 Good health to all from Rexall. It's the Phil Harris Alice Faye show presented by the makers of Rexall drug products and 10,000 independent Rexall family drugists. This is your Rexall family drugist. Greeting you this evening with the wish that you and yours are enjoying all the happiness and blessings of this holiday season. More than 19 centuries have passed since men first heard the Christmas message of peace on earth to men of goodwill. But since that night, through thick and thin, in feast or in famine, in good times or bad, men have struggled to be worthy of that blessing. And as long as we keep that goal before us, another 19 centuries from now, men will still be saying, as I say to you tonight for the makers of Rexall drug products and 10,000 Rexall family drugists, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to all from Rexall. And now your Rexall family drugist brings you the Phil Harris Alice Faye show. Written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Ruse, and Whitfield, Walter Sharp and his music, our special guest Jack Benny, and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris. The Harris children, like all others, have been on their best behavior for weeks. Let's go back to yesterday where we find Alice complimenting her children on their good deportment. Now, you've been particularly good, baby Alice, and I'm sure Santa Claus will bring you lots of presents tonight. I hope so, Mommy. And as for you, honey, you've been just as good as Alice. You've been going to bed early, putting your toys away, and eating all your food. The only thing is you haven't been drinking all your milk. Well, I try, but you know how that stuff gags me. Why, Phil, I'm talking to little Phyllis. Where is she? She was here a minute ago. She went into the den, Mommy. I'll go get her. Phyllis, what are you doing with those crayons? I'm going to draw a picture on the wall. Don't do that. You know we've got to be good till tonight. But I've been good for three weeks now. Alice, that's an awful strain. I know, but it's only a few more hours. Don't crack up now. I know, but as Daddy always says, it ain't been easy, Clyde. Santa Claus yet? No, but I will. Children, what's going on in here? Yeah, what are you two doing? Mommy, Daddy, we want to ask a favor. We'd like to stay up and see Santa Claus when he brings the presents tonight. All right, honey. Okay. You can stay up and see him, but now you kids run along. I'll go ahead and play. Oh, thanks, Daddy. Gee, I can hardly wait for tonight. Oh, Phyll, why don't you promise the children that? Now if they don't see Santa, they'll be very disappointed. But they're going to see him because I'm going to dress up like Santa and come down to chimney. They won't be able to tell me from the real one. Yes, dear? You know something, Alice, I still can't figure out how they knew it was me last year. What did I do that was wrong? Well, for one thing, you were supposed to come in singing jingle bells. I did. Yes, I know, but those lyrics, I can still hear them. Ham hocks, turnip greens, they melt right in your mouth. A candied yams, and a hominy grits, and that's what I like about the south. Yeah! What's wrong with those lyrics? That isn't the way we sing it up north. Help it a few Yankees, don't know the right words. Whoever heard of a Brooklyn ham hock. I have to get somebody else to play Santa. I can't understand why I can't do it. I should be able to fool little Phyllis. Why can't I outsmart a five-year-old? Maybe it's because you have the brain of a four-year-old. Well, if it isn't our little feathered friend, Fagal Faye. I just dropped in. Well, maybe you can help us. We're trying to think of who we can get to play Santa Claus for the girls tonight. We want to get someone who looks and sounds like the real thing. I know just the man. Me. I shall be glad to portray Christopher Gringo. Christopher? Well, Donna, my Blitzen. Find Santa Claus you'd make. I'd make an excellent one. I'm quite an actor, you know. I can see myself popping out of the chimney, bounding into the living room and saying ho-ho-ho, and a merry Christmas to you little kitties, and what do you wee darling's desire as a Yuletide memento? Thank you to Lula Bankhead. I'm sorry, Willie, but you're not the right boy. No, if you don't want me to help, I won't. I have to run along anyway. I have to meet my girlfriend at the taxidermists. I hope they did a good job on her. I just thought of a perfect one to play Santa Claus. Don Wilson. Don Wilson? Yeah, old Fatso. Fatso, he'd be swell, wouldn't he? Don is our man. I'll call him right now and see if he can come over tonight. Hey, that's swell, honey. Gee whiz, now the kids won't be disappointed. Santa will show up. You know, there's something wonderful about watching a kid on Christmas, waiting for Santa and listening for those jingle bells. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Ooh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Ooh, what fun it is to ride in an open sleigh. Dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh. Ride over the fields we go, laughing all the way. Bells on bobtail ring, they're making spirits bright. What fun it is to ride and sing a slaying song tonight. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Hey, oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh. Hey, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh. A day or two ago, I thought I'd take a ride, and soon Miss Alice Faye was seated by my side. The horse was lean and lank, this fortune seemed his lot. We got into a thrifted bank and we got upset. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh. Hey, hey, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride in an open sleigh. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh what fun it is to ride One horse, one horse open One horse opens wide He wears, I hope Don can make it He's gonna be terrific as Santa Uh-oh, that must be Frankie Hi, Curly Well, if it ain't Francis, the red nose reindeer Come on in, nose, come on in You look pretty good, Clyde Yeah, you look fine Hey, what do you got in all those packages? Christmas presents Got some things for the kids and Alice And here's something for you, Curly For me? You got a present for a little old Curly-edded me Yeah, I got you Oh gee, Frankie That's sweet of you I don't know what to say It's alright, Curly But the thought You don't know how I appreciated it Well, it touches me deeply You're gonna get sloppy about it, I'll take it back Don't stand there, open it up, see what it is Gee, Frankie Just what I wanted Tissue paper The present's under the paper Oh, here it is Why, it's a bottle It's not just a bottle It's imported champagne You bought a bottle of champagne for me And gee, Wiz, it's almost half full too They didn't have any splits, so I bought a Magnum and siphoned it off Where is Alice? Oh, she's inside calling Don Wilson You see, the kids want to see Santa Claus tonight So we're asking Don to play it Why are you getting Don Wilson to play Santa? Well, what else am I gonna do? Let them stay up and see the real Santa Claus Yeah, but I don't know what time he's coming in Can I have that again, Herman? Yeah, why don't you let the kids see the real Santa Claus? You better get some sleep, kid So you're another one of those cynics, huh? A wise guy who don't believe You do? Of course Just because you've never seen him don't mean he's not there You must realize, Curly, there are some things in life that are inexplicable There exist certain psychic phenomena that are ethereal And beyond the comprehension of we mere mortals Don't you agree? Oh, and dumb them lay Curly, you can take my word for it The real guy will show up I see him every Christmas I don't prove nothing Proves absolutely nothing You see a lot of things nobody else sees All I got to say is it's a good thing kids have more common sense and faith Than some grownups that Christmas wouldn't be much fun I know that tonight, old Saint Nick and his reindeer will come flying through the sky I'll drop by later, maybe then you'll sing a different tune Goodbye Infidel Poor Remli He ain't been the same since he switched to yami yogurt I called Don but he can't make it However, he said he had a lot of active friends and he'll send one of them over He said we'd have to pay the active ten dollars So what? It's gonna be worth ten dollars to make the kids happy Honey, did Don say he could get someone positively? Because this is important now and I don't want to Now look, honey, Don promised to stop worrying He'll be here a little later It's ten o'clock already and Santa isn't here yet Gee, Mommy, do you think maybe he isn't coming? Now, now, don't fret girls, of course he's coming So, you better watch out, you better not cry Better not pout, I'm telling you why Santa Claus is coming to town He's making a list and checking it twice Gonna find out who's naughty and nice Santa Claus is coming to town He sees you when you're sleeping He knows when you're awake He knows if you've been bad or good So be good for goodness sake Oh, you better watch out, you better not cry Better not pout, I'm telling you why Santa Claus