 Good evening my beautiful internet friends welcome back. I'm very excited to bring you this video today It has been a while on the making but first I just want to say I just I just got this hoodie in the mail from Amazon It was $20 and then I'm feeling it. I'm feeling it just really feeling it as you may know a few months ago I went down to Texas for the amputee coalition conference. It was a fantastic experience. It was humbling. It was challenging It was Mind-opening among many other things, but the coolest experience I had there was being able to meet Chris All over from the amp to life. This is a YouTube channel that I followed since before I actually had my amputation He has fantastic information and is a really fantastic person We got to have a number of conversations over coffee including this conversation Which I'm really excited to bring you guys into today There are a number of things that he said during this conversation that you are about to witness that have stuck with me about depression about the evolution of Dealing with such a significant life change and it was an honor so Chris Thank you so much for being on my channel and without further ado Let's travel back in time a couple months ago to the amputee coalition with Chris Oliver in Texas Hello, my beautiful internet friends I am here at the amputee coalition in San Antonio, Texas and I finally got to meet Chris from the amp to life Which is a YouTube channel that I have followed since before I had my leg amputated It's actually one of the reasons I came to the conference to be able to meet him and other amputees that I've known I just you know from the virtual world And so we got chance to sit down and actually talk but one of the things I wanted to begin to discuss is how important Support is we were chatting about that yesterday And I feel like a lot of people at the conference have sort of referenced that especially an opening ceremony Yes, I think I mean I can I can talk from my perspective my experience about support that at some point I think we realized we I was kind of a help-rejecting Person and that got me to so much trouble Yeah, and it extended I mean it caused So many secondary secondary issues and secondary problems beyond the the the injury and the and the amputation Yes, so so I've generally learned over time that for me anyway a sign of my Emotional and mental well-being is how I cope with reality and in the past I've done a number of different things and we've touched on all of them But I've either I've blamed external circumstances for for where I found myself. So blaming others I've also done a bit of taking it on too much on myself all my fault or like this like poor me or just it's internalized. Yeah, some of that. I think a bit more of I'm overly responsible for situations. So One exact responsible for the emotions of others So when they said it's because of me or as opposed to it's okay for them to be to be sad or to be empathetic to a situation and I think that Kind of what I had to ask myself is how would you have responded in in a situation like that? Would you have Would you have found it a burden to help someone else or would you have liked them to accept the help? Yes, so and then the one I did a lot of was to run was to avoid and I did that in various various ways Which is to use at one point alcohol to to avoid to numb what was going on Abuse something I've spoken about on the channel Which is to abuse and pain medication, which is also a way of getting out of reality Yeah, and then the fourth one which is I think certainly something I a point I came to and a point You came to which is to ask for help and I think more importantly to to accept help to let people Help me which which is something you both struggle with at some point I think I Think that's I think it's interesting that you make that distinction too because in my head Sometimes I equate like well if I ask for help like if I'm going to an appointment or what if I'm reaching out Then I checked that box. I'm good. I'm done You know the follow-through doesn't necessarily connect in my head that you you really have to accept that like you have to Open yourself up and be vulnerable and follow through with it and not just throw a need out there and then be done With it. Yeah. Yeah, and vulnerability is there was was the big one. Yes I think another big obstacle was and I it's it's something I fit into as people saying Oh, you're so strong and you're dealing with us so well and meanwhile, you know, I mean, I wasn't I really wasn't and I fit into that and I felt it was creating a new identity after the accident Which is the strong guy the guy who could cope with everything. Yes Well, in fact, that wasn't true and was a very self-destructive thing to to do position to take getting to the point Where I became vulnerable enough to say I need help Please help me. Yeah, and then when people offered and stepped into is to is to go Thank you and to accept the hope. Yeah, which I was falling dead to people as I said earlier to think we I would have done the same for them or for anyone else. Why am I saying yeah? No, that's so true It feels amazing when we get to help people like it is so I think it's a beautiful process When you can actually fulfill a need for someone or when someone