 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, The Four Ways A Man Shows. He wants a deep connection with a woman. We're gonna talk about those four ways a man wants a deep connection with a woman. Before we do really quickly, if you're new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell to be notified of new content. And if any time during this live stream or you're watching the recording, the content resonates with you, please hit that like button. I'll ask you a bunch of times so more people can get to see this if you think it's worth being share worthy. All right, we're gonna talk about those four ways a man shows that he's deeply, wants a deep connection with you. So, you know, it's interesting. I've noticed that most human beings these days are dating very haphazardly. It's very much a casual way about going about getting to know someone. Now, part of this is because we no longer live in villages, we no longer live in tribes, we're no longer meeting people who we're actually familiar with. I'm gonna repeat that. We're no longer meeting people organically as we did in the past before the internet was invented, before these little devices were invented, okay? It used to be that, you know, in the caveman days, whoever you mated with who was in your tribe. And then as we evolved into towns, you most likely met someone that was in your town. And then as we evolved more, you know, we met people at work. And then roughly around the 1970s, things changed. It actually, where people started to meet was at the nightclubs and the bars. And this is where we began meeting strangers, meeting strangers, okay? And today, let's fast forward today, most people who are meeting to go out on a first date are meeting total strangers, meaning they just know nothing about them. There's no familiarity with each other. And because of that, people are entering into relationships casually versus some intentionality, some sort of purpose. And think back to before the 1950s, if someone wanted to have sex, they pretty much had to get married to have sex. So there was an ultimate commitment made. Now very little commitment is needed to be made to actually enter into a relationship. And sadly, and I say the word sadly, many relationships are very casual because it takes time to really get to know another human being. It takes a minimum of 100 hours of face-to-face time, not telephone time, not texting time, not email time. I'm talking about face-to-face time just to get to the first layer of getting to know another human being. It takes a minimum of 100 hours, okay? And I don't mean you saw him over a weekend and amassed 72 hours over a weekend. No, I'm talking about at most a few hours a day over a period of time, maybe four or five hours in any given day over a period of time. It takes that much time to get to know another human being. So why is this so important? Why am I bringing this up in this topic? It's because if we don't really know another person really well, it's very easy, it's very comfortable to treat people transitionally. It's very comfortable to treat them with ghosting, disappearing, wishy-washy behavior, pulling away, you know, or you have to lean back. All of these things have to occur because most people aren't really getting to know each other at a deep, deep level, at a deep, deep level. So this is why I wanted to talk about this today because I wanna demonstrate what men, how men show up, and this is true of women as well. How do people show up when they're really making a deep connection to you? How do they differ than those casual relationships? And most people today, the vast majority of people who are dating today who've known each other for less than a year are actually in casual relationships, but I wanna differentiate the casual relationships from the ones where deep connection is happening, okay? Now I wanna share this with you is that before I was recording this live stream, I had written down four things that I wanted to share with you. And then earlier today, I worked out at the gym and then we have a jacuzzi where I live and I went to the jacuzzi and it turned out several of my friends were there and there were three guys, okay? There were three guys in the jacuzzi and there was a guy in his 60s, a guy in his 40s and there was a guy a little bit younger, 20s, 30s, I don't know, okay? And I said, look, I'm doing this live stream and I wanna share with you what I'm gonna share and I'd like to get your feedback and see if there's anything different. And what was interesting is that there's a hundred different ways a man shows he wants a deep connection with a woman and what I had originally prepared was very valid for our talk today. What I'm about to share was what was uncovered during this time I was in the jacuzzi, okay? So really quickly, I'm gonna spend a few minutes sharing those four ways and then we're gonna go straight to Q&A and just a reminder, if you want to ask a question you can buy a super sticker, you can buy a super chat or you can put the word question and then write your question very legibly so I can know it, let me know what questions you have for me, but don't do it just yet. Okay, the first way a man, by the way, this is in no particular order. In fact, the first one is kind of out of order most likely, but I think it's important to start with this. The first way a man shows he wants a deep connection with you is he says the words, I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. You know, it's interesting. I do believe there's a difference between saying I love you versus I'm in love with you. Let me give you an example. My mom and dad, there's a picture of them. I love you, mom and dad. There's a picture of my sons, right? I love you, my son. There's a picture of my friends. I love you. There are people in our lives that we love and when we say the words, I love you, it's a way of demonstrating deep care, deep affection, that someone's important to you. In romantic relationship though, I want to take a deeper dive. I do believe when we say the words, I'm in love with you, it's a demonstration of a deep connection. And so to me, the words, I'm in love with you mean this. I'm here. You matter. We are important. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. That's what differentiates the normal, I love you to people that we care about versus I'm in love with you. It says, I only want you, I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere. I'm fully committed to this relationship. I want to make it, I want to explore the depths of this relationship. And those who follow me know, I talk about juicy, delicious relationships instead of the casual relationships or the patriarchal relationships or those stable ambiguity that Esther Perel talks about where you're getting connection and sex, but there's no real commitment in it. I'm talking about the men who want a deep connection, they want a deep commitment. They're going to say, I'm in love with you. And that's a demonstration of actually saying, I want to go deeper. Is this resonating with you? If it is, please hit that like button so I know that this is resonating with you. I really want to see those likes jump up because that helps me know that this is sinking in. Okay, number two. And again, this was the guys from the jacuzzi. And I love this one because when we men want a deep connection, we actually want to make our partners happy. We look for ways to make our partners happy. Might be happy by choosing the restaurant you like. It might be happy by giving you the gift you want. It might be showing, we want to make you happy because we know your love language is touch or we know your love language is quality time or maybe we know that your love language is words. I'm a Leo, so it's words of adoration, not words of affirmation. So those that we're not familiar with the five love languages, here's the book, The Five Love Languages, check it out. And by the way, everyone, this I