 W-E-A-F, New York, 8.30 p.m. B-U-L-O-V-A, Boulevard Watchtime, Boulevard, masterpiece of fine watchmaking. Pack of Avalon cigarettes, please. Yes, sir. Just a moment, sir. Don't forget your change. You'd never guess, but Avalons cost you less. So why not always Avalon? Well, King, saying, welcome to Avalon Time, featuring radio's red-headed ragamuffin, Richard Redscouton, with Dick Todd, Edna Stillwell, Bud Hercules-Vandover, the Avalon chorus, and Bob Strongly's orchestra, opening the program with it's a hundred to one. Needlessly spend three to five cents extra on every pack of cigarettes you buy. Switch to Avalons and save yourself that money. Avalons cost three to five cents less per pack than other popular price brands. And make no mistake about it, friends, that repeated saving adds up to ten or fifteen dollars before you realize it. But bear this in mind, without knowing the price, you'd never guess Avalons cost you less. They're union-made and guaranteed highest quality. Surely a cigarette that offers such distinct advantages is worth a trial. So the next time, try Avalons and save the difference. And now, ladies and gentlemen, with only nineteen days to Christmas, I give you that little man with the jokes who's going to do his Christmas flopping early. It's Red Skelton. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. They had a nice way to introduce me. Where's your Christmas spirit, Del? Don't you believe in Santa Claus? Say, Red, do you get paid for being on this program? Certainly. I believe in Santa Claus. Yeah. Now that's a nice way to talk after me spending the whole day trying to find your Christmas present. Oh, you've been doing your Christmas shopping already? I'll say, and boy, what mobs at the store I went to. It was so crowded that when I scratched my back, three girls slapped my face. I thought it was my back. Boy, what crowds. Everybody's buying, buying, buying. Nobody's paying, but everybody's buying. Say, did you get to see Santa Claus while you were shopping? Oh, yeah. And they're picketing him. Oh, they are? They want him to join a slave driver's union. But I finally got up close and I sat on his lap and he says, well, my little man, what do you want for Christmas? And I says, please, Santa Claus, just leave me and Marlene Dietrich stocking. Oh, that's very funny, Red. You and Marlene Dietrich stocking. What's so funny about that? The perfect leg gets the perfect heel. Now, you ought to see the cute toys they have this year, though. They have a doll. They're the cutest doll I ever saw. Does it say mama? No, it's a modern doll. When you squeeze it, it says, shoot the bottle to me, John boy. That's terrific. It has a complete wardrobe of clothes and a little baby bob. And when you feed the doll the bottle of water, Dell, you'd be surprised what happens. No kidding. They call it an Avalon doll. Don't forget your change. Do they have any other interesting toys? Yeah, they have dolls. They're of all the movie, the radio stars, rather. And they're priced according to their popularity. Now, the Fred Allen doll is $2. And the Bob Hope doll is $3. And the Charlie McCarthy doll is $4. And they even have a little baby doll. The Red Kilton doll. They have? Yeah. They give it away with a box of cracker jacks. Hiya, Skeleton. Hiya, Dell. Hello, there, Dell. Dick Todd, ladies and gentlemen, our singing fall. Well, you've done some time, Dick. What are you going to sing? Tonight, My Beautiful from George White Scandals. Well, Dick, I didn't think you cared. Sing. Good night, my beautiful. Just being with you. So beautiful. And tearing away from your arms is not easy to do. Good night, my wonderful. There's nobody who's so wonderful. Each moment with you is like living a dream come true. Good night, my beautiful. Good night, good night, beautiful. When I... Todd's singing, and it was very nice to say everybody gather around here. I got some great news. Oh, what is it, Red? What is it, Skeleton? Well, everybody on this program has been kicking me around. You all think I'm a nobody, don't you? Yeah, that's right. And overrated, too. Yeah. Nobody overrated. Well, from now on things are going to be different. I am in society. What? That's right. I get a lot of this invitation. I just got from the upper crust. Red Skeleton is quiet. This