 Preface and Chapter 1 of A Comic History of the United States. This reading by Allison Hester of Athens, GA. A Comic History of the United States by Bill Nye. Facts in a nude state are not liable criminally any more than bright and beautiful children commit a felony by being born thus, but it is the solemn duty of those having these children in charge to put appropriate, helpful, and even attractive apparel upon them at the earliest possible moment. It is thus with facts. They are the framework of history, not the drapery. They are like the cold, hard, disheveled, damp, and uncomfortable body under the knife of the demonstrator, not the bright and bounding boy clothed in graceful garments and filled to every tingling capillary with a soul. We, each of us, the artist and the author, respect facts. We have never, either of us, said an unkind word regarding facts, but we believe that they should not be placed before the public exactly as they were born. We want to see them embellished and beautified. That is why this history is written. Certain facts have come into the possession of the artist and author of this book regarding the history of the republic down to the present day. We find, upon looking over the records and documents on file in the various archives of state and nation, that they are absolutely beyond question, and it is our object to give these truthfully. These rough and untidy, but impregnable truths, dressed in the sweet persuasive language of the author, influted, embossed, embroidered, and embellished by the skilful hand of the artist are now before you. History is but the record of the public and official acts of human beings. It is our object, therefore, to humanize our history and deal with people past and present, people who ate and possibly drank, people who were born, flourished, and died, not grave tragedians posing perpetually for their photographs. If we succeed in this way and administer historical truth in the smooth capsule of the cartoonist and the commentator, we are content. If not, we know whose fault it will be, but will not get mad and swear about it. Bill Nye and Fred K. B. Opera End of Preface Chapter 1 The Discovery of America It was a beautiful evening at the close of a warm, luscious day in Old Spain. It was such an evening as one would select for tristing purposes. The honeysuckle gave out the sweet announcement of its arrival on the summer breeze, and the bull-bull sang in the dark vistas of olive trees, sang of his love and his hope and of the victory he anticipated in the morrow's bull-bull fight, and the plaudits of the royal couple who would be there. The pink west paled away to the touch of twilight, and the soft zenith was sewn with stars coming like celestial fireflies on the breast of a mighty meadow. Across the dusk, with bowed head, came a woman. Her air was one of proud humility. It was the air of royalty in the presence of an overruling power. It was Isabella. She was on her way to confession. She carried a large, beautifully bound volume, containing a memorandum of her sins for the day. Ever and on, she would refer to it, but the twilight had come on so fast that she could not read it. Reaching the confessional, she kneeled, and by the aid of her notes she told off to the good father and receptacle of the queen's trifling sins, Fernando de Talavera, how wicked she had been. When it was over, and the queen had risen to go, Fernando came forth, and, with a solemn obeisance, said, May it please your majesty. I have today received a letter from my good friend, the prior of the Franciscan convent of St. Mary's of Rabita in Andluja. With your majesty's permission, I will read it to you. Proceed, exclaimed Isabella gravely, taking a piece of crochet work from her apron, and seating herself comfortably near the dim light. It is dated the sixth month and tenth day of the month, and reads as follows, Dear brother, this letter will be conveyed unto your hands by the bearer hereof. His name is Christopher Columbus, a native of Genoa, who has been living on me for two years, but he is a good man, devout, and honest. He is willing to work, but I have nothing to do in his line. Times, as you know, are dull, and in his own profession, nothing seems to be doing. He is by profession a discoverer. He has been successful in the work where he has had opportunities, and there has been no complaint so far on the part of those who have employed him. Everything he has ever discovered has remained that way, so he is willing to let his work show for itself. Should you be able to bring this to the notice of her majesty, who is tender of heart, I would be most glad. And should her most gracious majesty have any discovering to be done, or should she contemplate a change or desire to substitute another in the place of the present discoverer, she will do well to consider the qualifications of my friend. Very sincerely and fraternally thine, et cetera, et cetera. The queen inquired still further regarding Columbus, and, taking the letter, asked Talavera to send him to the royal sitting room at ten o'clock the following day. When Columbus arose the next morning, he found a note from the royal confessor, and, without waiting for breakfast, for he had almost overcome the habit of eating, he reversed his cups, and, taking a fresh handkerchief from his valise and putting it in his pocket, so that the corners would coily stick out a little, he was soon on his way to the palace. He carried also a small globe wrapped up in a newspaper. The interview was encouraging, until the matter of money necessary for the trip was touched upon. His majesty was called in and spoke sadly of the public surplus. He said that there were one hundred dollars still due on his own salary, and the palace had not been painted for eight years. He had taken orders on the shore till he was tired of it. Our meat bill, said he, taking off his crown and mashing a hornet on the wall, is sixty days overdue. We owe the Hyatt girl for three weeks, and how are we going to get funds enough to do any discovering, when you remember that we have got to pay for an extra session this fall, for the purpose of making money plenty. But Isabella came and sat by him in her winning way, and with the moistened corner of her handkerchief, removed a spot of maple syrup from the ermine trimming of his reigning gown. She padded his hand, and with her gentle voice, cheered him and told him that if he would economize and go without cigars or wine, in less than two hundred years, he would have saved enough to fit Columbus out. A few weeks later, he had saved one hundred and fifty dollars in this way. The queen then went at twilight and palmed a large breast pin, and although her chest was very sensitive to cold, she went without it all the following winter, in order that Columbus might discover America before immigration set in here. Too much cannot be said of the heroism of Queen Isabella and the courage of her convictions. A man would have said, under such circumstances, that there would be no sense in discovering a place that was not popular. Why discover a place when it is so far out of the way? Why discover a country with no improvements? Why discover a country that is so far from the railroad? Why discover, at great expense, an entirely new country? But Isabella did not stop to listen to these croaks. In the language of the honorable Jeremiah M. Rusk, quote, she seen her duty and she done it. That was Isabella's style. Columbus now began to select steamer chairs and drugs. He had already secured the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria, and on the 3rd of August, 1492, he sailed from Palos. Isabella brought him a large bunch of beautiful flowers as he was about to sail, and Ferdinand gave him a nice yachting cap and a spicy French novel to read on the road. He was given a commission as viceroy or governor of all the lands he might discover with hunting and shooting privileges on same. He stopped several weeks at the Canary Islands, where he and his 120 men rested and got fresh water. He then set out sailing due west over an unknown sea to blaze the way for liberty. Soon, however, his men began to murmur. They began also to pick on Columbus and occupy his steamer chair when he wanted to use it himself. They got to making chalk marks on the deck and compelling him to pay a shilling before he could cross them. Some claimed that they were lost and that they had been sailing around for over a week in a circle, one man stating that he recognized the spot in the sea that they had passed eight times already. Finally, they mutinied and started to throw the great navigator overboard, but he told them that if they would wait until the next morning, he would tell them a highly amusing story that he had heard just before he left Palos. Thus his life was saved, for early in the morning the cry of Len Ho was heard and America was discovered. A saloon was at once started and the first step thus taken towards the foundation of a republic. From that one little timid saloon with its family entrance has sprung the magnificent and majestic machine which lubricated with spoils and driven by wind gives to every American today the right to live under a government selected for him by men who make that their business. Columbus discovered America several times after the 12th of October 1492 and finally, while prowling about looking for more islands, discovered South America near the mouth of the Orinoco. He was succeeded as governor by Francisco de Bulbadilla who sent him back finally in chains. Thus we see that the great are not always happy. There is no doubt that millions of people every year avoid many discomforts by remaining in obscurity. The life of Columbus has been written by hundreds of men both in this country and abroad, but the foregoing facts are distilled from this great biographical mass by skillful hands and like the succeeding pages will stand for centuries unshaken by the bombardment of the critic while succeeding years shall try them with frost and thaw and the tide of time dash high against their massive front only to recede quelled and defeated. End of chapter one. Chapters two and three of a comic history of the United States. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org. This reading by Allison Hester of Athens, Georgia. A comic history of the United States by Bill Nye. Chapter 2 Other Discoveries Wet and Dry America had many other discoverers besides Columbus, but he seems to have made more satisfactory arrangements with the historians than any of the others. He had genius and was also a married man. He was a good after-dinner speaker and was the first to use the egg trick which so many after-dinner speakers have since wished they had thought of it before Columbus did. In falsifying the logbook in order to make his sailors believe that they had not sailed so far as they had, Columbus did a wrong act, unworthy of his high notions regarding the pious discovery of this land. The artist has shown here not only one of the most fateful portraits of Columbus and his crooked logbook, but the punishment which he should have received. The man on the left is Columbus. History is concealed just around the corner in a loose wrapper. Spain at this time regarded the new land as a vast jewelry store in charge of simple children of the forest who did not know the value of their rich agricultural lands or gold-ribbed farms. Spain, therefore, expected to exchange bone-collar buttons with the children of the forest for opals as large as lima beans and to trade fiery liquids to them for large gold bricks. The Montezuma's were compelled every little while to pay a freight bill for the Spanish confidence man. Ponce de Leon had started out in search of the hot springs of Arkansas and in 1512 came in sight of Florida. He was not successful in his attempt to find the fountain of youth and returned an old man so deaf that in the language of the Hoosier poet referring to his grandfather, quote, so remarkably deaf was my grandfather squeers that he had to wear lightning rods over his ears to even hear thunder and oftentimes then he was forced to request it to thunder again, end quote. Balboa crossed the Isthmus of Darien and rolling up his pantalettes waited into the Pacific Ocean and discovered it in the name of Spain. It was one of the largest and wettest discoveries ever made and though this occurred over three centuries ago, Spain is still poor. Balboa, in discovering the Pacific, did so according to the Spanish custom of discovery vis by waiting into it with his naked sword in one hand and the banner of Castile, sometimes called Castile's Hope, in the other. He and his followers waited out so as to discover all they could and were surprised to discover what is now called the undertow. The artist has shown the great discoverer most truthfully as he appeared after he had discovered and filed on the ocean. No one can look upon this picture for a moment and confuse Balboa, the discoverer of the Pacific with Copp Elias, who first discovered in the mountains of North Carolina what is now known as moonshine whiskey. De Narváez in 1528 undertook to conquer Florida with 300 hands. He also pulled considerable grass in his search for gold. Finally he got to the Gulf and was wrecked. They were all related mostly to Narváez and for two weeks they lived on their relatives but later struck shore, four of them and lived more on a vegetable diet after that till they struck the Pacific Ocean which now belongs to Spain. De Soto also undertook the conquest of Florida after this and took 600 men with him for the purpose. They wandered through the Gulf states to the Mississippi, enduring much and often forced to occupy the same room at night. De Soto in 1541 discovered the Mississippi River, thus adding to the moisture collection of Spain. After trying to mortgage his discovery to eastern capitalists he died and was buried in the quiet bosom of the great father of waters. Thus once more the list of fatalities was added to and the hunger for gold was made to contribute a discovery. Menendez later on founded in 1565 the colony of St. Augustine the oldest town in the United States. There are other towns that look older but it is on account of dissipation. New York looks older but it is because she always sat up later of nights than St. Augustine did. Cortez was one of the coarsest men who visited this country. He did not marry any wealthy American girls for their wood nun but he did everything else that was wrong and his unpaid laundry bills are still found all over the Spanish-speaking countries. He was especially lawless and cruel to the Peruvians, quote, recognizing the Peruvian at once by his bark, end quote. He would treat him with great indignity instead of using other things which he had with him. Cortez had a way of capturing the most popular man in a city and then he would call on the taxpayers to redeem him on the installment plan. Most everybody hated Cortez and when he held religious services the neighbors did not attend. The religious efforts made by Cortez were not successful. He killed a great many people but converted but few. The historian desires at this time to speak briefly of the methods of Cortez from a commercial standpoint. Will the reader be good enough to cast his eye on the Cortez securities as shown in the picture drawn from memory by an artist yet a perfect gentleman? Notice the bonds numbers 18 and 27. Do you notice the listening attitude of number 18? He is listening to the accumulating interest. Note the aged and haggard look of number 27. He has just begun to notice he is maturing. Cast your eye on the prone form of number 31. He has just fallen due and in doing so has hurt his crazy bone. Be good enough to study the gold bearing bond behind the sea. See the look of anguish. Someone has cut off a coupon probably. Cortez was that kind of man. He would clip the ear of an Inca and make him scream with pain so that his friends would come in and redeem him. Once the bank examiner came to examine the Cortez bank he imparted a pleasing flavor on the following day to the soup. Spain owned at the close of the 16th century the West Indies, the Yucatan, Mexico, and Florida besides unlimited water facilities and the Peruvian preserves. North Carolina was discovered by the French navigator Verrazani 30 years later than Cabot did but as Cabot did not record his claim at the courthouse in Wilmington the Frenchman jumped the claim in 1524 and the property remained about the same till again discovered by George W. Vanderbilt in the latter part of the present century. Montreal was discovered in 1535 by Cartier also a Frenchman. Ribot discovered South Carolina and left 30 men to hold it. They were at that time the only white men from Mexico to the North Pole and a keen businessman could have bought the whole thing Indians and all for a good team and a jug of nepenthe. But why repine? The jesuit missionaries about the middle of the 17th century pushed their way to the north Mississippi and salt to convert the Indians. The jesuits deserve great credit for their patience endurance and industry but they were shocked to find the Indian averse to work. They also advanced slowly in church work and would often avoid early mass that they might catch a mess of trout or violate the game law by killing a Dakota in May. Father Marquette discovered the upper Mississippi not far from a large piece of suburban property owned by the author north of Minneapolis. The ground has not been disturbed since discovered by Father Marquette. The English also discovered America from time to time the Cabot's finding Labrador while endeavoring to go to Asia via the north and Fropisher discovered Bath and Bay in 1576 while on a like mission. The Spanish discovered the water mostly and England the ice belonging to North America. Sir Francis Drake also discovered the Pacific Ocean and afterwards sailed an English ship on its waters discovering Oregon. Sir Walter Riley with the endorsement of his half brother Sir Humphrey Gilbert regarding the idea of colonization of America and being a great friend of Queen Elizabeth got out a patent on Virginia. He planted a colony and a patch of tobacco on Roanoke Island but the colonists did not care for agriculture preferring to hunt for golden pearls. In this way they soon ran out of food and were constantly harassed by Indians. It was an odd sight to witness a colonist coming home after a long hard day hunting for pearls as he asked his wife if she would be good enough to pull an arrow out of some place which he could not reach himself. Riley spent two hundred thousand dollars in his efforts to colonize Virginia and then disgusted divided up his patent and sold county rights to it at a pound apiece. This was in 1589. Riley learned the use of smoking tobacco at this time. He was astonished when he first tried it and threatened to change his boarding place or take his meals out but soon enjoyed it and before he had been home a week Queen Elizabeth thought it to be an excellent thing for her house plants. It is now extensively