 Lux presents Hollywood. The Lux Radio Theatre brings you Douglas Fairbanks Jr. and Martha Scott in third finger left hand. Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. Cecil B. DeMille. Greetings from Hollywood ladies and gentlemen. In times of stress in the world, there's more satisfaction than ever in the job of producing plays for the Lux Radio Theatre. That's because trouble, knits, families, and nations closer together. And we know that for one hour every week, a great family that sprawls across the whole continent turns its ears to this stage. Farmer and businessman, shipbuilder and aircraft worker, soldier and sailor, mother and dad, all of you who lend us your ears. Our job is to make you laugh, to stir you with drama and bring us all together in a spirit of friendship and goodwill. Tonight we have a gay comedy, and comedy is something the doctor orders for all of us in times like these. And it's doubly welcome when our stars are such charming and talented players as Douglas Fairbanks Jr. and Martha Scott. The play is third finger left hand. Those words may suggest the place where the gentleman always puts the lady's wedding ring, but don't let the title of this Metro Goldwood Mayor hit fool you. In this romantic comedy, Martha Scott puts the ring on her own third finger left hand, then makes up an imaginary husband. And when the debonair Mr. Fairbanks turns up claiming to be the husband, the situation is a bit too much for Martha, even though she is the smartest businesswoman in town. They say it's only the married women who know how to mix business and romance, because it takes intelligent buying to run a happy home just as it does to run a business. And one of the keys to that secret is Lux toilet soap. My grandmother down in Washington, North Carolina once told me that during the war between the states, she had to make her own soap. She said it was hard work and the finished product wasn't anything to get excited about. But perhaps women in those days didn't really know what good soap was. In fact, if I could have shown my grandmother a cake of Lux soap and told her how little it cost, grandma would probably have fixed me with a reproving stare and suggested that I tell that one to the Yankees. Lux toilet soap would have been a miracle then. And perhaps it still is. When Bill Powell and Mona Loy were overtaken by a touch of flu last week, we canvassed Hollywood to find the stars who were best fitted for the leading parts and third finger left hand. Our first choices were Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. and Martha Scott. And fate was very kind because they were both available. Now we raise the curtain on the first act of third finger left hand, starring Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. as Jeff Thompson and Martha Scott as Margo Merrick. Smart, the magazine for the smart woman is exactly what its title indicates. And smart is the word for its business office, a modern panorama of black leather chairs and chromium fixtures. Smart is also the adjective for its editor-in-chief, Mrs. Margo Merrick. But you'll have to add very young, very pretty and very wise and to be accurate at the moment, very busy. Now please, Mrs. Merrick, about this layout, please, now about this... Please, please, I'll take you one at a time. Hello? Oh, hello, Phillip. Yes, I'll have time in a minute. Come on here. Mrs. Merrick, this is a wonderful boarder. Steve, you're a wonderful printer and I know it's spring, but put the forget-me-not boarders on some other magazine. Try them on the editor of the Mining Engineer's Monthly. About Mrs. Merrick. Martin, I want you to wire Chicago and hold publication one day. But we can't. Hello? Yes, send it in. I'll okay it. Look, Mrs. Merrick, a day's delay. Means I show the spring collections a month ahead of the other magazines. Well, that's no trick for a clever executive like you, Martin. You'll work it out, I'm sure. Yes, Mrs. Merrick, of course. Now, everybody outside, please, I'll see you all later. Mrs. Merrick, yes, Jane? Mr. Booth is here. Oh, send him in. Come in, Phillip. Hello, Margot. Sit down. Sorry to keep you waiting, Phillip. I'm really up to my ears today. Oh, that's all right. I never mind waiting for you. Oh, did you bring the copyright waivers, Phillip? Right here. Two copies for you and two for the author. Leave them and I'll check them over tonight. Oh, Margot, are you giving me the rush? Well, Phillip, of course not. Come in. Mrs. Merrick, I, yes, Martin? Mrs. Merrick, on behalf of the staff, we wanted to, I mean, well, this is your first wedding anniversary and we, we got you a desk clock and here it is and I hope you like it. Happy anniversary. Thank you, Martin. That was sweet of them, wasn't it? Yes. Now, Margot, now that the subject's come up of itself, don't you think you ought to talk about it? Your marriage, I mean. Oh, Phillip again? Well, you've got to take steps. You can't go on tied to a husband who doesn't even care enough to want to see you. Oh, but he does. I'm sure he does. He certainly has got a fine way of showing it. Wandering all over South America, he hasn't seen you since your honeymoon. Phillip, dear, I'm trying to work. Oh, but this is important, Margot. He couldn't care about you and stay away. I got a letter from him this morning. I think this would convince even you how Tony feels about me. Where is he? Well, the letter's postmarked for... Oh, but what's the difference, Phillip? Oh, Margot, it's your life I'm talking about. You're happiness. Phillip, if you promise to stop being jealous and go away to your law office and let the lady alone, she'll have lunch with you and we'll talk it all over them. Agreed? Oh, well, all right then. One o'clock the parker grill and try to be on time, will you? I'll be there. Don't worry. Bye. Bye. Yes, Jane? Mr. Winker would like to see you. Send him in, please. Good morning, Gussie. If you have time, Margot, you could look at these layouts now. I don't know whether I should or not, Gussie. You're in the doghouse with me today. I am? Why? You don't near got me in a beautiful jam with this, the letter I got from my husband. Oh, something wrong with it? Well, people might think it a little odd that it's addressed from Cuba and has a Brazilian stamp on the envelope. You've got to be more careful, Gussie. You'll make an awful liar out of me. Margot, someday somebody is going to find that out. Oh, don't be silly. No, no, it's serious. I'm worried, Margot. I worry a lot about it. Well, you're wasting your time. What could possibly happen? Well, I'm not sure, but I have a funny idea that we could be sent to jail for this. Oh. Writing all those letters for you, signing somebody's name, I've had four juries. Nonsense, Gussie. You signed them Tony Merrick. Well, there isn't any Tony Merrick. So how can it be forgery? Isn't a crime to invent an imaginary husband? Well, if somebody found out it could be mighty bad, Margot, you never should have invented Tony Merrick at all. I had to. You know that. Now look, Gussie, how long has any unmarried woman lasted as editor of this magazine? Six months. Six months. And you know why? Because our dear publisher's wife has a jealous disposition. Remember the cable you sent me in Rio last April telling me I'd been a pointed editor? You said regrets at the end of that cable. You'll remember. You knew nobody'd lasted more than a few months. Yes, but I didn't think you'd come back from Rio with this story. