 One of the beautiful things about life is like sometimes you're going through something and you see or hear or even both the exact thing that you need to see. What is up everybody? This is Chris from the Rewired Soul where we talk about the problem but focus on the solution. And if you're new to my channel, my channel is all about mental health. And what I like to do is pull different topics from the YouTube community to try to teach you how to improve your mental and emotional well-being. So if you're into that make sure you subscribe and ring that notification bell. So yeah, I am super, super, super grateful because I love you guys. Like if you're not yet, follow me on Twitter at the Rewired Soul. You guys send me video suggestions and topics all day and usually I'm like okay yeah I'll check it out and I try to see if I can fit in but I also you know part of what I try to do with my channel is like I try to make something that I feel like making that day. You know what I mean? Like I just kind of do what I want to do. It's my channel you know and you know just now not well about 30 minutes ago someone sent me a video and they said talk about Cal out Cal L and I'm like who the heck is that right? But anyways hold on I promise to give this person the shout out but I need my phone. Well when I got my phone I actually got two tweets so one of them was at bad dim sum? Am I even saying that? Oh at bad dim sum. Oh Chris. And then the other one is Waffle Sir. That's a great name. Both of them suggested I watch this Cal L video and so I'm like okay cool my son and I just got home I was about to make him dinner and yeah Cal L I don't I don't know her I've literally never seen any of her content and she has like 1.9 million subscribers so Cal L if you see this you go girl. But anyways her video's titled like I gained 15 pounds in a month so I started watching it and yeah it seems I'm not here to diagnose anybody you know that's not what I do but she says she's been feeling depressed and this is one of the symptoms of depression is excessive weight loss or excessive weight gain alright and I was like huh but then like I went to go check out some more of her stuff and she had another video posted not too long ago that said why I'm sad and I started watching that and she started talking about the comments getting to her and stuff and I'm like holy crap so thank you bad dim sum and Waffle Sir um I really needed to see this today so you guys know what I do here I use a youtuber that you're familiar with to give you context and then I try to teach you some stuff so I'm going to be talking about myself but man like what I'm trying to teach you guys to do is to take what you're watching and see if you can relate and you know I guess the first thing I'll say is one of the best things that helps people who are struggling with you know just feeling not great whether it's depression anxiety trauma whatever it is is not feeling alone and today was a really messed up day for me um and you guys who tweeted this at me you helped me because I watched Cal Calel's video I'm like dang like I can relate and it really helped me out so thank you too Calel if you ever see this video thank you for getting on camera getting vulnerable and sharing this but yeah I just want to talk to you about my day so some of you who know like I've had some stuff going on right people calling me out and things like that and it's it's rough because I'm the mental health guy right and I'm trying to teach you how to improve your mental health but like I never want to make any of you think that my life is perfect and I've figured everything out you know I try to teach you what I've learned and go from there you know but I never want to give you the impression that my life is either A perfect or B that I know everything but today was rough and I actually I actually vented to Tristan and God let me tell you I love that girl I love that girl so much um I just you know we sat down and I just I just said hey sorry I got advanced I need to process some things and she just sat there and listened and that's one of the best things Tristan asked me earlier today um we were talking about 12 step meetings says those of you who don't know I got cleaned through 12 step meetings and she was asking me like do you still practice what you learned in those meetings and I said okay like you want an answer and like I don't know Tristan and I haven't had like a deep conversation like that and you know in a little while but basically what I was telling her is yes yes I do to the best of my ability when I go into the shower that's my that's my meditation time prayer time whatever you want to call it that's my quiet time where I check in with myself and I check in with my motives what am I doing what am I doing because you guys like I was a garbage human being for almost a decade in my drug addiction I was so selfish I was so self-centered everything was about me I was constantly using people to get what I wanted what I needed screw your feelings it's all about me right one of the reasons I talk about selfishness and self-centeredness so much on my channel is because that was destroying my life and then when you pile on top of that my pride in my ego so I was explaining to Tristan yes whenever I take a shower and I get quiet I ask myself and I set my intentions today and the for the day I'm like what am I doing what am I doing today why am I doing it what are my motives and I am just now it is just now hitting me right now that I'm at 92,000 subscribers like I am a