 Waiter. Yes, sir. I'll have some cold salmon, some potato salad, and a cold bottle of Pap Blue Ribbon. Yes, sir. Finest beer served. Anywhere. From Hollywood, Pap's Blue Ribbon. Finest beer served. Anywhere. Proudly presented. Production, Mr. Blandings builds his dream house. Director, H.C. Potter. Hollywood screen directors present a blueprint for laughter. Mr. Blandings builds his dream house. Starring Carrie Grant and introducing the director of the film, H.C. Potter. A lot of motion pictures can ordinarily be expected to satisfy anyone's urge for creative achievement. But not our guest screen director tonight. For he's also the director of such significant Broadway plays as A Bell for a Dono and Anne of a Thousand Days. On the screen, he's brought you such fine entertainment as Mr. Lucky, the farmer's daughter, and tonight's story, Mr. Blandings builds his dream house. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. H.C. Potter. Thank you. People laugh at most comedies because something funny happens to the characters. But in the case of Mr. Blandings, they laugh because the joke was on them. As millions of Mr. Blandings saw themselves discovering the ferocious fact that homes are built, not born. Now, Mr. Blandings builds his dream house for the first time on the air, starring Carrie Grant in his original role of Jim with Francis Robinson as Muriel. Man was once a carefree fellow who swung happily through the jungle trees, every man his own toss. But then he wanted to get out of the trees and into caves. Then he yearned to get out of the caves into a house. He's still yearning. This is the story of Jim Blandings, New York apartment dweller, who yearned to get out of his cave. Tall, good-looking, college graduate, advertising business, VP in charge of the Wham-Ham account, has two fine daughters and one lovely intelligent wife named Muriel. I'm Muriel. Every morning in our apartment we fought for firsts with the bathroom, the big bonanza. Started first thing in the morning. I'd open one eye and there would be Jim nuzzling the furniture like a strange dog. Looking for something, dear? My socks. Aren't you looking your sock drawer? That's where I found my underwear. Try your underwear drawer. I am in my underwear drawer. Well, what did you find? Your underwear. Then the great American bathroom derby. And there goes Jim Blandings and odds on favor. He's at the door, he opens it. That was Betsy, age 10. Joan has a different screen. Seeing what they were in our apartment, Jim would shave while I brush my teeth. Oh, Muriel. Sorry, did you cut yourself? I cut myself every morning. I kind of look forward to it. Bill Cole uses an electric razor. Bill Cole does not have my beard. Bill's beard is just as tough and stubborn. I am not interested in discussing the green and texture of Bill Cole's hair follicles before I have my orange juice, please. And so forth. Until one morning Jim saw an ad in the paper. Listen to this, Muriel. Forced to sell, farm dwelling, original beams, oak grove, trout stream, meadow, superb view, will sacrifice. So? Spends six, seven thousand dollars. We can have a home of our own, a dream house. Oh, Jim, do you really think we could? Doesn't cost anything to look. There she stands, folks, the old Hackett Place, finest old house in Connecticut. My, it's just charming. Dear, we're just looking. First year she was here, General Gates stopped right there to water his horses. Yes, sir, if you act fast, you can get that place for steel. And I mean a steel. Tell me, Smith, what are you hoping to get for that broken down old relic? Well, we're asking ten thousand dollars. Ten thousand dollars? He's asking. How much will you take? Ten thousand dollars. That's more like it. We'll take it. Good morning, children. Good morning, Mr. Brandon. Good morning, Father. Good morning, Muriel. Good morning, dear. I'll go get you whammin' eggs now, Mr. Brandon. Well, girls, did your mother tell you about our new home? Yes. Well? Our teacher, Miss Stellwagen, says the current craze for modernizing old farmhouses is a form of total worship. Oh, Miss Stellwagen does, huh? I was just thinking, Jim, ten thousand dollars was more than you wanted to pay for a place. It was a steel, Muriel. It was larceny. Shouldn't we see a lawyer? Bill Cole would have... Well, for once in my life, I want to make a decision without Bill Cole. Well, he's your lawyer. Only because he was your old college beau. Now, I don't want Bill Cole puttering with this. That's final. No Bill Cole. There's our house, Bill. What do you think? Oh, well. Just a few shingles. Oh, it's a nice old house, Bill. It just needs someone to love. It's a good thing there are two of you, one to love it and one to hold it up. What did your engineer say when he checked the foundation in that roof? Who needs engineers? This isn't a train. I just saw it move. Now, look here, Bill. It so happens that General Gates stopped at this very house to water his horses. I don't care if General Grant stopped in for a cold beer. You're getting rude. Jim, uh, you don't think we've made a mistake? Oh, now listen to me, both of you. I've gone out and found what I'm not