used in the best narcotic circles. Several other efforts were made by the English to establish colonies in this country but the Indians thought that these English people bathed too much and invited perspiration between baths. One can see readily that the Englishmen with his portable bathtub has been a flag of defiance from the earliest discoveries till this day. This chapter brings us to the time when settlements were made as follows. The French at Port Royale, 1605. The English at Jamestown, 1607. The French at Quebec, 1608. The Dutch at New York, 1613. The English at Plymouth, 1620. The author's thanks are due to the following books of reference which added to his retentive memory have made the foregoing statements accurate yet pleasing. A Summer in England with H.W. Beecher by J.B. Reed Russell's Digest of the Laws of Minnesota with Pricelist of Members Outdoor and Bug Life in America by Shablaini, Chief of the Umatiyah. Why I am an Indian by S. Bull with Notes by Old Bull and Introduction by John Bull. End of Chapter 2. Chapter 3. The 13 Original Colonies. This chapter is given up almost wholly to facts. It deals largely with the beginning of the 13 original colonies from which sprang the Republic, the operation of which now gives so many thousands of men indoor employment four years at a time, thus relieving the penitentiaries and throwing more kindergarten statesmen to the front. It was during this epoch that the Cavaliers landed in Virginia and the Puritans in Massachusetts. The latter lived on maple sugar and armed prayer while the former saluted his cow and, with bared head, milked her with his hat in one hand and his life in the other. Immigration now began to increase along the coast. The Mayflower began to bring over vast quantities of antique furniture, mostly hall clocks for future sales, hanging them on spars and masts during rough weather easily accounts for the fact that none of them have ever been known to go. The Puritans now began to barter with the Indians, swapping square black bottles of liquid hell for farms in Massachusetts and additions to log towns. Dried apples and schools began to make their appearance. The low retreating forehead of the codfish began to be seen at stores and virtue began to break out among the Indians after death. Virginia, however, deserves mention here on the start. This colony was poorly prepared to tote wood and sleep out of doors as the people were all gents by birth. They had no families but came to Virginia to obtain fortunes and return to the city of New York in September. The climate was unhealthy and before the first autumn says Sir William Cronk, for whom I quote, ye greater number of them hate perished of a great misery in the side and for lack of food, for at that time the cross between the wild hyena and the common hog of the holy land and since called the razorback hog had not been made and so many of the courtiers died." End quote. John Smith saved the colony. He was one of the best Smiths that ever came to this country which is as large an encomium as a man cares to travel with. He would have saved the life of Pocahontas, an Indian girl who also belonged to the gentry of their tribe, but she saw it once that it would be a point for her to save him. So after a month's rehearsal with her father as villain, with Smiths part taken by a chunk of blue gum wood, they succeeded in getting this little curtain razor to perfection. Pocahontas was afterwards married, if the author's memory does not fail him, to John Rolf. Pocahontas was not beautiful, but many good people sprang from her. She never touched them. Her husband sprang from her also just in time. The way she jumped from a clay-eating crowd into the bosom of the English aristocracy by this dramatic ruse was worthy of a greater recognition than merely the figure among the makers of smoking tobacco with fancy wrappers when she never had a fancy wrapper in her life. Smith was captured once by the Indians and instead of telling them that he was by birth a gent, he gave them a course of lectures on the use of the compass and how to learn where one is at. Thus, one after another, the Indians went away. I often wonder why the lecture is not used more as a means of escape from hostile people. By writing a letter and getting a reply to it, he made another hit. He now became a great man among the Indians, and to kill a dog and fail to invite Smith to the symposium was considered as vulgar as it is now to rest the Arctic overshoe on the corner of the dining table while buckling or unbuckling it. Afterward, Smith fell into the hands of a Powhatan, the croaker of his time, and narrowly saved his life, as we have seen through the intervention of Pocahontas. Smith was now required in England to preside at a dinner given by the Savage Club and to tell a few stories of life in the far west. While he was gone, the settlement became a prey to disease and famine. Some were killed by the Indians while returning from their club at evening. Some became pirates. The colony decreased from 490 to 60 people, and at last it was moved and seconded that they do now adjourn. They started away from Jamestown without a tear, or hardly anything else, having experienced a very dull time there, funerals being the only relaxation whatever. But moving down the bay, they met Lord Delaware, the new governor with a lot of Christmas presents and groceries. Jamestown was once more saved, though property still continued low. The company, by the terms of its new charter, became a self-governing institution, and London was only too tickled to get out of the responsibility. It is said that the only genuine humor up to that time, heard in London, was spent on the jays of Jamestown and the Virginia Colony. Where is that laughter now? Where are the jibs made at that sad time? They are gone. All over that little republic, so begun in sorrow and travail, there came in after years the dimples and the smiles of the prosperous child who would one day rise in the lap of the mother country and, asserting its rides by means of Patrick O'Fall and Henry, and others, place a large and disagreeable firecracker under the nose of royalty, that, busting the awful stillness, should jar the empires of earth and blow the unblown noses of future kings and princes. Footnote, this is taken bodily from a speech made by me, July 4, 1777, when I was young. The author. End of footnote. Pocahontas was married in 1613. She was baptized the day before. Whoever thought of that was a bright and thoughtful thinker. She stood the wear and tear of civilization for three years, and then died, leaving an infant son who has since grown up. The colony now prospered. All free men had the right to vote. Religious toleration was enjoyed first rate. And there being no negro slavery, Virginia bade fair to be the Republic of the Continent. But in 1619, the captain of a Dutch trading vessel sold to the colonists twenty negroes. The negroes were mostly married people, and in some instances, children were born to them. This peculiarity still shows itself among the negroes, and now all over the south, one hardly crosses a county without seeing a negro or a person with negro blood in his or her veins. After the death of Powhatan, the friend of the English, an organized attempt was made by the Indians to exterminate the white people and charge more for water frontage the next time any colonists came. March 22, 1622 was the day set, and many of the Indians were eating at the tables of those they had sworn to kill. It was a solemn moment. The surprise was to take place between the cold beans and the chili sauce. But a converted Indian told quite a number, and as the cold beans were passed, the effect of some arsenic that had been eaten with the slim neck clams began to be seen, and before the beans had gone halfway round the board, the children of the forest were seen to excuse themselves, and thus avoid dying in the house. Yet there were over three hundred and fifty white people massacred, and there followed another, reducing the colonists from four thousand to two thousand five hundred. Then a massacre of five hundred and so on, a sickening record of death and horror. Even worse, before a great nation could get a foothold in this wild and savage land, even a toehold, as I may say, in the sands of time. July 30th, 1619. The first sprout of freedom poked its head from the soil of Jamestown when Governor Yardley stated that the colony, quote, should have a handle in governing itself, end quote. He then called at Jamestown the first legislative body ever assembled in America. Most of the members were of, boarded at the planter's house during the session. This body could pass laws, but they must be ratified by the company in England. The orders from London were not binding, unless ratified by this colonial assembly. This was a mutual arrangement, reminding one of the fearful, yet mutual apprehension spoken of by the poet when he says, quote, Jim Darling didn't know but his father was dead, and his father didn't know but Jim Darling was dead, end quote. The colony now began to prosper. Men held their hands in sovereignty, and taxes were low. The railroad had not then brought in new styles and clothing and made people unhappy by creating jealousy. Settlements joined each other along the James for 140 miles, and the colonists first demonstrated how easily they could get along without the New York papers. Tobacco began to be a very valuable crop, and at one time even the streets were used for its cultivation. Tobacco now proceeded to