 CHAPTER 38 ON THE SHELF In France, the young girls have a dull time of it till they are married, when Viva la liberté becomes their motto. In America, as everyone knows, girls early sign the Declaration of Independence and enjoy their freedom with Republican zest. But the young matrons usually abdicate with the first air to the throne and go into a seclusion almost as close as a French nunnery, though by no means as quiet. Whether they like it or not, they are virtually put upon the shelf as soon as the wedding excitement is over, and most of them might exclaim, as did a very pretty woman the other day. I must handsome as ever, but no one takes any notice of me because I'm married. Not being a bell or even a fashionable lady, Meg did not experience this affliction till her babies were a year old. For in her little world primitive customs prevailed, and she found herself more admired and beloved than ever. As she was a womanly little woman, the maternal instinct was very strong, and she was entirely absorbed in her children, to the utter exclusion of everything and everybody else. Day and night she brooded over them with tireless devotion and anxiety, leaving John to the tender mercies of the help. For an Irish lady now presided over the kitchen department. Being a domestic man, John decidedly missed the wifely attentions he had been accustomed to receive. But as he adored his babies, he cheerfully relinquished his comfort for a time, supposing with masculine ignorance that peace would soon be restored. But three months passed, and there was no return of repose. Meg looked worn and nervous, the babies absorbed every minute of her time, the house was neglected, and Kitty, the cook, who took life easy, kept him on short commons. When he went out in the morning he was bewildered by small commissions for the captive mama. If he came gaily in at night, eager to embrace his family, he was quenched by a hush. They are just asleep after worrying all day. If he proposed a little amusement at home, no, it would disturb the babies. If he hinted at a lecture or a concert, he was answered with a reproachful look and a decided, leave my children for pleasure, never. His sleep was broken by infant whales and visions of a phantom figure pacing noiselessly to and fro in the watches of the night. His meals were interrupted by the frequent flight of the presiding genius who deserted him, half helped, if a muffled chirp sounded from the nest above. And when he read his paper of an evening, Demi's colic got into the shipping list, and Daisy's fall affected the price of stocks, for Mrs. Brooke was only interested in domestic news. The poor man was very uncomfortable, for the children had bereft him of his wife, home was merely a nursery, and the perpetual hushing made him feel like a brutal intruder whenever he entered the sacred precincts of baby-land. He bore it very patiently for six months, and when no signs of amendment appeared, he did what other paternal exiles do, tried to get a little comfort elsewhere. Scott had married and gone to housekeeping not far off, and John fell into the way of running over for an hour or two of an evening, when his own parlor was empty, and his own wife singing lullabies that seemed to have no end. Mrs. Scott was a lively pretty girl, with nothing to do but be agreeable, and she performed her mission most successfully. The parlor was always bright and attractive, the chessboard ready, the piano in tune, plenty of gay gossip, and a nice little supper set forth in tempting style. John would have preferred his own fireside if it had not been so lonely, but as it was he gratefully took the next best thing and enjoyed his neighbor's society. Meg rather approved of the new arrangement at first, and founded a relief to know that John was having a good time instead of dosing in the parlor, or tramping about the house and waking the children. But by and by when the teething worry was over, and the idols went to sleep at proper hours, leaving Mama time to rest, she began to miss John and find her work-basket dull company, when he was not sitting opposite in his old dressing-gown, comfortably scorching his slippers on the fender. She would not ask him to stay at home, but felt injured because he did not know that she wanted him without being told. Entirely forgetting the many evenings he had waited for her in vain. She was nervous and worn out with watching and worry, and in that unreasonable frame of mind which the best of mothers occasionally experience when domestic cares oppress them, want of exercise robes them of cheerfulness, and too much devotion to that idol of American women, the teapot, makes them feel as if they were all nerve and no muscle. Yes, she would say, looking in the glass, I'm getting old and ugly. John doesn't find me interesting any longer, so he leaves his fated wife and goes to see his pretty neighbor, who has no encumbrances. Well, the babies love me, they don't care if I am thin and pale, and haven't time to crimp my hair. They are my comfort, and some day John will see what I've gladly sacrificed for them, won't he, my precious? To which pathetic appeal Daisy would answer with a coup, or Demi with a crow, and Meg would put by her lamentations for a maternal revel, which soothed her solitude for the time being. But the pain increased as politics absorbed John, who was always running over to discuss interesting points with Scott, quite unconscious that Meg missed him. Not a word did she say, however, till her mother found her in tears one day, and insisted on knowing what the matter was, for Meg's drooping spirits had not escaped her observation. I wouldn't tell anyone would accept you, mother, but I really do need advice. For if John goes on much longer, I might as well be widowed, replied Mrs. Brooke, drying her tears on Daisy's bib with an injured air. Goes on how, my dear, asked her mother anxiously. He's away all day, and at night, when I want to see him, he is continually going over to the Scots. It isn't fair that I should have the hardest work and never any amusement. Men are very selfish, even the best of them. So are women, but don't blame John till you see where you are wrong yourself. But it can't be right for him to neglect me. Don't you neglect him? My mother, I thought you'd take my part. So I do as far as sympathizing goes, but I think the fault is yours, Meg. I don't see how. Let me show you. Did John ever neglect you, as you call it, while you made it a point to give him your society of an evening his only leisure time? No, but I can't do it now with two babies to tend. I think you could, dear, and I think you ought. May I speak quite freely, and will you remember that it's mother who blames as well as mother who sympathizes? Indeed I will. Speak to me as if I were little Meg again. I often feel as if I needed teaching more than ever since these babies looked to me for everything. Meg drew her low chair beside her mother's, and with a little interruption in either lap the two women rocked and talked lovingly together, feeling that the tie of motherhood made them the more one than ever. You have only made the mistake that most young wives make, forgotten your duty to your husband and your love for your children. A very natural and forgivable mistake, Meg, but one that had better be remedied before you take to different ways. For children should draw you nearer than ever, not separate you, as if they were all yours, and John had nothing to do but support them. I've seen it for some weeks, but have not spoken, feeling sure it would come right in time. I'm afraid it won't. If I ask him to stay he'll think I'm jealous, and I wouldn't insult him by such an idea. He doesn't see that I want him, and I don't know how to tell him without words. Make it so pleasant he won't want to go away. My dear, he's longing for his little home, but it isn't home without you, and you are always in the nursery. Aught and I to be there? Not all the time. Too much confinement makes you nervous, and then you are unfitted for everything. Besides, you owe something to John as well as to the babies. Don't neglect husband for children. Don't shut him out of the nursery, but teach him how to help in it. His place is there as well as yours, and the children need him. Let him feel that he has a part to do, and he will do it gladly and faithfully, and it will be better for you all. You really think so, mother? I know it, Meg, for I've tried it, and I seldom give advice unless I've proved its practicability. When you and Joe were little I went on just as you are, feeling as if I didn't do my duty unless I devoted myself wholly to you. Poor father took to his books, after I had refused all offers of help, and left me to try my experiment alone. I struggled along as well as I could, but Joe was too much for me. I nearly spoiled her by indulgence. You were poorly, and I worried about you till I fell sick myself. Then father came to the rescue, quietly managed everything, and made himself so helpful that I saw my mistake, and never have been able to get on without him since. That is the secret of our home happiness. He does not let business wean him from the little cares and duties that affect us all, and I try not to let domestic worries destroy my interest in his pursuits. Each do our own part alone in many things, but at home we work together always. It is so, mother. It is so, mother, and my great wish is to be to my husband and children what you have been to yours. Show me how I'll do anything you say. You always were my docile daughter. Well, dear, if I were you I'd let John have more to do with the management of Demi, for the boy needs training, and it's none too soon to begin. Then I'd do what I have often proposed. Let Hannah come and help you. She is a capital nurse, and you may trust the precious babies to her while you do more housework. You need the exercise. Hannah would enjoy the rest, and John would find his wife again. Go out more. Keep cheerful as well as busy. For you are the sunshine-maker of the family, and if you get dismal there is no fair weather. Then I'd tried to take an interest in whatever John likes, talk with him, let him read to you, exchange ideas, and help each other in that way. Don't shut yourself up in a band box because you are a woman, but understand what is going on, and educate yourself to take your part in the world's work, for it all affects you and yours. John is so sensible, I'm afraid he will think I'm stupid if I ask questions about politics and things. I don't believe he would. Love covers a multitude of sins. And of whom could you ask more freely than of him? Try it, and see if he doesn't find your society far more agreeable than Mrs. Scott's suppers. I will, poor John. I'm afraid I have neglected him, sadly, but I thought I was right, and he never said anything. He tried not to be selfish, but he has felt rather for Lorne fancy. This is just the time, Meg, when young married people are apt to grow apart, and the very time when they ought to be most together. For the first tenderness soon wears off unless care is taken to preserve it. And no time is so beautiful and precious to parents, and no time is so beautiful and precious to parents, as the first years of the little lives given to