ashamed to call my dream house. It's like a beautiful painting. You buy it with your heart, not with your head, because it's beautiful and you love it. And when I sign those papers Saturday, I can look the world in the face and say it's mine. My house. My home. My 50 acres. Our house. Our home. Our 50 acres. Well, all right. You better let me have Joe Apollonio look the house over for you. Who? He's the man who advised the government not to raise the Normandy. They didn't listen to him and wasted five million dollars. Bill, you have my word. If I were raising the Normandy, I wouldn't make a move without Joe Apollonio. I guess goodbye for an old college chum and I'll be on my way. I'm going to look around inside again. Uh, coming along, Muriel? Jim, the porch floor! Just stand there and get me out of this hole! Bill? Hey! I guess you'd better get in touch with Joe Apollonio. Any small changes in this house, Mr. Apollonio, would have to conform with the character of the countryside. And still be functional. Well, Mr. Apollonio, what's your professional opinion? Tear it down. Tear it down? Tear it down. Get yourself an architect and build a new house. Get an architect? Build a new house? We certainly will not get an architect. Build a new house? The idea. Indeed. Yeah. Four experts later, we got ourselves an architect and had the old house torn down and began to discuss plans for a brand new house. And lots of closet space, Mr. Sims. If there's one thing this family needs, it's closet space. Closet space. And bedrooms, Mr. Sims. Four big roomy, airy bedrooms. Four bedrooms, Mr. Blandings. And each bedroom to have at least one bathroom. And with your limited budget, couldn't you do with one less bathroom? Well, of course. Absolutely not. It'll save $1,300. I refuse to endanger the health of my children in a house with less than four bathrooms. Muriel. Muriel. For $1,300, they can live in a house with three bathrooms and rough it. Mr. Sims. We'd like a terrace off the study and a three car garage and of course a bar. We must have a bar. Of course. What else? Just one thing. Keep the cost down to $10,000. Yeah. Jim, you've done it again. Done what? What's wrong, Bill? Did that idiot Sims let you tear down your house without consulting me? What if he did? What of it? Wasn't anyone aware of the legality involved? What did I do? What did I do? Tell me. Didn't you realize that you're dealing with Ephraim as Hackett? Will you tell me what crime I've committed? Jim, what in the world did you do? I don't know. He won't tell me. You merely tore down a house on which Hackett held a $6,000 mortgage, which now becomes fully payable if on demand and Mr. Hackett does so demand. Well, we get it. Well, I suppose I could turn in my insurance policies. No, Jim. Not yet. Now, rather than see you do that, I'll be glad to sign a note for that amount. Oh. Thanks, Bill. Yeah. Forget it. Well, kiss goodbye for an old college chum, Muriel, old chum. Huh? Goodbye, Bill. Hey. So long, Jim. Bye. What a wonderful friend. Well, what's with this kissing all of a sudden? Lately, every time he leaves his apartment, he shakes his hand with me and kisses you. Would you prefer it the other way around? Well, I don't like it at all. Why doesn't he get married or something? Because he can't find another girl as sweet and pretty and wholesome as I am. Oh, darling. It isn't, Bill. It's the house you're upset about. Yeah, I suppose so. It isn't too late to change our minds about the house, Jim. So far, our $10,000 house has cost us $24,698.45. Well, there's one thing you've got to admit. What? We've got the prettiest vacant lot in the state of Connecticut. Well, listening to Screen Directors Playhouse, starring Carrie Grant in Mr. Blanding's Builds His Dream House, and introduced by the director of the film, Mr. H. C. Potter. You are in Detroit. It's quitting time. You, hot and tired from the day's work, push out through the factory gates. Right now, you'd give your wilted shirt for a cool breeze. Wait a minute. What's that sign across the street in a cafe window? Oh, brother. Haft's Blue Ribbon, finest beer served. Anywhere. Yes, during these hot July days, you're just one of millions of men all over America and that Haft's Blue Ribbon sign means welcome relief. For Haft's Blue Ribbon does something more than quench your thirst. It gives you taste. Blue Ribbon taste, the kind of taste you can't get anywhere else in the world except in that Haft's Blue Ribbon bottle. And fortunately, you can get that Blue Ribbon bottle all over the world. Yes, you hear it everywhere, in Detroit, and Dayton, and Dallas, and Davenport. Haft's Blue Ribbon, finest beer served. Anywhere. Your taste will tell you why. Now, back to our screen director's playhouse, production of Mr. Blanding's Builds His Dream House, starring Carrie Grant. They cleared the ground for the house. They began digging. They struck solid rock. They had to blast it. Blast it? It was now $27,000. And down at the office, Jim's deadline for the new slogan for wham was getting nearer. Mary. Yes, sir. How about this? When you want a snack of ham, why not take a whack at wham? You want a professional