 Section 12 of Five Years of My Life, 1894, 1899. Section 12, Devil's Island, April to November 1897. I now began to receive again the originals of my wife's letters. In April I received but one letter from her that of February 20th. I learned from it that only copies of my letters were sent to her. She wrote in this letter, I have had the joy of receiving another letter from you. I am still happy because of it, although it is but a copy. Your handwriting has always thrilled me. It seemed to me in that way I had something of you. A copy suppresses the delicate intimacy of a letter, and one loses that touch of personality which only the physical handiwork accompanying thought can give. The lack of this impression is one of the most painful of the many minor vexations I have had to endure. Lucy. In May I wrote to my wife, I'll do salute May 4th, 1897. I have received your letters of March with those of the family, and have read them with the same sorrowful emotion that all your letters cause me. I wrote to you some days ago while waiting for your dear letters, and told you that I did not wish to know or even try to understand why obliquy has been heaped upon me. But if, with the help of a pure conscience and the consciousness of duty done, I have been enabled to raise myself above suffering, it does not follow that my heart has not been deeply wounded. But I told you, too, that never has the temptation to yield to discouragement entered my soul, nor must it ever again enter the soul of any one of you. It is terrible to suffer thus, but there can be no consolation for any of us other than the discovery of the truth. However great may be your pain, do not forget that the sacred duty from which nothing must turn you is the re-establishment of our name in all its integrity in the eyes of all France. In times of happiness we do not begin to perceive the strength of the mighty tenderness which the deep recesses of the heart hold for those we love. We need misfortune and the sense of suffering endured by those for whom we would give our last drop of blood to learn the power of it. If you but knew how often in the moments of my anguish I have called to my help the thought of you and of our children to force me to live on. Alfred A few extracts from my wife's letters received at this time. Paris, March 5, 1897 Before having a talk with you I wished to await the arrival of the male, but I cannot curb my impatience or restrain myself any longer. I need to comfort myself by coming to warm my heart at yours to forget for a moment on your breast the maddening thought of this interminable separation. At least when writing you I have a few moments of illusion, my pen, my imagination, and the tension of my will transport me to your side where I long to be, supporting, consoling, and reassuring you, bringing to you the unquenchable hope my heart holds and would infuse into yours. It is only a fugitive moment, but it gives me the happiness of being close to you and I feel that I live again, Lucy. Paris, March 16, 1897 I came for a talk with you a few days ago when full of anxiety and waiting for news. Now I have the dear letters I so ardently desired. Ever since I have been saturating myself with your words I never weary of rereading them. Again as last month I am deprived of the happiness of seeing your handwriting only a copy is given me. You can imagine how my heart bleeds at the loss of the sole comfort which until this summer had not been denied me. What a path of bitterness and grief we have to tread. The little things we must pass over in silence when we compare them to the greatness of our task and yet insensitive natures all wounds bleed. Since it must be let us go forward. We are called upon to fulfill a sacred duty for the sake of our name and that of our children. Let us rise to the heights of our mission not stoop down to these lesser miseries. Though broken by grief at least let us have the satisfaction of duty done. Let us stand fast ever in the purity of conscience hoarding all our energy to bring about our rehabilitation. Lucy On the 6th of June 1897 there was a night alarm which might have had dire consequences. The orders were such that at the least sign on my part of an attempt to escape or of any evidence of help from the outside my life would be imperiled. The guard on duty was to prevent an abduction or escape by the most decisive means. It may be understood with such orders how dangerous for me would be any alarm given to my guards. These orders were shameful for how could I be held responsible for attempts from the outside? If any had been made I should necessarily have been utterly unaware of them. On that date toward nine o'clock in the evening a rocket was sent up from the Isle Royale under pretence that a sailboat had been seen in the gulf formed by the Il San Joseph and the Ildu Diabla the prison commander gave orders to fire a blank cartridge and to have each man take up his fighting position. He came himself with a supplementary guard to reinforce the detachment at the Ildu Diabla. While lying down in my hut with the guard on duty as was the custom each night I was awakened by cannon shots followed by rifle shots and I saw my sentry on guard with his weapon drawn looking at me with fixed attention. I asked, what is the matter? He made no answer. But I paid no attention to passing incidents since my whole mind was taken up with the possessing idea of recovering my honour. I turned over on my bed. That, no doubt, was fortunate for the orders to the guard were preemptory and he probably would have fired at me surprised by the unwanted tumult I had jumped from my bed. On the 10th of August, 1897, I wrote to my wife I have just received your three letters of June and all the letters from the family and I am answering them under the stress of the emotion always aroused by so many sweet souvenirs and the tokens of so much suffering. When I have told you once more of my deep love for you and of my admiration for your noble character I am going to open my soul to you and tell you of that one duty and right which you should renounce only with your life. This right, this duty, as preemptory for my country's sake as for your own, is to strive that the light may shine full upon this horrible drama to will without weakness or boasting but with indomitable energy that from the name our children bear this stain shall be effaced. And this end, Lucy, you should all pursue like patriots who, even though suffering martyrdom never for an instant forget their duty to their country and when the whole truth shall come out as it must eventually ah, well, if I am then no longer with you you must cleanse my memory from this new outrage so undeserved, so unjustifiable far above men, far above their passions far above their errors stands France she will be my final judge. To be an honest man is not merely to be incapable of stealing an honest man is one who can always see himself in that mirror that does not forget that sees everything, that knows everything he is one who has mirrored in his conscience the certainty of having always and everywhere done his duty then, dear and good Lucy do your duty bravely, undeviatingly as a good and valiant French woman who is suffering martyrdom but who is resolved that the name she bears the name that her children bear shall be cleansed from this horrible stain the day must break the limitations of time should no longer mean anything to you indeed I well know that the sentiments which animate me are common to us all to your dear family as to my own I cannot speak to you of the children besides I know you too well to have a moment's doubt as to the manner in which you will bring them up never leave them be with them always heart and soul listen to them always however important it may be their questions as I have often told you to educate children is not merely to provide for their material or even their intellectual life but to assure them of the sympathy of their parents to inspire them with confidence and the certainty that there is always one place where they can unburden their hearts and forget their pains and sorrows trivial though