 You know, Curly there's one thing that bothers me. What's that Ellie? Well, you're an actor and a singer and you got a radio show and you do television guest spots And you play the drums and you play golf and how do you do all those things? Magnificently We're leader in radio first and recorded music and first in television presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye show Enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye show transcribed written by Ed James and Phil Shooken with Elliott Louis Walter Tetley John Hubbard Janine Roos and Whitfield Walter Sharpeness music and yours truly Phil Foreman The title of tonight's little doozy is how long will the genius of lovable laughable Phil Harris go undiscovered or From here to eternity First here's a word from RCA Victor Wherever you are on land on sea or in the air you can eavesdrop on the world with RCA Victor's new seven-band portable radio The Strata world this new RCA Victor is powered to play anywhere even in difficult areas And to make sure you get the best reception possible the new Strata world portable has three antennas One for normal reception a special plane window antenna and a push-button shortwave antenna Just think of it foreign stations like those in Tokyo London and Buenos Aires are Electronically spaced on the dial of this handsome Strata world you can tune them in like local radio stations and this dependable new RCA Victor Strata world beautifully finished in top-grain cow hide Operates on batteries or it's possible to plug it into any electrical outlet the world over No wonder the Strata world portable so wonderfully light weighing only 23 pounds is already standard equipment for seasoned diplomats and World travelers be sure to see and hear the new seven-band Strata world by RCA Victor world leader in radio Now the stars of the RCA Victor program Alice Bay and Bill Harris There's an old saying that every worm will turn But Bill Harris is one worm who hasn't quite made it Today however promises to be different RCA, please drop a line My show is fine, and I'm divine I'd be gorgeous on TV Yes, I love me Oh No, it's art link letter smelling like sunshine Sure as me, who'd you think it was? What's the matter Phil? Are you upset about something upset me? Why should I be upset? I never get upset. I got nerves of iron nerves of steel Something must be wrong. You know what you're drinking water Oh How do you like that now they'll take away my good merit badge Say honey, you'd better get in a good mood. You know I invited mr. McDevitt to dinner now. You've done it now. You've done it Now you spoil my whole day. Oh, I feel mr. McDevitt. There's a fine character for you Now look honey when mr. McDevitt was made head of the record division of RCA You said you wanted to throw him a party Alice, please. I don't want to talk about mr. McDevitt I don't want to think about mr. McDevitt. I don't ever want to hear his name. Mr. McDevitt. Yeah, okay Mr. McDevitt talk about Indians being Indian givers. He takes it away before he even gives it to you Is that all that's worrying you look he promised me a solid gold record and I want but he gave Mario Lanza a gold record He gave dinosaur a gold record and both of them together ain't half as pretty as I am You only get the award for selling a million right I sold a million records. How about preacher November? Well, look honey when mr. McDevitt and what about that's what I like about the south That must have sold a million copies not even counting the Yankees Wait a minute wait a minute and another one young lady. How about the thing? I suppose that didn't sell a million copies my mother's got the roof shingled with The thing sold a million why don't I get that gold record? I got a good mind to walk out on that RCA That's what I got a good mind to do Winter's coming on Hi, girl. Okay, so winter's coming on RCA may be the best, but it ain't the only sponsor in the world Hi, Alice. I'll name two others. Hello, mr. Harris. I'll name a dozen There's a mr. Mrs. Harris. How about the company that sells soap that has a familiar ring. Hello, mr. Mrs. Faye, how many how many does that? So far you've got a clue. Well, I'm thinking honey. I'm just thinking hello Elliot. What are you doing here? Are you sure they sell soap huh positive? Oh, I just happened to be in the neighborhood. I thought I'd drop in Well, so long Elliot drop in Amy old-time Well, I got news for you RCA better watch their peas and cheese. That's all I gotta say Curly hi Alice. Hello, Elliot. I made it Oh hi Elliot, what are you doing here? Oh, I just happened to be in the neighborhood and I thought I'd drop in. Oh, yeah, hey Elliot yes, Curly is Is this the first time you've been in here? Why do you ask Curly I Don't know I Just got a feeling this whole thing happened before and we're playing it back at a more convenient time What's the package Elliot? Mm-hmm package. Oh, I found it on the porch. It's from RCA. RCA Oh, honey. Give me that package. Okay, girl package from RCA. And he just holds it Alice Look at what have you ever seen a package that looks more like a solid-goal record. I'll open it up I'm afraid. I think we ought to soak it in water first I'll put it down. I'll open it. Okay, honey, but now take it easy now. Don't bruise it It's gotta be a gold record, it's gotta be yeah, it's a gold record. How do you like that damn cheap? It's quite Bill you made it. Oh, I made it. You hear that ellie and I made it. I got a gold record It's solid gold boy the teeth they could fill with that thing Oh Yeah, man ways a ton. Let me hold it. Elliot get them pawn shop myths away from me Don't even breathe near it Hey, Alice, you know what we got to do now. We're gonna build a trophy room or something. Oh, you don't have to do that curly I'll stop breathing I Gotta protect this record Elliot. I gotta get something to show it off to mr. McDevitt. Hey, I know what we can do