 I'm going to be speaking on one mind, or communicating like Christ in your marriage. There are three basic points to this class time. One, briefly defining biblical communication. Two, we're looking at how the gospel changes our communication in Ephesians 4 verses 25 to 32. And then three, some practical applications and homework for you. So communication is extremely important. I hate you. I hate you. You don't really care. Well, what do you have to complain about today? You shouldn't feel that way. Well, you know what? Miracles still happen. You're ready on time. You always forget what I asked you to do. We ought to have company more often. It's the only time we get good food around here. How come you get home early tonight when you don't do it other nights? Well, let's consider some alternatives to those statements. You could see that this is supposed to be an attention getter. You guys' eyes picked up with, I hate you. I love you more than life itself. I really need you. It sounds as though you had a difficult day. Is there any way I can help you? I'm sorry that you feel that way. How can I help? I'll be glad to pray for you and do anything I can. Honey, I just want you to know that I really appreciate the way you're hurried to be ready to go on time. I love the way you smile. It brightens my day. You are a delight to all my senses. I can't wait to kiss you when I come home. I can't wait to feel your arms around me as we hug. I can't wait to be home to be with you. I want to spend time with you more than anyone else. That was a super meal. You're a fantastic cook. And boy, it's really great you got home early. I really miss you during the day. So isn't that second set of quotes so much better? Well, how you communicate is very important. Let's think about what communication is. Let's define communication. It is when two parties are involved in clearly sending, humbly receiving, and correctly understanding the right message. When two parties are involved in clearly sending, humbly receiving, and correctly understanding the right message. It's not just verbal. It can come with your volume. It can come with your tone. Or it can come with your tone. It comes with your facial expressions. Or it comes with your facial expressions. It comes with hand gestures. It comes with sighing or sighing. It comes with body posture. When you lay back as if you're listening and your head's nodding, or you lean forward on the table, maybe your hands folded, showing by your posture you're intently listening. So communication has a lot more to do than just verbal. It's body language, how you speak, your tone. There's also different levels to communication. Hey, what's up? Cliché the weather. I heard somebody say once talking about the weather is like conversational grease. You don't know what to talk about anything else. You just talk about the weather. They're like, ah, because it's something everybody has in common. They're like, ah, how about that rain? It's cold outside, isn't it? You know, you do that with a stranger. It's just a cliche, casual sort of level of communication. And then there's another level that's more informational. How was your day? What happened today? And then there's a more emotional level. Well, how did you feel about what happened today? Did it bother you? You're understanding how the person felt. You see, you usually don't go to that level with something like a co-worker or a stranger. And then there's another level where you're talking about your relationship with the Lord. So cliche, casual, then emotional level. And then something deep about your relationship with the Lord. Why you do what you do. So let's look at Amos 3.3. In the book of Amos, in chapter 3, the prophets begin to speak about the judgment of God that's coming. And he says, hear this word from the Lord, chapter 3 verse 1. Hear this word that the Lord has spoken against you, children of Israel, against the whole family which I brought up from the land of Egypt saying, You only have I known of all the families of the earth, therefore I will punish you for all your iniquities. So the prophets begin to explain the wrath and the judgment that's going to come. And he's going to say a number of proverbial phrases that everybody knows are true. Starting in verse 3. Can two walk together unless they're agreed? Obviously no. Will a lion roar in the forest when he has no prey? Obviously no. Will a young lion cry out in his den if he has caught nothing? Obviously no. Will a bird fall into a snare on the earth where there's no trap for it? Obviously not. Will a snare spring up from the earth? This trap spring up from the earth if it's caught nothing at all? No, traps don't spring by themselves. If a trumpet's blown in the city will not the people be afraid? Of course they'll be afraid. If there's calamity in the city will not the Lord have done it? You see it's building up all these obvious, obvious, obvious statements to say, Well when judgment comes it comes from the Lord. Well my point here is one of the obvious statements that is can two walk together unless they agree? So let it be an obvious statement to you. That can two walk together in a marriage unless they agree? And how can they agree unless they communicate well together? You must communicate well together. There's some markers of bad communication. When you have not been communicating well, listen to these. They were revealing to me. When issues remain un-clarified between you, you're not communicating well. When wrong ideas are uncorrected, communication's part of your problem. When conflicts and misunderstandings are unresolved, communication's an issue. Confusion and disorder occur when wise decision making is thwarted. Communication is a problem. When the development of your deep unity and relational intimacy is hindered, communication is a problem. Boredom, discontentment, frustration develop in your relationship, communication is part of the issue. Interpersonal problems pile up and barriers become higher between the two of you. Communication is your