 With Danny Kaye still overseas entertaining the GIs in the Pacific, Jack Benny, Eddie Cantor, Ed Gardner in Duffy's Tavern, and tonight George Burns and Gracie Allen Yes, it's George and Gracie with Bill Goodwin and the music of Meredith Wilson and his orchestra George won't give you the money. Not a penny. I've used up my budget I even used up my mad money. Gosh, I didn't know married women had mad money Well, I call it mad money. My husband went mad and gave me five dollars And that's gone too, huh? Yes. Well, I sent it to my poor Uncle Tim so he could get himself some glasses Oh, that was nice. Yes. Uncle Tim got tired of drinking out of bottles I sure would like to lend you the money for the hat, Gracie, but I'm broke too Oh, Meredith, shame. You should have some money saved up It was two months ago that George auditioned you and you've been on our program ever since I know. I wonder how much longer I have to audition before he starts paying me Well, George is a little slow making up his mind I remember when he auditioned me about ten years ago I was awfully worried at first You were? Yes, but no more. I'm sure he's going to hire me I hope he hires me too Well, I guess we both got a problem, Meredith Yeah But I've just got to get that new fall hat Can't you think of some way I can get the money out of George? Well, Gracie, you're Irish. Why don't you try a little Blarney? You mean flattered a little rascal? Well, sure Well, maybe you're right. Flattery won't work on any red-blooded man Yeah, it might even work on George Here he comes Good morning, Meredith Good morning, George Good morning, Gracie George, don't move Huh? Stand there and let me look at you Oh, you're so incredibly handsome Walter, let the others make statues of Apollo and Mercury and Hercules You're the man I want to chisel Oh, Gracie How did they ever pack so much man into one body? Eyes that you're mine, it seems me Oh, honey How did great big gorgeous attractive you ever come to marry A little bitty gorgeous attractive me Look, Gracie Oh, come on, hot lips, tell me you love me I love you No, no, put some feeling into it I love you Do you really, darling? Yes Oh, that's good Uh, George No, you can't have a new hat Flattery will get you no place I was telling the truth, wasn't I, Meredith? Absolutely, George Why, you're sensational You're a trumpet solo by Harry James You're a take-off course by Artie Shaw You're a Gershwin melody performed by the Benny Goodman quintet Boy, you're solid Gee, quintet, gee Well, that washes me up in music I thought so So it was flattery and Meredith was in on it But, George Look, honey, you don't have to flatter me to get things I don't Of course not When you want something, just come right out and ask me That's the way to get it All right, George, can I have a new hat? No I like the other way better Well, I was getting someplace Hi, folks Mind if I sit down for a minute, I'm a little shaky What's the matter, Bill? Well, I was driving over here and I had a terrible accident Oh, my goodness Was it bad, Bill? Well, it was awful, George I was driving along, see? And there was a beautiful girl standing on the street corner So I swung over to the curb and said Hi, George, just hop in Well, what happened then? She didn't hop in, must have been an accident Well, I thought you were hurt Yeah, I'm disappointed, too Say, I didn't know you had a car, Bill Well, it isn't mine, George It belongs to Danny Kaye And he asked me to keep it while he's on his USO tour Oh, gee, that Danny Kaye has such a wonderful personality And so charming and so talented Daddy does all right with the girls, too Oh, you're not kidding, Gracie They mobbed the guy When I took him to the station, thousands of women crowded around him and grabbed him They shook him and said, ooh, Danny Danny, introduce us to Bill Goodwin Oh, brother But kids about this... Oh, brother Oh, brother But kids about this car at Danny's, I've got a little problem No garage to keep it in Could I keep it in yours? Well, could we... could we use it now and then ourselves? Well, sure, why not Oh, that would be wonderful Our car's in the shop being repaired Really? What's wrong with it? Well, the other day I had a letter to mail So I drove into the post office Yeah? We're in the post office That's all you just drove into the post office Well, that's the deadest thing I ever heard Gracie, I hope you'll be more careful with Danny's car Don't worry I'll do all the driving myself and I've never even dent an offender Well, that's fine, George When Danny left, I promised him I'd take care of two things His movie contract with Goldwin and his car I'm on my way over to talk to Goldwin now So let's at least leave him a car to come home to Oh, my, it'll be fun to have a nice car like Danny K's to ride in, won't it, dear? Yes Let's take a ride tonight Just you and me and the moonlight on a dark country road I'll snuggle up real close and put my new hat on your shoulder There won't be any new hat But I only wanted for your sake so that people will notice me I want them to say, there goes the wife of