 What up everybody welcome back to the anxious truth. This is podcast episode number 177 1 7 7 I am drew linsellata creator and host of this fine podcast or what I hope is a fine podcast Today we are going to talk about something called the discomfort of hesitation So I appreciate you coming back welcome back to the program welcome back to the show whether you're listening on Spotify or Apple Podcast or wherever you like to listen to podcast or maybe you're watching on YouTube in which case hit the like button and subscribe to the channel Or maybe you're watching on Spotify because I've been chosen to be a Spotify video podcast ahead of everybody else So I'm pretty excited about that either way. Thank you for coming by. I appreciate you being here the discomfort of hesitation What is this all about? What am I talking about? So so much of this topic that we talk about all the time anxiety anxiety disorders recovery all of that stuff Discomfort and being uncomfortable is a huge part of that. It's huge like it's just woven into everything we talk about So sometimes we talk specifically about discomfort and having to deal with it Sometimes it's just implied in the background, but it's kind of always here, right? There's always discomfort. We're always talking about that So let's talk about that and let's talk about why the discomfort that's caused by hesitation and by hesitation I mean sort of starting and stopping on your exposures, you know I'm gonna do it and then you're back away. I'm gonna do it and back away Also creates discomfort. So let's talk about discomfort as it fits into the topic in general Like if you decide that you are going to do this hard stuff, right? And you're gonna do exposures and you're gonna go toward your fear And you're gonna intentionally do scary things in order to like learn to habituate to them and learn that you can tolerate it Navigate through it all the stuff we talk about, right? If you do that, you are choosing discomfort There's going to be discomfort. You're going to be uncomfortable. You're gonna be afraid You're gonna feel vulnerable. You're gonna be really doing hard and scary things, right? So we always want to acknowledge that there will be discomfort as part of the recovery process always acknowledge it Always always you're doing hard things. So expect to be uncomfortable on the flip side of that If you choose to not do that which everybody has a right to do right while I'm talking about this I might as well mention it like everybody has a right to not choose these things and we all have to respect that, right? But if you choose to not do those things and you want to kind of stay where you are because that is a little bit More comfortable for you you have a right to choose that but there's discomfort that comes there, too Because if you're watching this video or you're listening to this podcast, whatever you're doing Then there's some level of discomfort in your life over where you are, right? So if you are choosing to not do these things yet, you're watching and listening anyway You have to acknowledge that there's discomfort then that discomfort may be a little bit more mental and emotional Because there's a discomfort of feeling like you're missing out feeling that maybe you're failing as a partner as a mom As a business owner whatever it happens to be right So there's discomfort whether you do the hard stuff and there's discomfort if you choose to not do the hard stuff So no matter what happens, there's going to be times when you are uncomfortable Now that discomfort may look different this discomfort looks a little different than that discomfort Nonetheless, you are not guaranteed a nice smooth comfortable ride through this experience. It just doesn't exist There is a third discomfort that this podcast episode this video is all about and that is the discomfort of hesitation so the theory behind this and really the concept that I want to bring up is that Whether you choose to do the scary thing now I'm talking about in general and also on a day-to-day or minute-by-minute basis So I'm really you could boil us right down to like Deciding to do a specific exposure, right or meet a specific challenge I don't know. I have to go to a birthday party today. I haven't done that in a long time really scared So a planned exposure or an unplanned exposure or challenge, whatever it happens to be we can boil it right down to that event Right, whether you choose to do that scary thing Or you choose to not do that scary thing. There's going to be discomfort either way But there is a third discomfort that often gets overlooked and that is the discomfort of hesitation So this is true both on the micro level whether you're talking about one Individual exposure or challenge of this this particular moment in your life or you're talking about your approach to anxiety and recovery in general So there's discomfort if you go down the recovery path There's this comfort if you don't go down the recovery path and there is discomfort if you kind of keep yourself stuck in the middle So this is one of those situations where like if you really wanted to boil it down and grossly oversimplify it I would say pick one Pick to do the hard thing and then do it or pick to not do the hard thing and then don't do it Because let's take the example of being in a situation where there's one specific say challenge or exposure that you have to You have in front of you, right? You've decided to go down this path and there's a particular exposure That's really challenging for you. So it is already challenging before you go into it. You're afraid There's anticipatory anxiety. You're worried that you won't be able to handle it. It's really scary for you It's difficult for you. It's the thing you haven't either haven't done before or haven't done for a very long time so You're going into it already with the idea that this is really going to be hard It's going to really be scary and you're expecting to be uncomfortable and that Expectation of discomfort tends to raise a discomfort level as it is If you choose to not do it you back away from it. I'm not going to do it Then there's the discomfort of I failed I should have done it. I missed an opportunity. I'm never going to get better Like so there's discomfort either way the third discomfort in this example the example of the actual exposure or challenge today Is the discomfort of sticking yourself in no man's land in the middle between doing and not doing? When you do that you are literally shooting yourself boom right in the foot like That is adding a level of extra discomfort and by the way if the Guinness people are listening Call me because I may set the record for using the word discomfort the most number of times in like 15 minutes So give me a ring Anyway, if you put yourself in that situation where you're living in no man's land like I'm gonna do it But I'm not but I don't do it. I'm gonna do it, but I'm gonna back away. