 The makers of Wrigley's Spearman chewing gum invite you to enjoy life. Life with Luigi, a comedy show created by Psy Howard and starring that celebrated actor, Mr. J. Carol Masch with Alan Reed as Bespoil. Wrigley's Spearman chewing gum is a typically American product that appeals to people of all ages and nationalities in all parts of our country. And the Wrigley people feel that Life with Luigi is a typically American radio program. A friendly, enjoyable show that sort of symbolizes the American spirit of tolerance and goodwill. So the makers of refreshing, delicious Wrigley Spearman gum are glad to bring you life with Luigi each week and have you join them in this pleasant half-hours entertainment. And now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes about his adventures in America to his mama Vasco in Italy. Mommy, in this letter I'm sending you some picture postcards of this beautiful country America. First the picture is to show you Grand Canyon. It's a wonderful, huh? A Grand Canyon of Mama Mia is in Arizona. That's the way to get a cowboy. Anyway, if you look at a postcard, it's to say Bird's Eye View. Mama Mia. Only in a smart country like America can they train a bird to take a picture. The next picture is to show you Death Valley at Scenic, California. Is it the lowest point in the United States? 276 feet below sea level. Mama Mia, don't ask me how people live under the sea. I don't know. The postcard after that is to show you a lot of water. And it says it's built at a cost of $165 million. Hoover Dam, formerly Boulder Dam. Huh? I guess the Mr. Boulder is a no-coo to keep up with the payment, so his soul is a dam to Mr. Hoover. And the last picture is to show you Niagara Falls. Over there, if you ain't married, they don't let you in. And a funny thing, my friend Shultz, here's a say if you are married, you don't want to go. Anyway, once every week Pascuali sends me a picture of Niagara Falls and a picture of his daughter Rosa. And on the back, he's a writer. Well... Mama Mia, if I'm going to get married, it's a fact the daughter of the sea Niagara Falls, I think I'm going to stay single and see Death Valley. But how you like America, Mama Mia, is beautiful, you know? I'm going to think I would have traveled all over the country, if only for one thing. I've got a night school to teach you, Miss Spaulding, who's just as beautiful. So before I'm going to travel anywhere, I'm not going to travel right to my night school. America, I love you. You like a papa to me, from ocean to ocean. All right, class, let's get on with the lesson, please. I'll call a roll. Mr. Basko. Present. Mr. Howard. Present. Present. Mr. Schultz. It's obvious. Oh, thank you, fellow boo-boo. Mr. Schultz, it's obvious that you're white. Present. Oh, she tricked me into saying it anyway. All right, let's see if I can't trick you into getting some correct answers. Now, today we're reviewing some general facts about the United States. Mr. Schultz, you may tell us the area of the United States. What do you mean I may? I got a choice. Ms. Paulding, may I venture to give you the answer? Well, I wish you would, Mr. Howard. Thank you. The area of the United States has got about 3 million miles. Very good. Now, will you just... Just one moment, Ms. Paulding. A correction, if you please. Correction? You bet you. I happen to know the exact figure. There was 3,022,387 square miles. A square statement from a square hat. Schultz, don't try to be so funny. Thank you, Mr. Olsen. However, for our purposes, we'll accept 3 million miles is correct. Nevertheless, there was 3,022,387. Himmel, do we give worries about that extra piece of land you'd think he was a real estate broker? That so happens, Mr. Schultz, that extra piece of land is just about the size of West Virginia. Oh, now he's a tobacco planter. Mr. Schultz, will you stop it? Now, who can tell us the population of the United States? Mr. Howard? 140 million. Mr. Basko? I'm sorry, Ms. Paulding. These birds do not take pictures of all the people. Birds? Well, Mr. Schultz? It's more than 140 million. Could you give us an exact figure? 