them to train. Don't let John be a stranger to the babies, for they will do more to keep him safe and happy in this world of trial and temptation than anything else. And through them you will learn to know and love one another as you should. Now, dear, goodbye. Think over mother's preachment, act upon it if it seems good, and God bless you all. Meg did think it over, found it good, and acted upon it, though the first attempt was not made exactly as she planned to have it. Of course the children tyrannized over her, and ruled the house as soon as they found out that kicking and squalling brought them whatever they wanted. Mama was an abject slave to their caprices, but Papa was not so easily subjugated, and occasionally afflicted his tender spouse by an attempt at paternal discipline with his obstreperous son. For Demi inherited a trifle of his sire's firmness of character. We won't call it obstinacy, and when he made up his little mind to have or do anything, all the king's horses and all the king's men could not change that pertinacious little mind. Mama thought the deer too young to be taught to conquer his prejudices, but Papa believed that it never was too soon to learn obedience. So Master Demi early discovered that when he undertook to wrestle with par-par, he always got the worst of it. Yet like the Englishman, Baby respected the man who conquered him, and loved the father whose grave, no-no, was more impressive than all Mama's love-pats. A few days after the talk with her mother, Meg resolved to try a social evening with John. So she ordered a nice supper, set the parlor in order, dressed herself prettily, and put the children to bed early, that nothing should interfere with her experiment. But unfortunately Demi's most unconquerable prejudice was against going to bed, and that night he decided to go on a rampage. It's a poor Meg sang and rocked, told stories, and tried every sleep-provoking while she could devise, but all in vain. The big eyes wouldn't shut, and long after Daisy had gone to Bylo, like the chubby little bunch of good-nature she was, Naughty Demi lay staring at the light with the most discouragingly wide-awake expression of countenance. Will Demi lie still like a good boy while Mama runs down and gives poor Papa his tea, asked Meg, as the hall door softly closed, and the well-known step went tiptoeing into the dining room. Me has tea, said Demi, preparing to join in the revel. No, but I'll save you some little cakeys for breakfast, if you'll go bye-bye like Daisy. Will you, Lovey? Is—and Demi shut his eyes tight as if to catch sleep and hurry the desired day. Having advantage of the propitious moment, Meg slipped away and ran down to greet her husband with a smiling face and a little blue bow in her hair, which was his especial admiration. He saw it at once, and said with pleased surprise, Why, little mother, how gay we are to-night! Do you expect company? Only you, dear. Is it a birthday, anniversary, or anything? No, I'm tired of being dowdy, so I dressed up as a change. You always make yourself nice for table, no matter how tired you are, so why shouldn't I when I have the time? I do it out of respect for you, my dear, said Old Fashion John. Tiddo, ditto, Mr. Brooke, laughed Meg, looking young and pretty again as she nodded to him over the teapot. Well, it's altogether delightful and like old times. This tastes right. I drink your health, dear. And John sipped his tea with an air of reposeful rapture, which was a very short duration, however, for as he put down his cup the door-handle rattled mysteriously, and a little voice was heard saying impatiently, Oh, bidoy, me's tummin'! It's that naughty boy. I told him to go to sleep alone, and here he is, downstairs getting his death a cold, pattering over that canvas, said Meg, answering the call. Mornin' now, announced Demi in joyful tone, as he entered, with his long nightgown gracefully festooned over his arm, and every curl bobbing gaily as he pranced about the table, eyeing the cakeies with loving glances. No, it isn't morning yet. You must go to bed and not trouble, poor mama. Then you can have the little cake with sugar on it. Me loves, par par, said the artful one, preparing to climb the paternal knee and revel in forbidden joys. But John shook his head and said to Meg, If you told him to stay up there and go to sleep alone, make him do it, or he will never learn to mind you. Yes, of course, come, Demi! And Meg led her son away, feeling a strong desire to spank the little marplot, who hopped beside her, laboring under the delusion that the bribe was to be administered as soon as they reached the nursery. Nor was he disappointed. For that short-sighted woman actually gave him a lump of sugar, tucked him into his bed, and forbade any more promenades till morning. Yes, said Demi, the perjured, blissfully sucking his sugar, and regarding his first attempt as eminently successful. Meg returned to her place, and supper was progressing pleasantly when the little ghost walked again, and exposed the maternal delinquencies by boldly demanding, More sugar, Marmar! Now this won't do, said John, hardening his heart against the engaging little sinner. We shall never know any peace till that child learns to go to bed properly. You have made a slave of yourself long enough. Give him one lesson, and then there will be an end of it. Put him in his bed and leave him, Meg. He won't stay there. He never does unless I sit by him. I'll manage him. Demi, go upstairs and get into your bed, as Mama bids you. Sant! replied the young rebel, helping himself to the coveted cakey, and beginning to eat the same with calm audacity. You must never say that to Papa. I shall carry you if you don't go yourself. Go away! Me don't love Par Par! And Demi retired to his mother's skirts for protection. But even that refuge proved unavailing, for he was delivered over to the enemy with a be gentle with him, John, which struck the culprit with dismay, for when Mama deserted him, then the judgment day was at hand. Bereft of his cake, defrauded of his frolic, and borne away by a strong hand to that detested bed, poor Demi could not restrain his wrath, but openly defied Papa, and kicked and screamed lustily all the way upstairs. The minute he was put into bed on one side he rolled out on the other and made for the door, only to be ignominiously caught up by the tail of his little toga and put back again. Which lively performance was kept up till the young man's strength gave out, when he devoted himself to roaring at the top of his voice. This vocal exercise usually conquered Meg, but John sat as unmoved as the post, which is popularly believed to be deaf. No coaxing, no sugar, no lullaby, no story. Even the light was put out, and only the red glow of the fire enlivened the big dark, which Demi regarded with curiosity rather than fear. This new order of things disgusted him, and he howled dismally for marmar, as his angry passions subsided, and recollections of his tender bond woman returned to the captive autocrat. The plaintive wail which succeeded the passionate roar went to Meg's heart, and she ran up to say beseechingly, Let me stay with him, he'll be good now, John. No, my dear, I've told him he must go to sleep, as you bid him, and he must, if I stay here all night. But he'll cry himself sick, pleaded Meg, reproaching herself for deserting her boy. No, he won't. He's so tired he will soon drop off, and then the matter is settled, for he will understand that he has got to mind. I'm going to interfere, I'll manage him. He's my child, and I can't have his spirit broken by harshness. He's my child, and I won't have his temper spoiled by indulgence. Go down, my dear, and leave the boy to me. When John spoke in that masterful tone Meg always obeyed and never regretted her docility. Please, let me kiss him once, John. Certainly, Demi say good night to Mama and let her go and rest, for she is very tired with taking care of you all day. Meg always insisted upon it that the kiss won the victory, for after it was given Demi sobbed more quietly and lay quite still at the bottom of the bed, wither he had wriggled in his anguish of mind. Poor little man, he's worn out with sleep and crying. I'll cover him up and then go set Meg's heart at rest, thought John, creeping to the bedside, hoping to find his rebellious air asleep. But he wasn't. For the moment his father peeped at him, Demi's eyes opened, his little chin began to quiver, and he put up his arms saying with a penitent hiccup, Me toot now! Sitting on the stairs outside, Meg wondered at the long silence which followed the uproar, and after imagining all sorts of impossible accidents, she slipped into the room to set her fears at rest. Demi lay afast asleep, not in his usual spread-eagle attitude, but in a subdued bunch, cuddled close in the circle of his father's arm, and holding his father's finger, as if he felt that justice was tempered with mercy and had gone to sleep a sadder and wiser baby. So held John had waited with a womanly patience till the little hand relaxed its hold, and while waiting had fallen asleep, more tired by that tussle with his son than with his whole day's work. As Meg stood watching the two faces on the pillow, she smiled to herself and then slipped away again, saying in a satisfied tone, I never need fear that John will be too harsh with my babies. He does know how to manage them, and will be a great help, for Demi is getting too much for me. When John came down at last, expecting to find a pensive or approachful wife, he was agreeably surprised to find Meg placidly trimming a bonnet, and to be greeted with the request to read something about the election, if he was not too tired. John saw in a minute that a revolution of some kind was going on, but wisely asked no questions, knowing that Meg was such a transparent little person, she couldn't keep a secret to save her life, and therefore the clue would soon appear. He read a long debate with the most amiable readiness, and then explained it in his most lucid manner, while Meg tried to look deeply interested to ask intelligent questions and keep her thoughts from wandering from the state of the nation to the state of her bonnet. In her secret soul, however, she decided that politics were as bad as mathematics, and that the mission of politicians seemed to be calling each other names, but she kept these feminine ideas to herself, and when John paused, shook her head and said with what she thought diplomatic ambiguity, well, I really don't see what we are coming to. John laughed and watched her for a minute as she poised a pretty little preparation of lace and flowers on her hand, and regarded it with the genuine interest which his harangue had failed to waken. She is trying to like politics for my sake, so I'll try and like millinery for hers. That's only fair, thought John the Just, adding aloud. That's very pretty. Is it what you call a breakfast cap? My dear man, it's a bonnet. My very best go to concert and theatre bonnet. I beg your pardon. It was so small I naturally mistook it for one of the flyaway things you sometimes wear. How do you keep it on? These bits of lace are fastened under the chin with a rosebud, so. And Meg illustrated by putting on the bonnet and regarding him