 She took it, to the grave, but her place of rest became my curse. Imagine losing the love of your life, only to find out you never knew the other person. Double gut punch, with no one left to rage at, but you're left alone to pick up the pieces. The following story will crush your soul. You have been warned. Two months ago, my wife of ten years, I'm 35, she was 34, tragically passed away in a car accident, hit by a drunk driver in broad daylight. I cried non-stop for three days, we were planning on having kids and I had started a good paying job a year earlier and we just purchased our first home just two months before her passing. I just couldn't, and still can't believe she is really gone from my life. It's like just yesterday everything was heading in the right direction and we would soon raise a family together. She seemed happy in our marriage and stated how proud of me she was. The following week after the accident, I received her phone, which was locked. After a week, I found out how to unlock it by an obvious code I didn't think of earlier. I simply just wanted it to keep photos from her memory, photos of us and so forth. But I saw some odd things in her photos, including photos of her in someone else's house, a house which I had never seen before, even some images that were taken in that house that were provocative. I continued scrolling down, but stopped when I saw the most heart-wrenching thing I ever saw, which was her with another man. It was nothing sensual, but they were in a place that was obviously his. And just how close they were, I just knew that this was an affair. On top of that, I recognized him, the guy who my wife had an affair with showed up at her funeral. I felt like I got stabbed in the gut when I realized I've seen him there. I began reading her texts and first I found out that she was on her way back home to me from his place. Three hours before the time of the accident, she text him saying, I'm on my way. I knew that meant he was the last one to see my wife, not only see her but having an intimate moment with her. Also means that she would still be here right now if she wasn't seeing him. I feel like I'm going through the passing of a loved one and a breakup at the same time. She did this behind my back and will never know that I found out. In a way, I feel she got to escape the heartbreak she put me through, although I fully understand passing is much worse and even knowing everything I know, I would never ever wish this or any pain upon her. I found out not only through her texts but her Facebook messages. Something that absolutely enrages me is that she told her closest friend that this guy from work wanted to take her out to dinner. Her friend encouraged her to go out with him. It enrages me because I knew her as well and in person. She was always very nice. But my wife was asking her to get confirmation had she said, No, you are married. Do not go out with him. I honestly feel like she wouldn't have done it. But her best friend's answer was like, Oh, is he hot? Just do it and go have fun. It's just fucking enraging. This happened six months ago when she asked her friend about it. A few days later, she talked to her friend about how after dinner she went to his place and they did it multiple times. When I read that, I got physically sick. I honestly started going through a breakdown, vomiting in the toilet, then crying on the bathroom floor. I just can't imagine that this stuff actually happened. But it did. How could she do this? But as the days passed and the initial shock began to slow down, I started piecing things together. At the funeral, I noticed something a little unusual, which was this best friend of hers talking to one of her coworkers. She was a friend of my wife from high school and there was no reason she should have known any of my wife's coworkers. But she was in fact talking to the coworker who my wife had the affair with. When she saw me looking over to her, she came and talked to me, even gave me a hug. The guy who my wife was having an affair with came with her and shook my hand. Something about that just makes me feel sick, like I was being humiliated in a moment of grief. There they were, him and her best friend, who knew about her affair. I couldn't help but wonder, did her coworkers also know? It's been a month and I feel no closer to breaking away from the heartbreak. I miss her, I want her to be alive. If she was, I would probably even want to fix our marriage. But she's not here anymore. I still couldn't bring myself to read all of her texts messages with him. There is hundreds and some are explicit. My blood boils and my heart aches when I open their texts. Every time I get hit with anxiety and an adrenaline rush, palms get sweaty and my hands tremble to the point they shake. But I feel it's important I know everything. It just breaks my heart this guy did things with my wife. She wouldn't do for me. The thing that blows my mind the most is that there were no warning signs at all, not even one. Our marriage was good. She never did anything suspicious. Our bedroom life went on as normal, just zero warning signs about it, other than the fact she started wearing a little more makeup than usual. Then I blame myself for not catching on. Maybe this all could have been prevented. Maybe I should have done this or that. I am broken and don't see myself ever being happy again. Thanks everyone for all the support. I honestly didn't expect so much response. Everyone who wished me well. Thank you and know that your kind words give me strength. I confronted her friend and I've got a response back from her, stating that she is deeply sorry for encouraging the behavior and not taking my feelings into account. She never wanted me hurt and yada yada. Honestly, I don't feel any relief from her apologies. About the phone, I can't bring myself to destroy all the truth. I feel like I must read through the entirety of my wife's texts with this man, or I will forever go crazy wondering what did and didn't occur, how often and maybe get some answers on if they were lovers, or was it just lust, or what did she plan on doing? Obviously in this state of trauma, I cannot emotionally handle reading their conversations, but I decided to keep the phone, to read it all, and then toss it and move on. Also for people telling me to pee on her grave or saying this is karma, please drop it and don't even comment. I loved her for over a decade and it's not going away like that. I still love this woman even with the disgusting things she has done. She was still my wife, a daughter and an aunt. She didn't deserve to get hit by some drunk driver and suffer with bleeding in her brain that ultimately caused her passing. Please go away. I do not need this and I am not a sick-minded enough man to have those thoughts. For everyone else, thank you so much. My God, I'm so incredibly sorry for you that I have no words. