 Hello lovers, I'm eating grapes cause they're mad expensive. I deserve it okay, I Have tried to do this video two other times before but I was way too deep in it In all that shit to really get through it coherently and when I finished the videos I was like, I don't know what the point of those things were I didn't know what I was gonna do like What was I gonna do move move somewhere else? I just paid, you know, I Didn't know what I was gonna do like what what was I supposed to do like move somewhere else? It's not easy living in this country by yourself And so it took me a while to really get out of it I think now that I'm kind of almost fully out of what I was in I'm able to explain it to you guys better So I'm very special in my life a special dude in my life was telling me about the book of Job Probably about a month and a half ago. I'd never heard of it before It's a biblical story of this guy who was very abundantly blessed He was a firm believer in God and then God for some reason chose Job to allow the devil to do his work on him And he said do what that wilt with Job and Job went through help and I heard this story and I was like, oh It's kind of interesting. I don't know why he brought up can't remember It's fast forward and legitimately I was on the floor of my apartment that was completely demolished Covered in sand. It looked like a war zone in here my forehead pressed to the ground and I was like, oh my god I am Job and I'm gonna tell you guys about how I got to that moment So we'll start off with about mid April or so. It's kind of the first time in a long time that financially I'm like, I'm doing okay Like I'm doing better than okay that I've done in a long time since I've moved to America It's been a bit of a struggle, but April was a time that I was like, I'm doing alright I'd pay taxes. I had gone through a lot of DMV stuff Just a lot of money left my hands, but still I was okay and I was comfortable with that then the school University of Indiana I Want to say it properly because I want to call these assholes out and I'm gonna call you an asshole because what I think about you University of Indiana Contacted me specifically a girl there was like, I'm a great fan of yours I want you to come speak at the school blah blah blah She engages me in a month-long conversation of plans for this talk this at the third it comes down to it She sends me vendor agreements. She sends me multiple notices. It's going down and no, it's going down Book your flight. You're gonna come we'll reimburse you for your flight plus give you your honorarium cool So I'm like, all right great universe has been good to me so far. So I booked the flight everything is cool About 36 hours later just past 24 hour window being able to get a refund for your flight She writes me like, oh, no the events canceled So what about my flight money then I went this horrendous period Which I still never got reimbursed for that flight and then it just taught me that some people will do anything To be in touch with somebody that they admire or something that they like maybe she made the whole event up I'm not really quite sure but that isn't money that I had to be played with sweetheart. So That was the beginning of money leaving my hand that Mind you at the time like I said, I was doing okay money-wise But it was still the start of a very ugly past two months so that happens and then I make a decision as I tell all of you guys to Invest in myself and go for my green card visa I could have gone for my 01 visa which is half the money and half the risk because it's not as big of an Investment and there's a lot more Acceptances then declines when it comes to the 01 however I had a very negative experience under my 01 because you have to be under a petitioner Which means that one person essentially is responsible for you being in the country and I just want to be responsible for myself I want to be in my own merit on top of that being on a 01 visa is kind of like being a Convict like it's like checking that box at a job application people are like. Oh Can you also send this pop up up up up up up up one job I had to send in a syphilis report like it's real serious like they treat you like It's dirty pair of underwear put it over there. So I don't want that treatment. I'm like I want to be a resident You know I want to work here. I don't want to raise eyebrows. I don't want anyone's responsible for me I want to be here because I'm good enough. And so I think I'm good enough I was so gong ho on being good enough and being proud of myself and applying for this green card despite all odds Until I had to write that check and you can ask yourself the question You know, are you good enough? Do you believe in yourself? And you could say yes all day and so you got to write that checked out And it's your bank account attached to that number and you're like, I mean, I think you I Was panicking But again, I was so proud of myself because I was able to invest this money and still be okay You know, I was gonna be struggling But I had enough money not to go into debt to pay for this big investment one time Something also happened during this month. My skin was breaking out. I think it was just stress So I decided to go on this birth control that I've used in the past It really helps to clear my skin up not wearing makeup today. So it's been going pretty good But the thing with this birth control is it makes you pregnant like for your first three months of being on it Identical to the first three trimesters. I'm sick every single day I mean like morning sickness evening sickness my boobs. That's the one good thing that's happened throughout all this job tragedy My boobs have gotten bigger. They're really nice. You can't see it in this shirt, but I've been enjoying them a lot And on top of that, I'm moody. I have to sleep all the time. I have cramps I'm taking pills way more often than