with an air of calm satisfaction that was irresistible. It's a love of a bonnet, but I prefer the face inside, for it looks young and happy again. And John kissed the smiling face to the great detriment of the rosebud under the chin. I'm glad you like it, for I want you to take me to one of the new concerts some night. I really need some music to put me in tune. Will you please? Of course I will, with all my heart, or anywhere else you like. You have been shut up so long. It will do you no end of good, and I shall enjoy it of all things. What put it into your head, little mother? Well, I had a talk with Marmy the other day, and told her how nervous and cross and out of sorts I felt. And she said I needed change and less care. So Hannah is to help me with the children, and I'm to see to things about the house more. And now and then have a little fun, just to keep me from getting to be a fidgety, broken-down old woman before my time. It's only an experiment, John, and I want to try it for your sake as much as for mine, because I've neglected you shamefully lately, and I'm going to make home what it used to be, if I can. You don't object, I hope. Never mind what John said, or what a very narrow escape the little bonnet had from utter ruin. All that we have any business to know is that John did not appear to object, judging from the changes which gradually took place in the house and its inmates. It was not all paradise by any means, but everyone was better for the division of labor system. The children throw under the paternal rule, for accurate, dead-fast John brought order and obedience into baby-dumb, while Meg recovered her spirits and composed her nerves by plenty of wholesome exercise, a little pleasure, and much confidential conversation with her sensible husband. Home grew home like again, and John had no wish to leave it, unless he took Meg with him. The Scots came to the Brooks now, and everyone found the little house a cheerful place, full of happiness, content, and family love. Even Sally Moffat liked to go there. It is always so quiet and pleasant here, it does me good, Meg, she used to say, looking about her with wistful eyes, as if trying to discover the charm that she might use it in her great house, full of splendid loneliness. For there were no riotous, sunny-faced babies there, and Ned lived in a world of his own, where there was no place for her. His household happiness did not come all at once, but John and Meg had found the key to it, and each year of married life taught them how to use it, unlocking the treasuries of real home-love and mutual helpfulness, which the poorest may possess, and the richest cannot buy. This is the sort of shelf on which young wives and mothers may consent to be laid, safe from the restless fret and fever of the world, finding loyal lovers in the little sons and daughters who cling to them, undaunted by sorrow, poverty, or age, walking side by side, through fair and stormy weather, with a faithful friend who is, in the true sense of the good old Saxon word, the house-band, and learning, as Meg learned, that a woman's happiest kingdom is home, her highest honor the art of ruling it, not as a queen, but as a wise wife and mother. CHAPTER 39 LAZY LAWRENCE Lori went to Nice intending to stay a week and remained a month. He was tired of wandering about alone, and Amy's familiar present seemed to give a home-like charm to the foreign scenes in which she bore a part. He rather missed the petting he used to receive, and enjoyed a taste of it again. For no attentions, however flattering from strangers, were half so pleasant as the sisterly adoration of the girls at home. Amy never would pet him like the others, but she was very glad to see him now, and quite clung to him, feeling that he was the representative of the dear family for whom she longed more than she would confess. They naturally took comfort in each other's society, and were much together riding, walking, dancing, or dawdling. For at Nice no one can be very industrious during the gay season. But while apparently amusing themselves in the most careless fashion, they were half-consciously making discoveries and forming opinions about each other. Amy rose daily in the estimation of her friend, but he sank in hers, and each felt the truth before a word was spoken. Amy tried to please, and succeeded, for she was grateful for the many pleasures he gave her, and repaid him with the little services to which womanly women know how to lend an indescribable charm. Lori made no effort of any kind but just let himself drift along as comfortably as possible, trying to forget and feeling that all women owed him a kind word because one had been cold to him. It cost him no effort to be generous, and he would have given Amy all the trinkets and niece if she would have taken them. But at the same time he felt that he could not change the opinion she was forming of him, and he rather dreaded the keen blue eyes that seemed to watch him with such half-sorrowful, half-scornful surprise. All the rest have gone to Monaco for the day. I prefer to stay at home and write letters. They are done now, and I am going to Valrosa to sketch. Will you come, said Amy, as she joined Lori one lovely day when he lounged in, as usual, about noon. Well, yes, but isn't it rather warm for such a long walk? he answered slowly, for the shaded salon looked inviting after the glare without. I am going to have a little carriage, and Baptiste can drive, so you'll have nothing to do but hold your umbrella and keep your gloves nice, returned Amy, with a sarcastic glance at the immaculate kids, which were a weak point with Lori. Then I'll go with pleasure, and he put out his hand for her sketchbook, but she tucked it under her arm with a sharp. Don't trouble yourself, it's no exertion to me, but you don't look equal to it. Lori lifted his eyebrows and followed at a leisurely pace as she ran downstairs. But when they got into the carriage he took the reins himself and left little Baptiste nothing to do but fold his arms and fall asleep on his perch. The two never quarreled. Amy was too well bred, and just now Lori was too lazy, so in a minute he peeped under her hat-brim with an inquiring air. She answered him with a smile, and they went on together in the most amicable manner. It was a lovely drive, along winding roads rich in the picturesque scenes that delight beauty-loving eyes. Here, an ancient monastery, whence the solemn chanting of the monks came down to them, there a bare-legged shepherd in wooden shoes, pointed hat and rough jacket over one shoulder, sat piping on a stone while his goat skipped among the rocks or lay at his feet. Meek, mouse-colored donkeys laden with panniers of freshly cut grass passed by, with a pretty girl and a capelin sitting between the green piles, or an old woman spinning with a distaf as she went. Brown, soft-eyed children ran out from the quaint stone hovels to offer nose-gaze or punches of oranges still on the bow. All the olive trees covered the hills with their dusky foliage. Fruit hung golden in the orchard, and great scarlet anemones fringed the roadside. While beyond green slopes and craggy heights, the maritime alps rose sharp and white against the blue Italian sky. Valrosa well deserved its name. For in that climate of perpetual summer, roses blossomed everywhere. They overhung the archway, thrust themselves between the bars of the great gate, with a sweet welcome to passers-by, and lined the avenue, winding through lemon trees and feathery palms up to the villa on the hill. Every shadowy nook where seats invited one to stop and rest was a mass of bloom. Every cool grotto had its marble nymph smiling from a veil of flowers, and every fountain reflected crimson white or pale pink roses, leaning down to smile at their own beauty. Roses covered the walls of the house, draped the cornices, climbed the pillars, and ran riot over the balustrade of the wide terrace, whence one looked down on the sunny Mediterranean and the white wild city on its shore. This is a regular honeymoon paradise, isn't it? Did you ever see such roses, asked Amy, pausing on the terrace to enjoy the view, and a luxurious whiff of perfume that came wandering by? No, nor felt such thorns, returned Laurie, with his thumb in his mouth, after a vain attempt to capture a solitary scarlet flower that grew just beyond his reach. Try lower down and pick those that have no thorns, said Amy, three of the tiny cream-colored ones that starred the wall behind her. She put them in his buttonhole as a peace offering, and he stood a minute looking down at them with a curious expression. For in the Italian part of his nature there was a touch of superstition, and he was just then in that state of half-sweet, half-bitter melancholy, when imaginative young men find significance in trifles, and food for romance everywhere. He had thought of Joe in reaching after the thorny red rose, for vivid flowers became her, and she had often worn ones like that from the greenhouse at home. The pale roses Amy gave him were the sort that the Italians lay in dead hands, never in bridal wreaths, and for a moment he wondered if the omen was for Joe or for himself. But the next instant his American common sense got the better of his sentimentality, and he laughed a hardier laugh than Amy had heard since he came. It's good advice, you'd better take it and save your fingers, she said, thinking her speech amused him. Thank you, I will, he answered in jest, and a few months later he did it in earnest. Laurie, when are you going to your grandfather, she asked presently, as she settled herself on a rustic seat. Very soon. You have said that a dozen times within the last three weeks. I daresay, short answers save trouble. He expects you, and you really ought to go. Hospitable creature, I know it. Then why don't you do it? Natural depravity, I suppose. What indolence, you mean? It's really dreadful, and Amy looked severe. Not so bad as it seems, for I should only plague him if I went, so I might as well stay and plague you a little longer. You can bear it better. In fact I think it agrees with you excellently, and Laurie composed himself for a lounge on the broad ledge of the balustrade. Amy shook her head and opened her sketchbook with an air of resignation. But she had made up her mind to lecture that boy, and in a minute she began again. What are you doing just now? Watching lizards? No, no. I mean what do you intend and wish to do? Smoke a cigarette if you'll allow me. How provoking you are! I don't approve of cigars, and I will only allow it on condition that you let me put you into my sketch. I need a figure. With all the pleasure in life, how will you have me, full length or three quarters, or my head or my heels? I should respectfully suggest a recumbent posture. Then put yourself in also, and call it dolce far niente. Stay as you are, and go to sleep if you like. I intend to work hard, said Amy, in her most energetic tone. What delightful enthusiasm! And he leaned against a tall urn with an air of entire satisfaction. What would Joe say if she saw you now, asked Amy impatiently, hoping to stir him up by the mention of her still more energetic sister's name? As usual, go away, Teddy, I'm busy, he laughed, as he spoke, but