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. That's a lot of conflicting emotion. I know this is the standard Reddit response, but I very highly recommend seeking out therapy. You need support in this. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you. I have already done so and I'm going to be speaking with a psychologist. I lost a boyfriend to self-deletion and found out at his funeral that he had cheated on me. I went through waves of sadness and anger, sometimes at the same time and sometimes independently. It cut me in a way that was indescribable. You are not alone in this. There have been discussions on which would be worse. Partner that passes away verses, partner cheats. This must be hell on earth for you. I am so sorry. I don't understand how her best friend and this guy had the guts to come to you during the funeral. Some people have no morals. Even if they thought you did not know, what they did is just wrong. Is her a fair partner married? When are you going to tell the friend that you found out and that you know she encouraged her to do it? No, he isn't married. Appears that he was and is still single. I already told her, she first told me she was very sorry to hear that she did that, but that I shouldn't tarnish her reputation by telling people. She said I'm only telling you because I know you encouraged her and she hasn't replied to that. But it's only been a day. I'm not sure anyone would know how to respond. It's not tarnishing her reputation if she actually did it. You are just being accurate. Have you set up an appointment with a grief counselor? Yes, I do. I have an appointment in one month from now. Not tarnishing her reputation. It's the truth for real. You won't be tarnishing anything. You'll be co-workers, everyone mate. Take screenshots of all the proof you have and log into her social media to post it to the world. Send everything to the affair partner's job and make sure they know her faith fell upon her after seeing him. Make sure to put all the blame on him, same with the girl who encouraged her. Make sure your wife's family sees her as a traitor. Make sure all her friends know that if she hadn't encouraged your wife to cheat, she might still be alive. During this global shutdown there's a lot of time to spare. Make sure to nuke their lives the same way they ruined yours. But do it smart. Gather all the proof and only use the truth and blast it all at once in a way they have no chances of covering up. But hey, I'm a stranger. I'm not advocating for you to do anything against the law. I just feel extremely angry at the idea she could still be alive if she didn't cheat. Trust me, the people around you will all be on your side if they find out the truth. Right now, the other man is breathing a sigh of relief because she is gone and he believes all the evidence and risk of exposure is too. I would turn his world upside down and burn it to the ground. He was your wife's co-worker so expose this disgusting behavior to his employer and HR department. Expose the truth of the affair to all family and friends if you are willing to endure what follows. You have the proof, take screenshots and use it to silence those who would attack you. She shouldn't be remembered as a loyal wife. She passed on the way from seeing her a fair partner after they had their secret encounter. Who knows how far your wife would have gone with this other man had she lived. She could have had this other man's child and tried to pass it off as yours. You lost your wife long before she was gone. She gave you and the marriage up as soon as she decided to let this co-worker into her personal life and well, you can fill the rest in. You can still have a life only with someone else. Make a post on socials in her memory by exposing the lie and post the proof. Set yourself free. Wow, this is horrible. I'm so glad you confronted the friend. She needed to hear what you had to say. Your wife might have gone ahead and cheated regardless of her encouragement. You can't say either way, but her friend could have done the right thing and who knows what would have happened if she had. Would your wife be alive today? You can't know that. But what you do know is that obviously, she's no friend of yours. You can't rage against the heavens on this one. It is a complete waste of time and a very unproductive way of expatiating your anger against your wife's decision. You loved, still love, the woman who was alive. Not this version. I totally would pursue at least a discussion with the affair partner at least one time. You may not like this man, you certainly owe him nothing. However, he very well might have been the last person on the planet to see your wife alive. I would want to know what he had to say, how he could have justified his actions and what he felt about your wife. Was she just lust to this guy? Was that all there was to it? I almost hope not. It's a terrible reason to die for. Obviously, therapy is a right choice. If I were you, I would want to write this down. I mean all of it. How you felt about your wife, what you built together, your plans, the