There's a wonderful antique store only five blocks away real high-class. They got all kinds of things trophic cases Display cases. Oh gee, that's what we want. Let's get on there. Come on. Wait a minute, honey Here's the card that came with the record. Well, let me see that Yeah Hey, hey listen this one From RCA Victor and T. McDevitt with sincere appreciation to a great comedian entertainer and vocalist They sure hit it on the head to me I'd say it was more of a glancing blow What does that mean? Well, look curly you're a great guy, and I love you, but Great comedian. Oh, you think I ain't huh? Let me tell you something. Hey stings. I'm a million laughs. You hear me million Let's start with one. Okay You know what, huh? This will fracture you. You know, I got a melon collie girl She's got a shape like a melon and a face like a collie That's pretty good just for throwing it up that's job We want track for now entertainer or vocalist Elliot. Let's get down to that antique shop. Will you early? Entertainer or vocalist, what are you kidding entertainer? Just listen to this How slow me thinks this old moon wanes? It lingers my desire Come fair Apollo our nuptuous hour is near Well, that leaves vocalist Okay, I'm gonna sing and then we're going down to that antique shop, you know something I got a feeling this is going to be the luckiest day of my life They call you lady luck But there is room for doubt at times you have a very un-lady like we Running out You're on a date with me the pickings have been flush and Get before this evening is over. You might give me the brush You might forget your manners you might refuse to stay and So the best that I can do is Luck be a lady tonight Luck be a lady tonight If you've ever been a lady to begin with Let a gentleman see How nice a dame you can be Know the way you've treated other guys you've been with Lady doesn't leave her escort It isn't nice a lady doesn't wander all over the room and blow on some other guy's So let's keep the party polite Never get out of my sight Stick with me baby. I'm the fellow you came in with Luck be a lady tonight We ought to go If you've ever been a lady to begin with Be a lady tonight Let a gentleman see How nice a dame you can be I know the way you treated other guys you've been with Lady doesn't leave her escort It isn't nice a lady doesn't wander all over the room and blow on some other guy's Stick with me baby. I'm the fellow you came in with much further is this antique shop Elliot The antique store so half a block couple hundred feet and you're sure it's a good one now, huh good It's the best They just better have something special for my solid gold record boy. That's all I got to say. Hey curly You got that record for the thing, huh? What a solid slab of shellac You were Sure point out what the thing was I Know what are you talking about? I know what it was. I was there one night Okay. Hey curly What was the thing? Elliot You couldn't expect me to tell you a secret like that Well, I'm your best friend. I know that I really if I tell anybody may I become a page-turner for Liberace? Oh Okay, you're my buddy, huh? You betcha Lean over yeah, hey you ain't gonna believe this What the thing was a What? You mean that it's actually every time Well, if that ain't Why didn't everybody figure it wait a minute Ali wait a minute. Hmm. Hold it. Is this the place the shop? Oh, yeah Classy-looking joint in it. Oh man. You said that right? Look up there. Look at them sterling silver letters JC nickel and sons Look at that platinum doorknob. Well use it. Let's go in yeah, okay Oh Mr. Nickel yeah, I'm Phil Harris and I want to buy a trophy case. I see would that be for pints fifths a quart? No, it's for a record. Oh barrels casks are back Oh Mr. Nickel, hey, what's this thing over here? Oh, you're an observant little rascal is that is a nail-studded contour chair for Indian fakers with weak banks. Hey, you're a triest curling Elliot that's for Indian fakers. That's what I said. You're a triest That was a good I had a feeling this was going to be one of those days and now what do you want red eyes? I Still want the same thing. You see mr. Nickel. I was the one who sang the thing and you want some place to hide I want a trophy case to put my gold record in you see the way the acrylic. I think I got something what is I don't know But ain't it terrific? Yeah, my dear sirs for your information that is a 17th century hutch 17th century rabbits They get that old man what a family they'd have Why they ain't enough carrots and the whole mr. Harris when you will avoid it which seems ridiculous at the moment You probably referred to a hutch as a sideboard. Oh, oh Is that what that is? Hey, wouldn't that be great for your record? Oh sure. Sure. What are you nuts or something? What's that's all I need a 15 foot sideboard for one record? Yeah, 15 foot $300 sideboard wait a minute. Wait a minute. See this place down here. That's just the right size for an RCA Victor 21 inch television set Yeah with magic monitor and automatic tuning you had to get that in Look, you take care of your business now take care of my Go ahead. Yeah, then over here on this side It's just the right size for an RCA Victor automatic changer with a golden throat speaker to match your golden voice Chains of Christopher Ren a 17th century jukebox Hey, but Elliot it's so big. Yeah, let's face it. It's bigger than all of it Wait a minute say mr. Nickel What's that little fence on top for you the things they ask? Is that little fence mr. Wormwood is a plate rail can't see it curly You can put your record on the plate rail then if you get more you'll have room for them, too Hey, it's a whole lot of them wouldn't it I could fill up that whole top with gold records you should live so long Alright, alright, okay, we're gonna take it huh Elliot. I'll write out a check and you tell him where we want it sent Okay, no, we don't send things you