the laugh was not natural, and a shade passed over his face. For the utterance of the familiar name touched the wound that was not healed yet. Both tone and shadow struck Amy, for she had seen and heard them before, and now she looked up in time to catch a new expression on Lori's face, a hard, bitter look, full of pain, dissatisfaction, and regret. It was gone before she could study it, and a listless expression back again. She watched him for a moment with artistic pleasure, thinking how like an Italian he looked, as he lay basking in the sun, with uncovered head and eyes full of southern dreaminess, for he seemed to have forgotten her and fallen into a reverie. You look like the effigy of a young knight asleep on his tomb, she said, carefully tracing the well-cut profile, defined against the dark stone. That's a foolish wish, unless you have spoiled your life. You are so changed, I sometimes think. There Amy stopped, with a half timid, half wistful look, more significant than her unfinished speech. Lori saw and understood the affectionate anxiety which she hesitated to express, and looking straight into her eyes said, just as he used to say it to her mother, it's already her mother. It's all right, ma'am. That satisfied her and said at rest the doubts that had begun to worry her lately. It also touched her, and she showed that it did, by the cordial tone in which she said, I'm glad of that. I didn't think you'd been a very bad boy, but I fancied you might have wasted money at that wicked Baden-Baden, lost your heart to some charming French woman with a husband, or got into some of the grapes that young men seemed to consider a necessary part of a foreign tour. Don't stay out there in the sun. Come and lie on the grass here and let us be friendly, as Joe used to say, when we got into the sofa corner and told secrets. Lori obediently threw himself down on the turf and began to amuse himself by sticking daisies into the ribbons of Amy's hat. That lay there. I'm already for the secrets, and he glanced up with a decided expression of interest in his eyes. I've none to tell. You may begin. Haven't won to bless myself with. I thought perhaps you'd had some news from home. You have heard all that has come lately. Don't you hear often? I fancied Joe would send you volumes. She's very busy. I'm roving about so. It's impossible to be regular, you know. When do you begin your great work of art, Raffaella? he asked, changing the subject abruptly after another pause, in which he had been wondering if Amy knew his secret and wanted to talk about it. Never, she answered, was a despondent but decided air. Rome took all the vanity out of me, for after seeing the wonders there I felt too insignificant to live and gave all my foolish hopes in despair. Why should you with so much energy and talent? That's just why, because talent isn't genius, and no amount of energy can make it so. I want to be great or nothing. I won't be a commonplace dober, so I don't intend to try anymore. And what are you going to do with yourself now, if I may ask? Polish up my other talents and be an ornament to society if I get the chance. It was a characteristic speech and sounded daring, but audacity becomes young people, and Amy's ambition had a good foundation. Laurie smiled, but he liked the spirit with which she took up a new purpose when a long cherished one died and spent no time lamenting. Good, and here is where Fred Vaughn comes in, I fancy. Amy preserved a discreet silence, but there was a conscious look in her downcast face that made Laurie sit up and say gravely. Now I'm going to play brother and ask questions, may I? I don't promise to answer. Your face will if your tongue won't. You aren't woman of the world enough yet to hide your feelings, my dear. I heard rumors about Fred in you last year, and it's my private opinion that if he had not been called home so suddenly and detained so long, something would have come of it, hey? That's not for me to say, was Amy's grim reply, but her lips would smile, and there was a traitorous sparkle of the eye which betrayed that she knew her power and enjoyed the knowledge. You are not engaged, I hope, and Laurie looked very elder brotherly in grave all of a sudden. No. But you will be if he comes back and goes properly down on his knees, won't you? Very likely. Then you are fond of old Fred? I could be if I tried. But you don't intend to try till the proper moment? Bless my soul. What unearthly prudence. He's a good fellow, Amy, but not the man I fancied you'd like. He is rich, a gentleman and has delightful manners, begin Amy, trying to be quite cool and dignified, but feeling a little ashamed of herself in spite of the sincerity of her intentions. I understand. Queens of society can't get on without money, so you mean to make a good match and start in that way? Quite right and proper as the world goes, but it sounds odd from the lips of one of your mother's girls. True, nevertheless. A short speech, but the quiet decision with which it was uttered contrasted curiously with the young speaker. Lori felt this instinctively and laid himself down again with a sense of disappointment which he could not explain. His look and silence, as well as a certain inward self- disapproval, ruffled Amy, and made her resolve to deliver her lecture without delay. I wish you'd do me the favor to rouse yourself a little, she said sharply. Do it for me, there's a dear girl. I could if I tried, and she looked as if she would like doing it in the most summery style. Try then, I give you leave, return Lori, who enjoyed having someone to tease after his long abstinence from his favorite pastime. You'd be angry in five minutes. I'm never angry with you. It takes two flints to make a fire. You are as cool and soft as snow. You don't know what I can do. Snow produces a glow and a tingle if applied rightly. Your indifference is half affectation, and a good stirring up would prove it. Stir away, it won't hurt me, and it may amuse you, as the big man said when his little wife beat him. Regard me in the light of a husband or as a carpet, and beat till you are tired, if that sort of exercise agrees with you. Being decidedly netled herself, and longing to see him shake off the apathy that so altered him, Amy sharpened both tongue and pencil and began. Flo and I have got a new name for you. It's Lazy Lawrence. How do you like it? She thought it would annoy him. But he only folded his arms under his head with an imperturbable. That's not bad. Thank you, ladies. Do you want to know what I honestly think of you? Pining to be told. Well, I despise you. If she had even said I hate you in a petulant or coquettish tone, he would have laughed and rather liked it. But the grave, almost sad accent in her voice, made him open his eyes and ask quickly, Why, if you please? Because with every chance for being good, useful, and happy, you are faulty, lazy, and miserable. Strong language, mademoiselle. If you like it, I'll go on. Pray do, it's quite interesting. I thought you'd find it so. Selfish people always like to talk about themselves. Am I selfish? The question slipped out involuntarily, and in a tone of surprise, for the one virtue in which he prided himself was generosity. Yes, very selfish, continued Amy, in a calm, cool voice, twice as effective just then as an angry one. I'll show you how, for I've studied you while we were frolicking, and I am not at all satisfied with you. Here you have been abroad nearly six months and done nothing but waste time and money and disappoint your friends. Isn't a fellow to have any pleasure after a four-year grind? You don't look as if you'd had much. At any rate, you are none the better for it as far as I can see. I said when we first met that you had improved. Now I take it all back, for I don't think you have so nice as when I left you at home. You have grown abominably lazy. You like gossip and waste time on frivolous things. You are contented to be petted and admired by silly people, instead of being loved and respected by wise ones. With money, talent, position, health, and beauty. Ah, you like that old vanity. But it's the truth, so I can't help saying it. With all these splendid things to use and enjoy, you can find nothing to do but dawdle. And instead of being the man you ought to be, you were only—there she stopped with a look that had both pain and pity in it. St. Lawrence on a gridiron, added Laurie, blandly finishing the sentence. But the lecture began to take effect, for there was a wide-awake sparkle in his eyes now, and a half-angry, half-injured expression replaced the former indifference. I supposed you take it so. You men tell us we are angels and say we can make you what we will. But the instant we honestly tried to do you good, you laugh at us and won't listen, which proves how much your flattery is worth. Amy spoke bitterly, and turned her back on the exasperating martyr at her feet. In a minute a hand came down over the page so that she could not draw. And Laurie's voice said, with a droll imitation of a penitent child, I will be good, oh, I will be good. But Amy did not laugh, for she was an earnest, and tapping on the outspread hand with her pencil said soberly. Aren't you ashamed of a hand like that? It's as soft and white as a woman's, and looks as if it never did anything but wear jovins, best gloves, and pick flowers for ladies. You are not a dandy, thank heaven, so I'm glad to see there are no diamonds or big seal rings on it. Only the little old one Joe gave you so long ago. Dear soul, I wish she was here to help me. So do I. The hand vanished as suddenly as it came, and there was energy enough in the echo of her wish to suit even Amy. She glanced down at him with a new thought in her mind, but he was lying with his hat half over his face, as if for shade, and his mustache hid his mouth. She only saw his chest rise and fall with a long breath that might have been a sigh, and the hand that wore the ring nestled down into the grass as if to hide something too precious or too tender to be spoken of. All in a minute various hints and trifles assumed shape and significance in Amy's mind, and told her what her sister never had confided to her. She remembered that Laurie never spoke voluntarily of Joe. She recalled the shadow on his face just now, the change in his character, and the wearing of the little old ring which was no ornament to a handsome hand. Girls are quick to read such signs and feel their eloquence. Amy had fancied that perhaps a love trouble was at the bottom of the alteration, and now she was sure of it. Her keen eyes filled and when she spoke again it was in a voice that could be beautifully soft and kind when she chose to make it so. I know I have no right to talk so to you, Laurie, and if you weren't the sweetest tempered fellow in the world you'd be very angry with me. But we are all so fond and proud of you. I couldn't bear to think they should be disappointed in you at home as I have been, though perhaps they would understand the change better than I do. I think they would, came from under the hat, in a grim tone, quite as touching as a broken one. They ought to have told me and not let me go blundering and scolding when I should have been more kind and patient than ever. I never did