these may often appear to us in these last lines I wish once more to express my deep love for you for our dear children for your dear parents for you all whom I love from the bottom of my heart for all the friends whose thoughts for me I divine whose unalterable devotion I know and to say to you again and again courage, courage to tell you that nothing must shake your will that high above my life hovers the one supreme care the honor of my name, the name our children bear I embrace you with the ardent fire that animates my soul and will be extinguished only with my life Alfred after the building of the outside palisade my hut became utterly unfit for habitation it was deadly from that moment I had no air no light and during the dry season the heat was inexpressibly torrid and stifling in the rainy season it was wretchedly damp in this country where humidity is the great scourge of Europeans the lack of exercise together with the pernicious influence of the climate brought me so low that on the physicians advised they built me a new hut hence during the month of August 1897 when one of the palisades around my walk was taken down to be used in building the palisades of the new hut I was again wholly shut up on the 25th of August 1897 I was taken to my new quarters on a little knoll between the dock and the former leper's camp the lodging was divided into halves by a solid iron grating I was on one side of it the guard on duty on the other so that he could never lose sight of me for an instant grated windows too high to be reached let in the light and a little air later on to the iron bars of the windows was added fine wire screen which prevented proper ventilation then to prevent me from ever approaching the window the only place where I could breathe a little fresh air during these stifling days and nights of Guiana they set up inside the hut before each window two panels that formed with it a triangle with the windows as a base and the apex well within the cell one of the panels was of sheet iron the other a latticework of iron bars the hut was surrounded by a wooden palisade over nine feet high with pointed ends bristling sharply from a stone wall about seven feet high so that all without the sea as well as the island was of course completely shut out from sight in spite of this the new hut being higher and more spacious was better than the old one moreover on one side the palisade had been set further out and there was but one palisade but the dampness penetrated the walls and very often during the heavy rains there were inches of water in the new quarters and from the day of my occupancy vexations increased the attitude of my jailers toward me varied with the changes of the situation in France a situation of which I was in complete ignorance new steps were taken to isolate me yet more if such a thing were possible more than ever I was obliged to maintain a haughty attitude to prevent advantage being taken of me snares were often laid and the guards were directed to ask me insidious questions in my nights of nervous irritation when I was a prey to nightmare the man on guard duty would draw near to my bed trying to catch the words that escaped from my lips during this period prison commandant Daniel instead of limiting himself to the strict duties of his office exercised the low and contemptible trade of a spy he evidently thought that in this way he could curate favor for himself with the administration the following extracts from the general orders of transportation to the Ildou Diabla were posted in my hut Article 22 the transported convict will see to the cleanliness of his hut and the surrounding space allotted to him and he will prepare his own food Article 23 regulations are to be delivered to him and he is authorized to augment these by receiving provisions and liquids in reasonable measure as to which the prison administration shall be the judge the different objects for the use of the transported convict shall be given to him only after minute examination and according to his daily needs Article 24 the convict shall hand to the chief guard all letters and papers written by him Article 26 requests or complaints which the transported convict may have to make can be received only by the chief guard Article 27 during the day the doors of the hut shall be open and until night the convict has the right to go about inside the space enclosed by the palisade any communication with the outside world is forbidden him in case that contrary to the disposition of Article 4 the eventualities of service should require the presence in the island of guards or convicts other than those belonging to the ordinary service he is to be shut up in the hut until their departure Article 28 during the night the place occupied by the convict shall be lighted inside and occupied as during the day by a guard I have since learned that from this time on my guards also received the order to report every one of my gestures and even the changes of expression on my features it may be imagined how these orders were executed but what is graver still is that all these gestures and manifestations of my grief and sometimes of my impatience were interpreted by Danielle with contemptible pernicious malice with a mind as ill-balanced as it was full of vanity this functionary attached immense importance to the least incidents the slightest puff of smoke breaking the monotony of the sky at the horizon was to him a certain sign of a projected rescue and was the excuse for more rigorous measures and for new precautions that a guardianship so understood with its hateful intensity naturally reflected in the attitude of the subordinates was calculated to aggravate immensely my condition can readily be appreciated moreover I know of no torture more nerve-wracking and more insulting to the pride than that which I suffered during five years to have two eyes full of enmity leveled at you day and night every instant and under every condition and never be able to escape or defy them on the fourth of September 1897 I wrote to my wife I have just received your letters of July you tell me again you are certain the full light of day is soon to shine this certainty is also in my soul inspired by the right that is every man's when he asks but one thing the truth as long as I have the strength to live I shall continue to write to you to inspire you with my indomitable spirit indeed the last letters I wrote to you are as it were my mental will and testament this wound indeed bleeds too hard sometimes and the heart revolts worn out as I am I often fall under these sledgehammer blows and then I am only a poor human being full of agony and suffering but my spirit soon revives quivering with pain with energy with implacable desire for the most precious thing in this world our honor the honor of our children the honor of us all and then I brace myself anew to address to the whole world the appeal of a man who asks nothing wants nothing but justice and then too I would incandle in you all the ardent fire that burns in my soul I live only by feverish will from day to day proud when I have won through a long 24 hours I am subjected to the stupid and useless lot of the man in the iron mask because there is always the same afterthought lingering in the mind I told you so frankly in one of my last letters as for you you must not pay any attention to what anyone says or to what anyone thinks you must do your duty unflinchingly and demand not less unflinchingly your right the right of justice and truth yes the light must shine out to speak at length of myself of all my little affairs is useless I do it sometimes in spite of myself for the heart has irrepressible revolts do what I will bitterness mounts from my heart to my lips when I see everything thus misunderstood everything that goes to make life noble and beautiful and truly were it a question of myself alone long ago would I have gone to seek in the peace of the tomb forgetfulness of all that I have seen of all that I have heard of all that I live through each day each time I write to you I can hardly lay down my pen not that I have anything to tell you but because