shares something with you and you can You can help them like you can fill that void You can come alongside someone it feels like it gives you purpose and and I deny I know that I deny people that so often when I'm like, no, I can like I've got it I'm doing it or whatever and I try to be overly independent or I try to do things that I can't actually do that I'm really taking I'm like taking something away from them I'm stopping a process that could actually be beautiful for both of us for both And I think that's important is is denying both both sides The person needing help as well as the one offering the help and also needing help at the same time Yeah, something else we spoke about which is it helps me in my own process is to is to share year and see the feedback from people and to feel that since that I Made so many mistakes after the amputation and to be able to assist somebody to get to the process of where I feel I've gotten to sooner Is why deny them that opportunity and then something the word used the word meaning Yeah, it's to find meaning in that in that struggle that I had by by sharing it And I think by finding meaning in that in the suffering of the struggle alleviated some of the the anxiety and some of the Despair that a stress because I can start to feel so I mean like I think it can be completely empty and hopeless Or you can choose to find purpose and choose to find meaning in different things Yeah, and a moment ago you talked about you know kind of I almost think of it as Constructing the persona like the strong guy or whatever because people tell you you're doing so well with it or whatever and That's something I've absolutely dealt with when people tell you you're inspirational or you're you know fill in the blank How did you deal with breaking that down or actually like coming out of that because I find that really difficult to do Sometimes yeah when people have this vision of you and you're like that's actually not what's going on It's hard to do and as we as we're talking I realized now that I was a liar because I wasn't coping I was lying to people Yeah, no, I've been there too. Yeah, and Well to answer your question is how I hearted a change is I hit a wall I had to hit some sort of a wall and it became incredibly self-destructive yeah, and and That awful sense of I knew what I was doing. I knew it's not how I want to live And that awful sense of self-betrayal is is and and I mean I'm becoming Incredibly self-destructive yeah, and that also awful sense that I had of self-betrayal is is this who you are or is this it? Is this is this what life is going to be about? Are you gonna be are you gonna be living a lie or you know become authentic or are you gonna be running and hiding and Be lying to yourself and to and to others so yeah to answer your questions I hit her wall. I had a crisis and the crisis forced me to reassess my my position or face death really Right essentially emotional and absolutely. Yeah self-betrayal is is a phrase I don't think I've ever actually heard before but that is that resonates I mean that's so true and so real I mean we think of betraying other people so often, but I've never really thought of like when we get Self-destructive and all of that it's really betraying ourselves and who we actually are could be yeah, and we could be I think it's really important It's not to say that I think I have something huge to contribute But I but I do think in in what we've learned There is something to share, but the sense of self-betrayal I remember driving one day and I've become quite emotional when I talk about it, but yeah through all of this This lying by a mission really so I wasn't overtly lying But we're not disclosing what is really going on and by lying people to think that I was okay I mean that is living a lie, but driving one day and I think I told you about this but and Listening to a song a Bob Seeger song called like a rock and this was me trying to be like a rock when when deep down I was I was losing time and and that recurring thoughts of is this it is this you're gonna be and What you've become and being extremely hard on myself too, but and then realizing but I don't want to be stuck in a room I'm Experiencing a sense of darkness when I did believe that there was nothing in a it goes just a little way But in a in a positive way that there's got to be more to who I am then an avoidance is did you to do it any at any point experience it that You're being inauthentic or because I remember when you started you become so vulnerable so early on and that is I had so much Respect to your ability to do that in a way inspired me to do the same in fact Shortly after you made it. I can't remember which video, but Joe made a made a video and I I was driving I was doing a long trip and for some reason I was feeling terribly down And I got home and there was no one there and unpacked my gear and I made a video on depression and And saying that it's okay to feel depressed and that you could be grateful and depressed at the same time I used to confuse those issues. Yeah I used to think that it's a depression shows a lack of gratitude. It's hard to be depressed because So much to be thankful for like all yeah, right, right all those cliche things were here Yeah, I'm to separate those