like that, Miss Randall, and now I hate her, said Artful Amy, wishing to be sure of her facts this time. Hang, Miss Randall, and Laurie knocked the hat off his face with a look that left no doubt of his sentiments toward that young lady. I beg pardon, I thought, and there she paused diplomatically. No, you didn't. You knew perfectly well I never cared for anyone but Joe, Laurie said in his old impetuous tone, and turned his face away as he spoke. I did think so, but as they never said anything about it, and you came away, I supposed I was mistaken. And Joe wouldn't be kind to you? Why, I was sure she loved you dearly. She was kind, but not in the right way, and it's lucky for her she didn't love me if I'm the good for nothing fellow you think me. It's her fault, though, and you may tell her so. The hard, bitter look came back again as he said that, and it troubled Amy, for she did not know what balm to apply. I was wrong, I didn't know. I'm very sorry I was so cross. But I can't help wishing you'd bear it better, Teddy dear. Don't, that's her name for me. And Laurie put up his hand with a quick gesture to stop the words spoken in Joe's half-kind, half-reproachful tone. Wait till you've tried it, he added in a low voice, as he pulled up the grass by the handful. I'd take it manfully and be respected if I couldn't be loved, said Amy, with the decision of one who knew nothing about it. Now Laurie flattered himself that he had borne it remarkably well, making no moan, asking no sympathy, and taking his trouble away to live it down alone. Amy's lecture put the matter in a new light, and for the first time it did look weak and selfish to lose heart at the first failure and shut himself up in moody indifference. He felt as if suddenly shaken out of a pensive dream and found it impossible to go to sleep again. Presently he sat up and asked slowly, do you think Joe would despise me as you do? Yes, if she saw you now, she hates lazy people. Why don't you do something splendid and make her love you? I did my best, but it was no use. Graduating well, you mean? That was no more than you ought to have done for your grandfather's sake. It would have been shameful to fail after spending so much time and money when everyone knew that you could do well. I did fail, say what you will, for Joe wouldn't love me, began Laurie, leaning his head on his hand in a despondent attitude. No, you didn't, and you'll say so in the end, for it did you good, and prove that you could do something if you tried. If you'd only set about another task of some sort, you'd soon be your hearty happy self again and forget your trouble. That's impossible. Try it and see. You needn't shrug your shoulders and think much she knows about such things. I don't pretend to be wise, but I am observing, and I see a great deal more than you'd imagine. I'm interested in other people's experiences and inconsistencies, and though I can't explain, I remember and use them for my own benefit. Love, Joe, all your days if you choose, but don't let it spoil you, for it's wicked to throw away so many good gifts because you can't have the one you want. There, I won't lecture any more, for I know you'll wake up and be a man in spite of that hard-hearted girl. Neither spoke for several minutes. Laurie sat turning the little ring on his finger, and Amy put the last touches to the hasty sketch she had been working at while she talked. Presently she put it on his knee merely saying, how do you like that? He looked, and then he smiled, as he could not well help doing, for it was, capital done, the long lazy figure on the grass, with listless face, half shut eyes, and one hand holding a cigar, from which came the little wreath of smoke that encircled the dreamer's head. How well you draw, he said, with a genuine surprise, and pleasure at her skill, adding with a half laugh, yes, that's me. As you are, this is as you were, and Amy laid another sketch beside the one he held. It was not nearly so well done, but there was a life and spirit in it which atoned for many faults. And it recalled the past so vividly that a sudden change swept over the young man's face as he looked. Only a rough sketch of Laurie taming a horse, hat and coat were off, and every line of the active figure, resolute face and commanding attitude, was full of energy and meaning. The handsome brute, just subdued, stood arching his neck under the tightly drawn rain, with one foot impatiently pawing the ground, and ears pricked up as if listening for the voice that had mastered him. In the ruffled mane, the rider's breezy hair and erect attitude, there was a suggestion of suddenly arrested motion of strength, courage, and youthful buoyancy that contrasted sharply with the supine grace of the Dolce Farniente sketch. Laurie said nothing, but as his eye went from one to the other, Amy saw him flush up and fold his lips together as if he read and accepted the little lesson she had given him. That satisfied her, and without waiting for him to speak she said in her sprightly way, Don't you remember the day you played Rary with Puck, and we all looked on? Meg and Beth were frightened, but Joe clapped and pranced, and I sat on the fence and drew you. I found that sketch in my portfolio the other day, touched it up, and kept it to show you. Much obliged! You've improved immensely since then, and I congratulate you. May I venture to suggest, in a honeymoon paradise, that five o'clock is the dinner-hour at your hotel? Laurie rose as he spoke, returned the pictures with a smile and a bow, and looked at his watch, as if to remind her that even moral lectures should have an end. He tried to resume his former easy indifferent air, but it was an affectation now, for the rousing had been more efficacious than he would confess. Amy felt the shade of coldness in his manner and said to herself, Now I've offended him. Well, if it does him good, I'm glad. If it makes him hate me, I'm sorry, but it's true, and I can't take back a word of it. They laughed and chatted all the way home, and little Baptiste, up behind, thought that Monsour and Mademoiselle were in charming spirits, but both felt ill at ease. Friendly frankness was disturbed, the sunshine had a shadow over it, and despite their apparent gaiety there was a secret discontent in the heart of each. Shall we see you this evening, Montfraire? asked Amy, as they parted at her aunt's door. Unfortunately I have an engagement. Au revoir, Mademoiselle! And Laurie bent as if to kiss her hand in the foreign fashion, which became him better than many men. Something in his face made Amy say quickly and warmly. No, be yourself with me, Laurie, and part in the good old way. I'd rather have a hearty English handshake than all the sentimental salutations in France. Goodbye, dear. And with these words uttered in the tone she liked, Laurie left her after a handshake, almost painful in its heartiness. Next morning, instead of the usual call, Amy received a note which made her smile at the beginning and sigh at the end. My dear mentor, please make my adieu to your aunt, and exult within yourself, for Lazy Lawrence has gone to his grandpa like the best of boys. A pleasant winter to you, and may the gods grant you a blissful honeymoon at Valrosa. I think Fred would be benefited by a rouser. Tell him so with my congratulations. Yours, gratefully, telemocous. Good boy, I'm glad he's gone, said Amy, with an approving smile. The next minute her face fell as she glanced about the empty room, adding with an involuntary sigh. Yes, I am glad, but how I shall miss him. CHAPTER 40 THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW When the first bitterness was over, the family accepted the inevitable, and tried to bear it cheerfully, helping one another by the increased affection which comes to bind households tenderly together in times of trouble. They put away their grief, and each did his or her part toward making that last year a happy one. The pleasantest room in the house was set apart for Beth, and in it was gathered everything that she most loved, flowers, pictures, her piano, the little work table, and the beloved pussies. Father's best books found their way there, Mother's easy chair, Joe's desk, Amy's finest sketches, and every day Meg brought her babies on a lovely pilgrimage to make sunshine for Auntie Beth. John quietly set apart a little sum that he might enjoy the pleasure of keeping the invalid supplied with the fruit she loved and longed for. Old Hannah never wearied of concocting dainty dishes to tempt a capricious appetite. Dropping tears as she worked, and from across the sea came little gifts and cheerful letters, seeming to bring breaths of warmth and fragrance from lands that know no winter. Here cherished like a household saint in its shrine sat Beth, tranquil and busy as ever, for nothing could change the sweet, unselfish nature, and even while preparing to leave life she tried to make it happier for those who should remain behind. The feeble fingers were never idle, and one of her pleasures was to make little things for the school children, daily passing to and fro, to drop a pair of mittens from her window for a pair of purple hands, a needle-book for some small mother of many dolls, pen-wipers for young pen-men toiling through forests of pot-hooks, scrap-books for picture-loving eyes, and all manner of pleasant devices, till the reluctant climbers of the latter of learning found their way strewn with flowers, as it were, and came to regard the gentle-giver as a sort of very godmother who sat above there and showered down gifts miraculously suited to their tastes and needs. If Beth had wanted any reward, she found it in the bright little faces always turned up to her window, with nods and smiles and the droll little letters which came to her full of blots and gratitude. The first few months were very happy ones, and Beth often used to look round and say, how beautiful this is, as they all sat together in her sunny room, the babies caking and crowing on the floor, mother and sisters working near, and father reading in his pleasant voice from the wise old books which seemed rich and good and comfortable words, as applicable now as when written centuries ago. A little chapel where a paternal priest taught his flock the hard lessons all must learn, trying to show them that hope can comfort love, and faith make resignation possible. Simple sermons that went straight to the souls of those who listen, for the father's heart was in the minister's religion, and the frequent falter in the voice gave a double eloquence to the words he spoke or read. It was well for all that this peaceful time was given them as preparation for the sad hours to come. For by and by Beth said the needle was so heavy, and put it down for ever. Talking wearied her, faces troubled her, pain claimed her for its own, and her tranquil spirit was sorrowfully perturbed by the ills that vexed her feeble flesh. Ah, me, such heavy days, such long, long nights, such aching hearts and imploring prayers, when those who loved her best were forced to see the thin hands stretched out to them beseechingly, to hear the bitter cry, Help me, help me, and to feel that there was no help. A sad eclipse of the serene soul, a sharp struggle of the young life with death, but