 This is part of that toxic culture. If a woman is calm and she communicates well and she's receptive to you and things like that, it's almost interpreted like, oh, she don't really like me like that or I haven't dicked her down properly, but if I'm the Casanova that I think I am, she should be key in my car and she should be going boom. So some men some consciously seek out crazy ass women. Girl, tell me how you really feel. I want to keep it real with you. I want to live better, eat better. I want to love better, sleep better. Yeah. I want to feel so aligned. I do actually have a podcast I like to listen to called Abba and Preach. Oh yeah, I like them. Shout out to Abba and Preach. Yeah, I love them. They are very interesting and I like that they are okay with saying whatever they feel and things like that. And I do agree with a lot of things that they say, partially because I have two brothers who think almost exactly the same way that they do. So I kind of grew up that way. Plus I'm not biased. So even though I'm a female, I'm not biased female. So let me ask you this. I think it's a good place to start. What are some things, a thing or some things that you're unclear about when it comes to men? And maybe I can help shed some light. So you're going to interview me and then we'll flip it. OK, so I'm going to do a little thinking emoji real quick. Something I'm unclear of. Yeah, like why do men do this or think like this? I mean, I think I know, but I'm going to ask anyway just because, you know, I'm asking you this time. So why is it that men tend to gravitate towards women with drama? I'm going to give you an answer that I don't know if you've heard before, but it's something I came up with recently. Unfortunately, we have created a very toxic culture. And one aspect of that toxicity is it has glamorized dysfunction, right? So it's created this idea that thugs and street niggas got the best dick and crazy women have the best pussy, right? And if you fuck a woman the right way, she'll be crazy over you. So some men actually seek out crazy women to validate themselves. I like that answer that answers a lot. OK, I've heard most of it. Exactly, because like if a woman and this is part of that toxic culture, if a woman is calm and she communicates well and she's receptive to you and things like that, it's almost interpreted like she don't really like me like that. Or I haven't dicked her down properly. But if I'm the Casanova that I think I am, she should be keying my car and she should be going boom. So some men subconsciously seek out crazy ass women. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I know a few. Yeah, I'm not a crazy woman. That's one reason why I had to ask that. Like I am actually pretty calm. I can get crazy if need be, but not crazy like that. You know, I will communicate properly. I have no problems saying what I feel at all because I feel like if I don't say it, then I'm going to regret not saying it later. But my reputation means a lot to me. So I'm not going to be the kind of woman that's going to key a car or do something absolutely crazy just to make him feel like that. He's got me wrapped around his finger like that. That's not me. Yeah. So I had to ask that question specifically because I've had a lot of experience with guys who are, let me go to her, you know, and I'm like, OK. Yeah. And, you know, and it's counterintuitive, but like crazy people are easier to manipulate because you can just play them on their emotions and shit. And some men, whether they're conscious of that or not, they, they, they leverage that and they use it. And again, it validates some aspect of their masculinity or their perceived masculinity. But I've heard a lot of women who are, say that some guys have actually complained to them that, you know, you're not crazy enough or you're not excited enough. What's your experience with that? I've actually had a guy tell me that he needs me to be a little bit more emotional. And I was like, I've never heard that before. I'm a very emotional person. But he's saying, he was saying to the point of, I need you to tell me and show me when you're mad at me, you know, and don't hold back. And I was like, why? Why do you want me to blow up in front of you like that? I don't want to. When I get really mad, I walk away. Like I have to calm down before I do something I'm going to regret. So I don't want to regret doing anything, you know, especially if I actually do care about that person and want them in my life past, you know, past the term of being upset. I just need to cool off. Let me go reassess myself. Make sure that I'm the reason why I'm mad is actually a legitimate reason to be mad. Yeah, come back and let's talk about this. So I'm just not into the whole dramatic, you know, let's be stupid together in a relationship, not in that way. There are some ways, though, just not like that. So yeah. So I mean, what did you suspect it was an ego thing for guys who wanted that pseudo emotional, overly, you know, crazy woman? Did you feel like it was an ego thing? I thought it was that and also the whole sexual part. Like if she's crazy outside of sex, she's probably crazy during sex, you know? I mean, in my opinion, that's not necessarily the case. If you do it right, the woman will be, you know, calm outward and like not in the bedroom and then in the bedroom, she could be crazy and, you know, all that stuff. So but if you're not going to take the time to get to know who I am internally, I'm not going to want to open up as much in the bedrooms I want to, you know? So and I could be crazy, you know, I could be crazy, but I don't want to be crazy if it's not warranted. I mean, and, you know, what pisses me off about this whole situation, you know, because I would be considered pro black, right? Right. Is that when you look at a lot of our fetishes and even the vocabulary that we used to talk about sex, a lot of it is violent, right? I'm going to beat the pussy up and knock it out and all that shit. And it's like it comes from a place. And a lot of times we haven't really investigated where it comes from. But like, why do you feel like it is