grief, the anguish, the double anguish of finding out about adultery. I would add her friend's comments and what this man has to say. It's very therapeutic to journal as much as you can. This is something you can keep to yourself if you like, or you can tell people what she did. There is no such thing as tarnishing a memory if you are simply telling the truth. You are not the first person to know your fidelity after your partner is gone and how you deal with it is up to you. I certainly wouldn't seek out her friend's advice on anything about this. She demonstrated her values already. Lastly, you have my sympathy and empathy for your loss. There are no words that will help just time. I'm so sorry. Hello all. I love everyone in this sub. You guys have shown me so much support regarding what I've been dealing with. Anyway, anything has gotten better, especially during this time where we need to stay at home and I'm stuck not working now. Just too much time. Anyway, people mentioned getting in touch with my wife's company's HR about her co-worker whom she was having an affair with. I have done this and I asked about it and they said there was no policy against co-workers getting romantically involved as long as it is off work. I kind of figured this was the case. As much as I want to get him fired and ruin his life, it was in fact consensual and their affair was off the clock so I understand that there is nothing they can do. I didn't think there was. I sent a screenshot of the message of her friend encouraging my wife to her boyfriend. He replied that he is sorry for what happened to me but that his girlfriend didn't think she would actually do it, that I shouldn't blame his girlfriend for my wife's affair or tragedy. So I guess it's a dead end there talking to a doorknob who believes whatever his girlfriend says. I got a ton of suggestions about posting her texts and messages to publicize what she did. I am not going to do this. I really don't understand the point of doing it. She is gone and has no consequences left to suffer. No justice will be served. She is gone. I will only be making this more difficult for her family. Besides, it's not really anyone else's business, even if she was alive. So I decided to go through all her texts between him and her other friends. I was going to wait longer before looking but I just couldn't sleep. I couldn't seem to move on from wondering how, where, why and not having any answers. Her entire conversation with him was still there from their first and last texts. Little bit of good news is that she expressed guilt about the affair. Also, after meeting him the second time to do it, she expressed guilt again and she told him that she can't continue seeing him. But of course it would continue. Their conversations would range from her being very close to him, sending heart-filled messages to next time totally ignoring him. But she would sometimes apologize for ignoring him which obviously angered me. Then, the bad news. She appears to have been much more intimately exploratory with him. She also smoked weed with him which I never seen her do. I found she let him in not only the natural way but the other one too if you know what I mean even more than once. Yet it's something she never let me do. She also had him sleep in our bed. On the night I went to visit my brother. Also, she did things to him while he drove to get lunch on their lunch break. She talked about it like it was funny. This isn't something I was ready for. I began shaking and puking. It gave me a severe anxiety attack and I resorted to drinking last night because it was just too much. I feel like he took her from me. Like he destroyed her because she would be alive if it wasn't for him. I've been obsessed with the dates on their messages about when they would meet. I'd go back to my social media and camera album to see what day that was. I was heartbroken when I saw they met on our anniversary where I took her to dinner to the first place we went on a date. I remembered that day as a great night with her. It was romantic and we were both so happy and close. I felt like got hit in the gut knowing she was in bed with another man just hours before our date. Makes me sick and I don't see how I can get over this. My mind is still numb after what I read last night. I just can't believe that actually happened. I honestly wish I never discovered this. I'd much rather have left her phone alone. I'd rather have remembered something I never knew. A lie compared to how I feel now. But now that I know, I need to let go of all the love I have for her. I'm mourning her passing and I miss her so much. But it's time I need to realize she isn't who I thought she was. I have read everything there is to know and at least I don't think I can hurt anymore than I'm hurting now. Here is to hopefully healing. I have a talk with a psychologist in about a month, but if I feel any worse I will go to the hospital because I'm close to having bad thoughts and feeling worse. But I know it's an illogical feeling. I must go on. Thank you all. If you haven't done so already throw the phone away. Stop torturing yourself. Listen to that advice OP. What do they call it? Shopping for pain. OP you've read all there is to read on it. You've seen to the bottom of the abyss and now it's time to stop rubbing salt in your own wounds. You'll feel better when you throw the phone away. It's symbolically important as well as practically important. On the anniversary is just cruel. Absolutely disgusting to the core. I cannot even begin to imagine how you must have felt after discovering the betrayal. Too heavy a burden to carry. I understand your desire to read everything and know everything, but that honestly has made it so much worse. If you've ever been cheated on I have, there is a strange temptation to picture them in your head as it drives you insane. It takes restraint and self-awareness to block the thoughts which then speeds up the healing process and helps you move on. As a younger man I