 W-E-A-F, New York. Avalon cigarettes, please. Yes, sir. Oh, just a moment, sir. Don't forget your change. You'd never guess. But Avalons cost you less. Oh, why not? Welcome to Avalon Time with Red Fully, Jeanette, Edna Stillwell, the Avalon chorus, Bob Strong and his orchestra, and Red Skelton. The orchestra opens the program with the ladies in love with you. Others are discovering that Avalon cigarettes are something entirely new and different. They're a quality cigarette that sells for less, three to five cents less per pack than other popular price brands. Never has a price so low bought this unexcelled Avalon quality, a quality made possible by the perfect blending of the world's finest Turkish and domestic tobaccos. You'd never guess that Avalons cost you less. And if you want the money you spend for your cigarettes to bring full value, switch to Avalons. Avalons give you so much and cost you so little. Why not pick up a pack tonight? I prefer to my jokes, though, it's being corny. Oh, you know, I'm really sorry about that, Red. I'll let it happen again. By the way, what are you talking about tonight? Well, I have a few jokes about Father's Day. Oh, a little popcorn tonight. That's the day when everybody rushes down to see who'll buy pop the nicest present. But it usually winds up a tie. Father's Day, I took my dad to the ball game. It was so far to the ball park, time we walked there, he was too tired to climb up with a fan. Boy, does he get excited at ball games. He got really excited. He threw a bottle at the umpire. Of course, everybody throws bottles at the umpire, but this one had a baby on it. My father got out of a mess, though. He's a lawyer. My father's a good lawyer, too. My father has his own ambulance. I feel great tonight, though. I just got back from New York City, where I was guest of honor at Lowestate Theater for one day. When the people found out I was at Lowestate, boy, what business they did. In fact, the manager had the ropes out three times. He's gonna hang himself. The manager and I split the gate receipt. He got the receipt and gave me the gate. I don't know. They announced over the microphone, but I felt it in person. The band played the port and peasant over here. The curtain went up. I walked out of the center of the stage, and the entire audience rose to its feet as one man. Of course, there was only one man in the audience, but I said to the fella, I said, well, I'll show you him a regular fella. I'll do my act. He says, well, make it snappy. I'm the janitor. I want to clean up. I had a lot of fun in New York. I had a tough time getting a hotel room. This being National Hotel Week, a lot of conventions. But I finally found one. The room was air conditioned. It was a B-hole. Thanks a lot, both of you. I had applause over there. It was very weak, but I read it. The hotel was beautiful, though. We're at indirect lighting from the YMCA sign across the street. I was in the goal room. They called it the goal room because the wallpaper was turning yellow. But it was big. At that time, I should rehearse that before the show is from now on. I'm not going to take any more chances. It's really a very expensive hotel. They had one of those big Louis XIV beds. It was genuine, too. In fact, it was so genuine, the termites were chewing with a French accent. I kind of chewed that up myself. But that's the organ for telling me it's time for their version of Jungle Drum. Take it away, Bob Strong. Hit it, boy. I've written a little sketch for tonight's program. A sketch? I'm sorry, Del. At 7.45, I've got to leave. I'm going to a class reunion at my college. College? Yeah. Did you go to college, Red? Certainly. What college you go to? Uh, Nerf the University. Nerf the University? I never heard of the place. What, you never heard tell of Nerf to you? Shelton? Yeah, but I got a diploma to prove it. Since when did they start giving out diplomas at reform school? You say that, Del? No, that was Roger the fiddle player again. Ah, that fiddle player. He don't lay off on me. He'll be trading that fiddle for a harp. You better be careful of him, Red. He's plenty tough. Yeah? He could beat you up anytime. He could? Sure. He wouldn't dare. God beat him until he couldn't stand up. He guy's a coward. You want me to prove it? Hey, Roger, how do you like a punch in the nose? How would you like a punch in the