 Good morning, welcome back dear viewers of The Moms saying TV. I hope you're enjoying the morning We've had Quran and our Dua session. So we're vitalised and we got a cup of tea ready because we're going to have quite a deep Conversation with our dear sister Barak Hussain who's traveled all the way from Canada to join us She is a psychotherapist and you can find her on social media as the Muslim counsellor. So I'd like to welcome As-salamu alaikum dear sister. Wa alaikum as-salam. How are you this morning? Alhamdulillah yourself. Good. Thank you. We are going to be as I mentioned to the viewers We're going to talk about something that I suppose most of us go through in life If not everybody and it's about grief and the loss of a dear one and that loss can be in any capacity But really rather me introduce it We'd like to hear sort of your experience and you know what how you would go because there's several stages and we all Respond and react differently. So of course, what would you say sort of? How would you want to help our views to sort of who may be going through something grief now? Somebody's ill may not be living for long, you know, what's the different types of bereavement and grief? Big question. I'm hoping you're going to break that down. Insha'Allah I'll do my best. Insha'Allah with the last of the it's Everybody responds differently and what we need to understand that it's a normal response Your response could be different from the next person yet. That's still normal to you So we don't know how to respond a lot of people when they hear about a loss of a friend or Friend of a friend or family. They don't know what to say becomes very awkward You don't know how to comfort. You don't know, you know, what's appropriate to say what's not appropriate to say So we'll get to that a little bit later Just the person who is experiencing a loss of a dear one and a loss may not necessarily be death by the way It could be the ending of a relationship a marriage or a friendship Yeah, there's a grieving process there as well. There's sadness involved unless it was You know an unhappy relationship and the person's happy to get out of it. That's a different case, of course But there are stages phases rather that people could experience But even in the stages where you've lost a friend or you've come out of a relationship and you're Happy that it's ended, but there's still a point where that was right for you and perhaps, you know You're still going to go through something. Of course. So it's not that we should just think oh, you're happy But no, it's interesting because I think people we often Overestimate our motion. So yes, I mean you may not necessarily want to get back together with that person If you experience sadness because it's it's an ending and there is a sadness too Excuse me. There is a sadness to endings regardless So that's again normal and you may experience that you may not it really depends And so when we take a look at that grief Compared to the grief of somebody that was no longer coming back because they're passed on As we were saying there are different stages to that at first usually people tend to experience Denial the shock rather shock That this happened Especially in sudden death especially it was unexpected car accident or somebody's taking their own lives Suicide which is happening unfortunately in our community and we will be talking about that viewers I'm in the future episodes in the morning. So please do keep tuned with these episodes Yeah, this is an important topic that we absolutely need to explore in our communities So the sudden death could produce that initial shock I find within our muslim culture We have strategies to deal with that right away when we hear something like that. What do we say? Inna lillah wa inna ilayhi rajah and we are from god and to him we return We say that because that is haq that's the truth. We are all going to taste death We will all experience it in some form of or another Whether it's the loss of people around us Ending of our lives as well. So it's very much a part of our culture Yes, um and our awareness especially when you look at majalis The grieving that we experienced there in muharram and different Morning times throughout the year. It's part of our islamic culture, especially the shias So it's a part of our lives that we know this way because we're commemorating deaths of loved ones from long ago Special people imams in our lives But it's different when we experience somebody that we know personally But we use the strength That and we use the perseverance and patience from the majalis, let's say to apply here And I find that a lot especially with the older generation They they draw upon that to help them with that And I think just before we go to the next point, um, the I think when because I've recently, um, experienced the bereavement of a family member and sorry for your loss Thank you so much and god bless his soul But for me, you know, even when someone says just the simple words in na lillah wa inna ilayhi rajah It's about you cannot question god's Decision we are we've come with a time like, you know time frame birth and death. It's in his hands It's in that, you know, whatever his decree is and it's that submission and acceptance Is it not to say but why and I often find people who perhaps don't have faith will question But why did that happen? Why do they die so young and I think we are so blessed To have those words of comfort as you said it's huck that you