I must leave you again for long days and live only in my thoughts of you Alfred in the mail of July 1897 arriving on the 4th of September was a letter the following extract of which remained an enigma to me the letter of the first of July to which it refers never having reached me Paris, July 15th, 1897 you must have had a better impression from the letter I wrote you on the first of July than from those which went before I was less distressed and the future at least appeared to me under less somber colors we have made an immense step forward toward the truth unhappily I can't tell you no more Lucy in October came a letter of which the following is an extract Paris, October 15th, 1897 I am filled with anxiety at not having news from you for nearly seven weeks there have come no letters I hope it is only a delay that I shall very soon receive a good mail all my joy while waiting for something better is in reading the brave lines you send me and praying that you may be given back to me that I may live in deep happiness at your side and be comforted try not to think or to make your poor brain work do not wear yourself out in fruitless conjectures think only of the end give rest to your poor weary head Lucy then in November Paris, September 1st, 1897 it is with a heart full of happiness that I write to confirm the news I gave you in my letters of last month it is so good to be able to say that we see the clear path opening out before us I can only press upon you to have confidence not to grieve any more and to be certain that we shall attain our end Paris, September 25th, 1897 I will add but one word to my long letters of this month I am happy in the thought that they will inspire you with renewed hope and with the strength to await your rehabilitation I cannot say more to you about it than I have done in my last letters Lucy authors note the letter of the 1st of September and that of the 25th were the only ones of this month which reached me end of note end of section 12 section 13 of 5 years of my life 1894, 1899 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Sue Anderson 5 years of my life 1894, 1899 by Alfred Dreyfus translated from the French section 13 Devil's Island November 1897 to September 1898 I answered these letters ill to salute November 4th, 1897 your letters breathe such an air of confidence that they have brought serenity to my heart tortured so often for you and our dear children you tell me poor darling not to think, not to try to understand oh, try to understand I have never done that it is impossible but how can I stop my thoughts all that I can do is as I have told you to try to wait patiently for the supreme day of the triumph of truth during the past months I have poured out my overburdened heart to you in many letters what would you, for three years I have seen myself the plaything of agencies which are entirely unknown to me but I have never deviated from the absolute rule of conduct that I imposed upon myself that my conscience as a loyal soldier devoted to his country imposed upon me in spite of oneself however bitterness will mount from the heart to the lips anger will take one by the throat and make him cry out in pain formerly I swore never to speak of myself to close my eyes to everything because for me as for you for us all there can be but one real consolation that of truth of unshrouded light but while my too long sufferings the appalling situation the climate which alone is enough to set the brain on fire while all things combined have not made me forget a single one of my duties they have ended by leaving me in a state of nervous prostration that is terrible I understand thoroughly too my darling that you cannot give me details in affairs like this where grave interests are at stake silence is obligatory I chatter on to you though I have nothing to tell you but it does me good it rests my heart and relaxes the tension of my nerves truly my heart is often pierced with grief when I think of you and of our children and then I ask myself what I can have done on this earth that those whom I love the most those for whom I would give my blood drop by drop should be tried by such awful martyrdom but even when the brimming cup overflows the thought of you and the children that thought which makes all my being vibrate and exalts it to the greatest heights gives me the power to rise from the depths of despair I have expressed my resolution plainly to you because I know it is your own and that nothing has ever been able to overcome it it is this feeling together with the remembrance of my duties that has enabled me to live it is this feeling also that has made me ask once more from all of you every cooperation and a stronger effort than ever toward a simple work of justice and reparation leaving all personal feeling and all passion behind may I tell you once more of my affection it is needless for you know it well but I cannot help speaking of it now for the other day I reread all your letters in order that I might pass some of the endless minutes near a loving heart and a great feeling of wonder arose in me at your dignity and courage if the trial found in great misfortunes is the touchstone of noble souls then oh my darling yours is one of the noblest souls of which it is possible to dream Alfred the month of November the month of December 1897 passed without letters at last on the 9th of January 1898 after this harassing delay there came altogether my mail of October and November from which I extract the following passages Paris October 6th 1897 my last letter did not succeed I fear in expressing in its fullness the absolute confidence we all have which has grown steadily stronger since then in the return of our happiness I should like to tell you of the joy I feel at seeing the horizon clearing and at having a glimpse of the end of our sufferings I feel myself wholly incapable of making you share my feelings since for you poor exiled one to the distress of waiting there is always added ignorance of all that we are doing vague sentences the stringing together of words give you little more than the assurance of our deep affection and our oft renewed promise that we shall succeed in restoring you if like me you could understand the progress we have made and the distance we have traversed through the depths of darkness toward the full light how brightened and consoled you would feel it breaks my heart not to be able to tell you all that moves me so deeply and gives me such hope I suffer from the knowledge that you are undergoing a martyrdom which though it must be prolonged physically until the error is officially recognized is at least morally useless and that you are passing through alternations of anguish and hope that might be spared you even while I feel more reassured and tranquil Paris November 17th 1897 I am uneasy at having no letter from you your last dated the 4th of September reached me in the first days of October and since then I have been absolutely without news of you I have never spent myself in complaints and surely I shall not begin now yet God knows I have suffered remaining for weeks and weeks in the maddening distress which a total lack of word from you has caused me I persuade myself from day to day that my torments are about to cease that I am to be reassured so far as I can be while you are suffering but hope on with all your strength how can I tell you of my faith in the outcome and yet stay within the limits permitted to me it is difficult and I can only pledge you my word that within a time very very near your name shall be cleared if I could speak to you openly and tell you all the shifting and unexpected scenes of this frightful drama when this letter arrives in Guyana I hope you will have received the good news for which your soul has been waiting these three long years Lucy when these letters belated as always reached me in January 1898 not only had I not received the good news which they foreshadowed but fixations had redoubled in intensity and the surveillance was still more rigorous from ten guards the number had been increased to 13 sentinels had been placed around my hut the breath of fear