 We invite you to enjoy life, life with Luigi, a new comedy show created by Psy Howard and starring that celebrated actor Mr. J. Carol Nash with Alan Reed as Pasquale. A year ago when Luigi Basco left Italy to start his new life in America, he promised his mother that he would write and tell her about his adventures. So now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes to Mama Basco in Italy. Mama Mia. Wonderful thing about America is how people, they take such a good care of their health. And for this they got thousands of doctors. Only thing in America, every doctor is what they call a specialist. As a nose doctor, eye doctor, ear doctor, skin doctor, stomach doctor. Mama Mia, I'm worried. What's to happen if I'm gonna get sick all over? My bedroom is gonna look like a doctor's convention. Besides the doctors is a thousands of hospitals are here, and they're also specialists too. They got a polyclinic hospital. That's a fascic poly. General hospital. That's a fascic general. And last week, I'm gonna read about a place in Rochester is a special fascic mayor. That's a call the mayor clinic. Another thing in America, they got a law. Everybody has got to go see a doctor once a year and a dentist twice a year. I guess they want you to see the dentist twice a year because they're poorer and they need the money more. But the reason I'm gonna write to you about a doctor's and a dentist is because right now I'm gonna be good to take. But don't worry, Mama Mia. It's not to hurt me too much. Only when I'm a crack of nuts. It's a feeling like I'm gonna get a little hole in my foot. So I'm gonna try to stuff it up with a tuna gum. Must there be something wrong? Because everybody is yelling at me to stop a tune. Even at this morning, I'm a pacifonographer store, and I'm gonna hear somebody holler, Luigi, drop it at the gum. When is the time now to go to my night school class? And I'm gonna ask my teacher Miss Spaulding. Maybe she's gonna tell me what I can do for my toothache. All right class, quiet please, quiet. Now I'll call the roll. Mr. Vasco, Mr. Harwitz, Mr. Olsen, Mr. Schultz. What else? Oh, thank you, thank you, fellow pooper. Who would I be a sensation on television? Mr. Schultz. Well, I'm even prettier than Mrs. Burl. Enough of that, Mr. Schultz. Now class, our lesson for today is on punctuation. Oh, good day punctuation. That's my meat. That's his meat. I hope he's Schultz. I'm a semi-coller. Oh, what a sure. Next for that, Mr. Schultz, you're going to answer the first question. Now I want you to correct the punctuation in this sentence. The will divided the estate among the brothers John, Karma, James, Karma and Jack, but Harry, Karma got nothing. Now Mr. Schultz, what was the mistake? My coming into class today, period. Mr. Schultz, you will answer the question. The will divided the estate among the brothers John, Karma, James, Karma and Jack, but Harry, Karma got nothing. Now Mr. Schultz, where was the mistake? Harry should have gotten something too. No, no. He shouldn't have. What's the matter? He's an orphan. He is not. Then if I was Harry, I would hire a good lawyer and fight the case. Mr. Schultz. I was only trying to see the justices done. Mr. Schultz, sit down. Now, Mr. Baskow, I'll read the sentence and you try to find the error in the punctuation. The will divided the estate among the brothers John, Karma, James, Karma and Jack, but Harry, Karma got nothing. Now what was the mistake? Well, I would think that Schultz is right. The Harry should have hired a lawyer. Mr. Horowitz, what do you say? If you don't mind, I'll read till the case comes up in court. Golding, I know the answer. The Karma should go after Jack and you take it away from Harry. You may now cut off Harry without even a Karma. Mr. Olsen, you were perfectly right. No, I'm always right. I've got it all just like Abraham Lincoln. Like Abraham Lincoln, I light the fire at night. And like Abraham Lincoln, I lay down by the fire and by the fire I stood the hard. If he gets any closer to that fire, then I give a push. One more interruption like that, Mr. Schultz, and I'll ask you to leave the room. Well, Mr. Baskow, why are you making faces? Please, Mr. Spaulding, I'm not making faces. It's just that I'm a filipin and I'm a rubber my tooth away to my tongue. Lou, Louie, you've got a tooth, eh? Olsen, he ain't got a tongue, eh? I