 Suspense! Autolight and its 96,000 dealers present radio's famous couple, Ozzie and Harriet Nelson. In Mr. Diogenes, a suspense play produced and edited by William Spear. Well, here's a letter from Hap still on vacation. Let me read this. Dear Harlow. Dear Harlow, this is the light. He must mean double life with those thrifty, wide-gap autolight-resistor spark plugs that give you double the life as compared to ordinary spark plugs under equal service conditions. I've been saving up my voice to tell you. Saving? He knows that only wide-gap autolight-resistor spark plugs can give him greater gas savings. Did I feel like singing? And with autolight-resistor spark plugs, his car engine idles as easily as a song. Home, home on the ring. Home is right, and that exclusive, built-in, 10,000-ohm autolight resistor found only in autolight-resistor spark plugs permits a wide-spark gap that makes smoother performance, double life, and greater gas savings possible. So next time you visit your service station, ask your dealer to install a set of the new autolight-resistor spark plugs in your car. And remember, you're always right with autolight. And now, with Mr. Diogenes and the performance of Ozzie and Harriet Nelson, autolight hopes once again to keep you in suspense. It was last summer. Dave and Ricky were at camp, and Harriet and I were spending a few weeks at our old apartment in New York. The excitement began with six cents. A nickel and a penny. I didn't find out about the nickel until later. That was all over, but that's the way things go sometimes. Caesar didn't know about Brutus. Custer didn't know about Sitting Bull. And I didn't know about the nickel. Conversation must have gone something like this. Hello. This is Hector. You crazy fool. I told you not to call me. But no one could be listening in on your switchboard, my dear. As you realize, we are on the very brink. Before proceeding further, I must have your assurance there have been no changes. I told you that. Nelson is still the one. Right. Oh, come yourself, my dear. Oh, he talks afterwards, so they start asking him questions. You have my assurance he won't talk. Yeah, but just... No one ever got a straight story out of a dead man. What? Tell me, I thought you understood that. No, no, I don't want any part of this. Unfortunately, my dear, you already have a part of it. Nelson is down the street in a tobacco shop at this very moment. We'll be good friends inside of ten minutes. Goodbye. You lose the bet, Eddie. I haven't gained a pound. Take a look at the card. Uh, are you sure you had both feet on the scale? You mean you're questioning my word, the word of an Eagle Scout Emeritus? Eagle Scout. Troop 3, Ridgefield Park, New Jersey. A Scout's Honor, see? Both feet on the scale. Now, as I recall, the bet was two bits against a can of pipe tobacco. I'll take gold nugget. No dice. All out of gold nugget, ever since they started that crazy radio program of theirs. Uh, let's see. How about some of this, hmm? What's the matter? See, that's a funny one. Look, I'll refund your penny. No, no, no, no. No, the card here. Hey, look at my fortune. Today will be the most memorable day of your life. So what? So it's memorable. Today's our anniversary, you know. Yeah? Oh, that's just a coincidence. Sure. Did you ever see a card like this before, Eddie? Uh, as every time a guy gets weighed, I don't run right quick and peek over his shoulder. No, but the wording is so peculiar. The most memorable day of your life. That's a pretty broad statement for a scale company to make. Tell you what? If it turns out a bust, come back tomorrow and we'll dope out a nasty letter to the scale people. Okay, Eddie. Thanks for the tobacco. Forget it, so long. So long. The most memorable day of your life. Oh. Kind of strange at that. The most memorable day of your life. Oh! Oh, I'm sorry. I was just thinking of that. My fault entirely. You know, Harry didn't look where I was going. Forgive me, please. My fault entirely. Should have looked where I was going. Sorry. Hey, hey, wait a minute. You dropped your wallet. Hey, mister. Hey, just a minute, will ya? Here you dropped your wallet. Wallet? Oh, yes, I know. It