 Today, you have a choice. You either get to hear about my mother or two tales about my vagina. One, a hilarious tragedy, and the other vagina. You want to hear about the vagina? OK, well, here. Vagina. OK. Vagina. OK. So this literal hot mess. I want to preface this story by saying that I had to pass an IQ test to get into my school. I'm a classically trained pianist. I graduated with a 4.2 and a 4.0 scale. And all this is to say that just because you're smart doesn't mean you ain't stupid. So I moved here, like, let's say, about 15 years ago. And I got out here and I'm like, I'm grown. Nobody can tell me what to do. My mama's at home and nobody knows me here. I can walk the fuck out. I started dating, as one does. When they moved to the Bay Area, since there was a whole preflora of people that I could date now. And I had just moved from the South so I could be open about being queer and everything. And then I wouldn't have to hear my mother. She sprays me in the face with holy water sometimes. And I hiss every single opportunity to say, still standing mother. So yes, so I was like, this is great. So I got on OK Cupid or OK Stupid, as we tend to call it. And I line up this date and I go out with this wonderful, amazing human being. And I'm thinking as long as they don't open their mouth too much, we're going to fuck. But it's after appetizers and they started to get chatty. So I decided maybe I should drop a hint, a subtle hint, that I'm interested and that we could go all the way. So I lean across the table and say, they pick up my hint, my Gentile delicate hint. And we travel back to their place. But before I left, I had ordered my dinner because a girl likes the dinner. And we were at TJF Friday because I thought, why not go someplace with ambiance? And I got my favorite thing there, which was anything in the Jack Daniels barbecue sauce. You remember the honey Jack Daniels barbecue sauce? It was like chicken, shrimp, like fish, like freaking beef. It was what was for fucking dinner. And I love that shit. So I was like, I'm going to take an extra little sample with me. We get back to their place. We're making out. It's hot because they've stopped talking. And I excuse myself and say, I'm going to make myself a little tasty for you. Retired to the restroom with my purse, which has my little doggie bag in it, which has my barbecue sauce in it. And I think this is a good idea as I scoop my fingers into this thing and then just slather it all over. I did not dab. I did not grace. I just went full like, labia. Like, we're going to just do this whole rub it in. Hi. Hey, I'm just talking about hot sauce in my vagina. I scurry back outside. And I'm like, I'm tasty for you. And I get on the bed. And that's when it starts to tingle. My logical mind is like, OK, I fucked around with that KY jelly you could get at CVS, like the one with the little mental elliptus or whatever. And it starts to tingle. I'm pretty sure that we are going to reach a plateau. It's not that bad. We're going to kill out. We're going to even out. I just need to give it some time. It's going to be fine, like logically. Like, why would they give something that can burn? And then my brain is like, science, casein. Oh, shit, I've been a while since I've had sex as well. I should mention that. And do you know how, like, when you haven't had your legs apart for a long time, you have not been doing yoga or Pilates? And you get that inner thigh leg cramp going on? So I am under stress. And I love your face, dude. Your face, right? You look so, like, uncomfortable. Like, this is horrible. So my leg starts to cramp up. And I'm screaming and I'm wriggling on the bed. And my poor date, they're like, oh my god, what do I do? And I'm like, it's burning. It's burning. It's burning. Like, my vagina feels like the wicked wist of the West. It's melting. There's smoke involved. And so they're down there. They are down there. And they think that they could help me by getting it off me faster with what they have, which is their mouth. So they're like, bleh, bleh, bleh. Like, really, and it's when it, and this beautiful human being happens to as well be bearded. And sometimes stuff gets trapped in beards. You know. And then it just, I now, I will never understand. So my asshole's on fire now. My leg is cramping up. And I'm just trying to push them away. And my leg is cramping. And this person thought that they were going to get it. They knew that they were going to get it. So they had prepared their bed. And their bed had sat-in sheets on it, not with an eye with an E. Sat-in fucking sheets. And so I slide off of the bed. And I hit my head on the nightstand. And I reorient myself. And I'm crawling like apocalypse now into the bathroom. And I get there. And I'm