150 million. Excellent, Mr. Schultz, excellent. You see, Olsen, but it takes you six hours to memorize, I guess, in two seconds. Mr. Schultz, much it I hate to contradict you. Mr. Schultz's figure is far from the true. According to the latest report, our population is now 152 million, 281,159. All right, Olsen, so I left out 2 million. What's so bad about that? There's so happens there are 2 million people in the state of West Virginia. Himmler is west Virginia taking a beating today. Excuse me, Ms. Paulding, I can understand how Olsen isn't know exactly the square miles of the United States he's got there. But how he's know exactly the people? Luigi, that was very simple. My figures are taken from the latest census. Census? What's that? Luigi, that's something that's done every 10 years. We take the census in the spring. Oh, Mr. Basko, I'm surprised. A few months ago, the government set aside one week during which time every person was countered and included in the total population of the United States. Oh, Mamma Mia. What's the matter, Luigi? Well, Mamma wasn't accounted. No. Are you sure, Mr. Basko? Don't you remember anyone coming around and asking you your name and how old you are, et cetera? No, no, no, I'm assured, Ms. Paulding. That's the worst thing that's happened to me. America is left to me out. Luigi, Luigi, take it easy. You ain't left out. And what if you wasn't counted in 1950? Wait until 1960 and make them count you twice. Luigi, that doesn't mean very much. No, no, no, no. You're going to talk because of you all as citizens. You know what it meant to me when you was all able to vote and I had to stand outside and watch you when you was going in and I could. I'm going to go. Mr. Basko, where are you going? I'm going to do something I can't understand. When people talk about a population of the United States, they're talking about everybody but me. But you don't understand. No, no, no, I'm going to change. Oh, now. Mr. Basko, please, please, don't stop at me. Don't stop at me. I'm going to think of something. I'm going to be counted. I'm going to be. What a strange thing. What do you suppose will happen? It's simple, Olsen. Either he's going to get counted or he's going to have to move to West Virginia. Everybody in the country is accounted except for me. I'm left out. What's where you're going? Huh? You stepped right in front of that car. Your number was almost up. My number? Impossible. Ammo wasn't accounted. Ammo got to know numbered. What? Please, please, Mr. Officer. Please, where am I going to go to get counted? Well, the way you're stumbling around, you might try the morgue. Look, go on, Olsen. Son, will you go on? What am I going to do? Ammo got to, Ammo got to be counted. Ammo got to. Hey, bud. You got a quarter on you. I'm down and out. Down and out? That's right. I'm worse off than anybody else in the country. No, no, you're not. I'm worse off than you. Hey, wait a minute. I'm working this street. No, no, no, no, Mr. Ammo didn't mean that. Huh? I was just asking. Yeah? Was it you counted by the census? Look, friend, I'll answer any questions for a quarter. Honest, it ain't for drinking. I don't touch this stuff. I need it for a night's lodging. All right, here. I know you better off. Oh, thanks, bud. That's all right. Tell me something, huh? Yeah? Was it you included in the population? Sure. I was counted. Everybody gets counted. They've been bummed like me. What's the matter? Ammo wasn't counted. So what? I'm a hit. You know I'm a hit and I'm a know I'm a hit. But as far as the rest of the United States isn't on it, nobody knows I'm a hit. Look, friend, you better take back your quarter. You need that drink more than I do. Oh, Luigi, hello, hello. Hey, Pascuali, I'm a gotta ask you. Wait a minute. You better sit down and take easy or relax. Just look how you face all the red and perspire, the hair all the must-stop, the shoes are stepped all over, tie around your neck. Luigi, since when are you playing a tackle for Notre Dame? Hello, Pascuali. I wasn't walking all over. I'm a know nowhere. I'm all a mixed up. I'm in a terrible trouble. Trouble? Yeah. I'm a wasn't a homer when a census of men is a comma to count to me. So I wasn't a homer. And now I'm in a country and yet I'm a not to hear. Oh, Luigi, is there no doubts about it? You've got hallucinations. Hallucinations? What's that? Lucinations. You poor little brain is a cum loose. That's a give you hallucination. No, no, no, Pascuali. Is it the census? That's what I said. Your census is a garner too. The study you're mixing of me all up. I'm talking about the population of census. The fellow must have come into my store when I'm a wasn't in. I'm a wasn't in. Here's an academy. Now I'm a left out of America. Oh, so that's the national