sympathize that you're Luigi. Mr. Baskow, you should see a dentist immediately. But I'm a Spaulding. A dentist is a charge of money and I'm a nut the gut in it. Oh, Mr. Baskow, that shouldn't be any problem to you. Chicago has many free clinics and I'm sure they'll take care of your tooth free of charge. Well, maybe... No, Louie, they got a real good clinic on West Washington. But, uh, you think it's gonna hurt? Ah, stop that kind of talk, Louie. You go right down now to the clinic. I take an example from my cousin Hugo. For years I told him to take care of his teeth. He told me he did, but he didn't fool me. Yesterday we had a talk and I know he's wearing an upper plate. Schuchter, how do you know he's wearing an upper plate? It came out in the conversation. Luigi, my friend. Hello, Luigi, hello, hello. Hello, Pascuali. Pascuali, you ever been to a clinic on the... Sit down, Luigi. It's a sooner-gonna-be rush hour than my spaghetti palace. I gotta finish up for this menu. Sit down and read the tablecloth. All right, sir. A pizza, plain, a 75 cents. A pizza with a pepper is a one dollar. A pizza with anchovies is a dollar and a quarter. A pizza with mushrooms is a dollar and a 40. A pizza with everything is a 35 cents. Well, excuse me, Pascuali. How come a pizza with everything is only 35 cents? Because with everything, it's a taste of terrible. Nascarapini ala... Oh! How? What's... Hey, Luigi, what's so wrong with the side of your face? You saving the marbles? Blowing a bubble of gum from the inside? Pascuali, I got a two-take. Oh, Luigi, that's too bad. You try oil and garlic. No. No, Pascuali. I'm gonna go to school and ask the class. The Miss Follinger says I should have gone to see the dentist, but I say I'm enough to get her no money. Shoots are telling me to go to free clinic, but I'm afraid that now I'm gonna know what to do. Oh, sure. What do you expect? You go to everybody but your friend Pascuali is to bring you from the old country. And what's to happen? Nothing. Why are you always running around like a crazy little puppy looking for a bone when all the time you could have found that bone right here into my head? You're so right, Pascuali. You're the biggest bone-ahead I ever seen. That's a funny thing, and when I'm saying it, it's to come out of different. Oh, you poor little cabard you have. You know, Luigi, your tooth is just like my tooth. When something is a-hurt you, it's a-hurt me. When you got a pain, I got a pain, too. Pascuali, how's our two-take? Luigi, you're being sarcastic. I'm really mean it when I say it's our two-take. Oh! See, I just got a stab. Oh, poor Pascuali. Luigi, you said it before, you're gonna go to a clinic. Now, we wouldn't take our tooth to a clinic, would we? Why not? It's a luck you got to me to explain to you. You know how after every dentist's name is to say D-D-S? Well, that's the name of the gas that they give you when they pull out the tooth. Oh! But when you go to a clinic, they can't afford expensive stuff like D-D-S. You know what to happen? What? They spray you with a D-D-T. Luigi, we've got to take our tooth only to the best expensive dentist in the Chicago. Pascuali, I'm a no-can of force. I'm a not-to-got-of-money. Luigi, it's our two-take. I'm gonna give you money. Can you do this with my little banana nose? Just to do one little favor for me. Want a favor? What's it like? When you come out of gas, I'm alike at the first face that you should have seen as my daughter Rosa. Pascuali, give me some more of gas. Luigi, don't talk so fast. If you marry Rosa, I would do a wonderful thing for you. What's it like? I would pull out every tooth in your mouth and put in all the gold teeth. Gold teeth? Sure. That every time you need the money, you take out one tooth and you pour it. It's gonna live like a richer man for the rest of your life till you get down to the gums. Pascuali, you paint such a beautiful picture. And it's hard to resist. But I'm a no-money of your daughter Rosa. All right, you fool. Go to the clinic and see what's to happen. They're gonna send me young fellows to practice on you. He's to pull out the wrong tooth. He's the wisdom of tooth. If you come back to me, you know what he say? The love of Pascuali. Come on up, Pascuali. You're not scared of me without a talk. Clinic is a finer place. So go by it. If anybody is to call me, I'm gonna