 So he's interested in you, but he's scared of this. Well, I think this is a great topic to dive into. I know personally I found myself in this experience where I was very interested in someone. And sometimes when I was interested in, I would try too hard. And many of you know, when you try too hard, you might suffocate a person. It kind of the way it might be the way you pick a flower and hold onto it too tight, you might suffocate someone. But I also recognize, excuse me, I think I just burped. I also recognize that there are times when I've been very interested in someone. And at the same time, scared that they might not like me back. And so in the past, I have pulled away for fear of rejection. And this is a common fear amongst men. I know many of you ladies out there love the idea of that alpha male who's confident all the time, that James Bond personality that just knows exactly what they're doing and they're single focused and they go after what they want and they don't pull away. Of course, the reality is that the number one search term for women is why do men pull away? Why do men do this? You know, it is interesting though, and I'm gonna share why men pull away. And we're gonna go into the nuances of why they pull away because I think it's really important to understand the big picture. But I will tell you this, and I know I've experienced this, when I knew somebody liked me more than I liked them. Maybe they were more attracted to me than I was them, but there was a difference and you can feel that energetic difference. It was fascinating to me because the, and I don't respect myself for this, but there's this sense of, you know they liked you more than you liked them. And because of that, you can kind of dangle a person along a leash, if you will. You can drag someone along, you can tether them along, knowing that you're probably not going to commit. And in those spaces, you might appreciate the fact that they're dwelling all the trying and you're making no effort to express any long-term relationship with this person, but you know they keep trying because you basically get your simple basic needs met, particularly in the area of physical needs. And I know many men do this, I've done it myself. So I'm very aware of this. But when I think of what caused me to be interested in people that I barely know and ladies, I just want you to think about this for a second. The vast majority of you are meeting people you barely know, you know nothing about them, they're total strangers. It's one of the reasons why I continually talk about the importance of betting a person before you give your heart away to a person. So what causes a man to be interested? Well, I know in my case, it's either been lust or it's been limerence. And limerence is an extreme infatuation. Usually it was based on physical attractiveness with the other person, or maybe they were at such a status in their life that you put them up on a pedestal. I know if I met, I'm trying to think of an actress that I might be interested in. Well, I think back in the day, if I met a Grace Kelly, I would have put her on a high pedestal. I was very infatuated with her when I was younger, just the name of few people like that. And so when you put someone up on a pedestal, it might appear that you're very interested, but at the same time, when you put someone up on a pedestal, you get really scared if they ever fall off the pedestal. And basically, not because you're gonna kick them off, but they're kicking you off of their platform, if you will. And I think it's the fear of rejection that men experience just like women. Now, here's the thing. The challenge with those of us in midlife, and midlife is after baby making years and before retirement, the real challenges for most of us, many of our childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas begin to surface right around the age of late 30s, early 40s. This is why a lot of men go through what's known as midlife crisis. This midlife crisis is where the blueprint of where they thought their life was gonna be like in their 20s and 30s collides with their reality, particularly those married men. And for a lot of married men, the way they thought their life was going to be in their 20s and 30s, now they're looking at it in their 40s, 50s, and even 60s going, this isn't the life I thought I was going to have in this blueprint collides with this reality. And so I said earlier how childhood wounds and traumas begin to surface, and for most of us in midlife, I want you to think about this, the average person in midlife has been married at least once and have had at least one significant relationship if by the time you've hit 50. In fact, I did a survey for my group and thousands of people have responded and it seems like the average amount of significant relationships, and I'm talking about relationships that have lasted over one year. Most everybody, the average was three. So I want you to think about this. In many cases it was a marriage, many cases it was another relationship, and then another relationship after that. The average person has had three significant relationships, some maybe more, four, five, six or seven, some maybe only one or two. Why is this important to know? Because I want you to think about it. If you're currently single and you've had three significant relationships, that means you've had three, I'm gonna use this word and it's not appropriate, but you've had three failures, if you will. Now they're not failures because every relationship comes with it a gift. It comes with a gift. Oh, I want to address this because I brought this up before. Now I know many, some of you have had abusive relationships, physically abusive, verbally abusive, maybe toxic, maybe some real toxicity. When I talk about the gift, my hope is that every one of you have gotten the gift of loving yourself after a significant relationship ended. Loving yourself. It's why I wrote a book about self-love. Here's the book. What the heck a self-love anyway? A journey of personal development, self-open spiritual work, a link below to get a copy of my book. Why I'm bringing this up is that the gift when a relationship ends is the gift of actually going, am I gonna become a stronger person from this? What lessons did I learn about myself? What positive things did I learn about myself? What was good about each relationship? What am I most grateful for when we can go introspective? The gift is the opportunity to look inward and say, how am I going to evolve to a better person even after possibly a horrific experience? The vast majority of us have had relationships that ended for a variety of different reasons. Most commonly, like in the beginning of this broadcast, why people pull away, it's fear. That blueprint collides with their reality, but their reality is the life underneath them, the ground underneath them doesn't feel solid. Those of us in midlife who've had relationships one, two or three, there's been an unraveling of the tapestry and that causes us to be fractured as human beings and then we hope through a relationship we can heal. And through relationships, we have an opportunity to grow and heal and at the same time, some relationships aren't meant to go the distance. Some relationships are just for a reason, a season, and yes, some are a lifetime, but in many cases, there is some gift that comes out of this relationship if we actually look inward and say, how have I grown? Now, what's interesting is I did a survey amongst all of you, we had almost a thousand responses and the question that came out was, why are breakups so painful for some and not for others? Has anyone ever broken up with you? If yes, how did it feel? Now, what's interesting is these were the five choices they could choose from breakups feel like a rejection or worse a betrayal. Breakups feel like a rejection or worse a betrayal. 