problem. Temptation to look for someone else to tell about your day, to communicate with, to talk to. Communication is part of your problem. When you don't really get to know each other and you grow distant from one another, communication is part of your problem. When you don't receive spiritual help from one another, you're not communicating the way God has planned you to. This is kind of like the symptoms when I say, okay, if you got the spots, have you got the itchy around the back of the neck? Have you got the cough, the scratchy throat? I'm diagnosing the problem. So do you have some of these issues? Or when you have some of these issues, then no, communication is a great part of your problem. So as you listen today about this teaching about communication, know that there's going to be different ways people have trouble with this. A lot of guys, they don't want to communicate. They're lazy about it. Are you lazy about your communication? A lot of ladies are emotional about it. They maybe will say things they shouldn't. Or maybe the guy will say things he shouldn't. And your communication, the way you communicate is a problem. So if you're sitting back thinking you're apathetic to this, times to wake up and see the effect that it will have on your marriage if men, if you don't actively lead in this, actively lead and communicate, leading the communication time with your wife. And ladies, do you humbly submit with the right attitude to that time? Okay, so there's the introduction and the defining of communication. Let's look at Ephesians 4. And we're going to see how the gospel changes our communication. This is the heart of the lesson. In Ephesians, we want to remember the overflow of the book. We want to remember that the argument of the book and it lends weight is what gives you the heart to communicate like Christ. I don't want to come and teach you some moral lessons that the Bible says without teaching you the reason why you have these morals. Otherwise, a Muslim could come and teach you about communication. A Mormon could come and teach you about communication. What's the difference between this lecture about communication and some other false religion? It's the gospel. The gospel makes it so that you want to communicate and you want to communicate the way that Christ wants you to. So remember with me the flow of the book of Ephesians and it will create the desire in every redeemed heart to want to communicate the way Christ commands us to. In chapter one, we see the purpose for which God made the world. Blessed be the God and Father of the Lord Jesus Christ who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ. We see the Father at work, the Son at work and the Spirit at work calling before the foundation of the world calling who would be saved and that you could be included in that selection, in that remnant of grace is an amazing thing. I remember a guy was talking about the lottery yesterday and as a Christian you think you've already won so much more than the lottery to be in the redeemed what grace upon grace and that God is at work before time and that you little you get to be included in that great story. And in chapter one goes on in verses 15 to 23 to explain about what hope, what inheritance, what power we get to be included in in the blessing of salvation. Chapter two verses one to ten remember not only is this an eternal work that God has in mind but he has you in mind who were dead in your trespasses and sins. Think about how majestic and sovereign he is and then yet how wicked you have been that he would include you in this salvation that you while you were dead in your trespasses and sins he made you alive. And you remember the grace and the faith that he gave you and how that was not of yourself but it was a gift of God. And then chapter two recalls you to remember in verses 11 to 22 about how God has made us together one people whether Jew or Gentile that together were made one people of God in the church and how there you used to be a stranger to the covenants you were not most of us were not Jewish we're not part of all the promises that God gets to give to his people but he grafts you in into his tree. What a blessing and this is how he forms the church and you get to be part of it. And then chapter three verses one to 13 Paul says and this mystery this amazing gospel I get to preach and this amazing gospel you get to preach you who are the least among the saints you get to preach the marvelous amazing mystery of Christ. And in chapter three verses 14 to 21 Paul has a prayer that you would understand the people would understand what is the width and the length and the depth and the height to know the love of Christ. What a beautiful amazing gospel we get to be involved in. This should change your heart to want to communicate well and the way Christ communicates. In chapters four he begins to open up about how we're to apply this in verses one to six unity in the church in verses seven to sixteen about how we've been gifted for the purpose of serving one another and then in verses 17 to 24 he explains about how we are to put off the old man and put on the new. You see in verses 17 this I say therefore and testify in the Lord that you should no longer walk as the rest of the Gentiles walk in the futility of their mind having their understanding darkened being alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them because of the blindness of their heart who being past feeling have given themselves over to lewdness to work all in cleanliness with greediness but you have not so learned Christ if indeed you have heard him and have been taught by him as the truth is in Jesus that you put off concerning your former conduct the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts and be renewed in the spirit of your mind that you put on the new man which was created according to God in true righteousness and holiness so where to put off the old man and put on the new man because of the grace of God in our lives because of the wonderful salvation and how you were dead