is to inform you that Lord and Lady Crutchbutt request the pleasure of your presence at a combination swarray and crap game. P.S., bring your own dice. You in society, Red? Uh, just a moment, dear boy. That Red stuff's out from now on. Red is quite a common name for a fellow in my position. From now on it's Cerise. It's Skeleton. Oh, Mr. Skeleton. Uh, just a moment, dear girl. You weren't here when I informed the cast. From now on my name is Skeleton. Skeleton, Skeleton. What's in a name? A rose by any other name smell. Well, you've picked a fine time to lose your play. Say, you may not know it, Mr. You may not know it, Miss Stillwell, but I've been invited to diner at dinner rather with Lord and Lady Crutchbutt. Don't laugh, boys. I'm doing my best. Lord and Lady Crutchbutt. My, how too, too nauseating. I've always known that I've had potentialities for society. After all, when one's reared in the atmosphere of gentility and refinement, lost will tell. Hey, Red Skeleton. What is it, my good man? You better be at home. Your mother's having company. She wants you to keep your old man in the kitchen. Somebody put him up to that. You don't have to keep my old man in the kitchen. You can't get up off the floor. Well, I want you to remember that on the 12th I'm dining with the upper set. The steak may be chopped. You better take your lower set, too. Edna, I'll have you to know that the blood of gentlemen runs through my veins. How many transfusions? About 11. I'll wait a minute. Oh, I don't mean to hurt you, Mr. Skeleton. But you don't belong with those people. Why, they sleep in gold beds with silk sheets. And they wear ermine pajamas. Ermine pajamas? Yeah. Don't they tickle? Well, I'm not going to miss that party anyway. Oh, Roberta, I mean, uh, Robert. What is it, Saree? Would you give us a little musical cocktail? Something classical, perhaps something from Chopin or Wagner, or maybe DiMaggio? How about a little brown jug? Say, that would be right in the groove-a-roo, Robert. Clay. Gentlemen, I was out at the racetrack the other day and a chap gave me a tip on a horse. Well, believe it or not, the horse came in. And after the race, this man came up to me and said, Boy, can I pick him or can I pick him? Just like I told you, buddy, eh? That sure fires some horse. Just like Avalon cigarettes. You're bound to make money on them. Say, how's that for a plug? Yes, friends, the gentleman is right, absolutely. You're money ahead when you switch to Avalon cigarettes, you see? Avalons cost three to five cents less per pack than other popular price brands. And that saving mounts up to many extra dollars. Truly, Avalons give you all advantages. Highest quality, real money-saving economy. So the next time, why not give Avalons a trial? Ah, that works well, Delmar. That's something I've always wanted to do, is read a commercial. I can only read. I ain't kidding. What were you going to say, Edna? Mr. Scouton, you don't have to worry about making any faux pas at that classy party. Why? My brother, Roger, is sending the society editor of the bugle over here to give you some coaching on etiquette. Oh, you didn't have to do that, Edna. After all, if Bob Hope can get around in society without coaching, why can't I? Well, Mr. Scouton, there's a lot of difference between you, Ex-Hale, and Bob Hope. What do you mean? A lot of difference between me, Ex-Hale, and Bob Hope. Well, I don't want to mention you and Hope in the same breath. Oh, say, that's probably the society editor now. Come in. Well, I'm glad you got here. Well, are you the society editor from the bugle? Well, I'm not a credit field shop from crumbs along the Mohawk. Thank you, Leans. I didn't know you were an authority on etiquette. Oh, my goodness, yes, Mr. Scouton. Why, they call me the Emily Post of Maxwell Street. Why, only last night I had dinner at the home of Madame Arthritis. Who? You know Madame Arthritis. She has a swell joint. Thank you, Leans. You broke bread with Madame Arthritis? Broke bread? Why, we fractured bagels. Bagels? Yes, you know what a bagel is, Mr. Scouton. That's a donut with hardening of the arteries. Well, tell me, Herky, how do I act at this society party? Well, when you go into dinner, be sure to remain standing until all the ladies are seated, unless there's not enough chairs