 And so, starting senior year, like, I was feeling very much like, like, what does that even mean to me? Like, I had this, like, random year that I had to finish school. This was going to be a very normal video. I started my senior year of college this week. So you'd think that I would just make a normal going back to school video. Unfortunately, I can't do that. If this is your first video on my channel, welcome. My college years have gone a bit like this. It's hard to imagine this is how 2020 started. I did not plan on taking a gap year this year. You're wondering what living in DC is like. That's what it is. It's just terrific. I was in the middle of finding who I was. It got derailed. I moved to Scotland in 16 days. Oh, hell yeah! So now I am back to some kind of reality, to my life, to something. And after two and a half years, I really didn't know what to expect and in a real way, I still don't know. And if I'm being completely honest with you guys, this is how I actually started off my senior year of college. Like in all honesty, I'm just like, I'm kind of heartbroken. I think that's maybe the best way to put it. And I'm really trying not to have that attitude. But God, it's just really hard. You just take the hammer and you just... You just take the hammer and you just get it. Yeah, just get it right in there. And then it will be fixed. So the reality is, I took my first week in chunks with a friend, getting acclimated, learning how to get around, even just doing some work. I'm here to save a chock, boys and candy canes. They can all be erased. Holding on to something, nothing in the end. But will I even gain? Think for the little thin dreams. You've gotta try to catch that light. Go somewhere else. And all of those subway cars are rolling my adventures in the city that I do and I really try. Take me to the suburbs where the ocean cleanses, waiting on a fence on this country. Hi everybody. So I had my first class and it was very interesting. I went into the classroom. I'd never been to this side of campus before. There were all these signs for the classroom that I was supposed to go in. So I was like, oh, let's follow the signs, right? And I saw this other girl walk down this hallway. And so I was like, oh, I'm just going to follow her. Like she definitely knows what she's doing. That girl just vanished. I don't know where she went. But the hallway was completely pitch black, got all the way up to the top stairs. The girl came in. The staircase behind me. And I started sharing. I was like, oh my gosh, the door is locked up here. So we have to leave. But we realized that the other door locked behind us. We got stuck in this building right before our first class. And thankfully there was a nice maintenance guide that helped us because then we got locked in another section of the building that had a service elevator. I don't even know how this happened. That's how my first day went. It was very interesting. I took the free bus in Charleston, which I've never actually done before. I've never used the transit, but there is a free bus on campus if you need to get around different sections. First day is going pretty well. Now I'm just working on YouTube content, writing on some content on my film of video really quick. It's really kind of weird that I have homework and it's day one. I'm not used to that. Not that I didn't have work at the University of Edinburgh, but I just... It was more like reading that you had to do. Yeah, it's weird going back to this learning system. I really haven't done homework, sort of like a worksheet or like a discussion post in a bit, so it should be interesting. That big crack just came. This storm is crazy. We've been having thunderstorms pretty much every afternoon since I've been back. This is definitely the biggest one that we've had. We have these in D.C. like this too. It was probably like 98 degrees today and humid. I also forgot how many lizards there are. Just like scooting about. It's a lot of lizards. I don't really like lizards. I'm not going to lie to you guys. Hi everybody. I am now going on week three of... Well, this is only week two of school. Back to my life here in Charleston. I cannot fully explain how like out of body I felt coming back to school. What's really weird is I think when I started my channel I was like, oh, you know, a lot of people will take gap years off of college and like sort of do what I was doing. But then like you sort of talk yourself into this narrative of like even somebody like me who has access to you guys and people writing you messages all the time about their experiences. It sometimes takes being like sort of like slapped in the face by your own life to like bring you back to reality. But just like talking to so many people this week. I realized just like how messed up a lot of people's college experience has been through COVID. And like I hate to like tarp on that on this channel. But like a lot of us are like still going through it in a weird way. Like, like this is weird. Like I know that this isn't how college is supposed to go. And so I came here, you know, thinking like, oh, I'm not going to feel like a senior. I'm not going to feel the effects of being older because it almost feels like time was stolen from me. You know, I think a lot of us feel that way. And so starting senior year, like I was feeling very much like, almost like I didn't earn it. Like I was like, how did I even like, what does that even mean to me? Like I have this like random year that I have to finish school in a place where I have literally one friend. And I basically have to start all over again. I was so absolutely just like downtrodden about downtrodden. I just didn't, I didn't think that I would feel like I am at the stage in life. If that makes any sense. And the more that I live it and I like live my life, I realize how much I have actually changed without this place, which I don't know that's like kind of, I don't know, like we all just try to like make our own situation feel okay. You know, like everything happens for a reason. And whether you believe that or not, whether you know a very like practically brained person, we gain stuff from our experiences. I can truly say I've never felt this comfortable with myself. And I didn't think that I would feel that way. I think that coming back here, I thought that I would feel like a sophomore. Like I thought that I would feel like I wasn't ready for this or that I was like sort of over it, but I feel very, not like peaceful, but I just feel like I'm very present. And I don't know if that's because I studied abroad and having that experience like for a whole entire year probably has nothing to do with it and COVID. It's definitely affirming because coming back here, like I said in that original clip, like honestly I'm so heartbroken. Like I got off the plane. I'm so excited to see my family. Like so excited. I love my family so much, but I was only home for like three, four days before I had to come back here. I have just been like all over the place this summer and then to have like two days at home and then to come here after my travels and being away for that long. Like it was just the most jarring experience. I thought that I would feel like this was, this felt wrong, but it just feels very natural and it feels like where I'm supposed to be and it sounds like where like where I'm supposed to be. But I don't think it's because, I don't think it's because of like the universe or like some sort of things. It's just like I've had this jarring experience for the past two years of like life just being switched up on me on a dime and you know I have to do that again this year and yeah it's a familiar place I've been before but like my life is completely different than it was two and a half years ago. Like it's drastically different but like I'm not scared of it. I was scared of it like two weeks ago and I'm sure there are moments where you know the future's gonna seem really daunting but I think having those experiences of like two years just going completely off the rails I've just like developed this mindset of like it's all gonna be okay. The world can literally go up in smoke because it did and the little stuff, I don't know the little stuff just like hasn't been getting to me like it did two and a half years ago like this is like super long and boring. I guess part of the story is like if you're scared to go abroad or you're scared to make the wrong decision going forward because like heck I figure out what to do next year you know like not really afraid of it I think maybe it's supposed to be I mean that's not something I should admit because I don't want it to come across like cocky or like like I'm being like overconfident but I don't know I'm just like I'm okay you know I don't have to figure out still and uh