was lucky I caught up with you. I'm quite aware I dropped my wallet, young man. Thank you so much. You mean you make a hobby of dropping wallets? You hit the nail on the head, sir. This is a red letter day on my calendar. The most memorable day of my life. Oh, well, it was... What did you say? The most memorable day of my life, mister... Nelson. Ozzie Nelson. Mr. Nelson. Allow me to introduce myself, sir. My name is Diogenes. Diogenes? Hector Diogenes. I seek the honest man. Oh, well, that's very interesting, Mr. Diogenes. The wallet you see is full of stage money. I have dropped it at the feet of a hundred only a thousand candidates just as I did a moment ago. Allow me to congratulate you, Mr. Nelson. You are the first to pick it up and return it to me unhesitatingly. Oh, tell me, do you plan to be home tonight? Well, as a matter of fact, no. It's our anniversary and Mrs. Nelson and I plan to celebrate. Oh dear, too bad, too bad. You'll simply have to change your plans. There's no other way. I beg your pardon? I admit, sir, my methods may seem a bit eccentric, but this I permit myself. With five millions of dollars, a man may allowance of the luxury of eccentricity. My goal, my target has never changed from the first, to discover the honest man, then to indoctrinate him with the wisdom of my ancient namesake, Diogenes the cynic. That hurdle passed. My fortune, my resources, everything are at his disposal. But now, women, just a minute, let me get the thing straight. Very simple. Sure, in this leather-covered book are the discourses of Diogenes. The wisdom of the greatest thinker the world has ever known in 20 short pages. Now, you will take this with you, Mr. Nelson, and commit it to memory tonight. Tomorrow morning, at nine o'clock here at this very place, we shall meet. And I will hear you recite. Now, time is of the essence, sir. Spend it well, spend it gloriously tonight at the feet of Diogenes the cynic. Your fortune, your future, and the world itself, are within your grasp. And now, good day, sir. Wait, no, just a minute. Good day, and Godspeed, good day. Yeah, I guess so. How's the new hairdryer work? Oh, wonderfully, see? All dry. Well, for once, I gave you something useful for Christmas. You certainly did. Oh, gosh, I'm so excited about tonight. Oh, that's nice. Dinner, a show, maybe dancing afterwards. Shouldn't I be excited? Uh, Harriet, that brings up a very touchy problem. Oh? A strange thing happened to me today. Sort of weird, you might say. In fact, I don't know what to make of it. Well, you've heard about that already. About what? The tickets. Oh, I thought that's what you meant. Everybody in the building here got a free pair of tickets to South Pacific tonight. You're kidding. No, sir. They were stuck under all the front doors. No note or explanation. Just a pair of tickets and a plain white envelope. South Pacific? Oh, they're worth a small fortune, you know. How come? Nobody knows. Well, but a thing like that just doesn't happen. There must be a reason. You say everybody got them? Well, not quite. Twelve apartments, eleven envelopes. Three guesses who missed out. Us? Uh-huh. But I took it gracefully. I told everybody we were still going to celebrate our anniversary, even if we had to buy tickets to something. Gosh. Harriet, does something about today strike you as kind of different? Well, sure, it's our anniversary. That makes a difference. No, no, I mean something strange. You might even say memorable. Memorable? What I mean is if somebody happened to predict that today would be a very memorable day, all this would sort of bear them out, wouldn't it? Ozzie, has Madame Zaza been reading your palm again? Well, not Madame Zaza, but a scale. On my way to work this morning, I got on a scale at Eddie's. Oh, I'll get it there. Hello, Mrs. Pearson. This is Nelson. I hope you don't mind the intrusion. Hello, Mr. Nelson. Hello, Mrs. I guess you heard Lemmy was home. My husband, Captain Pearson, ship got in last night. And as usual, Lem's completely done in, but completely. I couldn't get Captain out tonight with a team of wild horses, so I want you to have these. Oh, what's this? The tickets. To South Pacific? Yes, I