to go around. I see. Now, if the lady at your left is wearing a fan, you take the fan and check it, unless the sally rang. Well, what else do I do at the dinner? Well, you show your versatility, silly. Go out in the kitchen and help serve the meal. Oh, I couldn't do that, Herky. Supposing they have lamb chops. I wouldn't even know what kind of panties to put on them. Oh, it's very, very simple, Mr. Scouton. Now, most lamb chops prefer lace panties that button up the back. But some lamb chops might like panties from after Cody invested. You mean they have personalities like male and female? Oh, definitely. Definitely. Well, look, Herky, tell me, how do you tell a male lamb chop from the female? That, Mr. Scouton, should be of interest only to another lamb chop. We've got to be going along now, Mr. Scouton. A girlfriend of mine is having a coming-out party tonight, and I want to sure be there. A girlfriend of yours is coming out in society? No, at Minsky's. I'll see you later. Just an echo in the valley but it brings back sweet memories of you. Can't you hear it through the twilight? Why, too? Just like it's an echo, nothing like... just an echo in the valley. That was very nice, too, Dick. Say, how about coming up to Lord and Lady Quetzpat's party and you can sing a song as a favor to me? Of course. Anything for you, Red. Okay. What's in it? You mercenary beast. All right, I'll pay you out of my own pocket. Suppose we call it $500. That's fine. Of course you understand we only call it $500. Actually, you get a dollar and a quarter. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for a slice of life, you set the scene, Del. Okay, Red, tonight's slice of life is an incident that might be happening in your own hometown. Newly wed on a honeymoon. Now as the scene opens, the blushing bride, played by Edna Stillwell, has just taken out her compact to put on a new blush. While the groom, played by Red Skelton, has just paid the driver and is taking his bag out of the cab. All right, dear, get out of the cab. Oh, dear, this is the hotel. Oh, it's for you. Yeah, it's the best hotel in Niagara Falls. The vaccination arms. Come on, let's go in. Darling, I don't want anyone to know we're newly wed. Let's make believe we've been married a long time. All right, I'll ask for a room with twin bed. Ah, good afternoon. Welcome to vaccination arms. Oh, uh, we'd like a nice room. Something with a bath? No, this is a pleasure trip. Well, I have just the thing you want. Nice and airy, has a window on every side, faces the gas works, the glue factory, the fish market and the stockyards. Yes, sir, you can always tell which way the wind is blowing. Well, look, we're not exactly here on a nasal holiday. If you've got something with a view instead, that's out in it. Well, I can let you have something overlooking the Blast House. There's always something coming off there. You don't understand. I'm here with my wife. Oh, I thought you said it was a pleasure trip. Well, I think we have just what you want. Sign the register, please. It'll be $6.50 in advance. That's fine. Always paying advance. That's the day off with a clean sheet. That'll be a dollar extra for the clean sheet. Frantz, show this couple to room 104. Yes, sir. It's just down the hall, sir. Follow me. Okay. Careful as they go. I'm sure you'll like it here, sir. The hotel's only three blocks from the hall. Oh, darling, we must visit here some time and see them. This is the room, sir. The clerk didn't tell you, but it's the bridal suite. How lovely. Well, brace yourself, dear. Oh, Richard, what are you jumping on my back for? Are you going to carry me over the threshold? Now, there you are, sir. Your bags are all in. Now, the bathroom is down the hall. Okay. Oh, before I forget, the hot water is marked cold. Yeah. And the cold water is marked hot. Yeah. But don't let that bother your brother. There ain't any water. One at last. We're going to be so happy on our honeymoon. Richard, what are you doing? Shh. I'm looking through the keyhole. What do you see? The bellboy's eye. I'll hang my coat over the knob. Just think, dear, we've been married for three hours. Yeah. Remember when we were engaged? Yeah. Remember, father made you go home every night at 10 o'clock. But now we're married. And here we are on our honeymoon, all