that clever, handsome, smart George Burns That witty George Burns Elegant George Burns No hat No hat, no Because you always get such ridiculous, outlandish hat I do not You do too What would you say if I came home with a derby that had a flagpole sticking through the crown and two toy jeeps racing around the brim? Oh, George, that sounds darling, where did you see it? At Newman Oh, I see something What did you do? Well, I deliberately flabbered you to try and get a new hat I feel cheap and ashamed of myself Oh, don't feel bad It was a low mean vulgar thing to do Oh, honey I hate myself for such sneaking, underhanded, vile trickery I didn't mind I'll tell you something, it almost worked One more compliment than I'd have given in You're incredibly handsome, George That's no way to get things You're right, George Flattery never works Now, let's say, for example, I wanted to ask you to let me use Danny Kay's car this morning Don't waste your breath No, I'm not asking for it, but if I were asking for it I'd forget flattery and just appeal to your intelligence Right Because you're too clever for flattery Certainly The way to appeal to a busy brainy man like you is to just ask for the car honestly And you'll say, well, sure, Gracie, take it Absolutely Oh, thank you, George Now, wait a minute You promised Look, honey, I wouldn't mind if you're a good driver, but you're not Harry Morton next door says you ruined his elm tree backing out of the driveway Oh, that's a man for you, exaggerating I ran over one teensy, tiny little branch clear at the top of the tree How could you run over a branch at the top of the tree? The tree was lying across our driveway Well, didn't you see it? How could I? It wasn't lying there until I hit it Oh, fine, and you want to borrow Danny Kay's car? But I only want to do a little shopping I won't drive more than ten blocks Shopping for what? Well, I want to buy some cherries and grapes and maybe a pork roast Well, I did turn you down about the hat, and you're only going ten blocks Oh, thank you, George, and I'll need a little money Okay, there you are But, honey, drive carefully Keep your hands on the wheel, your foot on the brakes Your mouth close, your ears open, and your eyes on the road Is it all right if my nose just hangs there and rests? Now, never mind being flipped Just see that you have Danny Kay's car back here without a scratcher All right, dear We finished our shopping, Meredith I parked the car right over here Gosh, Gracie, how did you ever manage to work George for the car and the money, too? Well, I told George I wanted to buy some cherries and grapes and a pork roast But you didn't buy those things I bought everything but the pork roast Couldn't find a hat but the pork roast on it Gee, you sure are a shrewd girl, Gracie Yeah, I know There to George With my looks, he has every right to expect dumbness I have to see us get home without a scratch on Danny's car Yeah Hide into us Gracie, you backed into it And you bent our back fender till it looks like a pretzel Hello, Missy Burns, are you having trouble? Oh, hello, Mr. Postman You two seem to be on a bender I made a little joke But I guess you're not in the mood for levity Well, I'm afraid not, Mr. Postman You think there's much damage done? Well, your rear bumper is out of shape If you'll pardon the expression Well, did I hurt the other car? A little, but don't worry about it I know the old bitty who owns it She's a sourpuss But I should pay for any damage No, let her husband pay for it Anyone who'd marry an old battle ax like that deserves to be stuck Well, all right Who does the car belong to? My wife Goodbye, Missy Burns Well, Gracie, I backed Danny's car into the garage for you Oh, thank you, Bill Anything to keep George from seeing that back fender I'm terribly sorry about it Well, it can be fixed, Gracie But of course, when George finds out, he'll hit the road Yeah, well, this has taught me a lesson I hereby solemnly swear that I will never lie Or deceive my husband again as long as I live Unless I'm positive it'll work Hey, here comes George up the walk now Uh-oh, he's here for the car What'll I do? Well, calm down, Gracie Maybe I can square this whole thing for you I got a little idea Say, Gracie, who backed the car into the garage? Well, I did Didn't I, Bill? Oh, sure Really? I didn't know you were that good Oh, yes, I backed into lots of things that you don't know about Well, I'm glad you're improving I'm going to drive down to the office now Goodbye, dear Well, goodbye Oh, Bill, what if he sees the fender? Well, leave everything to me, Gracie Oh, wait a minute, George George, uh, do you mind dropping me at Hollywood and Vine? I got to pick up a cute little girl there at 3 o'clock Bill, I don't go to Hollywood and Vine I go to Wilsh and La Brea Well, okay, I'll pick one up there at 3 o'clock Get in, Bill Hold it, George Hold it What's the matter? You're running right into the side of the garage Back up Huh? Come on, back up, back up Okay More, George, more Come on, farther Oh! You smashed the hole back into Danny's car Well, come