I wanted to so already may as it was was a very Healthily struggling month and on top of that now. I'm at the lawyer's office. I'm putting all this money down I'm second-guessing myself something miraculous kind of happened that day. I got offered a massive job and a Massive job the biggest job I've been offered before by far and this one's actually gonna I gotta say that Okay, I'm just like it's gonna happen. It's gonna happen but I got after this job and it's like it's great because I got to add it to my visa application and this Definitely helps to boost my case a lot, but it's also really nerve-wracking because of the fact that I'm Now not only trying to stay in this country to work But if I get declined which is highly likely I'll have to give up this job So that just made this whole process even more stressful So I hand over the money hand over the application and I give a prayer a Queasy prayer because I feel sick as it is and I've already given so much money and I'm hella poor I'm like God, please just take care of this just take care of this and make my life easier and just okay. Just go So I'm going through this time of like uncertainty. I can't control whether or not my case gets approved or declined I paid for premium processing. So within 15 days I will get an answer and that's kind of a reprieve for me and then Something random happens. I notice I have a bite on my back. I'm like that's peculiar There's not really a lot of mosquitoes in LA and I didn't go hiking. Why am I bitten? Ah? Well, whatever five days later get a little bite on my neck. I'm like, why am I getting that's weird And I'm just like okay. Don't worry about it. It's whatever you probably just stressed out and so I ignore it some more Until I wake up to a leg covered in bites and now I'm like, okay, there's a problem And so I took all my bedding and I washed it of course And I flipped over my mattress saw nothing sprayed down with bleach thought, okay. That's that in the can No Not only did I continue to can keep getting bites But the bites I existingly had were terrible. I've gotten some unbearable I think I'm just very susceptible or maybe allergic to bed to bug bites have the bag I had bed bugs and I'm allergic to bug bites on my legs So like I've gone through sand fly bites where I couldn't wear shoes for like three weeks I couldn't sleep at night. So I'm actually lucky. I have an experience with this type of horrendous bodily attack But these bites they weren't getting better I think they just kept growing and getting bigger and getting harder and I was like this is kind of pause for cause but I Don't have any money and I don't have health insurance. So we're just gonna Just we'll put some ice and robot testing on it and just hope the best. It's gonna work out just fine Then of course I made the realization I probably have bed bugs and if you've seen my apartment before that is I don't know how I don't have carpet. I don't have Junk I have almost like nothing in here. I have leather furniture. I don't even have drapes I don't even have a rug and I'm like, how could this be happening? How could it not me not me and so I go on this obsessive thing of buying a lot of stuff I bought a steamer and I bought a bomb and I bought new sheets And I just kept buying and the bites weren't going away I'd wake up every single day and there'd be one across my ribs one across my My chest up here. I had one on my neck. I had a bug bite on my face I had one on my lip and one on my underarm. I had a bug bite guys in my asshole like That kind of discomfort. I'm not sure if you understand. I was not sleeping I couldn't trust sleep one and two I was just so itchy and so irritated and so Frustrated and scared. I just couldn't go to bed at night So I'm working on like two hours of sleep at this point, but still I'll wake up with bites same way I'm on forums 24 seven. I cannot stop. I'm obsessed I know every single thing about these tiny disgusting little creatures and I truly know how people feel Who go through some kind of Katrina when their house is flooded and they stayed in that water and they stayed in that flood Even though everybody else evacuated. There's something about when your home or space is under attack that you're like fuck No, like I'm standing my ground on top of that I'm not leading to spread my infestation and I'm this is my home I'm going to conquer this by myself, but I just kept getting crazier and crazier on the Friday of Memorial weekend My bug bites at this point on my legs Especially where at the point where I'm like, I think I really have to go to the doctor Like it had grown a goatee and it was asking me for smokes. It was just like this is not Going away anytime soon, but I went out that day to an event. So just had to keep living And I'm like, okay cool, you know, and then I go to something with Amber from Amber's closet And I remember I said to her I'm like I got bed bugs amber like I had to deal with them And she was like yo, just come out tonight and tomorrow just deal with it. So I'm like, okay cool Friday I'll have an all-right day Saturday will be my shit day Little did I know that I really prophesied that because Saturday of Memorial Day weekend was probably the worst day of my life I Probably slept for half an hour that night I woke up in the morning and I was like I have to call an exterminator I called the exterminators the next one that could come out was Thursday This is Saturday You want me to oh you want me to live in this infestation Where I'm being the live eaten to death until third. Okay, there's there. I'll see you I'll see y'all I'll see you on Thursday hung up the phone balled my eyes out thought okay Shannon You can't sleep you can't focus get on your computer and do some work open up my laptop and The internet doesn't work. I'm not talking about my router like my phone connects fine For some reason the internet on my