issues and I think maybe it's something If you're struggling with those kind of thoughts is to separate those issues and to go But it's okay to feel down and at the same time feel Grateful for that aspect of my life, but if I don't make knowledge. Yeah, the press the depression side of things I'm great. I did I crashed that's such an important distinction to make and I'm so glad that you that you're talking about that stuff because more I mean more people need to we don't hear that we just hear they're like Have a gratitude journal or like just be more thankful for everything and all of that and that's such a beautiful message because it's true It's part of being human, you know, like that I don't think it's sustainable to do anything else. I think I could I tried I did the shredding for a while But it worked out so badly and there's a book called the power of positive thinking. Yes, maybe there's a I don't know Maybe maybe it works for some I don't want to Suggest that the way I see it, of course, it won't work for everyone, but it didn't work for me It's that idea of you know, look at the mirror and say look at you. Yeah, cool You're a badass Just say it 20 times and you'll leave it and like will be great So I in one of my blogs I spoke about Losing my leg having a positive impact to my life, too And maybe at one point I pushed it quite far I said that it's possibly the best thing that's ever happened to me Yeah, and a part of that is true because it forced me to confront Aspects of my life, which I don't think I would have confronted if I hadn't faced the crisis Which was the the accident and and a subsequent Disability right and I think about it as if I had to and we spoke about that being becoming a more self-aware That that was my senses that I became more self-aware through crisis Yes, but and and I got to the point where I realized look I wouldn't exchange the self-awareness for Having my limb back. It was and that's quite a big statement to make I think, you know, it's so funny I I forget it. I may have talked about this before or not, but I when I actually Before I had my amputation I went to a number of why talk to a number of people in person and then I also Wrote to like a couple online amputee support groups like on Facebook that had thousands of people and so many people wrote back The majority of the comments were really really really positive and so many people said this was the best thing that ever happened to me Or the best decision ever made if it was something that had to be decided on and I was like Oh, this is you know so cool And so I I mean not based on that but based on so many other factors I went ahead and made that decision and over the last nine months. I Just personally That's a state. I hope that one day. That's a statement that I can make but I can't Yet and I think it's a very Think yet is a really powerful word. I can't yet I mean, I can't say that I'm that this is like the best thing that's ever happened or that I wouldn't exchange it for anything because Because it is really hard and I am trying to figure it out. But at the same time, I think that self-awareness and having opportunities that allow us to Reflect on who we really are and push us in those ways are More valuable than just about anything that I can think of. Yeah, and also some of the most painful things Yeah You've made a very important use the yet word and I agree As you spoke I was thinking would I have made a statement like this five years ago Yeah, I wonder I would never done that. Okay. I would never I would have I would have taken my leg back Yeah, the years of struggle with infection and pain Any day it of any form of perceived self-awareness or so so that's a very important point So I really haven't thought about Is that has come about of the last year That thinking and that's really cool that that's been a recent thing for you. I'm excited for you for that I think that's a I would imagine there's some peace in that or or something Yeah, yes, as I said earlier I think that certain things have happened and as a result of that the despair of becoming an MPT Yes, as lifted my experiences that that I'm a happier more joyful person and that it's come about as a result of By doing what we're doing right now It's finding it that my life's become more meaningful just to to hopefully pass on something. Yes to you guys That'll help you Also to to my life is I got a bit more purpose. Yeah, and it's not all about being an amputee There's a lot more to it. It's got to do with being a husband and a dad and Doing the job that I do And and thirdly, I think I've been able to acknowledge love so love is always like It just didn't you know, I kind of knew what I was but I also didn't yes and for thinking about it kind of taking love and it's a purpose and Finding some meaning and putting that together has made me a happier happier person I think we live at least the society that you know that that I've experienced. There's a lot of emphasis on like, you know me and and like a personal journey and all of that and the more that I Experience anything especially anything kind of traumatic or negative or like extreme or unexpected the more I realize that I like We are meant to be together like people are meant to be together We're meant to be connected