highly recommend reading. If you're not familiar with it, please check it out. And look, I'll put a description. I'm gonna put this in the chat box right now. This is a link to all the books I recommend. So click on the link. I'm gonna be talking about a lot of books. I'm a big believer, if we want to go deeper into our personal development, our self-help and spiritual work, reading books, listening to books, doing kindles, whatever it is, watching videos are hugely beneficial to shedding our egoic side of ourselves and leaning into our self-love, leaning into our self-love. In fact, if you're not familiar, I wrote a book called What the Heck is Self-Love Anyway? Again, there's a link in the description and also in the chat now, Jonathan recommends books. So that's my book. And it's a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. Journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. Because when we have a great relationship with ourselves, we are actually preparing ourselves for a great partner. Because what a great, a high value man wants is a high value woman. And what makes a person a high value? It means that you take your actions match your words, you take personal responsibility, your choices. You know how to fight there, meaning you listen to another person's point of view. It's not always about being right. It's about choosing to be happy. You have a level of empathy, meaning I not only feel your feelings, I care about your feelings. And lastly, transparency. Transparency means if it's material to the relationship, you're going to express what's coming up for you. That's just a few signs of emotional maturity. So I'm here to say that's how a high value man operates and he's seeking a woman who does the same. Now, a lot of you believe that you're all high value and men are low value. Well, that's a belief because I can tell you men who have think the same thing about women. They all think that they're high value and most women are low value. This is the problem that we're spending too much time judging each other instead of actually coming together at a heart centered place. And that's what my channel is all about. If you're not familiar with my podcast, I have a podcast called the What Would Love Do podcast. Check out the link below to the What Would Love Do podcast. All right, number three, what did I write down? Oh, this is one of the, by the way, these are all came from the guys in my jacuzzi or my place. So this was the conversation. And one of the guys said, and I really love that he brought this up. He said, I'm unafraid to be vulnerable with my partner. I'm unafraid to be vulnerable. What he's basically saying is he is open to being vulnerable with this partner. And I love that. A man who wants a deep connection with a woman actually is unafraid to be vulnerable. He's going to express maybe some insecurity, some fears, some doubts he may have, whether it's material to the relationship or not, it might be in his personal life. Now that's different than a man who's vomiting his problems, vomiting his problems, complaining of people who vomit their problems are usually just simply complaining. Complaining is not the same as being vulnerable. Let me repeat that. Complaining is not being the same as vulnerable. Vulnerable is meaning I'm going to share something that I'm afraid you're going to judge me for. But I'm going to say it anyways, because I know it's important, both for my sanity and maybe for yours as well. So men who want a deep connection are unafraid to be vulnerable. Is this sinking in? I hope it is. If it is, please hit that like button, okay? And please share this video while you're at it. Okay, the fourth thing, and then we're going to take questions. You know what, this is a pretty obvious one, but it's so true. Men who want a deep connection with a woman desire a woman passionately and sexually. We desire you from a romantic, passionate, sexual perspective, okay? We're unafraid to lean into passion, romance, and sexuality because, and I don't mean just, as I said this in previous live streams, I'm not talking about the men or just in it for the pump and dump. I'm talking about a men who want serious, deep, passionate connection with a woman. And this passion is also about intimacy. Intimacy means into me I see. It's like the vulnerability. It's like they want you to see part of them and they want to see a part of you. You know, I've heard men say, and I've experienced this as well. When I've been intimate with a woman, I genuinely care about. I mean, I really care about whether I love them, I'm in love them, I mean, deep care. I know that being intimate with them feels like I'm at home. It has this feeling of safety, this feeling of spirituality, this feeling of a connection that's indescribable. And men who want a deep connection with a woman are seeking that. And sometimes this is the reason why a lot of relationships don't go the distance because they're not feeling this energetic connection. And women experience this as well. This isn't singular to men or women. My conversation goes both ways. Ooh, that's kind of cool, goes both ways, okay? So a man who wants a deep connection with a woman also is gonna want to be romantic, passionate and sexual with this partner. And isn't that what we want when I say juicy, delicious relationship isn't? Well, aren't we talking about friendship on fire? Like to me, that's what it's all about is friendship on fire. Is this resonating? I hope it is, please hit that like button. I'd like to see those numbers pop up, okay? My vanity asks for that, my ego asks for that. All right, I think it's time for questions now. So I'm gonna scroll through the chat box. Really quickly, if you have a question, write the word question, then post it in the chat. You can get a super chat, you can get a super sticker. All the proceeds, I'm now building a foundation for my son, Connor, who passed away. So the proceeds of that are going to begin to help me with my foundation. So let's get into the Q and A. Catherine, hi, Celeste, hi, love of the life, love of, law of love, heart, hi, Doug, hey, Doug. Nicole, good to see you, Jane. All right, let's see. Over 50 people watching. Oh, thank you. All right, let's see if we have any questions. Doug says, only three likes and 88 watching. Yes, let's get those likes up. Okay, I've been, I've had the book, Five Long Languages, yet I have not been able to read it. Okay, Colain, the book, The Five Love Languages. Here's the deal, go, do me a favor, Google Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman. Gary Chapman has a website where you can actually literally get 80% of the content and learn what your love language is by doing a quiz. There's a quiz on it. I make all my clients do the quiz so I know what their love languages are. You can simply go to, I think it's either garychapman.com or just Google Five Love Languages, find the website, and you can actually find out everything without even reading the book, okay? So, Colain, I hope that helps. Question from Brenda. Guy I dated once says on text message, love ya. What should I take from this? So, I think whenever we say love ya, like one of my dear male friends, I say, you know, I say love you to him. I say, you know, not I'm in love with you, I don't even necessarily say I love you to my male friends. I do, but to my female friends, to my male friends, I might say love ya, okay? It's saying that I care. It's saying I care about you. That's what love you means to me, love ya. I care about you. Now, here's where the trappings come. A lot of you hear the words, I love you, and you think you're hearing, I'm in love with you. Because a lot of times people say, I love you, but what they mean is love ya. And love you simply means is, I care about you. That's what it means. I'm in love with you, I'm here. You matter, we're important. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. So what that means is I'm here. Means I'm present. I'm not thinking about the future. I'm not thinking about the past. I'm present, okay? Number two, you matter. That's saying, you matter, you matter. That actually is like putting you on equal footing with each other. It's not I'm here and you're here. You matter means we're on equal footing with each other. I don't treat you better than me. I don't treat you better than me and I don't treat you below me or the other way around. I think you get the point. We are important. So this is the love side, right? That's the we because a relationship is a separate entity. A relation, there's the you, there's a me and then there's a we, it's a separate entity. That's how grownups operate in relationship. And I highly recommend checking out the book how an adult, how to be an adult in relationships because the we is a separate entity. I'm here, you matter, we're important. I've got your back. That means, you know what? I'm here to support you. I've got your back. So few people in relationships can actually count on the other person they're with partially because a lot of people are in casual relationships, ridiculous long distance relationships that aren't going anywhere. People spend time in defunctory dysfunctional relationships thinking that the other person has their back and when they don't. So when I say I love you or I'm in love with you that's what I mean. I've got your back. My coffee mug says I swear a little. You'll feel better. Those who know me, I'll probably start swearing in a little bit. So that's my cup. I'm here, you matter, we're important. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere. That means I'm committed to the relationship. And lastly, I only want you. That's the definition of I'm in love with you. I don't want anyone else. I don't need to get sex elves where our relationship matters to me. And if there's a problem, I'm gonna talk about it because that's what emotionally mature people do. Is this sinking in? If it is, please hit that like button. All right, I hope I helped you with that one, Brenda. Thank you so much. All right, Colleen says, amen. Monica says, yes. Doug says, great message, Sean. And vulnerability takes courage. When a man feels a deep connection with a woman, they'll have the courage to be vulnerable. Yes, there's a book, where's my book? Okay, I'm a big, if you're not familiar with the work of Brene Brown. Brene Brown is so brilliant. Do yourself a favor. Google Brene Brown, right? Here's how you spell her name, Brene Brown, okay? B-R-E-N-E Brown. Google her plus vulnerability plus TED Talk. You've gotta watch this TED Talk. It's all, Doug, I'm glad you brought this up. Because she says, the most courageous thing we can do in our lives is to be vulnerable. That's true courage is to be vulnerable. And I love her book, Daring Greatly, Daring Greatly. By the way, this is a really great book to, look at how the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live lives, love, parent, and lead. Oh, God, I love this. Ladies, it's probably the most, most of these books are probably purchased by women more so than men, okay? But I will tell you, just like Doug, who's on right now, there are a lot of men who are leaning into personal development, self-help, and spiritual work in the relationship realm versus the professional realm. Tony Robbins is all about the, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, get your professional life going. He does some relationship work there, but he's all about mostly focusing on people's professional lives. I focus on people's emotional lives because when I wrote my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway, it's a vaccination to emotional chaos because the number one emotional health issue facing most everyone is, I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, I'm not likable. So it's better to get to the root of what's really going on inside of us to heal. And that's why I recommend so many of these great books. And I invite you to just invest 15 minutes a day reading one book and imagine in 365 days, you can crank out 10, 20 books in your life, well, maybe not that many, but a good one book a month that can change your life to bring you joy, happiness, peace and a juicy, delicious relationship. I want you to lean into that. Did you hear me say lean in? I'm not talking about leaning back into it. I'm talking about leaning into this stuff. If this is resonating, please hit that like button. Okay, Colleen says, wow, thank you. Got, okay. Hi, Nicole from California. Nicole says, I love your videos. I swear a little too much, there you go. Thank you. Okay, Candy, by the way, if you have a question, post the word question, then write the question. Also, if you want, purchase a super sticker, that's that little dollar sign or the little smiley. If you want it, then it gets bold and I get to see it. All right, Candy writes, hi, Jonathan. Have you ever been in a long distance relationship? I feel like I met someone through a dating app I might have a connection with. Yes, I've been in several long distance relationships and they haven't worked out. Now, distance was, okay, the reason why they didn't work out isn't the distance per se. The reason why it didn't work out is we couldn't build continuity. Let me repeat that, continuity. Proximity breeds continuity. So what is continuity? Continuity means a continuation of things. The reality is, is today to really build, remember I talked about in the beginning it takes a hundred hours of face-to-face time over a period of time. I call it my 10-date rule, okay? It takes roughly 10 separate meetings with someone, 10 separate meetings that last one or two hours and it builds up over time to build what's the continuity. Now continuity in the areas of social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends. So what happens with long distance relationships, a lot of times they're in a bubble. You get together, you have a great time together, you hang out together, you fuck your brains out and then you go back to your respective homes and then you're stuck with this. Texting and talking, texting and talking, texting and talking, texting and talking. Let me tell you this ladies, men do about this much bonding, this much bonding through text and talking, zero. Ladies, on the other hand, can bond almost instantaneously through incessant communication. Not all women, a lot of women can bond through incessant communication. And so what happens is it's kind of frequent, frequent, frequent and then it kinds to fades by the guy because we just fucking get, talking and texting is exhausting. We weren't meant as human beings as animals, we weren't meant to talk with our thumbs. Look at that, we weren't meant to talk with our thumbs, we were meant to talk with our mouths or maybe sign language, but that's how we were meant to talk. By the way, 80%, no, excuse me. Okay, I'm yelling. 