45% of you felt like it felt like that. 9% of you said painful breakups are the result of giving one's power away. Interesting. Healthy breakup means the lesson that has been, has the lesson needed has been learned. 13% of you felt that. Taking a breakup very personally might mean a lack of self-worth. 11% of you thought that. And the final answer was, which 23% of you said true love means even if one wants to move on, we wish the other one well. Okay, why is this so important and how does this relate to this conversation? I'm here to say, relationships are, I do believe a container for individual growth. And sometimes we enter into relationships because we actually have more individual healing needed. And the relationship actually triggers and sparks the individual for some greater growth which they can only achieve outside of the relationship. So if we take an ending so personally, if we are so distraught that we believe we've been rejected, we've been betrayed, then we most likely might miss the gift or the lesson of the growth. And again, I believe the lesson is to love oneself. Now I'm gonna like to hear your thoughts on this. So anyone who wants to join the hot seat, I'm gonna put the link right up here. If you wanna join and have a conversation with me about this, there's a link in the chat box right there. If you'd like to be live, you can chat with me right now. There's a button for the hot seat. Now I'm here to, and by the way, if you have any questions, post a question in the group to make it easy for me to find, write the word question and post the question there after or you can purchase a super sticker, super chat. All of the monies from the super sticker, super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him in the obey shirt. He's my son who passed away over five years ago and in his honor, we donate to causes like the Hoffman process, Insight Institute and Seeds of Love, okay? Which is an organization helping young children who have been abandoned by their parents because they have a terminal disease. All right, it looks like we have our first hot seat guests, Sidonis in the house. Hello everyone. Hi there. Hi, I was in the hot seat a couple of days ago and then I did- I know you were, I hope I pronounced your name right. Perfect, perfect. I did what you told me and he said yes. He said- Refresh our memories for everyone who doesn't remember what you said. You told me to text him because I thought he was pulling away from me and we've been in a relationship for about six months. Okay. And the last two weeks- Your distance, right? It's six hour drive, right? Yeah, yes, yes. I remembered. And he said yes, he was pulling away. He told, his exact words were, it ran its course. I don't know exactly what that means. It ran its course? Well, it had a beginning, a middle and an end. It basically what he's saying is this relationship has ended, it ran its course. Okay, so. I know that's very sad. And at the same time, I want you to recognize that you entered into a long distance relationship. Right. You entered into a sexual relationship with not too many agreements about why are we doing this? What's the purpose of this long term? There was a lot missing in here. So you entered in very naive, hoping that magic fairy dust will make everything work out. That's true, that's true. And ladies, you guys have this fantasy about magic fairy dust shifting the way a relationship is. Believe me, long distance relationships are incredibly problematic. They're incredibly rare that they ever work out. Oftentimes there's a challenge because one person has to move and maybe they may not assimilate into the new area and then they put all the pressure on the other person to provide all their emotional support and needs. So this is, it's very problematic. For six months, you saw each other a half a dozen times, you had a good time, but I'm here to encourage you. Yes. The proximity builds continuity. And continuity builds the deep roots of trust. It's difficult to build trust unless you're seeing each other on average of at least a couple of times a week over the first 90 days. You need a lot of continuity to build trust and doing it when it's far apart, it ran its course. Okay, so what I did is I'm working on myself and today I bought a brand new car, so. All right. Well, if that brings you joy, just remember, I just wanna give you some heads up though. Yes, please, anything. From what I understand, happiness comes from two sources. It's not the accumulation of things. You know, I have a Hyundai, I'm driving a Ferrari. You might temporarily be happy for a short period of time, but it's still just a car. True happiness comes from love and learning, love and learning. So I just wanna invite you to learn something new. Yes. And go love somebody right now. Give your heart, I mean, your friends, your family, give your heart to love. Be of service to others and learn something new because that will bring you joy, okay? Big hug. Oh, thank you. I'm receiving it and giving you one back. Thanks, Sidonnie. Thank you. All right, bye now. Looks like we've got a few people in the house. Tasha and Barbara. Tasha. Hi. Hi. Hi. Turn down the volume from the video. Tasha. Hi. What's your question? Oh, I just have some comments and you're talking about breakups. I've been through a few... What's your question? I don't think I really have a question. I've been through a few breakups and I just agree with you. There are some hard lessons when you break up. You just don't see them at the time. So what have you learned about yourself from these breakups? I've learned, well, I've learned a lot from listening to you for one thing. Okay. What I've learned is that I need to be more selective. Okay. And I've been vetting people a lot better since I've been watching your show. Okay. Well, thank you. Do you have a question for me? No, I don't. Okay. Well, we've got a few other people waiting. So can I take one of their questions and if you think of something, wave, okay? Okay. All right. Well, thank you. All right, let's get Barbara on the hot seat. Okay, I gotta figure out how this works. There, my volume's down. Can you hear me? I can hear you. I can barely hear you. Okay. Turn up the volume from your phone or your... Okay. Are we okay? Shoot, what's your question? I can... My question is how to get out of the friend zone. He's wind and dine me for 10 months, two, three times per week, very expensive. We fooled around once. And I've been in the friend zone and I don't know how to get out of it. He talks about marriage. He talks about planning a life together, but nothing progresses. Okay. So... So how is it pushing forward? I was gonna say sleep with them. So I was gonna say sleep with them. If the sex is good, he's gonna want more, right? We fooled around once. So why not ask him? Why not? Okay. Wait, wait, hold on. Why not ask him, what are we doing? Are we just playing house or is this... Why not ask him? I've tried and he's got... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Try is what Yoda said. There is no try. We do. So what have you done, not what you have tried? Okay, cause he has mentioned, he does not like pressure. He runs from pressure. He said that. He's a run. He's got a million women that want him. He's crazy. Okay, so he's sleeping with a lot of other women. Is that what you're telling me? No, he's got a trauma bond with a toxic axe. Okay. So musicians typically, I mean, I'm not saying this is a stereotype to some degree, but many musicians oftentimes are, can be avoidant personality types. So, and in this particular case, you said he's has a trauma bond with an axe. So let's take him out of the picture. Why do you want a relationship with him? I've never been treated like Gould, like he has treated me. So what's missing for you right now in this relationship? Is it a commitment? Is it a ring? Is it moving in together? What's missing for you? All of the above. Intimacy, commitment, ring, marriage. All of the above. Okay, so it's been 10 months. Okay. Listen, you have to be, love is a risk, okay? And you have to be willing to take the risk. Let me just say something. There's two chapters in my book. What the heck is self love? Anyway, a journey of personal development, self up and spiritual work. Chapter one, speak your truth, do it with kindness. If you speak your truth, that's a great book. If you speak your truth, chapter nine says if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. If he's your right person, by speaking, by being vulnerable, by being authentic, by being transparent, if that's pressure for him, he's not your person. It's been 10 months. If you told me 10 days, I'd say maybe a little too quick. It's been 10 months, okay? If it's, by the way, you've got to, you basically go, dude, shit or get off the pot. A real man goes after what he wants. Aren't you a real man? Okay. But you're not going to take my advice. So, because you're afraid to lose what you have, which is a friend, a platonic relationship, by taking the risk to take it to the next level, because he doesn't want the next level with you. Believe me, a man goes after what he wants. If, and this is, I'm sorry to say, but he's just not that into you enough. He likes, he likes your company. He loves it from a platonic sense, but men who want a relationship go after what they want. In the beginning, he did say he was courting me and he was looking for a wife. So I've kind of been- He doesn't believe in sex. Maybe he's just waiting to, okay. I don't know. You're a man. Why don't you ask him to marry you? Why don't you ask him to marry you and see how he responds? There's an idea. I thought about that. Why not do it? See, the only thing you lose is nothing. You don't lose anything. If he's really your friend, he'll still be there after this conversation. And if he's really your true love, then he's going to dive in. I was a woman, I asked him, I married him. Did you look to get on a dog on one knee? You get down on one knee with a ring and ask him to marry you. I've already got the ring, but it's terrible. It's been 10 months. It's not been 10 days. It's time to have a grown up conversation. And by the way, I'm going to go on a rant right here, Barbara, so please forgive me. You ladies drive me fucking crazy. You are so afraid to speak your truth. True intimacy comes from being vulnerable. Watch the work of Brene Brown. Brene Brown talks about true courage is being vulnerable with another human being. If you really want to bond beyond the surface and it's nicely, it takes you out to nice dinners and he winds and dines you, that's so surface. True intimacy comes by being mutually vulnerable with one another. If he's not capable of being vulnerable with you, then accept the relationship. If you're not happy with the circumstances, but you're too afraid to speak up, then just accept it for what it is. And just remember, he will be with somebody else in the future. I promise you that. Right. When she becomes that change. Okay, Barbara, I'm going to take on Aya. Thank you so much. Okay, have a good night. Thank you, you too. Big hugs, sending you a big gigantic hug. If you want to get on the hot seat, here's a link to join the hot seat. Aya, I'm going to answer you, Miss Satchel. I'm going to answer you in just a second. I saw a question come in. Bear with me, everyone. Bum, bum, bum. All right, let's take this next one. How do I pronounce your name properly? Ha-hee. Ha-hee. How are you doing? I'm fine, thank you. So, what do you got for me? I've been seeing this banker like for, I know him like for four years. And since like one year now, we've been seeing each other spending time with each other, playing around, fooling around. But- By the way, when you say the word fooling around, do you mean the penis gets to go inside the vagina? Never. Okay, okay. He never did that. The only thing, the only thing he really likes, it's like oral sex. Okay. And he never tries to play with me or put his penis in my vagina. By the way, everybody watching this is loving that. So, thank you. Yes. And, you know, we've been playing around yesterday and I said, why can't you do this to me? Because I always been playing with you and you enjoy every moment. And I don't really like what you are doing because this is unfair to me, you know? And he was saying that, oh, if I tell someone this, they would say that I should leave their company. But- Let me ask you, first, before you go any further, I want you to think of a question to ask me. Just what's the question you're wanting answered right now? The question is that why can't somebody love me for me? The reason why I'm saying this to you, I'm a older child and I was married with one person from I was 21, then I was 36 years old then I, then I had my children- I want to actually answer your question. Okay. Why can't someone love you for just you? I think that's a great question. So, the vast majority of human beings are deeply wounded in some way, shape or form. So, their love cup is actually rather empty. This is true of men, this is true of women as well. Most women are delusional. They think that they're not wounded. Most people don't recognize that they are wounded from their past relationships or their childhood. So, their love cup is rather empty. The problem is if you meet a man whose love cup is empty, he can only temporarily like you or maybe kind of care for you, but they don't have a capacity to go any deeper than just the surface. That's the why to answer your question. Now coming back to you most likely, you started to share something and I will tell you, my instincts tell me there is some deep wounding from your childhood that needs to be brought to the surface that needs healing because my suspicion is you're accepting men who are not capable of love you because their love cup is full and you attach yourself to somebody because your love cup is a little bit empty too. Does this feel true for you? Yes. Okay, so my invitation for you, my invitation for you right now is to give yourself a big, gigantic bear hug right now. Give yourself a big hug, that's okay. Big hug right now, okay? And I want you to begin doing meditations both in the morning and the evening. These are I am meditations. I am worthy. I am lovable. I am kind. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of being with someone who can meet my needs. I am very giving. I am very loving. I'm very caring. I am compassionate. I am worthy of meeting someone who can meet my needs. And I invite you to say these affirmations over and over and over again. At the same time I invite you to look at your child wounds and promise and I invite you to read the book. The Hoffman process to do a deep dive. There's a link below. And by the way, you can go back and rewind this video at the 27 minute mark and get the Hoffman process to begin that journey of inner healing and do these affirmations. Are you with me? Yes. Okay. Can I give you a big, gigantic Jonathan bear hug? Thank you. The thing is that, but you know when the child, it's like all I know is to just love. I was married to the first husband then I married to the second husband which I spent seven years with him. And he hurts me. By the way, I don't want you to focus on the story. The story is the past. The past is prologue. I want you to focus going forward, okay? Okay. And if you need help, I invite you to speak to a really good therapist in your area to unpack those past relationships because we can't do it here. That would take too long, okay? But I invite you to go to a therapist to unpack those past relationships to better prepare you for something in the future. Are you with me? Yes. Okay. Can I give you a hug and say good night for now? Good night. I love you. All right. Thank you. Thank you for being on the hot seat. Thank you for all your- Very welcome. Many blessings. All right. By the way, if you want to be new and join the hot seat, here's a link. By the way, it's me not you says, can you imagine dating someone like Jonathan? Good grief, I'd end up in jail. So folks, I'm no picnic to be in relationship with. I'm the type of person because I like to go into the weeds and explore all of our childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that I can actually be very triggering to a person. Not from the sense of hurting them. I am probably, when I say trigger, I'm a catalyst in many cases for someone to grow outside of their, from their past experiences. And I create an opportunity for growth. So yes, I'm a handful to be in relationship with. And I thought it was kind of funny that you wrote that good grief. I'd end up in jail. You probably would. So I thought that was cute. So thank you so much. Ah, let's see if you'd like to join the hot seat. If you'd like to join the hot seat, click the link right here. Let's see what we've got in the way of questions. Oh, bear with me, everyone. McCoy Oakle says, I would be okay with Jonathan just we might not have enough things in common. Hey, Rachel's in the house. So let's just take Rachel. Hi. Hi there. I finally- Can you speak up? Yes, it's- Hello. Talk. Hey. No talk. Hi, can you hear me? Can you hear me? Just try to speak as close to the microphone as possible. Okay, can you hear me? Yes, I can hear you. Okay, so I did actually get a chance. Hi, can you, I think there's something wrong with that. Is there something wrong? I think there's something with the lion's poop. Maybe it's- That's okay, I can hear you. Okay, so what I was going to ask is about the naked divorce. Naked recovery, naked recovery, naked divorce? Yes. Okay, I'm gonna put that up on the screen for everybody. By the way, everybody in the description below is a link. I want everyone to ask for Adele. What's your question, Rachel? What's your question? What do you have? Hello? Just talk, just use your words. I'm trying to talk, but I think it's the audio, the audio's- I can hear you, so just keep talking, ask me your question. I'll keep talking, so would Marie consider coming on to talk a little bit about her experience with the naked divorce, because I'm seriously- I'm seriously- Actually, if you go to Adele's website, there is a testimonial from Marie. If you go to the testimonial, she actually posted about a 10, I think it's quite a very long testimony on her page. So I definitely would do that, okay? Use your words, we can't- Is that it? Okay. All right, and it seems like Rachel didn't have much more to say. So anyone who's interested in the naked recovery, naked divorce, I'm gonna put the banner right here. If you go to the website nakeddivorced.com, click on testimonials. I think there's like a 10 minute testimonial by Marie on there. So if you wanna learn more about it, I highly recommend going to the website, mention my name to Adele or mention Marie's name, and I think they'll give you $50 off on any one of our programs. So I highly recommend that. All right, if you wanna jump on the hot seat, there's the link. We've got- What questions do you have of me? Are you ready for some tough love? Do you have some questions for me? And I think Leif says, Rachel, that was a good question. So let's see if we have anything in the Q and A board. Jojica says, what is the hot seat? This is where you get a chance to talk to me live. Jojica, here's the link to talk to me live. All right. Jeno says, I wish I could find a man who's in touch with his stuff and able to communicate the way Jonathan does. Folks, I'm an anomaly and let me explain why. First and foremost, I'm in a profession where I speak to women day in day out, hours and hours upon a day. So that's unique for most men. Number two, I have immersed myself in personal development, self-help and spiritual work. Now that alone doesn't necessarily make me a good communicator. I also had a background in sales for over 20 years. My profession was corporate insurance. And in that I learned, I actually, what I teach in my private coaching is what I learned through my experiences as a sales person. I learned that if you wanna get to know someone, you have to ask the deeper probing questions. You have to get into the nooks and crannies to really get to know what a buyer is interested in. And it's the same in relationships. Many of you are just operating at the surface level. How's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. That's Seinfeld Kramer said. Well, it seems like many people have surface conversations and even some of the guests that we've had on tonight, they're fearful of speaking their truth. Why? Because it's better to get crumbs than to maybe lose the crumbs. And I'm here to say, if you're accepting crumbs, that means there's something inside of you that doesn't feel worthy for anything more. A person who truly is in their power, in their sovereignty, in their self-worth, their self-esteem, they are unafraid to ask those deeper questions of a man. And I'm inviting you all to go deeper because many of you find yourself in