 Hey Abbott what time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello show Abbott and Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood tonight for your listening pleasure with Susan Miller and the music of Maddie Mallet Hold on to your tears folks for here they are but Abbott and Luke Costello Costello Costello you're late again. Well, I was watching the girls admiring Lana Turner's new necklace Lana Turner has a new necklace Yes, made out of her old wedding rings Hey, who is that girl you were out with last night? That's my new girl. What's she like? Well, what's she like? She likes Berber, Scotch, Gin, Rye, Wine, Scotch, Berber Look, where did you meet this girl? Oh at the Palladium. I asked her for a dance Did you dance the Foxtrot, the Tangler or the Waltz? The one step. The one step? One step and I changed my mind about dancing with her Why wasn't she a good dancer? No, but she makes you forget about dancing during the mission When I took her home, I kissed her good night and got a real kick out of it. She kisses that good. No, her father caught us Instead of running around every night with a different girl, why don't you settle down and get married? Not me. I had a getting married. It's like going to a cafeteria. Like a cafeteria. Yeah, you grab what you want and pay for it later But if you're fighting crying you'll need a man like me a point me sheriff and I'll go from house to house and pinch every cook No, no, not every cook You mean you'll pinch every crook. You'll pinch what you like and I'll pinch what I like You'll pinch what you like and I'll pinch what I like Castella why were you late tonight? Well, I always slept that but I had a very peculiar dream I dreamed I was a pin cushion in a room full of balloon dances and am I mad? Why are you mad? Well, I woke up just when things were beginning to pop After next week I'm gonna get my own room. I can't sleep on my brother Pat anymore all night long He dreams he's Roy Rogers. Oh, why should that disturb you? He also dreams I'm triggered Happen if you will appoint me sheriff Vincino. I'll clean up the town. I'm up a ball of pool rooms I'll clean at all the saloon. I'll scour the alley. How can you do that? I'm the side. I'm a street queen Castella if I make you the new sheriff, you've got a lot of great men to follow listen to the records of their backgrounds Sheriff Jones redcoats Northwest Mountain 1931 Sheriff Brown redcoats Northwest Mountain 1938 Sheriff Castello sports coats Bullock's basement 1975 You have to know something about the law for instance. Do you know how to put up a defense for sure all you have to Could I have that again? I said, do you know how to put up a defense? Why should I put up a defense? I already put up at the wall around my house. I Also got at the hedge in the backyard Why do I have to put up a defense? No no Castella when I say you put up a defense I don't mean you put up a fence like you do when you put up a fence I mean a defense like when you put up a defense ever. I think you nuts I Know you wouldn't know how to act in the criminal investigation. Oh, that's how I was down in a morgue yesterday to see a gangster that was killed I lifted up the sheet and there he laid the corpus delicatessen Corpus delicti not corpus delicatessen. This was a corpus delicatessen. He was stabbed with a salami, right? But you didn't have to dump that heap of rubbish here on this day Rubbage. Oh, pardon me. It's Castello Castella's sheriff of Encino. He's going to chase all the criminals out of town. Well, buddy You ought to put me on that job, you know, I'm a regular bloodhound from the looks of your ears You must be pot cock a spaniel to More insults from you Costello. I can see through you. I've got eyes like a hawk and a beat to match Hello How dare you insult my wife? She's beautiful why before I married her she had men falling in her feet And why not? She was refereeing fights at the Legion Stadium You pigeon-pussed-puff-eyed penguin when I was a girl living in the country boys used to court me from ten miles away They had to they were afraid to come any closer Pay no attention to money say that's a pretty hat. They're wearing Oh, I just bought it. Do you think I should wear it to one side off the face if you're smart? You'll wear it over your face No life By the way, buddy, I got some new shoes, too. Do you like them? They're pumps on and you they look good. Well, thanks Considering that your legs look like pump handles How dare you I have beautiful legs you're pulling my wife is not bully She's the only woman in the world. I can walk down a bowling alley while the game is on That's Della for insulting my wife I'm not going to make you sure for Vinzino and I'm not going to give you this beautiful badge Oh, please have it. Let me be to share. I've always wanted a badge Everybody's got a badge but me a cup has a badge a fireman has a badge even a little boy scout has a badge Abbot, I've just got to have a badge. But why do you have to have a badge? I'm tired of holding up my pants with my teeth. Oh All right, I hear by a point you sure of in signal step forward and I'll pin this badge on your shirt Thank you, Abbot. I mean your honor Oh still I'm tearing your shirt. I ain't wearing any shirts Come on. We're going over to the sheriff's office in Cena right now. So