workhorse you guys know that I work and work and work and work and it's like help people help people help people help more people help more people and then like as I get closer I'm like oh crap I'm almost at 100,000 cool only 8,000 more Chris all you get needed is 8,000 more Chris and the last day or two it's really just hit me like Chris you're at almost 100,000 subscribers this week alone I've had two people out in public I don't go out too much here in Vegas and two people in public recognize me right and it's really hitting me that how big this channel is getting right and I'm starting to reflect and even though I make videos you know using youtubers for context and things like that I'm really starting to feel what they feel and it's making more sense to me it's reminding me it's reminding me of my second year sober right first year I thought was rough second year was way harder than my first year because things are really hitting you and I thought the hard part was growing this channel but now what I'm noticing is is what youtubers talk about what Callo talked about Callo talked about in her video about why she's sad is just people say the most brutal things online who don't even you know know you or anything like that and I get a lot of people assuming my intentions and that's that's my issue my issue is like I was just I was actually going to make a video about Anna Akana because you made a video about self-love and I really wanted to do that to do kind of a positive video but you guys who tweeted that this Callo video I'm like no I can relate way too much to this but um I forgot where I was going with that and sorry this is unedited I'm just trying to get these thoughts off my head so you guys have a better understanding of what's going on and oh oh but anyways one of my biggest fears is that people might be right and that's something that Anna Akana actually talks about when we have negative self-talk like like check this out the worst comments on earth that I get my brain tells me so much worse my brain tells me Chris you're a fraud you're fake Chris your motives aren't good you aren't this right so I'm constantly checking in with myself because I know for me personally what will take me back to the terrible person that I used to be is if I stray off the path right if I start making youtube about money if I start making youtube about popularity and stuff if if this channel turns into not trying to reach as many people as possible by helping them I can turn into a terrible terrible human being right so when I see these comments and as much as I preach don't care so much what people think as I get bigger it gets harder I was telling Tristan this morning it's kind of like going to the gym which I've been doing I haven't been getting back into weights because my shoulders get messed up but anyways I was telling her it's kind of like when you're maxing out at the gym right first you get on you're like okay I can do this right and then you put on more weight you're like okay that's not too hard you put more weight more weight and then like it gets harder but you're like feeling like kind of like a badass you're like yeah I could do this and then it gets to a point where it is just too heavy and you're like oh I can't do this right and you reach your max and today I felt like I reached a breaking point because as a lot of you know I try to reply and read all of your comments and a lot of people have said oh Chris that's not sustainable that's not sustainable I'm like watch me I'm gonna be different I'm gonna be the youtuber where no matter how big I get I'm just gonna keep doing it keep doing it keep doing it right and today that breaking point hit so when you combine you know people making videos about me questioning my motives questioning my intentions then you get a mob of people coming in and the thing is is I understand how my brain works I understand how the brain works you might be able to relate to what I'm saying Cal-L might be able to relate to what I'm saying okay our brain has a negative bias our brain is is designed to focus on the negative I have so many of you who who tell me how much I'm helping you I even included it in my prim ink response video right I talked about how many of you tell me that I'm helping you but my brain will just hyper focus on the people who think they know my motives who think they know my intentions right and then I feel like I got to defend myself and my brain has just been a mess and I can relate to what Cal-L is talking about because in case you didn't notice you know something that I'm dealing with that I mentioned in a video the other day is that although I'm going to the gym and eating healthy or I still have unhealthy eating habits and Cal-L is talking about how she's been turning to food for depression you know I turn to food for a variety of emotions sometimes sometimes I'm able to avoid it and do something more productive maybe make a video or journal or meditate right but sometimes and I don't know if you can relate to this I get a case of the efforts right gotta get this video monetized so we'll call the case of the efforts I'm like screw it screw it you know what I'm just gonna go buy the gas station get some donuts you know and then afterwards I'm like oh god Chris why did you do that you know when I'm trying so hard and then they almost like negates you know the time I put into the gym but anyways anyways you know I am starting to realize that as my channel gets bigger you know I'm gonna change I gotta you know I gotta work on myself