and suspicion compassed me about I felt it in the attitude of my jailers it was at this time the power was built higher than the guards' barracks and on its platform a hotchkiss gun was placed so as to command the approaches to the island because of these things I addressed again to the president of the republic and the members of the government the same appeals I had made before in the early days of February 1898 they arrived two letters from my wife dated December 4, 1897 December 26, 1897 these were partial copies of her originals I have since learned that my wife had in discreet terms given me to understand in her letters of August and September that a leaving member of the senate had taken my cause in hand this information of course was suppressed and I learned only on my return to France in 1899 of the courageous initiative taken by Monsieur Schurer-Kestner and not until then did I learn of the events which were taking place in France at the time of this letter one of the extracts given me in a copy from my wife's letter of December 4, 1897 caused me deep sorrow by its pathos I have received two letters from you although you say nothing to me of your sufferings and these letters like the others are filled with dignity and courage I have felt your grief so acutely through them that I must try to bring you some comfort to let you hear a few words of affection from my loving heart whose tenderness and attachment are as you know as deep as they are unchangeable but how many days have passed since you wrote those letters and how much time must still go by until these lines come to remind you that day and night my thoughts are with you that during every hour and every minute of your long torture my soul and heart and all that feels in me thrills in unison with you I am the echo of your cruel sufferings and would give my life to shorten your torture if you knew what sorrow I feel had not been there near you and with what joy I would have accepted the harshest and bitterest life to share your exile to surround you with my affection to heal your wounds as best I might but it is written that we should not have even the consolation of suffering together that we should drain apart to the last drop our cup of bitterness then followed the old, oft-repeated shadowings of hope in reply to this letter I wrote my wife Ildesalu February 7th, 1898 I have just received your dear letters of December and my heart is breaking rent by the consciousness of so much unmerited suffering for the last three months in fever and delirium suffering martyrdom night and day for you and our children I have addressed appeal on appeal to the chief magistrate of the state to the government to those who caused me to be condemned to the end that I may obtain justice after all my torment and end to our terrible martyrdom and I have not been answered today I am reiterating with still more energy if that could be my former appeals to the chief magistrate of the state and to the government for you must no longer be subjected to such martyrdom our children must not grow up dishonored I can no longer suffer in a black hole for an abominable crime that I did not commit and now I am waiting I expect each day to hear that the light of truth is to shine for us at last Alfred in the course of the month of February the rigorous measures were increasingly emphasized and as I had received no reply to my previous appeals to the chief magistrate of the state and to the members of the government I addressed the following letter to the president of the chamber of deputies and to the deputies ill to salute February 28, 1898 Monsieur le president de la chambre de deputies, messieurs les deputies from the day after my condemnation more than three years ago when commandant Dupati Duclem came after I had been sentenced for an abominable crime I had not committed to ask me in the name of the minister of war whether I was innocent or guilty I have declared not only that am I innocent but that I demand the fullest light on the matter I also beg to have investigations made through all the customary channels either through the military attachés or from any other sources open to the government reply was then made to me that higher interest than my own prevented the use of the customary means of investigation owing to the origin of this gloomy and tragical affair of the bourdeurot but that inquiries would be pushed steadily I have waited for three years in the most frightful situation imaginable humiliated and harassed continually and without cause and these researches come to nothing if therefore interests higher than my own have prevented must always prevent the use of the only means of investigation which can finally put an end to the martyrdom of so many human beings and which alone can fully illuminate this matter these same interests surely cannot demand that an innocent wife and children should be sacrificed to them this would be a return to the darkest ages of history when truth was stifled and light was smothered several months ago I appealed to the high sense of justice of the cabinet ministers representing to them the undeserved horror of the situation I now appeal to the deputies begging of them justice for me and mine the whole life of my children hangs in the balance the same letter written in identical words was addressed at the same date to the president and members of the senate these appeals were renewed shortly afterward Missoumaline Premier suppressed these letters they never reached their destination and these letters reached France at the very moment when the author of the crime was glorified while I, ignorant of all events passing there was chained to my rock multiplying appeals crime allowed my innocence to the closed ears of those who were sworn to seek out the truth and uphold the right in March I received my wife's letters of the beginning of January always expressing in vague words the same hope but never clearly explaining the basis of that hope then in April there was complete silence the letters Lucy sent me in the last days of January and February 1898 never reached me as to the letters which I wrote from this time on to my wife never received the originals and we have only mutilated copies of them here are a few extracts from the fragmentary copies of my wife's letters received after this period of silence Paris, March 6th, 1898 although my letters are very commonplace and desperately monotonous I cannot help coming to you you see there are moments when my heart is so swollen and my offerings re-echo in my soul with such force so piercingly that I can no longer control myself the separation weighs too heavily on me it is too cruel in an outburst of my whole being I stretch out my arms to you with a supreme effort I seek to reach you then I believe myself to be near you I speak softly of hope all too soon I am awakened from my dream sharply to reality by a child's voice by some noise from without then I find myself again isolated, sad face to face with my thoughts with your sufferings how unhappy you must have been deprived of all news as you wrote in your letter of the 6th of January never forget when you receive no letters from me that I am with you in thought that I abandon you on your day and that the words cannot give you the expressions of the depths of my love no obstacle can stand in the way of the union of our hearts and thoughts Paris, April 7th, 1898 I have just received your letter of the 5th of March its news is comparatively recent to us who are accustomed to suffer so much from the irregularity of the males and I had an agreeable surprise and a date how misfortunes change one with that resignation we learn to accept the seemingly unendurable when I say that I accept with resignation it is not the exact truth I do not recriminate because until your full innocence is recognized I must live as I do but in the depths of my being there is revolt and wrath and the emotions which have been suppressed during these long years of waiting overflow Paris, June 5th, 1898 here I am again leaning on my table lost in my sad thoughts I have just written you and as happens to me 20 times a day