 Hey, you! No, not you. You've had your chance. Yes, you! Would you shut up and try to write Doctor Fan Fiction? And then Clive will touch the Doctor's balls. You? Can we get a different kind of hoovy in here? Hey, champ! Do you want to learn how to write a Doctor Who episode? Boy, do I! Well, after you've gone through the steps you need to climb in order to create your very own adventure. Boy, howdy, Mr. Intimidating Arena Voice Man! This sounds like fun! Don't you call me Intimidating You Little Shit Piscot? Step one! First off, you have to pick your Doctor and what he's going to be like. Can I choose David Tennant? No, shut up! Now, keep in mind this is the only bit of casting that truly matters. Isn't that right, Pearl Mackie and Matt Lucas? Oof. So, you better make this choice count. Now, tell me, kid, who do you want to play the Doctor? Rupert Green? Out of everyone in Harry Potter, you go with that guy? Wait a minute. It's because he's ginger, isn't it? Maybe? Oh, good God. You should be glad there was no other Doctor Who fans around, otherwise you'd be gone so fast! Look, how about this? Let's have you be the Doctor! Me? Oh boy, that'll be super duper, Mr. Man! Please, call me Keith. No. I'm not going to do that. Anyway, first off, we've got to pick your costume. Now, this can go one of two ways. You can be completely off the wall in random, making you stand out and making it clear you're not of this world by sight alone. Let's say, scarf, funny hat, colorful coat, and bevy. Um, I mean, I don't want to be rude, but... I don't like this way, Will. What's the other way? I was about to get to that. Don't interrupt me! You don't know me! I want a buster! The next way to dress as a Doctor is normal, that you could wear out and about even when popping to the shops. For example, a nice dress shirt, a tie, nice coat, and converse, because I know how much you love David Tent. Ah gee, thanks, sir! I'm really digging this new fly look! No problem, champ. Now, let's move on to your personality. You can either be dignified or modest with your grand knowledge of the universe. I'm not a man. I walk in eternity. I can take you to worlds filled with song and beautiful forests as far as the eye can see. Wow, that's a mighty fine dialogue, Mr. Man! Right, that one myself. But I believe you'll enjoy the other option much better. It's the new who cookie-cutter bombastic bugger! I'm mad. Madder than Maggie, the mad marble, to like, to all the places I can take you, a planet filled with people that are bombs of faces, so whenever they speak, it's an absolutely horrid mess. I'm not a big fan of that one! Well, I'm sure it'll grow on you. Moving on! Now we have to pick your companion. Now, as we all should know, the best companion is no companion. When you give a good actor a good script, he can power his way through it on his own. But since we as fans apparently want someone grounded in reality... Yeah, because that's what people want in a show about fucking time travel! Yeah, that doesn't sound too good at all! Let's just stick with me being a badass! No! How about we get the most pandering, annoying and childish companion we can muster? That sounds ideal for the obviously baby audience this show has! Hi doctor! My name's Jack and I'm hidden super cool! Can you say cool? Can I kill this guy? Just a little bit of... No silly, the doctor doesn't kill. Unless it's genocide against his own people of course. I mean duh! Are you okay, Mr. Man? You don't seem too happy. Me? Fantastic I am! Now back to your advertiser-friendly companion. Advertiser-friendly? That's the word of the day! You anger me! Interesting, smart, independent and entertaining companions are a relic of the past. And a great alternative that died after Clara entered the show. Isn't that right, Sarah, Jim, Romana, Captain Jack, Martha Jones, Donna, Noble and Rory Williams? Too right Keith! Too bloody right! That's the third time today! Oh well! We'll see him again at the end of the series! Working on! Now we're getting onto the big bads of the show. What's recommended is to bring back fan favourites and chop their balls off! Leaving behind the diabolical schemers of the past. And leaving us with a pile of catchphrases in the occasional dark moment. To remind you of the glory days that will never be reborn! Mr. Keith, narrator man! Do you have some kind of grudge against the new series for some of the changes they've made? I'll answer that when the cameras are off, little buddy. Now the main thing to remember of our joy, let me, is that they can never, under any circumstances, kill someone. But I'm Dalek supposed to be Nazis? How do you have robot tank Nazis without a little killing? It doesn't make any sense! Well the show is certainly going strong without it, so it must be right! Speaking of Daleks, if you ever go with them, make sure every copy of Genesis of the Daleks is out of sight. So you can never know how great both they and Davros once were. This is one of my favourites! Aw, fuck! Don't worry, friendo! We'll save the Daleks for another time. Although please use them quickly, otherwise Teddy Nation will get his dirty, money-grabbing hands on them! I know! Let's use everybody's favourite buddy, Missy! Don't you fuck it! She's right next to me, isn't she? The bitch is back! I went to an acting school. Final step! Now the most crucial part of any story is... the story. Yes. Remember, you have a time machine that can go anywhere in time and space. So be sure to lock up interesting planets like Galiflain's Gardo and stay on Earth, because you don't see enough of that in the real world, do you? Please say you realise how ironic and stupid everything you're saying right now is! Hush now, talk later. Start with one interesting idea and then pile about 20 more on top, just in case that really good idea that could probably last a two-parter doesn't work for a 45-minute bloody episode! Can I at least have a dart for boating ending, which, you know, challenges audiences and makes them want to come back into the very least intrigues them? Get outta here with that smart talk, boy! No! You give this sucker the most cliche, happy ending you can imagine, and only every once in a couple of seasons grow a pair and do a heaven-sent and make it both depressing, awesome and intriguing. And then fuck that up with a hell-bent so your fans won't know what to think! Huzzah! Didn't a lot of fans think hell-bent was better than heaven-sent? Yes, I know. You don't agree with that, right? Oh God, no, I have a brain. Now you have all the necessary components you need to make your very own Doctor Who episode. Well, it wasn't quite what I was expecting, but... No, I didn't like this experience at all. Chip, don't save us all! Someone get me out of this recording studio! The BBC locked me in!