you can start to work immediately Well Sheriff Costello you can take over at once I've got it at it What ma'am broke into your room? Yes, ma'am. I'll put on a police radio right away Calling all cars calling all cars go to 237 Mauburn Street an old maid found a burglar in a room Proceed with caution the old maid is armed Well, Castella you're catching on to your job fairs news for you. I just picked up a cent It's nice this more grab a bus and get out of town My wife may be in trouble. That's right buddy dear something terrible has just happened. What do they do find your birth certificate? Custella pay attention to my wife as the Sheriff of Encino. It's your duty to hear her out. Well, if it'll make you happy I'll throw her out Never mind him dear. Let's hear your story Well for the last couple of nights has been a lot of strange noises screams and gunshots coming from that empty house next door to us Suddenly at two o'clock in the morning as I was standing by the stove making fudge What happened? How she burned her fudge I saw a mysterious man peering out of the attic window. He's made an ugly face that be like this. No, no Don't do that. I haven't made the face yet. How can I tell? Quiet Castella this baby was more serious than you think I'd like to see the Sheriff That's the mysterious man Castella look, it's Bella Lagossey Bella Lagossey Just a minute Castella. Mr. Lagossey. I am the chairman of the Committee for Crime Prevention in Encino Now, just what is the nature of your complaint? Well, I put it in a simple language that even a moron can understand. Step aside, Abbey, he's talking to me Alison Lagossey, I'm the Sheriff around here, and I'm gonna ask you some questions Now what were those screams in your house at midnight? That was my business And what about those gunshots? That's my business Ask him about those dead bodies in the basement. He's also my business. This guy is doing a heck of a business That settles it Castella You as Sheriff will have to investigate and search Lagossey's house tonight at midnight. You'll be like the house Costello It's the only house in Encino where every room has a bat and A strange man should suddenly appear with a long sharp knife in his hand and offer to cut your throat Yes Refuse him Take back the badge. I don't want to be sheriff anymore get me out of here now And that's only half upon folks just as many laughs yet to come but first listen to this Music Susan Miller with Maddie Malnick and his orchestra has a springtime story about the Dickie Bird song A Dickie bird whispered, how do you spring is here? A little crow sang a happy hello My favorite time of the year a little frog sang a song and he's long lose your blues lose your blues And you and I on here in the dickie birds news If you have to look around to find the reason For such a wonderful thing You can blame it on the sentimental season Falling in love is done in the spring A bobble ink looked at us with a wink at a boy at a girl nothing's wrong When you're in love you'll go swinging along singing a dickie bird song Love is done in the spring The bobble ink looked at us with a wink at a boy at a girl nothing's wrong Love you'll go swinging along singing a dickie bird song LaGosie's house have it So full dark in that house, but you've got to go in there You're the sheriff you've got to go in there and look for the trouble Couldn't I look for it out here there's more light Look at me. I'm not scared have it I think I hear something Or is it my imagination? Thank goodness. It was only my imagination Hello sheriff Costello I see you have come to investigate my house Come in I'm making myself a sandwich What kind of a sandwich It's a rattlesnake burger How about with pickled toads and diced bat wings Do you put ketchup on it? What to get heartburn It's too bad you won't be here for breakfast. We are having shrouded wheat Shrouded wheat Abbott hook There's a casket in the corner with rubber sheets in it rubber sheets in it Yes, I line all my caskets with rubber sheets So the rain Can't get in Why? My beer is the dry beer Hey Costello look at that funny looking machine over there in the corner That's my Sears machine on that I manufacture robots Get it Abbott Sears or robots I'll soon be Which one Abbott I'm getting out of here. I don't like the looks of this place Look at the grandfather's clock in the corner Oh lots of people have grandfather's clocks with their grandfathers hanging in it like a pendulum Question Lagosci about the house Mr. Lagosci, where is the former owner of this house? Do you see that pile of freshly dug dirt in the corner? Yes, sir. Well, that's not a vegetable garden Hmm that's strange I thought I felt a draft on my neck What's strange about that? I have no neck Mr. Lagosci, what are you whispering for? I was born in a library I had to stay there six months How come? My father lost his card Hey, look Costello there's a skeleton in this room There's two skeletons in this room Two skeletons. Yeah, I just jumped out of my skin Hey Abbott look Lagosci has just disappeared through that wall Pardon me Abbott. I want to see somebody outside. Who me that? Come back here Costello You're scared. Why don't you sing go ahead and sing it'll keep up your courage Carry me back to old Virginia You keep singing like that and they'll drag you back