is coming to town Give his brain here in a great big open sleigh With a great big bag of presents And you give them all away He sees you when you're sleeping He knows when you're awake He knows if you've been bad or good So be good for goodness sake Oh, you better watch out, you better not cry Better not pout, I'm telling you why Santa Claus is coming to town When is that Santa Claus we hired gonna show up? Well, he'll be here, Phil, Don said he would've Hello, Merry Christmas everybody Merry Christmas, Frankie Hey, Merry Christmas Hey, Renly, what do you got there? Milk and cookies for Santa Claus? I put him on the mantel form every year Milk and cookies? That old man's been working like a dog tonight Let's leave him something more nourishing Like beer and pretzel Don't be a funny drummer I'll put the milk and cookies over the fireplace Where are the kids? They're upstairs waiting for Santa Yeah, and I'm waiting too When is the guy gonna show up? It's after 10 already Be patient, Curly, he's got a long trip From the North Pole Besides, his reindeer ain't as young As they used to be in his sleigh I'll keep quiet I'm paying the guy 10 bucks You'd think he'd get here on time This subterfuge is also unnecessary Uh-oh, that must be Santa now I'll let him in, honey I'll go with you, honey Yeah, come on Well, Merry Christmas, Santa Claus Thank you Hello, Santa Claus Ho, ho, ho Merry Christmas, and where's my $10? Hey, Jackson, what are you doing here? Well, Don Wilson happened to mention That you were in the market for a Santa Claus And you were paying $15 So I thought I might as well pick up the $20 Wait a minute, wait a minute The fee is $10 But Jackson, since when do you have to go around Playing Santa Claus for money? Oh, Phil, please I'm not doing it just for the money There are other reasons I'm doing it because, uh... Well, and there's, uh... Oh, I could go on naming reasons like that Oh, hello, Frankie Merry Christmas How do I look at my Santa Claus outfit? Like a road company of Milton Burl Fine-looking Santa Claus I think I look charming Charming, you said Where'd you get that messy red suit? It's got spots all over it I rented it Santa Claus had it last year Was a sloppy eater Well, how do you think I look? Like a bloodshot leopard I think you look ridiculous Get a load of that white beard Where'd you rent that morphine thing? Dad, I didn't rent I was playing, uh... Canasta with Monty Woolly and I won it Of course, you people don't like me as Santa Claus Oh, pay no attention to these two, Jack I think you make a wonderful Santa Claus And you're worth what we're paying you Phil, give Jack the $10 Okay, here you are, Jackson Thanks Oh, gee, little fella Still get a kick out of this I'll go call her and Jack Jack, try to convince her You're really Santa Claus, won't you? Little Phyllis? Phil, I thought I was doing this for your benefit If it's for a little Phyllis I wouldn't think of taking money No, it's okay, Jackson A deal's a deal Oh, please, don't embarrass me But Jackson, I've... If it's for the kid I wouldn't think of taking the $10 Well, if you insist... $750 is plenty What kind of a heel do you think I am? Now, Phil Well, it's mighty sweet of you, Jackson To play Santa Claus for my two kids Two kids? $750 each No, I can't take any money I can't take any money at all Tell you what, Phil If you want to, you can buy me A little something for Christmas Like what? Anything that Alice can afford Okay, Jackson But now look, it's up to you now To make the kids think that you're Santa This impersonation is preposterous Santa Claus won't like this Besides, you'll never be able to fool the kids Oh, I don't know With this costume and bag of toys over my shoulder I shouldn't have any trouble No, but it would be awful if you wouldn't If you don't fool them, Jackson Oh, gee, if there was only some kid We could try you out on Just to see if you could fool them That's right, where are you? Julius Hey, Frankie, that's just the kid we need Hey, come on in here, Julius Now, look, Jackson If you can fool this kid, you can fool anybody Oh, don't worry, Phil I'll just hit her in this chair here And you watch his reaction when he sees me Okay, Dad And I certainly hope... What do you want, Mr. Harris? No, why? I'm not Red Flannel Don't you recognize me, Sonny? You look familiar I'll give you a hint I'm that jolly old man with the white beard Hey, Julius Look, he's wearing a red suit And he's got a beard What is he? A Bolshevik Julius, don't you recognize Sandy Claus when you see him? This is Sandy Claus? That's right, Son I'm old Saint Nick