 The Screen Directors Playhouse sends its heartiest congratulations to Radio Station WTIC in Hartford, Connecticut. Tonight, celebrating its 25th anniversary. Here in radio, first in recorded music, first in television, proudly presents... The Screen Directors Playhouse, star Rosalind Russell, production, this thing called love, director Alexander Hall. Hollywood Screen Directors present something to laugh about. Tonight, for the first time on the air, the motion picture comedy, this thing called love. Starring Rosalind Russell in her original role of Anne. Rise, Collins, aboard the SS Cruciategna in route to Rio de Janeiro and New York. To Mrs. Anne Collins, statistics department, amalgamated insurance company. Darling, stop calling yourself a kissless bride. Stop. Women who marry mining engineers in Rio shouldn't sail from New York the same day. Stop. I love you. Stop. Coming home, stop. Put the soup on. Signed Tice Collins. From Mrs. Anne Collins to Tice Collins, SS Cruciategna. Engineers who marry business girls in Rio shouldn't go hunting Peruvian gold mines for three months. Stop. Did you say you loved me? Don't stop. Welcome home. The soup is simmering, signed Anne Collins. Darling, docking in two hours. Stop. Missed you in the jungle. Stop. You're much cuter than most crocodiles. Stop. Keep an eye on the soup. Love, Tice. Oh, good morning, Gordon. Isn't he wonderful? Listen to the way he signs this telegram. Love, Tice. Very original. Oh, he wants me to keep my eye on the soup. And do your old boss a favor. Let's get back to business. Business? Remember the amalgamated insurance company? You're supposed to be the head of my statistics department. Oh, and Gordon Daniels, I have a plan that may well revolutionize your entire business. You mean I can make more money? Exactly, Gordon. Do you realize that we've had hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of insurance canceled because of divorces? Sure, but what can we do about it? I'm getting to that. Do you realize that according to my statistics, most of these tragedies occurred because there was no practical plan for marriage? Yes, yes. Well, I have provided that plan. The entire thing is outlined in this pamphlet that I have just had published. Now, what do you think of the title? A sociological, psychological and statistical approach to marriage as an institution, subordinating the emotional to the intellectual relationship by Ann Collins? I'm overwhelmed. Well, of course there is a shorter title. What? Look before you leap. You're a fine one to talk. You go to Rio for five days and come back married. Ann, how does this plan of yours work? It's very simple. Every marriage should begin with a four month trial period that will eliminate the usual emotional hazards. The husband and wife will have separate rooms, separate lives and, well, their relationship will be purely platonic. Talk? Nothing but talk. Just because you wrote all this down in the pamphlet, it doesn't mean it's going to work. Gordon, let me tell you something. I am going to prove that it does work. How? Tice and I are going to test my planned marriage theory ourselves. Oh, no, he can't be that dumb. Not after three months in the jungle. Tice is an intelligent person. And he agreed to this? Well, not exactly. I haven't told him yet. Oh, I'll have to hurry if I'm going to meet that boat. The ship is about to dock, Senior Collins. Senior Diastro, do you know what it means to come home to a bride after three months in the jungle? Senior Collins, do you know how many children I have? Ten. Then please do not talk like an idiot. Oh, I'm sorry. You're sorry. The marriage with that baby, Senior Collins, is nothing, nothing. Right. It's like an undeveloped gold mine. Now, about those Peruvian ore deposits I own, we were discussing alone, Senior Diastro. I apologize, Senior Collins, but have you seen my little ones? Your children? Well, Silvio and Juanita are in the cabin, and Mario and Pablo are with your wife. And where is she? Well, she's looking for Pedro, Rosa, Rita, Nina, and Sam. What about Francisco? Well, I saw him crawling out of a porthole in the Gulf of Mexico. No, I remember. He is with Mama, and they are so excited about a vacation in New York. About the loans, Senior Diastro. You're the wealthiest man in Peru, and I thought... With ten children, Senior Collins, I have to be the wealthiest man in Peru. Yes, yes. Well, my lawyer will meet us at the dock, and perhaps we can discuss the loan. Julio? Julio? Coming, Mama. Apologize, Senior Collins, but I must go cut my little ones. I will talk to your lawyer. Tell Mrs. Diastro they're letting down the gangway. And Mrs. Collins... Well, I suppose I should ask you what's new in Peru. I'll kiss now, ask later. Oh, tights, darling. Now, don't