Who are you? I'm a ghost. I'm the ghost of richard the lion hearted. Who are you? I'm Costello the chicken livered Mr. Ghost Costello is a sheriff and we've got to investigate this house Why don't you start in the cellar here? I'll open the door for you. You can go right down those stairs Costello, where are you? I'm down in the cellar Abbott, but look out for that first step. It's a lulu I'll turn on this flashlight and we'll take a look around the Abbott quick. Look over there There's a body on the floor. Is he dead? I can't tell his head is missing I'm getting out of here Abbott Costello. What are we nicer men? I don't know about you, but I'm glad there's no cat around Look You mean a little ghost is back Costello It is indeed regrettable that you choose to prowl around in my cellar I'm in a blood thirsty mood So far this week. I've only killed nine people This guy sounds like a california driver Just a minute Legosi Costello is a sheriff of this town and you've got a dead man lying down here in your cellar Yes, I know he lives here But he's dead He's dead. I tell you why don't you throw him out? I can't He's rent is paid off of you June 1st Come on Costello. We've got to continue with the search. Well, go ahead with your search If you want me I've been the morgue lying on my slab That's where I'm happiest I'm lying on my slab Don't look now Abbott, but I think he's a little slab happy Come on Costello. Let's look in this room open the door Costello What in the world was that? I don't know and that's chandelier Come on out here Costello. Hey look I just found a secret closet. Let's open it now. Don't touch that door Costello Look at that sign. It says This closet has never been open in over 175 years. I don't believe that I'm gonna open it Costello Costello, where are you? I'm hiding over here under this bed. Come on call out from under that bed Okay Now I wonder who put that piggy bank under here Hey, look Costello There's a panel sliding open in that wall Gentlemen, how can I ever thank you? You've released me from a hypnotic spell that I've been under for over a thousand years Oh Abbott, she's beautiful Tell me miss. Are you a mummy? Oh, no, I'm not even married She you're lovely Where did you come from? I remember coming here on Noah's Ark with all the animals They all came in pairs the birds came in pairs the rabbits came in pairs Did everything come in pairs everything but the worms they come in apples What are you two doing here? Well, we're trying to solve the secrets of this house I can help you. I know this house. I've got the inside Uh, what you've got on the outside ain't bad either Be careful. Be careful. You didn't have enough material, eh? No Lou Lou be careful This girl is a vampire. She may be dangerous and besides she's a thousand years old You want to be able to handle a rabbit? She's the same age as your wife Which one of you gallant gentlemen open that panel and release me? I did I'm gonna reward you. Come put your arms around me. I'm going to kiss you Abbott this kid is more than a thousand years old Oh, you're very sweet. You remind me of an actor. I used to go with 500 years ago Really? You went with an actor 500 years ago. What was his name? And Johnson Hey What's that? Oh, it's it's Lugosi coming back. He mustn't find me here. I've got to get back behind my panel But before I go you may take my hand and kiss it Thank you. Thank you Castello, what are you doing? I'm kissing your hand. But castello the girl is gone She's gone back behind that panel. Now, wasn't she sweet? She gave me her hand a kiss I've got a hint and I'm holding it in mine and she's gone and I wasn't that She's gone. Oh, man, I still got a hand. What are you trying to do? Wake up the living Castello, it's fellow Lugosi. He's coming towards us. Well, Sheriff Costello I got to go now before I get into trouble with the police Are you afraid of the police because you killed those nine people last week? No, it's not that Are you afraid of the police because of the desolate crimes you've committed? No, it's not that And why are you afraid of the police? Yes. Why? Why do you have to leave here so suddenly? I just remembered I left my car park, uh, one hour zone and you know those those anglis cops Good night, Mr. Costello Good night, Mr. Lugosi. Isn't he a lovely Chuck Costello? Yes, he sure is. I'd like to have known him when he was alive And now here are Abbott and Costello with a final word Folks the contest we are running on our Saturday morning Abbott and Costello kids show now has a jackpot of over $29,000 Get out of this contest folks. We believe it is the biggest contest ever and for the greatest cause Purpose is to combat juvenile delinquency and by entering you can win a $5,000 mink coat a $5,000 aeroplane a $3,000 trailer A live baby elephant thousands of dollars worth of diamonds and loads of other big prizes totaling over $29,000 Listen Saturday morning over most of these stations. Good night, folks. Good night everybody It's an each Wednesday night at this time for another great Abbott and Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood by Charles Vanda Featuring Susan Miller and Matty Malnick's orchestra. This is Michael Roy saying goodbye until this same time next Wednesday Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this abc station