on Let's get out and look at the damage But look what you've done Gee, I can't believe it That fender has folded up like an accordion Gracie, you'll never let me live this down You're not kidding Uh, say, Bill, huh? Is there maybe some way that you could make Gracie believe that she did this? What? You want me to stoop to deceit and trickery? Well, I just... You want me to make someone who didn't do this believe they did? Well, I... I'm surprised at you, George Well, forget it Shame on you, I won't do it All right, all right You dirty person Okay! You want to end up now? Meredith Wilson and his orchestra Tonight, he presents his chiffon arrangement of If I Love You It's your Gracie about it driving If she finds out I smashed this fender on my dead duck Well, now, calm down, George I'm the only one who knows I'm the only one who could tell her You wouldn't tell her, would you, Bill? Would you, Bill? Look at me Bill, old pal George, I've been thinking Maybe we should make a few changes in your radio program Well, just minor changes For example, you know the opening where I say George Burns and Gracie Allen Yes Well, from now on, that'll be It's Bill Goodwin time Starring Bill Goodwin Now, Bill Yes, sir, folks Presenting that handsome, talented young star Of stage, screen, radio, and television Dimples Goodwin 30 minutes of solid commercial Well, Bill, I'm not going to let you Or anybody else take over my program I've worked hard to get where I am I struggle, I stop, but I finally made it I achieved success You married Gracie I married Gracie, no Well, what if I tell her about the fender? Well, I'm going to tell her myself If she loves me, she'll forgive me Go and write her now and confess everything Gracie, I've been watching the garage Through the kitchen window and George didn't leave He's heading for the house right now Maybe he saw the fender and I smashed Oh, there'll be an awful fight if he did I think I'd better leave, Gracie I might be tempted to stick up for the week of sex Let George look out for himself The best thing for me is to just confess everything If he loves me, he'll forgive me Gracie, I'd like to... George, before you say anything Don't you think that when married people do something that other married people don't like married people should forgive married people especially if they're married We are married, aren't we, George? Yes, and I'm glad you feel that way, Gracie because I've got a little confession to make So far, but you go first No, no, ladies first Oh, no, no, that doesn't count You go first in this house because you're the boss I am? Well, you are when it fits in with what I'm saying Well, I'll make my confession, then you make your confession All right I smashed the fender on Danny Kay's car Well, now for mine, I snagged I backed up and smashed the fender And now I feel better because I've confessed and you'll forgive me Like the sound of that You need to let me drive the car and then going out on a wild joy ride But I only... Tearing through traffic at 80 miles an hour But all I... Locking down widows and orphans Okay, okay, you've got me over a barrel Uh-uh, I got you over a hat box Hat box? That's right, remember the hat you said I couldn't get? Yeah Well, I'm keeping it Oh, so you already had it? Now see me Ashing through red lights, bumping into greyhound buses Okay, keep the hat Oh, sure, now get a dress to match it Okay Gloves to match the dress Aren't you carrying this a little too far? Waving at blondes, throwing empty bottles into the street Get the gloves, get the gloves Match them Smashing the car so badly that even the smiling Irishman wouldn't buy it Look here, all I did was... Well, answer the door, Barney O'Field Yes, dear Well, hurry up, Los Angeles driver Yes, dear Good noon, Mr. Burns Here's your mail Thanks, Mr. Postman My goodness, you sound low Having trouble with your wife? Yes Me too Women are beasts, aren't they? But we men are so gullible Along comes a pretty face and we're hooked Yeah Come to think of it, I haven't even got that excuse Oh, well, I guess you're happy that your wife wasn't hurt in the accident this morning The what? Oh, it wasn't serious She just backed into my wife's car and crumpled your fender Gracie crumpled the fender? Yes, I always say that it takes a woman to be a woman driver You're so right Well, goodbye, Mr. Postman Goodbye, Mr. Burns Remember, keep smiling Mr. Postman Well, as I was saying, I think I'll get it for a coat too Maybe a red fox... That's right He just delivered the mail, huh? So you and Bill try to put one over on me Yes, dear You ought to be ashamed of yourself Yes, dear Did you take me for a complete idiot? Yes, dear And that hat goes back to the store Goes back Yes All right, dear, if you say so Oh, honey, honey, don't cry I can't stand to see you cry All right You'll dry your tears, you can keep the hat Are you really? Well, sure, honey Now, why didn't I think of this method in the first place? I've been had it I'm George and Gracie, Meredith and myself Spent a lot of fun pinch-hitting for Danny K. tonight Night, everyone