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have a job now. Don't just see, Gussie. I'm safe as long as everyone thinks I'm married. My nonexistent husband is my guardian angel and I like it being guarded. Suppose your father should find out. Your father's so old-fashioned about such things. That, Gussie, is a risk I have to take. Now stop worrying. Everything's fine. I'm on top of the world. Philip, dear, I adore having lunch with you, but don't you think you might talk to me once in a while? I'm sorry, Margot. You're in a mood again, aren't you? Oh, I'm not in a mood. I just feel puzzled about the whole thing. What's so puzzling? I still can't understand how you could have married a man like Tony Merrick. But you've never seen him. Nobody has. It's another thing I can't understand. I know. Sometimes I can't understand it myself. But there I was alone in Rio in April. It was romantic, I suppose. Madly romantic. It was raining. The spring rain turning the pavements blue. Oh, I adore rain. And I detest it. Gives me head colds. Well, let's forget it then. Oh, but you couldn't have been in love with him. Or could you? I guess I must have been. It's raining. It's real. If you were in love, how could it have been over so quickly? It stopped raining. Well, why don't you get a divorce? It wouldn't be fair to Tony. But you don't love him. And he certainly doesn't care for you. Oh, but he does. Listen to this letter. You are the moon and the stars and everything beautiful. You, uh, so and so and so and so and so and so. What's that so and so? Well, you really want to hear it. I adored you then. And now in spring with the sunlight, a spray of golden coins and champagne. I adore you even more. Your own Tony. Oh, he writes beautifully, don't you think? Oh, my God. Mrs. Merrick. Yes, sir. You asked me to meet you here. Oh, good heavens, the boat. Philip, I've got to run. I have to meet Lorna Maxwell ship at four. What peer Jane, 26. Oh, what's the rush? Darling, she's terribly important. She's bringing me back some artwork. Oh, where's my purse? Do you know her stateroom, Jane? Oh, listen. Her letter said stateroom 4C. Well, come on, we'll just make it. Margot, when am I going to see you? Call me. Goodbye. Call you when. Goodbye. Get this stuff out of this stateroom and you're getting out, too. Come on. Now, look, friend, I realize you're the third mate of this ocean-going bath tub, but you're not talking to a stevedor. And if it's all the same to you, I'll stay right here for a few minutes, huh? Listen, bud, for the last time, you're coming up on deck now and sign your card. Are there 20 passengers in line up there now? Yes. Will each one take 10 minutes? Yes. Couldn't I just as well wait here as at the end of the line upstairs? Yes. You could, but you're not. In the first place, you aren't even registered for this cabin. It's supposed to be a Miss Lorna Maxwell in here. Miss Maxwell is a friend of mine. She decided to stay in Havana and she gave me her accommodation. Simple, isn't it? Yeah, but look at this report. What's wrong with it? It's filled out, isn't it? Sure, it's filled out. Passenger Jeff Thompson, occupation, buggy whip salesman, religion druid, distinguishing marks, small, moan, or wishbone. Funny man, eh? No. No, I just thought maybe the immigration men get tired of reading the same stuff all the time. Well, they don't see. And the customs men want to see you too, Mr. Thompson. You said you had nothing to declare. I haven't. Oh, no. What about all these pictures you got set up around here? You got to pay duty on anything you bring back, pal. There's no duty on works of art, pal. Works of art, huh? You don't think so, huh? What about this one, lady in red? It's pretty, huh? I've seen better pictures on calendars. Come on, hurry it up. Now, listen, suppose you'd hobo'd around for years, washed dishes, worked on newspapers, trying to paint, and you were broke. And finally, you got Mr. Big to look at your stuff. I'd let you stay. Who'd want to look at this junk? Oh, no, but he's just the head of Flandering Gallery. Is that so? He'll be here in ten minutes. Oh, not exploit, huh? No, he's a locomotive repairman. I asked down to look into my watch. The hairsprings broke. Always, gay, huh? Now, look, pal, you give me another half hour here, and I'll put in a good word for you with a head stew. I got orders to bring you up now, so let's go. All right, all right, Captain Bly, let's go. Must be her statero, Mrs. Merrick. Look at the pictures. And look at this one, lady in red. Oh, grand. Jane, try to find her for me, will ya? Maybe she's up on deck. I beg your pardon. Forget it. It's nothing. Oh, very good. Very good. Lady in red. Would you mind telling me who you are? Open the window, please. I need more light on the picture. They're very nice in this light. Please, you waste my time. Flandering prefers no conversation when he judges work. Does it impair your critical faculties if I breathe? Silence, please, or go and leave me alone with the work. Listen, if you think for one second that a painter who's a very personal friend of mine is going to come back with exquisite work like this and have a dealer like you gobble it up, you're mistaken. I honor the painter whose work I handle. For 20 percent. I know you dealers. Well, this work isn't for sale. I'll handle it. I've got all the contacts necessary and I won't need 20 percent. Madam, I have no time to trifle with you. You bet you haven't. Now get out of here. Shoot. What? I know you're kind off with your shoe. Get out. Very well. Good day. It's found out. Miss Maxwell didn't take this boat. What? She didn't, but who? She left the boat at Havana. This cabin belongs to Mr. Thompson. Thompson? Oh? Very funny. I'm sure. Would you mind letting me in on it? Oh, are you Mr. Thompson? That's right. Jefferson T. Thompson. How are you? Mr. Thompson, the funniest thing in the world has happened. I just found out these were your paintings. I hope you like them. Well, I just shoot some art dealer out of here and then I found out Miss Maxwell had left the ship and I knew these couldn't