computer didn't work anymore hmm so I tried doing all these things and Eventually I stopped making my computer work all together by trying to make it work and I am hysterical I haven't slept I have cramps and then on top of that the day before at night I get an email from my lawyer that said your case is pending with the service center Hold tight for more information now when you get an email from your lawyer Anytime your senses go up and when you get an email you don't understand It's even worse and so now I'm on forums for bed bugs I'm on forms with the fuck that email even meant and I can't email because it's Friday And so now I'm like my case in the service center. It's gone to a special person. It's not gonna get approved I don't have the money to fight because what happens is you might get declined or you might get Request more evidence which basically means requests for more damn money I'm like, I don't have it and so I'm stressed about that now too And I'm on these forums and I'm reading and there the forums are all saying the same thing You throw your shit out and I like I cannot throw my furniture out I have nothing left and I am exhausted and this is all I have in the world I can't I'm a furniture out and I keep reading some more and I find this thing that's called Demetrius earth Definitely pronouncing it wrong, but it's this powder that's actually put in wheat to keep to kill bugs And it's not like a pesticide where they can grow resistant to them It murders these motherfuckers like it is like tiny pieces of glass to just shred their shit on up And they don't know it until they've walked through it So I went and bought that earth and sprinkled it all around my apartment I made this into ground zero and my last night sleeping here was Saturday night Because That was just the day of all days I was so crazy that I covered my body in 91% rubbing alcohol because that's what keeps them away And I sprinkled this powder around me like I was a sacrificial lamb and I laid there And I was like I dare you like come and eat me and die Die, let this be your last supper Sure enough a couple of them did bite me I'm gonna be wrong with some of them made it through But that was my last night there And that was my last experience with bed bugs after that because on the Sunday Maya whom Was in Chicago because her granny died someone very special to her and so my best friend in LA Wasn't here during this time. And so I really went through it alone. And if it wasn't for my family Who was just there sending me pictures constantly I send them updates on my bite every single day telling me where to go what to buy that very special Dude in my life just being there for me taking me to Walgreens to get the right cream and sending me to the doctor saying you knew You have to go He actually was the one who came and threw my bed out with me and we were both like enough is enough You know this has to go and I had to learn to let go my beautiful couch, which I love has to go I just had to let go of the things that were slowly poisoning me because my mental health honestly at this point was at stake and Maya comes home on Sunday after a week of planning a funeral for her granny and going through so much and She gave me her home as well too and said come and stay with me If you know how risky bed bugs are and how much they can change your entire life like that If you read the forums they take years to get out sometimes they crawl all over they Multiply so quickly. They only have to eat once a year. So you can't even really starve them out But my I made that risk and she brought me in and she literally took me to Target and I bought me clothes I was just like, thank you God, you know amidst everything for the relationships that I've built There is no shit that you can put me through that. I can't be Toad out of there's nothing and That kind of just started the healing process and so when I was finally out not mind you the itching was still pretty bad I should also mention I eventually went to the doctors and got antibiotics and so now my bites were getting better and I was staying at my friend's house having good night's sleep I would still come back here in the daytime and just work, you know clean wash the walls rubbing alcohol steam everything See what I had to do and the crazy thing about this whole process is I've never seen one bed bug Not a shell not a corpse I have all white furniture and all white sheets like they say you're supposed to see they're like little shells or see Blood stains or see they're like little secretions of black I never saw one paint and I bought a like high-powered flashlight Which I would go around at night because when they're active and Didn't find the thing but obviously It hell it wasn't it wasn't oxygen biting me. So I had to just resign to the fact. That's what it was So what the great thing is is that as soon as I put that powder down and even when I stayed here Nothing really bit me my just place looked crazy My parents were coming to visit me already Originally and now they were dying to come just to help me because I had called crying and just hysterical for so many days in a row And so the week was kind of a you know a healing week just staying at Maya's I also stayed with my special friend and Just leaned on the people who are part of my life and who have been good people to me And who were great for me in my time of need. So thank you so much for that Friday Something pretty amazing happened and I found out that I yes was in fact approved for my permanent residency And that investment that I made in myself was well worth it and that feeling was incredible So excited to share this news with you guys like you I don't know if you know how I feel about you So many of you guys have just become a really great big part of my story and my sanity That I come to you for advice. I come to you for support I come to you for insight