both were mercifully brief, and then the natural rebellion over. The old peace returned more beautiful than ever. With the wreck of her frail body Beth's soul grew strong, and though she said little those about her felt that she was ready, saw that the first pilgrim called was likewise the fittest, and waited with her on the shore trying to see the shining ones coming to receive her when she crossed the river. No never left her for an hour since Beth had said, I feel stronger when you are here. She slept on a couch in the room, waking often to renew the fire, to feed, lift, or wait upon the patient creature who seldom asked for anything, and tried not to be a trouble. All day she haunted the room jealous of any other nurse and prouder of being chosen than of any honour her life ever brought her. Precious and helpful hours to Joe, for now her heart received the teaching that it needed. Lessons in patience were so sweetly taught her that she could not fail to learn them. Charity for all, the lovely spirit that can forgive and truly forget unkindness, the loyalty to duty that makes the hardest easy, and the sincere faith that fears nothing but trusts undoubtedly. Often when she woke Joe found Beth reading in her well-worn little book, heard her singing softly to beguile the sleepless night, or saw her lean face upon her hands while slow tears dropped through the transparent fingers, and Joe would lie watching her with thoughts too deep for tears, feeling that Beth, in her simple and selfish way, was trying to wean herself from the dear old life, and fit herself for the life to come. By sacred words of comfort, quiet prayers and the music she loved so well. Seeing this did more for Joe than the wisest servants, the saintliest hymns, the most fervent prayers that any voice could utter. For with eyes made clear by many tears, and a heart softened by the tenderess sorrow, she recognised the beauty of her sister's life, uneventful, unambitious, yet full of the genuine virtues which smell sweet, and blossom in the dust. The self-forgetfulness that makes the humblest on earth remembered soonest in heaven, the true success which is possible to all. One night when Beth looked among the books upon her table, to find something to make her forget the mortal weariness that was almost as hard to bear as pain, as she turned the leaves of her old favourite pilgrim's progress, she found a little paper scribbled over in Joe's hand. The name caught her eye, and the blurred look of the lines made her sure that tears had fallen on it. Poor Joe, she's fast asleep, so I won't wake her to ask leave. She shows me all her things, and I don't think she'll mind if I look at this, thought Beth, with the glance at her sister who lay on the rug, with the tongs beside her, ready to wake up the minute the log fell apart. My Beth Sitting patient in the shadow till the blessed light shall come, a serene and stately present sanctifies our troubled home. Earthly joys and hopes and sorrows break like ripples on the strand, of the deep and solemn river where her willing feet now stand. O my sister passing from me out of human care and strife, leave me as a gift, those virtues which have beautified your life. Dear bequeath me that great patience which has power to sustain, a cheerful uncomplaining spirit in its prison house of pain. Give me, for I need it sorely, of that courage wise and sweet, which has made the path of duty green beneath your willing feet. Give me that unselfish nature that with charity divine. Can pardon wrong for love's dear sake, meek heart, forgive me mine. Thus our parting daily loses something of its bitter pain, and while learning this hard lesson, my great loss becomes my gain. For the touch of grief will render my wild nature more serene. Give to life new aspirations, a new trust in the unseen. Henceforth, safe across the river, I shall see for evermore a beloved household spirit waiting for me on the shore. Hope and faith, born of my sorrow, guardian angels shall become, and the sister gone before me by their hands shall lead me home. Blurred and blotted, faulty and feeble as the lines were, they brought a look of inexpressible comfort to Beth's face. For her one regret had been that she had done so little, and this seemed to assure her that her life had not been useless, that her death would not bring the despair she feared. As she sat with the paper folded between her hands, the charred log fell asunder. Joe started up, revived the blaze, and crept to the bedside hoping Beth slept. Not asleep, but so happy, dear. See, I found this in Reddit. I knew you wouldn't care. Have I been all that to you, Joe? she asked, with wistful, humble earnestness. Oh, Beth! So much! So much! And Joe's head went down upon the pillow beside her sister's. Then I don't feel as if I'd wasted my life. I'm not so good as you make me, but I have tried to do right. And now, when it's too late to begin even to do better, it's such a comfort to know that someone loves me so much, and feels as if I'd helped them. More than anyone in the world, Beth, I used to think I couldn't let you go. But I'm learning to feel that I don't lose you, that you'll be more to me than ever. And death can't part us though it seems to. I know it cannot, and I don't fear it any longer, for I'm sure I shall be your Beth still to love and help you more than ever. You must take my place, Joe, and be everything to Father and Mother when I'm gone. They will turn to you, don't fail them, and if it's hard to work alone, remember that I don't forget you, and you'll be happier doing that than writing splendid books or seeing all the world. For love is the only thing that we can carry with us when we go, and it makes the end so easy. I'll try, Beth. And then and there Joe renounced her old ambition, pledged herself to a new and better one, acknowledging the poverty of other desires, and feeling the blessed solace of a belief in the immortality of love. So the spring days came and went. The sky grew clearer, the earth greener, the flowers were up fairly early, and the birds came back in time to say good-bye to Beth, who, like a tired but trustful child, clung to the hands that had led her all her life. As Father and Mother guided her tenderly through the valley of the shadow and gave her up to God. Seldom, except in books, do the dying utter memorable words, see visions, or depart with beautified countenances. And those who have sped many parting souls know that to most the end comes as naturally and simply as sleep. As Beth had hoped the tide went out easily, and in the dark hour before dawn, on the bosom where she had drawn her first breath, she quietly drew her last, with no farewell but one loving look, one little sigh. With tears and prayers and tender hands, Mother and sisters made her ready for the long sleep that pain would never mar again. Seeing with grateful eyes the beautiful serenity that soon replaced the pathetic patients that had wrung their hearts so long, and feeling with reverent joy that to their darling death was a benignant angel, not a phantom of dread. Wind morning came. For the first time in many months the fire was out, Joe's place was empty, and the room was very still. But a bird sang blithely on a budding bow, close by the snow drops blossomed freshly at the window, and the spring sunshine streamed in like a benediction over the placid face upon the pillow. A face so full of painless peace that those who loved it best smiled through their tears, and thanked God that Beth was well at last. End of Chapter 40 Chapter 41 of Little Women This is the LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Reading by Leanne Howlett Little Women by Louisa May Alcott Chapter 41 Learning to Forget Amy's lecture did Laurie Good, though of course he did not own it till long afterward. Men seldom do, for when women or the advisors, the Lords of Creation don't take the advice till they have persuaded themselves that it is just what they intended to do. Then they act upon it, and if it succeeds, they give the weaker vessel half the credit of it. If it fails, they generously give her the whole. Laurie went back to his grandfather and was so dutifully devoted for several weeks that the old gentleman declared the climate of Nice had improved him wonderfully, and he had better try it again. There was nothing the young gentleman would have liked better, but elephants could not have dragged him back after the scolding he had received. Pride forbid, and whenever the longing grew very strong, he fortified his resolution by repeating the words that had made the deepest impression. I despise you. Go and do something splendid that will make her love you. Laurie turned the matter over in his mind so often that he soon brought himself to confess that he had been selfish and lazy, but then when a man has a great sorrow, he should be indulged in all sorts of vagaries till he has lived it down. He felt that his whited affections were quite dead now, and though he should never cease to be a faithful mourner, there was no occasion to wear his weeds ostentatiously. Joe wouldn't love him, but he might make her respect and admire him by doing something which should prove that a girl's no had not spoiled his life. He had always meant to do something, and Amy's advice was quite unnecessary. He had only been waiting till the aforesaid blighted affections were decently interred. That being done, he felt that he was ready to hide his stricken heart and still toil on. As Guta, when he had a joy or a grief put it into a song, so Laurie resolved to embalm his love sorrow in music and to compose a requiem which would harrow up Joe's soul and melt the heart of every hearer. Therefore the next time the old gentleman found him getting restless and moody and ordered him off, he went to Vienna, where he had musical friends and fell to work with the firm determination to distinguish himself. But whether the sorrow was too vast to be embodied in music or music too ethereal to uplift a mortal woe, he soon discovered that the requiem was beyond him just at present. It was evident that his mind was not in working order yet, and his ideas needed clarifying, for often in the middle of a plaintiff strain, he would find himself humming a dancing tune that vividly recalled the Christmas ball at Nice, especially the stout Frenchman, and put an effectual stop to tragic composition for the time being. Then he tried an opera, for nothing seemed impossible in the beginning, but here again unforeseen difficulties beset him. He wanted Joe for his heroine, and called upon his memory to supply him with tender recollections and romantic visions of his love. But memory churned traitor, and as if possessed by the perverse spirit of the girl, would only recall Joe's oddities, faults, and freaks, would only show her in the most unsentimental aspects, beating mats with her head tied up in a bandana, barricading herself with a sofa pillow, or throwing cold water over his passion a la gummage, and an irresistible laugh spoiled the pensive picture he was endeavoring to paint. Joe wouldn't be put into the opera at any price, and he had to give her up with a, bless that girl what a torment she is, and a clutch at his hair, as became a distracted composer. When he