 These days, commitment seems like an elusive word if you're a woman over 40 years old. And what I mean to say is, most likely, if you're in that age demographic of what I call midlife, you're most likely divorced. And what seems to be happening today in the dating, mating, or relating realm is men are less likely to want commitment because most likely they've gone through a divorce prior to being in midlife or enduring midlife. And let's just say, so I can understand that for a lot of women, this is very frustrating because why would you want to invest time in a person? Why would you want to invest your heart, your soul, your body to a person who isn't willing to commit, isn't capable to commit, isn't in a place to commit? And I get it. It's very frustrating. And you're seeing many of the red flags right up front. And yet many of you are ignoring the red flags. And you're not paying attention to the actual clues to determine if someone is ready for commitment. Now, one of the most significant red flags for those of us in midlife or those folks over 40 years old is that they went through a contentious divorce and they're still dealing with a contentious ex-spouse. That's right. They're dealing with a contentious ex-spouse. And the reality is, as well, it might seem like that person has compartmentalized that part in their life. When somebody is dealing with contention in their life, it's going to bleed into any significant or any relationship, but more importantly, a significant relationship, because then the person is managing two relationships at the same time. Think about that for a moment. When you're dealing with a contentious spouse, you're literally managing a significant relationship here while you're in the process of trying to form a relationship with someone new. So you must be very cautious for people who are either right in the midst of going through a divorce or they have a previous partner that is very contentious in their life. Very, very, there's a lot of friction between the two of them. Now, another person to look out for is those people, because most people in midlife are divorced and or with children, is do they put their children on such a high pedestal? I once did a video called the Five Glaring Red Flags, and I talked about the men who put their daughters on such a high pedestal that they actually neglect or they treat their new partner or their new person in their life as a second class or even third class citizen. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where a man or if you're or if you're a man watching this, a woman is done the same thing? They put their child on such a pedestal. Now, let me be clear about something. Children are very important part of our lives, and I am not here to discount the importance of making your child a priority when it's time to make them a priority. But if a person is continually making their child a priority and they're in a relationship with someone where they're literally treating their partner or their person that they're dating as a second or third class citizen, that's not a fun place to be in. Now, there are some other issues to be concerned about to determine if someone is really ready for commitment, things like where is their health status in their life? Where are they when it comes to their health? Now, why is this critically important? Because for those of us in midlife, health issues play a part into the longevity of a relationship. So if someone is going through some contentious health issues, it may make it very difficult for them to actually lean into a healthy, happy relationship. In addition, those folks that have unresolved issues from their childhood, if you follow my channel, you know, I habitually talk about the importance of recognizing childhood wounds and traumas or even adult traumas and go through some level of healing to prepare yourself to be in a relationship. Because if you haven't healed from your past, it makes it difficult to build the deep roots of trust in any future relationship. This is what we're contending with today. And I think it's rather naive to assume that magic fairy dust, the magic fairy dust of love will solve all these problems. Just think about this for a second. How many people got married thinking their love was so strong that it was going to resolve all their problems that are going to happen in the future? And I think it's naive not to assume that there are going to be a problem. See, love doesn't solve relationship problems. Love doesn't solve love as the glue that keeps people together. Love is that place where we want to cover a person. That's an important thing to want. But at the end of the day, if a person isn't emotionally mature enough to be in relationship, if they don't have good communication skills, if they're not in a good place in their life, then it makes it difficult for them to actually build that foundation to support a committed relationship. So in a moment, I'm going to share those five things men need to be able to commit. And I think it's really important to understand that most men are good guys. Most men are good guys. The reality is, is a lot of men are floundering out there. They're very confused because they don't have a support system to help them navigate the emotional challenges of life. Repeat that many men don't have a support system to navigate the emotional challenges of life. I say this from personal experience. I'll be candid with you. I have three of my closest, oldest friends that I've known for 35 plus years. It wasn't until my son passed away a few years ago that we actually, for the first time in our lives, opened up emotionally about what, not only what happened to my son, but the ramifications of that. I mean, think about this. I had to wait until my mid fifties to actually have an emotional support system. Prior to that, I had very little emotional support to navigate all of the frustrations and fears of life. And many men don't