 The Jack Benny program transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. Lucky? Be fine, tobacco cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, fresher, be fine, tobacco, lucky, fresher, cleaner, fresher, smoother. Better get a carton, better- And this is Don Wilson. You could say that cheer is the voice of collegiate America speaking right up on the subject of cigarettes. Here's what I mean. A nationwide survey in 80 leading colleges based on actual student interviews reveals that more smokers in these colleges prefer Lucky's than any other cigarette, and by a wide margin. In addition, Lucky's gained far more smokers than the nation's two other principal brands combined. And why? The number one reason the students gave for smoking Lucky's was better taste. That's right. Better taste because LSMFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Better taste because Lucky's are made better. In fact, just right to give you a cleaner fresher, smoother smoke. So be happy, go Lucky, and you too will cheer Lucky's better taste. Because I know Lucky's better taste will cheer you. Lucky struck me fine, tobacco. Lucky struck me fine, tobacco cleaner. Fresher, smoother, better get a carton! Better get a carton, better get a carton, today! Lucky Strike Program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, immediately after this program, Jack Benny does his second television show of the season. Meanwhile, let's go back to Friday evening. It's Halloween. And in Beverly Hills, as in communities all over the country, the little goblins have already started through the neighborhood playing trick or treat. Well, this is the last house in the block. Before we go to the next street, I think we ought to put all the stuff that we got in one big bag. You go first, Bobby. I'm Joey. Bobby and me change man. Well, it doesn't make any difference. Let's all empty our pockets and see what we got. I'll go first. I got a piece of fudge, a stick of gum, and two lollipops. I got an apple, some popcorn, two cookies, and a chocolate bar. I got some lemon drops, so probably we'll stick in a donut. I got a tootsie roll, a package of rice and a can of strong heart. Hmm, dog food. Knock on some more doors. Yeah, come on, kids, let's go. Hey, Bobby. Mr. Jack Benny. Hiya, Mr. Benny. Hello, Butch. You can be very proud that you've met Mr. Benny. I can, why? You've just shaken the hand that knocked out Gene Tunney. They went to spend on this here. Yeah. Mr. Benny was the most decorated athlete on the United States Olympic team. Well, gee, gee, what a vent was he in. Are you kidding? He won the 100 meter dash, the pole vault, the discus throw, the broad jump, and the high hurdles. Holy smoke. That was in the morning. Mr. Benny doesn't want anybody to know it. He even wears big pads in his coat so his muscles won't show. Mr. Benny's in the movies, too. He may have picked you called the horn blows it. Come on, fellas. Come on, let's go. Halloween will be over before we know it. Now, let's go ring some more doorbells. Okay. Hey, kids, this is the street where Mary Livingston lives. I'm going over and see her, kids. Okay. I'll be back in just a few minutes. Gee, I hope the maid is out tonight so Mary will open the door herself. Boy, will this mask fool her. Trick or treat. I'll go see. Mary, it's me. Oh, for heaven's sake, Jack. Pauline, come out from under the bed and go away. It's not a wolf man. It's Mr. Benny. He pulled his toupee down over his face and cut two eyes in it. Mary, do you mind if I come in and sit down for a few minutes? I'm worn out. Worn out? Why are you so tired? I don't know. I guess I haven't gotten over the Olympics. What? I mean, I walked over from Olympic Boulevard. Oh, boy, let me get into that chair. Say, Mary, I'm not keeping you from anything, am I? Well, not right now, Jack, but in a little while, I've got to go over and help my sister Babe with a Halloween party. Babe's having another Halloween party? Funny, she didn't invite me. Well, after what happened last year, you can't blame her. What a cheap costume. What do you mean? He didn't spend a dime. He put on a pair of shorts, stood out in the cold and came as little boy blue. Oh, you're just mad because they gave me first prize. Gosh, my feet hurt. Do you mind if I slip off my shoes? No, go right ahead. Ah, that feels better. You know, Mary, we've walked all over the neighborhood. Jack, I know that's a nice bunch of kids who belong to the Beavers Club, but don't you think you're a little too old for them? A little, but it's good for kids to have a hero, an idol, you know, someone they can worship. I know, but what kind of an excuse are you going to give them Wednesday when they find out you weren't elected president? That's what worries me. The kids won't believe it. They'll demand a recount. Oh, well, I'll think of something. Oh, the Beavers are calling me. I got to go. All right, Jack, I'm glad you stopped by. Good night, Mary. Good night. Oh, Pauline. Pauline. Here I am, Miss Livington. Did Mr. Benny leave? Yes, Pauline, but he'll be back. How do you know? He forgot his shoes. Oh. Here. Thanks. All right, fellas, I'm coming. Let's go ring some more. Gee, kids, we've walked about three miles since we left Mary's house. Hey, Mr. Benny. Isn't this the house where Dennis stay in this? Yeah. See, let me go to the door alone. I want to scare Dennis's mother. You kids