 Nostalgia! Disney's up to their old tricks again, remaking their classic animated films into live action abortions. It's Pinocchio! This time we have Tom Hanks's Geppetto. Joseph Gordon Levitt as Jiminy Cricket. And that lovable little boy, that's not a little weird, Pinocchio, I'm a real boy! And a piece of shit. Let's talk about it. Disney Plus in their infinite wisdom decided to come out with a new Pinocchio on the same day they released Thor, Love and Thunder on their platform Disney Plus. Genius plan. But the question that popped into my mind multiple times was why did you remake Pinocchio? Clogs on the table, I'm gonna be honest with you, I'm not a big fan of Pinocchio. Any version of it. Although Del Toro has an animated one coming out, so that could maybe change things for me. This is essentially a recreation of the animated one because that's what Disney's doing. Now, if you happen to like the remake of Lion King, Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella, et cetera, then you probably have bad taste and you will enjoy this. But if you're like me and you're a bitter, cynical, hate-filled person, then you're not even gonna give Pinocchio the time of day. But I did because I review movies on this channel and I give you my honest thoughts, so make sure to subscribe. I watched this movie with my wife for 15 minutes and then she said I'm out and left the room. My children, MIA, had no interest. I mean, they were at school, but they had no interest anyways. How in the wooden fuck did Robert Zemeckis get attached to this movie? He wrote and directed. This man brought us back to the future. One of the greatest trilogy's of all time. Now he's resorted to this? Doing a film about that no strings on me drunk shit? No! No! I don't know how many times they're gonna use this creepy ass real CG, but it's not working. It's never worked. Stop doing it. The voice actors are trying to bring life to these CG abominations, but the animators are handcuffed. They can't do the wild expressions that are needed to convey messages. So instead you just have a seagull or a cricket and they're just kind of stone faced while the actor's like, hey, let's go on an adventure. And the eyes are kind of like barely going up and down. Things are like jerking around, but it's not the same as with freehand animation where you can have fun with it. Tom Hanks is in this at gunpoint. He doesn't seem to wanna be there. He's not happy about it. Acting's terrible. This is Tom Hanks, the guy's a treasure, he's a legend. He can act circles around pretty much anyone and he doesn't even know how to do the voice in this film. It's wildly inconsistent. At some points he's in Catch Me If You Can, other points he's recreating his moment from Castaway. I don't know who this guy's supposed to be. He's not Chippeto. So we have lifeless animation, we have actors that don't seem to give two shits about the project, and of course Easter eggs. That aren't actually Easter eggs. You know what an example of one is? Everybody knows it at this point. Still fun to point out. In Frozen, you can see Flynn, Ryder, and Rapunzel attending whatever ceremony's going on. Isn't that cute? Isn't that fun? It's like super quick. Blinking you'll miss it stuff. In Pinocchio, Chippeto is obsessed with his clocks, his creations. Of course he is. They're Disney properties. There are so many obnoxious shots of different references to shows and movies from over the years. It's not an Easter egg. It's directly in your face. It's just an egg. And I don't want a boring ass egg. It's gotta be colored or spotted or striped and handed to me by some magical bunny. Remember that fucked up scene in the original where the kids all get drunk off their ass and then they're shipped off to Epstein's Island after being turned into donkeys of course? That's in this too, but they get a sugar rush. They're just drinking root beer and going down a candy mountain and just really hanging out at Neverland Ranch until eventually they do in fact turn into CGI abominations. I did fall asleep during this film about 35 minutes in. Unfortunately I did wake up and not just die right there on the couch. The last 20 minutes with the whale octopus thing, I don't know what that's supposed to be. It's got like tentacles, tendrils, going off the side of it. That's not a normal whale. That stuff's better because it's so bad. Like it's at least fun bad and not just miserable boring crap that was previously just terrible green screen. Tom Hanks again, he's got like three guns pointed at him. He's like, whoa, I'm on this little part of a boat that for some reason hasn't broken and fallen into the water. This is so dumb. I hope I'm getting paid for this one. What do I owe Disney? What do I owe anyone at this point in my career? You see stupid little Pinocchio running towards him on the water and he's like, well of course he can run on water. He's made of wood. What? What the fuck, how does that add up? He can run on water because he's made of wood. If I put wood shoes on and jump into the water, I'm not gonna stand up. If you're a fan of the music from the original, it's back, it's worse. It's in there though. So you have that to look forward to. I don't know what else there is to say. Disney's been killing it. As in our childhood, constantly the last decade or so, I can't wait to see what they do next. I think I rant it enough. I wanna hear from you though. Did you see this film? Why did you watch this movie? Are you also on YouTube making reviews for small amounts of views and pennies on the dollar hoping to someday break into the industry? If not, you owe it to yourself to skip this movie and ask why, Robert Zemeckis, why torture yourself with this material. You can do so much better. You have done so much better. Leave a comment. Let me know either way. Like the video if you had a good time. Please subscribe. Love to have you. I'm basically begging at this point. Please subscribe. And hopefully I'll catch you next time. You know how I know Disney doesn't give a shit about these live action remakes? If you go to their theme parks, it's not like they update those to reflect the more modern take on them. There's still the classic cartoons, the iconic shit that we remember from our childhood. Anyway, since you're still here, maybe think about joining me on Twitch at twitch.tv slash adamdosmovies or on TikTok. You get a little different variety there. On TikTok, it's mostly my poster breakdowns. And with Twitch, not only am I playing games poorly, but I also once a week live edit and film there. So I get to chat with you guys, sometimes incorporating ideas into the episode. It's a fun time. If you really like what I'm doing, maybe join me on Patreon at patreon.com slash adamdosmovies or right here be that YouTube join button. You get access to exclusive shows and you're just helping me grow. And one day, hopefully I'll become a real boy.