have that support system. Women tend to, because women as young girls have an opportunity to tend to, not always, tend to have that emotional support system within their circle of friends to talk about those things that weigh heavy on our hearts. And men are expected to be stoic. We're expected to be confident. We're expected to be all-kneeling all the time. And let me just say this. That's a lot of pressure on men. This is why a lot of men, it seems like at midlife, collapse. You know, many of you say to me, I don't understand. How can a man be 50 or 60 years old and not be mature and not be responsible and not have his act together? Well, yes, some men do have that and many men don't because they didn't have the emotional support system to really create the foundation for their life to actually support a fully committed relationship. So let's lean into those five things men need. I'm going to put on my trusty glasses. We're going to put this up on the screen for a second. I do that for fun. So I said this a moment ago. Number one, is there clean from their past? They're clean from their past. And what I mean by clean from their past is that what it most likely, whether they were in a significant relationship or a significant marriage, they are clean from that past relationship. They're clean from it. In other words, it isn't contentious. It's amicable, preferably it's beyond amicable. It's actually friendly to one another. Now that's a rarity, but amicable would be the best place to be. Certainly clean from their past allows someone to support a new relationship, a new relationship where they can actually establish commitment with one another. If they're clean from their past. And I don't just necessarily mean past relationships. But as I said earlier, the childhood wounds and traumas. There's been some level of healing. And let me just explain something. Childhood wounds and traumas actually manifest in typically in life in limiting beliefs in a life and a belief system that centers around fear. OK, centers around fear. When a person has done some healing from their childhood and certainly their adult life, that better prepares them because they're not operating from a place of fear. They're not operating from a place of shame. They're not operating from a place of regret. They're not operating from a place of comparisons. In other words, comparing themselves to others. Now, that's not to say we don't all do that on a default system. And yet those who have done some level of therapy, personal development, self-help and spiritual work. This is one of the reasons why folks, we're the copy of it. I wrote my book. What the heck is self love anyway? A journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. By the way, there's a link below to get a copy of my book. There's also a link below to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. Well, I'm here to say this is when it comes to dating, mating or relating, we have to be better detectives. We have to be better at interviewing people because the reality is, is in a melting pot of so many people choosing a partner who's aligned in our values, choosing a partner who's compatible in our lives and more importantly, choosing someone who's emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship is critically important. And while many of you have adopted the, well, we'll just wait and see. I'll invest six weeks to see if the, if the crumbs rise to the surface instead of the cream, rise the surface. The challenge with that is six weeks into a relationship you can get rather attached to the wrong person. That's why doing your due diligence ahead of time is so important. And number two, I said, clean from their past. They're actually in a good place in their life and their present. They're in a good place. If a person is going through contentious issues at work, if they've got, like I said, a contentious ex, if they've got health issues, that makes it very difficult for them to create that foundation for a healthy, happy relationship. So they're in a good place in their lives. Now, most people aren't going to right up front say to you, I'm in a bad place in my life. And yet many men and women give clues very early on when you ask curious questions. Many of you know, I'm in a significant relationship. There's a picture of Marie and I there, one of our early dates. One of the things we did very early on is we laid our cards on the table very early on. What that meant was we chose to actually talk about our past. We talked about our present. We talked about our desires of what we wanted in relationship. We bypassed some of the traditional, just, you know, romantic way of approaching a relationship. I'm not a big fan of romance as a way to lead into a relationship. And let me tell you why. It's oftentimes as a smoke screen and as Chris Rock might say, is people show up as their ambassador of their best selves when they're in a romantic state. And while we all love, especially women, love the idea of being a romance by a guy, I think what's more attractive is true vulnerability, authenticity and transparency. So when I said earlier, we laid their cards on the table. We laid it also, where were we at in our lives, both in our physical health, our emotional health? Because we felt like it was more important to get a sense if we're really a good fit with one another before we embarked on that true chemical bandwagon of chemistry, of lust, of limerence. We felt it was important to establish, are we a really good fit for one another? What everybody can do this? Fortunately, we had a little bit of a friendship before we physically met that established some rapport, some familiarity with one another. And yet at the most important thing is to ask yourself, is this other? At first, ask yourself, am I in a good place in my life? And then more importantly, are they in a good place in their life? Number three, this is one of the hardest things to really