be hers. Oh, you deduced that all by yourself. Did you? And did you also deduce the fact that it's taken two years to get Mr. Flandren to look at my work? I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't laugh about it, but really it was amusing. You should have seen his face. Yeah, I saw it. I just met him as he was leaving the boat. Oh, you did? Then you know what happened? Yes. And now let me tell you what happened. Mr. Flandren told me I could take my beautiful paintings and chuck them into the bay. Amusing, isn't it? Oh, well, I'm awfully sorry. Well, goodbye now. Just a minute. You like riding in a bus? Not particularly. Well, you're going to ride on one, see right up to Madison and 40th Street to the Flandren Galleries and you're going to get off there, see and walk up some marble steps into a gallery and begin talking back. And I'm here because Mr. Thompson thinks I was unethical to a competitor. You see, Mr. Flandren, this young lady, I'll tell him. I represent the Allison Galleries in Boston. We want his work and you don't. What makes you think we don't want his work? Oh, you do? But then it's all settled. Certainly. Fine. Thanks, Mr. Flandren. Of course, I do hope you're prepared to meet the price we quoted. What price? You remember, Mr. Thompson, we were going to give you a $2,000 advance. Now, this $2,000, I'll give him $2,200. Well, that's wonderful. Mr. Thompson, we'll advance you $3,000. Now, wait a minute. Chicken feed, $3,500. You're satisfied? Certainly I'm satisfied. My firm has authorized me to go to $4,000. Now, listen. $5,000 at an exhibit all to yourself. And we'll raise that. No, no, no. I'll take it. I'll take it, please. Well, I wanted to take you out to celebrate. Some place a little more francy or something. Thank you, Mr. Thompson, but I'm a working woman. Drugstore mold is all I have time for. Well, anyway, I do want to say thanks for fixing things up. You know, you were pretty swell about it. I was glad to do it. Two chocolate molds. You know, I certainly had you pegged wrong. I took you for a society playgirl, one of those with nothing to do and a lot of time to do it. Not for me. I think every woman should have a career. I don't. Well, just how do you like your women, Mr. Thompson? This may sound old fashioned, but I, um, I like them unsophisticated. They're hard to find, too. And just where do you look? Well, not in New York. I see. You don't think about your New York, do you? No, it's all right. But, um, I like the Middle West better. I like the way they do things better. Now, you take, um, we'll take a mold of milk, for example. They don't know how to make a mold here. Some places make a milky mold, all milk and no malt. And there's other places that make a double thick mold, all bubbles and nobody, you know what I mean? You seem to have made quite a study of malts. Oh, well, I couldn't help it. My family used to own the corner of pharmacy down at Wapakoneta. Where? Wapakoneta. It's in Ohio. Oh, you come from Wapakoneta? Of course. I'm going back there, too. First thing in the morning. How nice. A visit with the old folks. That's right. Here, let me show you a picture. This is my mother on this side here, and, uh, that's my father there. What's the blank space in the middle for? Oh, that's available. But she'll have to be quite a person to measure up to the people on each side of her. And that wouldn't be so easy, would it? No. No. Well, look me up when you find her. She ought to be worth seeing. I'll do that. And you drop in and see us some time after the furniture's all in and the house is tidied up. Oh, thank you. That might be fun. We'll all have a nice teffy pool. Well, I've got to go. Oh, now wait. You can't run away. We've got to celebrate some time, you know. What about tonight? I'm sorry. I'm busy. Well, tomorrow night. Very busy. Well, then let's say Wednesday night. Look, didn't you tell me you were leaving in the morning? That's right. I usually hate to change my plans, but, well, I'll make an exception. Well, all right. So will I. Fine. Tonight then. No. Tomorrow night. You've managed to change his plans. You've managed to change yours pretty often. Oh, well, business, you know. I wired the folks I'd be late a few days. Oh, I see. You know something? What? It's a very funny thing. What is? Three days ago, I didn't even know you. Two days ago, I could cheerfully have rung your neck. And now look at me. I'm even willing to try a rumba in a nightclub. Have I really changed your mind about New York? Well, not about New York, exactly, but... You were so positive only two days ago. Ever seen Ohio? Only from a train window. Oh, it's great this time of year. You'd be crazy about it. Would I? It's full of clover fields and little hills and farms. And you can rent houseboats for $8 a month on the Ohio River. Float along with nothing in the world to do. Always wanted to do that. Why didn't you? That kind of thing's no good alone. You'll find a gal who sees it the same way you do. But you never have. No, that is not until... Margo. What? Tell me something. What, Jeff? You like houseboats? Well, Jeff, I... Hiya, Margo! Oh, hello, Huey. How's the old business executive, huh? What are you here for, your husband, huh? Did you find him yet? Husband, are you married? Is she married? Listen, pal. You're all a very impulsive woman. Marry him quick and leave him fast. Very tone-American real and left him in a week. Just impulsive. Oh, that's very interesting. Thanks for the lowdown, pal. Hey, what's the matter? Did I say something wrong, huh? Did I say something out of the way? No, not at all. Oh, yes, I did. I did it again. I did it again. I'm sorry, Mark. Jeff, listen... Why didn't you tell me? Well, I was going to, but I... I was just waiting for the right moment. Yes, I can see it would be more fun to tell a man after he proposes. Well, I hope you enjoyed yourself. Let's go. No, wait. Well, it was just one of those things. It was over in a month. I'm getting a divorce. I never was in love with him. What? Well, what did you marry him for? Well, I was alone in Rio. We met in a doorway in the rain and... Well, anyway, the next day we drove to a little village, lost promise and got married. Well, the minute I realized the mistake I'd made, I left him. It was over in a week and... Well, here we are. Yes, here we are. But you're not in love with him? Of course not. Fine. Then all we have to do is to get you a divorce. That's simple. Well, it would be with anybody, but Tony, he keeps evading my lawyers. Oh, I could find him in ten days. Oh, no. He's in South America. I can still do it. A friend of mine is a foreign correspondent. A human bloodhound. He can find anybody. Have you got a photograph of this married fella? Well, no. I didn't want to have anything to remind me of him. Well, give me a description of him then. I'll cable Joe tonight. I doubt if your friend could find him. Oh, you don't know Joe? Yes, but you don't know Tony. What's he look like? Go ahead. Well, he's... Well, how old is he? Well, I'm not sure. I never asked. Well, take a guess. 