carry them carry You mean this no, we don't have to carry this curly. It's got casters. We just push Well, I don't know Elliot it's five blocks. Oh sure, but it's down hill That ought not to be too hard you can push it down there. Okay Elliot grab a hold I get my I pushed over All right, open the door. Let's go. Oh Dear I mustn't waste a moment Hello, Mary if this is John get the children off the street Phil Harris is pushing a sideboard home I Thought you said this was downhill. I don't understand it when we went to the store. It was downhill hold it Hold it a minute. I leave home. Hey buddy over here cross-racket You can't hardly get none of them no more push Elliot. Okay. He got no Alice pay records. Oh, I ain't huh? Well, you just listen today Keep it gay Light keep it fresh keep it fair Let it bloom every night. Give it room give it air Keep your love a lovely dream and never wake it Make it happy and be happy as you make it Let it sing like a nightingale and make keep it gay keep it free Or you'll frighten it away Take it easy and enjoy it while you take it Keep it gay Light keep it fresh keep it fair Let it bloom every night. Give it room give it air Keep your love a lovely dream and never wake it Make it happy and be happy as you make it Let it sing like a nightingale and make keep it gay keep it free Or you'll frighten it and enjoy it while you take it Lee and my driveway Okay, Elliot hold it now. What's a man? Well, it ain't rolling. I think that oh no now both of them backcasters done snapped off well Back to the drawing board on our way Look, maybe if we pick it up. Oh, we find sure if we carry it then we can't see where we're going But look Elliot if we uh-oh what? Look who's coming Why we're taking it to Richmond generally Right Daniel boom Oh, yeah, and we'd like to have it while the Cala lilies are in blue Hey Julius, you're just in time. We need you we need you to see for us Julius no on us look you see when we carry this thing we can't see so will you be a good kid and Stare us around to the den. Well, let me put it this way No Well, let me put it this way Julius if you don't help us, I'll break every bone in your miserable little body Well, that's that one. I'm always happy to help people if they asked me nice Okay, all right, let's go Elliot you lift the front end up Hey, girl, you better take the front end if I walk backwards. I get dizzy in your case. How do you tell? All right, will you stop the talk already look I'll take the front end. Okay, Elliot. Okay. All right. I got it Okay, Julius let you Julius where'd you go? It's heavy enough without you Elliot much. I'm much where's the swimming pool boards in the den Elliot We did it again. My end fits in there perfect. Yeah, it does my end is out What the sideboards bigger than the den? Now what we're gonna do you kid. There's only one thing we can do we got to enlarge the den Curly the porch is back on had a boy, but we got trouble the den so big the porch is blocking the driveway We'll tell him to build a new driveway What's going on in here? What the orchestra the Kleeg lights the grandstand honey mr. McDivitt's gonna be here any second Alice I can't talk right. He's here. Mr. McDivitt's here. He is huh? Hey fellas. He's here Shall I start scattering the rose petals now curly? No, not yet. Willie gets close up Oh fellas is the silliest thing I've ever heard. It is how you're just jealous cuz you never got a solid gold record What's the occasion? What's the celebration for welcome mr. McDivitt welcome to the official opening of the Phil Harris trophy road Why this is ridiculous mr. Harris making all this fuss over a little nipper riddle album over a Wait a minute all everything stop it stop it stop to me You sent me a little nipper riddle album Again naturally we listen to your show again But what about the record I got a solid gold record so that's what happened to it Well, you send it right over to H. O. Pinza whether it belong Allison Phil will be back in just a moment and now here's news of a great anniversary special Offered by RCA estate ranges your chance to make the range buy of a lifetime Of course, you know about the RCA estate range Magnificent new member of the great RCA family Here's the wonderful new range that grills bakes and barbecues all at once a range that cooks automatically That actually turns on when you're out and turns off when dinner's ready Only RCA estate gas and electric ranges bring you such superb features as the barbecue or meat oven or Charcoal done flavor the hideaway grid all for top-of-range grilling and the big roomy balanced heat bake oven Here's America's finest range built for years of dependable service and it bears the great name of RCA and now for a limited time RCA estate offers you big savings on two anniversary special models see your RCA dealer and learn the details now This is Phil again. We're a little late folks. Thanks and good night. Good night, everybody included in this program transcribe were Frank Nelson her butterfield and her biker the part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley this has been an NBC radio network production Whatever make portable radio you own be sure it's equipped with RCA batteries batteries that are radio engineered for extra listening hours RCA is new balance life batteries Make it possible for new style personal size portable radios to play up to ten times longer without Battery change than previous small portable if your portable batteries are weak or old see your local radio service man for fresh long life RCA batteries Engineers does your present job give you all RCA's career advantages RCA needs experienced engineers with bachelor or advanced degrees for development design and manufacturing of electron tubes and specialized electronic equipment right RCA engineering box three four five New York 19 New York Tomorrow here theater Royal at a new time on the NBC radio network You