wait here. I think I'll look in the front window first and see if Mrs. Day is home. Good. It's open, too. Oh, Dennis. Dennis, where are you? I'm in the library, Bonita. Ronald Coleman. Now, go sit down and finish your dinner. Okay. Say, Mother, why are you carrying that baseball bat? In case some fathead comes to the door to play pick or treat. Hmm. What happened to all the mustard that was in this jar? Oh, I used it to play a Halloween trick. A Halloween trick with mustard? Yeah, I smeared it all over your new nightgown. What? Well, out. You're not supposed to find out till you go to bed. Hospital. Hospital. But I had to get the right one. You have to rehearse your song for the program, so let me hear it. Okay, Mother. There was nobody home. Hey, kids, kids, there's a friend of mine coming down the street. You hide in the bushes and I'll put on my mask and scare him. Okay. Oh, boy, when he sees this mask, he won't know who it is. He'll jump out of his skin. You recognize me in these old clothes? Do you address the same way at the opening of the Staedtler Hotel? Yes, yes, it was a publicity stunt. Oh. Well, Mr. Kitzel, what are you doing out on the street? Don't you know, don't you know this is Halloween? Yes, I know Halloween. This is the night when hobble goblins and spooksers and monsters and witches roam the street. Then what are you doing out? I'm looking for my wife. Maybe you saw her. Well, I don't know, Mr. Kitzel. I don't quite remember what she looks like. This is a very cute little woman about 5 feet 3. 5 feet 3? In any direction. You mean, you mean your wife is that fat? She weighs in the neighborhood of 300 pounds. Really? Yeah, and when she takes off her girdle, she's all over the neighborhood. Mr. Kitzel, you're kidding. Oh, my. Anyway, I want my wife to come home and help me straighten up the house. Some kids keep it over. Tipped over your house? Yes, yes, yes. Well, your house must be awfully small. Small. In the morning, if you get out of the right side of the bed, you're in the kitchen. If you get out on the left side of the bed, you're in the bathroom. And if you get out from the front of the bed, you're on the sunset board. You have got a small house, but I can't understand how a youngster could tip it over. Where I live, that's not unusual. My are those kiddies tall. Really tough, huh? Today, a gang of them asked me to bob for apples. Well, Mr. Kitzel, that's the custom on Halloween. All kids bob for apples. I know, but in my neighborhood, they use boiling water. I see. I'm happy. Well, goodbye, Mr. Bene. I got to be running along. Goodbye, Mr. Kitzel. It was nice meeting you again. Likewise, I'm convinced. Oh, oh, by the way, Mr. Kitzel, don't forget the boat Tuesday. Oh, I'll be there. You can be sure. We need some more doorbells. Yeah, we divided up our stuff we got. We dumped it all out in the sidewalk. We got a bag of sucas peanuts, a stick of gum, a penny, a bottle of coconut tootsie roll. I'll take the Coca-Cola. I'll take the tootsie roll. I'll take the lollipop. Now it's between you and me, Mr. Bene. Which do you want, the stick of gum or the penny? I guess I'll take the stick of gum. Okay, then get your foot off the penny. Oh, I'm sorry. Say, kids, while we're in this neighborhood, let's go over to Bob Crosby's house. Yes, sir. You know, you know, he's working for me now. I'll ring the bell. Hello, Bob. Well, hi, Jack. I'm sure these guys with you are writers. Oh, no, these kids are beavers. Beavers, oh. Certainly I should have known your writers look more like gophers. Yeah, three of them type with their teeth. Let's go in, kid. Oh, honey, Jack Benny's here with the beavers. Oh, how nice. Jack, I don't think you've ever met my wife. This is June. Well, I'm very glad to know you. Thank you. Now, kid, there's a lot of candy on the dining room table, so don't be bashful. Oh, boy. Come on. Jack, come back here. Oh, yes, yes, I'm sorry. Well, well. So I've finally met Jack Benny. That's right. Yeah, I suppose Bob has told you all about me. Oh, yeah. May I help you to a chair? Help me to... Hey, Jack, you know, it's kind of bad you didn't get here a few minutes earlier. All the guys in the band were out celebrating Halloween. They all dropped in. The boys in our orchestra? Yeah, boy, what a gang. Especially Sammy the drummer. Sammy, what did he do? He painted his head orange, put a lighted candle in his mouth, and came as a jack-o'-lantern. Thought I heard a drum in your house. No kidding, Bobby. Listen, has Sammy... has Sammy been drinking? I think so. He sneezed and set the curtains on fire. Well, how do you like that? Say, was Bagby... was Bagby the piano player here too? Yes, Jack. Bagby was here, but I must admit that he was very dignified. Bagby dignified? Ultra. My goodness, he put a cork in the hole in his head and came as Lord Calvert. Oh, my goodness, I... I wish I could have... I wish I could have seen those guys. Hey, Bob, tell me. What about Remly? You're standing on him. I thought it was a bare-skinned rug. Well, it's getting late. The beavers and I better run along. See you later, Bob. It's been a pleasure meeting you, June. Thank you. So long. Goodbye, Jack. Goodbye, Jack. Come on, beavers. Come on. She certainly is. She's got the bluest eyes I've ever seen. Oh, yeah. Come over here under the street. Now, come on, kids. We've got about five more houses. Now, where do we go next? Hey, I