 Alex Feih show written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliott Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Ruse, and Whitfield, Walter Sharf and his music, yours truly, Bill Forman, and starring Alice Feih and Phil Haas. Alice's suggestion, Phil and Frankie have been attending a first-aid class, so they could help in the civilian defense effort. Last night, their instructor gave them a bandaging lesson to practice, and now as we look in, they are just finishing their homework. I said we couldn't do it. Hey, look at that neat bandaging job, ain't it, Remly? Yeah, yes, sir, Curly. We know what we're doing every minute. Every minute. Too bad we didn't have a live person to work on instead of this thing. Well, you know, Remly, we can't have everything. Hey, Willie, how do you like the bandaging job we did? Get this gauze off of my face. Uh-oh, the bandage ain't tight enough. I can still hear him. Look, I'll just wrap it around his face a little tighter like this. You dare fill up? I'm warning you. He-he-he-he. He-he-he-he. He-he-he-he. He-he-he-he. He-he-he-he. He's completely covered. I've bandaged him from head to toe and there ain't a single opening. Thanks to me? What do you mean thanks to you? What did you do? I filled in the cracks with cement. Good, good, good. Hey, you know, our first aid teacher's gonna be proud of us. I can just see your face when we bring this into class. Yeah. Hey, Curly, you pour a little cement over his head and I'll even it out with the trowel. Okay. Phil, what have you fellas been doing in here all morning? I-Phil, where on earth did you get that sloppy-looking mummy? It ain't a mummy, but you're close. This is the most gruesome-looking thing I've ever seen. That's no way to talk about your brother Willie. That's Willie? Yeah. Looks good, don't he? Now, Phil Harris, you get those bandages off him right away. But honey, this is our homework. Besides, he's all right in there. I'll show you. Hey Willie, are you all right in there? Didn't answer. Let me listen, I'll tell you. He's still alive, his heart's beating nice and fast. Or is that his watch? I hope it's his watch. I gave it to him for Christmas. Oh, Phil Harris, what have you done? Poor Willie can't breathe. Now take that bandage off his head immediately. Okay, okay. Hand me that sledgehammer, Remli. Phil, don't you- Oh, Willie, Willie, are you all right? Speak to me. Say something. Sis, for the last time, let's go to Reno and get rid of this beast. What's the idea of bandaging you, Willie, like this? Just following our teacher's instructions, she told us to work on the dummy. That's the only one we could find. What's the matter with you guys? Are you stupid or something? Now wait a minute. Don't be picking on me. I'm only taking this course because you insist it. I don't have to learn about first aid, I know all about it. You do, huh? Supposing Willie had passed out, what would you have done? I know what to do when a guy passes out. All right, what do you do? You put him under a cold shower, give him plenty of black coffee and a can of cold tomatoes. Sure cure, works on Remli every week. You fellas better forget about this first aid course. But Alice, we want to do something to help our country. Go join the other side. Oh, honey, listen to us, because Frank is right. We ought to do something. Well, if you want to help, why don't you do the one thing you're suited for? How would sinking an eight ball in the side pocket help the country? William, I'll thank you to keep one foot on the floor when you say that. Now look, why don't you fellas go to one of the army camps and entertain the boys? Hey, that's a great idea. Frankie, you and me can do the same act we used to do in the Coast Guards. Yeah, the guys love that. Oh, that'll be wonderful fellas. And I'll go along and be in the act with you. No, no, no, no, no, honey, no. You'd be out of plays. You wouldn't fit. What do you mean? This is the army. There'll be 10,000 guys there. They don't want to see a woman. What army are you talking about? Look, Alice, do me a favor. Will you go call the USO and find out if they want any entertainers in this area? All right, Phil. Hey, Curly, we'll be sensational. I got a great way to open the act. You sing. Yeah, and then we'll get off to a great... Frankie, you want a little wonga to sing? Yeah, and I want you to sing Oh What A Face, your new Victor recording that just came out yesterday and is already sweeping the country and is destined to become a great hit. Gee, that's nice of you to say that, Frankie. Thank you. You're welcome. Now, take your thumb out of my eye. When he returned to a pig farm, he told her to wait