and I'm really happy to share this with you because it's not about Whether or not this is the best country I live in it's the fact that I dedicated myself to a dream And I did something that not a lot of people get to do and I did it against the odds I believed in myself and that belief was an ugly process. It wasn't fun. It's not like it's an empowering like yeah I chose to do it and it's great. It was awful and excruciating, but in the end it worked out and I have no money left right now I've also in the decision that I needed to leave this apartment My lease has been up since April and funny enough that I put this picture up in probably May of me in front of this Very bookshelf and I said you know this is this is by far been my favorite space But I'm ready to move on to a new place and I wrote that caption and I had not put my notice in I had not started Looking for their apartments, but something in my soul just said I'm done here, you know There's something about this space. I'm just complete like it's been good But it's time to go but I didn't make any action to go but now it was being driven out I just couldn't feel good about it anymore You know, I just wreck wrecked the hell out of it, you know And I just I'm ready to go so I started looking for other places while I was staying with Maya And I wanted to find something by the time my parents came so that they wouldn't have to stay in this questionable suspect environment And it turns out that if you're poor, they don't like that At at residences, they don't they don't encourage your kind there so I didn't have money to begin with and I invested everything I just threw it on my furniture and I'm still kind of even though I've gotten this job. I still Never really trusted until I'm on the plane. And so I'm like, I don't really know what I can and can't spend And I'm trying to prove to these people that I have enough to pay for rent So I'm applying and paying money for applications and I'm just getting passed over time and time again I signed up for the service. It's called West Side Rentals. It's 50 bucks I'm finding nothing and I'm obsessed. So if I didn't post any videos It's because I was on forums and I was on Rental websites constantly going on meetings going to see places I saw the most perfect place in not so great of a building and kind of an okay area By some the most perfect place ever and I became obsessed with it and they kept saying We don't want you like they basically told me the unit was taken and then I had other people call back with different voices And like, yeah, the unit's still available come by and see it And then I called back like I know you motherfucking lied like I just had my friend called Because they wouldn't answer my calls anymore. I was just a little off So I left the place to go and just wasn't meant to be but that's just a landscape of things that was going through My mom and dad come I have my visa that's still a great plus. We're trying to find somewhere to live That's not working out. There's a place. I really loved I applied for and of course I sent everything I could possibly send and they passed me over for somebody else. I'm like, okay And as it's all going on I'm just mindful of the fact that my problems are getting less and less as I focus and tackle them one at a time There was a time when I was crampy. I was losing money I was infested with bed bugs and I was uncertain about my future in this country and about my Viability of taking on this massive opportunity like that was my reality once no sleep No sanity. I was crazy. So now about a place where I'm staying in a place I'm sleeping on a blow-up mattress because I threw my bed out and My mom and dad are here to support me now. They helped me clean up my apartment Just so it's a lot less crazy here The bed bug problem is completely gone Which I'm so grateful for because on some of the forums That's not people's luck at all, but I really really worked hard And now I don't have a place to live because I put my notice and actually did put my notice in That I was leaving so that it was kind of shitty, but not that bad and I kept reminding myself like this is all temporary While I'm going through everything. I'm like this is temporary And how hard you work in the worst of it will determine how temporary this is The slower you act the more that you act you indulge in self-pity The more that you indulge in comforts to get your mind off of it The longer it will take until you're fully rid of these issues, you know both literal physical issues And so I worked my ass off every single day and I told myself that I wanted to have this problem Completed by the end of this week And guess what it turns out that today, which is why I'm able to make this video I was approved for an apartment and this apartment. I basically was like look lady What do I have to give you? Here's what I have left. You can take it. Here's the contracts I have I'm going to be okay. I've been knocked on my ass right now So no, I don't have a lot in the bank per se, but believe in me and she looks at me like So what paperwork and I'm like cool. Let me do whatever I have to do and I didn't want to get a co-signer I mean I could have of course, but there's something to me Just wanting to be approved and get it on my own merit and because I was good enough And I said just run my application. Please take these contracts take my bank statements Here's a deposit. I'm good for it. Here's a letter from my landlord I was a dope-ass tenant, you know to mean like I paid rent on time Just run it and see what happens and please don't take anybody else because I know if you have anybody else You'll take them over me because I'm not a simple case and she was like, okay So she took my application and she ran it and I'm approved and it's in the area that I want it's a beautiful building it's a new home and Then I woke up this morning and