be in a western Washington clinic. I wait! Oh, I could have kicked myself. And I was gonna give him the best of years of my life. I stick to him a good. Hello, operator. Give me the western Washington clinic. Give me the western Washington clinic. It's an emergency. I'm gonna figure out what to do. I'm gonna figure out what to do. What? No, I'm in no screaming with a pain. I'm just a singing. Hello, Washington clinic. Listen to George. I've got a very important information for you. A fellow is coming in to have a tooth to pull to free. He's looking like a bum, but he's really a millionaire. I see right underneath his old clothes, he's aware of the tuxedo. He's a full-dress underwear. Sure. He's always a go-to clinic to save the money. He's been a go-to clinic for the last 20 years. Saving so much money, that's what makes him a millionaire. You gonna watch out for him? Fine. His name? Luigi Bosco. I still like the Luigi Bosco. I should spell it. B. S. S. No, I'm not gonna spell it. What do you think I have? A squealer? I just want you to continue for just a moment. But first, Lux presents Hollywood tomorrow night with a triple star cast in one of the most powerful dramas to come from the film Capital in Years. Joseph Cotton, Valley, and Louise Jardin will come to CBS Lux Radio Theatre for an hour-long version of their starring motion picture, The Parisian Case. Mr. Cotton once again will play the great English barrister who falls in love with his beautiful client as he defends her in a murder case and who finally hears the astonishing truth on the stand. Valley will again stars the accused woman and Louise Jardin will recreate his role of the murdered man servant. Join us on most of these same stations tomorrow, Monday night when Lux Radio Theatre brings you these three great stars in The Parisian Case. And now for the second act of Luigi Bosco's adventures in Chicago, we turn to page two of his letter to his mother in Italy. And I saw my mamma mia. I went to the clinic and what the trouble I'm gonna have. Soon as I'mma tell the man I'mma Luigi Bosco he's a push me against the wall and a look at my underwear. I say, what are you looking for? A gold? And he's a say, that's all right. Then the man has a take on my address and a name of my bank and he says he's gonna investigate me. Mamma mia, now my tooth is still all right. They're gonna investigate me and I'm really gonna be in trouble. What am I gonna do? Luigi, my fellow boob. Oh, you look terrible. Didn't you go into the clinic? I'm a go to the clinic but they throw me out. The clinic a fellow, he says he's gonna investigate me. What they can do to me? Well, you come from Italy. The worst they can do is send you back to Stramboli. Why, Luigi, I'm trying to cheer you up. If the clinic won't take you, you're coming with me to my dentist. Sure, it is a dentist. He's not gonna hurt me. Ah, please stop worrying if the dentist will hurt you. After all, he's a human being too. What does he do? He straps you in the chair. He sticks by you in the mouth of the needle. He takes a drill and goes... Himmler, that's a human being. Sure, this is a funny thing, but I must start to feel a worst. Don't worry, Luigi. I got a good system for you. When the dentist starts to work on you, the minute you feel pain, you kick him in the leg. That's the gonna stop them by pain? No, but it feels so much better when you hear the dentist screaming too. No, I'm only pooling, Luigi. My brother Wolfgang went to my dentist for two weeks, and he never felt a stitch of pain. How's that? The dentist was out of town. Oh, and I, a stupid head. I just remember he's still out of town. Good. But I'm a wet till he comes back. You're going right now, Luigi. Now, here. Here, five dollars. I give you the address of my dentist's building, and over there you're gonna find plenty more. Sure, see, your real life is safer. Oh, stop, Luigi. You make me feel like I got a hole in the head. Sure. I don't know when I'm gonna return this to five dollars. Don't worry. Next week I'll lend you another five. You pay me back. You could go on like this for years, you know. Well, I gotta go now, Luigi. And remember, you go right to the dentist's building. Right, sir. Sure. And remember that old saying, be true to your teeth, or they'll be false to you. Well, goodbye, Luigi. And smile, smile. My rheumatism is killing