Sit on my lap And tell me what you want for Christmas Or I'll break every bone in your body That's the kind of a Sandy Claus I am All the charm of a wet cigar He has the personality of a torn pocket Like I told you, you can't fool kids Well, you could fool a kid He's not a kid He's a wise guy He's not a barometer What? Barometer I don't know what it means We'll look it up after I certainly don't see it here Julius is too old anyway He's a lot older than my kids Now, when the girls come down They won't know the difference Because Jackson looks old enough to be able to... Come along, children Come along Santa's right in here Well, there he is Gee, Santa Claus Hello, Santa Ho, ho, ho Merry Christmas And hello again This is Santa Claus talking Come here, children And tell me how you like old Santa We like you fine, Santa You're just like we pictured you Yes, but, Santa What is it, my child? You look awfully old Ho, ho, ho I am, little girl After all, I'm Santa Claus And I've lived for... I've lived for hundreds And hundreds and hundreds of years How old are you? Thirty-nine Well, old Santa has to be going now Here are your toys, girls Thank you, Santa Yeah, thanks Well, I'll be seeing you next year Merry Christmas to all And to all a good night Updancer, upprancer, up Donald D Ho, ho, ho What did you think of Santa Claus? I liked him But I was a little disappointed Why? I expected him to take out his violin And play love and blue You mean you kids knew it Was Mr. Benny? Sure But we didn't want to say anything And hurt his feelings Daddy, when is the real Santa coming? Well, um Well, you see, honey, he... He'll be here soon, kids Oh, Frankie Look, kids He may be here too late Look I'll tell you what I'll tell you a Christmas story And then will you run off to bed? All right, daddy But we wanted so much to see him I know Well, maybe next year Now, look, sit on my lap And I'll tell you a beautiful Christmas story You ready? It was the night before Christmas And all through the house Not a creature was stirring Not even a mouse The stockings were hung By the chimney with care In hopes that St. Nicholas Soon would be there I thought I heard sleigh bells No The children were nestled All snug in their beds While visions of sugar plums Dance through their heads The ch- Alice, what are those bells? What's the- Shh, quiet, Curly But Merry Christmas, Santa Frankie, who are you talking to? I don't see anybody The kids do Look at them Gee, Santa They couldn't fool us with any make-believe Santa Claus We were waiting just for you Oh, sure, we've been very good girls Oh, what a lovely dollhouse Thank you And all these things are for me Can I open them now? All right, Santa, we'll wait till morning Thank you very much And a Merry Christmas to you too, Santa Of course we'll tell them Merry Christmas And goodbye, Santa Claus I told you to show up, Curly Frankie, I don't get it I heard it, but I didn't see him Of course you didn't He sure is a nice-looking old gent Alice, did you see him? I'm not sure, Phil I almost thought I saw him standing by the fireplace But Alice, how could it be? If he was standing... Phil Phil, what are you staring at? The mantle Alice The milk and cookies They're gone We'll be back in just a moment But right now, here's your Rexall family drugist For a lot of Sunday evenings now It's been my privilege to talk with you About a bunch of Rexall drug products And the 10,000 independent family drugists Who recommend and sell them Though we're big in numbers We have a strong family feeling And since Christmas is such a special family occasion I want to speak directly tonight To all the Rexall drugists listening in We're proud that you have chosen To make our family name part of your own We're proud of the way the towns And communities you serve like and respect you And of the active part you play in civic life And so tonight, wherever you are From Maine to California From the St. Lawrence to the Rio Grande Merry Christmas to you And to all your customers Merry Christmas to all from Rexall Phyllis, Sadda said something to you And you said, yes, we'll tell them What did he say? He told us to be sure and wish you and Daddy A merry Christmas He did Hey, wasn't that swell of them? Look, kids, now you're all tucked in You've seen Santa and you've had everything you want So will you go right to sleep? Good night, girls Good night Good night, babies You know something, Alice We're lucky to have two sweet kids like that They're little darlings Daddy Yes, dear Go to sleep Stay tuned for Sam Spade Then two great stars on Theatre Guild on NBC