down by the rail. But when he returned, he couldn't find her. The farmer had put her up for sale. Oh What A Face, it's a disgrace to be showing it in any public place. She always liked to watch the horses when they were racing at the track. Until the day she wandered near the stable and the jockey threw a saddle on her back. Oh What A Kisser, Oh What A Mishap, to be showing it in any public trap. Her father arranged for her to marry some fella who had never seen the bride. But when she raised the veil to let him kiss her he screamed and then committed suicide. Oh What A Face, it's a disgrace to be showing it in any public place. He carried her picture in his pocket. He kept it till his ship went down at sea. It was then that he took the little locket and packed it in a box and set it free. And now that picture in the locket is floating around from sea to sea. And if by chance you ever find it, don't open it up or you will see that awful face. It's a disgrace to be showing it in any public place. Gee, I'm crazy about those love ballads. Curly, with that kind of entertainment you think they'll want us at a camp? Are you kidding Dwight? Why as soon as they find out it's me, they'll beg us to come. Well Phil, I called the USA and it's all set. Oh honey, you mean the USO, don't you? USO. Well, it's in the USA, you're half right. They told us we could, hey listen Remly, you hear that? I told you what they, hey Alice, did you tell them that it was me who was coming up to entertain? Yes, but they said to come anyway. One thing is Phil, they want us to appear at the camp tonight. The show they had planned was canceled. Well, what's the difference? We can do it tonight, we remember the act. Hey Remly, we open with you and me and the girl and then we, oh nuts. What's the matter? Well don't you remember, we used to work with a homely girl. We got laughs off her looks, remember? We got to have a homely girl for the act. Oh yeah. Well where are we going to get a homely girl? Oh Alice. I told you beanbag. I didn't mean it that way Alice. I thought maybe you could make up to look homely. Yeah, you know honey, pin your hair up, tie one of them bandanas around it and put some goo all over your face and then smear it with, you know, like you look when you go to bed at night. All right, all right. We're going to have to have the act ready for tonight. We better get started rehearsing. Okay, now look honey, you saw the act. You remember the jokes, don't you? Who doesn't? Phil, you're not going to do those tie at old chestnut. Wait a minute, them jokes ain't old. Now let's run through the act. Now remember, we come on with an opening song like this. I'm Harris. I'm Remly. I'm Faye. We're here to entertain you today with songs and happy chatter and bits of snappy patter. We're Harris and Remly and Faye. You're laughing at, nothing's happened yet. We know what's common. Did the doctor tell you how to prevent catching all those colds? He told me to wear a nightcap when I went to bed. I tried it but I couldn't sleep. Why not? The ginger ale kept dripping in my eyes. I don't get us a booth at the fair and mother were popping that corn. I hear your new girl, I hear that your new girlfriend is a Irish Colleen. What does she look like? Well, you know that song, a little bit of heaven fell from out the sky one day? Yeah, what about it? When it fell, it must have hit her right in the kisser. Where did you meet my girl, Harris? Why, here comes McCushler now. Hiya, Cush. Fresh. What makes you think you can pick up a strange girl whose phone number is Hollywood 8-4-2-6? If a man answers, that's me. I found that way in the morning. This is Irish. McCushler, why are you late for our appointment? I couldn't help it. On the way down I gave a couple of service men a lift. Why should that make you late? I haven't got a car and it ain't easy carrying those guys all the time. Don't overdo it, honey. You're getting a little too old for that leg kick. Hey, I gotta get going. I got a new job. I'm a sopper in a shipyard. A sopper in a shipyard? Yeah, when they break a bottle of champagne over a ship, I stay down below and stop it up. Hey, so fellas, it's time to go now, but keep remembering... I'm Harris. I'm Remly. I'm... We're sorry to leave you today. We hope you like our chatter and fits a snappy pattern. We're harry- We're rehearsing our act. Didn't you hear our routines? We're getting ready for television. We're gonna do this act at the army camps. You can't do that! The government asked us to help out in the last war. They even sent us overseas to entertain, and the troops loved us. The soldiers were able to understand us. We did it for the American