looked about him for another and a less intractable damsel to immortalize in melody, memory produced one with the most obliging readiness. This phantom wore many faces, but it always had golden hair, was enveloped in a diaphanous cloud, and floated airily before his mind's eye in a pleasing chaos of roses, peacocks, white ponies, and blue ribbons. He did not give the complacent wraith any name, but he took her for his heroine and grew quite fond of her as well he might, for he gifted her with every gift and grace under the sun, and escorted her unscathed through trials which would have annihilated any mortal woman. Thanks to this inspiration he got on swimmingly for a time, but gradually the work lost its charm, and he forgot to compose while he sat musing, pen in hand, or roamed about the gay city to get some new ideas and refresh his mind, which seemed to be in a somewhat unsettled state that winter. He did not do much, but he thought a great deal and was conscious of a change of some sort going on in spite of himself. It's genius simmering perhaps. I'll let it simmer and see what comes of it, he said, with a secret suspicion all the while that it wasn't genius, but something far more common. Whatever it was, it simmered to some purpose, for he grew more and more discontented with his desultory life, began to long for some real and earnest work to go at, soul and body, and finally came to the wise conclusion that everyone who loved music was not a composer. Returning from one of Mozart's grand operas, splendidly performed at the Royal Theatre, he looked over his own, played a few of the best parts, sat staring at the busts of Mendelssohn, Beethoven and Bach, who stared benignly back again. Then suddenly he tore up his music sheets one by one, and as the last fluttered out of his hand he said soberly to himself, she is right, talent isn't genius and you can't make it so. That music has taken the vanity out of me as Rung took it out of her and I won't be a humbug any longer. Now what shall I do? That seemed a hard question to answer, and Laurie began to wish he had to work for his daily bread. Now, if ever, occurred an eligible opportunity for going to the devil, as he once forcibly expressed it, for he had plenty of money and nothing to do, and Satan is proverbially fond of providing employment for full and idle hands. The poor fellow had temptations enough from without and from within, but he withstood them pretty well, for much as he valued liberty, he valued good faith and confidence more, so his promise to his grandfather and his desire to be able to look honestly into the eyes of the women who loved him and say, all's well, kept him safe and steady. Very likely some Mrs. Grundy will observe. I don't believe it. Boys will be boys, young men must sew their wild oats and women must not expect miracles. I dare say you don't Mrs. Grundy, but it's true nevertheless. Women work a good many miracles, and I have a persuasion that they may perform even that of raising the standard of manhood by refusing to echo such sayings. Let the boys be boys, the longer the better, and let the young men sew their wild oats if they must. But mothers, sisters, and friends may help to make the crop a small one and keep many terries from spoiling the harvest by believing and showing that they believe in the possibility of loyalty to the virtues which make men manliest in good women's eyes. If it is a feminine delusion, leave us to enjoy it while we may, for without it half the beauty and the romance of life is lost and sorrowful forebodings would embitter all our hopes of the brave, tender-hearted little lads who still love their mothers better than themselves and are not ashamed to own it. Laurie thought that the task of forgetting his love for Joe would absorb all his powers for years, but to his great surprise he discovered it grew easier every day. He refused to believe it at first, got angry with himself and couldn't understand it, but these hearts of ours are curious and contrary things, and time and nature work their will in spite of us. Laurie's heart wouldn't ache. The wound persisted in healing with the rapidity that astonished him, and instead of trying to forget, he found himself trying to remember. He had not foreseen this turn of affairs and was not prepared for it. He was disgusted with himself, surprised at his own fickleness, and full of a queer mixture of disappointment and relief that he could recover from such a tremendous blow so soon. He carefully stirred up the embers of his lost love, but they refused to burst into a blaze. There was only a comfortable glow that warmed and did him good without putting him into a fever, and he was reluctantly obliged to confess that the boyish passion was slowly subsiding into a more tranquil sentiment, very tender, a little sad and resentful still, but that was sure to pass away in time, leaving a brotherly affection which would last unbroken to the end. As the word brotherly passed through his mind in one of his reveries, he smiled and glanced up at the picture of Mozart that was before him. Well, he was a great man, and when he couldn't have one sister, he took the other and was happy. Laurie did not utter the words, but he thought them, and the next instant kissed the little old ring, saying to himself, No, I won't. I haven't forgotten. I never can. I'll try again, and if that fails, why then? Leaving his sentence unfinished, he seized pen and paper and wrote to Joe, telling her that he could not settle to anything while there was the least hope of her changing her mind. Couldn't she, wouldn't she, and let him come home and be happy? While waiting for an answer, he did nothing, but he did it energetically, for he was in a fever of impatience. It came at last and settled his mind effectually on one point, for Joe decidedly couldn't and wouldn't. She was wrapped up in Beth and never wished to hear the word love again. Then she begged him to be happy with somebody else, but always keep a little corner of his heart for his loving sister Joe. In a post-script she desired him not to tell Amy that Beth was worse, and she was coming home in the spring, and there was no need of saddening the remainder of her stay. That would be time enough please, God, but Laurie must write to her often and not let her feel lonely, homesick, or anxious. So I will at once. Poor little girl, it would be a sad going home for her, I'm afraid, and Laurie opened his desk as if writing to Amy had been the proper conclusion of the sentence left unfinished some weeks before. But he did not write the letter that day, for as he rummaged out his best paper he came across something which changed his purpose. Tumbling about in one part of the desk among bills, passports, and business documents of various kinds were several of Joe's letters, and in another compartment were three notes from Amy, carefully tied up with one of her blue ribbons and sweetly suggestive of the little dead roses put away inside. With a half repentant, half-amused expression, Laurie gathered up all Joe's letters, smoothed, folded, and put them neatly into a small drawer of the desk, stood a minute turning the ring thoughtfully on his finger, then slowly drew it off, laid it with the letters, locked the drawer, and went out to hear high mass at St. Stephens, feeling as if there had been a funeral, and though not overwhelmed with affliction, this seemed a more proper way to spend the rest of the day than writing letters to charming young ladies. The letter went very soon, however, and was promptly answered for Amy was homesick and confessed it in the most delightfully confiding manner. The correspondence flourished famously and letters flew to and fro with unfailing regularity all through the early spring. Laurie sold his bus, made all you met of his opera, and went back to Paris, hoping somebody would arrive before long. He wanted desperately to go to Nice, but would not till he was asked, and Amy would not ask him, for just then she was having little experiences of her own, which made her rather wish to avoid the quizzical eyes of our boy. Fred Vaughn had returned and put the question to which she had once decided to answer, yes thank you, but now she said no thank you, kindly but steadily, for when the time came her courage failed her, and she found that something more than money and position was needed to satisfy the new longing that filled her heart so full of tender hopes and fears. The words, Fred is a good fellow, but not at all the man I fancied you would ever like, and Laurie's face when he uttered them kept returning to her as pertinaciously as her own did when she said in look, if not in words, I shall marry for money. It troubled her to remember that now, she wished she could take it back, it sounded so unwomanly. She didn't want Laurie to think of her heartless, worldly creature. She didn't care to be a queen of society now half so much as she did to be a lovable woman. She was so glad he didn't hate her for the dreadful things she said, but took them so beautifully and was kinder than ever. His letters were such a comfort for the home letters were very irregular, not half so satisfactory as his when they did come. It was not only a pleasure but a duty to answer them, for the poor fellow was forlorn and needed petting since Joe persisted in being stony-hearted. She ought to have made an effort and tried to love him. It couldn't be very hard. Many people would be proud and glad to have such a dear boy care for them, but Joe never would act like other girls, so there was nothing to do but be very kind and treat him like a brother. If all brothers were treated as well as Laurie was at this period, they would be a much happier race of beings than they are. Amy never lectured now. She asked his opinion on all subjects. She was interested in everything he did, made charming little presents for him and sent him two letters a week full of lively gossip, sisterly confidences, and captivating sketches of the lovely scenes about her. As few brothers are complimented by having their letters carried about in their sister's pockets, read and reread diligently, cried over when short, kissed when long, and treasured carefully, we will not hint that Amy did any of these fond and foolish things. But she certainly did grow a little pale and pensive that spring, lost much of her relish for society and went out sketching alone a good deal. She never had much to show when she came home, but with studying nature, I dare say, while she sat for hours with her hands folded on the terrace at Valroza, or absently sketched any fancy that occurred to her, a stalwart night carved on a tomb, a young man asleep in the grass with his hat over his eyes, or a curly-haired girl in gorgeous array, promenading down a ballroom on the arm of a tall gentleman, both faces being left a blur according to the last fashion and art, which was safe but not altogether satisfactory. Her aunt thought that she regretted her answer to Fred, and finding denials useless and explanations impossible, Amy left her to think what she liked, taking care that Laurie should know that Fred had gone to Egypt. That was all, but he understood it and looked relieved, as he said to himself with the venerable air. I was sure