 Drugs are cool. I should say that but you don't do you do you do the good one you do the fun ones you do coke you do No, I know I I got scared. I got scared too young. I overdosed when I was 19. Really? Yeah So when you on what I took a bunch of GHB drank a bunch Ecstasy like all together in one night and it was really the amount of GHB and the booze Which was like you weren't supposed to mix them ever and I just ended up in a coma. So When you when you have that early, yeah, it's and I could see the path I was on because I was trying thing I was in college and coke would have been a natural Thing but it's too it's too terrifying like I was too scared by that I thought you were gonna say Len bias then bias was my dog. Yeah, I mean One of your road dogs like I that did it for me. I've done co I've literally done this once and I did a bump The night after my Comedy Central you did our because I just was like well it'd be funny if I died If I do this bump and I die that's funny. You really committed. Yeah, like I did and I did one line And I was like, I don't even know why this is famous. I don't know why I've heard of this drug That's shit that people are like They're like stay away from it and they're they're saying that it helps you They're selling it like as a workout supplement to create is it? Oh Kray Tom. Yeah. Yeah That gives you like this in certain doses. It gives you like this euphoric kind of like Yeah thing, but people are using it sometimes to get off of opiates. Yes. I I used to eat it I used to take I took the liquid form of it And I was like I feel great and the people are like BK a lot of people were like warning me to be careful. I Don't know. I never I was taking it every Four days you trust Donated drugs yeah, okay. I get thrown stuff given stuff never okay, but do you give somebody and they do it? Yeah, great. Yeah, there's always someone to stand up. Who's like, yeah, fine. Yeah, I don't give it. Yeah, yeah You know when like everything's going wrong in a day and you just hit that point that you're like What the fuck is this? Yeah. It was that I was like, okay. Yeah, what are you fucking? Yeah, thank God oxy cotton wasn't invented until 1990 fucking seven would you are you a substance? Oh my god Yeah, I quit drinking 10 years ago But I still smoke weed and I've started to get a little better handle on that But I was like once Michelle got killed I was like, oh, so I'm just gonna get fucked up all day every day And that's just what I did that became my personality smoking weed before school smoking weed during school smoking weed after school Drinking and then mushrooms just like everything just started getting fucked up as I was getting as fucked up as I could From 16 to 29 just like yeah, we get fucked up all day. Oh, I loved it Loved it was good at it. I mean I got the family history fun It was a blast Talked to anybody that got used to get fucked up with me. They're like I was I was a I was a real good time Never got mad Would always just be joking laughing. It numbed everything. Yeah, it's spending money Is it expensive? Oh, yeah to booze especially in New York when you moved to New York You know, you're like, oh, I'd have bar tabs that were like I'd be by myself dropping a hundred and fifteen hundred and thirty dollars Just getting fucked up shots and beers to start at what time Whenever whatever would kick it off if someone be like, yeah, you want to meet here and you're like, yeah I'm gonna be a little late. I'm gonna give beer next door and then I get a beer and be like, well I don't want this. I already were late. Yeah now we're in it And then it would just be like and I was good at it. I was like really good at getting fucked up meaning you weren't I wouldn't get Sloppy I wouldn't go up. I wouldn't get mad. I wouldn't start fights. I was just really good at same sense of humor Same sense of humor joke around do voices. I would I would like show my god I would it was so much fun. It's guys the total package. It was it was I would put on stand-up that I liked I would like find Obscure sets from people like I would find like oh if you seen Chappelle's second Def Jam and like put it on or like I would find like a Dana like you ever watched Dana Carvey's critics choice and like this bit right here Hicks You know like I would find random stuff because I loved stand-up. I believe Dave's second Def Jam He's wearing a sweater. I believe so his first one is the one with the pizza delivering pizzas in DC for Domino's And I still love that joke. I used to deliver pizzas for Domino's One of you motherfuckers is gonna tip you had good bits in high school crazy. He had a bit Here's a bit. He had in high school Alf remember Alf. Yeah, it's a good thing Alf didn't land in my neighborhood Yeah, because two weeks later you would have seen dudes wearing Alf skin coats. That's so funny in a high school I mean, yeah, that's like those jokes where you're like god damn like okay. Yeah, you just wrote that as a child Yeah, like all right, it's like Stevie Wonder when he wrote when he's 16 years old Genius, yeah, I'm just gonna stop. Um, yeah, okay, and I love I mean that's the thing I love about Stan I think like You know stand-up was the thing that I just loved and I was like oh I could just watch this and obsess about it It's funny like what you were the thing that you were experiencing where you're like Abandoning yourself. Mm-hmm. You're getting abandoned. Mm-hmm. Therefore you think well, I should abandon myself But you're mad at Yourself and them. Yeah, and it's like a