I lose myself in long reveries I run to you thus every moment it is a relaxation to escape from myself and let my thought join my heart always with you in your far-off exile I visit you often so often and since I have not yet been allowed to go and join you I bring you all that is myself my spiritual personality my thought and will and energy and above all my love all intangible things which no human power can control Paris, July 25th, 1898 when the burden of life becomes too heavy to endure I turn from the present call up my happier memories and find new strength to keep up the struggle Lucy this was her only July letter that reached me after that time the original letters were again given to me my days passed in extreme impatience since I understood nothing of what was going on concerning me as to the appeals I had addressed to the Chief Magistrate of the Republic the answer invariably made me was your appeals have been transmitted to the members of the government through the constitutional channels there was nothing more and I kept waiting always for the outcome of my demand for a revision of my trial I was of necessity absolutely ignorant of the new law on revision 1895 that is, from a time when I was already in captivity a request to have a telegraphic correspondence code was refused in the month of August 1898 I wrote my wife although I sent you two long letters by the last mail I will not allow this one to go without sending you an echo of my boundless affection without repeating to you the words that are to sustain your invincible courage the clear consciousness of our duty must make us strong to endure terrible as our destiny may be we must brace our souls to wrestle with fate until it bends to us the words I have for so long been saying to you over and over again are and remain unchangeable my honor is my own it is the patrimony of our children that must be restored to them I have demanded it back from my country I can only hope that our martyrdom may at last end in my former letters I spoke at length of our children and of their sensitiveness of which you complained although I am sure you are bringing up the dear little ones admirably sensibility that which responds to the promptings of mind and heart of the suffering of education what whole can one have on an indolent or insensible nature we must act by moral influence as well for the direction as for the development of the intelligence and such influence can be exercised only over a sensitive being I am not a partisan of corporal punishment although it may sometimes be necessary for children of rebellious nature to be able, led by fear always remains enfeebled a sad countenance and severe manner are sufficient to make a sensitive child comprehend his fault it always does me good to come to you and talk of our children who in happiness were the subject of our familiar conversations and are now our chief reason for living if I listened only to my heart I should write you offener for it seems to me in this way I know it is the mirror's delusion but it comforts me that at the same time and minute you may feel across the space which separates us the beating of a heart that lives only for you and our children a heart that loves you but above everything else rises the worship of honour we must detach ourselves from our internal suffering oppression and injustice arise from causes outside of ourselves beyond our control but our honour is our own the patrimony of our children and their future courageously and tirelessly without impatience but also without weakness we must strive to preserve it unspotted Alfred at the same time I asked by letter and telegram whether by this time some measures had been taken in response to my requests to which I had always received the same non-committal reply your appeal to the president of the republic has been forwarded through the channels provided by the constitution to the members of the government but silence silence was the only answer I obtained driven to attempt to obtain a reply by the use of extreme measures I made the declaration in September 1898 that I should cease my correspondence until I had an answer to my demands for revision this declaration was inexactly transmitted by cable to my wife and it will be seen later on to what complications it gave rise end of section 13 section 14 of five years of my life 1894 1899 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Sue Anderson five years of my life 1894 1899 by Alfred Dreyfuss translated from the French section 14 Devil's Island and the return to France October 1898 June 1899 in October I received my wife's letters written in August in them was always expressed the same vague hope it was impossible for her in her mutilated and often suppressed correspondence to strengthen this hope by precise facts I again renewed my request for a reply to my petitions for revision on the 27th of October 1898 while I was still in ignorance of the appeal for revision made by my wife and of the fact that her appeal had been allowed to come before the court of Cassation Supreme Court to be passed upon by it I was at last told you will soon receive a definite answer to the requests for revision which you have sent to the chief magistrate of the nation I immediately wrote the following letter to my wife October 27th, 1898 a few lines to send you a slight echo of my deep affection and the expression of my great tenderness I have just been informed that I shall soon receive a definite answer to my demands for a revision I am waiting for it calmly and with confidence never doubting that the reply will be my rehabilitation Alfred a few days later early in November I received my September mail in this my wife announced to me that grave events had taken place which I should learn about later and that she had presented a demand for revision which had been received by the government this news coincided with the reply which had been given me on the 27th of October I was still in ignorance of the fact that the request for revision had been transmitted by the government to the Supreme Court and that the hearing had begun on the 16th of November 1898 I received a telegram worded as follows Cayenne November 16th, 1898 Governor to transported convict Dreyfus through the commanding officer at the Ildu Saloo you are informed that the criminal branch of the Supreme Court has declared acceptable inform the application for a revision of your sentence and has ordered that you be notified of this decision and be invited to set forth your defense I understood that the hearing on the merits of the case was now to be opened whereupon I demanded to be put at once into communication with Major Dimage my counsel of 1894 of course I knew nothing of what had been going on during all this time I still thought the Bauderot to be the one document in the case I had nothing to add to the plea I had made before the First Court Marshall and nothing that would affect the evidence concerning the Bauderot I was not aware that the date when the Bauderot was received had been changed thus modifying the hypothesis put forth during the first trial as to the different documents enumerated in the Bauderot I therefore thought the affair a very simple one limited as at the First Court Marshall to a discussion concerning handwriting on the 28th of November 1898 I was authorized to go about from 7 o'clock to 11 in the morning and from 2 to 5 in the afternoon within the limits of the fortified camp by this term was meant the enclosure and up to the guards barracks and my tent and surrounded by a low stone wall my walk was really confined to a passageway under the direct rays of the sun winding among the barracks and their outbuildings but I saw again the sea which I had not seen for more than two years I saw again the meager vegetation of the island my eyes could rest on something beyond the four walls of my prison in December no letter came from my wife none of the letters which she wrote me in October ever reached me I grew impatient and demanded an explanation I asked when the hearing on the merits of the case would open before the Supreme Court I did not know that