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes No, you kind of put yourself in the yes. I'm gonna do this, but no, I'm not I'm gonna do it half way And then bail I'm gonna do it three quarters away Then bail I'm gonna run out the door and then run back in the door Like you choose to do it, but then you actually don't do it But then you don't choose to not do it either which I know I'm talking in circles here But I think you guys get this probably many of you understand this. There's that that hesitation zone Like the indecision zone that's between yes, I'm gonna do the thing and no I'm not gonna do the thing The level of discomfort that you experience in that zone in my opinion in my experience Actually outstrips the level of discomfort that you experience if you actually just complete the exposure Or if you retreat and failures to feel yourself a failure after so discomfort if you do it Discomfort if you don't more discomfort if you stick yourself in no man's land in the middle in the indecisive hesitation zone That's the discomfort of hesitation Why is that so damn uncomfortable? Why does that make it worse and trust me on this? I have been there many many times. I Spent hours and hours of my life Standing at my front door looking at my car on the driveway 20 feet away right seven meters away wherever you happen to be like I spent Hours of my life standing there and opening the door and closing opening the door and closing it backing away Taking off my shoes putting my shoes on walking at the door and they're walking back in the door I have done that I have lived extended amount of time in the the hesitation zone the indecision zone both on the micro level each a day by day minute by minute the actual Exposures I had to do and on the macro level. Yes, I'm gonna do recovery. No, I'm not gonna do recovery I'm gonna do some of it, but not some of it like I lived in the hesitation zone Way too long So I know that that creates a level of discomfort that that actually just outstrips the other two Why because you're gonna be uncomfortable if you do it if you choose to do it you have that Anticipatory anxiety fear and discomfort that builds up if you choose not to do it you have all those feelings of Failure and I'm not gonna get better and I can't get better and what's wrong with me and I'm missing out on life and then you add More anticipation and more feelings of failure So if you're if you're hesitating in the direction of doing recovery or doing this specific exposure And then you back off you're adding a level of anticipatory anxiety and you're building you are ready See it as a level seven challenge before you even started now every time you take two steps into the exposure and then back up And then two steps in and back up you're ratcheting up that level seven seven point two seven point four seven point seven Like you are ratcheting it up to the you have now created it You've taken it from being a difficult task a very challenging task to being an olympian task of gargantuan proportions So every time you take two steps into the exposure and then three steps backwards You are ratcheting up that level of anticipation and the challenge level in your mind just gets insane Like I know you understand this because now you make this hard thing out to be a gargantuanly hard thing Like an Undescribable hard thing you make it get harder and harder and it's it's it's really You're just pouring more gas on the fire and I know this because I used to do that And I deal with people every day that do that And so that by the time you actually take all the steps and you complete that challenge or that exposure There is a sense of holy mackerel. That was so hard Why didn't I just do it the first time like I made it more difficult on myself By hesitating by stopping by start and stop by living in no man's land of indecision Two steps in three steps out. I made it worse for myself So the discomfort of indecision the discomfort of hesitation At the micro level for each individual challenge or exposure that you have to meet is real So that's a tough place to put you in that really is adding discomfort that you don't need to add You're not being very nice to yourself if you do that Now on the macro level there is discomfort and hesitation also That's it. I've had enough of this. I don't want to live like this anymore tomorrow I start I'm going to start doing hard things and you kind of do for a few days and then you back away So that's like hesitation on a more macro level. Maybe not minute to minute, but day to day or week to week And there's discomfort there too So on the macro level if you kind of continually put yourself in uncomfortable Challenging scary situations. There's stress there. There's fatigue. There's a mental strain on there. Yes, you're getting better But it's hard work, right? It's hard work. So that's there's discomfort there If you decide i'm not doing this and you just retreat back to the sofa boy There's a lot of emotional discomfort there too, you know, it's really hard facing your fears You know, it's really hard not facing your fears So we're damned if we do and we're damned we don't but if on the macro level looking at time spans of days or weeks if you're going to kind of Kind of wait into recovery and then back up and then kind and then back up Then the discomfort you create there is more of an emotional discomfort of that failure feeling that the wasted time feeling So you look back two months three months have gone by and like and I haven't made any progress But three months ago you were you would determine that you were going to get better and three months went by because you sort of Waited in the back down and waited in back down. So Here's what we get to in this The discomfort of hesitation living in that no man's land of indecision Whether it's for a specific challenge or exposure or it's on on the larger scale recovery in general Is probably more uncomfortable on an additive level than the discomfort you experience either retreating or going forward In the end So you're making your recovery More challenging that it has to be on the long term the large scale And you're making that individual challenge or exposure Much more difficult than it has to be on the micro scale like the individual event scale So what do I think about this? Like what would I tell you to do in this situation? I kind of think you're better off either decide to do it rip off And I know this is a gross overs simplification I am in no way trying to minimize