perfect way to write Stan. Yeah, I suck But so right but like now I have a few things I'd like to say yeah before You fucking the the letter to the message to the firing squad yeah, and I wrote I remember like when I did My first cone and I had some jokes about my mom dating those five of my mom started dating some guy would come over I'd be like cool a new roommate Don't touch my stuff Like called her and I was like I do these jokes about you dating and I kind of like Yeah, I kind of make you look like a little bit of a whore But it's like funny and my mom and I was like I just Just want to let you know and she was like that's hilarious. She's like hey if I put you through it Right jokes. Yeah, she was like without her being as supportive as she was like once she because once my sister died My mom was like, what am I gonna tell you? She's yeah, like you're an adult like you've beat Once I was 16. I was like smoking cigarettes at home I'd get high in the garage like there was no like there was no like ah damn, you know She was like I had a job. It just became like a little adult Yeah, I would like help out around the house. I'm picturing you weren't a Name like a dance. Yeah sewn in I go, hi, I'm Dan. I'm the son. What can I do for you? All right. Well, that's a lot. That's a bunch of things Were you people pleasing so that people wouldn't die or abandon you? Yeah, people wouldn't if I was nice to you you wouldn't leave if I gave you stuff you wouldn't leave Yeah, you know, I mean, so you're probably buying drinks all the time. Yeah, let me go Yeah, I'd buy weed you want fucking smoke you'd buy what buy an eighth, you know I'm gonna fucking let's roll up give people like a to-go bag. Oh, you want to know here you go I was totally my personality when I was younger like oh, yeah. Yeah, cool. Yeah, and you never thought I'm getting I'm Playing myself not so I was older when that kicked in that kind of tapped into the anger So you're like, what the fuck am I doing? Why the fuck I started resenting that and then it was like Yanis Papis was like you Need to go to therapy The fact that you are not in therapy is a danger to people around you and I started going to therapy and I was like Oh, you were snapping at people because you really no one's making you people, please. Yeah, it was me So I started then you kind of your brain tells you they're making you Well, they're not making you my mom tried to get me in therapy when I was young when I was like 10 because I started getting like a little violent towards people my mom was like we should Probably put him in therapy didn't work didn't take who told you which therapist said you could be angry Different therapist don't want to have as an adult. Oh, so you weren't angry. No, I'm so you were 30 something mid-20s late 20s but I Remember going to therapy with this guy Tom and I just was like yeah, how are we gonna get through this so I can go home? I was like and I want to go home and watch cartoons. I don't want to talk to you You dork Gonna come in the office. You got a sweater vest on fucking dork get out of my face It was like that kind of energy and then when my sister died I was entered into a trial to do actually you talked about this with Josh. Homie the EMDR EMDR. Yeah at Denver University. They were trying it and I was a trial when I was 16, but I Was super fucked up all yeah So it didn't work, but they did the with the lights. Yeah, they tried to like oh you processed a lot of trauma recently We're gonna try to we got fresh trauma. We got fresh Fresh catch, but they didn't know that I was smoking a blunt in my car Yeah in the in the parking lot and then coming in being like yeah, she didn't want to date me and they're like We want to talk about your sister dying. I was like, I don't know that's stupid Yeah, but I thought that she's gay. So yeah, it's not being you fucking lame So it really became like when I was older. I finally got a therapist. That was like you want to work on this stuff And I was like, yeah, I think I need to and then it's been 12 years and I could tell you my life has improved 200% it's a lot. Yeah, it's a lot. It's like those are sales numbers 200% those are like 100% is complete That's how you get up. You're going to do you're getting a promotion. Yeah, 200% year-over-year And I was always in trouble. I did drugs at an early age and that's how I survived what I did Wow, yeah Weed math LSD all that shit 1112 in that time period and where did you do math? Oh, there was a kid that was skateboarding by my house and he flipped a skateboard over and he was he Blinded math. That's about that. I just walked across street. I went can I I didn't know what it was It's funny. I knew like I whatever if that's gonna make me feel better different than I am now I want to do it and then I was sneaking to my dad's Liquor cabinet and also his he was such an alcoholic. He would have a refrigerator in the garage. Oh my dad had that Yeah, and I just for beer just for beer. Yep, your dad had that. Yep. Yeah, and so my mom was like with stock it and so I could just drink as much beer as I wanted and no one would know yeah, and When did you realize like why is this like does the fuck I can't be huh? Yeah, that's what I do You should watch my Netflix. They're pretty deep And would you try to relate to other kids like well you we're all gonna get fucked up and they'd be like What are you talking about? I found the crew. Okay, you find a crew and then it's like My crew is weird because I want to name names, but um, there was some homosexual