90% of all communication is non-verbal. What that means is it's our hand gestures, it's our face gestures, it's our tone, it's our pheromones, all of these factors, hormones and pheromones and things like that are all part of communication. So when you're talking with someone with your thumbs, you're not getting most communication and in long distance relationships, you're stuck using these to build continuity and it's a challenge. So yes, I've been in them. The distance was a big factor in it because we couldn't build the roots to trust in enough time before the relationship imploded and typically I find people that are in long distance relationships oftentimes are desperate and they attach themselves to another human being, they become attached, desperate and they operate from a place of fear and not from a place of confidence. So I hope that helps. Oh, thank you, Kelly. That's very sweet for the super sticker. I really appreciate that. All right, oops, okay. Jennifer writes, Brené Brown changed my life. Yes, please check out her work. Okay, Gisela writes, hello, it's a good thing as a woman to say, I'm in love with you first, dating nine months. Are you asking if it's good that the woman does it first or the man does it first? So a lot of people ask this, by the way, if this is resonating hit that like button. So who is supposed to say I love you first, okay? Listen, it's bullshit, whether the man says it first or the woman says it first. I'm really, this is why I really want to encourage everyone to read the book. If the Buddha dated, if the Buddha dated, this teaches us how to develop a relationship from a spiritual perspective, not from, look at the book, The Rules was designed to do bullshit, reverse psychology, to pander to the ego, to pander to the ego. This book, and so we're gonna, I don't like this book, so we're gonna say it upside down from now on. This book teaches us how to connect at an emotional level, at the spiritual level, at a heart-centered-based level. Now, the hard part about this book is, 99, 97% of humans operate from this perspective. Ego, when you're operating from ego, yes, you can use reverse psychology to temporarily get into a relationship, but it's not gonna last. This is what's gonna make a relationship last. So my point, bringing back to the I love you, is it doesn't matter who says it first, what matters most is you mean it. And I am tired of fucking people saying the words I love you and treating one another like shit. And I'm guilty of this too, because unconscious people who operate from the ego, they throw out these words like pennies that you're gonna throw in the street. It doesn't have any value. This is why I'm such a big proponent of choosing better and ladies, if you need support on that. My whole coaching program, my private coaching program, teaches you how to vet for emotionally available men. Again, I teach you how to vet for emotionally available men because emotionally mature men are the men that are gonna go the distance. Emotionally mature men are the ones that want that deep connection with you. Men who just wanna get their dick wet will say whatever they need to say in the beginning to get you there, but you have to learn how to differentiate that and you don't know how, that's why I started my coaching program. So if you need some support on that, go into the description, check out the link to a free discovery call with me because that's my area of expertise. So thank you so much. Jennifer writes, Brene Brown did a great conversation with Russell Brand. I like listening to Russell Brand too. Nicole writes, I'm a recent widow. When do you think is a good time to start dating again? I think, I want you to think about this. When we're married to someone and we go through a divorce, it's an unraveling of the tapestry of our old life. I've got a hair that's popping up. When you're a widower and you deeply love each other, it's a divorce usually, the pain is going over a period of time. Losing a partner is a very traumatic event. Now it could be sudden or it could be over a period of time. My belief is it takes a good year and I recommend a year of truly working on oneself by oneself before you enter out into the dating realm, especially from a desperate place. In other words, a lot of times we feel this hole in our heart. So we do the Jerry McGuire, you complete me. So now you're incomplete because this hole in your heart is because someone else was living there. What that hole needs to be filled is with your own self-love. And that's my invitation, spend one year loving on yourself and then date like a fiend. By the way, I'm tempted to smoke a joint right now. I live in California, so I typically do edibles, but I feel like, should I do it online? That might not be appropriate. All right, I just see a joint right there. All right. Elda writes, I have an overnight trip with a guy I've been dating for 42 months. Is it 42 months? We both have fears of past hurts, but we both are so similar in ways. How can we let our guards down? If you've been dating for 42 months and your guards are still up, that's a problem. I think the guards, okay, so most humans, we operate with some fears, some guards up. By the time you get to the third month, that's the time to start. Look at, once you, okay, so I wanna say something to everybody and please listen to this. Please, please, please listen to this. Dating is a vetting process to decide if you want a relationship with someone. That takes roughly about 100 hours to go from dating to decide a relationship. These are ballpark numbers. It's a vetting process. A relationship is a vetting process to decide if you want to be in partnership with someone. I'm gonna repeat that. It's a vetting process to wanna decide if you wanna be in partner with someone. So I want you to, there's a new book I'm gonna introduce you to, but it's gonna illustrate a point. Okay, I want you to think of two business people, two men, two women, a man and a woman, two business people and they decide they're gonna be in partnership together. Maybe they're attorneys, maybe they're CPAs, maybe they, clothing line, what is it? Is there gonna be in partnership with one another? It's important that if you're gonna be in partnership with someone, that the worst thing to have is guards up, okay? Now, there's a different, there's an old saying my dad used to say, you can put your faith in Allah, but don't forget to tie up your horse, okay? Or camel, excuse me. My mother and father, my there's my mom and dad, they were from Istanbul, Turkey. I was born and raised here in the United States. So my dad would say, put your faith in Allah, don't forget to tie up your camel. The point being is, I don't believe in being vulnerable in the area of sharing secrets if it's something intimate, make sure trust is built. But there's a new book I wanna introduce you to. It's not a relationship book. It's actually a business book called The Partnership Charter, The Partnership Charter. I highly recommend checking out this book. This teaches people how to form a business partnership. The reality is, remember I said a relationship is a vetting process to decide if you wanna be in partnership with someone. And people do a lame job of vetting one another because they don't know what partnership means. This is why I recommend this book, Eight Dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman. This is the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. Add that partnership charter and you will know what a healthy relationship looks like because the guards are not helping your relationship. Facts, information, understanding is what will help you. When you understand the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship, you have a better chance of experiencing one. Is this sinking in as it is? Please hit that like button and I'm just gonna put the recommended books here again. All right, bear with me. Nicole, thank you so much. I appreciate that. If I answered your question, it resonates with you. Please don't be bashful, get a super sticker or a super chat. All right, if you have a question, post the word question and then post it so I know there's a question there. Diana writes, I love the name Diana, mainly Princess Diana, I'm so saddened about her. I would love it, Jonathan, to do a video or live Q&A about widowhood. I'm a widow dating a widower. This is a topic that's not highlighted enough. Okay, that's a great question. So, widowers, I'm pausing because it just brought me some angst because losing a mate, losing your mate, someone you deeply love, maybe to cancer, maybe to an accident can be horrifying. I mean, listen, everyone who knows me know I lost my son, Connor. The reason why I'm getting emotional right now is when we lose people we love, it's incredibly painful. And when two people are widowers, I mean, they're both sharing a really deep pain. Now, you could be a widower and hated your partner, but I'm gonna assume that there was deep love. And so, I'm even struggling answering this question because all I know is there