census. Yeah. Well, listen, Luigi, don't worry about it. Maybe it was a count and you don't know it. Then I'm going to find out. Then maybe it was an account. Then I'm going to fix it. Now listen, Luigi, you're fooling around with a dynamite. If I was you, I would have kept quiet. No. No, no, no. I'm going to the governor's building. Wait, wait, wait, Luigi. I know where you should have gone. Are you doing? Yes. Now listen. If you were an accountant, you were in a hair, right? Right. And if you were in a hair, you miss it, right? Right. Then if you're missing, there's only one place to go. Where? In the city of Pascuali. Oh, Pascuali. Hey, why am I not told of that, huh? Why? Because my head is all the brain. That's why. Not a one bit of fat, all the bone. That's right, Pascuali. You're the biggest bone I had I know. That's a funny thing. When I'm a sailor, it's a commodity for it. Pascuali. Pascuali, you think a day is going to fix me up? Oh, sure. You ever see these guys in the army that walk around with the helmets and the clubs and on their sleeve it's a printed MP? Well, Luigi, those are fellas who was once a missing. There was a? Sure. The MP. That's a standard for missing a person. Oh, that's a standard for... Oh, and at the end of the day it was a found, huh? No, there was a draft at it. Well, well, thank you, you, Pascuali. You're wonderful. I'm going to write them out to the bureau. I'm missing a person's going to get a found again. Go, go, little pumpkin ahead of gold. All right. Goodbye, Pascuali. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Oh, what a stupid green hearted boob. He said, believe me, how stupid can a man be? MP's a mean of missing a person. He don't even know it's a mean of maiden of Pennsylvania. Before we've returned to life with Luigi, we'd like to put in a word about delicious Wrigley's Spearman chewing gum. When you're busy at your job or working around your home, you don't have to take time out. Just slip a stick of refreshing Wrigley's Spearman into your mouth and go right on with your work. The smooth, easy chewing gives you a lot of satisfaction, helps keep you from feeling tense and makes your work seem easier and pleasanter. Then, too, the lively, real spearmint flavor leaves a clean, fresh taste in your mouth. It's refreshing and delicious. So chew Wrigley's Spearman gum while you work. You'll work better, feel better, and get more satisfaction out of what you're doing. So next time you go shopping, get a few packages of helpful, refreshing Wrigley's Spearman chewing gum. Now let's turn to page two of Luigi Basco's letter to his mother in Italy. And so, Mamma Mia, I was in a terrible trouble until the Pasqualeas had told me to go to the Bureau of Missing the Persons and get myself accounted. Imagine if I'm going to do that, what would it be? A teacher would ask a little boy in a school. What's the population of the United States? And a little boy has got to say, $152,271,159, not the count in a Luigi Basco. Well, I'm going to stop it at the right now and go to the Bureau. Oh, excuse me, please. Is this the Bureau of Missing the Persons? Yes. Well, I'm a missing. Oh, amnesia? No, Italian. Every little bit helps. Sit down, won't you? Sure, I'm going to do anything. Honey, I don't want to be left out. Yes, I know. There's no feeling in the world like that. Left out feeling. Oh, you're so right. Now, tell me, Jack. My name is not Jack. Good. Now, keep trying to remember. Is it Sam? No. Harry? No. John? No. Bob? No. Is your name a Bob? No. John? Harry? No. Jack? No. Now, look, I'm supposed to be asking the questions here. All right, then. Now, tell me, have you any idea what your name could be? Yes, Luigi Basco. Well, what makes you think so? Because that's my name. That's your name. Well, why didn't you say so before? Oh, I'ma talk to you when I'm to play games. I think this guy's Psycho. No, not the Psycho. Basco. Yeah. Now, keep trying to remember. Do you live someplace in Chicago? Yes. At 21 and not the hardest on the street. Good. 21. No. Say, did you know your name and address before you came in here? Sure. Well, who are you? My man. Even I don't know. Yes, yes, I do. Mr. Basco. All right. Come here. I want to show you the door. Oh, that's looking nice. And that's the street. That's nice, too. That's not that's nice. Luigi, when you going around acting afresh, then there's nothing I can help you with. Yeah, but, Basco, I'ma want to back