badly going on Homosexual why? Homosexual battle it now. Oh, how do you say homosexual? Tell me more. What do you mean? Yeah, and then you would get drunk at a party and then like a friend of yours would go He comes up my dick behind his bush. And do you think they were gay or they were just weird at like at that age where it's like Yeah, maybe I don't know maybe not only they're gay now, right, but it was still like it seemed rapey Yeah, well then if you know what I say if it seemed rapey, it's rapey. Yeah. Yeah, but it was like But I said also I was there was so much going on that back then that it was like it was just another thing Also, do you remember childhood as all terror? Well, it was mostly terror, but there was like, you know, um moments of Relief Yeah, and there was moments of levity and there was moments of like my dad would feel so guilty like let's go Disneyland Oh, so he did feel guilty. Yeah, so we'd be like, oh, we're at Disneyland is cool, right? But then he would get drunk and then you know, I mean go hog wild again, you know So it's like he felt guilty and it's so funny because when I graduated from high school Because he would you know when I got on that TV. He was on sketches. I Didn't know. Oh, yeah, like he didn't sketch with me and Ike Bernholz Yeah in a bathtub and my dad had lines and everything did that was he your dad was he like Yeah, yeah, we would do sketches like, you know, Ike visits my parents house for Thanksgiving, you know I mean and my actual parents would be in the scene That's why it was wild and my dad was everyone would love them. Yeah, you got so cool He was so cool when I graduated from high school. Oh, like he was he changed so dramatically That's fun. So you think the stress of having kids was like too much for him. No, I think what happened was One day when I was 16 years old My dad used to take golf clubs and beat through and just hit my legs with that as hard as he could And I remember I was on the wrestling team in high school and I was so so loaded You know, I mean that one day he would he put the of the golf club and I went, you know what? I'm gonna pick up a couple of two and We're gonna go and we went at it like I see the same size you around that point. I was too smaller Right go time and I hit him once in the ribs with a fucking nine iron like yeah Yeah, like Tiger Wood style it almost broke his ribs and he dropped how did it not yet? He dropped his fucking golf club and just went into the room. He never touched me again. Fuck. I wish I had that moment But you never had that because I had golf clubs That you should I I didn't know I didn't know that we could use him against her dad That would I had so many golf clubs. Yeah, and it never occurred to me that I could You can't you can fuck. Yeah, why didn't you because you thought that the consequences would be too severe Yeah, it was the idea of hitting my dad is like was impossible. Do you hit you? Yeah? Yeah You're my brother one time one of my brothers through him. This is like the kind of guy my dad was He like went into my brother's room. My brother's probably 18 or 20 and like tried to start a fight and my brother Peter threw my dad into a closet Like through the door onto the ground and then my dad goes picking on an old man, huh? Which is like oh, that's fucking bullshit. You fucking weirdo you started the fight Yeah, yeah, and then it's like this weird gas lady thing of picking on old man Yeah, yeah So I think that got in my head because I and then I was like well now I can't hit him with a golf Now I have to just play golf. Well, you can't randomly hit him one day like breakfast I mean, but if he's attacking you then you pick up the golf club Yeah, I would just never got to Wow You were in California in Minnesota when this happened minutes. No, California then well, it feels like a California move It's a California move. Yeah. Yeah. It's not a Minnesota move. No midwest ice pick Yeah Skates skate. Yeah. Yeah. That's very interesting and But luckily I got sober early How early I was a junior in high school. What made you go to the treatment centers Oh, I got kicked out of school and I was like not and I was just doing so much math and and and and weed and I People are gonna think I'm crazy. I've heard a lot of good things about math. It's the best. Yeah, that's what I've heard I had a girlfriend who had done math and she was like my teeth But never looked better and all you do is fuck. Yeah, you can't come though. That's a problem. Oh my god Because I was so young and I wasn't half-hucking then but I would jerk off like crazy and you couldn't come It would take me three hours. Yeah. Yeah, my dick. My dick would bleed literally. Yeah. Yeah, yeah But um, eventually you'd get there. Yeah, but but it would come out as powder, right? And then you'd snort that Yeah, yeah So that's funny So then my senior year I would go to a meetings out in la Jolla and then when I graduated graduated from high school I um I just moved to la Jolla and I lived two blocks from the comedy store Yeah, so that's how the comedy thing started when you're getting kicked out of schools and like authorities are going and cops and like we're Do you think This is a normal life or do you know like this is falling apart? I don't really understand it. Let's just see what happens No, the goal was death I did not want to live Because I would go to this cliff by my level there's like a little cliff and I would stand there For days and go should I jump should I jump? I mean, I want I didn't want to be here