look now, dear, but just behind your shoulder... Yes, dear? There's a blonde drooling at you. What? Oh, Charlotte, Charlotte, honey. Hey, lover. Got a kind word for your legal eagle? Charlotte, honey, this is my wife, Anne, honey. This is Charlotte, honey, my lawyer. Hello, Charlotte, honey. Kind if I kiss my client just to cement our business relationship. Oh, no, no, no. Charlotte, no. Break it up, break it up, mouthpiece. You said cement, not reinforced concrete. Welcome home, Ty. Charlotte, why don't you find Senior Diastro and see that his family gets settled? They have 10 children. You can talk business. With 10 children, I'll be scared to talk about anything else but business. I'll see you later. Ty, who is Senior Diastro? Oh, he's the man who's going to finance my gold mine. What with? Baby bombs? Come on, Anne, I can hardly wait to get home. Darling, there's something I want to tell you first about us and our marriage. Oh, is it a surprise? No, a shock. Oh, but I guess it can wait till we get home. This is where we're going to live. How do you like it? Oh, it's wonderful. Oh, you'll adore it. The two bedrooms have a view over the lake. I love a view over the lake. Oh, that's nice because your bedroom has the best view. Oh, darling, that's awfully considerate of you. What do you mean, my bedroom? Well, it's part of my plan for a practical marriage. Well, how practical can you be? Well, according to my statistics, 26 and two-thirds percent of all marriages end in divorce, and 78 and seven-tenths percent of all divorces are due to incompatibility, and 92 percent of all cases of incompatibility are caused by over-emphasizing the emotional side of marriage. No, no, no, wait a minute. Will you stop throwing those numbers at me? When your eyes light up like that, you look just like a pinball machine. Well, after all, we are practically strangers to each other, and we only knew each other for five days when we were married, and I seal for New York the same day. We can't let our lives be ruled entirely by emotion, can we? What are you trying to say? Well, it's just that I've given this a great deal of thought, Tyson, and since in my work I've written a pamphlet on the perfect marriage, well, I feel it would be best if, for our first four months together, we... we... Oh, no. Oh, no, you wouldn't! But Tyson, you'll be pioneering a whole new concept of marriage. You should feel like... like Daniel Boone. Well, I do, and he's been dead for over a hundred years. Oh, treachery! Well, it's better than TC flies, isn't it? I have never met a treacherous TC fly. Well, I'm just asking you to keep an open mind. All you have to do is leave yourself open to persuasion. Well, this isn't persuasion. It's invasion. Oh, I'll get it. Oh! Yeah. Goodie, goodie, gumdrops. Where's your husband? Oh, hello, Charlotte. I thought you were with the deestros. I am. They're getting their bags out of the car now. Bags? Bags. You've got overnight guests. The deestros left their children with a cousin in Flatbush. They won't be able to get a hotel room till tomorrow. And you brought them here? Business pet between your husband and myself. You wouldn't understand. Oh, yes, I would. And I'd like to break your little arm. Look, this is ridiculous. This is absolutely ridiculous. They can't stay here. We've only got two bedrooms. And according to Anne's plan, they can't stay. Because if they did, Anne and I would have to... We'd have to... Well! And send your deestros. See your colleagues! Oh, so nice of you to send your colleagues. And send your colleagues. How do you do? Welcome to the bedroom which awaits you. A nice, fresh, uninhabited bedroom. I have been scuttled. Yes, haven't you, dear? Well, have fun, kitties. You aren't leaving. Oh, yes, my work is done. Oh, but I have a wonderful idea. Why don't you stay overnight with us, too? Little old me. My darling, I'd love to. Wonderful! Now we can discuss the long with Ms. Farrell. But Anne, where am I going to sleep? What's wrong with the bathtub? Oh, I've just been scuttled. Yes, haven't you, dear? You are listening to the Screen Directors Playhouse production of This Thing Called Love, starring Rosalind Russell and presented by RCA Victor. There's a new subject almost as popular as Love in America today. This thing called television. And that means your RCA Victor dealers is the most popular place in town. You'll see why when you feast your eyes on RCA Victor's fabulous 14, 14 brand-new 1950 television models created to meet the needs of a complete cross-section of purchasers. Take the new tele-ensemble. That's your set if you have about $230 to spend. The tele-ensemble is Deluxe 12.5-inch RCA Victor television that has everything. A smart maroon cabinet, a matching support, a built-in antenna, and