opinion? Never mind. The highly touted trout stream dried up. We had to dig a well. At four and one-half dollars a foot, Jim thought he ought to have a word with Mr. Tassander, digger of wells. Mr. Tassander! Oh, Mr. Tassander! Yep, how's it coming? Oh, it's coming. Mr. Tassander! How far down are you? Oh, about 190 feet. Well, isn't that pretty deep? Yeah. Have you hit anything at all? Hmm, hit some nice limestone yesterday. Limestone? Yeah. Oh, swell. Nothing on a hot day like a nice cold glass of limestone. Oh, nothing. Go right ahead. I'll just slink back to my office and drop the petty cash. Wonderful to relate. We had our well at last. In fact, we had two wells. One in the yard and another in our basement, six feet down. How do you explain it, Mr. Tassander? The man hit good water in my basement at six feet. And over there, just 25 yards away, you had to go down 227 feet to hit the same water. Yep. Well, how do you account for it? Well, the way it seems to me, over here the water's down around six feet. And over there, it's down around 227 feet. Yep. For this dish. Gussie. Not wham again. I love it. I hate it. Gussie, I spent eight long hours a day selling this stuff. I know all about its succulent goodness, its sugar-cured tenderness, its vitamin-drenched convenience. Oh, you don't have to sell me, Mr. Blandon. I like it. Beef and lamb. Binds and day under the height of me, wham. Dear, Bill's driving me out to the house again today. Every time I turn around, Bill's driving you out to the house. He's only being helpful. I thought he was a lawyer. Why isn't he out suing somebody? Hello? Oh, good morning, Bill. Oh, give him my love. What? Oh, that's outrageous. Just what does the owner of this apartment mean? I've got to move in 30 days. Oh, fine. I know my rights. I have no intention of moving in 30 days. No. No. Well, how can I move into a house without doors and windows? This is not legal, and I want you to fight it. I don't care if it takes every penny I've got. I am not moving. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well? We're moving in 30 days. We've moved in 30 days into a house with no doors, no windows, and no carpets. We walked around in our overcoats, and at no time did General Eisenhower drive up to share a cup of hot toddy with us. Instead, the green-eyed monster showed up at all devil jealousy, because Jim, while unpacking, came across Bill Cole's fraternity pin and my college diary. He didn't say anything until just before we went to bed. I merely asked a question. What is Bill Cole's fraternity pin doing in your jewel box? Especially after you told me you gave it back to him 15 years ago. Jim Blandings, I think you're jealous. And his name all over your diary. Oh! Now you've been reading my diary. Well, it just happened to fall open. I'll just bet. If you were so crazy about the guy, why did you marry me? I'm beginning to wonder. Maybe it was those big cow eyes of yours. Or that ridiculous hole in your chin. Or maybe I just happened to fall in love with you. Don't ask me why. Oh, Muriel, I'm sorry. Sometimes I act like a schoolboy. Forgive me. Oh, Jim. Oh, why do I love you so much? Peace? Darling, it's awfully late. Maybe you better go down and lock the doors. Well, what for? The windows are all out anyway. You better get to bed. Do you think the mattress will hold on these four chairs? Certainly. Good night, dear. Good night. Good evening, Danton and Baskham advertising. Oh, yes, Mrs. Blandings. He's right here. It's your wife, boss. Yes, Muriel. Yes, it's raining here, too. Well, no, I'm sorry, dear. I can't make it for dinner. I'm going to be here all night with this slogan. What? Bill is coming to dinner. Bill. Oh, all right, Muriel. I've got to get back to work. Bye, Muriel. Bill. Boss, how's this for a slogan? East is east and west is west. Ham is ham, but wham is best. Sorry. Wait a minute. How's this? If you'd buy better ham, you'd better buy wham. That's boil petroleum. You better buy oil. You better buy boil. I can found those monopolies. Wait, wait a minute. I've got it. Win with wham. The ham that came from behind. Brother. Well, by five o'clock in the morning, Jim gave up in disgust and started out for the house. Jim, dear. Good morning, Muriel. Oh, you must be exhausted. How'd it go? Oh, fine, fine. Oh, Muriel, I can't seem to find Jim's other slippery. Oh, hello, Jim. Morning, Bill. What brings you... What are you doing in my pajamas and dressing gown? Well, how would I look without them? Bill had dropped in and had to stay all night when the bridge was washed out. Yeah? Slept like a rock. Rock? Slept like a rock. Last night was in lands there. Gussie wasn't here last night? Lansdale. I saw the girls at the Williamses. They'll be along for breakfast in a minute. The children weren't here last night, either? Visiting the Williamses. Williamses? If you'll excuse me, I'll slip into something more comfortable. Williamses? Now, Jim, you're upset. You've a lot of things on your mind. There's only one thing on my mind. That's not what you're thinking. Well, maybe I'm thinking I was once a happy man. I didn't have a closet and I didn't have three bathrooms, but I