heard you folks missed out and it seemed such a shame being your anniversary and all. Oh, that's very sweet of you, Mrs. Pearson, but I should thank your husband. Not the Captain. No, sir. Home he is and home he stays. So take him and have a good time. No skin off our noses. We're going to stay home tonight and watch the television. The fights are on. Lem's never seen our new set, you know. Oh, and speaking of television, there was something I did want to mention, Mrs. Nelson. I hope you won't take offense. Well, of course not. What is it? Uh, it's that thing over there on the table. The hairdryer? Uh-huh. It's strange, but every time you turn it on, we get buzzing on our television. I was hoping while Captain's home you could use the daytime instead of night time. Well, of course. I wish you'd told me before. Oh, I don't mind for myself, but now with Lem home. Oh, I'll remember, Mrs. Pearson, and thanks for the ticket. Oh, sure, it's nothing at all. That's what neighbors are for, you know. Have a good time now and happy anniversary. Oh, thank you and good night, Mrs. Pearson. Good night. Oh, boy, that was a seven-day blow. I know, but she is sweet. Isn't it wonderful, dear? Now we can go after all. Harriet, before we go any further, I'm going to have to ask your full cooperation. That sounds like a speech. It is a short one. To state it as boldly as possible, I don't know whether we ought to go out and celebrate or stay home and study Greek. Harriet, I... Say it again. Slower. I said we have one of two alternatives. To go out to South Pacific or stay home and study Greek. Well, I hear I realize it calls for a short explanation. See, while I was at this... Do you mind the radio, dear? No. But what is Caesar to a cynic but Zeus, who hath deputed him and whom he serves? I'm glad you asked that. Oh, please. It's 7.30, dear. I just thought you might like to know. I get this, right on the subject. I'm listening. A woman came upon Diogenes sitting before his hut during the revels of Bacchus. Foolish man, she said. Why do you turn your back on this festival? Why rest idly here while others go to play at the theater? A very good question. What did Diogenes say? And the man answered simply, Woman, I am Diogenes, the cynic. Ah, he was cheating. He didn't answer the question at all. Well, what do we do? I think it's a practical joke. No, not necessarily. Nothing unusual about a loony millionaire, you know. I read about a woman who left $6 million to a cat. It's a gamble. If we go out tonight and he shows up tomorrow, we lose a fortune. On the other hand, if I stay home with Diogenes, I'll... Uh-huh. I'll lose it anyway. I couldn't memorize this thing for $10 million. Where's your coat? I'm in it. Here's your hat. You're always ahead of me. This is the show you've been waiting for, the gold nugget, gold rush. Get the radio, will you, dear? Yes, folks, here it is. The show that just loves to give money away. No refrigerators, no mink coats, no... We can grab a taxi down by the drugstore. Did you lock the back door? Yep. Say, maybe we better go down the stairs. It's quicker. All right. Hey, look, the elevator's coming up. Well, that's funny. I thought everybody was out to the show tonight. Well, maybe it's the Pearsons. No, they're on the first floor, right next to the lobby. Well, look, who's here for heaven's sake? Good evening, Mr. Nelson. Harry, this is Mr. Diogenes, the man I was telling you about. Oh, how do you do? And may I present my assistant, Mr. Mordecai Moran. Oh, yeah. Oh, how do you do? We decided to go out after all, Mr. Diogenes. I sought a skim through the book and... Well, frankly, I could never get it down pat by tomorrow morning. Ozzie always was slow to memorize. Yeah. I have to write things down. That's right. But, Mr. Nelson, I thought I made that amply clear. You simply have to change your plans. Well, I'm afraid it's too late for that. See, my wife has been very anxious to see the show. He's stumped. He's stumped, boss. He don't get it. Does this help any, pal? Mordecai, for the moment, you may put away the gun. Is this part of the joke, Ozzie? Well, I hope so. On the contrary, Mr. Nelson, this is most assuredly not a