such a glamorized image of like violence being married with sex? And that is the ideal. Unfortunately, being black, we have a lot of violence in our culture. So almost everything is violent. And that, of course, stems from slavery. Yeah, I believe that it comes from that. And it started from the white man creating violence in our lives. And that therefore we kept taking in that violence into every part of our, you know, culture. And now we're just stuck that way. I mean, I'm not saying completely stuck that way, but that's how it is now. You know, right. It's programmed in our mind that violence is the way to go. That's why it's always about shooting and killing. And, you know, like you said, beating the pussy like and women say, I'm going to beat that dick up, you know, there's a lot there and I'm not a violent person. If I don't have to be, I like to be really chill about stuff. I like to laugh, like to have fun. You know, I like the bright side of things. Rainbows, probably dogs, not really, but, you know, I like it less deadly than it has to be. I mean, there's so much stuff going on in this world these days. Like, why do we need to add more to it? Like, can we just can we just get along? We all just get along. So, I mean, so in your experience, right? Because you're a black woman, right? How do you feel like the history that informs us has affected how we interact with each other, specifically black men and black women? How we interact with each other these days, 2022? I think what we're all proud of of our environment, right? So, unfortunately, my mom was single mom. Right. So, she's experienced things from what happened with the exes, you know, how they came and approached her. She was actually a very nice person and let them walk all over her. Reason being is because my family, her parents were married, but then they got divorced. There was some things that happened there. I'm not going to go into that. But, you know, she felt like she had to be a certain way in order for a man to love her, right? And that was being more submissive and being like, if he's doing this, I'm not going to actually say anything about it because I love him kind of thing, you know, but her now totally different. Just because of the fact she's grown up, she's realized that that's not how it should be and she's OK with vocalizing how she feels about things. And myself, I actually am OK with vocalizing things. And that's just because I've seen things I never liked. So I never wanted to grow up that way or even bring children in, you know, to this world and them see me be a certain way. So I think that a lot of times women, especially black women, they feel like they have to be aggressive towards a black man because black men show that they are aggressive as well. And then if they're not, they can go to someone else, you know? So it's kind of like, I'm going to keep you here. I have that control type thing. I really think a lot of it is based off of control and product of your environment. So you brought up something I think is interesting, because I think a lot of times we talk about, especially amongst women, we'll talk about the trauma that was experienced by either a father that wasn't there or a father who wasn't a good one. Right. But we very seldom talk about the mother. Right. And the mother wound, the mother trauma and how that affects who we become as men and as women. So as a woman, and you mentioned your mom earlier, how do you feel like who your mom was or wasn't affected you? Oof, mom, I love you. Mom, I love you. I do. We have a great relationship now, but it was not like that at all in the beginning. I'm the first. I'm the only female, like the only girl she's ever had. And she had me young. She was 19. Now her she grew up with two sisters. Her mom left when she was younger, so she was raised by her dad. She didn't really know how to be a mom. So therefore she created more of a distance. And it was I was very much neglected as a kid. She told me herself she didn't like me when I was a kid. So that created a lot of issues in me, you know, I created like I made me feel like I couldn't actually have a stable relationship with someone because of that, whether it be friends or romantic that carried on into my adulthood. I'm actually still dealing with that now, but not as bad. And she basically would just be kind of, no, I don't want to do with this. You know, like if I come if I came to her dismissive, yes, very dismissive. If I was like, mom, I just really want you to give me a hug and she would not do it at all. That's because she wasn't she didn't grow up that way either. So she didn't know how to give what she never thought. So now as an older person, she's in her fifties now. She is more loving and she does act. She gives me hugs and she tells me, oh, Chris, I love you so much. I'm so grateful to have you as my daughter. I don't know how I got blessed, you know, to have you and all that kind of stuff. But it took literally me to tell her I don't want anything to do with you anymore for her to realize how much that hurt me. Yeah, I'll never get that conversation. And I was 26 a few years ago, but I have to tell her, look, I can't do this anymore. You may you may be my mom, but you're treating me like shit, and I don't deserve this. And she called me crying and apologizing. Ever since then, we have been working on our relationship. So absent mom, even even though she could have, you know, she was there physically, she wasn't always there emotionally. And I also didn't have my dad in my life either because he honestly didn't even know I was I was existing. So he didn't know until I was 16, almost 17. And then, you know, we started to have a relationship. So I basically grew up with lack of parents in general. Why do you think we and when I say we, I mean, the black community in particular, why do you think we overemphasize the trauma that dads cause and under emphasize the trauma that moms cause because moms are there mostly. That's usually are literally physically absent. So that's why they always say something like, my dad did this, my dad, you know, he wasn't there. That's the whole