nose? I asked you first. Well, you're at college. Did you study the classics? Yeah, I studied the classics. Do you know Carmen? Oh, certainly. What has she been doing lately? Edna, say you're just in time to hear the news. Don't tell me that the G-men rescued Bim Gump. Yeah. No, I got a letter from my old college. What college? Nurtz to you. Well, Nurtz to you, too. That's the name of the college. They want me to come back and pay them a visit. And last year's board bill. Come in. Are you still well? Yes. I'm here to collect a bill for the dress you bought at my shop. My name is Barry. You must be a gooseberry to send me your bill, Barry, before it's due, Barry. Your father, the elderberry, would have more sense. You may look very blackberry and feel very blueberry, but I don't give a strawberry for you and your bill, Barry. I'm good, folks, but it's clean. Bobby. Yeah, I know what you see in that guy. He's so tight when you go out with him, he leaves his offenders and build a home so he can keep his hands in his pocket. Hello, everyone. Hello, there, Bob. Well, if it ain't old spatial arrangement straw. What's going on out here? Well, I was just telling you the gang. I'm going back to my college reunion. Just think of it, Sheldon. Yesterday you were a little boy at college, and today you're a man. You certainly have grown up. How else could he grow? Say, uh... I'll tell the jokes on this program from now on. Say, did you go to college, Bob? Me? Well, I'm a-triculated at one of the foremost institutions of advanced education. Yeah, none of that stuff. Answer the question. Yes, I went to college. Ah, college. These of my life were spent at Vassar. What a weekend. Hello, everybody. Hiya, Red Bulley. Happy birthday. Today is Red Bulley's birthday, ladies and gentlemen. Say, did you get any presents? Any presents? Yeah, we got one from Papa. You did? Yeah, but tomorrow's Father's Day so I gave it back to him. Did he like it? Like it. Make every drop. Say, what are y'all talking about, anyway? Well, I'm going back to college. Well, talking about college? That's right. Say, I don't like that at all. There are four reasons. Four? In the first place, I didn't go to college. In the second place, I don't care whether you went to college or not. In the third place, I am against colleges. Oh, yeah? What's in fourth place? Brooklyn Dodgers. Hey, wait a minute. Don't go away. We got another line here. Say, where did you get that gag? Give me a hug. Just look down at the script and there it was. There's the good old Red Bulley there. Happy birthday. Hello, Mrs. Gelton. Oh, hello. How'd you get in the studio? Oh, uh, on this ticket? That's not a ticket. That's a streetcar transfer. A streetcar transfer? Yeah. Well, well, it's good in July to class. So is this program good in July to class? It wasn't last week. He ain't doing bad this week, either. You keep quiet, Roger. Well, Rad, you know time for you to leave for college. Oh, thanks a lot, Dale. And while Jeanette sings, if I didn't care, I'm going to make a quick trip to Nerdster University. Come on, gang. Sing it, Jeanette. I didn't care quality because Avalons are made from the very finest Turkish and domestic tobacco available, blended to perfection. Real money-saving economy because Avalons cost three to five cents less per pack than other popular price brands, a saving that will net you many, many extra dollars every year. When any cigarette offers such outstanding advantages, such distinct points of superiority are certainly worth a trial. Why not pick up a pack tonight? You'd never guess they cost you less. We now take you to Nerdster University, where Reg Skelton is dean for a day, and Edna is still well as secretary. Here they are in the dean's office. Good afternoon, Nerdster University. Is war there? War. I wish your college held some other time. Hello. Just a moment. I'll tell him. Mr. Skelton. The dean's waiting for you outside. And the dean is waxing Roth. Is Roth outside, too? Well, tell Roth to wax the dean for a while. Ah, good old Nerdster. Say, Mr. Will, how would you like to take a walk with me? OK. Come on. Ah, this is the campus of our college. Do I see a student over there? Is that a student over there? Well, can you tell me how to spell financially? Financially, financially. Take it, Edna. N-A-N-C-I-A-L-L-Y. Yeah, and they're too ours and