the hearing had taken place on the 27th, 28th and 29th of October no answer was given me on the 28th of December, 1898 I received the following letter from my wife Paris, November 22nd, 1898 I do not know whether you have received my letters of last month in which I described to you in a general way the steps which we had to take before being able to present formally our demand for revision informing you also of the procedure adopted and the final admission of the application each new success although it made me very happy was poisoned by the thought that you poor unhappy one were in ignorance of the facts and doubtless were beginning to despair finally last week I had the great joy of hearing that the government had sent a cablegram informing you of the admission of our demand for revision 15 days ago I had realized of a letter written by you in which it appears you had declared your resolution of writing no more not even to me Lucy exasperated at so inexact an interpretation of my thought I at once wrote to the governor of Guiana a letter worded very nearly as follows by the letter which I have just received from Madame Dreyfus only in part with a letter which I addressed to you last September declaring to you that I should cease my correspondence while awaiting the answer to the request for revision which I had addressed to the chief magistrate of the nation by the communication of only an extract of my letter a distorted idea of my meaning has been given to my dear wife which must have been more than bitter to her it is therefore a bounden duty for him who it is I do not know and do not wish to know who has committed this deed and upon whom the responsibility for it lies to make reparation I learned that the text which had been made known to my wife was a transmission by cable of my letter and that the letter had been cabled erroneously at the same time I wrote my wife the following letter ill to salute December 26th 1898 I had had no letters from you for two months a few days ago I received your letter of the 22nd of November if I discontinued my correspondence for a time it was because I was waiting for the answer to my demands for revision and could do nothing more than repeat myself since then you must have received numerous letters from me if my voice had ceased to be heard it would have been because it was forever silenced for I have lived only to preserve my honour to do my duty as I have everywhere and always done it without fear or favour Alfred the news I had received during these last months brought me a blessed solace I had never disbared I had never lost faith in the future convinced as I was from the first day that the truth would be known that it was impossible for a crime so odious so utterly foreign to my nature to remain unpunished but as I knew nothing of events passing in France and on the other hand saw my situation becoming daily more terrible being constantly and causelessly insulted born down night and day by the elements the climate and the inhumanity of my jailers I had begun to doubt whether I should live to see the final act of the drama my will was not weakened it remained as inflexible as ever but I had moments of passionate despair over the situation in which my wife and children were placed at last the horizon was brightening I had glimpses of the approaching end of Armada my heart was beginning to throw off its crushing burden I breathed more freely at the end of December I received the public prosecutor's introductory speech of October 15 before the Supreme Court it bewildered me from it I learned of the accusation brought by my brother against Comandant Esther Hase whom I did not know of Esther Hase's acquittal of Henri's forgery followed by his confession and suicide but the bearing of these events was dark to me on the 5th of January 1899 I was examined by the president of the court of appeals of Cayenne commissioned by the Supreme Court to visit the Ildu Diabla and hold an inquiry vast was my astonishment adhering for the first time of my pretended confessions of that malicious distortion of the words I cried out on the day of the degradation words which were a protestation a vehement declaration of my innocence and then again the days and months dragged on without my receiving any definite news I was kept in complete ignorance of the result of the court's investigation every month my wife in letters which as usual reached me after considerable delay and in telegrams told of her hopes that the end would soon come but I could not see it coming in the last days of February I sent as was my custom to present Comandant Daniel my usual request for extra provisions and a few other necessities a month I received nothing I had taken a strict resolution from which I never departed not to complain or to discuss the method of carrying out my sentence for this would have been to admit the principle of it a principle I had never admitted so I said nothing and got along as best I could during the month of March at the end of the month Daniel came to tell me that he had mislaid my demand and begged me to make up another if he had really mislaid it he would have known of it when the boat which brought provisions from Cayenne came back this proceeding of his coincided too exactly with the passage of the loy de desicisement to be a mere coincidence and not the effect of that law at that time I did not know the dirty work which this man had undertaken and I learned it only on my return to France I believed him to be a simple tool all the more that he always took pains to tell me I am only an executive agent and I knew that men are found for every kind of work today I have every reason to think that many of his measures were taken on his own initiative and that the offensive behavior of certain guards was due to him for my part I knew nothing of the loy de desicisement and could not understand the length of the investigation the case seemed to me very simple since I knew only of the boat a row several times I asked for information it is superfluous to say that it was never given me all my will did not weaken during these eight long months in which I was looking daily and hourly for the decision of the Supreme Court my physical and cerebral exhaustion grew more pronounced on Monday the 5th of June 1899 half an hour afternoon the chief guard entered my hut precipitately and handed me the following note quote please let Captain Dreyfus know that the Supreme Court the Court quashes and annulls the sentence pronounced on the 22nd of December 1894 upon Alfred Dreyfus by the first court-martial of the military government of Paris and remains the accused party to a court-martial at Hena etc. the present decision is to be printed and transcribed on the book of records of the first court-martial of the military government at Paris on the margin of the annulled sentence in virtue of this decision Captain Dreyfus ceases to be subjected to the convict regime he becomes a simple prisoner under arrest and is restored to his rank and allowed to resume his uniform see to it that the prison authorities cancel the commitment and withdraw the prison guard from the Ildu Diabla at the same time have the prisoner taken in charge of the commandant of the regular troops and replaced the guards by a squad of gendarmes who will mount guard on the Ildu Diabla according to the regulations of military prisons the cruiser Svex leaves Fort de France today with orders to take the prisoner from the island and bring him back to France communicate to Captain Dreyfus the details of this decision and the departure of the Svex my joy was boundless unutterable at last I was escaping from the cross to which I had been nailed for nearly five years suffering as bitterly in the martyrdom of my dear ones as in my own happiness succeeded the horror of that inexpressible anguish the day of justice was at last dawning for me the court's decision terminated everything I thought and I had not the slightest idea that there remained anything to do but go through some necessary legal formalities of my own story I knew nothing as I said I was still back in 1894 with the Bauderot as the