become a curse to the civilized world. In 1624, King James, fearing that the infant colony would go democratic, appointed a rump governor. The oppression of the English parliament now began to be felt. The colonists were obliged to ship their products to England and to use only English vessels. The assembly, largely royalists, refused to go out when their terms of office expired, paid themselves at the rate of about $36 per day, as money is now, and in fact, acted like members of the legislature generally. In 1676, 100 years before the colonies declared themselves free and independent, a rebellion under the management of a bright young attorney named Bacon visited Jamestown and burned the American metropolis, after which Governor Berkeley was driven out. Bacon died just as his rebellion was beginning to pay and the people dispersed. Berkeley then took control and killed so many rebels that Mrs. Berkeley had to do her own work. And Berkeley, who had no one left to help him but his friends, had to stack his own grain that fall and do the chores at the barn. Jamestown is now no more. It was succeeded in 1885 by Jamestown, North Dakota, now called Jimtown, a prosperous place in the rich farming lands of that state. Jamestown the first, the scene of so many sorrows and little jealousies, so many midnight Indian attacks and bilious attacks by day became a solemn ruin and a few shattered tombstones over which the Jimson weed and the wild vines clamber show to the curious traveler the place where civilization first sought to establish itself on the James River, USA. End of Chapter 3 Chapters 4 and 5 of a comic history of the United States. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. This reading by Allison Hester of Athens, Georgia. Comic History of the United States by Bill Nye. Chapter 4 The Plymouth Colony In the fall of 1620 the pilgrims landed at Plymouth during a disagreeable storm and noting the excellent opportunity for future misery began to erect a number of rude cabins. This party consisted of 102 people of a resolute character who wished to worship God in a more extemporaneous manner than had been the custom in the Church of England. They found that the Indians of Cape Cod were not ritualistic and that they were willing to dispose of inside lots at Plymouth on reasonable terms, retaining however the right to use the land for massacre purposes from time to time. The pilgrims were honest and gave the Indians something for their land in almost every instance but they put a price upon it which has made the Indian ever since a comparatively poor man. Half of this devoted band died before spring and yet the idea of returning to England did not occur to them. No, they exclaimed, we will not go back to London until we can go first class if we have to stay here two hundred years. During the winter they discovered why the lands had been sold to them so low. The Indians of one tribe had died there of a pestilence the year before and so when the pilgrims began to talk trade they did not haggle over prices. In the early spring however they were surprised to hear the word welcome proceeding from the doormat of Samasat, an Indian whose chief was named Massasoit. A treaty was then made for fifty years Massasoit taking the same. Kanoikus once sent to Governor Bradford a bundle of arrows tied up in a rattlesnake skin. The governor put them away in the pantry with his other curios and sent Kanoikus a few bright new bullets and a little dose of powder. That closed the correspondence. In those days there were no newspapers and most of the fighting was done without a guarantee or side bets. Money matters however were rather panicky at the time and the people were kept busy digging claims to sustain life in order to raise Indian corn enough to give them sufficient strength to pull clams enough the following winter to get them through till the next corn crop should give them strength to dig for clams again. Thus a trip to England and the Isle of Wight looked farther and farther away. After four years they numbered only 184 counting immigration and all. The colony only needed however more people and eastern capital. It would be well to pause here and remember the annoyances connected with life as a forefather. Possibly the reader has considered the matter already. Imagine how nervous one may be waiting in the hall and watching with a keen glance for the approach of the physician who is to announce that one is a forefather. The immature forefather of 1620 must have felt proud yet anxious about the clam yield also as each new mouth opened on the prospect. Speaking of clams it is said by some of the forefathers that the Cape Cod menu did not go beyond codfish and croquettes until the beginning of the 17th century when pie was added by active legislature. Clams are not so restless if eaten without the brisket which is said to lie hard on the stomach. Salem and Charlestown were started by Governor Indicott and Boston was founded in 1630. To these various towns the Puritans flocked and even now one may be seen in ghostly garments on Thanksgiving Eve, flitting here and there turning off the gas and the parlor while the family are at tea in order to cut down expenses. Plymouth and Massachusetts Bay colonies were united in 1692. Roger Williams, a bright young divine, was the first to interfere with the belief that magistrates had the right to punish Sabbathbreakers, blasphemers, etc. He was also the first to utter the idea that a man's own conscience must be his own guide and not that of another. Among the Puritans there were several who had enlarged consciences and who desired to take in extra work for others who had no consciences and were busy in the fields. They were always ready to give 16 ounces to the pound and were honest but they got very little rest on Sunday because they had to watch the Sabbathbreaker all the time. The method of punishment for some offenses is given here in the following illustrations. Does the man look cheerful? No, no one looks cheerful. Even the little boys looks sad. It is said that the Puritans knocked what fun there was out of the Indian. Did anyone ever see an Indian smile since the landing of the pilgrims? Roger Williams was too liberal to be kindly received by the clergy and so he was driven out of the settlement. Finding that the Indians were less rigid and kept open on Sundays, he took refuge among them 1636 and before spring had gained 18 pounds and converted Canonicus, one of the hardest cases in New England and the first man to sit up till after 10 o'clock at night. Canonicus gave Roger the tract of land on which Providence now stands. Mrs. Anne Hutchinson gave the pilgrims trouble also. Having claimed some special revelations and attempted to make a few remarks regarding them, she was banished. Banishment, which meant a homeless life and a wild land with no one but the Indians to associate with in those days was especially annoying to a good Christian woman and yet it had its good points. It offered a little religious freedom, which could not be had among those who wanted it so much. They braved the billow and the wild beast, the savage, the drought, the flood and the potato bug to obtain it before anybody else got a chance at it. Freedom is a good thing. Twenty years later the Quakers shocked everyone by thinking a few religious thoughts on their own hooks. The colonists executed four of them and before that tortured them at a great rate. During dull times and on rainy days it was a question among the Puritans whether they would banish an old lady, bore holes with a red hot iron through a Quaker's tongue or pitch horseshoes. In 1643 the United Colonies of England was the name of a league formed by the people for protection against the Indians. King Philip's War followed. Massa Soit was during his lifetime a friend to the poor whites of Plymouth as Powhatan had been of those of Jamestown, but these two great chiefs were succeeded by a low set of Indians who showed as little refinement as one could well imagine. Some of the sufferings of the pilgrims at the time are depicted on the preceding pages by the artist, also a few they escaped. Looking over the lives of our forefathers who came from England I am not surprised that with all the English people who have recently come to this country I have never seen a forefather. End of Chapter 4 The Plymouth Colony Chapter 5 Drawbacks of Being a Colonist It was at this period in the history of our country that the colonists found themselves not only banished from all civilization but compelled to fight an armed foe whose trade was war and whose music was the dying wail of a tortured enemy. Unhampered by the exhausting efforts of industry, the Indian, trained by centuries of war upon adjoining tribes, felt himself footloose and free to shoot the unprotected forefather from behind the very stump fence his victim had worked so hard to erect. King Philip, a demonetized sovereign, organized his red troops and, carrying no-havarsacks, knapsacks, or artillery, fell upon the colonists and killed them, only to reappear at some remote point while the dead and wounded who fell at the first point were being buried or cared for by rude physicians. What an era in the history of a country. Gentle women whose homes had been in the peaceful hamlets of England lived and died in the face of a cruel foe, yet prepared the cloth and clothing for their families, fed them, and taught them to look to God in all times of trouble, to be prayerful in their daily lives, yet vigilant and ready to deal death to the general enemy. They were the mothers whose sons and grandsons laid the huge foundations of a great nation and cemented them with their blood. At this time there was a line of battle 300 miles in length. On one side the white man went armed to the field or the prayer meeting, shooting an Indian on site as he would a panther. On the other a foe whose wife did the chores and hoed the scattering crops while he made war and extermination his joy by night and his prayer and lifelong purpose by day. Finally, however, the victory came sluggishly to the brave and deserving. 