and if you don't have that life is agony like if you don't have support if you feel isolated it is just Unsustainable if I think back in at the point where I became addicted to I Needed substances to cope and I I kind of started hating the idea of needing a crutch To cope but Isolated and and even though I might have had a sense of that communicating with people Was being connected. That wasn't true. I wasn't really connected It was but some that that once the connection came the the love started happening Yes, so so yeah, I think connectedness is the opposite of a lot of things of unhappiness of depression of addiction I experienced that that's so true, and I think I don't know what your experience has been But I think to actually Experience support or connection kind of going back to me at our conversation You have to maybe not even put into words, but you have to ask for help You have to open yourself up. You have to be vulnerable to some extent because otherwise Like you can't get past the surface with yourself, but I spent so many years living in that I mean I spent the first like 20 two years of my life existing in that plane of like just Just surface with everything like I could swear the people I could you know, whatever But I never let anyone get past like, you know skin deep and that was So isolating and so alone even though I had so many friends I had so many people around me and all of that There was no true connection and I I felt like slow death in a way, you know One stuff actually started happening and do you know why you did that? I think it was self-protection in a way Good question Yeah, I think it's It was self-protection, you know If I didn't let anyone near who I really was and I also didn't know who I really was so I didn't have to know It allowed me to avoid any kind of self-awareness or self-reflection Or vulnerability with myself or other people. I think it was very much both. It wasn't just about other people It was about I didn't want to go into anything that I was really feeling or really experiencing And so I stayed service with myself. Yeah, which I think was probably the biggest thing even though it reflected in other people You know, I didn't let them be close, but I didn't let myself be close to myself either Yeah, yeah, and then and that yeah getting close to myself was and it was fear for me It was just fear what we're talking. It's quite arrogant It was quite arrogant of me to think that I didn't need you or you or other people in my life, too I mean it would suggest that I'm limitless, which obviously I'm not But it's quite an arrogant position to take as I can solve things also having technologies that I have limitations That there are certain things I just cannot cope with and for as long as I thought I could Things went really badly and came to a To a very to a crisis If someone is which I think we probably all are to some extent, but if someone is scared of vulnerability I mean that's something that you have experience and it's something that you experience not just with people in your life But also online. What is something that you would impart to someone who wants to be more vulnerable? It wants to take like the first step towards that. I think two things for me The first thing is I was concerned if I became vulnerable it would become an avalanche of Not coping with anything things would start falling apart that I had to hold on to the known That I feared what would what would be in the other side because I hadn't I hadn't seen it in my family of origin either It was it was all about when you grab them quite a conservative environment Where it was all about, you know, you have to be able to cope with things is the one the other thing I would suggest is it's the risk of vulnerability versus the risk of Perceived toughness if I put it that way either way you're gonna take a risk. So whilst I was Busy with the risk of of Thinking I could cope There was no no potential for change or for a good outcome Yeah, and when I realized that I had to take a risk to become vulnerable and at least then there would be an Opportunity for things to be to be different. Yeah, it's a matter of the what is the alternative to becoming vulnerable. Yes, it's more of the same or Yeah, what what would it have been for you? I think I think I mean first of all I think that's such that's such a good answer and that is kind of what comes to mind first for me too that it's almost Not not at all what other choice do you have because I think we always have choices when it comes to ourselves, you know Internally we always have choices, but if you want to Move forward you have to take a risk like if you want to progress with yourself or with anything there is going to be risk and I Think to some extent you have to make Peace with that risk you have to make peace with the fact that yeah Someone might not be okay with your vulnerability. Someone might not take it. Well, someone might say something That's not great and that's gonna hurt But it's also doesn't have to destroy you like you can move on to the next person or you could find help in a different Avenue and the world's a really big place. Yeah. Yeah, I found myself asking I got to the point where I became self assured enough at some stage and it's it's fleeting at