surface relationships. All right, that was my rant right there. If you'd like to get on the hot seat tonight, here's the link right here. Kimberly, why don't you join the hot seats? It'll be fun. Esther, how about you join the hot seat? That would be fun. Kala, how about you? This would be fun. Leif says, Marie says you're exhausting. That is quite true, although Marie can run at the mouth as well. Hope she doesn't kill me for that. Leif's wants to remind Aya, don't settle that, that took courage, be blessed, I agree. All right, if you have a question for me, oh, here we go, Robin's in the house. Jonathan, I'm widow two years, two years Eve in long-distant, wait, I'm a widow, two years Eve in long-distance relationship, we are engaged, but he wants me to move there and give up everything, my son and family, I have pets, shouldn't he move to me? Well, I would say most men are lazy and most men are selfish, okay? So I'm selfish, I'm gonna own it, I can be lazy, I'm gonna own it. Now, here's the thing, before you ever enter into a long-distance relationship, one of the things you must be talking about in the early stages is the dynamic of where the two of you would live if this was gonna go from casual to serious. This should have been a conversation two years ago, Robin, first and foremost. Now, the fact that you have children there made it most likely that you wouldn't move. So, should he move to you? Probably if you are more rooted in your life, but just remember, and this is probably one of the primary reasons why long-distance relationships end up failing more often than not. When a person moves to be in your environment, that puts a lot of pressure on them that they have no community, no friends usually, no foundation, no sense of stability. And so you are their only source of stability in this dynamic. And because of this, it puts a lot of pressure on the relationship. In addition, a lot of people get homesick for a sense of community. And these days, because we're so spread out in different areas, it's no wonder that long-distance relationships end up failing most often. And I say failing only in the sense that they end because community is a critically important facet of a relationship. I've been watching 90 day the other way and there's a woman who is leaving, I believe she lives in Tennessee to go to India to live with him, this man, his family, her, his entire community, she's giving up her entire community for this man because I love him so much. I love him so much. Folks, love can't be the end-all be-all for making change in your life. Believe it or not, I think this relationship will implode at some point because she has no sense of community and it puts a lot of pressure, particularly for another culture to assimilate for one another. That's a very complicated thing. So I'm just sitting saying, in your particular case, would it be more prudent he moved to you? Sure, have you talked to him about it? Have you had a discussion? What has been his response of why he wouldn't move to you? But I will tell you the reason why most men won't, they're lazy and they're selfish, myself included. All right, thank you Robin for your question. Um, Elizabeth said she had a hell of a time on the hot seat. My voice sounded like it was repeating itself in Jonathan too. It was frustrating. I'm sorry about that, Elizabeth. All right, let's, how do you pronounce your name? Who do we have here? Ms. Cromwell. You're on the hot seat. No, you mentioned my name. It's pronounced Kahala. I'm in Hawaii. Oh, Kahala. I've been watching you for a while and you said, just said something. Speak right into the camera. You just said something about the bread crumbs. The bread crumbs, you don't want to lose it. Well, I've been working on myself for years. I've been single for like 12 years. And I just started watching you like a couple of years ago, but I wanted to touch on that. There's something wrong within you, right? He said, if I'm like about losing, I don't know. I'm seeing a therapist too at the same time. Okay, so Kahala, I'm going to, all right, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I want you to think of a question. Don't tell me the story. Think of the question you want answered. Well, can you like, expound more on the, what you just said about, we don't want to lose the bread crumbs or something. Oh, the bread crumbs, okay, sure. Can you talk about that? Okay, so what happens in many cases for men and women is they've experienced something in this romantic encounter or interaction, okay? Because I don't want to use the word relationship because a lot of people are in situationships and they just don't know, okay? So they're in these encounters, okay? And they're experiencing some level of joy, okay? Just some level of joy. Now, sometimes that level of joy is the other person is a mirror for what's maybe missing inside of you. So you see what's missing in you and you see it in them and you get attached to that. That's one example, okay? What happens is you're attached to the crumbs and you're fearful. If I stand in my power, I speak my truth, I'm vulnerable, I'm authentic and I'm transparent, I'm gonna lose the crumbs. But you see a person who's truly in their sovereignty, their self-worth, their self-esteem, their self-reliance, their self-love, they are unafraid. Yep, my book, my book. Look, I need your book. People who really stand in their power are unafraid. I'm gonna share another book. I'm not the biggest fan of this book. I don't love everything in this book, but this book is called Why Men Love Bitches. Now, the one thing I like about this book is it's all about standing in your power, not accepting crumbs. There are other things in this book that are game playing, but I really invite every woman, particularly to stand in your power because accepting crumbs. And by the way, you have to understand a relationship. Oh, can I, can I, can I interrupt? Sure, sure, sure. If you're brought up, okay, this is what my therapist pointed out. You know, in Hawaii and Asian, it's my ethnicity and the way I was brought up. I was brought up, you know, very religiously, Catholic. You're supposed to please others. You're supposed to listen and be quiet and do whatever the authority, which is a man, you know, he's the head of the house and you're beneath. Yeah, it's one up, one down. Yeah, it's a double standard. Which is a recipe for abuse, control, submission, you know, it's a recipe for that. And I've been going through this and I can see the red flags and she always says, my therapist I have a female therapist, she always says, you see the red flags, but it's your fault if you choose to ignore it. And she's right. Yeah, so, okay, so here's the thing. There are a significant percentage of women and men too, who are givers, okay? But you have to understand a healthy relationship is two givers and two receivers. You have to be capable of receiving. If you're not asking for your needs to be met, if you're not making requests for your needs to be met, then that's on you. Because just because you have duct tape over your mouth isn't his fault, that's your fault. And you women all fucking have duct tape over your mouth. I mean, it cracks me fucking