only document in the case with a sentence of the court-martial with that appalling parade of degradation with the cries of death to the traitor I believed in the loyalty of General de Bois d'Ephra I believed in the chief magistrate of the state Félix foray I thought both eager for justice thereafter a veil had fallen before my eyes growing more impenetrable every day the few facts I had learned during the last month were enigmas to me I had learned the name of Esterhazy I had learned of the forgery of Henri and of his suicide I had had only official relations with the true-hearted Lieutenant Colonel Picard the grand struggle undertaken by a few noble minds inspired by the love of truth was utterly unknown to me in the court's decision I had read that my innocence was acknowledged and that nothing more remained but for the court-martial before which I was to appear to make honorable reparation of my rightful judicial error on the same afternoon of the fifth of June I sent the following dispatch to my wife my heart and soul are with you with my children with my friends I leave Friday I wait with uncontrollable joy the moment of supreme happiness when I shall hold you in my arms that evening the squad of gendarmes arrived from Cayenne I saw my jailers depart I seemed to walk in a dream to be emerging from a long and frightful nightmare I waited with anxiety for the arrival of the specs Thursday evening I saw far away the smoke on the horizon and soon recognized the worship but it was too late for me to embark that night thanks to the kindness of the mayor of Cayenne I was able to get a suit of clothes a hat, a little linen in a word the bare necessities for the journey on Friday morning the ninth of June at seven o'clock the prison boat came for me at last I was to quit that cursed island the specs a deep draught ship for that harbor was anchored far away the prison boat took me out to her but I had to wait for two hours before they would receive me aboard the sea was heavy the boat a mere cockle-shell danced disly on the big waves of the Atlantic I was seasick and so were all the others on board about ten o'clock the order came to go alongside I went on board the specs where I was received by the executive officer who took me to the non-commissioned officer's cabin which had been specially prepared for me the window of the cabin had been grated I think this was the operation which occasioned my long wait in the boat the glass door was guarded by an armed sentinel in the evening I knew from the movement of the ship that the specs had weighed anchor and was getting into motion my treatment on board the specs was that of an officer under arrest de regure for one hour in the morning and one hour in the evening the rest of the time I was shut up in my cabin during my stay on board I preserved constantly the attitude which I had maintained from the beginning from a feeling of personal dignity beyond the needs of service I spoke to no one on Sunday the 18th of June we reached the Cape Verde Islands where the specs cold we left there Tuesday the 20th the ship was slow I made not more than eight or nine knots an hour on the 30th of June we sighted the French coast after nearly five years of martyrdom I was coming back to obtain justice the horrible struggle was almost ended I believed that the people had acknowledged their error I expected to find my dear ones waiting to receive me on landing and to see with them comrades awaiting me with open arms and tearful eyes that very day I had my first disillusionment end of section 14 section 15 of five years of my life 1894 1899 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information auto-volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Sue Anderson five years of my life 1894 1899 by Alfred Dreyfuss translated from the French section 15 in France the second court-martial June to September 1899 on the morning of the 30th the specs stopped and I was informed that the boat would come to take me ashore nobody would tell me where the landing was to take place a boat appeared it merely brought the order to keep maneuvering in the open sea my disembarkation was postponed all these precautions these mysterious goings and comings made a singularly painful impression on me I had a vague intuition in them the specs having moved slowly along the coast stopped toward 7 o'clock in the evening it was dark the weather was thick and it was raining I was notified that a steam launch would come for me a little later at 9 o'clock the boat which was to take me to the steam launch was at the foot of the specs' companion way the launch being unable to come near on account of the bad weather the sea had become very rough the wind blew a gale the rain fell heavily the boat tossed by the waves was dancing by the ladder I jumped for it and struck upon the gunwale bruising myself rather severely the boat pulled away affected quite as much by the manner of the transfer as by the cold and penetrating humidity I was seized with a violent chill and my teeth began chattering butting our way crazily through the tossing waves we came up to the steam launch whose ladder I could scarcely climb crippled as I was from the injury to my legs received when I jumped into the boat however I boarded the launch in silence it steamed ahead for a time then stopped I was in total ignorance as to where I was or whither I was going the word had been spoken to me after I had waited an hour or two I was requested to step into the small boat again the night was still black the rain kept pouring down but the sea was calmer I understood that we must be in port at a quarter after two in the morning we landed at a place which I afterward knew was Port Ooligan there I got into a carriage a gendarmerie and two gendarmes between two ranks of soldiers this carriage drove to a railway station at the station always with the same companions and without a word having been addressed to me we got into a train which after two or three hours of travel arrived at another station where we got out there we found another carriage waiting and were conveyed swiftly into a city and into a courtyard I got out and looking about me saw that I was in the military prison at Hannah it was about six o'clock in the morning the succession of emotions to which I was a prey may be imagined bewilderment surprise sadness bitter pain at that kind of a return to my country where I had expected to find men united in common love of truth and justice desirous to make amends for a frightful judicial error I found only anxious faces petty precautions a wild disembarkation on a stormy sea in the middle of the night with physical sufferings added to the trouble of my mind happily during the long sad months of my captivity I had been able to steal my will and nerves and body to an infinite capacity for resistance it was now the first of July at nine o'clock that morning I was told that in a few minutes I should see my wife in the room next to the one I was occupying this room like my own had a wooden grating which shut out the view of the courtyard below it was furnished with a table and chairs here it was that afterward my interviews with my own people and my counsel took place strong as I was violent trembling seized me my tears flowed tears which I had not known for so long a time it is impossible for words to express in their intensity the emotions which my wife and I both felt at seeing each other again joy and grief were blended in our hearts we sought to read in each other's faces the traces of our suffering we wished to tell each other that we felt in our souls to reveal all the feelings suppressed and stifled during these long years but the words died away on our lips we had to content ourselves with trying to throw into our looks all the strength of our affection and of our endurance the presence of a lieutenant of infantry who was stationed there prevented any intimate talk on the other hand there was nothing of the events which had taken place during the past five years and had returned with confidence a confidence that had been much shaken by the varied events of the previous night but I did