30, 35, 40, 45. 35. What color hair? Dark, dark hair. Brown, black or gray? Gray. I thought you said he was 35. Well, maybe he's older. I don't know. Well, how did he talk? Did he have any distinguishing accent? I don't think so. You don't think so? Well, don't you know? Didn't he speak to you or wasn't he the quiet type? You needn't be sarcastic. I'm only trying to find out. Where did you say you saw him last? In Rio. But then how could you have left him in Las Palmas? Oh, was that... Well, we were... Now, let's see. You said you were married in April. Yes, April. You said May a minute ago. Oh, oh, so I did. Well, you see what happened... Although, as a matter of fact, you didn't name anyone. Well, naturally. Anyone would get mixed up when a person is deliberately stupid and suspicious. If you met him in Rio and if you drove to Las Palmas the night... the same night and got married, you must have driven very fast. Trying to give me the third degree, eh? Because Las Palmas is 913 miles from Rio. Now then, if... What right have you got... Now, listen, one more question. Oh, you know, you're one of the silliest men I've ever met. Really. You look awfully funny sitting there playing information, please. Do I? In other words, this has all been very amusing. Is that it? Terribly. And now, if you don't mind, I'll go home. I'll take you. Thank you, but you needn't bother. Better hurry back to Ohio and start floating down the river on that houseboat. Good night, Mr. Thompson. In just a moment, Mr. DeMille and our stars, Douglas Fairbanks Jr. and Martha Scott, will bring us Act 2 of Third Finger Left Hand. And now, here's a little argument that I overheard the other day. Two very young ladies were just leaving a motion picture theater, and as they walked out... Now listen, Doris, you said how beautiful Loretta Young was in that picture, and I just happen to say we have a lot in common because my mother buys me the same soap Loretta Young uses. We've always used it at our house, so there. So there's nothing. That's just silly. Why, a big movie star like Loretta Young could afford to buy the finest, most expensive soap in the world. And you... It says finest soap as money can buy. My mother said... But you just said Loretta Young, that it says fine, so how? It is as fine as soap as money can buy, and Loretta Young uses it, and practically every famous movie star uses it. And we always use Lux Toilet soap, too. So does just about everybody I know, and it only costs a few cents. Lux Toilet soap, is that it? Well, for goodness sakes, Marie, why didn't you say so? Lux Toilet soap. Why, then, I can eat it. Yes, Lux Toilet soap. That's the beauty soap Loretta Young uses, just as nine out of ten other famous Hollywood stars do. And that means something pretty important to you. For don't you think that the soap that cares for Hollywood's million-dollar complexions would be right for your skin, too? You'll find you can depend on gentle Lux Toilet soap to help you keep your skin exquisitely soft and smooth. The kind of skin that wins romance and keeps it. You see, this famous complexion soap has creamy, rich, active lather that carries away stale cosmetics and every trace of dust and dirt. Gives precious complexions protection they need. Let Lux Toilet soap give your skin gentle, thorough care every day. Let it bring new loveliness to you. We pause now for station identification. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System. Act two of Third Finger Left Hand, starring Douglas Fairbanks Jr. as Jeff Thompson and Martha Scott as Margo Merrick. The very suspicious Mr. Thompson, suspecting that Margo's husband is non-existent, has sent a cable to a friend in South America. The reply comes quickly. Checked consulate. No passport issued, name of Tony Merrick. No marriage record, Tony Merrick, Margo Merrick. In short, no Tony Merrick. Armed with the evidence of Margo's fraud, Jeff Thompson presents himself at her home, a dignified colonial mansion with a dignified butler. Whom do you wish to see, sir? Is this the Sherwood residence? Yes, sir. Mr. Sherwood has a daughter, hasn't he? You mean Mrs. Merrick, sir? That's right. That's who I want to see, Mrs. Merrick. I'm sorry. She isn't at home, sir. May I ask who is calling? Mr. Merrick, Mr. Tony Merrick. Merrick, sir? Her husband? In the flesh. Well, won't you come in, sir? Thanks. Just sit right there, sir. I'll tell Mr. Sherwood you're here. And see if you can locate my wife, will you? Yes, sir. Very good, sir. Mr. Sherwood, sir. Mr. Sherwood. If dinner's ready, Burton, it'll have to wait for a moment. It's not dinner, sir. It's a gentleman that... Look, look here, Burton. I've got a new specimen for my butterfly collection. Pretty, isn't it? And Mr. Sherwood, sir. To you, it's probably just another butterfly, Burton, but it came all the way from Africa, like Cana Staciosa. Excuse me, sir, but Mr. Merrick's here. Like Cana Staciosa, one of the rarest specimens. Who? Mr. Tony Merrick, sir. Merrick? Margot's husband? Yes, sir. Where is he? Where is he? I want to see that young man. He's in the hall, sir. I didn't want to show the specimen. Oh, there you are. Good evening, Mr. Sherwood. How are you? How are you? I've heard a lot about you, Mr. Merrick. Yes, I suppose you have. Mr. Merrick, my daughter's happiness is very important to me. I think that gives me a right to ask you if you've come here to cause her more upset or to arrange a divorce. Divorce? Oh, I guess Margot didn't tell you, did she? Tell me what? Well, we talked things over long distance and decided that we'd been all kind of hasty in breaking things up, and we're going to start over. You and Margot? Yes, everything's patched up. My boy, that's the best news I've ever had. Ah, thanks, Dad. Dad? It's wonderful, my boy. I'm tickled to death, tickled to death. Burton, bring in a couple of high balls. Yes, sir. Got to have a drink on it, eh, son? Yes, I think we should, Dad. Uh, sit down, sit down. Oh, does Margot know you're here? No, no, she didn't expect me till next week. Oh, we would say a word to her. Just let her walk in and find you, eh? Will she be surprised? Yes, I think we can depend on that. Well, well, well, well. So you're the Tony we've heard so much about. By the way, do you know that you and I have the same hobby? Uh, no. Yes, I collect them, too. Um, not really. Of course. Bag them myself when I get the chance, but you're quite a hand at it, aren't you? Oh, well, um, you know how people talk. Now, now, now