me. Well, I'm going out to this medical building. My mummy, I'm gonna like this. With a me going to the dentist, there's like a pulling teeth. Directory. My mummy has hundreds of names. Dr. Nathan Feldman, DDS. Dr. Franklin, DDS. Looks like everybody's a dentist in this building. Which one I'm gonna go to? Oh, here's the one that'll look good. Sick Ayatris. Oh, that's another for me. Must be a fellow who treats the sick eyes. Oh, this is what I'm like. Cheer up, DDS. He's not only a dentist, but he's a fellow who's a cheer up of the people. Well, I'm gonna go right to him. Huh, here's his opus. Dr. Saul Townsend, a cheer up, DDS. That's a funny kind of dentist with a picture of a foot on a door. Well, I'm gonna go in. How do you do? Come right in. Thank you, doctor. Now, sit down and tell me. What's your trouble? Doctor, I'm gonna get a terrible pain. Well, we'll fix that up. Take off your shoes. What? I said take off your shoes. I want to be better for you looking at my martyrs. I don't think I'll be able to see that far down. You don't want to look at my teeth? No, no, that won't be necessary. Sometimes the pain can be the result of faulty teeth, but in your particular case, I think it's tight shoes. Tight shoes? If you mean when I'm aware of tight shoes, it's a squeeze of my teeth. Now, tell me, young man, when did you first notice any pain? Well, I think it was about three weeks ago when I'm the first to crack some walnuts. You, uh, crack walnuts with your feet? No, with my teeth. Very strange. Go on. Well, the next time I'm feeling pain is when I eat the gumdrop. Pain after a gumdrop? That doesn't seem possible. Oh, yes. And the more gumdrops I'm eating, the worse the pain is again. Be good. Thirty years in the medical profession, I've never heard of a case like this. This will make me famous. Walnuts and gumdrops. I can just see it in the medical journal. Dr. Townsend's fruits and nuts disease. All right, Doctor, I'm gonna get my shoes and socks off. Yeah. Hmm. Your feet look quite sturdy, but, uh, have you been using ultraviolet on them? Ultraviolet? Yeah. The coloration, your feet look a trifle purple-age. Oh, well, what do you see? I'm one in a medical at the time. I'm coming from Italy. And over there, I was a gripper crusher. That the color you see is a muscatel. Tell me, has anyone else in your family been bothered by bad feet? Well, no, let me see now. I was the one who had a flat-to-feet. Was Anco Pietro the goat? No, no, that doesn't interest me. Now, uh, I would say offhand you might be suffering from a weakened metatarsal arch and pesplanus, which causes a strain on the gastrocnemius muscle, resulting in a rumbosacral sprain or saccharillia. That's it. Huh? All of that in a one-a-little-tooth. Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. You don't have a toothache. Eh, eh, oh. Doctor, how am I going to get rid of this pain? Well, there are several things you might try. I suggest soaking the injured part in a big tub of water for a few minutes. I'm not going to hold in my head under the water so long. Not your head, your foot. But a doctor, my foot, I don't know how to... It must, otherwise, why would you be seeing me? I'm beginning to wonder the same thing. All right, all right, all right, all right. I'll get to the cause of your trouble. I get up on this table and start jumping up and down. Jumping up and down? Yes. Let's go, double time. Double time. What kind of doctor is this? He's no pull-out of my tooth. He's a try to shake it out. Luigi, my friend. Hey, Luigi, I thought you were so perspired and wet. You look like a glass of beer that's running over on the outside. Where you been? Oh, Pascuali, I'm just to come from the craziest dentist. I'm telling my tooth to hurt, so what's to happen? He's to take off my shoes in the socks. He's to make me jump up and down. Then he's to crack all my bones. Then he's to tell me I'm going to get a lot of big names because Uncle Pietro's a good. He's got to flat the feet. I'm going to soak him in my head in a tub of water. Luigi, that's a sound of crazy. What disadvantages are charging you for all this? Five dollars and not the kind of 50 cents for blue-jack corner plaster. You got a corner plaster on your tooth? No, under my foot. Your foot? What kind of a dentist you went to? I went down to this medical building where Schultz is to send