is a hole in my heart from Connor being gone and I know that's what must exist for someone who's a widower. And it's not easy to navigate. I think the most important thing to be is vulnerable with one another. Intimacy, as I said earlier, into me you see. I think it's important that when two widowers get together is to recognize that they might still have deep love for their partner. I have deep love for Connor. That's never, ever, ever gonna go away. And that can be true for someone who's a widower. It doesn't mean we don't have a capacity. Our hearts are so fucking gigantic. We have a capacity of love in ways we can't even imagine. If we get out of our egoic self, I wished I didn't bring up the book. Well, there's a great book by Jeff Brown called Grounded Spirituality, Grounded Spirituality. I think it's in my Jonathan recommends books. Grounded Spirituality is really tapping into your spiritual self, your higher self, your divine self. And why I'm saying this, it's piggybacks on my book is that when we're connected with our love for ourselves, we can handle anything. And I truly believe that if it wasn't for the personal development, self-help and spiritual work before Connor passed away, I would have been a train wreck. And so I invite everyone to do the work so they can be better partners. So even if you don't find a romantic love in your life, you're still happy fulfilled because self-love is a vaccination to emotional chaos. And I hope, I didn't really answer your question. I just shared what I feel about that question. And I hope that resonated with you. Diana, thank you so much. Cheryl writes, my favorite food is Turkish. Oh, my mom was the best cook. Oh, I miss her cooking so much. She was such a great cook. She didn't give us recipes either. I miss her cooking. I'm, you know what? It's funny. She died at 88 years old. It was unexpected. It happened very quickly. I can't begin to tell you how much I miss those subtle little things like I could call mom and say, what's my blood type again? Or mom, what was the time I was born because I'm doing an astrological report on some woman I'm dating? Or mom, can you cook my favorite food? Turkish food is great food. So thanks for sharing that. All right. Do we have any questions? Please post, let me see. Thank you, Colleen, for what my father said. By the way, Cheryl, I met Diana, Princess Diana, if she's still alive, I'm a little bit shocked. Okay, do you have a, what happens if you're with a man? Okay, so AJ writes, when, I believe you meant what happens if you're with a man who shows love in other ways, except he doesn't verbalize it. Okay, this brings us back to the five love languages. Not everybody uses words. In fact, many men struggle using the words to verbalize themselves. We were, men were taught to suppress our feelings. Little boys were taught, not my kids, I really encourage them to express their feelings, but most boys were taught to stuff their feelings. So words aren't the way many men show love. They do it through actions, acts of service, physical touch, quality time, okay? Now, you can simply ask and you can lead by example, just be careful not to expect more, expect more than what someone's capable of, okay? So, and have discussions about it and talk about it, because you can grow, someone can learn your love language and actually lean into it. But again, these are people that are genuinely in love. People that love ya, want casual relationships, they don't want to please you. Remember what I said, the four ways a man shows, he wants a deep connection, he wants to make you happy. So if you express it in a loving way, what your needs are, you're gonna have a greater chance for success. This is why I highly recommend the book, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. It should have been called compassionate communication because when we express ourselves in ways that comes from the heart centered space, our partners have a greater chance of meeting that need. Now, in my book, What the Heck a Self Love, one of my chapters is called, If It's Sincere and From the Heart, you can never say the wrong thing to the right person. Ladies, I continually see so many of you afraid to express yourself to guys. Stop it, stop being afraid because it is through vulnerability, authenticity and transparency that we can build the deeper roots to trust. And I'm here to say, if you want, listen, if you want a mediocre relationship, then go watch those other coaches that are teaching, you know, basically patriarchal, I'm spitting. Patriarchal ways of approaching relationships. I believe in two lane streets, okay? I believe in a relationship as a two lane street. If you're seeking a patriarchal relationship, go listen to those other coaches. I'm not the guy to listen to. I'm here to express what I believe is a healthier way to approach relationships by being unafraid to lean into, so you don't need to lean back ever, to lean into your sovereignty, to lean into your self-worth, to lean into your self-reliance, to lean into your self-esteem, to lean into your self-confidence, and most of all, to lean into what? Your self-love. If this is resonating, please hit that like button right now. All right. I hope I answered your question, Nicole. I think it was Nicole there with me. Oh, AJ, excuse me. Colin writes, I think we need to remember that our love that has passed will always be part of our heart. We need to give ourselves permission to let our heart be open to love again. Yes, Colin, this goes back to the widower question. I believe we have a capacity to love gigantically. I believe we all have that capacity. Most people have a very, they have, their emotions are so repressed and stuffed. Let me repeat this. That's majority of humans have really, truly repressed emotions and are very stuffed. And this is part of the reason why they're unable to lean into intimacy, into me you see, vulnerability, authenticity and transparency. Sally Coffey, hey there. Okay, question. How do we get over our fear of being vulnerable? We're gonna talk about that in our coaching set. Okay, so how do we overcome our fear of being vulnerable? You know, anything that we, we have to look at it, this is outside of our comfort zone, right? What did they say? Success is just beyond your comfort zone. So one of the things is to make a commitment to be vulnerable. Just say, I'm going to be vulnerable. I'm unafraid to be vulnerable and recognize and be aware that we might feel vulnerable, okay? And just say, I'm gonna make attempts. And then you make attempts. You make attempts. You try a little bit of this. You try a little bit of that. You keep trying, you keep trying, you keep trying. Like imagine playing the piano. At first it's like, na na na na na na na na na na na na na na, right? I mean, your fingers are all over the place. But a piano instructor will say, do this, this, this, this in little bits. So it starts by making the attempt. Makes, starts by making the attempt. Maybe you might wanna start with a family member first before you do it with a romantic partner. I know, and by the way, by the way, if we can be vulnerable with family, we can be vulnerable with anyone because sometimes the hardest thing to be is genuinely vulnerable with family because family can be sometimes the hardest people to love. So maybe you might wanna start that realm. I hope I answer your question. Big hugs to you, Sally. Cheryl says, I'm so tired of living life alone but I only want the guy who's right for me. So Cheryl, what's, hold on. I'm gonna pull up something from my book. Bear with me. So chapter 20 in my book is called Love Being Alone. Love Being Alone. What I really mean is love being by yourself. Quite frankly, let me just tell you something. It fucking sucks feeling like you're alone. There's nothing worse than feeling like alone and many of us might live alone, live by ourselves and then we push this into I am alone, okay? Here's the problem. If you're hyper focused on