And what were the thoughts like? Let's just do it. This is the day I do it do it And I don't know it was just I think the fear of the pain Right, right and then what if it because it wasn't that high of a thing I think probably would have broken the leg. Yeah, right and there was it'd be a call for You know me a cry for help Yeah, almost Because I wanted to if I was going to do what I wanted to do it like if I worked if I lived in San Francisco I probably would have died I would just got another access to bridges. Yeah. Yeah, but um, I had no access to that You know, I mean so um, but I would just stand there and just go Should I just jump because I just hated it, you know Like you would wake up miserable or you was it like a negative tape in your head? Yeah, just that Hole in your soul. Yeah, you know me and no future and that's the thing it's like Especially like in sophomore junior, I would get my grades were terrible. So I knew college was in the thing Right and I like I don't know how I'm going to survive in the future. I have no skills whatsoever So I was just like Oh, I have I don't know what to do. I'm like I just like maybe working at like maybe like at a home Depot or something. Yeah, but that was like it Which is not not bad. If you if you work at home people, that's a great job. I don't yeah They shouldn't kill themselves. What they shouldn't kill them. So they shouldn't get them. That's a good job And then you got sober and how long were you sober for that time almost 13 years Wow, yeah, so you moved here started doing stand-ups. I realized when I was on that tv Right, okay. Yeah, I knew that you did but I didn't know that and then you then you got sober again for My second year I met the end of my second year of mad tv during that summer. I got sober again Okay, and then you were sober 17 years after that So you're making it longer next time will be 20 21 no because I relapsed when my dad died and then I only lasted like nine months or whatever Oh, god relapsed again. And now I have a year next Wednesday. Congratulations Um, thank you. I mean, what do you? What do you Fill the hole up with you're not gonna like my answer. I think I know what it is. What is it? success No, what Don't say math. Do not say no. No. In fact success is I call it a false god it is because when you first Like when I was doing stand-up in my 20s, I remember going. Oh, I don't need a meetings because The applause of an audience feels like spirituality almost Right, it kind of fills it, but it's like not real Right, because eventually it stops working. So the only thing you can do is go spiritual Right, it's like I you know every day I struggle with the concept of god You know what I mean because just you just look at the planet and in the history of our planet And you just kind of go how could there be but It's the only way I can do it So I don't oh you thought I wouldn't like that answer god I believe in god now. That's insane you Yes, did I not tell you Is it safe to say you're sober? I don't I don't really like to You know, I think a lot of people uh do but I just feel like My take is you know, I I don't want to be like an an advertisement for anything I just think that Life is so tricky that you just never know. So I just don't want anyone Yeah, I try to be open about my experiences Anyway, yeah, I mean I certainly I certainly don't I certainly it was somebody who was you know Notorious and infamous for for getting high and obviously that's not my lifestyle anymore. Um, but I definitely I definitely identify with that Uh typology of of person or something. I don't know that You know Like the brain ever changes or the way you hear music or something Yeah, really changes. So in in that sense, it's always sort of like in other words I'm somebody who still needs to be kind of like walking these streets at 5 a.m. Sort of you know, just thinking thoughts in the middle of the night almost like alone and You know or within the company of strangers, uh, and just to say and In that sense, I don't know that I'm fully uh You know, it's like I'm a a changed person in terms of I'm not I'm no longer like self-destructive in these same sort of violent ways that land you in You know hospitals and dy's and that kind of a thing when you think about that being like that Yeah, is it about self-acceptance? Is it about you feel odd? Like do you ever think about like your motives for because I you are you're like a legit interesting I don't know anyone that's kind of like you Thank you, uh You know, the other thing that's so weird is uh, I don't know if you're getting older But I've been getting older. So what's happening now? Is we've slowed it down all this kind of shenanigans when we sort of like Even when my mind sort of tells me a story about myself it's so You know connected to this like great event that are like my years as a junkie and really In the sort of like history of that timeline That's now like a blip In the axis of you know what I mean? There's like Sort of 25 years before now. There's like almost, you know 20 years later, which is weird because I'm 22 But it's it's sort of weird because it that it's such a sort of seminal event But I think so in a way I no longer see it as being so much about drugs and alcohol per se but more almost like I was uh At tish like a film and philosophy double major. I was like skipped my senior year of high school So I was there by the time I was like 16 years old and in that time. I was already sort of A philosophy major like those were my interests at 16 Yeah, and I