she would think better of it, poor old fellow. I've been through it all, and I can sympathize. With that he heaved a great sigh, and then, as if he had discharged his duty to the past, put his feet up on the sofa and enjoyed Amy's letters luxuriously. While these changes were going on abroad, trouble had come at home, but the letter telling that Beth was failing never reached Amy, and when the next found her at Vive, for the heat had driven them from Nice in May, and they had traveled solely to Switzerland by way of Genoa and the Italian lakes. She bore it very well and quietly submitted to the family decree that she should not shorten her visit, for since it was too late to say goodbye to Beth, she had better stay and let absence soften her sorrow. But her heart was very heavy. She longed to be at home, and every day looked wistfully across the lake, waiting for Laurie to come and comfort her. He did come very soon, for the same mail brought letters to them both, but he was in Germany and it took some days to reach him. The moment he read it, he packed his knapsack, bet due to his fellow pedestrians, and was off to keep his promise, with a heart full of joy and sorrow, hope, and suspense. He knew Vive well, and as soon as the boat touched the little quay, he hurried along the shore to La Tour, where the carols were living in Pension. The garçon was in despair that the whole family had gone to take a promenade on the lake, but no, the blonde mademoiselle might be in the Chateau Garden. If Monschur would give himself the pain of sitting down, a flash of time should present her. But Monschur could not wait even a flash of time, and in the middle of the speech departed to find mademoiselle himself. A pleasant old garden on the borders of the lovely lake with chestnuts rustling overhead, ivy climbing everywhere, and the black shadow of the tower falling far across the sunny water. At one corner of the wide, low wall was a seat, and here Amy often came to read her work or console herself with a beauty all about her. She was sitting here that day, leaning her head on her hand with a homesick heart and heavy eyes, thinking of Beth and wondering why Laurie did not come. She did not hear him cross the courtyard beyond, nor see him pause in the archway that led from the subterranean path into the garden. He stood a minute looking at her with new eyes, seeing what no one had ever seen before, the tender side of Amy's character. Everything about her mutely suggested love and sorrow, the blotted letters in her lap, the black ribbon that tied up her hair, the womanly pain and patience in her face, even the little ebony cross that her throat seemed pathetic to Laurie, for he had given it to her, and she wore it as her only ornament. If he had any doubts about the reception she would give him, they were set at rest the minute she looked up and saw him. For dropping everything, she ran to him, exclaiming in a tone of unmistakable love and longing, oh Laurie, Laurie, I knew you'd come to me. I think everything was said and settled then, for as they stood together quite silent for a moment, with the dark head bent down protectingly over the light one, Amy felt that no one could comfort and sustain her so well as Laurie, and Laurie decided that Amy was the only woman in the world who could fill Joe's place and make him happy. He did not tell her so, but she was not disappointed for both felt the truth were satisfied and gladly left the rest to silence. In a minute, Amy went back to her place and while she dried her tears, Laurie gathered up the scattered papers, finding in the sight of sundry well-worn letters and suggestive sketches good omens for the future. As he sat down beside her, Amy felt shy again and turned rosy red at the recollection of her impulsive greeting. I couldn't help it. I felt so lonely and sad and was so very glad to see you. It was such a surprise to look up and find you, just as I was beginning to fear you wouldn't come, she said, trying in vain to speak quite naturally. I came the minute I heard. I wish I could say something to comfort you for the loss of dear little Beth, but I can only feel and— He could not get any further, for he too turned bashful all of a sudden and did not quite know what to say. He longed to lay Amy's head down on his shoulder and tell her to have a good cry, but he did not dare, so took her hand instead and gave it a sympathetic squeeze that was better than words. You needn't say anything, this comforts me, she said softly. Beth is well and happy and I mustn't wish her back, but I dread the going home, much as I long to see them all. We won't talk about it now, for it makes me cry and I want to enjoy you while you stay. You needn't go right back, need you. Not if you want me, dear. I do so much. Ant and flow are very kind, but you seem like one of the family and it would be so comfortable to have you for a little while. Amy spoke and looked so like a homesick child whose heart was full that Laurie forgot his bashfulness all at once and gave her just what she wanted, the petting she was used to and the cheerful conversations she needed. Poor little soul, you'd look as if you'd grieved yourself half sick. I'm going to take care of you, so don't cry anymore, but come and walk about with me. The wind is too chilly for you to sit still, he said, in the half caressing, half commanding way that Amy liked, as he tied on her hat, drew her arm through his, and began to pace up and down the sunny walk under the new-leaved chestnuts. He felt more at ease upon his legs and Amy found it pleasant to have a strong arm to lean upon, a familiar face to smile at her and a kind voice to talk delightfully for her alone. The quaint old garden had sheltered many pairs of lovers and seemed expressly made for them, so sunny and secluded was it with nothing but the tower to overlook them, and the wide lake to carry away the echo of their words as it rippled by below. For an hour, this new pair walked and talked or rested on the wall, enjoying the sweet influences which gave such a charm to time and place, and when an unromantic dinner bell worn them away, Amy felt as if she left her burden of loneliness and sorrow behind her in the chateau garden. The moment Mrs. Carroll saw the girl's altered face, she was illuminated with a new idea and exclaimed to herself, Now I understand it all, the child has been pining for young Lawrence, bless my heart, I never thought of such a thing. With praise worthy discretion, the good lady said nothing and betrayed no sign of enlightenment, but cordially urged Laurie to stay and begged Amy to enjoy his society, for it would do her more good than so much solitude. Amy was a model of docility and as her aunt was a good deal occupied with flow, she was left to entertain her friend and did it with more than her usual success. At Nice, Laurie had lounged and Amy had scolded. At the Bay, Laurie was never idle, but always walking, riding, boating, or studying in the most energetic manner, while Amy admired everything he did and followed his example as far and as fast as she could. He said the change was owing to the climate and she did not contradict him, being glad of a like excuse for her own recovered health and spirits. The invigorating air did them both good and much exercise worked wholesome changes in minds as well as bodies. They seemed to get clearer views of life and duty up there among the everlasting hills. The fresh winds blew away desponding doubts, delusive fancies, and moody mists. The warm spring sunshine brought out all sorts of aspiring ideas, tender hopes, and happy thoughts. The lake seemed to wash away the troubles of the past and the grand old mountains to look benignly down upon them saying, little children, love one another. In spite of the new sorrow, it was a very happy time, so happy that Laurie could not bear to disturb it by a word. It took him a little while to recover from his surprise at the cure of his first, and as he firmly believed, his last and only love. He consoled himself for the seeming disloyalty by the thought that Joe's sister was almost the same as Joe's self, and the conviction that it would have been impossible to love any other woman but Amy so soon and so well. His first wooing had been of the tempestuous order, and he looked back upon it as if through a long vista of years with a feeling of compassion blended with regret. He was not ashamed of it, but put it away as one of the bitter sweet experiences of his life, for which he could be grateful when the pain was over. His second wooing, he resolved, should be as calm and simple as possible. There was no need of having a scene, hardly any need of telling Amy that he loved her. She knew it without words and had given him his answer long ago. It all came about so naturally that no one could complain, and he knew that everybody would be pleased, even Joe. But when our first little passion has been crushed, we are apt to be wary and slow in making a second trial. So Laurie let the days pass enjoying every hour and leaving to chance the utterance of the word that would put an end to the first and sweetest part of his new romance. He had rather imagined that the day new mall would take place in the Chateau Garden by moonlight and in the most graceful and decorous manner, but it turned out exactly the reverse, for the matter was settled on the lake at Noonday in a few blunt words. They had been floating about all the morning from Gloomy St. Gingolf to Sonny Montreux with the Alps of Savoy on one side, Mont Saint Bernard and the Dant du Medea on the other, Prudiva Vey in the valley and Lausanne upon the hill beyond, a cloudless blue sky overhead and the Bloor Lake below dotted with the picturesque boats that look like white-winged gulls. They had been talking of Bonnevard as they glided past Chalon and of Rousseau as they looked up at Clarence where he wrote his Hellowees. Neither had read it, but they knew it was a love story and each privately wondered if it was half as interesting as their own. Amy had been dabbling her hand in the water during the little pause that fell between them and when she looked up Laurie was leaning on his oars with an expression in his eyes that made her say hastily, merely for the sake of saying something. You must be tired. Rest a little and let me row. It will do me good for since you came I have been altogether lazy and luxurious I'm not tired but you may take an ore if you like. There's room enough though I have to sit nearly in the middle else the boat won't trim return Laurie as if he rather liked the arrangement. Feeling that she had not mended matters much Amy took the offered third of a seat shook her hair over her face and accepted an ore. She rowed as well as she did many other things and though she used both hands and Laurie but won the oars kept time and the boat went smoothly through the water. How well we pulled together don't we? said Amy who objected to silence just then. So well that I wish we might always pull on the same boat. Will you Amy? Very tenderly. Yes Laurie very low. Then they both stopped rowing and unconsciously added a pretty little tableau of human love and happiness to the dissolving views reflected in the lake. End of Chapter 41 Recording by Leanne Howlett