know a good Halloween trick. What? Well, we're five of us. Let's go tip over Don Wilson. We mustn't do that. But let's go over to his house anyway. Okay. The beavers, it's getting late. Now, kids, here's Don Wilson's house. It's dark inside, but the door is open. I better go in alone. Okay. Wait here. Don. Don. Hmm, it's so dark in here. Don. Don, where are you? Jack, Jack, we're in here. Who's we? Me. What? Me and the sportsman. Oh, Don, what are you doing in this big house with all the lights out? No worries. No! Jack, Jack, we've got a wonderful Halloween song we want to do. A song, yeah? Yeah, and there are a few places where you join in. There's one place where we want you to do a weird, crazy laugh. No, kid. All right, let's start. Oh, we have to wait around about 10 seconds. Why? Well, we can't start until it's 9.26, bull of a witch time. Come on. We've only got about five seconds more. Okay. Ready, everybody? Take it, boys. S.M.F.T. There's a house on a hill Full of spooks but we will tighten them away Take off my toupee Oh, I'll take off the roof, we will prowl This is our night to howl And we'll poop like an owl Hoot, hoot We are the goblins who know Where the war breezes blow And tobacco leaves grow L.S.M.F.T. That's the smoke for me. Oh, take a kiss from a toast Use tobacco to toast It's the one you like most Up, up, up Now? No. Oh, now? Yes. Ooh. You're the goblins who know How to louse up your show Come on fellas, let's go right out on the street To play trick or treat Now we will fly through the air Find some luckies to share Some to tear and compare We wear We will like hockey stride Wonderful, absolutely wonderful Oh, thanks, Jack. Maybe we could use it as a commercial of the program, Subdiver. No, no, I would scare all the people. Well, I better go. The beavers are waiting for me. So long, Don. So long, Jack. So long. Hey kids, come on out and we'll... Kids! Now where do they go? I better give the beaver a call. Ah! Beaver distress signal. I better hurry. Coming fellas, coming! What happened? I hope it's nothing serious. Well, there they are behind that fence. What happened, fellas? What happened? Stevie tore his pants climbing over this fence. Yeah. Oh, come on, Stevie. That's nothing to cry over. What's so bad about tearing a hole in your pants? I was carrying my rabbit there and he got away. Put that rip in your pants, Boylar. Fun. I'll climb over the fence and fix it for you. I better go home, too. So long, fellas. We all better go. Okay, Mr. Banks. Before we wake up, we want to say something to you. What is it, fellas? For he's a jolly good beaver. For he's a jolly good beaver. For he's a jolly good beaver. The next meeting. What a night. Such fun. It's great to be young. Going around from door to door and... Uh-oh. I wonder... Well, it won't hurt to try. Trick or treat. I'm sorry, but I'm only the watchman in this bank. Some people never get into the Halloween spirit. Oh, well, I might as well go home. For I'm a jolly good beaver. For I'm a jolly good beaver. Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be back in a minute because I want to tell you what I'm going to do today on my television show, which goes on immediately after this program. But first, here's something very important about the election. Your duty as a free citizen is to vote. And this coming Tuesday is the day. So make a note to be sure to vote. Join your friends and neighbors at the ballot box Tuesday and vote as you please, but vote. See you at the polls. Thank you. I'll be back in just a moment, but first... Lucky? Well, friends, it's only natural for lucky smokers to be enthusiastic about the cigarette that tastes so much better. And luckies do taste better. That's because L.S.M.F.T. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. Fine, mild, and naturally good tasting tobacco. What's more, you enjoy the full flavor of that fine tobacco because luckies are packed full and firm. Made better in every way to taste cleaner, fresher, smoother. No wonder so many college students are voicing their preference for luckies. Remember, a nationwide survey in 80 leading colleges based on actual student interviews reveals that more smokers in these colleges prefer luckies than any other cigarette. And remember that luckies gained far more smokers than the nation's two other principal brands combined. But most of all, remember the number one reason the students gave for smoking luckies. Better taste. So friends, get the better taste that only fine tobacco and a better-made cigarette can give you. Be happy. Go lucky. Make your next carton Lucky Strike. Be happy. Go lucky. Go lucky. Strike today. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. See, I came back just like I promised. I want to tell you that on my television show, which goes on in exactly 30 seconds on the CBS television network, I'm going to have as my guest star, Dinah Shore, and we're going to do buck many rides again. So for those of you who haven't got a television set, you've got 30 seconds to buy one. If you live in Walk Keegan, my cousin Cliff Gordon will have one going in the window. See you in a few seconds. Jack Benny Program this week was written by Milk Josephsburg, John Tackerberry, Al Gordon, Al Goldman, and produced and transcribed by Elliot Martin. Jack Benny Program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. This is the CBS Radio Network.