not dare to question my dear wife for fear of exciting her grief and she preferred leaving to my lawyers the task of informing me my wife was authorized to see me every day for an hour but she also saw in succession all the members of our family and nothing can equal the joy we had in being able to embrace each other after such a separation on the third of July Maitre Demage and Maitre Labori came to see me I threw myself into Maitre Demage's arms and was afterward presented to Maitre Labori my confidence in Maitre Demage and in his wonderful devotion had remained unchanged I felt at once the keenest sympathy with Maitre Labori who had been so eloquent and courageous and advocate of the truth to him I expressed my deep gratitude then Maitre Demage gave me chronologically the history of the affair I listened breathlessly while they strung together for me link by link the fateful chain of events this first exposition Maitre Labori I learned of the long series of misdeeds and disgraceful crimes constituting the indictment against my innocence I was told of the heroism and the great efforts of noble men the unflinching struggle undertaken by that handful of men of lofty character opposing their own courage and honesty to the cabals of falsehood and iniquity I had never doubted that justice therefore Maitre Labori's account of these events was a great blow to me my illusions with regard to some of my former chiefs were gradually dissipated and my soul was filled with anguish I was seized with an overpowering pity and sorrow for that army of France which I loved in the afternoon I saw my dear brother Matthew who had been devoted to me from the very first day and who had remained in the breach during these five years with the courage and wisdom that had been the noblest example of brotherly devotion On the following day, the 4th of July the lawyers handed me the report of the trials of 1898 the investigation of the criminal branch of the Supreme Court and the final hearings before the United Chambers of the same court I read the Zollac trial during the night that followed being able to tear myself away from it I saw how Zollac had been condemned for having upheld the truth I read of General De Boyce-Defres swearing to the authenticity of the letter forged by Henri but as my sadness increased on reading of all these crimes and realizing how men are led astray by their passions a deep feeling of gratitude and admiration arose in my heart all the courageous men learned or ignorant great or humble who had cast themselves valiantly into the struggle and history will record that the honor of France was in this uprising of men of every degree of scholars hitherto buried in the silent labor of study or laboratory of working men engrossed in their hard daily toil in the midst of the nation above purely selfish motives for the supremacy of justice liberty and truth next I read the admirable report prepared for the Supreme Court by Maître Monard and the feeling of esteem with which that inspired me for this eminent lawyer was strengthened when I made his acquaintance and was able to appreciate the rare quality of his intelligence Rising early between four and five o'clock I worked all day long I went through the documents greedily passing from one surprise to another in that formidable mass of facts I learned of the illegality of my trial in 1894 the secret communication to members of the First Court Marshall ordered by General Mercier of forged or irrelevant documents and of the collusion to save the guilty man during this time I received thousands of letters from known and unknown friends from all parts of France of Europe, of the world I have not been able to thank all these friends individually but I wish to tell them here how my heart melted within me at these touching manifestations of sympathy how much good they have done what strength I have drawn from them I have always been sensitive to change of climate and I was now constantly cold and obliged to cover myself warmly although we were in the midst of summer in the last days of the month of July I was taken with violent chills and fever followed by congestion of the liver I was compelled to take to bed but thanks to vigorous treatment was soon on my feet again I then began to confine myself with a diet of milk and eggs which I continued as long as I remained a henna during the trial however I added cola to it so as to be able to withstand the strain and remain on my feet throughout the long and seemingly interminable sittings the opening of the trial was fixed for the 9th of August I had to exercise great restraint for I was anxious about my dear wife the trial was exhausted by the long continued strain and impatient to see the end of this frightful situation I was longing to see again my beloved children who were still in ignorance of everything and to be able to forget in a peaceful home life all the sorrows of the past and to be born again to life I shall not report here the sessions of the henna court-martial of the plainest evidence against all justice and all equity I was condemned and the verdict was announced with extenuating circumstances since when have there been extenuating circumstances for the crime of treason two votes however were given for me two consciences were able to rise above party spirit cleave to the higher ideal and regard only man's inalienable right to justice as to the sentence which five judges dared to pronounce I do not accept it I signed my request for a new trial the day after the sentence an appeal from the verdict of a court-martial can be brought only before the military court of appeals which decides questions purely of form I knew what had already passed after the court-martial of 1894 and founded therefore no hope on such an appeal my aim was to go again before the supreme court and give it opportunity to complete the work of justice which it had begun but at that time I had no means of doing this for in military law in order to go before the supreme court it is necessary to be able to produce either a new fact or a false testimony provisions of the law of 1895 hence my demand for revision before the military courts was merely to gain time I had signed my demand for a revision on the ninth of September on the twelfth of September at six o'clock in the morning my brother Matthew was in my cell authorized by General Dugali Fe minister of war without witnesses a pardon was offered me on condition that I withdraw my demand for revision although expecting nothing from my demand I hesitated to withdraw it for I had no need of a pardon I thirsted for justice but on the other hand my brother told me that my health already greatly shaken left little hope that I could resist much longer under the conditions which I should be placed that liberty would give me greater opportunity to strive for the reparation of the atrocious judicial error of which I was still the victim since it would give me time and time was the only object of my appeal to the military tribunal of revision Matthew added that the withdrawal of my demand was counseled and approved by the men who had been in the press before the world the chief champions of my cause finally I thought of the sufferings of my wife and family of the children whom I had not yet seen and whose memory had haunted me day and night since my return to France accordingly I agreed to withdraw my appeal but at the same time specified unmistakably my absolute and unchangeable intention to follow up the legal revision of the sentence of Hena on the very day of my liberation I published the following expressing my thought and my unconquerable purpose quote the government of the republic gives me back my liberty it is nothing to me without honor beginning with today I shall unremittingly strive for the reparation of the frightful judicial error of which I am still the victim I want all France to know by a final judgment that I am innocent my heart will never be satisfied while there is a single Frenchman who imputes to me the abominable crime which another committed February 1901 end of section 15 end of five years of my life 1894-1899 by Alfred Dreyfus