I'm so tired of living alone then the universe is just gonna keep giving you more and more of what you don't want. So I'd like to invite you to change your narrative. I am happy and I'm single and I'm open for love. I'm happy, I'm single and I'm open for love. I'm happy, I'm single. Now if you're not happy then focus on becoming happy, okay? Single is just a label of just not being in relationship with someone but everybody hold on one second. This is on my front door. I should just keep this handy, okay? It scribbles but what it says is open and receptive to love, a relationship leading to partnership. You have a choice. This wolf says I'm so tired of living alone. I'm so tired of living alone. I'm so tired of living alone. I ain't living alone, I ain't living alone. It sucks, my life sucks. Or I'm open and receptive to love. I am open and receptive to love. I'm open and receptive to love. I'm open and receptive to love. Please tell me which one of those two sounds better? Can someone please tell me which one of those two sounds better? Because you can feed the wolf. I'm so tired of being alone. It sucks being alone. I ain't being alone. I'm open and receptive to love. That's my invitation for you. I hope that resonated with you, Cheryl. By the way, if any of this was resonating, please hit that like button. Okay, CC writes, loss causes trauma. I've been on the path of self healing for three years. Yes, loss does is a trauma. By the way, we often, so I often recommend, where's the book? Oh, fuck, I didn't pull it out. The book, oh, the Hoffman process, here it is. So the Hoffman process is understanding our childhood wounds and traumas. The reality is we also can have adult traumas in our lives. This is a healing of our childhood wounds and traumas, but we can also, many people have experienced deep emotional traumas. This is why I highly recommend reading the book I mentioned before. Grounded spiritual, here, I'll just pull it out. Everyone, hold on. This is a good book to really work on adult traumas. Grounded spirituality by Jeff Brown. I love this book. It is ninja level. This is ninja level spiritual work. This is ninja level, personal development, self-help work. If you're not ready for ninja level, start with my book and work your way up to it because this is advanced stuff. But if you wanna get out of the hole, this is what I recommend. Doug, right, yes, Diana, deep spouses, that's, okay. Oh, Elda writes, we've been dating only two months, sorry for the confusion. Oh, I thought it said 42 months, so two months. Now I don't even remember what I said before. Okay. Let's see, Diana writes, A.G., at first, I couldn't stand the thought of being with anyone else. I have been with my late husband for close to 30 years. When the right man came along, I felt right. So, going back to the loss, you know, it's interesting. Whether we lose a, okay. So when we lose a partner through death, it's a completely different experience than we, when someone breaks up with us, okay. So they're both losses, but one actually is something we can navigate. Actually, the loss through death is an actual easier to navigate than someone who broke up with us that we were deeply in love, because that feels like a betrayal. At least that, let me reframe that. It can feel like a betrayal. And that can be more emotionally devastating because we often then, we turn it inward and blame ourselves. We blame ourselves. Whereas death, there's no one but to blame, other than God or spirit or whoever, maybe there was someone who was involved with the process. But I'm here to say that betrayal can be the hardest thing to overcome. This is why I highly recommend the book, The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. And why I'm bringing it up at this point is because when we love ourselves so much, we don't feel betrayal. In fact, it's actually easier to navigate someone who's left us through a breakup versus those ones that have left us through the loss because those are really the harder ones to navigate. But in many cases, people put way more weight on the betrayal and the breakup and it can cause years and years of havoc. Whereas when there's loss through death, it's finite. The hardest thing is going through the stages of grief and then acceptance and because there's always, and there's always gonna be a hole there. But I just wanna, I only bring this up because many people make out a breakup to be so devastating. And let me just say this, the sky didn't fall when someone broke up with you and your worth didn't change because someone broke up with you unless you made it change. And that's what I want everyone to avoid. I hope this is sinking in. Please hit that like button if it's resonating with you. Okay, Jennifer writes, I've been meeting high quality guys since following Jonathan. Seriously, you changed my life. You should become a matchmaker for midlife men and women. You know, I'm following my passion, sharing my perspective. I was about to use the word expertise. I'm just here sharing a perspective. It's not right or wrong. It's just simply a perspective. It resonates with you or it doesn't. I'm just here to invite you to explore your person, to do the inner work for yourself and make better choices in your life. And that's what I try to lean into more frequently. I hope that's resonating with you. Hit the like button. If you have a question, post the word question and then write it out. Thank you so much, Jennifer. Oh, here we go. Someone says, great Stan. Hey, Stan the man. Great stuff. All right. Colleen writes, I'm going to myself. So right now, treating myself the way I wanna be treated in relationship. I'll be more ready for luck. Yes, treat yourself the way you wanna be treated. Tiffany writes, could you please list your book recommendations in the description when you announce them particular videos? Okay, right. Tiffany, right now in the chat and in the description, Jonathan recommends books. Question from Saratot, Saratot, whatever. How does one, I apologize. I'm terrible with pronouncing names. How does one support a self-aware partner with clinical depression who is trying to do the work of self-love development and is up and down emotionally at times and very loving? How does one support a self-aware partner with clinical depression who is trying to do the work of self-love and development is up and down? So how do we support someone? So I believe a relationship, like I said, is a two-lane street and there's gonna be some times where we actually have to be the tow truck driver and help our partner along. And there's gonna be other times when that happens. For example, one of you just got the flu. You're in bed. One person is going to be supporting the other person. So it's not always a two-lane street because there's gonna be times where we need support. Remember when I said, I love you is I'm here. You matter, I'm here. You matter, we're important. I've got your back. I've got your back means I'm gonna support you during this. Now, here's the dangerous thing. If the depression, and you said clinical depression. So listen, before Connor passed away, there was a period in my life where I went to bed wishing I didn't wake up for about, well, for a solid six months. I went to bed wishing I didn't wake up. I was clinically depressed. I was living at the beach at the time with an ocean view and I'd close the curtains. I would steal Vicodin from my mom and dad's cupboard. I would pop Vicodin and curl up in a ball going, I don't wanna wake up. I don't wanna wake up. I don't wanna wake up. I've been clinically depressed. And nobody could help me until I chose to help myself. And so I reached out to my mom and dad and to my father in particular said, dad, I'm going down the rabbit hole. And I'm afraid I may not come out and I need some love and support. And my friends and my family rally behind me. I had to make that choice. Nobody could do it for me. Now they helped me along the way. My mom and dad helped