up. You sit there and bitching complain about the men, but you do very little to speak your truth to men and we aren't fucking mind readers. Okay, we can't read your mind. So it's incumbent upon you. And again, your therapist said, red flags is different than a deal breaker. Let me be clear. A deal breaker is a no. If you ignore the no, that's on you. A red flag means ask deeper questions. Go ahead. You're right. Thank you. Oh, by the way, say that one more time. My favorite three words. Into me see. You are right. Into me see. No, no, that's a different one. You said you're right. By the way, that's the Leo in me that loves to be. No, you're right. There you go. I love hearing that. By the way, I'm saying this tongue in cheek. Okay, believe me, I'm wrong more times than I can count. No, thank you. When you heard that, I said, I don't want to go in the hot seat. I'm usually, I'm really, I don't like attention call to me, but I just went, I got to get there. I have to. All right. I wanted to say more about that. Well, let's get some more people in the hot seat. Thank you. Mahalo. You're very welcome. Give you a big gigantic Gotham Bear hug. Mahalo. Thank you. Okay, thank you. Okay, bye. Bye. All right. Happy Chrissy says, I have an acquaintance whom I've known for a year who is very attractive by definition. We are going out this week, but I'm not sure if I'm attracted to him. Can my attraction for him grow? So what I've learned over the years, men are visual creatures. So we oftentimes needs that visual stimulation. Basically we need to get the penis up. So it's usually through visual stimulation. That's why men are addicted to porn. Okay. Women, on the other hand, also need visual stimulation. However, what I've heard through the years, this is Dr. Pat Allen says, men fall in love with their eyes, women fall in love between their ears. Now I've coached hundreds, if not thousands of women in the last decade and a half. Well, I'm easily in the thousands, okay? Nearly one third of them who are in happy relationships have said to me, and I quote, I wasn't attracted to my guy on the first, second or third date, but something changed. See, the thing is, the heart is such a beautiful, beautiful creature in and of itself. And when you can actually tap into a man's heart, their outer appearance looks beautiful. You know, it's interesting. My father, who is 98 years old, by the way. George, no, Sean Connery handsome, even in his 80s, okay? And my mother weighed 300 pounds while I was growing up. And I always asked my dad, are you attracted to mom? He said, she's the most beautiful woman on the planet to me. I want you to think of Pierce Brosnan and his wife. See, when you see a person's heart, the outside doesn't matter as much. So happy Chrissy. Maybe if you get a chance to see his heart, you won't be as concerned about the physical appearance, but that's just my invitation for you. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this post to comment below. All right, if you wanna be on the hot seat, click on the link right here. Ami's in the house and she says, I'm waiting until my kids are 18 until I get back into the dating game. When I'm ready, other than online dating, what's a good mate, wait, what's a good way to dip my toes back into the dating world? The most efficient way is actually online dating in the sense that it's the easiest to get the most amount of hits. If you're on a dating app, you can swipe away fairly quickly, okay? Other than that, do the things you love. Be in places where there's a congregation of single, eligible men and women. Now, keep in mind, at midlife, it's hard to know who's single and eligible. So you just gotta put yourself out there, interact with friends, ask them to introduce you to people. One of my clients who wrote a book based on our work together, she met her guy through a blind date. So put yourself out there and keep in mind, most of us live, for those of us in midlife, we spend more of our time at home than we do out in the real world. If you're not willing to do online dating, you gotta put yourself out in the real world. Where can you go? Personal development workshops, yoga studios, meditation events. I know it's more women than men, but let me tell you, a lot of men are going to these places. So that's my invitation for you, Tammy. Hope that helps. I can't believe we have Zendal in the house. Hi. Hi. How's it going? Good, how about yourself? I've seen you for months on my channel. Yeah, and Leif says you have a birthday coming up. Yeah, it's a week from, it's on Tuesday. I'm gonna be 29 all over again. Let's do it. Why not? Huh? You think it, you believe it, it can come true, right? Exactly. Well, I have a question. You talk about the deeper conversations. Can you give us ideas on what those conversations might look like? Well, I think you could start, so some deeper conversations could be what happened in your past relationships, what was the cause of the ending of your past relationships? What positive things did you learn about yourself in your past relationships? What was good about your past relationship? What are you most grateful for? Those are a couple things. You could go in and ask about their childhood. Where did you grow up? What was it like growing up there? What was it like with your parents growing up? You wanna get into the nooks and crannies of their past. What you're mostly paying attention to is how do they respond? Not so much with what do they respond? If they're apprehensive to respond and they're secretive, that's a clue in and of itself. If they're dismissive of your question, that's a clue. If they bulldoze you past the question, that's another clue. What you're looking for is an open receptive person to deeper questions. What's your greatest fear? What's a big red flag from you? By the way, that's a question I always like. Tell me a red flag about you. Mm-hmm. What's something weird about you? The red flag one, nobody knows that, but I could say my red flag is I'm exhausting. I like to go in the nooks and crannies. But to me, my red flag is my strength. So anyway. Well, I've heard so many great things tonight and my favorite is the gift. Yes. I love the gift. Well, it's interesting. When I brought this up a couple of days ago in the video, I got some pushback because for the person who's experienced verbal abuse, for the person who's experienced physical abuse, for the person that's been in a toxic relationship where their sense of reality has been eroded, I can understand it would be difficult to look at a relationship as a gift, but to me, the gift is always going inward and say, how can I grow from this experience? How can I love myself through this horrific experience? The more horrific, the more the opportunity is to love oneself. And so to me, self love is the recognition that we all need to give ourselves an injection, an infusion of love. It's oftentimes we hyper focus on giving love to others and yet we humans are terrible at giving it back to ourselves. Now self love isn't doing manicures and pedicures. That is a form of self care, okay? And I'm not to suggest that there isn't loving yourself in those things and those are good things to do, whether it's