[TRANSCRIPTION OF DIALOGUE LOCATED BELOW]
"Positively, Mr. Gallagher? Absolutely, Mr. Shean!"
By the originators: Ed Gallagher and Al Shean
Comic duet with orchestra
For better or worse, here's some old nostalgia. Namely, it's the vaudeville team that has been called the original Sunshine Boys: Ed Gallagher and Al Shean -- the latter of whom was the maternal uncle of the Marx Brothers. They perform here their famous routine, recorded here for YouTube direct from the old 78 rpm record, despite the crack in the disk.
A-side -- "Positively, Mr. Gallagher?"
S: Good morning, Mr Gallagher
G: Good morning, Mr. Shean.
S: There is something that is troubling me.
G: That is very plainly seen.
S: Mr. Gallagher, I am a simple man. I never yell nor shout.
G: Mr. Shean, if you'd confide in me, I'll try to help you out.
S: Oh, Mr. Gallagher.
G: Yes, hello?
S: Oh, Mr. Gallagher.
G: Well, well, well?
S: Do you think it's wrong for a man to strike his wife?
G: Stirke his wife?
S: Suppose she goes out every night, and comes home and starts a fight? Can a man come home to such treatment every night?
G: Well, no. But Mr. Shean. A man who'd raise his hand to his wife is low and mean. If it's more than you can stand, remember to never use your hand.
S: Use diplomacy, Mr. Gallagher?
G: Use a sandbag, Mr. Shean.
S: Oh, Mr. Gallagher. There was a tiny negro baby born last night.
S: Yes. He was just as black as ink -- weighed a half a pound, I think. How can a baby be so dark and yet so light?
G: Why Mr. Shean. That's the funniest color scheme I've ever seen. But I know a hen that's black as night, yet she can lay an egg that's white.
S: Why, that's nothing, Mr. Gallagher.
G: No? Can you do it, Mr. Shean?
S: Oh, Mr. Gallagher. Every morning in the bathroom I reduce.
G: You reduce?
S: I bend over up and down. Every day I lose a pound. The only suit of clothes I own is getting loose.
G: You be careful. Mr. Shean, Exercise in the bathroom is quite a scene. When you bend over have a care if there's a radiator there.
S: Suppose there is one, Mr. Gallagher?
G: Be sure and face it, Mr. Shean.
S: Oh, Mr. Gallagher. Women's rights is turning out to be a joke.
G: How do you know?
S: They've been given the right to vote. But doesn't it get your goat? In public places now, they demand the right to smoke.
G: You don't know the half of it. Mr. Shean. They also love to gamble on the green. They excel in games of chance, where you can lose your shirt and pants.
S: I'm speaking of women, Mr. Gallagher.
G: That makes no difference, Mr. Shean.
B side: "Absolutely, Mr. Shean!"
S: Oh, Mr. Gallagher. I wonder why that you come here alone.
S: You must have something on your mind to leave your wife so far behind. She can't even get you on the telephone.
G: You're getting personal. Mr. Shean, I came here because she treated me so mean. Was your married life all right?
S: Mine's a sight, sight, sight. Look at that black eye, Mr. Gallagher.
G: Look at this one, Mr. Shean.
S: Oh, Mr. Gallagher. I'll like to have you meet a widow friend of mine.
G: I'd like to.
S: Her husband's gone, but she don't care. A rusty blond with a bobbed-up hair, and a figure, say, that will take me through the pines(?).
G: No? Mr. Shean, I bet I know the widow that you mean. A pretty face, a baby stare. I'm the guy that bobbed her hair.
S: But she's a grass widow, Mr. Gallagher.
G: And, I'm a lawn mower, Mr Shean.
S: Oh, Mr. Gallagher. If you're a friend of mine, please lend me a couple of bucks.
G: I'm going home.
S: I'm so broke and badly spent. I haven't got a cent. I'm so clean that you'd think I was washed with Lux (soap).
G: Well, well. Mr. Shean. You don't mean to say you haven't got a bean? On my word, as I'm alive, I've intended touching you for five.
S: Merry Christmas, Mr. Gallagher.
G: Happy new year, Mr. Shean.
S: Oh, Mr. Gallagher. What do they call the game they play upon the links? It's where a stick may drive a ball where you can't find it at all, and a caddy walks around and takes the chink (tips).
G: Why, I'm surprised. Mr. Shean. You don't even know a hazard from a green. It has become a popular game, and you don't even know its name.
S: Is it polo, Mr. Gallagher?
G: No, lawn tennis, Mr. Shean.
S: Oh, Mr. Gallagher. When you go home you'd get a great surprise.
G: I will?
S: When your ship is drawing near, it would make you shed a tear when the lights of New York are shining in the sky.
G: You're right. Mr. Shean. I've made that trip so I know exactly what you mean. But there's one light that shines so bright. It's the brightest light in sight.
S: The Statue Of Liberty, Mr. Gallagher?
G: Coney Island, Mr. Shean.
Mister Gallagher and Mister Shean -- Fox Trot
-- Paul Whiteman and His Orchestra