know what at the end Allah wanted that person back and that was their time exactly it's the acceptance that helps the it's Almost a comforting validation when we hear those words which reduces the shock of it, right Some people get into the denial which is why you hear the question Why so denial is also another phase that people can experience especially when we lose young ones So is it shock shock denial? These are I would say phases. They're not necessarily in that order everybody will experience them differently But these are some of the phases people could experience So shock recognize it isn't if in somebody exactly that person's in that maybe they're in that stage denial That no they're they're they're gonna come back. They're gonna answer my message my return my call I expect them to come in through the door It's it's hard. It's it's painful to experience that but again, it's part of those phases Some people could experience anger Yeah anger I've heard people say anger towards god Right anger towards the universe anger towards the tragedy that took place or what Or the person that caused it if it was a car accident, for example, just angry at everybody Begin with the question of why Right, like why did this happen so suddenly so young why is my mother no longer with me? So people could experience that I find within our communities Because we offer so much support and love and we have Special commemorations for those who have passed on which provide so much support for the grieving process I don't find a lot of people within our communities experience so much the anger I find that with people who don't have strong faith or don't have The supports that we have in our culture Um, and then people come to perhaps Yes, even the when the process begins of someone grieving a loss or death The fact that you know neighbors are coming with food and you know taking that responsibility off their shoulders It helps to think about the day-to-day so they can focus on the person They've lost pain but do the prayers and think that they need that time to connect to god to you know understand And go through their emotions certainly but in terms of these stages, so we've mentioned you mentioned two Three sorry, so anger as well Do you Do you need to get all of them or do you can you jump from sort of again? Everybody's different. You may not experience any of these things in go It's instantly to the acceptance part Which is I accept this happen. I negotiate with my environment. I use the supports and resources around me I've accepted this has happened And I find a lot of people within our communities do jump to that Um, but there are those still struggling with the the other phases and it depends on their personality Depends on their coping strategies It does depend on their faith as well when it comes to death. Yeah those who may not have a An understanding or acceptance of it will struggle more with it and children probably, you know, they're developing aren't they so You could understand those emotions of anger and you know denial and shock that that child would probably go through something They've had a and we use different language with children I we always say, you know, this person is in jenna now this person is in heaven And so for them, it's okay. They're not here, but but can I see them again? so because again their cognitive development hasn't reached where Um, they understand they're no longer coming back, but there's different ways of speaking Um, I've noticed within our communities. Um, we don't right away tell when we break the news so to speak We don't right away tell the person This person is dead We break it slowly. They're in the hospital. They're not doing well Um, they're struggling They didn't make it so I find they it's presented softly not right away to shock the person Is that a good way in your Uh, I've personally experienced that when um, my uncle and my cousins years ago in iraq passed away It wasn't I had I just had a child too. So it wasn't presented to me immediately With my cousins. I remember that it was softly And slowly because they didn't want me to to to react in a especially vulnerable, you know after childbirth um The experience with my uncle was when I was actually in iraq. I was living there after I graduated university and um The news was he he hadn't He had gone to visit His daughter in another city and had come through Baghdad and was going to visit me before heading back to karmala And so karmala kept calling has he come to visit you? Has he come to see you? Like no, we didn't even know he was coming But he hasn't come back to us So I recall myself and my male cousins. They said you're staying home. I'm like no, I'm canadian I'm coming with you. We don't stay home waiting for news as women Um, we went around hospital to hospital to trying to find him So I recall afterwards, um, my cousins did find him, but he hadn't made it But they didn't tell me right away. They said, oh, we can't find him right now. We'll go tomorrow But when I arrived back home, one of my cousins took me into the room and told me El baqa fi hayatek, you know made the rest of your family and what do you mean? We're going back tomorrow, but they slowly they didn't want to shock me right away in the hospital So sometimes it would you know A part of you knows that that person is no longer there and of course it was very shocking But I experienced firsthand what it was like especially in that culture How the grieving occurs it's very dramatic