times But where I could say if somebody has a problem with my vulnerability, does it say something about me or is it is more about Place where another person is not a judgmental statement. It's just a It's helping to say what does this say something about where I'm at or where the other person's at and it's it's not good or bad Or anything. It's just a statement of fact is And and and I think generally I've come to the point to where I'm able to reality test such a question and go Well, it's one of two things. I need to change or take a step back from the other person's perspective Yeah to protect myself. Oh, I think that's I think that's exactly it I think it's taken me a while to get there like he said it's fleeting sometimes some like the whole being self-assured enough to be like Well, it's actually isn't about me. Like, you know, if they're uncomfortable I mean to evaluate, you know, either either I did something wrong in this situation or whatever But if that's not the case then it's really not about me because not everyone's comfortable with vulnerability Not everyone's comfortable with you know fill in the blank and so if they have a negative reaction I feel like I see that a lot with comments. That's exactly. That was it. My next question is I'll help you deal with that because yeah, I Mean, not a lot the overwhelming amount of comments are really cool. Yeah and supportive But but there's been a few comments that I thought whoa, that's not okay. Yeah, cool at all How do you how do you deal with that? Yeah? Yeah, cuz I'm sure we both got on that and I've gotten my Bear share of people just saying things that are so far out of left field or so intentionally mean, you know, you they're just trying to hurt you or whatever and For a while it would get to me on The things that I was insecure on like on stuff that I didn't on stuff that was like whatever I was secure and then I was like whatever. They're just being dumb or whatever But stuff I was insecure on like when I first started making videos and It sort of blew up a little bit so many people were like you're such an idiot for making this decision And that was something I was still like in the midst of being in so much pain I was still healing I was still like trying to adjust to things in the first two or three months and everyone's like God You're such an idiot like your leg was perfectly fine like saying all kinds of stuff where I knew Realistically, they didn't have any basis for understanding my whole story but even that comment like hurt to hear because I was still kind of like am I an idiot like whatever but as I started to like Engage with some people like I remember one comment in particular where someone took I think it was about three or four paragraphs to explain in great detail What psychological ailments I had how I was so messed up in these different ways And how the reason I cut my leg off is because I hated myself and I had Body Yes, body. I haven't seen that but but that is so rough. Yeah, that I had Body integrity identity disorder was there a thing which is basically where you feel like a part of your body isn't yours And they took a long time to like detail this out and it was also from a place It wasn't like a hey, I think you might want to see someone about this It was like a like a year after and here's why and so I looked at that and I took a second and I was like And so I responded as compassionately as I could saying like thanks for the feedback Which is kind of like a Which kind of helps saying like thanks for the feedback on something that isn't great feedback kind of helps me Set my mindset like okay, cool. That's your opinion But then I just try to engage with them and be like I'm curious why you think that You're welcome to respond and they actually did and they and they talked about Their own family history and how they lost their mother to that and I was like, oh This is absolutely nothing to do with me. Yeah, this is This is deep pain in their life that is just Directed in my direction because it happens to remind them of trauma in their own past Exactly and so That and a couple other times where that's or similar things have happened where I've tried to engage with someone And the response has indicated something in their own story Has made it a lot easier to receive when people are just not being kind I realized that actually probably not about me. We've got a lot of topics. We have the kind of things that act all over the place I like it. That was good. I remember it was useful for For you guys. Okay. All right. Catch you guys in the next one. So Thank you guys so much for watching. I truly appreciate it I know that sometimes the longer form conversations aren't really everybody's cup of tea But I love them and it was really sincerely an honor to sit and to talk with chris and learn a little bit more about him I can't encourage you strongly enough to please go check out and subscribe to his channel If for no other reason than a personal favor to me and you will find that his content is fantastic Thanks guys for listening. Thank you to my patrons for making these videos possible I love that you spent a few minutes out of your day here hanging out with me I love you guys. I'm thinking of you and I will see you in the next video. Bye guys