in and explain to what I'm after. And he's still to throw me out. That must have been a wrong place. No, no, Luigi, but it's a proven one thing. What? You ain't a messin' no more. Now, if you ain't a messin', then you's a found, right? That's right. All right. You is a found, but the government is a lost to you, right? Right. Then the only other place for you to go is the lost of the found. Huh? So, hello, Luigi. Hello, Basco. Hello, Mr. Schultz. Mr. Schultz, excuse us, please. Luigi and me, we're discussing a very important thing. Oh, you are, huh? Hmm. Luigi, what happened with you and the thens, Schultz? Schultz, please. Well, Basquale, here's a sentin' me down a messin' of persons of a day because of the name in a jacket and how they throw me out and they don't see nobody and the Basquale says I'm an old Luigi because they don't account to me, Luigi. Oh, you're scheming, Basquale. Have you got this poor little Vino schnitzel for shimmers? Listen, Mr. Delacate, I said a man, go back to your store and get your thumb. You left it on the scale. I've done so. Well, I rather have my thumb on the scales than your daughter Rosa. Luigi, if you want to straighten out anything about the thens, you go to the thens of Puro. The sir? What? There is such a beauty? Sure there is. Basquale, if you know this, why you don't tell me that before? Luigi, you believe everything the Schultz has to tell you? What then? He should believe you? He sent Luigi to the lost and found. What is he? An umbrella? Well, I'm not going to wait the Basquale. I'm going right now. And it tanks the Schultz. How am I going to get the count? No, wait. I've got to show you where to go. Oh, that salami salesman. Always a spoiler to things from me. I better do something. Rosa! Rosa! Rosa! Rosa. We are the terrible trouble of Luigi. He's gone down to the census bureau. Ooh! Everything is so nice between us since the tanks have given. Imagine how he's a feel if he's a find out of what we did. It'd be terrible. Terrible. It'd be a catastrophe. Rosa, you stay here and mind the restaurant. I've got to stop for him. All right, Papa. You promised me you weren't going to eat or should I take inventory? Take inventory. Oh, you know I'm in a hurry. Oh, goodbye. Goodbye. But, Mr. Basquale, my secretary has already told you the census was taken last spring. The census bureau couldn't do anything about it now. Yeah, but it's a minute so much to me. Please, nobody's looking just to take a pencil and mark it down a one and one number in the census. Instead, a hundred and fifty-two million, a two hundred and eighty-one, a thousand, a hundred and fifty-nine, make a hundred and fifty-two million, two hundred and eighty-one, a thousand, one hundred and sixty-one. Mr. Basquale, take my advice. Go home. The number doesn't mean anything. It changes every day. What? Well, certainly as a new baby is born, the number is added to the population. That's a fine advice that you give me. I'm sure to go home and get the barn. No, please, please. None of you understand. I'm a, I'm a, I'm a got a big count. Quiet, quiet, please. That's my boss. All right. Yes, Mr. Gordon. Yeah. I'll take care of it. You got a boss? Yes, he's the head of the census bureau. Then I'm going to see him. Maybe he's got the power to push me into the... I'm warning you. You won't get to see him. Why, he's so busy, he doesn't even go out for lunch. Then what does he do, Starver? No, no, no. He has his lunch sent in to him. Well, goodbye. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. What are you going to do? Nothing. It's not the first time I'm going to make a lunch for somebody. Here's your lunch. Come in. Here you are, sir. Thank you. How much is it? Oh, nothing. I'm going to give you a free charge. What? Just to do me one favor, huh? Push me in the census. What? See, what kind of a lunch is this? I ordered a ham sandwich and coffee. This is a better... That's a pizza and a wine. Oh, you're the chap I was told about. Oh, pleasure, pleasure. Thanks to the pizza, huh? I'm going to make it to my supper. Go on, go ahead. Thanks. This is good. Well... Mmm, not bad. See? Thank you. Oh, I know you're going to like it. Mr. Vasco, I'd like to help you out. But first of all, I think you're needlessly worried. I tried to count everyone, and probably some neighbor gave us the facts about you. All right. I'm going to show me the pepper with my name on it. Well, that's impossible. All the