in sins and may alive you should be motivated to continue to go on repenting to go on growing in the Lord so what is those practical things well in great part this next text has a lot about communication let's read it together verses 25 to 32 therefore putting away in line let each of you speak truth with his neighbor for we are members of one another be angry and do not sin do not let the sun go down on your wrath nor give place to the devil let him who stole steal no longer but rather let him labor working with his hands what is good they may have something to give him who has need let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth but what is good for necessary edification that it may impart grace to the hearers and do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor and evil speaking be put away from you with all malice and be kind to one another tender hearted, forgiving one another even as God in Christ forgave you so if you look in your conference folder I have a little block set up there of put off, put on and why let's look at these and think about the application in your marriage there certainly, these principles are to be given with anybody to be applied anywhere for the Christian but then how much more should they be applied in your home with your wife or with your husband so verse 25 the first and last of five things were to put off and then each one of these has put off put on and tells us why verse 25 therefore putting away lying let each of you speak truth with his neighbor for we are members of one another how important is it to tell the truth to your spouse a lot of husbands and wives are deceitful in one another and hurtful to one another sometimes the wife will go out and she'll come back and the husband will have spent the whole time on entertainment and then she asks him what did you do and he spent five minutes fixing something and he spent two hours watching the movie or whatever and he'll say well I fix this what is that but a lie when your relationship has deceit as part of it what I mean by half truths exaggerations manipulation that you exaggerate something in such a way so as to get her to do what you want her to do that's lying and manipulation and the text says it takes us to Zechariah chapter 8 verse 16 this is a quote for times sake we won't go there but it's a quote from Zechariah and it's the saying he's speaking about when he calls his people when God calls the people of Israel back to him that this will be their heart this will be their desire that they would speak truth with his neighbor well how much so should it be with you if you have tasted the grace of God if you have known the salvation that's in Christ how much more should you speak truth with your wife with your husband and the reason why he gives is because we're members of one another he's already given the picture of a body when you lie or deceive your spouse you are hurting and attacking yourself you don't see it that way you think of it as I'm achieving something good for the relationship what's the example that every lost person gives about why they can lie well if my wife comes out and she says do I look fat in this man I can't tell her the truth and so therefore it's okay if I lie haven't you heard that when you evangelize somebody there is a graciousness to speech that makes it so that you can say the truth in a right way like my wife tells me all the time I look bad in what I wear and she helps me and I'm glad for it and I need the help I'm not ashamed to say my wife dresses me some of you remember what I looked like before I was married so you're glad she does but the point is that deceitfulness will hurt yourself because you are members with one another even more in marriage let alone if you lie to somebody in the church you're members with the person in the church but all the more with your marriage don't think that you can deceive with your communication and that your relationship will not be hurt will not be destroyed from the foundation level next point of communication is I'm going to pick up the pace a little bit is verse 26 to be angry and do not sin so here this is from Psalm 4.4 and he's saying what to put off is the idea of anger marked with sin we know that anger can be without sin and here's another in a series of imperatives there's like about 10 imperatives I think in this passage so he's commanding you that when anger comes it must not be with sin so if we're to put off a sinful anger we're to put on the anger that does not let the sun go down on your wrath in other words the anger you can know if your anger is righteous or sinful in part by how long does it remain with you are you going to bed and waking up angry that's unrighteous how much should this be applied in your marriage replace that sinful anger with knowing the necessity to deal with it and what happens what's the why if verse 26 is not let the sun go down your wrath the why is because it will give opportunity to the devil the devil likes disunity among believers and he likes it among the marriages in a church and he knows the way to achieve that is to let them have a bitterness and an anger against one another and then when the opportunity to sin more comes up you'll take it and you'll take it and you'll take it and the anger will fuel more and more sin this is the crack in the door where he wants to destroy your marriage do not give him opportunity do not give him place deal with your anger in verse 28 he begins to explain let him who stole steal no longer that's what you're put off what are you to put on but laboring and working with your hands that you maybe give something to him who has need this happens even in marriages where often in marriages the finances are separate and why? because one of the spouses is stealing from the other the finances there to be together and join together one spouse maybe have been abused so much by the stealing and the buying that someone else does without control that they have to have separate finances in order to have what in order to have what they necessarily