think that the truth of my story was more like I'd seen so much You know fucked up shit as a kid alcoholic crazy parents and that kind of a thing and I'd already been a child actor I was never a child star and uh, and I think probably because of like my and you never will be again Do you hear me and god damn it if you keep this Silliness, uh And I think probably because I always have like big hair and like a you know, there's personality or whatever my accent It seems like I'm such a an extrovert, you know, but in fact, I think probably as a kid It was more that I was cataloging things like a a witness sort of more like a And maybe it was just like a coping mechanism but almost more like a writer or a filmmaker like I was sort of watching vignettes because they were Weird and traumatizing and fucked up and there'd be like 60s music blasting from these crazy parents so I would sort of see them as sequences and had like an imagination because I was already in the language of sort of like On camera, we make, you know, we sort of tell stories and I did I got sort of, you know famous like American pie slums Beverly Hills and then I sort of like dropped out of college and Sort of aggressively like dropped out of that life because I found it to be not Where it was at on this very sort of like teenage almost Like Jack Kerouac Bacowski level that I was like, what is this thing like the top of the mountain is just You know like fame and like sycophants and free clothes and what the fuck is this? You know, like that's where and you know, my parents had put me in that business And so it just didn't add up and I don't think I had the sort of proper support network to say You know, no, this is just an aspect of self I was very entangled with like the artist's trip of you know, either this is a substantive life or it's not So I think I really went under into like this sort of belly of the beast of To see how the other half live in a way that was very Like pseudo intellectual teenager who was obsessed with a certain kind of literature that Is traditionally very male lone wolf like expat I want to see what it's like sort of, you know boozy under the skin and It's just non-filter cigarettes and then I think almost like a a narc who went in too deep It was like the nature of addiction. So you really look back on it like almost you were just like I'm just see what this is like just for a second Not even for a second, but while I was like this trip of like this sort of ego trip of I kind of I did it, you know the man. Congratulations american pie and magazines and I remember as you said american pie I remember thinking when I saw you that you were in it. I was surprised you did it Yeah, I was like I was surprised they got you. I was like they got Natasha Leon. Wow Like the good for them and I was like I didn't I just thought you were a cool Indie yeah person and I think probably I was just sort of confused like Sort of like now it's it's very fun being You know a girl Just because it's sort of like time has caught up or something. I couldn't agree more women In their 30s are unlike like I'll meet girls. I'll be like, you know women couldn't be like you 20 years ago Then it was more. I just think I was sort of like what is this whole gig, you know, and Anyway, so I think like a narc that was in too deep. I sort of you know drugs are catching so I kind of like You know, I made to you if you're weak. Yeah, and And then it was sort of like the the journey out was really the dark nights of the soul because it was not Like she's back. You know what I mean? It was a whole fucking Extravagance of you know, you better go on this spiritual quest because you've got nothing else kid like You that was really where I saw that I had burnt down the whole house And then now it's like I spent almost 20 years sort of Rebuilding and but almost then It was more like a choice to kind of get back into all these things So all the relationships sort of changed of You know people like You know, uh, you know my Rudolph and Amy Poehler that I knew back then It was suddenly like Amy and I were co-creating a show or Maya and I were like Making a production company or it just felt more Okay, there's a different way to do this whole game that makes sense for someone like me and that All that experience isn't wasted. But anyway, just to say that It's it's sort of it's it's weird now looking back at all that stuff in the language in which You have to talk about it to make it make sense sort of, you know, like Season one of orange is a new black. I had to sort of talk about it in a way that Would be You know palatable to people sort of re accepting that per it's just it's all so weird when you talk about the nature of Humanity and how we don't fully give ourselves like the full breath of the human experience is all I mean Well, I say all that only knowing that we know each other and part of you know The excitement of you doing this is that you're somebody who does see things that way. So that's all so that was a thank you Yeah, kind of I'm kidding Well, you know, I've always sort of indulged in the buffet of drugs But there was a lot of there was a lot of crystal for a while. Sure, you know, and uh, which is From my hometown, you know, some one of our main exports. Sure. Sure. And uh, and You know, I think I always had a fascination with there's so much to do that staying up late I look there's nothing cooler than staying up late. Yeah, and it's sort of like you want to dance You want an omelet? You want to fix your car? But you realize