thing and I also feel like he is suitable for it, of course I'll do it. You know, I will let those walls down, but I have walls built up. Like walls because I've been hurt in the aspect. Like I've had a boyfriend once who wouldn't pay his part of the rent. Oh, well, that means I had to pay it, right? Or I had another guy who was actually emotionally abusive towards me. He's not in my life anymore. Or someone else who just, they were very easy to manipulate. I don't like that. Give me a little bit of a challenge. Don't just go for everything that I'm telling you to do. So I am a highly picky person when it comes to who I decided to be in a relationship with. And that stems from a lot of things. So this makes up who I am. So when you say you're an interesting person, are you saying that a certain caliber of guys put off about that? Yeah, I'm intimidating. No, well, we don't talk about that. Okay, okay. I hear that a lot actually. I hear women say they're intimidating. I think it's bullshit, but that's just me. I mean, yeah. And the reason I think it's bullshit is because to the type of man that most women say they want, the man who's making good money, who's assertive, who's a leader of men and the whole nine, he's not gonna really be intimidated by it, right? So the question then ends up being what is the, what difficulty are we having attracting that type of man? Or is it that we're actually not attracted to that type of man because we're used to the bottom of the barrel? So what do you think it is for you? Is it that you can't attract that guy or retain that guy? Or it's easier, more fun, more exciting to manipulate the low guys down here? Ooh, I don't like manipulating. No, I can't stand that, honestly. So I do attract guys who are high value, right? Now a lot of high value guys necessarily want a lower value woman. So they can actually take over and manipulate, not feel like they're fighting for dominance, right? One of my guy friends, I'm definitely not saying his name, but one of my guy friends who is a high value guy. How do you define high value? Because I want us to frame it properly. Well, based off of what Kevin Samuel says, of course, but my high value, my thought on high value is a man who has all his shit together basically, financially, good credit. He has either his own business or he's making over 100K somewhere else. Someone who literally has confidence in who he is. And he's not ashamed about it. He's who he is no matter what. And I like that confidence in that kind of alpha presentation type situation. So that's my definition of high value, also educated, definitely. So this particular friend, he told me, and I've had a lot of guy friends actually confess their love to me and I'm like, I'm not interested in that way. He specifically told me that he was afraid to be in a relationship with me, but he wanted to be. And I was like, okay. He said, if I were to be with you, I would be 100% with you and I would give you everything. And I'm not talking about, he said I'm not talking about material things. I'm talking about all of me. And I was sitting there like, this is nice to hear but it's not from him that I wanted to hear this from. So what I've noticed, because unfortunately he was dating somebody at the same time he told me this. Right. He wanted some pussy, that's what I wanted. I've never had sex with him either. Like it's never been anything physical at all. It's just all been fun and just hanging out with each other. And when he told me that, I was feeling a little uncomfortable because I don't like to mess around with anybody's emotions, especially the fact that he had a girlfriend. I'm really careful on that kind of stuff. So when he told me that, I was like, why don't you go send it to your girlfriend? Why are you dating her? If you don't feel like you can give her your all. That is a problem. And I didn't really actually give me the answer, but he was basically just telling me that's how he feels about me. And he's known me for years. And I just don't, I'm a visual person. So he wasn't visually attracted, I'm not visually attracted to him. So that's one of the reasons why we're not, and have not tried anything, but I mean, I don't know. Like that's some of the situations I've dealt with, when it came to some guys especially. I think what's challenging about that, because I've been privileged to have a lot of conversations with a lot of women. And sometimes subconsciously what's actually happening, because unfortunately a lot of our women have abandonment issues. And a lot of our women have self-esteem issues. And a lot of our women have even mental issues, ADHD, depression, anxiety the whole night. Depression, anxiety right here. What actually happens sometimes, and it should have satisfied, sometimes we run away from good things because on some core level, we don't think we deserve it. And we'll use language like, it's boring. Because it's peaceful. And when we're used to chaos, peace looks boring. So how do we reconcile that? Because good news or bad news, you're not alone. There are women who, they do want, consciously want the white picket fits and the family and the whole nine. But some part of their subconscious is either telling them, run, this is too good to be true. I don't deserve this. Or it's not even attracted to that really. It's like you're conflicting with yourself. So what are your thoughts on that? Well, considering the fight that me, being such a visual person, it's hard for me to get past that sometimes. And I'll use that as my main thing. Like, oh, I'm just not attracted to him like that. Like I can't see myself have sex with him. You know, like that is a big problem for me. And that's one of the reasons why I don't date that many people and haven't, because I have like certain looks seriously. So that's one of the things for me. Another is, yes, I did think a lot of times I don't deserve good things because I didn't have good things when I was growing up. You know, I told you before that I had a band of issues from both parents. So therefore I was like, everybody's gonna leave. It's always gonna be like that. It's always just gonna be me because I don't deserve to have someone else around. And therefore keeps me single for a while. And me having situationships on the side, you know? So, and then now I'm different now where I've actually healed from a lot of that. And I actually do want a stable, happy and calm relationship. So I actually now kind of am talking to someone actually who shows that he's more, he's very nice, you know? And he may not look like he's nice. He looks kind of like he looks like an asshole. But he's a very nice person. And I literally said, I'm a little bored at one point. And I was like, wait a second. No, no, no, we're not going back to that. This is not happening. So