need as a family instead you're the laborer working with your hands that the purpose is that you may have something to give him who has need now it says that you may give to something to give to him who not who has agreed right we know that that it's not about whatever you want or your rights to have this possession or your rights to have that possession but instead it's about working hard so you could bless somebody else and how beautiful is this when a couple does this together giving to people who have need so back to communication in verse 29 put off corrupt words proceeding out of your mouth and instead speak what is good for necessary edification the corrupt words here is used of words that are rotten spoiled the other times this word is used in the New Testament for corrupt is with fruit or with fish that is spoiled and rotten some of you don't like the smell of new fish let alone old fish well that's the kind of words that come out of your mouth that God is commanding you that those corrupt words they can be in that vicious tone or they can be in that vicious gesture or the volume but instead you're to speak what is good and necessary what's building up for your spouse like some of those examples right from the beginning about the meal well what about the guests coming over guys the only time I get a good meal instead of complimenting building up your wife so you're to have the idea I want to communicate with her in such a way I want to communicate with him that builds him up in the faith that encourages him and what's the reason why God gives you so that you would impart grace so it would not grieve the Holy Spirit the Holy Spirit is grieved to see you argue the Holy Spirit is grieved to see you when you take those words out of anger and you have a sarcastic point to them and you say well if I say this in such a way that will sting and when you let the word fly and you like you see the hurt on their face they're like yeah you're like yes that's exactly what I wanted to achieve have you felt that have you experienced that when was the last time you experienced that maybe a better question where you gave a corrupt word for the purpose of her the purpose of tearing down that person the Holy Spirit is grieved with that the Holy Spirit who seals you who seals you for the future day of redemption the Holy Spirit the one who is in you who is the ceiling is the sign and the mark of the final judgment day that you'll be with God that one who has done that for you his partaking in your salvation the one who has saved you is grieved when you try and hurt your spouse with your words so finally the fifth point how communication is to be changed from the gospel is where to put away all bitterness wrath, anger, clamor and evil speaking be put away from you with all malice there's these six phrases a bitterness your fixed attitude of sharpness and harshness the wrath your temporary outbursts the anger the slow burning of indignation the clamor the loud yelling and quarreling I remember one couple they their neighbors would be able to hear them yell and they were professing Christians in the arguments think about if they would go over and speak to their next door neighbor about the gospel and then they hear them yelling over the fence the clamor the slander the speaking evil of a person like name calling belittling the malice is this speech designed to hinder or cause someone to suffer it's just an overall evil idea it's a summary term to say all this all this bitterness all this wrath all this anger clamor or yelling evil speaking it's evil it's malice instead would replace it what's the opposite but with a kind tenderhearted forgiving one another even as God in Christ forgave you you see the motivation you remember the parable from matthew 18 with a man who was forgiven the unforgivable debt and how he went out and couldn't forgive his fellow worker with a much smaller debt would you go out and do the same thing or should you not be tenderhearted forgiving this opposite idea where you're willing to let it go you're willing to give up your revenge give up your grudge be compassionate be easy to live with good and helpful to the other and why because of the gospel because of the gospel you're to apply this heart of communication because of how Christ loves you look at chapter 5 verses 1-2 therefore cornerstone in your communication be an imitator of God as dear children and walk in love don't just give a few statements about it walk in it live it walk in love as Christ has also loved us and given himself for us are you willing to give yourself to your spouse in communication in offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet smelling aroma look at how much it cost Christ to be offered as a sacrifice to God shouldn't you be willing to pay the price of your pride to communicate well with your spouse okay so let's think about now some practical applications from this you have you've heard us think about the definition of communication you've seen what the Bible has to say about communication now let's think about the practical application of that the way I was trying to think of a memory hook for myself to remember this so okay you gotta bring the right heart you gotta have to bring your body and you gotta bring the right the time okay for these practical applications the right heart if I'm gonna bring the right heart with my spouse that means I gotta have the gospel on my mind humble driven to the Lord and dependence upon him it means when I'm reading the Bible I am saying what do I need to learn how do I need to be corrected Lord guide me I need to know you I need to obey you I need to serve you and I can't do this when you pray you glorify God worshipping him indefinitely dependent upon him this gives you the heart you're listening to sermons and teachings and lectures in small group and Sunday school you're saying yes I want to obey that yes I want to live that the continual humble heart because of the gospel if you bring the right heart you could come home and the kids could have