none of that. Margot's told me some of the things you've done, but of course I'm a little too old now for those jungle forays. Oh, the jungle, yes. Yes, indeed. Jungle's the place. That reminds me. I just got a magnificent, like, Kinestaceousa from Africa. I want to compare it with the one you bagged. Oh, the, like, Kinestaceousa. Where's that so? Well, well, yes. That's quite a story, quite a story. Uh, how big was yours? Oh, a big fellow. Would you tell me about yours? Well, there's really very little to tell. In fact, um, there's nothing at all to tell. Oh, come. Come, come now, my boy, don't be modest. Followed him in the jungle, did you? Well, yes, I, uh, I stalked him for hours. I was, um, I was just about to give up when I saw him. Go on, go on. Well, you see, he'd, um, he'd been feeding on an animal he'd killed. Um, an antelope. Huh? Yes, he, he looked up at me, and I, I saw that he meant to charge, so I yelled to my native boys, lifted my gun, and got him just in time. Oh! Oh, that's good. That's very good. Plugged him. In a big fellow, eh? So, you had me going there for a minute. You've certainly got a sense of humor. Oh, I'm going to tell that story. I can just see you chasing a butterfly with a gun. Butterfly? A butterfly? It is kind of funny at that, isn't it? Mr. Sherwood, Miss Margo's here. Margo? Where is she? Yes, Dad? Uh, come in here, Margo. I've got a little surprise for you. Just a minute. Toonie, Toonie, my boy. Look, maybe, maybe I'd better see her alone first. Please, now don't deprive me of this moment, son. I want to see the look on her face. Well, so do I, but... Stand over there, and don't let her see you. Well, Dad? Margo, my dear, hold on now. Don't fall down. Toonie's here. Tony! What are you talking about? Hello, darling. Oh, you! It's Tony, your own Tony, darling. Will you please tell me where...? Oh, Margo, it's so wonderful to see you again. Kiss me. Oh, Dad, listen... I know, my dear. I know you want to be alone. Oh, no, that isn't it. Don't try to talk now. I'll be back in just a few minutes. But, Dad... See you later, son. So long, Dad. Oh, you idiot. What's this all about? It's very simple. You made up a husband, and I've given him to you. What makes you think I'll take him? Darling, you've got him. Jeff, this is ridiculous. I'm going right in to tell my father that you're an imposter. Okay, you tell him, and I'll show him. See these cables? These are my proof that you were never married at all and that there isn't any Tony Mary. Notice the date lines? Las Palmas? Rio de Janeiro? Oh, you, uh, cabled. Uh-huh. Well, shall we go in and tell Dad? Listen, Jeff, you can't do this to me. Why not? I don't know how many other suckers have fallen for your little act, but you picked the wrong victim this time. Listen, you've got to get out of here. Have you the faintest notion of the position I'm in? After surveying carefully, you're directly in the shadow of the eight-ball. Jeff, will you please do what I ask? No, darling. Listen, there's another reason. There's someone I'm in love with, deeply in love with, really. You can't be. It's bigger than me. I mean it, Jeff. I've known him all my life. Phillips, a fine, sensitive man. You know what it would make him think. What? Well, he... Well, oh, Jeff, please get out. It's only me. Can I come in? Of course, Dad. I know I shouldn't intrude, but I want to tell you I just sent the newspaper men away. Newspaper men? What do they want? Oh, nothing. Just wanted to confirm the story in their first edition. Oh. Look at this, Tony. This must be your work. Smart-set career, girl, and husband real night. Very nice, very nice. It's horrible. Dad, did you tell him it was true? Of course I did. You wouldn't want me to lie, would you? It's Margot. Mr. Booth's here. Oh, Philip. No, Margot, I've just seen the papers. Philip, listen. You can't say a thing like this. We'll sue them for a million dollars. We'll take this case to the... Who's there? Hello. Philip, uh, this is, uh... this is Tony Merrick. And this last one here. Beautiful specimen, eh, Tony? Oh, yes. A fine state of preservation. Now the average collector might think this butterfly was just a common papilloturnus. But of course, we know better. Why, certainly. Personally, I don't see how it could be mistaken. Was that thunder? Yes. It could restore, I guess. Well, that's the last of the collection. Now up to bed, Margot. I'm sure it's been a tiring day for both of you. Oh, no, I don't feel a bit tired. Do you, Tony? Well, yes, I do, as a matter of fact. Well, good night, Dad. Good night, my boy. I'm going up myself. But, Father, wouldn't you and Tony like to sit up a while and, uh, talk? It's not late. Talk? Why, we've been talking all evening. Come along now, dear. Mr. Merrick, sir. Yes, Burton? What's your things in the bedroom, sir? Oh, thanks, Burton. Oh, wait. Listen, uh, what about a bite to eat? Tony, you must be hungry. Oh, I never eat before I go to bed. Never. Uh, a drink, then. I know you, Tony. Oh, sorry. Very bad for me now. The doctor's orders, my dear. Well, good night, children. Going to carry your bride across the threshold, Tony. I certainly am. Up you go, dear. Stop it. Put me down. I'm not a bit tired. Good night, Dad. I'll see you in the morning. Night, Margot. Good night, Dad. Put me down. Put me down. There you are, my sweet. Now, listen, this has got to stop. Hmm. There's nice room. Not bad at all. I think we ought to change the wallpaper. I don't like this. Keep quiet. You think I'm going to stand for this? What do you think you're doing? This is a very interesting little process known as man taking off shoes and socks and putting on slippers. And then what? And then I shall retire. Where? Well, let me see. Let me see. Behind that screen would be comfortable, I believe. You have two large chairs? No. No, no, don't make things difficult. If I can't get two chairs, I'll just have to... I'll get them. I'll get them. Thank you. Suppose all this comes under the heading of teaching me a lesson. It's wonderful how quickly you catch on. Where are the chairs, please? Oh, you'll have to use the porch furniture. There's a couch out there. You can bring it in. Fine. Say, it's raining. That stuff will be soaking wet. Well, you might go out and see. Very well, my sweet. Good night, my sweet. Hey. Hey, let me in. Let me in. What's the idea? Have a good rest, darling. I can't sleep out here. It's pouring. Breakfast at seven, darling, but don't get up if you don't feel like it. Good night. Good morning. Morning, Margot. Morning, Dad. Morning, Tony. Good morning, Dad. Pardon me. Oh, caught a little cold, eh? Just a little one. Had breakfast yet, Father? Oh, hours ago. I just wanted to pop in and see how you were and just say, uh, cheerio. Cheerio. Well, I'll see you two