But at the same time Quite healing with the family. Yeah, you were there to mourn this person Yes, there's spirituality involved. There's a majales. There's quran There's du'as to help in that and to give to the soul that passed on And to help with the healing and the pain and the love and support was amazing because during the day I saw that people were experiencing the pain and you know giving to each other But in the evening there were laughter and jokes. Yeah And that's part of it as well And but some people can't accept that can they because they're grieving at such an Intensity that they will look at others laughing thinking what do you find funny and and I I experienced that in in a death. I mean we had in our family But like I said, it's so important to understand that we all grieve so differently and One thing we mustn't do is judge others of how they do because maybe they need that They could be laughing by the way outwardly and what's wrong with this person But then they haven't come to terms perhaps there's a saying and I'm going to paraphrase it as I don't remember it word for word But life does not cease to exist When someone dies and laughter does not see something like that along the lines that you can still have laughter Even with pain and grief that life still continues does continue. We've got a couple of minutes left Is there anything else that you want to touch on that's you know, perhaps even even more of the stages or Perhaps in a relationship bereavement that people go through not to underestimate the emotions What would you it really depends on the connection you've had with that person, of course, right? But from a mental health perspective prolonged grief Could lead to isolation could lead to depression and anxiety and other mental health struggles So you want to be aware of that as well, you know, if you are struggling Please go reach out talk to a grief counselor talk to a share talk to a alima Talk to some family and friends that you can connect with and to get that support You shouldn't be struggling alone with this. I mean Someone as yourself who's you know equipped to deal with this kind of stress Do you think we need to do more work in our communities as in have people that are more Accessible in your kind of field or do you think shakes and alimas should be trained? How are we doing in an activity? Everything you said above In the sense that chefs and alimas would be wonderful if they have counseling skills because they are the front line Frontline workers in our community that people turn to right away for supports And I've I've worked with a variety of Chefs and alimas all over the world and they say that to me and I encourage them Please do get some counseling skills that they they have them already But official counseling skills where they can do couples grief Individual counseling for for folks in our community, especially from a spiritual religious point of view Which is what we need. Alhamdulillah. There are those who have it. There are those who are Continuing to or looking to to get that training and doing events together to bring awareness and normalizing And so when we're talking about grief, we need to normalize it in our communities We need to reach out to those who are struggling not just because after the funeral after the burial after the 40th after the year Do we forget about this person and their grief? We we tend to do that right? We'll have the yearly annual But how are they doing in between? Yeah, that's what's important. This is where the support has to come in Actually, even sadly, I've heard people say oh, why are you still grieving? Okay? It's been a year and But like oh it really breaks. So how do I hear people saying about others? You think well, what do you know what they're going through? You don't know what their experience is I mean you've you've heard stories of couples or elderly couples who within days apart There was nothing wrong with that other person, but they pass on Why is that because of the deep connection and love that they had they feel they cannot live without that person? You've I'm sure you've heard of those stories So it's it's we cannot judge when it comes to mental health because there's a huge mental health aspect to grieving And part of the tips that I can offer is to continue Eating well. You don't have an appetite. I understand. Yeah, but please try to continue eating healthy Lots of fluids in your system Still continue your exercise routines if you don't please have an outlet for your stress hormones continue with Things slowly, you know, obviously you need to take time off work and whatnot in school But we we try to give the advice of keeping to the routine At least you have control over that and this helps you manage the day to days and and ask for support seek supports Well, it's just you've just covered so much. Um, and I guess there's still so much I could have asked But as you said, you know, it's it's really understanding your own emotions Isn't it and reaching out and and gaming and for us as people observing someone else going through that grief To really reach out and that's where emotional intelligence comes in And I know we've had conversations off air about the interlink with faith. Um, but again, as usual time just flies Thank you so much. Let's see. Um, in shall we'll see you another morning and have a lovely day Please keep us in your doors. Um, next up. We have um, dr Yasamadhani and we'll be having another topic about the lungs