alone. Yeah. Well, how about a game of P-knuckle? Richard, don't you love me anymore? You haven't kissed me for 10 minutes. Oh, Momzie, Momzie, put your arm around the fob. See, wop, see. I'll give you a little kissy whistle. Oh, Nutsie, watch it. The upper at this hotel. What do you mean, you're the upper? Well, you see, there's no lock on the washroom door, so I stand outside while you're taking a bath. And if somebody else starts to walk in, I yell, oh! Where was we? Oh, yes. Put your arms around me, dear. Hold me tight, darling. Yes. Tider. Yes. Tider. Yes. Don't ever let anyone come between us. A shadow couldn't get through here. Pucker up, dear. Oh, gee. Come in. There's a package for you, sir. Well, don't bother me now. I'll get it in the morning. OK, chump. For heaven's sakes. Can't they see we want to be alone? Oh, now don't get excited, dear. Now go close and kiss me. I'd love to kiss you, honey. But gee, just when I get set, something happens I have to un-pucker. Well, I'm ready now. Come on. Oh, wait a minute. This ain't a bridal suite. It's a bridal path. Come here. Oh, it's you again. How are you, one? Well, that package wasn't for you. That finishes. That settles it. Get the bags. We're checking out of here. Now, calm down, dear. You're just upset because it's your wedding day. Now, you just sit down here, and I'll turn on the radio. Oh, what good's a radio? People button in and out? Gee, I can't even be alone with my bride. Are you having any fun? No, turn that thing off! Gee, my mother told me there'd be days like this. Oh, now, darling, don't carry on this way. You know how much I love you, and you've been so sweet to me, and I'm crazy about this engagement ring you gave me. You are? Do you really like it? Yes. Will you let me have your magnifying glass, dear? I want to look at the diamond again. Look, darling, it's quiet. We haven't been disturbed now for a couple of... Hey, this is wonderful. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Oh, shove it under the door. Okay, shove the tip under. Okay, there you are. Well, at last I found a way to keep people out of here. Who's it from, dear? It's from your mother. She says, dear children, I knew you'd be lonesome, so I took the next train to spin your honeymoon with you. Oh, my goodness. Ladies and gentlemen, if you live in a city or state which has recently imposed additional taxes on cigarettes, here's a mighty important tip. There's a way to save yourself that tax money. Switch to Avalon cigarettes. You see, Avalons cost three to five cents less per pack than other popular price brands. That saving brings the cost of your cigarettes down to pre-tax prices. Friends, no matter where you live, it pays you to switch to Avalon, the cigarettes that guarantee unsurpassed quality plus outstanding money-saving economy. Why not give Avalons a trial tonight? I'll take that. Hello. Hello, Red Scalpin. Yeah? Say, you made a crack on your program last Wednesday that Dick Tracy was going to get out of the well. How did you know? Why? Who is this? Stooge-billers. Stooge-billers? Yeah. Now, the next time you tip Tracy off, you're going to wind up without your legs. Without my legs? Yeah, we're running low on pigs' feet. Yeah. Good night, everybody. I'll see you next week. I hope... Goodbye now. We hope you've enjoyed our show and be with us next Wednesday night at the same time when the Brown and Williamson Tobacco Corporation again presents Red Scalpin, Dick Todd, Edna Stillwell, Bob Strong and his orchestra, and the entire gang at Avalon time. This is Del King speaking, reminding you that during the week, when you ask for Avalon cigarettes... Don't forget your change. No, why not always travel on? Yes, you'd never guess, but Avalon costs only ten cents plus city or state tax. Pipe smokers, attention. If you paid $100 a pound for your tobacco, you couldn't get finer quality than Sir Walter Raleigh, the quality pipe tobacco of America. That's why Sir Walter Raleigh is the largest selling pipe tobacco everywhere you find men who know quality smoking. And here's a Christmas suggestion for you ladies. Any pipe smoker will greatly appreciate a big one-pound Christmas canister of Sir Walter Raleigh. It's an ideal Christmas gift. This is the national broadcasting company. W-E-A-F, New York.