of course all those maximum values in pictures and performance which make RCA Victor first in television. Some day soon visit your RCA Victor dealers. Find out about the wonderful RCA Victor factory service contract. Study all 14 new models. And set sail on the television way of life with the RCA Victor set that was made for you. Now back to the Screen Directors Playhouse production of This Thing Called Love, starring Rosalind Russell in her original role of Anne with Steven Dunn as Tice. After his return from South America, Tice Collins' first breakfast with his bride Anne would have been pleasantly intimate. If it weren't for the presence of Senor Diastro, Senora Diastro, Charlotte Farrell, and a horrible pot of coffee. More coffee, Mrs. Diastro. I made it myself. Oh, no, no, thank you, Senor Collins. Mr. Diastro? No, thank you. Charlotte, honey? Yes, yes, I'll have some. Really? I thought you'd prefer gin for breakfast. Tice, darling, you look horrible. Would you spend the night hanging from a nail? No, no, the bathtub. And I'd like to get my hands on the guy who tried to take a shower at four o'clock in the morning. Oh, Tice dear, I forgot to warn you, leaky faucets. Hmm, I feel like I've been bundling with a water buffalo. Oh, speaking of water buffaloes, how did you sleep, Charlotte, honey? Well, I kept having nightmares. Twice I dreamt that I went to the bathroom for a glass of water, and both times, something bit me. How exciting! I've got business to talk over, so I think I'll show Mrs. Diastro the guy. Oh, please excuse us. Well, Mr. Diastro, Ms. Farrell and I are ready to sign the loan papers anytime you are. Senor Collins, I must explain. My investments I make not only in the proposition, but in the man. Well, I'm a man. Mr. Diastro, doesn't my client's record in the mining business speak for itself? Forty is so young, so uncertain. You see, I know I have ten children. A family is the only incentive for a man. A family? If only there was one little baby, maybe. Baby? Baby? Why, Mr. Diastro, that's wonderful ties. Go ahead and tell him, Mr. Diastro. Tell him? Well, you know, Ann, the baby? The baby? Oh, the baby! Well, Mr. Diastro, I thought you knew Ann and I. No. Yes, and a more opportune infant I've never heard of. There's just one thing, Senor Diastro. I wouldn't mention this to my wife if I were you. No? No. You see, she doesn't know about it yet. She doesn't? I mean, she doesn't know that you know about it to see, and well, she'd sort of like to keep the secret. Wouldn't she, shall it? I think I'll be running along now. Oh, no, you don't. You're just as much a father to this child as I am. No, but do you think exciting happened while we were gone? Yeah, but you'd never believe it. Mrs. Collins, your husband told me not to mention it, but I must say something. I must tell you, Mrs. Collins, how happy I am for you. Well, I'm afraid I don't understand, Senor Diastro. Your husband told me of your wonderful plans about a new arrangement in your family. Oh, that. Oh, well, it's really nothing. I did it all with statistics. Statistics? Oh, do Americans are an amazing people? It's very simple. I just waded through the records, indexed and cross-indexed the files, and when I finished digging through the entire thing in the archives, bingo, 84%. You know, I'm beginning to feel giddy. But even... You know, so am I. Oh, really? Mr. Diastro, I don't deserve all the credit. The girls at the office furnished the figures. I think Mama and I go to our room now. We come back later and start all over. Look, I seem to be a little confused, too. I think I'll go upstairs and lie down. Ties, dear. There seems to be something going on that I don't know about. Well, it's just that... Well, it's just that you're going to have a baby. That's all. Well, if that's all it is, but I thought you know... You know, for a second, I thought you said I was going to have a baby. You did say I was going to have a baby. Now, don't get hysterical, please. In this case, it's sound business practice. But I'm not going to have any baby. The Diastro only lends money to family men. I had to tell them I was going to become a father. So you lied about me. You blackened the name of a good woman. Darling, you've got to see this thing through with me. Think of my reputation. Think of my loan. What about my pamphlet, my marriage plan? Well, you can pretend you're going to have a baby, can't you? I do as much for you. Mr. Collins. Oh, please, darling. Yes, Mr. Diastro? Mama and me, we go to our hotel now with Ms. Farrell. Yes, that'll give us a chance to wind up the loan ties. Well, I can't tell you how much we've enjoyed your visit. It's been so... so unusual. Goodbye, little mother. Oh, you wait a minute. Oh, don't excite yourself, dear. Remember your condition. Goodbye. We send you a little something for the baby. Senora Diastro, there's no hurry for that. Really, there is. Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye, Charlotte. Say goodbye to Charlotte, honey. Goodbye, Charlotte, honey. But why, Gordon? How's that marriage? Oh, wonderfully. Tice and I are so happy. He's reading my pamphlet now. Tice, he's suffering terribly from a hangnail. Oh, my gosh. Well, I'll talk to you when you get here. Goodbye, Gordon. Just listen to this. Only the Anne Collins plan can make the universe safe for marriage, democracy, and a woman's right to eat crackers in bed. Oh, good lord, Anne, you can't believe this stuff. Every statement in that pamphlet has been statistically verified. But you can't reduce marriage to numbers. Look at the birds and the bees. They've done all right without arithmetic. Darling, the only thing birdlike about you is your brain. Oh. Oh, it is. Well, for your information, I don't intend to have anything to do with this fiendish idea. All I am trying to do is make sure that we have a happy marriage. Well, I'm not happy. Well, I am. Hello, Anne. Anne, I admit I was wrong. Your pamphlet is a big success. Women's clubs all over the country are raving about it. Oh, Gordon, this is my husband, Tice. Not now. Women, hundreds of thousands of them. And all they want to meet is you. Now, I've arranged a lecture tour. You'll represent amalgamated insurance all over the continent. Oh, Gordon, that's wonderful. My entire organization has been assigned to back you up, Anne. Now, start packing. You leave tonight. Now, just a minute. I've got something to say about this. I'm her husband. In name only. That's the plan, isn't it? What difference it make if she goes away for a few months? None. None whatsoever. As far as I'm concerned, she can leave right this minute. That's just what I intend to do. Oh, it's perfect. Perfect. Every penny I have is tied up in this. And your boss is a lunatic. Can't miss. Amalgamated sales are going to boom. Oh, don't move. I'll get the door. Hey, Mac, you the guy that's gonna have the baby? No, nobody here is having a baby. This is the Collins' house, ain't it? Yes. Mac, you ought to keep up on these things. Move over. I'm delivering this stuff for the baby. Now, Gordon, I can... The lecture tour. The women's clubs. I'm ruined. This stuff was sent by a Mr. Diaz. Everything I have down the drain. But I'm not going to have a baby. And... There's one bassinet, one dozen booties. Two dozen baby dresses, three dozen diapers. But it isn't two, Gordon. Somebody must have sent us a care package by mistake. And be proud of it. You're a mother. Say it. No, don't say it. I've heard enough. Goodbye. So, if I sign here, you've got a complete layout. Lay yet. Lay yet, may yet. I'm on leave from the plumbing department. Oh, this is the Collins' nursery. This is Charlotte, sir. I... Oh, good work, Charlotte. That's all I want to know. Bye. Charlotte, can I... The loan's gone through. Well, I guess that wraps up our marriage. I see. If we won't be needing all this baby stuff, might as well phone the department store to come and pick it up. The... the bassinet and everything? Well, it won't be much good to us. I'll straighten out things with Daniels. You go on your lecture tour. But, Tice, I can't possibly do that. Why not? Well, because I'm a statistician. And our own case indicates that my plan is in error. Somewhere I've left something out of my calculations. What? Well, statistically speaking, one bassinet, one dozen booties, two dozen baby dresses, three dozen diapers. Better make that four dozen diapers. Oh, no! And, furthermore, I also discover that in no place in my pamphlet did I mention the word love. That was silly of me. Because I love my husband. You do? You know, I think I'll write a new pamphlet. I think I'll call it a statistician's approach to this thing called love. And we'll write it together. Well, you know, we'll have to do a lot of research. Well, I'm the greatest little researcher in the business. Well, now let's see. It should start like this. Marriage is an institution based upon emotion. It functions best when wives are frequently kissed. And kissed. And kissed. Oh, darling, maybe you'd better write it. You have just heard the last act of this thing called love. Our star, Rosalind Russell, and our guest screen director, Alexander Hall, will be with us in just a moment. In future weeks on Screen Directors Playhouse, you'll be entertained by Betty Hutton, Jane Russell, and Bob Hope. And next Friday, our guest is another great comedy star. Our story, for the first time on the air, is, it's in the bag. And recreating his original, hilarious role will be written with screen director Richard Wallace. Now, here again