me along the way along with so many friends and loved ones. And now I do the same for others. But my point is someone has gonna have to, he has to do it for himself first. And hopefully he's doing that. And you can be a loving support person along the way. And the most important thing is to be vulnerable, authentic and transparent with one another and communicate, again, nonviolent communication. I hope that's sinking in. All right, Boo Boo, Boo Baker writes. Thank you for that question. My extra four and a half hours to my, oh wait. My extra four and a half hours to my city and state took pictures and post them on Facebook. Was this to get my attention currently in no contact? He chose to stop speaking to me. You know, people that are in their unhealthy egoic state can do ridiculous things like that. Was he trying to get your attention? Yes. Was it from a healthy place? No, it wasn't from a healthy place. It was from an unhealthy place if that's what he was trying to do. Now we don't know if that's what he was trying to do. He may have been doing that or he just might have been posting pictures. If he was trying to send a smoke signal to you, it's a very childish way of doing it. So here, bear with me. Where's that one sheet? Here's a little diagram. It says, child, adult, parent. When someone acts like a child, it requires the adult to move to the parent role. I'm gonna repeat that. The adult has to move to the parent role, okay? And oftentimes when people are acting like children, this requires you to go to parent role and nobody fucking wants to be a parent in relationship. It is the most unhealthiest place to be, okay? Now I don't mean nurturing, like if someone's sick and you're nurturing, because that's too adult-operating, okay? I'm talking about their behavior as child-like. It requires you to go to a parent. What I'm talking about is the healthy relationships. Remember I said this book? How to be an adult in relationship. And so he's not acting like an adult. If that was his reasoning, he's acting like a child, in my opinion. Is this sinking in if it is? Please hit that like button. All right. Ellen writes, I'm in process of reading Untethered Soul. Way to go. G-sella, gil-sia. Dating nine months, building a deep relationship, recommend me a book for my boyfriend for the birthday next month. I think what you're asking me is to recommend a book. Do me a favor, I just posted a link to Jonathan Recommend Books. Any book in my bookshelf is the one I recommend. Of course I recommend Mine First, what the heck is self love anyway, but if I had to recommend the best book on the planet, it's The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. Oh, here's some instructions. Only read one chapter a day. Do not read more than one chapter a day. This is not like some Game of Thrones or a John Grisham book or anything like that. This is meant to be read very, very slowly. Let it sink in. This is a game changer. This is the biggest game changer. This book, everyone who buys this book, I promise you, you'll be writing me saying, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Read this book, change your life or listen to the audio version. Oh, by the way, in grounded spirituality, I have the book and the audio version. It's actually great to listen to both. By the way, for those, I'm in the process of, my book is in the process of being recorded and it's gonna be on Audible's hopefully or roughly around mid-April. Okay, AJ writes, I love your videos, thank you. Thank you so much. Colleen, I have been feeling much better moving forward since I've been watching you. Thank you so much. Lori writes, 22 years of marriage, two children, emotional, physical, and financial infidelity. It sure felt like the sky fell. We'll check out the untethered soul to see if it helps. So, betrayal absolutely feels like the sky is falling. Okay, but here's the reality is, you're breathing, you can go to the grocery store and buy food, you can spend time with your friends. Your life didn't, it may feel like the sky is falling, but there's a difference between the sky is falling and it feels like the sky is falling. And what's interesting is we put more weight to that belief that it's falling versus the actual falling. I'll never forget as I was going through my divorce. So, I don't, my best friend said something to me because I felt like the sky was falling at the time my ex-wife, we were having a contentious divorce. It was just very contentious. It felt like the sky was falling. And he just said, and I was like in fear the whole time and he goes, are you breathing right now? Yeah, is there a roof over your head? Yeah, is there food in your refrigerator? Yeah, what he was telling me at that moment is what Eckhart Tolle talks about is called the power of now, the power of now. And the power of now is being present to what's happening right now. So all of us, we are engaged in this. If you're listening to me, most likely you're not thinking about the future, you're not thinking about the past, you're right here, you're present for the most part. It's as close to being present as you can possibly feel. So learning how to be present is one of the most important things ever to do in your life. So Eckhart Tolle's work is all about learning how to be present. And the sad part is when we focus on the betrayal as if someone did harm to us and we turn into, then we can actually lean into the worst thing of all is victim consciousness. And victim consciousness is a demonstration of a lack of emotional maturity because emotionally mature, high value people don't act like victims, okay? So my invitation for you is to do a deep dive into loving yourself because it doesn't matter what he did, what matters most is how you operate in your life and how you're gonna operate going forward. And that's my invitation for you. If this is resonating, please hit that like button. Thank you, Lori, for your question. That was very brave of you to say. Thank you so much. And the untethered soul will make a difference. Colleen writes, you're an inspiration, Jonathan. Oh, thank you. Cheryl writes, communicate is key, clarity. Here's the thing about, and by the way, I agree. The problem is most humans do a fucking terrible job at communicating. So everybody, there's this, anyone who has showtime, if you have showtime, go to your DVR and click on demand. There's a series called Couples Therapy, and in this, it's genuine therapy sessions with hidden cameras. So it's not some stupid reality show where the Kardashians are blabbing about how wonderful they are and they make gazillion dollars on people's superficiality. It's my opinion, anyway. Couples Therapy is real. Why I'm sharing this with you is that the women in the group have just as terrible time communicating to the men as the men do. The therapist's job is to take what one person says and what the other person says and clean it up so they can make sense to one another. Most humans do a terrible job of expressing themselves, which we call communication. This is why I talk about vulnerability, authenticity, transparency, which is all about speaking your truth, doing it with kindness. That's why most humans think they communicate with one another, but true communication is the message sent is the message received. The message sent, all of my mouth, is the message received. And a lot of times the message sent goes over here and what's received is, oh, this is what's received. La, la, la, la, la. By the way, from what television show did I just emulate? By the way, I forgot to do movie trivia today. I wondered if I had my cards there. So what TV show did this? La, la, la, la, la, la. Those who are baby boomers or Gen Xers will probably know that. Okay, yes, someone says slow. So I hope I answered, Cheryl, that's my point is the message sent is the message received. Most people are bad at communicating. I'm not saying you or anyone else here is, I'm just saying most people are. Sarah T