after a while, it's like those aren't eggs This car is not broken and there's no music, you know, and so I just think After a while and he snorted you told me you did none Apparently is for bridge and tunnel weekenders. It's no that's the intro to homelessness Oh, oh, that's like you're just you're you're you're it's not worth the Oh, yeah, that's exactly you get from smoking. You have to snort it That's how you get on the faces of meth like okay, no because I had a I dated a woman who Used to do meth and she was like my skin was never better And my teeth were perfect and I never lied to myself. Well, no, she said like you just fuck all the time That's all you do. Yeah, essentially unlike cocaine. It's like it's Bonertown it puts an s on your chest, but that s is test for speech Whatever there's is there an s on my chest or not? It doesn't matter what it's for It sort of leaves you emotionally in a strange spot because you're interested You're interested But uh, you're only you kind of it keeps the stone from sinking all the way You're kind of skipping along the top. You're interested, but you have no attention span, right But you're ready to be like, you know, I feel I feel I was able to keep my attention span But also creates a bluntness. We're like, okay enough of that now. We're you know, and you don't you're like I can't worry about hurting that person's feelings. I don't think it made me cruel by any standard. It's just I love to To talk and listen engage in that back and forth but um, it's certainly You keep your eye on the prize And you and you put these kind of emotional blinders on I think and frankly, I realized that that it played into my workaholic nature You said you never missed a meeting meaning you were able to do meth off and on for 16 years. Yeah, and glorious years And you were a functioning I was a high functioning guy, you know, I I did, you know Business and didn't spend a lot didn't spend a lot of money didn't have any Didn't wreck any cars didn't do you know, um, I just felt like like I was leaning forward the whole time and really frankly enjoyed it so much for the time, you know, I don't I gotta say From the outside in faces of meth stuff aside if I could like pause my life And do it for a while. I would do it. Yeah. I mean, I think that's that's it's real It's real tractor beam as it's difficulty to sort of exit from I bet. Yeah, you know, that's it's got like a 4% Right. So once you get involved in that life, it's it's very difficult and that's including snorting It doesn't make a difference. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think that the main difference would be like Smoke and just degenerate you so much you go through so much more of it and it's just you start wearing it immediately and You know, it's to my experience that snorting it or parachuting it as they would call it to swallow something like Is more of a slow burn But you're on a high speed burning up a lot of life force Yeah, I mean, I I always reckon I knew that you're stealing the years at the end of your life To to pressure them like create a diamond in the pressure. That was the hope Yeah, you know, but but also those are kind of the those are the rationales you tell yourself a bit And I also realized I was really covering up a lot of My own blocks, you know, I really was sincerely Um trying to put a callus wherever it hurt Okay, well, that's what I want to that's why you're here You have an album out That doesn't matter though. Yeah, you have an album out go whatever you people can do stuff Let the algorithm do what it's gonna be Let the algorithm speak Somebody said the fucking funniest thing to me recently I met a guy on an elevator in new york and he goes He goes, yeah, you come on my algorithm sometimes. What's your name? And it was like that's what it is. That's not like I saw you say you came all over my algorithm. Yeah, basically Uh, but just that's where this what it is now. It's like, yeah, you got in my algorithm, right? But why are all the words for it so disgusting? It's like you got to check my feed Where you're like, man, I don't you put it like that. I don't want to hook the bag from around your ears What okay, so you you said that you didn't do any self-help stuff till about five years ago So it seems like you were just Living in a haphazard way Well, it was uh, frankly, I was like it's working for me. I'm able to get myself I'm able to get myself off for long stretches of time How long it would be like four months Yeah, five months and and was it was it definitely it was like well, it was of course It's increasingly difficult and so it would be on purpose It would say in order to justify my next camping trip so to speak he called it camping In order to justify this I need to You know, also it's like I would be home And it would be a father and I wouldn't be on tour and so I would be like this is not I need to show myself. I have this control and so it's kind of always flexing on my own psyche that way and there I I want to pause and say I get a perverse pleasure from Deprivation. Yeah, I like and it sounds like you did too like that sort of like Like there's something biblical about like in the desk in the desk Like, you know, yeah, and I I guess I romanticize my own ideals anyways And so romanticizing like I can take it I can do this And this is the right thing to do in this moment and then I can choose to stay off if I want to it's like Somehow running myself through the paces of you got to earn this Mm-hmm. I never felt like I would be playing music