1,000 Indians were killed at one pop and their wigwams were burned. All their furniture and curios were burned in their wigwams and some of their valuable dogs were holocaustin. King Philip was shot by a follower as he was looking under the throne for something and peace was for the time declared. About 1684 the colony of Massachusetts, which had dared to open up a trade with the West Indies using its own vessels for that purpose, was hauled over the coals by the mother country for violation of the Navigation Act and an officer sent over to enforce the latter. The colonists defied him and when he was speaking to them publicly in a tone of reprimand he got an ovation in the way of eggs and codfish, both of which had been set aside for that purpose when the country was new and therefore had an air of antiquity which cannot be successfully imitated. As a result, the colony was made a royal appendage and Sir Edmund Andros, a political hack under James II, was made governor of New England. He reigned under great difficulties for three years and then suddenly found himself in jail. The jail was so arranged that he could not get out and so the Puritans now quietly resumed their old form of government. This continued also for three years when Sir William Phipps became the governor under the crown with 120 pounds per annum and house rent. From this on to the revolution, Massachusetts, Maine and Nova Scotia became a royal province. Nova Scotia is that way yet and has to go to Boston for her groceries. The year 1692 is noted mostly for the Salem excitement regarding witchcraft. The children of Reverend M. Paris were attacked with some peculiar disease which would not yield to the soothing blisters and bleeding administered by the physicians of the old school. And so, not knowing exactly what to do about it, the doctors concluded that they were bewitched. Then it was, of course, the duty of the courts and select men to hunt up the witches. This was naturally difficult. Fifty-five persons were tortured and twenty were hanged for being witches, which proves that the people of Salem were fully abreast of the Indians in intelligence and that their gospel privileges had not given their charity and Christian love such a boom as they should have done. One can hardly be found now, even in Salem, who believes in witchcraft, though the Cape Cod people, it is said, still spit on their bait. The belief in witchcraft those days was not confined by any means to the colonists. Sir Matthew Hale of England, one of the most enlightened judges of the mother country, condemned a number of people for the offense and is now engaged in doing roadwork on the streets of New Jerusalem as a punishment for these acts done while on the wool sack. Blackstone himself, one of the dullest authors ever read by the writer of these lines, yet a skilled jurist with a marvelous memory regarding Justinian said that to deny witchcraft was to deny revelation. Be you a witch? asked one of the judges of Massachusetts, according to the records now on file in the State House at Boston. Know your honor? was the reply. Officer said the court, taking a pinch of snuff, take her out on the tennis grounds and pull out her toenails with a pair of hot pinchers and then see what she says. It was quite common to examine lady witches in the regular court and then adjourn to the tennis court. A great many were docked by order of the court and hanged up by the thumbs, in obedience to the customs of these people who came to America because they were persecuted. Human nature is the same even to this day. The writer grew up with an Irishman who believed that when a man got wealthy enough to keep a carriage and coachman he ought to be assassinated and all his goods given to the poor. He now hires a coachman himself having succeeded in New York City as a policeman. But the man who comes to assassinate him will find it almost impossible to obtain an audience with him. If you wish to educate a man to be a successful oppressor, with a genius for introducing new horrors and novelties in pain, oppress him early in life and don't give him any reason for doing so. The idea that God is love was not popular in those days. The early settlers were so stern even with their own children that if the Indian had not given the forefather something to attract his attention the boy-crop would have been very light. Even now the philosopher is led to ask regarding the boasted freedom of America why some measures are not taken to put large flyscreens over it. End of Chapter 5 Drawbacks of Being a Colonist Chapters 6 and 7 of a comic history of the United States This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. This reading by Allison Hester of Athens, Georgia. A Comic History of the United States by Bill Nye. Chapter 6 The Episode of the Charter Oak The colonies of Maine and New Hampshire were so closely associated with that of Massachusetts that their history up to 1820 was practically the same. Shortly after the landing of the pilgrims, say two years or thereabouts, Gorgias and Mason obtained from England the grant of a large tract lying between the Merrimack and the Kennebec rivers. This patent was afterwards dissolved, Mason taking what is now New Hampshire and Gorgias taking Maine. He afterwards sold the state to Massachusetts for $6,000. The growth of the state may be noticed since that time, for one county cost more than that last November. In 1820, Maine was separated from Massachusetts. Maine is noted for being the eastern most state in the union and has been utilized by a number of eminent men as a birthplace. White birch spools for thread, Christmas trees, and tamarack and spruce gum are found in great abundance. It is the home of an industrious and peace-loving people. Bar Harbor is a cool place to go in the summertime and violate the liquor law of the state. The Dutch were the first to claim Connecticut. They built a trading post at Hartford where they swapped bone-collar buttons with the Indians for beaver and otter skins. Traders from Plymouth who went up the river were threatened by the Dutch, but they pressed on and established a post at Windsor. In 1635, John Steele led a company out west to Hartford and Thomas Hooker, a clergyman, followed with his congregation, driving their stock before them. Hartford thus had quite a boom quite early in the 17th century. The Dutch were driven out of the Connecticut Valley and began to look towards New York. Soon after this, the Pequod War broke out. These Indians had hoped to form an alliance with the Narragansets, but Roger Williams prevented this by seeing the Narragansett chief personally. Thus the Puritans had coals of fire heaped on their heads by their gentle pastor, until the odor of burning hair could be detected as far away as New Haven. The Pequods were thus compelled to fight alone, and Captain Mason surrounded their camp before daylight and entered the palisades with the Indian picket who cried out, Awanux, Awanux, meaning Englishman, Englishman. Mason and his men killed these Pequods and burned their lodges to the ground. There has never been a prosperous Pequod lodge since. Those who escaped to the forest were shot down like jackrabbits as they fled, and there has been no Pequodding done since that time. The New Haven colony was founded in 1638 by wealthy church members from abroad. They took the Bible as their standard and statute. They had no other law. Only church members could vote, which was different from the arrangements in New York City in after years. The Connecticut colony had a regular constitution said to have been the first written constitution ever adopted by the people, framed for the people by the people. It was at once prosperous, and soon bought out the Sabre colony. In 1662, a royal charter was obtained which united the two above colonies and guaranteed to the people the rights agreed upon by them. It amounted to a duly authenticated independence. A quarter of a century afterwards, Governor Andros, in his other clothes, and a raining coat of red and gold trimmings, marched into the assembly and demanded this precious charter. A long debate ensued, and, according to tradition, while the members of the assembly stood around the table, taking a farewell look at the charter, one of the largest members of the house fell on the governor's breast, and wept so copiously on his shirt frill that harsh words were used by his excellency. A general quarrel ensued, the lights went out, and when they were relighted, the charter was gone. Captain Wadsworth had taken it and concealed it in a hollow tree, since called the Charter Oak. And after Andros was ejected from the Boston office, the charter was brought out again, and business under it was resumed. Important documents, however, should not be, as a general thing, secreted in trees. The author once tried this, while young, and when engaged to, or hoping to become engaged to, a dear one whose Paul was a singularly coarse man, and who hated a