is tonight's star, Rosalind Russell. Rosalind, I'd like a word with you about your young son, Lance. How does he like that wonderful Christmas present you gave him? That RCA Victor 45 automatic record changer. Oh, he just loves it, Jimmy. And so do all his pals. He's appointed himself disc jockey for the first grade set for miles around. Well, a 45 is in safe hands, even with a whole crowd of six-year-olds. It's the simplest automatic record changer ever made. And the tiny, non-breakable records are practically indestructible, wouldn't you say? I would. In fact, I'd give the whole 45 set up my highest compliment. It's boyproof. Very well put. Say, Rosalind, what kind of music do Lance and his friends go for? Long hair or short hair? Well, not exactly either, Jimmy. They seem to prefer the cowboy numbers. They're mostly duets for Roy Rogers and Trigger. I'd say they go for horse hair. Well, that fits right in with a natural picture. RCA Victor can hardly keep the horse hair records galloping out fast enough to suit the first graders. And the same mad rush prevails in the long hair and short hair departments, too. People are buying over 2 million 45 records every month. I'm not surprised, Jimmy. Personally, I'd like to own every record in the 45 catalog. Oh, that's a fascinating book, that catalog, Rosalind. It certainly is, Jimmy. Not much of a plot, but oop, what a cast. Yes, they're all there on the RCA Victor 45, the world's greatest artists, and the stars who make the hits. Over 2,000 titles. What's more, prices are as low as 46 cents on the records, and only $12.95 on the record changes. No wonder the 45 is weeping the country. Get in on the fun. Get your 45 soon at your RCA Victor dealer. Ladies and gentlemen, when a girl's director runs a turkey farm as a sideline, anything can happen. After all, she's making pictures for a man who turns out 25,000 turkeys a year. Fortunately, all of them are feathered, and none is celluloid. I think you'll agree when I tell you that you made such great films as Little Miss Marker. Here comes Mr. Jordan and the great lover. Now I would like you to meet him, my director in this thing called Love, Alexander Hall. Thanks, Roz. You know, I'm a little afraid of what was going to happen tonight. Why? Well, we made three pictures together. My sister, Eileen. She wouldn't say yes. And this thing called Love. And all of them, we had a running feud of practical jokes. You mean like the time you had me crying and screaming in an emotional scene for 15 minutes before I found out that you and everyone else had gone to lunch? No. I'm sorry, Roz. Oh, well, Al, let me assure you that tonight I wouldn't think of playing a practical joke on you. I just want to thank you for being one of the finest directors an actress ever had. Thank you, Roz. Well, you're not worried anymore about practical jokes, are you? How could I be? Oh, that's fine, Al. Because when you get home tonight... Yes? Well, tell me, do you like strawberries? Oh, I'm crazy about them. Oh, goody, I'm glad. Because you're going to find 100 pounds of strawberry jello quivering in your bathtub. Good night. That's right. Good night, Al. Good night, everyone. And good night to you, Rosalind Russell and Alexander Hall. Remember next Friday, Fred Allen in It's in the Bag with screen director Richard Wallace brought to you by RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television. This thing called Love was presented through the courtesy of Columbia Pictures, currently releasing the award-winning production All the King's Men starring Broderick Crawford. Rosalind Russell will soon be seen in the Columbia Pictures comedy, A Woman of Distinction. Alexander Hall's latest production is the soon-to-be-released 20th Century Fox Picture, Love That Brute, starring Paul Douglas. Included in tonight's cast were Stephen Dunn as Tice, Harry Lang, Joan Banks, Stephen Chase, Margaret Brighton, Paul Dubov, and Frank Barton. This thing called Love from the stage play by Edwin Burke was adapted for radio by Richard Alan Simmons and original music was composed and conducted by William Lava. Screen director's playhouse is produced by Howard Wiley with dramatic direction by Bill Karn. A portion of the broadcast was transcribed. And from screen director's playhouse, a reminder that the strength of our youth is the strength of our country. This week our country salutes two million of its finest young men, the Boy Scouts of America, celebrating their 40th year of character-building and citizenship training. This is Jimmy Wallington speaking and inviting you to listen again next Friday when RCA Victor presents Screen director's playhouse, star Fred Allen, production that's in the bag, director Richard Wallace. It's Jimmy Durante with Don Amici on NBC.