this long anyways. And so it comes To be that, you know, it's also like you got to earn this too. And this is art and you got to You know, you have to take it on the chin. You know, yeah, it's everything's a trial by fire Well, and I've always I've always loved my own blood and spit and scars and things like that. And so not only the Uh, it's also the degradation of it too, right like this mutual degradation amongst what's a little blood amongst friends This is how we do something amazing to do something classic You have to do something classic and what's fucked up. I still believe that, you know I still believe what's funny is that reads in your work and it also reads in the fans It feels like a lot of people Believe it and there it like your sort of genre Has so many visual trappings tattoos. There's like a low rider thing. Yeah Vampires somehow Long beach, there's like this pile from the outside in I'm like, oh, that's they're all into it Yeah, you know, it's doing that thing that that is very jumbo shrimp It's like trying to get in a group of individuals It's trying to take from a bunch of little clicks and unite them all and and admit I don't want all you I just want some of you what's funny is even though. I've sort of omitted or not omitted but sort of extracted Speed from the Maya conversation or my lifestyle anymore The ideals remain the same those things are unchanged. This is more dealing with them head on and being And not allowing Crystal to be part of that truth, right like my solution starts here hit it Gary bring those lines over It's just not because I I realized that how much I was running from things instead of I felt like I was taking them head on And I was colliding because it is There is something brutal about it. Yeah, it's it's brutal. It's a brutal lifestyle You know, but it's there's like a cool. There's like a cool. It's you know, it's like the glamour of You know bukowski and and yeah and the salt and sea Yeah, and and like the fringe of life its entry point is the fringe of life and so joshua tree and and To to feel like you're escaping you look no further than where you're already standing, you know You're in this location and and the mental location Of the fringe from the start and so it becomes really simple to make art or really not simple Joyous to make art there Because you feel like you're living the art you're already outside Yeah You're announced like everyone there is an outside the romantic side of that because again as I said I was like my ideals like fairness and justice and and love and revenge and perfection and and you know You know forgiveness That I romanticize those because that's what that's what we kind of do is you know, you know, I I need to believe That it's real. So it doesn't feel silly Yeah But also when you do stuff like speed you really deny what hurts You know you really and you're doing a psychotic, you know, and and so it is a psych out It is a psychotic and so you're what you're doing is encouraging But I really learned the last five years is that anger is the sword I hold in a hand which is hurt, right? So when I would feel insecure or scared Afraid to do something Or challenged by that Sometimes my reaction is anger. No, which really doesn't make sense You know, I mean it's a fight or flight mechanism I guess but it doesn't make sense in the solution Like I'm scared. So the first thing I'm gonna do is get really pissed off Yeah, chance. Well first putting gambit smoking crystal seems Like a badass Hardcore thing to do snort snort. I'm sorry. I'll do it again Again guys don't smoke it snort it If you take nothing away if you stop it right now Snort it Um, I beg of you sir, sir Hear my words here. Listen to me. You listen to me It seems like a badass thing to do. It seems brave. It seems But it's a complete avoidance Yeah, I mean it's the ultimate way to sort of be over sexualized and and and heightened at all levels except for your emotional Dexterity, you know, it's like talk about being emotionally unlimber And and and also getting off the the depression associated with getting off and taking those breaks So you're you constantly heave hoeing on your how long would the depression last when you quit? The full four months or would it be a couple weeks? Yeah, I mean a couple weeks heavily, you know, and and you're really taffing out your depression So it's wide and you know, it's uh and it hurts it hurts and it's it's You know, as you know, like when you can't seem to get around it Or away from it when it feels like it's all over you. Yeah, and um Like when it's in the eggs, you're making. Yeah, you're like gooey. It's fucking under your nail You're like, yeah get this shit off. Yeah, there's it's when you find the The joylessness in like fucking eggs, you know, you're just fucking eggs again Yeah, you motherfuckers, but it's it's it's a hundred percent real. So there's no way You know and then plus when you drain the ocean of that and that chemical depression side goes away You're still left with what was there from the beginning. What made you start to actually Do the work? What made you start to actually think about Your real problems not your relationship with crystal Snorted well, I I always was hoping that there I knew there would be something some day that would be like That's the wall and I hope that that thing would be something where someone would say if you Now's the time or you could die, but it didn't involve dying. You know, you wish for that perfect Wall right as soft a soft break. Yeah soft rock bottom, right