massages, things that take care of your physical wellbeing. What I'm talking about is emotional wellbeing, meditation, affirmations are just a start, really learning how to quiet your mind, unpacking the past and forgiveness. The, I'm a big proponent of the Hawaiian forgiveness prayer. We had a woman from Hawaii on earlier, the Hawaiian forgiveness prayer, I love you. I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you. I invite everyone, you're a zen gal, so you know what that is, right? The hapono, ponopono, ponopono, you know what I'm talking about. And I invite everyone to dive in deeper because this thing called life, it happens in a nanosecond and sometimes things change without us knowing, wanting it to happen. So that's why I make the best of every day, loving oneself. By the way, I went on a rant, so thanks for listening, zen gal. Oh, I really love that. In fact, some of my best days because I'm, you know, out here by myself a lot in a long distance relationship. So I was- Oh, jam on you. Like this morning I had a dance party. Oh, good for you. Party of one. Why are you in a long distance relationship? Well, it's working. He's up here every Thursday. For how long? Usually through the weekend, he leaves on Monday. When is this gonna go from long distance to short distance? Well, we live in two really cool areas, so we have the best of both worlds. How often do you go see him? He comes like four or five times more often than I go down there. Okay. Hey, he must really, he must really like the sex then. He likes my cooking. Oh, he likes your cooking. I'm sure he likes the cooking and the sex too. By the way, you can tell I'm very unabashed here. I don't mind calling shit out the way I see it. So- All right, well, that's fine. Well, you've got great energy, zen gal. You really do. Thanks. Thank you so much. Sending- You're welcome. I'll catch you again at Java Barab. Bye. Bye, thanks a bunch. We got Meg in the house. Meg, turn on your camera. What are you driving? Yeah, I'm driving in Montana. No, don't drive. I want you to stop driving. I'm not driving. I'm parked, but I am driving. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so my question is, how long would you maybe date someone before deciding to be exclusive with them? Like two days? Two days? Okay. So let me just say this. Here's my belief system, okay? If I- I'm just gonna tell you Jonathan's belief system. If I met a person and we got along and we both mutually liked each other and we saw each other a second time, we both mutually liked each other and we saw each other a third time, I don't really like dating more than one person at a time. Okay, so there's a difference, okay? And what it might mean to say is, a, dating more than one person at a time can be very distracting. And it also tells me what is it about this person that I don't like that I need to go find it somewhere else instead of giving my full attention to one person, okay? That's not exclusive. That's just literally giving time for something to nurture and grow. Now, my rule of thumb as far as exclusivity is when the agreement for the penis to go inside the vagina, and it's gonna happen more than once, you agree to monogamy. If you're gonna do it more than once, you agree to take yourself off the market searching while you explore this relationship. If you're going to have sex together, then a conversation should be had or must be had or I recommend having, talking about what's the purpose of this? Are we going to explore a relationship? But Jonathan, if I bring this up, the guy will get scared. You know me, I'd like to do a little bit of dramatics here. Any man who's unwilling to discuss monogamy and exclusivity while having sex with you is a man who's not serious about a significant relationship. Okay, so that was my rant. What else do you have to say? Well, I'm still going out with this man and he on the second date wanted to become exclusive and it really shocked me. It felt, I was- So men, okay, so men are territorial. We like to take you off the market so no other man can take you away from us. That's one thing. Now, is it premature a little bit? Is this a sign of maybe a narcissist or something else? Possibly, but men are also, we don't like rejection. We don't like the idea you could leave us to go for someone else. So what I would simply say is while I can't commit to exclusivity, what I can do is say, look, I only like to date one person at a time and when we agree to explore a fully committed relationship. By the way, you may wanna try my dating vows with them. Have you ever read my dating vows? I have read them. Okay, by the way, everybody, there's a link below to get a copy. I'm gonna read it to you right now, okay? The dating vows, by the way, have you ever heard the saying women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment, okay? So the dating vows goes like this. This is about the time you, when you're gonna have sex, have you guys had sex? No, gotten close, but then I just, I didn't want to, so we didn't, yeah. So you share with them, well, before I'm intimate, I'd like to share something with you, can we talk about it? And this is the agreement I'd like between the two of us. I agree to explore the process of getting to know you with the intent to declare something serious in the next three to six months. I agree to be monogamous sexually while we're having regular sex together. I agree not to actively seek and meet and date others while we're in the dating process, including taking down our dating profiles. I agree to speak up if this isn't working for me versus pulling back, ghosting and disappearing. I agree to invest regular time in the process of getting to know you, which looks like we see each other a couple of times a week. We do social activities, hobbies, mutual interests. My point in bringing this up, and I've had a lot of women tell me it's turned off a lot of guys, okay? And then I've had a lot of other women go, oh my God, this was great. I got him to talk about what he wants. So that's an invitation in this as well. Would you consider it a red flag? Cause we've had some deep conversations and we also had a lot of intellectual ones, but I've asked about why his marriage ended and he kind of says he doesn't know why. And that seems to feel off to me. So, it could be a variety of reasons. Maybe there was infidelity on his part as possibly a reason and or it could be that she was unfaithful to him and he's embarrassed by it. I would say something I'm really surprised to people who have been married for such a long time that you don't actually know the reason. So are you hiding something from me? That could be a question to ask. It might be a little bit feel a little combative, but is there something you're afraid to share with me? Might be another way of saying that, okay? But I would say it's highly unlikely you don't know the answer to that question. Did she end it with you or did you end it with her? Who initiated the divorce? Now, if he says that's too many questions, say you're a stranger to me. I don't know who you are. You are literally a blank canvas to me. The only way I can get to know you is to find out a bit of your past history because the