and the collabs that I'm doing in LA next week I just got an idea today of how I'm gonna do it I'll announce that on Sunday and by the way I'm gonna click bait you on Sunday I apologize in advance but I'm gonna explain how these collabs are gonna work but I want to turn this into a process of self-reflection and growth and I have some really cool stuff planned but anyways I hope Cal-L you know she talks about in her new video about gaining 15 pounds that how she'll get through it and things are gonna be better and you know and all that and I really hope they do for and I hope you guys all realize whenever I talk about you know other youtubers on my channel I always hope for the best I hope that was clear in my video about stop please stop shaming Trisha Paytas you know um because I you know I have a certain personality I come off tough I come off harsh you know but at the end of the day I really want people to do well and be happy and get better and stuff but anyways again we talk about the solution here so what am I doing what am I doing a few things I talked to Tristan today about limiting how often I reply to comments and how often I check comments so all of you who have grown accustomed to me being really active in the comment section I'm gonna try to wean back and this is for my mental health you know um like I said it's not sustainable and I love you guys you know interact with me on Twitter and things but you know my channel is almost at a hundred frickin thousand subscribers and I'm I'm conceding that it is not sustainable so that's one thing that I'm doing the other thing that I'm doing you know is my normal routine of you know writing things down really processing things opening up to my beautiful girlfriend Tristan I've been talking to my friends a lot more my mom is a great part of my support group Tristan and I were talking about how big my channel is getting and I had a channel when I first started this where none of my friends or family members watch it but now a lot of the people who love me the most are really getting into it I'm really grateful I'm really fortunate for those people in my life so if any of you are watching this I appreciate you so I'm using all of the tools like I try to give you guys a million tools because sometimes you just gotta keep trying but I think the most important thing not the most important one of the most important things is is that I'm actually in therapy now and talk about timing too I started therapy when things were going good so now I have somebody there and yes I use better help therapy all right I have a licensed therapist and today I was talking to her and I don't think until it wasn't until today that I told her that I'm a youtuber so I told her about everything that's going on I asked her her thoughts you know and opinions I sent her a link to one of my videos she actually told me to um to not respond to primink and I was like yo Katrina sorry but I saw this after I responded to primink um but anyways therapy's important and I hope more youtubers are doing it and getting help like it is one of the biggest suggestions I can I can you know really give to people I also before I end this video I want to shout out Megan Tonjes I'm going to watch her video right now too she just made a video about um her experience with therapy she made a video not that long ago about her first therapy session so this seems like a follow-up so shout out to Megan Tonjes uh her and I have a little bit of a history go through my channel you'll see where I made a public apology to Megan Tonjes I'll tweet it out too uh just to let her know that I just gave her a shout out in this her and I are cool now but yeah if you want a story about how I used to be an awful human being watch my video about apologizing to Megan Tonjes if you want another story about how like a lot of you asked me for more story time sorry this is getting a little rambling watch my video about me going after the weatherman okay I played that on live stream a few months ago and people loved this go watch that I if you think I'm crazy now check out some of that stuff but anyways my uh all the best wishes to Kallel um if she does see this if you want to tweet it out or go for it uh I I know that my platform's getting bigger and more youtubers are gonna see this and I do need to keep that in mind more but don't worry tough love Chris ain't going anywhere all right but anyways I really appreciate all of you for watching this long ass video thanks again to Kallel for opening up getting vulnerable I'm gonna I'm gonna start learning more from other youtubers who have been through what I'm going through as I grow and I even want to at some point start like a youtuber like support group you know what I mean because a lot of people feel very isolated and alone and I think I think we all need to rely on each other you know you gotta be around people who understand what you're going through all right but anyways let me end this video again thanks for watching give this video a thumbs up if you like it and if you haven't already make sure you subscribe and ring the notification bell because I make a ton of videos have a lot of cool stuff and collabs coming up soon so make sure notifications are on huge thank you to everybody who supports the channel over on patreon I I legit love you guys because a lot of you like you're purely only being a patron to support what I'm doing and I really really appreciate you all right but thank you all just for watching you support me as well I love you all I'll see you soon