like, and they're outside the door. And I'm kind of embarrassed to open the door. And I'm like running the water. And I'm a big girl. So the water has to come up a little bit to get where it needs to get. And this person lived with three bachelors. And I'm a Virgo. I don't know if you know how Virgos roll. But we're very sensitive about our environments. And I can see under the sink, you know how under the, you know what it's like. Under the tub, the little ring in the tub. And it's like, yeah, like, yeah. And I'm sitting there. The water's rising. My vagina's screaming. And I'm just in the water hits the undercarriage of this thing. The way I wish it was hitting my undercarriage. And I could just feel the mold trekking towards me to colonize my poor, injured pussy. The moral of the story is don't. Just don't. So that's tragic tale one about my vagina. There's others. But I'm going to end this on a high note. So anybody here, Kinky? Two years ago was the first time I ever went to IMSL, which is International Miss Letter. And it was in San Jose. And I was going with my friend. And it was going to be great. And I get there. And we're talking. And she's saying everything that she's going to do. And she said, so I'm going to get fisted. And I'm like, oh, I've never been fisted. And she shouts, you've never been fisted. And it echoes out into the lobby of the double tree. Fun. And it's like a siren call because it calls over two other women who I've met in passing, who are now at our table saying, who's never been fisted? Someone's never been fisted here. You've never been fisted? And all of a sudden, it's their mission to fist me before IMSL is over, which is exciting for me. Because it's like, oh, great. Now, it felt like a tea party that was being planned. We're going to have a fisting party. So we make a time, and we're going to meet at 11 o'clock in the dungeon near this one swing and back. And I go to my room. And I prepare myself. And it's so lovely. I feel like I'm going to prom. And I get down to this swing. And I'm there on time, the one time I was on time. I was there on time. All my knees in front of this swing just waiting. And it's 11 o'clock. And it's 11 o'clock, and it's 11.10, and it's 11.15. And all of a sudden, it's too much like prom. Meow. All therapy. And so eventually, they show up. And they get me into this sling. And they touch me. And they rub me down with oil. And they say loving things in my ear. And they stroke my hair. And I'm surrounded by these three women in this body that has not had love, that has not been touched, that has either been fetishized or shunned or told that it wasn't good enough that I had no value. And I was being treated like I was precious. And one girl had the Hotachi. And I, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. And my brain and my body is caught in two different places. My brain is in this place of, oh my god, this is happening. This is really going to happen. How are they going to logically get their fists in there? Is this spread? I know it's flexible in the elastic, but it's never happened. I'm gonna be able to walk straight after this, that's why I don't care. I'll just drink. And then my body's freaking out because it's never been touched so tenderly. It's never been treated as if it was lovable, lovable. All this lovable, naked, oiled up, on a swing, legs spread wide open and they are loving me. And she gets a finger inside and another finger and another finger and another and a thumb. I lost count. We are wrist deep. And I'm terrified that this body that has not been loved is somehow broken. That I won't be able to climax or orgasm. They're expecting me to squirt. I have to do a good job. I have to prove to them that they are doing a good job. And one of the women looks to me in my eyes and says, just breathe, just let it happen. And the closer and closer I get the further and further, I back off of it until she's between me and the wall trying to keep me from escaping, going, girl, you just gonna take this shit, you just gonna take this shit, take this shit, take this love, take this love. And I climax, I come, I squirt. And even though I could do that, I squirt all the while. They are singing. Let it go, let it go. How great, how great, how great, how great, how great. Harmony. I know that I'll never look at Disney movies the same way again, one. And two, that moment, two years ago, at 33 years old, was the first time that I, as a fat, black, queer, femme, had experienced being of value. And it's something that I've never forgotten and it's something that spills out into my everyday. And now that I know what it's like to be touched like that, I'll never accept anything less. And I will always touch other people the same way. Thank you.