those diapers that explode where it runs out down the leg you know all the parents are like yes the blowout that's what it's called the blowout and there's twins with blowouts and you have been exhausted but if you've been thinking about the gospel on the way home and you're exhausted drive then you're ready to serve the way Christ served you see how it changes the heart you're ready to communicate it's the only way that communication is possible when you have a humble desire because of the gospel to please God and you're willing to admit your sin in the matter that's what happens in the gospel you're willing to admit your sin in the matter if you're willing to communicate that way willing to admit your sin in whatever matter it is that's the right heart so the right heart now the right bring your whole body into it practically when you go to communicate you got to be open and honest you got to control your temper you can't retreat into silence you can't use manipulative tears you can't use harsh words you can't be condoning sin and just saying it's not going to matter it will matter it comes back you can't be willing to condone your own sin most people are willing to ugh to condone their own sin and say I won't condone my spouse's sin but be willing and submissive to say my sin matters listen to your spouse they're going to be able to reveal your sin like nobody else and you need it be a good listener this is so important to communication be guys you got to wake up and listen be an active listener try and say back to your wife what she just said to you in other words ok that keeps you engaged because you're like I got to give the summary statement of what she just said she may talk for like 10 minutes straight and you got to summarize it so you got to keep track what did she talk about, what are the multiple points keep track of it so what you're saying is what she said in 10 seconds that's it and she'll respond yes that's what I mean you got to be an active listener if you are not a good listener that's for most people that's the hard part of communication they can talk and say what they thought and what they felt but then when it comes to the other person they're thinking about what they said did I say that right and they hear like Charlie Brown what? are you going to be an active listener you got to work hard at it this is hard work to be an active listener understand their point of view give them your undivided attention don't be interrupting try and understand it from their perspective when you listen and when you repeat back what they say try and understand how they feel, how they think and put yourself in their shoes if this is the regular practice of your day the regular practice of your life when it comes to the time of the arguments then you'll be able to be better at conflict resolution if you're regularly communicating in a good way when you come with the right body with the right attitude, with the right heart basically you're going to be avoiding emotionally charged words you're going to stop having reruns about your old arguments you'll deal with one problem at a time you'll deal with the present not the past you'll be responsible for your own emotions words, actions and reactions you'll major on the positive you'll learn the importance of nonverbal communication you'll express your thoughts and concerns to one another you'll practice the golden rule you'll have you'll hope for nothing in return that's a gospel attitude when you hope for nothing in return okay so if you bring the right heart, you have to bring your body what about the time to close the time a practical suggestion would be spending the small amount of time each day communicating about your day about how you felt about it communicating about the Word of God with them in a short time and then once a week you have those more sustained time where you have the date night where you're able to speak to your spouse for extended period of time about an important issue and you have a number of worksheets in the folder and those are meant for those extended period of times you can practically do that homework my wife and I were doing one of those where we would list out our top three interests, desires dislikes, likes and you try and write down what hers would be and then you write down your own and then you match up and see if you pass the test how well you know your wife how well you're communicating and you think well I won't learn anything new I've been married to her for so many years and then one of the categories surprises you like oh wow I failed in that category I completely missed and so I'm trying to give you some practical things that you can do on a date night to communicate together so in order to communicate hear the summary of the matter you got to understand rightly how important it is and define it rightly it's not just your words it's your many things about your life in order to communicate rightly two you have to have the gospel driven heart to communicate and finally you got to make it practical you got to employ it you have to make the time if you don't make the time then you will fall into bad communication you'll communicate one way or another you'll communicate by not making the time let's say that to your spouse that you're not important enough for me to make this time to communicate carefully and biblically with you it has an immense impact on your unity Wayne Mack is a counselor and he says this is the greatest problem he faces in marriage is that the couples don't communicate be motivated and put in the work to communicate the way Christ wants you to let's pray to communicate how better how communication should take place in our marriages we want them to be pleasing to you we don't want our communication to grieve you Holy Spirit please help us to put in the effort and the time to mark this out in our daily week and days that we would communicate lovingly compassionately with our spouses to help us with the gospel and help us Lord to never forget be motivated by your goodness and grace to us Amen