side. Didn't we, Remly? I think so. I'm pretty sure we did it. Julius, I'm gonna be in the act, too. Don't do it, Miss Faye. Don't become a party to that subvoice of activity. All right. We can prove we got a good act. We're going to the camp right now, and if you come along, smart guy, you can see for yourself. I wouldn't miss it for the world. Thank fellas, it's late. It'll take us a couple of hours to get to the camp. We'd better go. I'll get my coat and you get the car out. All right, honey, okay. Come on, Frankie. And you, too, Julius. Phillip, before you go, may I ask a favor? Oh, oh, it's you, Willie. Gee, I forgot about you. What do you want? Will you please take the rest of the bandages off my body? I've got time now, Willie, later. All right, Alice, you ready? I'll be thick. Now I'm supposed to say what music. She says the music for my song. What song and zip she's into it like that. Who cares what banks fail in your girls? As long as you've got a kid, why should I care? Life is one long way, and that's how it will always be. Nothing else can ever mean a thing. Here's what banks fail in. And doubt the soldiers look smart in their uniforms. They sure are tall enough to be drafted. So do I. No, I wish you were. How do we get in this place? Well, we just go up to the gate and show them our passage. Oh, my goodness, they told me to stop at the USO and pick up passes and I forgot. Oh, gosh, now how are we going to get in? Honey, honey, you're forgetting your with Phil Harris. Everybody recognizes me. My face opens any door. My face got that way from opening door. I wish you'd be quiet, will you please? As soon as that guard over there sees me, you'll open them gates like that. Watch this. All right, son, you can open them gates now and let us in. No tourists, a lot on the post. Tourists, take another look, bud. Now tell me, who am I? You don't know either, huh? You mean to stand there in your big fat army shoes and tell me that you don't know who I am? No, I don't. Oh, this guy's been in too long. Look, bud, I'll give you a hint. Once you come with me to Alabama, let's go see my dear old mammy. She's frying eggs and brawling ammy. That's what I like a lot this time of the year. Now, do you know who I am? Yeah, but even if you're K. Kaiser, you're not getting any. It'd be to set burl lives or von Monroe. But K. Kaiser, they even settle for Rudy Valley. Soldier, I guess I'm going to have to tell you who I am. I'm Phil Harris. Don't make no difference who you are. You're not getting in here without a pass. Step aside, Curly. I'll get it soon. Look, soldier, my name is Remly and I... Remly? You mean, frankly, Remly the world's greatest left-hand guitar player? The man who's hyped by millions of people on the radio every Sunday? In person. How do I get in? Beat it, you bum. Talk to me like that and get away with it. Now, Franky, Franky, control yourself. You fellas aren't doing so well. I'll show you how to get in. All right. Soldier, will you please open the gate for me? Now, look, I told you I won't, won't, won't, won't. Well... Keep the general lit in the window, Sergeant. I'm coming in late tonight. Hold it, soldier. This girl happens to be... Why is your forehead... Now then, what do you want, Blondie? Uh, can I come in? No, but if you wait there, I'll come out. But I'd rather come in and I'm sure a great, big, handsome man like you wouldn't refuse little old me. Would you? Curly, what's she trying to do? Dying of fine oil. I think she's given an imitation of Sophie Tucker. Hey, look, soldier, I'm trying to tell you... Can't lost, Grandpa. You know something, honey, you're a cute thing. You soldiers are all alike. They told me that during the last war. And the war before that, and the war before that. All right! Just try to get us in. Well, you don't have to act like a bilious Tallulah. You can see the guy ain't gonna let us in. Oh, he will if I tell him who I am. Look, soldier, I happen to be Alice Fay. Alice Fay? The big moving picture star from 20th Century Fox. Oh, gee, Miss Fay, I've always wanted to meet you. Would you do me a big favor? What is it? Can you get me a pin-up picture of Betty Gravel? Hey, Gravel! Wait a minute, Alice, wait a minute. Can't you see we're wasting our time? This guy ain't gonna let us in. You wait here with Julius and me and Frankie will try another gate. This is the place where I have to tear it apart. Come on, Julius, let's you and I sit in the car. Yeah, you wait in the car, Miss Fay. I want to talk to this soldier. Hey, mister, gee, you're lucky to be in the Army. Yeah, ain't I? How did you manage to get in? I got pulled. A bribe here, a bribe there. Uniform, but I'm not old