embarrassed. Hey, you mean to tell me you're still in college? Oh, yes, Mr. Skelton. I'm still academically connected with this little old school here. Well, you were here when I got here, and you were here when I left, and five years later I returned, and you're still here. Yeah, ain't I the one, though? The thing here. Well, you see, every year, they keep printing my picture in the college annual. And I look so cute, I just hate to read. What are you studying now, Herky? Well, I'm studying foodology. Foodology? Yeah. You see, I can read your mind and tell what you are by what you eat. Oh, you can? Yeah. Now, let's see. For breakfast this morning, I had grapefruit, frog legs, mother's mushrooms, a bottle of champagne, and three cantaloupes. Well, you're either a millionaire or an awful glutton. And I know you're not a millionaire. What are you doing now, Mr. Skelton? Uh, I'm a radio comedian. You are? Mm-hmm. Well, is it hard to find honest words? Haven't you heard me on the air, Herky? True, some stuff you've got. I'll fail. See, as a college man, what do you think of me on the air? Well, Mr. Skelton, from a reprehensible viewpoint, you contaminate the ozone that permeates the stratospheric or susquipedentical... Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait. What does that mean? In other words, confidentially, you... Yeah, I get it. Anyway, the dean wants me to whitewash the bells and the steeples. So I guess I'll go and wash out a few dings. I'll see. Oh, Herky, he thinks the golden opportunities are blonde. Come to think of it, maybe he's not the dumbest man. What's that building over there? Well, that's the museum building. Ah, it brings back a lot of... a lot of memories to me. What kind of memories, Red? Well, just a couple of years ago, when I was a kid and colleague, I remember one afternoon in class. Uh, Mr. Straw, your lessons aren't done today. Where'd you go last night? To the movies with a girl. You go home for a week. Uh, Mr. King, where were you last night? Out parking with a girl. Well, go home and stay for two weeks. Where are you going, Mr. Skeleton? Professor, my college days are over. We'll step out in the hall. It's the biggest old hall I've ever seen in my life. Uh, students, uh, now as we enter this room, I ask you to notice the inscription over the entrance. Sick transit gloria. Sick transit gloria? Yes, yes. Sick transit gloria. Uh, what comes after gloria? Swanson? I mean... No, no. That in follows glory. Well, I can't say that I blame him. Now as we enter the room, uh, we find this is the room on Egyptology. The what, professor? The room on Egyptology. These are mommies. Where did your mother get them? No, nonsense, young woman. We are... we are... to tell the truth. Pense your mommies by their garb. The garb includes the stove. And if the mummy is decorated with garb, decorated with garbage. Mommies, mommies. We've seen yards and yards of cloth bandages. These mommies are all decent. It says... it says... Is this Hiddup? A fan hammer, I think. What seems to be the trouble, lady? Can I be of any assistance? I've lost my husband. Yeah, what do you look like? He had a mustache. Did you see him? No, we haven't seen him yet. All we've seen is the mommies and the stuffed animals. He must be someplace. I come here every afternoon with him. Say, this is a museum for the students. I know. He's taking a postgraduate course. And he's interested in some old fossil. Oh, well, don't worry, lady. It's probably some harmless flirtation. Attention, students. Now, this is a replica of the glaciers. Listen closely, Mr. Skelton. The glaciers were large pieces of ice that came down from the north and brought huge stones and rocks with them. Oh, yeah. Do you understand that, sir? Oh, yeah, sure. I understand that. Then, Mr. Skelton, what were glaciers? Well, the glaciers were big hunks of ice that came down and brought hunks of rocks and stone with them. Mm-hmm. And where are the glaciers now? They went back after more rocks. On the Alvalon course. The song, Ride Tender Foot Ride. Bus City or... Oh, what do you want, my foolish fiddler? I've been trying to figure something out. What's that? It's a band. Poly and genetic singers. And Edna still has a clever accent. But what are you on this program? Me? I'm a comedian. Michael Corporation will again present Alvalon Time. Del King speaking. Good night.