future is predicated on the past. In other words, who we are as people have been shaped by who we are from our past. So if you're not willing to divulge this, I'm not willing to invest more in this getting to know you phase if you're not willing to share it with me. By the way, you can go back and rewind this and listen to everything I just said. Okay. Did that help, Meg? Yeah, it did. I mean, I still feel like I'm unsure if I want to be exclusive and that's kind of rattling me, but I guess I've got to see that. But just remember, you're not being exclusive dating one person at a time. Exclusivity comes when you actually decide to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. Here's the thing. I'm a proponent, look it, not everyone has to do what I do, okay? I just believe in dating one person at a time. So let me give you an example. If you're dating three men at a time and he's dating three women at a time, how are two people ever going to really connect if you're just out there with this perception that there's always someone better just around the corner? Before online dating, people only had a very small pool to choose from. Now we have this false sense of choice. So I like to give one person my attention for just a few weeks. And if it doesn't go anywhere, what did I lose? A couple of people I didn't talk to online, big deal. Yeah, that makes sense. And I still have time either, right? Yeah, when you have time to date multiple people. And believe me, by the way, the minute you like somebody else and they start giving you attention and you lose this guy over here, that guy decides to go to someone else and then he's talking to another woman who goes to someone else and nobody's ever really connecting. One more question. Sure. Do you have time? Okay. Sure. In your model, you put like attraction as the tip and then there's the other things below like emotional maturity and different things. How important is attraction though? Because in my pre, in my marriage, I really struggled with feeling attracted to my ex-husband. And so I feel like I'm very sensitive about this. I want to be attracted to whoever I'm with, you know? Yeah. Cause I want to have a good physical connection with someone, you know? So do you mind if I ask how old you are? I'm 40. 40. Okay. Well, the older we get, the less attractive we are to people. We just age, right? Because oftentimes many people in their 50s and 60s are dating with 20 year old eyes, men and women alike. So with that said, I understand the importance of feeling attraction, okay? But that's, it's an important piece. And the reason why it's the top of the iceberg, the tip, it's cause it's the first thing we see. We either see it or we don't. It's there immediately. What's important is underneath the surface that matters most. And the most, you know, an iceberg gets wider as it goes down, right? Emotional maturity is the reason why 99% of relationships end. Yeah. You know? And that's probably too high of a percentage. But the fact is, is emotional maturity and relationship skills is why most relationships end. So with that said, attraction is important to feel a sense of physical attraction for your partner. And it's important to have energetic chemistry. There's a difference between chemistry, physical attractiveness and actual energetic chemistry. Believe it or not, you know, it's not about the way the person looks. It's about the energy about the person that we're most often attracted to. And somebody who's not, I think of Donna Dixon and Dan Ackroyd, if you know who those two people are, but back in my era, drop dead gorgeous woman and Dan Ackroyd wasn't a very handsome guy. Billy Joel wasn't a handsome guy and he had Christy Brinkley. Why? Because there was something about that person, that man that went beyond looks. So I just invite you to open your heart beyond the physical and see if you can connect with the man's heart. Does that help? Thank you. All right, you're very welcome. Can I give you a big gigantic Jonathan Mair hug? Thank you. Thanks for being on. Bye. Wow, this was a lot of fun tonight, the hot seat. We had a lot of great people on tonight. Margaret wants to say yes, emotional maturity is low now. Yes, sadly for most human beings, men and women alike, a lot of you women think you're all just got your shit together when it comes to emotional maturity. Given the fact that women oftentimes compromise themselves, they have duct tape over their mouth, they're oftentimes extreme people pleasers. That tells me there's often a deficiency within women just that there is in men. A lot of women criticize men, men criticize women. You guys are doing this and it's no wonder men and women aren't connecting at the same level. So I hope you found value on this tonight. I wanna say Zen Gal says, thanks, Jonathan. Art and soul says, Meg, you are great, do not settle. By the way, Art and soul, I did see you make that comment about the dating vows. I know it's corny, I know it's corny, but what it does is it invites conversation. The whole point is to have deeper conversations than beyond the surface. And the thing is when two people are physically intimate together, I think it's critically important to have deeper conversations about what's the purpose we're doing this for. All right, we got one more question in the house. Let's take this one. Linda says, there's a guy who has bad communication. I live on the east coast and he lives on the west coast. He says he wants to marry me, but I'm not sure what should I do? By the way, maybe you should meet for the first time. That would be a good idea. I don't know, you've given me very little. If he's bad at communicating, how have you been able to maintain a relationship with this distance? I'd be curious to hear that. Um, Starrstein says, good advice to the ladies, Jonathan. Thank you so much. You're very welcome. All right, I think this will be a great place to wrap up tonight. I hope you found value in this. If you did, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. If you want some additional support, check out the links below to schedule a discovery call with me to join my group. Follow me on Instagram, get my dating vows. Check out the Naked Divorce with Adele and all that good stuff. All right, and if you've been gotten this far and you're listening to the replay, hit that super thanks button. Share the love as well. I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big try. Can't try not to embarrass yourself. Love, I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow, and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we can all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank McCoy and Cosmic Rose says, everyone please smash that like button to help the eye. Hey, thank you so much. Elizabeth says, thank you, Jonathan, and to all the ladies on the hot seat. I appreciate that. Gonna say thanks to Jane and Wejoin and Roller Girls in the house. And Brian, I love seeing guys in the house. Thank you so much. McCoy says this was a great one. Thank you so much. Lisa, Tasha, Audrey, Cassandra, Starshine. Lisa already said that. Linda, art and soul, thank you so much. Everyone, thanks a bunch. Be well, take care. Bye now.