and also, you know, I there's guys like Iggy who You know, it was a pariah at times in a junk, you notorious wild man who has managed when I when I worked with him I talked to him extensively like how did you get to the spot where you have he has one bottle of wine with dinner at night? And that's it And how do you how do you manage this? How do you because I always felt I have the ability to exhibit those kinds of controls But I'm not a control freak. I just My preference would be To not have it go out of control. And so I'd rather just try to do that You know, I don't I'm not like it must be is this way or nothing, you know, so I think I just My family, you know, I I was Mostly spending my time on tour. That was my way of coping on tour Doing drugs. Yeah, and then I would come home and and it also it created Exacerbated that feral nature and nature in me, which I was like makes the shows more unpredictable And it does And I never knew what I was going to do and nobody else knew And it could be blood and it could be flowers and it's just and I loved Rolling the dice like that the risk and then it just became like unmanageable. Yeah. Well, then it just was like man Hurts it just hurts My body hurt my my mind hurt And the push and pull of going on and off that that felt like a job type job And right and and I and it was like how many times will I put myself through this and the reason is What's the fucking reason? There's no reason You know, and well, you've done it before there's your reason. Yeah, sure. Well, and it was like And and I'm actually gaining enough knowledge to do it better now Yeah, you know, I've thought about it. I'm an expert here. Yeah But I just like I remember like You know going to the coke dealers and just getting a gram You know when it was still light out. How much is that? It was like a hundred bucks. It was like, but how much how much? It's a gram of coke. I don't know. I've never I've only seen it. It doesn't seem like a lot It looks maybe like sort of like in the little rubber band spoon. Okay. No, it's like a like a like Like, uh, what do you call it a uh heavy tablespoon ish, you know, yeah, not a ton That might even be more than it. You know, yeah, I wish they did it a tablespoon They should have a teaspoon. You can it'd be easier. Yeah, maybe it's sort of like, you know It's like four or it's maybe like two or three sugar packets Okay, you know, but I just remember getting it And then going to the bar at the avenue B and seventh and just getting a pint of bass after doing a few rails at his house and just being like, this is the best It wasn't even like where we going. There was just possibility. There was like my brain It had a sort of a ritalin effect. I was jacked, but I was like, you know, like everything's okay, you know Yeah, but then it just gets bad. You can't hold on to that and you know, and you don't really know how you're acting You don't really know You know how you're coming on you probably don't care either, right? I think I I kind of care how you're I just thought I was like exciting and it was like it gave me like to what just reacting to what you said earlier like I don't know that I am fundamentally Angry, I don't think that's the deepest layer of me. I think I'm over sensitive and you know, weirdly terrified of failure in all ways including socially Uh, and I think the anger thing happened After my first heartbreak and you know, and I just kind of learned how to wear that But I think ultimately I'm a hypersensitive person that has I'm terrified of Of being embarrassed and and and but it happens a lot I think that was another thing I got from my mother. She was embarrassing My mother the way she'd order at restaurants the way she'd you know sexualize everything. So So I don't I think the anger came from From it was after but but I think the coke Gave me what I felt was some sort of genuine confidence and I and I think that What was annoying about me even with you And those comments was that was some sort of insecure swagger Well, that's what I always the thing I know is about he's like, dude, you're fucking really astute Yeah, just stop turning it on people that like you Just my preemptive man. No, I know but it's like what I don't I'm fucking hands up Like I'd like you I know well that was I guess that in in when you have uh bad boundaries You know the way you establish them is not is not great Right. It's you shank. You got a shank. It's yeah, yeah, yeah Psych psychological uh prison logic. Yeah, so it came from Fear I just feel like I just didn't have a sense of self for you know until fairly recently In some what's funny is it's like you but you haven't really changed that much. I know I know like it's weird, you know when I At some point like a decade ago or so. I was watching my old stuff thinking like I can't watch it and I'm like, oh, that's me Yeah Like what what am I thinking? What's going on up here to where like, I don't even know who that guy is Yeah, I know that guy. Yeah the same guy. I'm still embarrassed, but it's like and it's true less embarrassed So it was yeah, it's not as embarrassing as things. Totally not. I'm like, I was just trying jokes. They weren't bad Hey, did you like that? Did you like that? Yeah, did you like it though? You want more don't want to work would rather watch videos of me grab acid with people first I'll go up here to subscribe And then go up here to uh watch more clips This is like when the weatherman says there's a high pressure system coming in I'm not really used to the green screen