me, and I'm going to pick out this dentist. And he's to call himself the chirrupidist. Chirrupidist? Oh, your biggest hope for the green-hearted bull. Donnie, you know that chirrupidist is a fellow who's to deliver babies? On the news today, I was almost a mother, huh? I thought he was going to go to the clinic. I went. They threw me out and they said they're going to investigate me. Oh, so that's what that telephone caller was. What telephone caller? From the clinic. They said they investigated you, and because you're not here to answer, they're coming to get you. What? Busquale, you know I'm going to do nothing wrong. Always I'm going to try to be good American. Don't tell me. Convince the jury. You're in a serious trouble, Luigi. If for you was to lie in the clinic about your appendix, you only got a one appendix, you only get a one-year in jail. You lie about your teeth. There's two years in jail. But if you lie about your teeth, that's a 46-year. But Busquale, I'm only got a 32 teeth. Stop trying to get time off of a good behavior. But Busquale, you know I didn't lie. Go fight at the city hospital. Luigi, remember before how I'm going to tell you it's our toothache? I still ain't going to take care of you. How, Busquale, what are you going to do? I don't know how to handle the things like this. Now, when the clinic commanders come, you just keep your little trap shut. I'm going to make you believe I'm a Luigi Busco. Oh. I'm going to talk him out of it, and if it's a little money, I'm going to take care of that, too. Busquale, you do this for me? What's different? It's our toothache. Now, Luigi, I'm going to do something for you. You're going to do something for me. Anything, Busquale, what do you want I should do? Well, you hear about the Marshall Plan where America's going to give it to Europe? Uh-huh. I got it at the Busquale Plan. What's that? I'm going to give a rose to you. What do you say? What can I say? I'm going to get to know the United Nations and to appeal to them. Good. Then I'll call it a blushing of bride. Rosa. Rosa. Hear my little complication. Stay out of the Luigi. Rosa. Rosa. Your bridey groom has got a little toothache. You do something to make him feel better. Pardon me. I'm from the Washington Clinic. Mr. Busco here. All right. Go out with a rosa. I'm a Luigi Busco, Mr. You're coming with me in the other room when we talk. Oh, we can talk right here, Mr. Busco. I hope you understood what we told you on the phone about investigating you. We're very sorry for the way we treated you at the clinic. What? Now you go. Go. We feel so badly, Mr. Busco, that we brought our head doctor to have your tooth taken out right here. Oh, Dr. Walter. Wait a minute. I'm going to tell Luigi Busco. It won't hurt a bit, Mr. Busco. I'll open wide for the doctor. There. Take your head off for me. Luigi, tell the doctor I'm a Luigi Busco. Oh, you're not the Luigi Busco. Well, I'm wonder who is it? Goodbye. All right. All right. All right. Wait for Luigi. You wouldn't have let this fellow take out of my tooth to worry you, myself. What's the difference, Papa? It's out of tooth taken. Hannah, so, Mama Mia, what it looked like, was it going to be a bad day for me, was it turned out to be good after all? I'm going to have the heart to let the Pasqualees suffer. So I'm going to go right back to the store and explain everything to the doctor. Besides, it wasn't nothing to pull out of Pasqualees a mountain. It was all pulled out the 12 years ago. That's part of all is, I'm no got the tooth taken no more. Dentist is a pull out of my tooth, and it's not to hurt you too much, Mama Mia. You should have seen the bigger hole I'm a got now where the tooth used to be. It's a wonderful place to keep a gum drop. Your loving son, Luigi Busco, the little immigrant. Life of Luigi is a five-hour production and is written by Mack Benhoff and Lou Derman and directed by Mack Benhoff. Jay Carroll-Mash is starred as Luigi Busco with Alan Redis-Pasqualee, Hans Connery-Duschelt, and Maryship is misfolding. Music is under the direction of Lynn Murray. Don't forget that my friend Derma pays her regular call tomorrow night on most of the same CBS station. Now stay tuned for It Pays to the Ignorant, which follows immediately over most of these stations. Bob Stevenson speaking, this is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.