writes, watching you in a group and friends, love your advice and insight, thank you. We're reading non-violent communication, great. Okay, Cheryl writes, or question, Sharon. Do those dating sites really work? I'm open to love, but I sense when a dating site, it's a smorgasbord for guys catch and release, dating seems to be more fun than relating. Okay, now we're gonna talk about dating sites. So dating sites here, Bumble, The League, Tinder. Let's see what kind of action do I have today on The League? These are all portals, okay? These are portals, okay? A portal is, or maybe a better way of putting it, it's a spoke in the wheel. These are just portals or opportunities to meet people. You're gonna meet a variety of people. There are catfishers, there are emotionally unavailable people, there are commitment phobic people, there are people who genuinely wanna be a relationship, there are narcissists, there are sociopaths, there are people with clinical depression. There is all variety of human beings because life is a smorgasbord of human beings. There's this belief that it's all benefit guys so they can get laid. Well, maybe because you women are having sex without real commitment with someone. So it really, what's most important is how you show up. Don't worry about how someone else shows up, focus on how you show up. Listen, right now roughly 50% of all first dates, probably more like 70 or 80% of all first dates are happening through an online connection and roughly 50% of all new relationships are happening through an online connection. That's anecdotal, I think it's pretty accurate. I don't care what they say it's 20%. It's closer, for those of us in midlife, it's closer to 50%. Why am I bringing this up? Look it, we can complain about it having problems or we can focus on the good. My invitation, remember I said before, you can focus on what's wrong or focus on what's right. Hey, a lot of people have met, fell in love and live juicy, delicious relationships with one another. I have been to four weddings in the last four years from people that have met online. So you can take it for what it's worth. I hope Sharon I answered your question. Yes, it was Charlie Brown, the peanuts. Womp, womp, womp, womp, womp. Okay, Shannon writes, what about soul connections from past lives? I'm aware of such a thing with certain men I met. It makes me want to ignore blockages because I can see the deeper agenda in the relationship. Well, you know what, it sounds like you have a handle on it. So if you have a good handle on it, my feeling is, you know what, everybody's on their own individual journey, some people believe in past lives, some people don't, some believe in astrology, some don't, some believe in patriarchal relationships. The man is above and the woman is a subservient. Everybody has a different belief. What's most important is your belief and what you want. So my invitation for you, if you can decipher people relatively easily through your experiences, great. And if you need some support, hire me because that's my job. And anyone who wants a discovery call with me, go to the description and hit the link to a free discovery call to see if working with a coach is right for you. Well, I typically do these for an hour, but it's a little bit past an hour. So I'm gonna take one or two more questions. Jennifer writes, I'm on dating sites. You have to see red flags on someone's profile. When someone shows you who they are, at first you must believe them. Okay, to me, red flags simply means ask better questions, ask better questions. So I'm gonna do a, I'll do a video on red flags. In fact, because then I can take and write some notes on that. I'll do a video on red flags. Okay, Doug writes, dating apps. I call them meeting apps. It provides an avenue to meet people outside your normal circle. Then good old fashioned relationship takes over. Doug, thumbs up, thumbs up, thumbs up, thumbs up. He just said it perfectly. Yes, they're not dating sites or dating apps. They're meeting apps. If we take out the word dating, by the way, I'm doing a video on who pays for dates. So it's coming up in a, not the weekend, but the following weekend that addresses this. But yes, Doug nailed it on the head. These are meeting apps. They're not dating apps. Dating happens after the first meeting. All right, you know what? Okay, what dating app would you recommend? So Nicole writes. So I actually, of all the ones I like, Bumble. Now let me tell you why. Match.com is a great site for using for my laptop, but for an app, I like Bumble. And let me tell you why. Bumble requires women to make the first move. Now, throughout history, women have most of the time made the first move. It used to be called dropping the hanky, dropping the hanky. When a woman drops the hanky, it gives us guys, it gives us that confidence to move forward. So what I love about that app, more so than anyone else, is that when women drop the hanky, make the first move, we then feel more confident to move forward. Because men can send message after message and it go nowhere. So when we know you already are interested, it actually benefits us. So that's just my perspective on it. And I've heard this over and over and over from thousands of men who feel the same way. All right. Mmm. Everyone, from the bottom of my heart, I wanna thank you so much. Those who bought Super Stickers, those who've said so many kind compliments. I truly appreciate that. Again, I love all the support you give me regarding my son Connor. I bring him up most often because I see him in the picture right there. It's one of my all-time favorite pictures of him. He was an adventurer and he just grabbed a rope and tied himself to the wall and kept climbing himself up all the time. And I appreciate all the love and support on him. Everyone, I'm a dating and relationship coach. My website is johnathanasley.com. I do private coaching. I have a group called Midlife Love Mastery. Check out the link below to my group. It's a great group to connect with me on a regular basis. I have a podcast called The What Would Love Do podcast where we explore life love and the pursuit of inner peace. And I have my Jonathan recommends books along with my books. I wanna thank you so much for allowing me to enter your life today. I hope I've made a difference. If I have, please share this video with others. Please like it. Please tell your friends because my mission in life is to encourage people to look at the process different from the bullshit egoic way most dating advice is given. It's all based on ego. And I wanna focus. And by the way, there's a reason why it's mostly based on ego because most human beings are unconscious. They are mostly self-centered. And I wanna shift that narrative into more a loving, compassionate, kind way of approaching the process. And while I do curse on occasion and I do recommend a lot of books, my invitation, I'm gonna go smoke a joint now. My invitation is for you all to do a deep dive into loving yourself. And I hope by loving yourself, it's you actually attract a great partner in your life because the best, the most important relationships in your life is with yourself and the quality of your relationships dictates the quality of your life. And I hope everyone has a quality life and ends up in a juicy, delicious relationship. So this is my time to sign off. I wanna thank you so much. First off, I'm gonna give myself a big, gigantic Jotland Bear hug of self-love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone or a pet or a teddy bear or a pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and we can all use more love in our lives. I'm gonna say goodbye to everyone. Thank you, Anna. Thank you, Nicole. Anna Nicole, how funny. Thank you, Colleen. Thank you. I'm sorry I didn't get to your question, Luann. Thank you, Jennifer. Thank you, CeCe. Thank you, Evelyn. Thank you, Kelly. Thank you. Thank you all, Sherry Ann. Thank you all. I'm wishing you a wonderful evening. Bye-bye.