joke. I must warn you not to cry out or create a disturbance. If you are so rash as to do so, Mordecai knows he is free to use his gun with impunity. Yeah, impunity. Now, get in there now! Oh! Oh! Oh! Don't do it! You Ozzie and Harriet Nelson and Mr. Diogenes, tonight's production and radio's outstanding theater of thrills, suspense! Now, let's see what else Hap has to say in his letter. Yesterday I visited the Grand Canyon. What a wide gap. Ah, good old Hap. All he can think of is the extra wide gap of auto-light resistor spark plugs that give you smoother engine performance on leaner gas mixtures, actually save you gas. Sometimes I think of you back there telling folks about auto-light resistor spark plugs. Ah, he's on the beam all right, because only auto-light resistor spark plugs can give you greater gas savings, smoother performance, and double spark plug life. And don't forget my seal beam headlights. Don't worry I won't, because auto-light, bullseye, seal beam headlights are the new safe headlights guaranteed to give light even when the lens is cracked or broken. Harlow, you remember everything. So friends, see your auto-light dealer tomorrow and get a set of wide gap auto-light resistor spark plugs for your car. Then, wherever you travel, whatever you drive, you're always right with auto-light. And now, auto-light brings back to our Hollywood soundstage our stars. Ozzie and Harriet Nelson with Joseph Kearns in Mr. Diogenes. A tale well-calculated to keep you in suspense. It took a little while to get rid of the notion that Mr. Diogenes was pulling a practical joke. He just walked out of a comic strip somewhere. But he wasn't kidding. His little pea guys had greed in the mouth. And something cruel about his floppy fat jowls and his thick lips is like one of those blown up animals in Macy's Christmas Parade. Mordecai. He looked like he'd crawled out from under the reptile house at the Bronx Zoo. The men at the door closed, both of them headed for the radio. It's a nice radio you have here. Very nice. Where would the switch be, Mr. Nelson? Oh yes, here we go. Now listen to me. Before you settle down for the evening, whatever you want, we don't have. Can you understand that? It's some other Nelson. New York is crawling with Nelson's. There are more Nelson's in New York than there are in Sweden. Furthermore, we aren't rich. Mordecai. Don't collect slants for a comic project. I see, look out. That's enough, Mordecai. Everything in its place, Mr. Nelson. And in its proper time. Everybody, the gold nugget gold rush. Number 16, the gold nugget gold rush finance. Fight please. Now stands as the biggest prize ever offered on any giveaway program anywhere. Tonight, after 16 weeks, nobody has yet identified poor Mr. Hakeway, the man who smokes the wrong kind of pipe tobacco. And our gold nugget gold rush finance jackpot stands at the all-time high of $1,000 in cash. But I think I'm catching on. Tonight, as usual, our phone call will go out to one of the thousands of discriminating men who long ago discovered the rich, bite-free mellowness of gold nugget pipe tobacco. And tonight, as usual, our pony express rider is waiting at his post with $58,000 in greenbacks and the saddlebags ready to go if our contestant correctly guesses the identity of that unenlightened, misguided, long-suffering fella who smokes the wrong kind of pipe tobacco. Poor Mr. Hakeway. Now, while we're getting Mr. Hakeway out of his wheelchair and up to the mic, stand by your phone. Turn that down, Mordecai. Yeah, boss. Hey, couldn't help hearing you say you were catching on, Mr. Nelson. Ozzie, they're calling you tonight. Ask Mr. Diogenes. Exactly, exactly. Perhaps you didn't realize, Mr. Nelson, how lucky you were. Well, how did you find out about it? Oh, shall I? No, no, no, Mordecai. I don't think we need to concern ourselves with the possibility either of these charming people would behave indiscreetly after it's over. I became acquainted a short time ago with the telephone operator on this program, Mr. Nelson, and she informed me, in return for a share of the proceeds, that you were selected early this week. It then became a simple problem of ensuring against