lovebirds later on. Take care of that cold, Tony. Thanks. This has got to stop. We've got to get out of this some way. We? Jeff, please, you've had your revenge. This can't go on forever, you know. What would you suggest, my dear? Well, we'll announce a divorce. Oh, no, we can't. The newspapers would check up and find out it wasn't so. Sometimes you make a noise like you're really thinking. So smart, aren't you? All right, we won't fake. We'll get a divorce then. Oh, no, you can't. The law won't let you. Not unless it's been revoked since I looked it up yesterday. Oh, no, what do you know about law? Enough to know that you cannot make a mockery of marriage. All we have to do is just file a suit to... Look, darling, you might as well know right now. You can't run around getting divorces the way you buy hats. Oh, can't I? No, you can't. Not unless you're married. That's the law, so you might as well forget it. All right, if that's it, all right. All right, what? If that's the only way to do it, I'll do it. Let's see, we'll have to go to some very out-of-the-way place. Oh, I see. And get a nice little marriage so you can get a nice little divorce. That's simple. Yes, it'll be a relief to have it cleared up. Yes, it will. Got it all planned out, haven't you? All you have to do is snap your fingers and people hop to your orders. Well, maybe you can push some people around, but not me. When I want to get married, I'll get married, but it won't be to you. What are you talking about? You've got to marry me. There's no law on that either. But what's going to happen? I'm not sure yet. But you know, darling, there was once a gentleman named Frankenstein. He created a monster who came to life and made a lot of trouble for him. Well, you wanted to play Frankenstein, so I thought you might as well have a monster. Nothing like a nice little monster in the house, is there? After a brief intermission, Mr. DeMille brings back Douglas Fairbanks Jr. and Martha Scott for act three of Third Finger Left Hand. You know, Sally here fancies herself as quite a poet, so tonight I'm going to give her a real chance to prove what she can do. Oh, Sally, do you remember that rhyming game? Why, I think so, Mr. Roy. You mean the way... I say a line. And I make a rhyme. Right. Let's go. Why, out here in Hollywood... Screen stars know luck soap is good. Luck soap lather facials. Work. Oh, remove cosmetics, dust, and dirt. Well, Sally, I don't think much of that one. Oh, well, I'll try again. I'll tell our listeners all in rhyme how to take a luck soap active lather facial. Here we go. Pat the active lather in. Then you rinse it off your skin. Next, you gently pat to dry. Active lather facials try. Well, Sally tried, and she almost got the whole story into her poem at that. But not quite. For she didn't tell you how wonderfully soft and smooth skin feels after these luck soap active lather facials. Famous Hollywood stars say... These facials leave skin feeling smoother, looking so fresh. Won't you try this Hollywood beauty care regularly for 30 days? See what it can do for you. Let it help you keep your skin lovely to look at, soft to touch. Now, our producer, Mr. DeMille. The curtain rises on the third act of Third Finger Left Hand. Before a divorce can be granted, the interested parties must be married. In the Court of Domestic Relations, this is a fundamental principle. And Margo has taken up problem to Philip Booth, who in turn has presented it to Jeff Thompson, alias Tony Merrick. I know the whole story, Mr. Thompson, the whole unhappy affair, and I must say it's a very unpleasant situation. Very. Have another drink. Thank you. I've had enough. So have I. Now look here, Thompson. Doesn't chivalry mean anything to you? How much chivalry do you mean? This isn't the time for flippancy. I've gone all over it legally. You've simply got to marry her. So the she can divorce me and marry you. That makes me the middleman. I'm afraid I can't see myself as a middleman. If you don't mind my saying so, I'm amazed that you're arguing about it. Now, man to man, Thompson, will you do the decent thing? Man to man, no. Tell me the reason why. Why? Because I'm dope enough to be in love with her myself. Oh. Well, down the hatch, old man. Down the hatch. Just once more, Thompson. Let's go over the whole thing. You love her. I love her. It's a problem, isn't it? The thing is, I'm jealous, Phil. Well, I have a jealous nature, too. Well, who are you jealous of? You. Oh. And I'm jealous of you. Well, down the hatch, Phil. Down the hatch. Now, I got just one more question. I know. Will I or will I not marry the woman you love? The answer is no. Look, Jess. Just call me Buddy. Look, Buddy. I got an idea. Now, here's a man named Tony Merrick. The pictures are in the papers, you see? Yeah. And here's a man named Jeff Thompson. A few weeks he's going to have an art exhibit. Yeah. Also, pictures in the paper. Yeah. Same face. You're following me? Uh-huh. Then you're going to be in the same spot she is. Scandal, people laugh at you. You've got to clear this up or go into hiding yourself. Yeah. You know something? You're right. Of course I'm right. Now, you've got to get off the spot and make peace with it. Mm. But where could we go? We've got to be married in a place where nobody put it in the papers. Ah, no, no, no. I thought of that. I got just the place. Where's that? Niagara Falls. Oh. You go to Niagara Falls and Margo and you get married. Next day Margo leaves for Reno. Mm. Okay? Okay. You want to be best man? You think it's the thing? No. No. No. No, no. I now pronounce you man and wife. My young friends. You're beginning a new life together. Marriage isn't easy. It's a stony road sometimes. And you have to help each other and cherish each other. Realizing that no matter what dissension you have, none of them is worth as much as staying together. The old adage is true, my young friends. It is a lonely life alone. Two by two we marry and one by one we die. May you both live not for yourselves, but each only to make the other happy. Congratulations to you both. Thank you, sir. Thank you, Reverend. Good luck to you. Good night. Good night, Reverend. Well, that's over. Yes, I guess he gives that talk to everybody. No, sure. Just a routine. Well, can I buy you a wedding bouquet? No, thanks. We still have four hours till plane time. We might as well stroll around and see the falls, I guess. Pretty, isn't it? Uh-huh. I was just thinking, I suppose you will get married someday. I mean, well, most painters do because they're so impractical and they need somebody to look after them. No, I'm pretty practical, you know. Well, at least I've done you some good, showing you what you don't want. Yes, that's right, you have. I guess I've done the same thing for you, too. Well, I