enough. I thought you could help me. Would you tell me how to get in? I'll make a deal with you. I'll tell you how to get in if you tell me how to get in. I think it's the finest thing in the world for young fellas. You know, the good food and the... Hey, the suitcase is getting out of the bus. Ah, that's a new batch of draftees just coming in. I'm not a long kid, I got work to do. All right, you guys, falling! Enough talking, you're in the Army now. Left face! That's one way of getting in, Gates. No, they wouldn't let us in there either. There must be some way of getting in here. I think I know a way you two can get in here. Oh, you do how? Do you see that bunch of civilians marching in now? The guys with the suitcases. Yeah, who are they? That's the band that's going to play for the USO show. Yeah? Oh, well, thanks, kid. We'll follow them. Hey, look, in the meantime, you go get Alice. Come on, Remly. At last we're going to get in. And how are you going to get in? You look like a heel doing this to our Army. But, say, look at... Soldiers now, break ranks and report to barracks. Remly, how'd we get these GI haircuts? And these uniforms, take a look at these uniforms. My coat is shorter than the haircut. Don't bother me, will you? I'm still weak from the shots they gave me. Curly, what happened to us? Well, now, let me see. We followed these civilians in. Two guys grabbed us, cut our hair through uniforms on us. And the next thing I knew, we were standing here with a tin plate full of spam. Who said this country can't mobilize fast? Mobilize? Remly, we've been drafted. Watch your language, Curly. Hey, we must have gotten the wrong line. What are we going to do? We've decided, don't you understand? It's all a mistake. Come on, we're going to get out of here. It's a big place. How do we get out? Well, we get somebody to open the gate for us. There's got to be some... Hey, look there. There comes a nice-looking old man. See him? The guy with the three stars on his shoulder. What do three stars mean? Oh, no. I'll ask him. Hey, Hennessy! Are you talking to me, soldier? You don't see nobody else around, do you? Stand at attention and salute me. Look, Mac, I'm a hundred years old. I ain't got no time to play no games with you. What a flagrant display of insubordination. I have a good mind to have you. They get easy, Pop. Yeah, watch your blood, Craig. Better watch that blood, Doc. At your edge, your level of pop wide open. You men know who I am. Hey, Remly, maybe this is Cade Kaiser. I happen to be the CEO. Do you know what CEO means? Yes. It's an abbreviation for company. We went to school, you know. Now tell me, what does INC mean? Well, that means incorporated. In other words, when a company has a board of directors, they... Quiet! You're the only one who's talking. Silence! But when you're talking to a superior officer, stand at attention. Okay, okay. If you want to make like MacArthur, I'll go along with a gag. I'm at attention. Look smart, soldier. Look smart. That leaves you out, Remly. Quiet! Throw your chest out and pull your stomach in. When you throw your chest out, pull your stomach in. I can't. At my age, they go together. I'm not a sponsor for this. What company are you with? Well, first I was with Fitz Shampoo. Then I went with Rex Hall and they found out, now I ain't got no sponsor. Would you care to sponsor us? I think we could pedal generals on the air. You can get us cheap. We'd love to work. Oh, no. How do they expect me to get an army out of these morons that are sending me? For the last time, what company are you with? A, B, D, or F? That's humor, Curly. Pick a letter. Okay, we'll pick B. You're with Company B. Well, thank heavens I won't have to put up with you much longer. Well, what do you mean by that? Company B sales for overseas tonight. Overseas? Did you hear that, Remly? You jerk. 26 letters in the alphabet. You ought to pick the one that's going overseas. Now, look, sir, we're really not in the army. You see? Silence! I'm putting you two in the guardhouse until sailing time. You can't do that, sir. You're not going to do that. Oh, no! You're putting all these men in the guardhouse. The deal was a good thing that you got here and cleared this whole thing up. They wouldn't believe that we weren't soldiers. I hadn't been for you. We would have been on our way overseas now. Come on, let's go home before you two disrupt the entire defense program. And tell me something. How did you fellas manage to get into the army in the first place? Well, it was like this. We were walking along, minding our business, when out of the north. Now, here, head of hoppers in formal show, then theater guilds on NBC.