intrusion by the other denizens of the building here. That's where the tickets came from. Oh, precisely. And ensuring also that you would be at home at the time the call was made. Hence my little gambit with the wallet this morning. Now, attend me carefully. The call will come through in a moment. I shall take it, a word and outcry from either of you, and Mordecai shoots. Is that quite clear? Yeah, but you know you'll never get away with it. Enough, enough. While we're waiting for the connection here once again is poor Mr. Hakaway. He scratches a match. He lights his pipe. Of course, because it's the wrong kind of pipe tobacco. To the lucky man who's getting tonight's call. Who is Mr. Hakaway? Stidina, don't take your eyes off the Mordecai head. Hello. This is the gold nugget gold rush radio program, sir, for security reasons we are identifying you only as Mr. ON. Would you give me your name, please? Oswald G. Nelson. Fine, fine. You, sir, are our lucky contestant tonight. Is your radio tuned to our program, sir? Indeed it is. Good, good. Then you know about poor Mr. Hakaway. Have you any idea who he is? I think so. Remember, you only have one guess. If correct, our gold nugget pony express rider will arrive at your home with $58,000 in cash within the hour. I don't need to point out that's a load of hate. So don't hurry. Think carefully. Think, Mr. ON. Take your time and think. Is poor Mr. Hakaway. Harpo Marx. Harpo Marx, Harpo, you're absolutely correct. Harpo Marx it is. Congratulations, Mr. ON. You've just won yourself $58,000 in cash. Our messenger is on his way. Oh, goodbye, Mr. ON, and congratulations. Yes, goodbye, sir. All right, what happens now? Mrs. Nelson and I shall remain here to receive the messenger. You will retire to the rear with Mordecai. All right, quickly now. Take him in back. Well, he shoved me in the bedroom closet and locked the door. And I heard his steps fade off a little, probably to the bed across the room. A string hit me on the nose, and I remembered the light in the closet. It was 8.15. The messenger'd be here in a half hour, maybe less. After that, I didn't want to think about after that, so I tried to fix my mind on something else. And that's when my eye lit on something lying next to a hat box and Harriet's side of the closet. It was a new hairdryer. For some reason or other, this made me think of Captain and Mrs. Pearson. Dear, it's as simple as ABC. Look. I don't know what happened, Mary. All of a sudden, a picture listed heavy departments began to spit at me. Why, there's nothing to it. It's beyond me how you can drive a steamer, Captain, yet throw up your hands when it comes to a television. See this knob here. This is for sound. And this is for your picture. Oh, dear. You see, that's what happened before. I don't understand it. Let me... Oh, I know it's Mrs. Nelson. Is it? But it can't be. Can it? No, I gave her our tickets. They're out. What are you talking about, Mary? Her electric dryer does that. Maybe she changed her mind and stayed at home. I'll run right up. Oh, forget it. No use raising the hob over a little thing like that. How do you turn it off? Well, here, let me. The fights don't come on for an hour anyway. She'll likely have her hair dry by then. Funny they didn't go to the show. Wait a minute. If I'd known that, I'd... Me? What's the matter, Lem? Wait, wait. Don't turn it off. Let me listen. There's the messenger. Now, remember, Mrs. Nelson, not a sign, not a move. Go ahead. Here's. Oswald G. Nelson? Yes, that's right. Happy prize money to you. Happy prize money to you. Happy prize money, Mr. Oswald G. Nelson. From the gold nugget people to you. Here's your package, sir. Congratulations. Oh, thank you. Who's those gentlemen with you? These bums? Oh, these fellows are from the armored car people. Mr. Nelson, for security reasons, your name won't be released to the press until tomorrow afternoon. We suggest you tell no one about this until the money is deposited. That's very sensible. Very. Thank you, my good man. Thank you. Good night. Good night, sir. Mordecai. Mordecai. We've got it. We've got it. Hold my hand, will you? Sure. Shut up. Mordecai, you'll bring the car around as