the challenge Right. So a lot lately on the podcast in the community I've had some great friends and collaborators who've introduced that self compassion And self caring and being nice to yourself in the discussion part of it is always acknowledging that this is really hard So when I say What would I have you do about hesitation? Well, you either have to make your decision Be firm on it rip that band-aid off always acknowledge that you're doing a hard thing And understand there's a struggle that comes with that don't penalize yourself for for struggling You're going to but you either have to decide to do it and actually do it rip off that band-aid and go forward Or you have to decide I'm not ready to do this and I'm going to back up And that holds true On the large scale for recovery in general and also on an individual basis for each challenge that you face So if you decide I'm so my my recovery plan tells me that I am supposed to you know Whatever I'm supposed to drive to the supermarket today And you decide I can't drive to the suit then decide you can't So either do it that critical moment of decision I feel like I can't but I'm gonna do it anyway any follow through And then there will be discomfort, but then you will be it'll be over Right or I can't do this today and then decide to not do it and back up and that's it now When you back up, I'm not saying back up forever throwing the towel and that's it You're never going to recover. You're never going to get better But do not stand in that space indefinitely that day Don't do it Like decide you're not going to do it Take off your shoes go back to the sofa get yourself back together Give yourself a little bit of a break for some amount of time. It might be a half hour It might be an hour. It might be the next day. I don't know This is kind of amorphous here and then go at it again but learn from the retreat experience and use that Retreat experience positively and productively if you can It's way better to do that Like if you're going to retreat then retreat, that's okay We've all done it. Everybody does it. It's not a crime. You're not a failure if you do that And then maybe you have a little bit of a support community you go to maybe you're in my facebook group Maybe you just have recovery groups that you you're a part of you have a therapist You have a coach whatever it happens to be A counselor you can go to that person or go to your support system and say Feeling really bad. I didn't do my exposure today And if you're you have a good support system, you have a good counselor good good guides good Therapists good recovery groups all that stuff then you're going to get that feedback that says, you know what that's okay But let's do it like we know you can do it. You can do this. It's going to be uncomfortable You'll get that encouragement hopefully And then you can use that encouragement to sort of repel you forward to actually do the thing And this applies really if you stretch the timescale out to recovery in general also So I guess the way I'm going to kind of wrap this up It would be to just sort of remind you that there will be discomfort in recovery or not recovery either way We are going to be uncomfortable if we go forward and we are going to be uncomfortable if we choose not to go forward But we will be more uncomfortable if we kind of trap ourselves in this DMZ demilitarized no man's land Of indecision and hesitation I'm going to do it. No Yeah, no, like you are making it worse on yourself Then it has to be so either do it or retreat for a little while and regroup and go at it again Trust me on this one Like I'm guessing that many of you that are watching have experienced this and then when you actually do complete the exposure Or on the long term really on the long term when you are six seven months into your recovery journey And you think of all the time That you started for a few days and then backed up or started for two weeks and then backed up Think about that think about the impact that that had on your recovery journey It doesn't make it impossible. It doesn't mean you're never going to recover But this is already really hard stuff guys like this is difficult. This is challenging It's counter-intuitive goes against all of your instincts to find comfort and safety and Certainty and like you want to feel okay You don't want to feel uncertain and vulnerable and afraid and uncomfortable. You don't want to do that So this is already hard enough as it is Making it harder by sticking yourself in no man's land of indecision hesitation Will bring about the discomfort of hesitation and that is why I named this episode episode number 177 That's why I called it the discomfort of hesitation So hopefully this resonates with you if it does I always want to hear comments questions Whatever you guys have to to you know contribute to this if there's something you don't understand Get me in the facebook group on instagram on youtube Wherever you want to get me ask your questions at great Hopefully this has been helpful to you. Hopefully it's giving you a little something to hang your hat on Maybe a way to change direction a little bit, but there you go. We're going to wrap it up here 17 minutes It's a new record I'm going to try to keep these solo podcasts a little shorter Because I know that a lot of times you guys sort of fall off after 20 25 minutes. I get that I'm going to be more respectful of your time. I promise I can't say I'm going to do it when I have guests because those might run a little longer But at least these will be a little bit shorter So if you listen to the whole thing, I appreciate you hanging in there And as always I'm going to play you out with afterglow. Here it is Right by ben drake my buddy ben drake you can find ben and his music at ben drake music.com So go check him out and tell him I said hello He's a good dude and a good musician If you are listening to the podcast on itunes or some platform that lets you rate and review Then leave a five star rating and then take a second and maybe write a quick review Because if you're digging the podcast and it's helping you the reviews help other people find it and get help as well And that's why I do this and if you're watching on youtube because now I'm putting these on youtube pretty much Go ahead and like the video or leave a comment or subscribe to the channel. It really does help. I appreciate it I really do and of course if you haven't checked out any of my books or any of that stuff Head on over to the anxious truth.com and check it all out. There's a lot of good stuff there So thanks again for coming by. I appreciate you guys hanging out with me I will see you again next week as always enjoy afterglow and remember this is the way