determine is does this person have good conflict resolution skills, good conflict resolution skills? Let me explain something, as I said before earlier in the video, magic fairy dust love will not solve incompatibility issues. What will solve incompatibility issues is good communication skills and more importantly, good conflict resolution skills. Now, what it means is when you have a difference with your partner, with this person that you're dating, do they actively listen to your point of view? Do they acknowledge your point of view? Because it's important to acknowledge what someone says. And do they accept your point of view as being true for you? Doesn't mean it's true for them, but it's true for you, acknowledging that and then the other person doing the same thing. And while there are going to be moments where you can agree to disagree, good conflict resolution skills is one of the base foundations for a successful relationship. And quite frankly, without it, it's very difficult to establish those deep roots of trust, as I said earlier, that will allow someone to fully commit in a relationship. I will tell you, I think the vast majority of people have poor relationship skills, poor communication skills. And more importantly, they tend to be, I'd rather be right than I'd rather be happy. Now, this is something you have to test early on in a relationship. Now, how do you do that? Again, schedule a discovery call with me. That's my air of expertise to help you learn those things. Number four, they're intentional about commitment. They're intentional about commitment. What I mean to say is, look at these days a lot, as I said in the beginning, if someone's gone through a contentious divorce, they might less be less likely to want to commit. A lot of people say, hey, I just want to take things slow. I just want things casual stuff. Casual and slow basically leads to a lot of hooking up and a lot of what I call friends with benefits, but you don't really know that's what you're in. OK. Listen, unless somebody says they genuinely want a fully committed relationship. Now, when a man uses the words, I want a relationship, you might want to ask them, what does commitment mean to you? What does a relationship mean to you? Ask that question. What does it mean? And more importantly, ask this question, what does a relationship look like for you? Many of you know my rhetoric. A relationship looks something like this, at least in the early stages of the first six months, it looks something like this. We spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal and our professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together or getting married. That is establishing what it looks like. I think it's important to challenge men on this question because they're going, well, I just want to see you. You know, like you might be thinking a relationship of what I just said, and he's like, well, I just want to see you when I want to see you. I just want to have sex with you when I want to have sex with you. And I'm going to go about my day doing everything else that I enjoy to do. And you're just basically a part time body for me to connect with. All right, that space in between those two things, that's called a lot of drama, but more importantly, that's a red flag. Establish what it is a relationship looks like for you and then ask or share what it looks like for you and see if they're on the same page. And fifth and more and most important piece. Do they want to build a partnership together with someone? Do they want to build a life together? Do they want to co-create a life with someone? One thing to want to be intentional about commitment, but also take that next step because here's the bottom line, the way I look at it. I looked at it with my sweetheart and I. Look at some of you might think, hey, we jumped in too quickly to moving in together. Yeah, a lot of people could think that, but we also agreed if this was going to work long term, we had to invest in the partnership to see if it works. Hey, we're with each other 24 seven and we even killed each other after almost nine months. Oh, I think that's a good sign. In fact, I don't think we've even had a fight to this point because we have established early on our desire to want to build partnership with one another. And more importantly, we established good solid communication, good conflict resolution, you know, platform for the two of us. So when we have our occasional differences, we actually, as I said before, lean into one another. And again, it's because we want partnership. Folks, most people want companionship, connection and sex, but ultimately commitment means you want to partner with someone. Now, I know that's hard to determine on a first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, 10, eight, I get it. But the same time, go in with the mindset of that's what you want and establish that early on because the people who aren't capable of it or uncertain about it, they're going to drift away, but you don't want them anyway. And they might circle back. That's possible. But at the end of the day, choose people who genuinely want commitment, want partnership. They're in a good place in their life. They're clean from their past. And more importantly, they can communicate in a way where you can be seen, heard and understood. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Please hit that thumbs up. Please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel if you're brand new. All right, I think we just watched the sunrise. It's a cloudy day. It's raining outside. I hope you enjoyed that. I think this would be a great place to wrap up this video. And I'm going to do it as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrett of self love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's OK. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love. Because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye bye now.