young man who came as a lover at his daughter's feet, with nothing but a good education and his great big manly heart. He wanted a son-in-law with a brewery, and so he bribed the boys of the neighborhood to break up the secret correspondence between the two young people and bring the male to him. This was the cause of many a heartache, and finally the marriage of the sweet young lady to a brewer who was mortgaged so deeply that he wandered off somewhere and never returned. Years afterwards, the brewery needed repairs, and one of the large vats was found to contain all of the missing man that would not assimilate with the beer, his watch. Quite a number of people at that time quit the use of beer, and the author gave his hand in marriage to a wealthy young lady who was attracted by his gallantry and fresh young beauty. Roger Williams now settled at Providence Plantation, where he was joined by Mrs. Hutchinson, who also believed that the church and state should not be united, but that the state should protect the church and that neither should undertake to boss the other. It was also held that religious qualifications should not be required of political aspirants, also that no man should be required to whittle his soul into a shape to fit the religious auger-hole of another. This was the beginning of Rhode Island. She desired at once to join the New England colony, but was refused, as she had no charter. Plymouth claimed also to have jurisdiction over Rhode Island. This was very much like Plymouth. Having banished Roger Williams and Mrs. Hutchinson to be skinned by the Pequots and Narragansetts over at Narragansett Pier, they went on about their business, flogging Quakers, also ducking old women who had Lumbago and burning other women who would not answer affirmatively when asked, be you a witch. Then, when Roger began to make improvements and draw the attention of eastern capital to Rhode Island and to organize a state or colony with a charter, Plymouth said, Hold on, Roger. Religiously, we have cast you out to live on wild strawberries, clams, and Indians. But from a mercantile and political point of view, you will please notice that we have a string which you will notice is attached to your wages and discoveries. Afterwards, however, Roger Williams obtained the necessary funds from admiring friends with which to go to England and obtain a charter which united the colonies, yet gave to all the first official right to liberty of conscience ever granted in Europe or America. Prior to that, a man's conscience had a brass collar on it with the royal arms engraved thereon and was kept picketed out in the king's grounds. The owner could go and look at it on Sundays, but he never had the use of it. With the advent of freedom of political opinion, the individual use of the conscience has become popularized, and the time is coming when it will grow to a great size under our wise institutions and fostering skies. Instead of turning over our consciences to the safety deposit company of a great political party or religious organization and taking the key in our pocket, let us have individual charge of this useful little instrument and be able finally to answer for its growth or decay. End of Chapter 6 The Episode of the Charter Oak Chapter 7 The Discovery of New York The author will now refer to the discovery of the Hudson River and the town of New York via Fort Lee and the 125th Street Ferry. New York was afterwards sold for $24, the whole island. When I think of this, I go into my family gallery, which I also use as a swear room, and tell those ancestors of mine what I think of them. Where were they when New York was sold for $24? Were they having their portraits painted by Lanseer or their deposition taken by Jeffries or having their little Lord Fauntleroy clothes made? Do not discourage them to believe that they will escape me in future years. Some of them died un-regenerate and are now, I'm told, in a country where they may possibly be damned, and I will attend to the others personally. $24 for New York? Why? My Croton water tax on one house and lot, with 50 feet four and one fourth inches front. It's $59 and no questions asked. Why, you can't get a voter for that now. Henry, or Hendrick, Hudson, was an English navigator of whose birth and early history nothing is known definitely. Hence, his name is never mentioned in many of the best homes in New York. In 1607, he made a voyage in search of the Northwest Passage. In one of his voyages, he discovered Cape Cod, and later on the Hudson River. This was 117 years after Columbus discovered America, which shows that the discovering business was not pushed as it should have been by those who had it in charge. Hudson went up the river as far as Albany, but finding no one there whom he knew, he hastened back as far as 209th Street West and anchored. He discovered Hudson Bay in Hudson Strait and made other journeys by water, though a quadding was then in its infancy. Afterwards, his sailors became mutinous, and set Hendrick and his son with seven infirm sailors afloat. Ah, whom have we here? It is Hendrick Hudson who discovered the Hudson River. Here, he has just landed at the foot of 209th Street, New York, where he offered the Indians liquor, but they refused. How 209th Street has changed? The artist has been fortunate in getting the expression of the Indians in the act of refusing. Mr. Hudson's great reputation lies in the fact that he discovered the river which bears his name, but the thinking mind will at once regard the discovery of an Indian who does not drink as far more wonderful. Some historians say that this special delegation was swept away afterward by a pestilence, whilst others commenting on the incident maintained that Hudson lied. It is the only historical question regarding America not fully settled by this book. Nothing more was heard of him till he turned up in a thinking part in Van Winkle. Many claims regarding the discovery of various parts of the United States had been previously made. The Cabots had discovered Labrador, the Spaniards, the southern part of the United States. The Norsemen had discovered Minneapolis and Columbus had discovered St. Salvador and gone home to meet a 90-day note due in Palos for the use of the pinta which he had hired by the hour. But we're speaking of the discovery of New York. About this time, a solitary horseman might have been seen at West 209th Street clothed in a little brief authority and looking out to the West as he petulantly spoke in the Tamini dialect, then in the language of the blank verse Indian. He began, another day of anxiety has passed and yet we have not been discovered. The Great Spirit tells me in the thunder of the surf and the roaring cataract of the Harlem that within a week we will be discovered for the first time. As he stands there, aboard of his horse, one sees that he is a chief in every respect and in life's great drama would naturally occupy the middle of the stage. It was at this moment that Hudson slipped down the river from Albany, passed Fort Lee, and dropping a nickel in the slot at 125th Street, weighed his anchor at that place. As soon as he had landed and discovered the city, he was approached by the chief who said, We Gates, I am one of the committee to show you our little town. I suppose you have a power of attorney, of course, for discovering us. Yes, said Hudson, as Columbus used to say when he discovered Saint Salvador, I do it by the right vested in me by my sovereigns. That oversized my pile by a sovereign and a half, says one of the natives. And so, if you have not heard it, there is a good thing for one of your dinner speeches here. Very good, said the chief, as they jogged downtown on a swift Sixth Avenue elevated train towards the wigwams on 14th Street and going at the rate of four miles an hour. We do not care especially who discovers us so long as we hold control of the city organization. How about that, Hank? That will be satisfactory, said Mr. Hudson, taking a package of imported cheese and eating it so that they could have the car to themselves. We will take the departments such as police, street cleaning, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, while you and Columbus get your pictures on the currency and have your graves must up on anniversaries. We get the two moment horses and the country chateau on the Bronx, Sabay? That is, you do not care whose portrait is on the currency, said Hudson, so you get the currency, said the man. That is the sense of the meeting. Thus was New York discovered via Albany and Fort Lee and five minutes after the two touched glasses, the brim of the scoping and the Manhattan cocktail tinkled together and New York was inaugurated. Obtaining a gentle and philanthropical gentleman who knew too well the city by gas light, they saw the town so thoroughly that nearly every building in the morning wore a bright red sign which read, Beware of Paint. Regarding the question as to who has the right to claim the priority of discovery of New York, I unite with one of the ablest historians now living in stating that I do not know. Here and there throughout the work of all great historians who are frank and honest, chapter after chapter of information like this will burst forth upon the eye of the surprised and delighted reader. Society at the time of the discovery of the blank verse Indian of America was crude. Hudson's arrival, of course, among older citizens soon called out those who desired its acquaintance, but he noticed that club life was not what it has since