did have my sanity, a few dollars in the bank, two children who loved me and a wife I could trust. That's a fine thing to say. I also had a job, something I don't have at the moment. Jim. I'm resigning, and I blame this house for everything. You love this house. I hate it. Anybody who builds a house today is crazy. The minute you start, you're on the all-American sucker list. Every way you turn, there's a hand in your pocket. Take out the hand, they find more pockets. It's a conspiracy against every man and woman who want a home of their own, against every boy and girl who were ever in love, against... Excuse me, Mr. Blandings. What do you want, Mr. DeSander? We've got our will. There's a matter of $12.86. $12.86. Why be a piker, Mr. DeSander? Take everything I've got. Here, take my watch, my keys, my pocket money. My driver's license, my wallet. Take it all. Yeah, Mr. Blandings, you don't understand. This $12.86, you don't owe me. I owe you. Huh? The founder overcharged Jan the well. Almost three feet. Three feet. Oh, thank you very much, Mr. DeSander. Well, yes, I better be getting along. Sure got a mighty pretty place here. Now, you folks take good care of it. Wonderful man, DeSander. What's he saying? If you ain't eating wham, you... You ain't eating ham. Darling, that's it, the slogan. Give Gossier $10 range. Oh, Jim. Oh, Muriel. Oh, and, darling, you didn't mean what you said. You do love our house, don't you? Oh, Muriel, I don't know. If I had it to do all over again, if I had to put up with tearing it down and architects and well diggers and builders and contractors and bathrooms, if I had to mortgage my future, my job, my peace of mind just to wind up with a house, a simple $45,000 house, if I had it to do all over again. Yes. I guess I'd do it. In a moment, our star Carrie Grant and screen director H.C. Potter will return to the microphone. In spite of the glamour and publicity surrounding Hollywood, most of the movie stars lead a quiet home life, just like you and me. When they entertain, more often than not, they'll serve a simple but delicious buffet supper. A baked wham, perhaps, with potato salad, toasted English muffins, and cold bottles of perhaps blue-ribbon beer. Yes, everything in perfect taste. Blue-ribbon taste. And it's that blue-ribbon taste that makes this internationally famous beer so popular here in Hollywood. For instance, I happen to know that perhaps blue-ribbon is served in the home of Mr. Blandings, who is standing right here beside me. Mr. Blandings, of course, is none other than Carrie Grant. Carrie, it's true, isn't it? You serve perhaps blue-ribbon in your home. James, when beer is called for, it's pabst blue-ribbon. Well, I think it's time that director H.C. Potter and I revealed the truth about the real Mr. Blandings, huh? Oh, you mean the fellow who actually built the house? It's a sad story, isn't it, Hank? Before Mr. Blandings, the inevitable finally caught up with him. His house was finished. He bought his furniture. He planted his lawn. The dream house was complete. And then they came. The little men in white coats. They took him away, Jimmy. Daffy. Leaky faucets. Well, good night, Hank. Good night, Hank. Good night, Jim. Good night, everyone. Good night. And good night to you, Carrie Grant at H.C. Potter. Just remind you that tomorrow is the beginning of the long and glorious Fourth of July weekend. Three whole days of relaxation. You'll be planning picnics and backyard barbecues. Be sure you have plenty of pabst blue-ribbon beer cooling in your refrigerator. It's the delightful way to celebrate the fourth with friends and neighbors and pabst blue-ribbon. Finest beer served anywhere. Your taste will tell you why. Next week on Screen Directors Playhouse, pabst blue-ribbon presents The Big Clock, starring Ray Milland and Maureen O'Sullivan. Mr. Blandings builds his dream house, was presented through the courtesy of RKO Pictures, producers of The Big Steel, starring Robert Mitchon, Jane Greer and William Bendix. Carrie Grant is starring with Anne Sheridan in the soon-to-be-released 20th Century Fox production I Was a Male War Bride. H.C. Potter is preparing the MGM production Europa and the Bull, starring Greer Garson. Included in tonight's cast were Frances Robinson as Muriel, with Anne Whitfield, Don Bender, Fred Howard, Willard Waterman, Frank Gersel, Wilms Herbert, Herb Butterfield, Betty Moran, Ruby Dandridge and Dan Riss. Mr. Blandings builds his dream house based on Eric Hodgins' novel, was adapted for radio by Milton Geiger and original music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. With the supervision of Howard Wiley, Associate Producer Bill Karn. Listen again next week when Papst Blue Ribbon Beer presents Screen Directors Playhouse, production The Big Clock, director John Farrell, stars Ray Melland, Maureen O'Sullivan. Screen Directors Playhouse is brought to you by the Papst Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Newark, New Jersey and Peoria, Illinois, and sent your way with the best wishes of the Papst Blue Ribbon Dealers from coast to coast, James Wallington speaking. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.