I talk myself out of it. I have to, you know, think about all the trauma and the situations I have from previous guys who were not boring, right? And what I liked about them but what it led to later on. And this guy sounds promising for the most part, you know? And I decided to do something different. Like he's not necessarily the type of person I was 100% go for physically, but he's got the height. He's got the money, the, you know what I'm saying? Like, so I'm kind of like going for that and seeing what happens. I mean, it's very new, so I don't know, but. Well, so let me, let me ask you, is it, is it, and I want you to really think about this before you answer. Is it that you want those good things or that you want to want those good things? Oh, I actually want those good things. I do, but I also like bad boys. I used to like bad boys, really bad. I used to, it's like, I like the, so when I was a teenager, it was all until like, hot topic, right? I was that type of person that was that rocker chick and I liked the tattoos and the piercings and I was crazy like that. And that gave me a sense of, oh my God, he's, you know, bad boy, rough on my, you know, good feathers or whatever. And that kind of trickled into my adult life in that way. But it was, it looked different, you know? So the outside may have looked different, but the inside was always the same. Like it was a mental play, I don't play. And, but I've always said, I want this, I want that, you know, like I want this good thing and I would never get that good thing because I didn't know how to get that good thing and keep it and who to look for when it comes to that specific thing, you know? Now I know the guy who is emotionally stable is a good, that's a good thing. So, and that's what I desire. I wanted an emotionally stable guy who has no problems with expressing what he wants. And, you know, if he's upset about something or he's sad about something or happy, whatever the emotion is, but also the communication. I'm a huge communicator and I need people to communicate with me on almost everything when it comes to how they are, especially with me, you know? So some people they won't communicate. And I'll be like, why, what's going on with that? And sometimes it will have me chase the guy if I really like them. And not realizing that me chasing them is not necessarily a good thing because I'm looking like I'm needy, you know? And I hate looking needy, that is not my thing. So I just won't say nothing. Like I will literally just cut you off. I'm like, I'm not doing this anymore. And that's a lot healthier than me doing the opposite. So a lot of times when I hear women describe like their ideal guy, a lot of the characteristics are in conflict with one another. Because again, like sometimes it's still that hot topic little girl inside who is looking for a hot topic type of guy to be a six figure earning charismatic great father, you know, wants to build a family with me thing. So like, why do you think a lot of women don't necessarily mature in their preferences? They just combine them. We're stubborn? I mean, honestly, as much as men are stubborn, women are too. We're very stubborn creatures. And we want, we want, we're like, I deserve this. If you keep saying I deserve this, then you, regardless of what you think you deserve, you're going to get, you know? So it could be like, I deserve a guy who's a bad boy. You're going to get a bad boy. If you deserve a guy who's a nice person, you know, you'll probably get that too. But you necessarily can't get all of it at one time, you know, into that one package. Like you were explaining, like, like the other day I saw a guy with a bunch of tattoos. I was like, it looks kind of good. Like, I personally don't like tattoos on myself. I have none and I don't want any. But some guys with tattoos look kind of good. You know, they have that edge to them. And I'm like, okay, Kristin, this is not what you're looking for now. Like this is old you just get away from that, you know? Which is funny because I actually don't normally date guys with tattoos. But, but I look at them and think they're hot as hell a lot of the time. I'm like, ah, okay. So, but, you know, it's just, if you want different, you will act different. If you also want different, you will treat, you will go towards different situations, you know? And I had to make myself go towards different situations. And that's why I was making the distinction between what you want and what you want to want. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. Because a lot of women say they want stuff, but a lot of times they want to, I want to want a good father. Exactly. I want to want, and typically not. Yeah, but where are you finding this good father at, you know? Like you're going out to the clothes. Thursday, Thursday. You know, with a tattoo. And so I'm trying to find a family, a God fearing, you know, potential politician someday. Yeah. Exactly. I'm like, so where are you finding this guy at, you know? You got to go where you want to find somebody that you're wanting to get. So like if you want, if you're looking for a man who is a good dad, where would good dads go? You know, like potential good dads? Where do they hang out? You know, if you want a tattoo guy, where did tattoo guys go? You know, I mean, and that's what you have to think about. Like I personally don't go out clubbing anymore. I do not do it because every time I do is the same type of people, whether it's the exact same people or it's the same type of people, you know? And I don't want to associate myself with people who are the same type all the time. If I'm looking for something that's gonna actually last. And I don't pick up guys at clubs. No, I don't want to, I'm gonna say this. They approach me, I just go, I'm not interested. So like I went to Charlotte a few weeks ago and I was sitting at the bar with my girlfriends. This guy came up to me, grabs me on the back of my arm and I was like, he was like, hey, what's your name? I was like, nope, not interested. And he was like, oh, you're still sexy though, mm-hmm. Oh my God, I'm not interested. I have been approached that way so many times, it is annoying. It's very annoying. So sometimes I go out looking not so pretty because I don't want to be approached. So like, not necessarily means I don't wear makeup. I mean, I do have fresh face most of the time, but it's what I wear. If I decide I don't want to be approached, I will wear like the ugliest looking lounge clothes as possible and go get what I need to have done. But somehow somebody always still comes after me. It's annoying sometimes, but I mean, basically just go after, go places that you want to meet certain people at. You want somebody that's out of club all the time, goes to the club. Not me. Not me.