become, especially Indian club life. He found a nation whose regular job was war and whose religion was the ever present prayer that they might eat the heart of their enemy plane. The Indian high school and young ladies seminary captured by Columbus as shown in the pictures of his arrival at home and his presentation to the royal pair one hundred and seventeen years before this it is said brought a royal flush to the face of King Ferdy who had been well brought up. This can be readily understood when we remember that the Indian war at court, a court plaster, a parlor lampshade in stormy weather made of long grass or a sur-single up-front teeth. They were shown also in all these paintings as graceful and beautiful in figure, but in those days when the Pocahontas girls went barefoot till the age of eighty-nine years chewed tobacco kept lint all winter and then ate a brace of middle-aged men for Easter, the figure must have been affected by this irregularity of meals. Unless the Pocahontas of the present day has fallen off sadly in her carriage in beauty to be saved from death by her as Smith was and feel that she therefore had a claim on him must have given one nervous prostration, parisus and insomnia. The Indian and the white race never really united or amalgamated outside of Canada. The Indian has always held a loop from us and even as late as sitting bull's time that noted Calvary officer said to the author that the white people who simply came over in the Mayflower could not marry into his family on that ground. He wanted to know why they had to come over in the Mayflower. We were here, said the aged warrior as he stole a bacon rind which I used for lubricating my saw and ate it thoughtfully. We were here and helped Adam round up and brand his animals. We are an old family and never did manual labor. We are just as poor and proud and indolent as those who are of noble blood. We know we are of noble blood because we have to take sassaparilla all the time. We claim to come by direct descent from Job of whom the inspired writer says old Job he was a fine young lad sing glory hallelujah his heart was good but his blood was bad sing glory hallelujah and of chapter seven chapters eight and nine of a comic history of the united states this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org this reading by Allison Hester of Athens Georgia a comic history of the united states by Bill Nye chapter eight the dutch at new amsterdam soon after the discovery of the Hudson dutch ships began to visit that region to traffic in furs with the indians some huts were erected by these traders on manhattan island in 1613 and a trading post was established in 1615 relics of these times are frequently turned up yet on broadway while putting in new pipes or taking out old pipes or repairing other pipes or laying plans for yet other pipes or looking in the earth to see that the original pipes have not been taken away afterwards the west india company obtained a grant of new netherland and new amsterdam was fairly started in 1626 minuet the first governor arrived and as we have stated purchased the entire city of new york of the indians for twenty four dollars then trouble sprang up between the dutch and the swedes on the Delaware over the possession of manhattan and when the two tribes got to conversing with each other over their rights using the mother tongue on both sides it reminded one of the chicago wheat market when business is good the english on the connecticut also saw that manhattan was going to boom as soon as the indians could be got farther west and that property would be high there peter stuyvesant was the last dutch governor of new york he was a relative of mine he disliked the english very much they annoyed him with their democratic ideas and made his life a perfect hell to him he would be sorry to see the way our folks have since begun to imitate the english i can almost see him rising in his grave to note how the stuyvesants in full cry pursue the affrighted anise seed bag or with their coaching outfits go tooling along cross country stopping at the ends on the way and unlimbering their portable bathtubs to check them with the clark pete you did well to die early you would not have been happy here now while governor stuyvesant was in hot water with the english the swedes and the indians a fleet anchored in the harbor and demanded the surrender of the place in the name of the duke of york who wished to use it for a game preserve after a hot fight with his council some of whom were willing then even to submit to english rule and hoped that the fleet might have two or three suits of tweed which by mistake were a fit and therefore useless to the owners and that they might succeed in swapping furs for these the governor yielded and in 1664 new york became a british possession named as above the english governors however were not popular they were mostly political hacks who were pests at home and banished to new york where the noise of the streets soon drove them to drink for nine years this sort of thing went on until one day a dutch fleet anchored near the statin island brewery and in the evening took the town however in the year following peace was restored between england and holland and new amsterdam became new york again also subject to the tamini rule andros was governor for a time but was a sort of pompous tom tit with a short breath and a large aquiline opinion of himself he was one of the arrogant old pie plants whose growth was fostered by the beetle bellied administration at home he went back on board the city of rome one day and did not return new york had a gleam of hope for civil freedom under the rule of the duke of york and the county democracy but when the duke became james the second he was just like other people who get a raise of salary and refuse to be privately entertained by the self-made ancestry of the american he was proud and arrogant to a degree he forbade legislation and stopped his paper new york was at this time annexed to the new england colony and began keeping the Sabbath so vigorously that the angels had great difficulty in getting at it nickle son who was the lieutenant tool of iniquity for andros fled with him when democracy got too hot for them captain leisler supported by steve brody and everything south of the Harlem but bitterly opposed by the aristocracy who were distinguished by their ability to use new goods and making their children's clothes whereas the democracy had to make vests for the boys from the cast off trousers of their fathers govern the province until governor slaughter arrived slaughter was another imported smear case and official life and arrested leisler at the request of an aristocrat who drove a pair of bangtale horses up and down nasaul street on pleasant afternoons and was afterwards collector of the port having arrested leisler for treason the governor was a little timid about executing him for he had never really killed a man in his life and he hated the sight of blood so leisler's enemies got the governor to take dinner with them and mixed his rum so that when he got ready to speak his remarks were somewhat heterogeneous and before he went home he had signed a warrant for leisler's immediate execution when he awoke in the morning at his beautiful home on whitehall street the sun was gaily glinting the choppy waves of buttermilk channel and by his watch which had run down he saw that it was one o'clock but whether it was one o'clock a.m. or p.m. he did not know nor whether it was next saturday or tuesday before last oh how he must have felt his room was dark the gas having gone out to get better air he attempted to rise but a chill a throb a groan and back he lay hastily on the bed just as it was on the point of escaping him suddenly a thought came to him it was not a great thought but it was such a thought as comes to those who have been thoughtless he called for a black amour slave from abroad who did chores for him and ordered a bottle of cooking brandy then some club soda he had brought from london with him next he drank a celery glass of it and after that he felt better and he then drank another keep out of the way of this bed julius he said it's coming around that way again step to one side julius please and let the bed walk around and stretch its legs i never saw a bed spread itself so he continued seeming to enjoy his own lancashere humor all night i seemed to feel a great pain creeping over me julius he said hesitatingly again feeling his celery glass but i see now that it was a counter pain 80 years after that slaughter was a corpse we should learn from this not to be too hasty and selecting our birthplaces had he been born in america he might have been alive yet from this on the struggles of the people up to the time of the revolution were enough to mortify the reader almost to death i will not go over them again it was the history of all the other colonies poor proud with large masses of children clustering about and indians lurking in the outbuildings the mother country was negligent and even cruel her political off-scourings were sent to rule the people the cranberry crops soured on the vines and times were very scarce it was during this period that captain william kidd a new york ship master and anti snapper from mulberry street was sent out to overtake and punish a few of the innumerable pirates who then infested the high seas studying first the character life and public services of the immoral pirate and being perfectly footloose his wife having eloped with her family physician