quickly as possible, understand? Yes, sir. I don't want to seem nosy, but where are we going? Mordecai and I are going to Cuba. What about us? What are you going? Oh, yes, indeed. Well, that's a good question, but perhaps a little beyond us, don't you think? More a question for a metaphysician or a philosopher, I should say. Yes. And now, if you'll step out into the lobby, we'll... Who's that? I don't know. Stand right there. Don't move. Let's try and blow you to David Jones with this hair, so you go on 45. Ozzie, it's Captain Tearson. Ozzie. Oh, dear, he's passed out. Mrs. Nelson, you certainly lived a lifetime in the last hour. That clever husband of yours making a morse code SOS with that hairdryer. I don't know the shakes, but I think how close we come to turning the television off. Me, too. What's that man with Ozzie? I don't know. He came up just as lemon the officer took off in the patrol car. Oh, would you excuse me for a minute, Mr. Tearson? Why, you won't go ahead. Yes, I figured it wrong, then. I get $2.25, but if you say $1.79, well, I guess you ought to know. Good. I shall let you have it now. I just happen to have some spare change in my pocket. Oh, I guess I'll be all right. Okay. There's a dollar, 50, 75, and two, four. I'll make $79, all right? Right on. Here's your package. All square. All square. Thanks a lot, Mr. Nelson. Good night. Good night. Ozzie, you're getting the $58,000. Well, sure, everything settles now. It's all square. Who was it? Well, the income tax man. Oh, no. Come on, silly. Let's find a taxi. We've still got time to make the second act. Suspense, presented by Auto Light. Tonight's stars, Ozzie and Harriet Nelson, with Joseph Kearns playing Mr. Diogenes. Ozzie, I've been hearing you and Harriet on your H.J. Heinz program, the adventures of Ozzie and Harriet. Oh, thanks. And we've been listening to suspense regularly. They want to quit while you're even, Harlow? No, no. I want to tell you about Auto Light resistor spark plugs. Look out, Ozzie. The man's trying to sell you something. Oh, no, Harriet. Auto Light resistor spark plugs sell themselves. Really? Oh, then what do they need you for, Harlow, old boy? Yes, you're talking yourself out of a job. Maybe I should have quit while I was even. Oh, come on, Harlow. Now, we want you to keep on working. What else is there to tell about your Auto Light resistor spark plugs? Well, just this, Ozzie. They're one of more than 400 products made by Auto Light for cars, trucks, planes and boats in 28 plants, coast to coast. And these Auto Light products include complete electrical systems used as original equipment in many makes of America's finest cars, batteries, spark plugs, generators, coils, distributors, starting motors and bullseye sealed beam headlights. All engineered to fit together perfectly, work together perfectly because they're a perfect team. So, friends, don't accept electrical parts supposed to be as good. Ask for and insist on Auto Light, original factory parts at your neighborhood service station, car dealer, garage or repair shop. Remember, you're always right with Auto Light. Next Thursday for suspense, Rosalind Russell will be our star. The play is called Consideration, and it is, as we say, A tale well-calculated to keep you in suspense. Tonight's suspense play was produced and edited by William Spear and directed by Norman MacDonald. Music for suspense is composed by Lucien Moraweck and conducted by Lud Bluskin. Mr. Diogenes is an original play for radio by Harold Swanton. In the coming weeks, you will hear such stars as Kirk Douglas, Marlena Dietrich and Richard Widmark. Don't forget, next Thursday, same time, Auto Light will present suspense starring Rosalind Russell. Resistor or regular spark plugs, Auto Light's day full batteries, Auto Light electrical parts at your neighborhood Auto Light dealers. Switch to Auto Light. Good night. From Maine to California and in far off overseas outposts, the USO flag is flying once again. Those of us back home can now be sure that the USO is taking good care of our sons and brothers and loved ones on active duty with America's armed forces. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.