would have done the same as him but now I believe I would try to avoid the nitty gritty and accept the bare minimum. I think he was searching for any inkling during their affair that his wife loved him. He sounded relieved that she was a little guilty in all of it, but he definitely is a better person than me. I would have put everyone on blast. The wife, but also the best friend and co-worker. Everyone would have known the type of people they actually were. Her end was a sad situation but that doesn't exempt anyone from the pain he's going through right now taking away OP's primary outlet. He listened to the terrible advice of her best friend to keep it quiet. Does she not realize that is a pathway to more harm to him? Even more than she already has. I really hate her and I don't even know her. I hope everyone she trusts is lying to her as she is a tremendously awful person. Man, this is the first time I've read someone else's story and feel physically ill. Even close to bursting to tears. Can't even imagine how much it hurts to you to just read messages one after the other like they never end. The thought of anyone experiencing this has sent me into a near panic attack. I pray it isn't real. Don't hold a grudge towards anyone OP. I hope you find peace. Same here. This one made me physically ill. I believe it is because there is really no resolution. The one person who's fault it is was probably high when they were hit. There's no rest of the story for her who was on her mind at the end before slipping into blackness. Was she sorry? We will never know. The phone may give motivations, but nope. What I would do is take those texts about weed and let the HR department know since they are probably aiming for a sober workplace. The friend and her boyfriend have no conscience. Didn't think she'd do it. That was a cop-out answer. Maybe the only answers would come from the affair partner letting him know you have all the proof and need answers. Men who chase other men's wives are scumbags to begin with so that also might cause more pain. Your call. Yeah, this one hurts even more than normal. The really nuclear thing for me is doing things for the affair partner that she wouldn't do two or four OP. They say that sometimes a spouse can't do this for her husband because of embarrassment. They feel the cheaters want to please their affair partner and they will do anything for them which makes it a total deal breaker. I've always believed that you should give your best to your spouse emotionally and physically. She obviously gave her best to her affair partner. She didn't require commitment. She didn't require her affair partner to help pay her bills. She didn't require her affair partner to make vows to her. Everything that she required of her spouse was not required of her affair partner. And yet she gave her best of her body to her affair partner. Holy cow, that poor man. How do these types of people live with themselves? The audacity of that affair partner to shake OP's hand at his wife's funeral. I sincerely and absolutely hope that the bad friend cheats on the boyfriend who brushed OP off like it was nothing and I hope it hurts like the worst hell and that he remembers how nonchalant he was about his disgusting girlfriend encouraging a married woman to cheat and continue to cheat. Someone asked what the boyfriend should have done. Well take it seriously for one. If the friend is that willing and eager to encourage cheating then she's that much more likely to cheat. Even if OP was a bad husband and the wife was unhappy that doesn't mean the friend should encourage cheating. In that situation she should tell her to leave. What bothers me is that he seemed, granted we only have OP's side, like he just didn't care that his girlfriend was at least slightly culpable for the affair. He didn't want to understand how she was at least slightly at fault here. It was still the wife's choice at the end of the day but clearly her friend was a big influence. I hope he discovers that he should have taken OP more seriously. I totally be going scorched earth on everyone involved if it was me. The rage at everything. The loss as well as the infidelity would find an outlet upon their lives and their homes and God helped them. I don't know how this guy's found the inner strength to move on from this. It isn't weakness to refuse revenge it's just something I couldn't let go. In a way you are lucky OP. No divorce no begging, no assets being provided. You were freed. Doesn't matter if it was by God, Karma or the devil. You are now free. Appreciate what you were given. It doesn't mean enjoying your cheating wife's passing or being an A-hole. Looking for a non-existent closure isn't going to bring you anywhere. It will help you to take the objective or practical advice. Take care of yourself from now on. Hit the gym hard and let your anger out hard. Get into something like boxing so you can let your inner anger out. OP Listen up. Don't throw your life away for something that you can't control. She messed up. Don't you dare mess up after something she did. Your life is a wonder. You can meet someone wonderful. You deserve it and you will. If you need help, seek it. You are a wonderful human being. Don't deprive someone else from your light. My heart is with you. Time has a way of healing our most intimate wounds. Keep pressing on. You got this. There it is. The end to this tragic story. There will never be a follow-up as OP deleted his account. We are left to wonder and hope he found peace in his mind and heart. There's not much I can say other than this was a rough story to cover for you all. But I thought it deserved to be covered for you. What would you advise OP? It's hard to imagine the turmoil he is in, but can you understand his pain and choices? As this story is quite brutal, please keep in mind to be respectful towards OP as he shared a deeply personal story. Thank you for staying till the end. You're the one I make these episodes for. See you in the next one. Friend.