he determined to take a little whirl at the business himself hoping thereby to escape the noise and heat of new york and obtain a livelihood while life lasted which would maintain him the remainder of his days unless death overtook him dropping off at boston one day to secure a supply of tobacco he was captured while watching the vast number of streetcars on washington street he was taken to england where he was tried and ultimately hanged his sudden and sickening death did much to discourage an american youth of great brilliancy who had up to 1868 intended to be a pirate but who stumbling across the life and times of captain kidd and his awful death changed his whole course and became one of the ableist historians of the age in which he lived this should teach us to read the papers instead of loaning them to people who do not subscribe end of chapter eight chapter nine settlement of the middle states the present state of new jersey was a part of new netherland and the dutch had a trading post at bergen as early as 1618 after new netherland passed into the hands of the dutch the duke of york gave the land lying between the hudson and the delaware to lord berkeley and sir george catarat for christmas the first permanent english settlement made in the state was at elizabeth town named so in honor of sir george's first wife berkeley sold his part to some english quakers this part was called west jersey he claimed that it was too far from town it was very hard for a lord to clear up land and berkeley missed his evenings at the savage club and his nose yearned for a good whiff of real old rotten row fog so many disputes arose regarding the title to jersey that the whole thing finally reverted to the crown in 1702 when there was any trouble over titles in those days it was always settled by letting it revert to the crown it has been some years now however since that has happened in this country 36 years later new jersey was set apart as a separate royal province and became a railroad terminus and bathing place delaware was settled by the swedes at wilmington first and called new sweden i am surprised that the norsemen who it is claimed made the first and least expensive summer at newport rhod island should not have clung to it they could have made a good investment and in a few years would have been strong enough to wipe out the brooklyn police the swedes too had a good foothold in new york jersey and delaware also a start in pennsylvania but the two nations seemed to yearn for home and as soon as boats began to run regularly to stock home in christiana they returned in later years they discovered minneapolis and still water william penn now loomed up on the horizon he was an english quaker who had been expelled from oxford and jugged in quark also for his religious beliefs he was the son of admiral sir william penn and had a good record he believed that elecutionary prayer was unnecessary and that the acoustics of heaven were such that the vilest center with a no voice culture could be heard in the remotest portion of the gallery the only thing that has been said against penn with any sort of semblance of truth was that he had some influence with james the second the duke of york also stood in with penn and used to go about in england bailing william out whenever he was jailed on account of his religious belief penn was quite a writer he was the author of no cross no crown innocencey with her open face and the great cause of liberty conscience from his father he had inherited a claim against the government for sixteen thousand pounds probably a rears of pension he finally received the state of pennsylvania as payment of the claim the western boundary took in the cliff house and seal of rocks from san francisco penn came to america in sixteen eighty two and bought his land over again from the indians it is not strange that he got the best terms he could out of the indians but still it is claimed that they were satisfied therefore he did not cheat them the indian as will be noticed by reading these pages thoughtfully was never a napoleon of finance he is that way down to the present day if you watch him carefully and notice his ways you can dicker with him to better advantage than you can with russell sage take the indian just before breakfast after two or three nights of debauchery and offer him a jug of absinthe with a horned toad in it for his pony and saddle and you will get them even in his more sober and thoughtful moments you can swap a suit of red medicated flannels with him for a farm penn gathered about him many different kinds of people with various sorts and shades of belief some were free will and some were hard shell some were high church and reminded one of a masonic lodge working at 32 degrees while others were low church and admitting crossing themselves frequently while putting down a new carpet into chancel but he was too well known at court and suspected of knowledge of and participation in some of the questionable acts of king james so that after the latter's dethronement and an intimation that penn had communicated with the exiled monarch penn was deprived of his title to pennsylvania for which he had twice paid penn was a constant sufferer at the hands of his associates who sought to injure him in every way he rounded out a life of suffering by marrying the second time in 1695 in 1708 he was on the verge of bankruptcy owing to the villainy and mismanagement of his agent and was thrown into fleet street prison a jail in which he had never before been confined his health gave way afterwards and this remarkable man died july 30th 1718 philadelphia was founded in 1683 and work begun on a beautiful building known as the city hall work has steadily progressed on this building from time to time since then and at this writing it is so near completion as to give the promise of being one of the most perfect architectural jobs ever done by the hand of man in two years philadelphia had sprung from a wilderness where the rank thistle knotted in the wind to a town of over 2000 people exclusive of indians not taxed in three years it had gained more than new york had in 50 years this was due to the fact that people who came to philadelphia had nothing to fear but the indians while settlers in new york had not only the indians to defend themselves against but the police also pen and his followers established the great law that no one who believed in almighty god should be molested in his religious belief even the indians liked pen and when knights were cold they would come and crawl into his bed and sleep with him all night and not kill him at all the great chief of the tribes even did not feel above this and the two used frequently to lie and talk for hours pen doing the talking and the chief doing the lying it is said that with all the indian massacres and long wars between the red man and the white no drop of quaker blood was ever shed i quote this from an historian who was much older than i and with whom i do not wish to have any controversy after pen's death his heirs ran the colony up to 1779 when they disposed of it for five hundred thousand dollars or thereabouts and the state became the proprietor the 17th century must have been a very disagreeable period for people who professed religion for america from newfoundland to florida was dotted with little settlements almost entirely made up of people who had escaped from england to secure religious freedom at the risk of their lives in 1634 the first settlement was made by young lord baltimore whose people the catholics were fleeing from england to obtain freedom to worship god as they believed to be right thus the catholics were added to the list of religious refugees the huganots the puritans the walons the quakers the presbyterians the wigs and the menthol healers terra marie or maryland was granted to lord baltimore as the successor of his father who had begun before his death the movement for settling his people in america the charter gave to all free men a voice in making the laws among the first laws passed was one giving to every human being upon payment of poll tax the right to worship freely according to the dictates of his own conscience america thus became the refuge for those who had any peculiarity of religious belief until today no doubt more varieties of religion may be found here than almost anywhere else in the world in 1635 the virginia colony and lord baltimore had some words over the boundaries between the jamestown and the maryland colonies clayborne was the jamestown man who made the most trouble he had started a couple of town sites on the maryland tract plotted them and sold lots to yorkshire tender feet and so when lord baltimore claimed the lands clayborne attacked him and there was a running skirmish for several years to let last the rebellion collapsed in 1645 and clayborne fled the protestants now held the best hand and out voted the catholics so up to 1691 there was a never dying fight between the two which must have been entertaining to the unregenerate outsider who was taxed to pay for a double set of legislators this fight between the catholics and the protestants shows that intolerance is not confined to a monarchy in 1715 the fourth lord baltimore recovered the government by the aid of the police and religious toleration was restored maryland remained under this system of government until the revolution which will be referred to later on in the most thrilling set of original pictures and word paintings that the reader has ever met with end of chapter nine