never thought my wedding day'd be like this. Well, it won't be, you know, not the real one. That's right, it won't be, will it? No, you us either. I should hope not. Oh, you should. What's the matter? Well, nothing, nothing at all, except that as long as we have to spend this time together, you might try to be a little pleasant. I am pleasant. You certainly aren't. You've been snapping at me all evening. You know, when you do get married, you won't need any practice in henpecking. You know that. I was not henpecking. Now listen, my aunt Edith killed my uncle John by henpecking, and I know a henpecker when I see him. Jeff, Jeff Thompson. Well, for the love of my wife. How are you, my boy? Well, Judge Kellan. I knew it was you, Jeff. Hello, hello, Mrs. Kellan. Well, this is a surprise. I was down to a whopper caneta just last month talking to your dad and mother about you, Jeff. Is that so? Yes, indeed. We're up here for the convention. What are you doing here? Well, I'll tell you, Judge Kellan, I... I was just wondering when Jefferson was going to introduce me. What do you think we're doing in Niagara Falls? Margo. Don't, don't, don't tell me. Jeff, have you really gone and... Yeah, married, say. A few folks unoccupied. You can lift a snifter with us, you know, a wedding party. Listen, you don't... I'm obviously sorry you didn't come sooner. We had champagne, but it's all gone. Jeff, have you forgotten your manners? How about knocking me down to the hometown, folks? Well, uh, this is Kellan. Judge Kellan is Margo. Pleased to meet you. You know, I know some Kellans run a butcher shop in Brooklyn. Of course, we ain't planning to live in Brooklyn. We're going to live in whopper caneta, ain't we, Stinky? Oh, yes. Well done. Well, uh, congratulations to you both. There certainly is a surprise to us all right. Yes, uh, thank you. Well, why don't we stand around here, Gavin, for? Come on, Jeff, just go hoist a couple. Oh! Oh! Sorry, sorry. Are you all right, my dear? Here, here, come over here and sit down. Hey, let go, let go. What's a big idea? I beg your pardon? Beg my pardon, nothing. You know what I mean. I'm perfectly well able to stand up alone, see? Is there anything I don't like? It's a twerp who grabs a lady's arm when she's sober. Well, I assure you, Mrs. Thompson, there was no intention of any innuendo. Innuendo? Oh, I like that. I accept the apology. Thank you. Well, we'll have to be getting along. It's so nice to have seen you, Jeff. We'll be seeing your family Monday and we'll tell them we met your bride. Goodbye, Jeff. Goodbye. That was a nice thing to do. I think they got the wrong impression, all right. I've got to go back home among those people. You know what they'll think. I'll bet I can guess. Well, that's my hometown. I want to go back there and paint. Don't you realize the position I'm in? Oh, after surveying carefully, I'd say you were directly in the shadow of the eight ball. Here's a September cover, Margaret. I thought you might want to look in. Thanks, Gussie. And here are those Bryant contracts. They ought to be signed. I'll leave them on the desk. I'll get around to them later. Margot, is there something wrong? Oh, no, not a thing, Gussie. You should feel very happy now. Everything's settled. You're going to Reno tomorrow with Mr. Booth, a fine fellow with Mr. Booth. Oh, mm-hmm. And this fellow you are going to divorce, Thompson, he must be a terrible man, what? A mean, selfish troublemaker. He is not. Oh, isn't? No, we... Well, he has his good points. He's a very good artist. Gussie, do you think a marriage is hopeless if it gets a wrong start? Oh, well, that depends on the people. Oh, I guess so. Hello? Oh, hello, Phillip. What? Oh, yes. Oh, I say, well, no. Of course it's all right. I won't mind a bit. Yes, Phillip, I'll see you at the train. Goodbye. Oh, Gussie, what do you know about that? Jeff Thompson's going to be on the same train with us. Oh, is that so? Phillip had something they had to talk over about the divorce, and that's the only time Jeff can make it. So he'll be going as far as Ohio with you, huh? Uh-huh. To Abercaneta. And you'll get the chance to speak with him again. I'm fine, fine. Gussie, what do you mean? He's nothing to me, nothing at all. Why, he's just... I know. He's a very good artist. So, all this Thompson, but after all, you and Margot were legally married, you know? Yes, of course, of course. And since Margot happens to be a person of some, uh, means, why we have to have a property settlement. Now, this is... Phillip, we understand everything. Let's hurry up, please. Oh, yes. Now we come to Clause 8. Now, let's see. Whereas the party's having mutual recognition as their rights and investiges, whereas the chattel's in the property of both real and personal, whereas now they're having a right title of payments to those of the other, and whereas the party of the first part making known... Oh, you're the party of the first part, Thompson. Yes, I know. Party of the first part. And you're the party of the second part, darling. And you're the party of the third part. There is no part of the third part. Oh. And whereas the said party makes known his agreement. Now then, I'm not quite sure about Clause 9. Well, just make it, uh, Clause 9, whereas... Whereas what? Just whereas. Can I have one clause the way I want it? Uh, I think we can let Clause 9 go. So if you just sign here, we won't trouble you a trip any further. Oh, that, that, that's all. That's all. Just sign up here. Well, goodbye, Margo. Goodbye, Jeff. Here you are, Thompson. Here's the pen. Oh, thanks. Well, what's the matter? Sign it. Uh, I don't understand Clause 4. I just read it to you. It's all Greek to me. I should have legal advice. I don't know where you expect to find a lawyer at this time of night. Are you denying me the right of counsel? I agree with Jeff, Phillip. After all, if he's not satisfied, there might be one on the train. There's always one on a train. I'll have a look. Excuse me, Margo. Be right back, Phil. Oh, Margo, you didn't have to suggest that. I was only trying to be fair. Sometimes I think you want to see that, fellow. That's ridiculous, Phillip. Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, darling. What are you thinking of? Just now? Nothing much. I was just thinking about houseboats. Houseboats? Yes, you know, houseboats. Just float along on a river. Sort of a nice idea, isn't it? Sounds very messy to me. I wouldn't like it. No. I can't see you in a houseboat, Phillip. Sam, is there a lawyer on the train? Let me see. No, sir. There isn't. You're positive? Yes, sir. But excuse me, sir. Are you in need of legal advice? Well, sort of, yes. Well, sir, I've studied law at night school the past four years to improve myself and take the bar examination. I could be of service to you. You know about property law? Oh, yes, sir. Well, come in to compartment A. You've acquired a client. Yes, sir. In this event, all such properties would be hypothecated. Now, does that suit your tops? I'm not sure. Speak to my lawyer. All such properties would be hypothecated. Excuse me, sir. But in Indiana Supreme Court Johnson v. Johnson 1923, if I may cite a case in support of my contention, the ruling was vice's hypothecation. Completely vice's. Oh, all right. Well, Thompson, will you concede clause three in this brief? What do you say, Sam? No, sir. No, sir. Well, clauses six and seven, will you stipulate us to those? Do we stipulate, Sam? No, sir. We don't stipulate. Now listen, Thompson. We've been over this thing for three hours. You heard what counsel said. Counsel must be conversing with the ruling in a brief in the Ames case, Wisconsin 1923. Can I get you another sandwich, sir? No, I don't want another sandwich. I do, Sam. If I may suggest, Mr. Thompson, with counsel's permission, it might be wiser if the party of the first part and the part of the second part arbitrated this matter personally. Now that's a good idea. Margo and I can talk the whole thing over. She's not going to talk to you without me there to protect her interests. OK, proceed, counsel. Yes, sir. With the sandwich or the brief, sir? The brief. I'll get my sandwich in the club car. Just a minute. Now you'd better stay right here. Oh, my counsel will take care of everything. After all, you know, there isn't much time. Wake me up early, will you, counsel? Yes, sir. Good night, sir. Good night. Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry, Margo. I was just going to the club car. Oh, yeah. I was just there. Oh, were you? Yes, I just came from there. Oh. Well, pretty late. Yes. Yes. It's pretty late. Yes, yes. I, um, I guess I won't see you in the morning. No, no, I guess not. We'd better say goodbye now, then, huh? Yes, we'd better. Because the, um, the train gets into Wapak, and at 8.30, you know. Oh, I thought it was 8.22. Oh, no, no, no, 8.30. You'll still be asleep, I guess, huh? Yes, I guess I will. Well, good night, then. Good luck, Margo. Good night. Uh, Margo. Yes, Jeff? Margo, I, uh, good night. Good night. Sam, come here. Yes, ma'am. Sam, listen. Can you send a telegram for me at the next station? Yes, ma'am. We'll make a stop in 10 minutes. Thank you. I'll give it to you right now. Wapak, come here, sir. Bless you all. Thanks, Sam. And thanks for the legal advice. I, I guess this will take care of it. 10 dollars, sir. I didn't do nothing. Neither did I, Sam, but at least we tried. Well, here we are, sir. What though? What's all that? Looks like a reception, sir. Mighty fine crowd. Hello, Jeff. Come on down here. Hello, Joe. What's all the excitement here? Watch for you and your horse theme. For me? Come on, come on. Your mother and father are here. Let him through, folks. Let him through. Jeff. Jeff, my boy. Hello, mother. How are you, son? Congratulations. Hello, dad. Congratulations for what? Jeff, we want to meet her. Meet who? It was pretty late when we got your wire last night, but we did our best to get a turnout here for you and the bride. Bride, but look, I didn't send any wire about I... Of course you didn't, darling. I did. Margot. I know how forgetful you are, darling, and I knew you'd want all Whopper canetta to meet us together. Margot. Well, Jeff, when do we meet her? Jeff. I'm sorry. This is, this is... Margot, is this on the level? Of course, darling. Mother, dad, my wife. The scorekeeper will chalk up two more fine performances as soon as he gets a chance. But right now we're going to insist that Douglas Fairbanks Jr. and Martha Scott take a bow. Thank you, sir. Thank you, Mr. DeMille. I should explain to our audience that we were very lucky to catch these very busy young people before they left for parts unknown. Didn't I hear you say, Martha, that you're catching a plane tonight? Yes, I'm off for Washington right after the program, Mr. DeMille. Aren't you leaving tonight, too, Doug? No, not tonight, in the next week or so. But what's going on in Washington? Well, quite a lot, I guess, but I'm going for the premiere of Warner Brothers One Foot in Heaven on Thursday, and tell the truth, I'm rather thrilled about it. I don't blame you, Martha. I hear some bright reports on your performance in that picture. One Foot in Heaven. You're lucky, Martha. I can't even get a toehold on Heaven with titles like the Corsican Brothers. I think it sounds very exciting, Doug. And now, Mr. DeMille, I'd like to tell you how much I've enjoyed coming back to the Lux Radio Theatre this week. And to be perfectly fair, perhaps I should add that I enjoy using Lux soap all the time. It's really a wonderful way for any woman to care for her complexion. But I'll bet I can't tell this audience anything about Lux soap. The 90 and 9 may be using Lux soap, Martha, but we're still after the 100. What are you planning for next week, CB? Unfinished business, Doug. Oh, just tying up a few loose ends, huh? No, no, it's something new. Unfinished business is a brand-new universal picture. And our stars will be Irene Dunn and Donna Michi. It's the romantic drama of a small-town girl who marries a big-town boy and of the unfinished business in her life, which he doesn't know about. Gregory Lecava produced and directed the picture, and I recommend it as a very pleasant way to spend part of next Monday night. Well, I certainly won't miss it, Mr. DeMille. Good night. Good night. Good night. Come back soon. Our sponsors, the makers of Lux toilet soap, join me in inviting you to be with us again next Monday night. When the Lux Radio Theatre presents Irene Dunn and Donna Michi in Unfinished Business. This is Cecil B. DeMille saying good night to you from Hollywood. Ladies and gentlemen, an important announcement. The first lady of the American theater, Miss Helen Hayes, will return to the air next Sunday evening in the first of a new series of weekly dramatic programs. You'll hear Miss Hayes in a different play every week, favorite plays that she herself chooses. Her first play would be Jane Eyre. Remember the starting date? That's next Sunday, October 5th, over this same network. Check your newspaper for the time. Douglas Fairbanks Jr. will soon be seen in The Corsican Brothers, produced by Edward Small. Heard in tonight's play were Howard McNeer as Philip. Ferdinand Munier as Mr. Sherwood. Hans Conreed as August. Ernest Whitman as Sam. And Arthur Q. Bryan. Dick Elliott. Charles Seal. Elaine Costello. Fred Mackay. Lee Millar. Thomas Mills. Dwayne Thompson. And Leila Himes McIntyre. Our music was directed by Louis Silvers. And your announcer has been Melville Ruin. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.