papers are in Washington. All right. I'm awake. You bring them. You don't expect me to fly to Washington. No, all right. They're going to fly me. I'm going to save up and pay you back for the ticket. No, no, that's no use. My name isn't that bad. I'm awake to everything. I'm very sorry, Mr. Vasco. And thank you for the wine and the... Since I'm going to come to America, my biggest dream is that someday I'm sure to be American. And all the ways, all the ways I'll be countered with the American. Well, my part, I would include you, Mr. Vasco, but actually the only way to change the national figure would be for President Truman to announce an official proclamation. Do you think he would do that for you? I don't know. Let's just call him up. Look, I've got to finish some business. I'm sure you're countered. Don't believe me. Then why don't we call up for your department in Washington? Oh, no, no. Go on, I'm a chip-inner with you, half and a half. Mr. Vasco... I'm going to pay everything. It's going to be more than $20 and I'm going to get that. I think... No, please, please. I'm going to be countered. I'll tell you what. I'll do it. Mr. Bliss, will you get me main desk Washington? Check 5-0 census in Shye Metro, Circelle, Luigi, B. Vasco, immediately and give me charges. You sounded just like General McCarty. He's a wonderful man. You sounded just like... Oh. And thank you, Mr. Gordon. You come to my antique shop. I'm not going to give you a pizza all the time. You're going to like better maybe with anchovies and another... or maybe with the peppers. Not too much of garlic, huh? Well... I found you. Vasco, what are you doing here? Keeping you out of trouble. Mr. Senses, the boss, I hope this little pupsqueak is no cause of you out of trouble. Oh, he hasn't. See, he's a mean well. It's just that he's expressed himself with terrible... Now, if you're going to... Hello? Yes? Just a minute. I'll take it down. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Hi, Allen. Thank you. Well... Vasco, you were counted in the last census. Come on, Mummy. Come on, Luigi. It's time to go. I'm surprised you didn't know. Your wife should have told you. My wife? Who? It's her name. Rosa. Rosa. Rosa. Rosa. Vasco. Vasco. Vasco. Vasco. Vasco. Vasco. Vasco. Vasco. Vasco. Vasco. Vasco. Vasco. Vasco. You expected it yesterday. I'm stupid enough to believe that. You're like a picture ain't a borne yet! Sometimes, you're stupid enough to believe a lot of things. I mean, Luigi, you can't blame me. It's what they call a wishful thinking. I'm always a wish. You would have been married to Rosa. Well, Vasco, all right. You was a practice of wishful thinking. Well, now I'm going to do it. What do you mean? See this, a wine bottle? I was only wishing to hit you with it. But now I'm going to do it. I wait for Luigi, my son! And so, Mamma Mia, everything has come out to fine. I'm going to get a census of divorce from Russia, and I'm still the singer. Also, I didn't hit the Pasquale with the wine, because he was a shari, and I paid for the call to Washington. So now, Mamma Mia, if anybody is asking you the population of America, you can hold up your head and say it to Proud, because it's in a clue your lovin' son, Luigi Basco, the little immigrant. Hence, the makers of Wrigley Spearman Chewing Gum hope you've enjoyed tonight's episode of Life with Luigi, and they'd like to remind you that Wrigley Spearman Gum is an ideal treat to get for your whole family. Almost everybody likes to chew gum, and the lively, long-lasting flavor of Wrigley Spearman is a special favorite that always makes a hit. Besides, delicious Wrigley Spearman Gum costs so little that you can treat your family often without affecting your budget. So, for an inexpensive whole family treat that the folks at your home will appreciate, get a few packages of healthful, refreshing Wrigley Spearman Chewing Gum. The makers of Wrigley Spearman Chewing Gum invite you to listen next week at this time when Luigi Basco writes another letter to his Mama Basco in Italy. Life with Luigi is a Psy Howard production, and is directed by Mr. Howard. Mack then off-rights the script with Lou Deman. J. Carol Nash is starred as Luigi Basco with Alan Redis-Basquale, Hobbs-Conrader Schultz, Mary Schiff is misfolding, Joe Forte as Horowitz, and Ken Peters is over. Music is under the direction of Rob Gluskin, Bob Stevenson speaking. CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.