as well I got my I travel itinerary for this big massive job that I'm going on and so I leave for that on Monday as well too and That's it by July I'm gonna have a completely set of life and I should have my permanent residency card I should have a new home It's a couple other things I still have to clear up But I have faith in myself that I can get the job done because I prove time and time again Then no matter what the challenges are I'm able to overcome just by separating things into small to-dos focusing on one thing at a time and Leaning on the great relationships that I've built in my uptimes to sustain me in my down times And that's the thing as well too is that you know You need to put that work in for other people because it's a renewable resource And I will always say this to you guys nothing is more important in your relationships nothing and I've been through relational drama or trauma before that shit is so much worse Bed bugs cool. I just got to worry about killing you killing a love That's weeks more now that that's over. I'm gonna think about that you break up with a bad relationship And you get over a really toxic relationship that will still sit with you even though it was bad That will still sit with you for at least six months more. So even though it's been a hard time I'm still grateful that it was a short-term pain and what I got out of that is a deeper love and appreciation for myself So it's gonna be exciting month in addition to going and traveling to do this amazing job Which I don't know if I could talk about it But you know what if you're gonna watch this video as the person who hired me and then nitpick on the contract You ain't supposed to bring it up until this day like ease up You see that your girl's hurting just ease up a little bit. I am going to be working with Trojan man How perfect is this partnership I've dreamt of a partnership like this since I began, you know fully devoted myself as a sexual educator And I just knew that when the time was right They would reach out and the time was right and the project is amazing And you guys are gonna see a lot more Trojan on my channel Which raised me to the point of in my last video when I talked about investing in myself and really putting out more Money than I could comfortably give away a lot of you guys were like let's start a crowd funder a Kickstarter for Shannon I'll never ask you guys for that, you know, like that's my job to do that for me What you guys can do for me what you are doing if you're still here is just giving me your time that investment of your time Not only allows me to grow and become greater and through your comments to feel enriched But it also allows my channel to grow and for bigger companies to recognize me and for me to get greater Opportunities and when you see me partner with a company the best thing you could do is watch that video You don't have to buy the product. There's a doesn't matter to me. Honestly. I'm not I'm not a salesperson but just watch the video give it a chance know that that's how I'm able to sustain and pay for visas I'm not gonna ask you guys to do that heavy lifting for me But just your time and support and your energy is enough and continue to help me grow in that regard And that's all that I can ask from you and that's asking a lot So thank you for anybody who has been there and a part of the journey that has brought me to this Beautiful place. I was gonna lick it But I don't want to get a paper cut on my tongue And I don't think that Trojan would like that either that I'm endorsing their products that way But we'll find a great way to talk about Trojan condoms in future videos Just want to give them a little shout out right now because that's what's making my heart smile these days I'm also going to VidCon at the end of the month if you guys are going link with me I'm talking on a sex panel and also on a panel with Maya the multi-cultural panel and It's gonna be a great next month And I'm going to have more videos for you guys and there's gonna be so many collapse from VidCon I've already nailed down like five people. I've been like you've been dodging me We're gonna collab at VidCon and so does anyone you know going to VidCon that you want me to grab I will be as aggressive as possible. There is nothing or no one that I can't take on at this point You know they mean like who are come for me who are around quit me? Nobody does so let's do this together. Thank you very much. I'm not Job I'm just Shannon Boudram a girl who is passionate about sexual education and inspiring Millennials especially to get the best they can out of life no matter what life throws you in the process Yes, I self-pleasured every single day Even though I was going through hell and back because for those three minutes that I gave myself that self-care I reminded myself. I'm okay. I can be the center of my universe and pleasure is always just a couple fingers away You didn't need that ending. I know that you didn't but I had to throw it in there Cuz I made me smile and in September a Major thing happened where I looked this guy in the face and I said it is not my fault. You're fucked up The most powerful thing I could have done. It is not my fault that you are fucked up There is nothing that I could do there is no more that I could love there is nothing that I could have said to make you a good person and You have to go on that journey for yourself and that journey does not include me when you can look your kids in The eye and say I put it all on the line for something I believed in for something that I wanted and I didn't get everything I wanted in return It didn't turn out exactly how I thought But I'm a better person because of it and I can share with you and I can inspire you to dream in yourself because I know what it feels like and so I Hope I can inspire you to dream and believe in yourself because I know what it feels like