thing. But they don't necessarily think about the parent who was there and how they were raised based off of that. Because I mean, but parents are human. They're not going to be perfect, you know, but they can at least strive to be as much as possible. So you think we give mom so much grace because at least she was there. She was a shitty mom, but she was there. She was there. How do you think these shitty moms? Because I want to shine a light on shitty moms because I believe and I talk about this sometimes. I think a bad father could ruin a family. I think a bad mother could ruin a generation, right? And I think we downplay that. So how do you think these shitty moms are affecting black boys? Black boys. OK. I think that, well, honestly, I don't think it's just boys, though. I think it's both. I think it's that the guys are trying to find women that are like their moms, whether they realize it or not, and their moms could be shitty, you know, so then they find a shitty baby mom, which creates another, you know, another generation, as you were saying, creates another generation to have more shitty experiences. Another product of your environment type situation. I mean, so many people say, my mom did this, my mom did that, or you sound just like my mom. I want someone like my mom, you know, how was your mom? Was she always there or when she could be? Because she, you know, help you out. Was she telling you it's OK to be emotional at times or not suck it up all the time and don't crack as you're, you know, your man, because women do that too, not just, not just men. I've seen it. You know, it's OK to be aware of your emotional being, like your emotional stability. I'm trying to say it's OK to be emotional, but not necessarily dwell in that emotion all the time. You need to get it out. And being a black man, a lot of times I've seen a lot of black men who are not aware of how to deal with that because they've been told by many people, women, too, don't cry. Don't show your emotions. Your man, suck it up. You got to be tough. But then a tough person is a person who can deal with their emotions and get over it, right? So that's I that's a way that I think that a lot of women also moms, you know, when women are moms, a lot of them can make a man or a boy actually grow up and to be a man that's not necessarily a healthy man. One of the things that I see happen and happening, too, is like. A lot of men have this. Unhealthy idea of black women, a lot of black men have a lot of an unhealthy idea of black women because of their mom, right? And we very rarely talk about that. Like it's just, oh, Tyrone don't like black women, but we never actually investigate the fact that the paradigm that was set for him by his mom was one of all the all the things the belligerence and the argumentative and the bad listener in the whole nine. So two part question, do you feel like we give black men enough grace and how can we do better at acknowledging some of the wounds? Because we talk about that. Oh, your dad wasn't around, but we don't talk about the mom wound. How do you think we can better pay homage to the mom room that a lot of black men are dealing with? So the ones that say I don't date black women, I always ask them why, you know, if it's because, oh, she's most black women to me are ratchet, you know, like, so why do you think that most black women are ratchet? Did you have a black mom that was ratchet? And then she brought in, you know, ratchet friends. Was that your experience with that? Or have you ever met a black woman who's actually educated and holds her own really well and does not look into, you know, wanting to get somebody's attention because it's a negative type of attention. You know, like, what are your reasons? Is it more feature wise or is it more, you know, emotional? What's what's the situation there? You know, so I like to dig deep into somebody's reasoning behind that because I actually have heard a few people say I don't date black women and that's fine. I used to say I don't date black men, right? And I have my reasons behind that. And what was your second part again? I can't remember. How can we do better? How can we do better? Yeah. I think as a black woman, we could do better by showing different sides of ourselves. There's not just one side. You know, I mean, I did not grow up in the ghetto. I have lived in some ghettos, but I didn't grow up there. I've grown up all over different types of things, suburban or in the country. You know, I'm a very country girl, city life, things like that. So I've actually taken upon different parts of those specific cultures and, you know, experiences that I've had that make me, you know, I think there are so many different parts of a person that you don't have to actually sit there and just be one. So can we show them that we can be more than just ratchet or more than just mad black woman, you know, more than nagging and try to at least show appreciation at the same time. So I have a little story. I actually have a black guy friend and I showed him some appreciation just by literally taking him out on his birthday just because, no, who does that? You know, like really not really a woman will go and just do that for a man in general. I was like, let's just go. Let's go get some drinks to go to a nice place. He was so shocked. He was like, this never happens to me. That's sad to say. Who are you? And I was like, but you deserve to be appreciated to show that you're appreciated, you know, and it's nothing else there. We were literally just platonic friends. That's it. And we had a wonderful night, just drinks, conversation, playing pool. That was it. And to this day, he is like so happy about this. He was like, you're one of my favorite people. I really love that you did that. Nobody does that to me. You know, I didn't want sex. I didn't want nothing. I just literally wanted to just be a friend. So I think we should start doing stuff like that and showing men, especially black men, we appreciate, you know, we appreciate you guys. It's not all about what you can give me. It's about, hey, I want to show you, I actually enjoy your company.